Robert A. Heinlein
Dogs come when they're called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
Missy Dizick
My license plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me off.
Wendy Liebman
I think any guy who films his wife giving birth, she ought to be able to film his hemorrhoid surgery later on. "Look girls, Tony is totally dilated. What a trouper he was!"
Jeff Foxworthy
By the time you swear you're his
Shivering, sighing
And he swears his love for you is
Infinite, undying
Lady, make a note of this
One of you is lying.
Dorothy Parker
If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.
Dorothy Parker
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people He gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
I'm never going to be famous.
My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things.
I don't do any thing. Not one single thing.
I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.
Dorothy Parker
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds,
there is a woman giving birth to a child.
She must be found and stopped.
Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.
Jane Wagner
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Lily Tomlin
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
Lily Tomlin
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
Lily Tomlin
No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
Lily Tomlin
We're all in this alone.
Lily Tomlin
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
Quentin Crisp
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
Evan Davis
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
If at first you don't succeed, try again.
Then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.
Mark Twain
Yeah, I saw my parents today ... It's all right, they didn't see me or anything.
Margaret Smith
Have you noticed? Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating ... and you finish off as an orgasm.
George Carlin
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Phillips
If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, "Do you want fries with that?"
John Cleese
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Steven Wright
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Steven Wright
Is there another word for synonym?
Steven Wright
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Steven Wright
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Steven Wright
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
Steven Wright
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Steven Wright
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Steven Wright
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and .... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
Today I ... No, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
This isn't all true.
Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
Why are there no B batteries?
Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Steven Wright
"Did you sleep well?"
"No, I made a couple of mistakes."
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.
It was in the shape of a house.
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.
I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
Steven Wright
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.
I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
Steven Wright
The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading ... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually.
Steven Wright
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.
It said, "What for?"
Steven Wright
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
Steven Wright
The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
Steven Wright
Is "tired old cliche" one?
Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
It only rains straight down.
God doesn't do windows.
Steven Wright
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives. The clerk says, "Ten-four."
Steven Wright
A beautiful woman moved in next door.
So I went over and returned a cup of sugar.
"You didn't borrow this."
"I will."
Steven Wright
I had my coathangers spayed.
Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today.
I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
I was in the first submarine.
Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded."
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Steven Wright
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.
They lay there and looked at each other.
Their families came and took them away.
Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other.
One of them looked at the other and said,
"So. What did you think?"
Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar.
She said, "Cut it out."
Steven Wright
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child ... eventually.
Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment.
The people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night.
I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
My house is on the median strip of a highway.
You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
Steven Wright
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.
He was using a dotted line.
He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Steven Wright
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Steven Wright
I bought a dog the other day ... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning ... [picks up a glass of water] ... I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
Steven Wright
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
Steven Wright
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
Steven Wright
Marilyn Monroe ~ My Words
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