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Well. This is it. The last installment of FTF. I was going to make it the penultimate one just so I can say penultimate but…<sigh> It has been fun. Especially once I got a transcript. In fact, I'm such a masochist I'm going to do this again. So many episodes and only 1 VCR to work with…
Anyway, I thought I was going to get through this last section without a rant. However, that is not going to happen. Once again some idiot has managed to tweak one of my pet peeves. In fact I had TWO rants in the process. But I'll save the other one for my next deconstruction.
I'll spare you the rant. If you want to check it out click here.
On to the "show's" conclusion.
The X-Files: Fight The Future: The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same or Wrap-up And Cover-up.
Abbreviations:
Caveman 1: CM1
Caveman 2: CM2
Boy 1: B1
Stevie (a.k.a. Boy 2): ST
Boy 3: B3
Boy 4: B4
Captain Miles Cooles: CMC
Men in Biohazard suits: MIB
Dude with Tie (Bronschweig): DWT
Deputy Type Guy: DTG
Skinner: Sk
Generic Agent Type 1: GAT1
The Big Cheese (AKA S.A.C. Michaud): TBC
Scully: S
Mulder: M
Rent-a-cop 1: RAC1
Generic Agent Type 2: GAT2
Nameless Agent: NA
Nameless Agent 2: NA2
Irritating, annoying, wench: IAW
Bartender: Bar
Mystery Woman: MW
Kurtzweil the old man: OM
Cigarette Smoking Man: CSM
Private Flunky: PvtF
Plain Clothes Cop: PCC
Agent Hayseed: Hay
Nameless Scientist: NS
Well-Manicured Man: WMM
Strughold: LotP
First Elder: 1stE
The Lone Gunmen: TLG
Frohike: Fro
Langly: Lgy
Byers: Byr
Monitor Boy: MB
Curious Flunky: CF
Number of times Scully has called Mulder by his last name:
48
Number of times Mulder has called Scully by her last name:
39
Number of cigarettes lit by CSM: 4
Office of Professional Review
Washington, D.C.
S is seated before the review board, her face marked by the effects of her ordeal, frostbite and scratches. <Surprisingly it's not more damaged. I hear the cold of Antarctica can freeze off your nose. Not to mention that whole dying thing.>
IAW: In light report on the report I've got before me and in light of the narrative I am now hearing, my official report is incomplete…
Flash to Dallas field office
A man enters the office where the fossilized samples were kept. The office is dark and the man, who clearly does not belong, as he doesn't bother to turn on the lights, searches the place with a flashlight.
IAW: [voice over through Dallas section] …pending these new facts I'm being asked to reconcile, Agent Scully
Cut to S who is sitting in her seat looking rather pissed.
IAW: [continuing to drone on rather than shutting her annoying trap off screen] though there is now direct evidence that a federal agent…
Scene cuts to Dallas office again while IAW continues to drone on. <I wish a big anvil would fall from the sky and crush her or something.>
In the darkness of the empty office the man's flashlight lands on the tray containing the samples. He pockets the samples to be taken to parts unknown. <Probably to be properly disposed of in the first place.>
IAW: [voiceover] …may have been involved in the bombing, the other events you've laid down here are too incredible on their own, and quite frankly implausible in their connections.
Scene changes to S.
S: What is it you find incredible?
IAW: Well, where would you like me to start? <How about the part where you get hired by the Federal Bureau of Investigations, forget about how you made it to become an A.D. Since you obviously have the I.Q. of a gnat, you twit!>
Unfortunately we are not fortunate enough to have any large heavy objects land on IAW. Nor are we fortunate enough to have Krycek appear out of nowhere and stab her in the neck. <sigh> So the woman continues to blather on much to my dismay. As she speaks somewhere in East Bumblebleep on a train headed to only the consortium knows, is a tanker truck. It is in the process of being prepared for shipment. Preparations being a new paint job. It now reads "Nature's Best Corn Oil." <Remind me never to buy anything by that name.> Next we see soldiers with flame torches setting a corn field ablaze. So M and S shan't be returning to Dallas to find any evidence.
IAW: So many of the events described in your report defy belief. Antarctica is a long way from Dallas, Agent Scully. <I'm SO sure S needs lessons in geography from you. Since she just finished travelling said distance I think she has a grasp on how far it is. And conspiracies wouldn't be conspiracies if they were so simple that a dullard could figure them out easily! (Well at least a conspiracy put together by a competent group anyway) Hello! And it's painfully obvious that you haven't heard a single thing she's said. Where's Krycek when you need him? This woman must DIE! Ugh!> I-- I can't very well submit a report to the Attorney General that alleges the links you've made here. Bees and corn crops do not quite fall under the rubric of domestic terrorism. <S should drop kick this woman. IAW must think that S is an idiot because she's certainly treating S like one.>
S: No, they don't.
IAW: Most of what I find in here is lacking a coherent picture of any organization with an attributable motive. <You mean ruling the world isn't a good enough motive for you?> I realize the ordeal you've endured has clearly affected you. <And patronizing too! This woman must be suffering from a build-up of pressure from all the air in there. Perhaps a slug from a .45 would relieve some of it. Then perhaps the bitch could think a little more clearly.> But the holes in your account leave this panel with little choice but to delete these references to our final report to the Justice Department--until which time hard evidence becomes available that would give us cause to pursue such an investigation. <So instead of trying to follow up on the leads given you, you just sweep it under the rug. Why did they put the "I" in FBI again?>
S stands up and walks over to the panel, positioning herself directly in front of IAW. She places the vial containing the bee that stung her <And ruined a perfectly shippy moment to boot> on the table, IAW picks it up and looks closely at it.
S: I don't believe the FBI currently has an investigative unit qualified to pursue the evidence in hand. <Get the hint?>
S then turns and leaves the room. Sk watches her go. <Now if there were a time that Sk may have checked S out it would have been here Ish.> He then looks at IAW. The entire panel turns to stare at Sk. <But not surprisingly nothing at all interesting or intelligent comes out of any of the panel member's mouths.>
The Capital Mall
M is sitting on a bench by the reflecting pool reading a newspaper. <No seeds this time.> He stares at a headline: "Local Hanta Virus Outbreak In Northern Texas Contained," <What a crock of sh--!> looks up and sees S walking toward him. <I could be mistaken but are these not the same suits they were wearing the first time they had to face the OPR doofuses? (Doofi?)> When she gets to the bench , he hands her the paper.
M: There's an interesting work of fiction on page 24. Mysteriously, our names have been omitted. <Not to mention the bees, and the corn. It's amazing the amount of fiction one can find in an work that purports to tell the truth. I don't believe half of what's printed in there anyway.> They're burying this thing Scully. They're just going to dig a new hole and cover it up. <And this surprises you? Why? Is this not what they always do?>
S: I told OPR everything I know. What I experienced, the virus, how it's spread by the bees from pollen in transgenic crops.
M gets up and starts to walk away. <Damn it M that's rude! Tena didn't do a very good job raising this one. He's got such atrocious manners!> S joins him.
M: You're wasting your time, Scully. They'll never believe you, not unless your story can be programmed, categorized, or easily referenced. <True but since when has that stopped you Punk?>
S: Well, then we'll go over their heads.
He stops and turns to her.
M: No. No. How many times have we been here before, Scully? Right here. So close to the truth and now with what we've seen and what we know to be right back at the beginning with nothing.
S: This is different, Mulder. <It is?>
M: No it isn't! You were right to want to quit! You were right to want to leave me! You should get as far away from me as you can! <Actually a good piece of advice albeit somewhat belatedly given. I doubt S could go back to a normal life any more than you are capable of living one M.> I'm not going to watch you die Scully, because of some hollow personal cause of mine. <Now you sound like that jerk brother of S's. What the hell is wrong with you? I don't suppose it occurred to you that if S wanted to leave she would have? She doesn't need your blessing or your permission. Sheesh!> Go be a doctor. Go be a doctor while you still can.
S: I can't. I won't. Mulder, I'll be a doctor but my work is here with you now. That virus that I was exposed to, whatever it is, it has a cure. You held it in your hand. How many other lives can we save? Look … [she clasps his hand] <Awwww!> …If I quit now, they win.
They walk off hand in hand. <Well okay it fades out while they're still holding hand so it counts all right?>
Scene fades to the blistering sands of a desert. This one happens to be overseas. A helicopter flies overhead headed for…
Foum Tataouine, Tunisia
CSM walks next to a cornfield. Even relative purity of the air in the desert he can't help but smoke a cigarette. A native man yelling something in Tunisian into the field. From out of the corn comes LotP. He walks over to CSM.
LotP: You look hot and miserable. <Good! May there be more misery heaped onto CSM and you too LotP! On the other hand, Duh!> Why have you traveled all this way?
CSM: We have business to discuss. <I have a message to give you and for some reason I forgot how to use a phone.>
LotP: We have regular channels. <You know. The phone.>
CSM: This involves Mulder. <What about S? Why is it you oinkers never mention her?!>
LotP: Ah. That name, again and again. <And you will keep hearing that name until you either die or become competent.>
CSM: He's seen more than he should have. <Because you botched the job of destroying the bodies and didn't make sure that M couldn't follow you when you took S.>
LotP: What has he seen? Of the whole he has seen but pieces. <But eventually the pieces of a puzzle form a picture even with some parts missing. Doofus!>
CSM: He's determined now. Reinvested. <Ya think? And whose fault is that? Look in the mirror for the answer. Burning down the office, oh that was a brilliant piece of work in divesting M of the idea of continuing work on the X-Files.>
LotP: He is but one man. <He has a partner you know? He's part of a pair! Hello!> One man alone cannot fight the future. <Skipping the obvious sexist reference…Why not? You obviously think that one man can control the future.>
CSM: Yesterday, I received this.
He pulls a telegram out of his pocket and hands it to LotP. LotP reads it then drops it to the ground and walks away. <Bleepin' litterbug!> CSM looks down at the telegram, it reads:
X-FILES RE-OPENED. STOP. PLEASE ADVISE. STOP.
CSM looks up, then walks away. The camera pans above the scene to show the huge cornfield in the middle of the desert … with at least six pairs of glowing breasts. Er bee hives.
THE END
Okay, grand totals
Number of times Scully called Mulder by his last name:
50
Number of times Mulder called Scully by his last name:
43
It would appear that Scully has won this particular contest.
Number of cigarettes lit/smoked by CSM: 5
Number of gratuitous NL mentions: 2
Number of (gratuitous?) Krycek mentions: 14 (This doesn't include rants.)
Comment time. It's nice to see them occasionally paying attention to continuity by having S's face still bearing the marks from her Antarctic adventure. However, since if she were TRULY there she would have been dead perhaps it's just as well that they decided to ignore a little thing like reality get in the way of their story.
I can't believe these bleepin' morons n the consortium! I know I've said it before but it needs to be said again. These men shouldn't be meeting in a bleepin' sty not in a posh building. They are nothing more than a bunch of pigs. Why is it that the sane half of this partnership is NEVER mentioned? What is it with these men? Are they convinced that women are only good for boinking and experimenting on? Oh and I forgot snatching to keep their partners in line. No wonder these morons can't get anything done properly. they don't have any women around to tell them how to get it right. Because we all know which is the more devious (not to mention smarter) gender. It's no wonder that M is a self absorbed punk. Even the consortium is feeding into his egomania.
I can't stand IAW. Where was she when brains were being given out? Did she decide that she didn't need one because she's blonde or something? <ducks> Of course, there is no way for the OPR to follow up on S's evidence but THEY don't know that. Did it not occur to them to even make the attempt? What does the I in FBI stand for again? Incompetence? No that can't be it. Inveiglers? Idiots? Imbeciles perhaps? Oh yeah Investigations. Too bad a good many of them don't seem to do much of THAT huh?
I swear those bee hives look like pairs of breasts. What's up with that?
I think I know why the consortium have managed to keep their secrets despite their incompetence. They must apparently own, along with vast medical facilities, every newspaper of repute in the nation. Otherwise how could they possibly keep their numerous misdeeds under wraps? They leave witnesses behind left and right. They allow defectors to continue living. They do a piss poor job of destroying evidence. Until of course AFTER someone has seen the evidence and does some digging.
Exactly how were they planning on infecting people? Where they just going to give people some bees to walk around with and have them start shaking them out of containers hoping to piss the bees off to start stinging people? I doubt that the bees were going to fly to the ends of the earth just to sting people. These beehives are in the middle of nowhere.
How the bleep did they get out of Antarctica? Shouldn't they be by all rights dead? They were wearing clothing that would be inappropriate for Alaska and in Alaska you don't need the face masks. By all rights they should have frozen to death in a matter of minutes if that.
<sigh> It's been a long run. It's late and I'm tired. So until I decide on my next deconstruction…
Finis
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