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REWARD
$5,000,000.00
WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE
USAMA (OSAMA) BIN LADEN
http://www.fbi.gov/mostwant/topten/fugitives/laden.htm
2001 Oct 8
Subject: Osama and the genie
If this could only be true!!
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and an Israeli are out walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm.
I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye,
'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afganistan, so that no
infidels and Jews can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,
'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" Goldberg, an Israeli civil engineer, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall that's around Afghanistan."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely
surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."
"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."
_______________________________________________________
2001 Aug 4
Subject: 50 and older
For the 50 and older crowd:
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can eat dinner at 4:00
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
television.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You send money to PBS.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
People send you this list ...
_______________________________________________________
2001 July 27
150 WAYS TO TELL IF YOU'RE GHETTO :
You Know You're Ghetto if...
-You put sugar on your frosted flakes
-Your kids were in your wedding.
-You call your mama by her first name.
-You have a car phone and no car.
-You iron dirty clothes.
-You've been a guest on Ricky Lake.
-You wear house shoes to the grocery store.
-You're nineteen and you just met your father.
-You use a clothes hanger as a TV antenna.
-You have a wife and kids but still live at home.
-You chew ice.
-You cain't kant spell "can't."
-You still wear anything that says "Whoop, there it is."
-You record over previously recorded tapes.
-Your mom does your hair in the kitchen.
-You don't pay your rent until you get a three-day notice.
-You put on panty-hose instead of shaving your legs.
-You buy clothes for a party and return them to the
store the next day.
-You only go to church on Easter and Mother's Day or
to meet women.
-Your first name begins with Ta', La', or Sha'.
-You took the batteries out of the smoke detector to put
in your pager.
-Your bank is a check-cashing place.
-You have to put stuff on layaway at the
99-cent store.
-Your man can wear his hair in a ponytail but you can't.
-You're hooked on ebonics.
-You think putting batteries in the refrigerator
recharges them.
-When you were little you had to be in the house
before the streetlights came on.
-You take bubble bath with dishwashing liquid.
-You return gifts for the money.
-You yell "Pookie" in your house and five people
turn around.
-You think going to prison is "keeping it real."
-You save cooking grease.
-The only dates marked on calendar are the 1st and the 15th.
-Your mama whipped you and your friends.
-You keep food stamps in money clip.
-You think grease and water make your hair curly.
-You wear tube socks with dress shoes.
-You add water to shampoo to stretch it.
-You put you kids to sleep with NyQuil.
-You use your welfare check as collateral.
-You can read your haircut.
-You use a toothbrush to style your "baby hair".
-You named your daughters after cars you can't afford.
-You bought your rims before you bought your car.
-Your fingernails are longer than your fingers.
-You think jury duty is a good way to make money.
-You think going on a diet means no candy.
-You have a drawer in your kitchen just for
condiments from fast-food restaurants.
2001 July 19
Subject: BAD AMERICAN by George Carlin
BAD AMERICAN by George Carlin
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel
governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away
to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or
Marilyn Manson sang.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in
English.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular
opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment
than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the
bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't
begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now,
when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years
in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any
witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so
shut-the-#$%!-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse
Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always
part of the problem and not the solution.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're
running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass
over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want
you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation the world
for the next four years.
I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me
crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.
These people should be targets.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license
should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you
promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child; it takes
two parents.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't
pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex
for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United
States.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you
too are a BAD American, please forward this to everyone you know.
We need our country back!
2001 July 11
This is for men who are tired of receiving male-bashing jokes.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it to you.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be
able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer
to the sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
She starts her sentence with "A man once told me. . ."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who's lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake.
Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked me "what's on the t.v.?"
I said Dust.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman and since then,
neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said:
"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I
had your willpower."
Young Son: Is it true Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country Son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
The next day he received a hundred or more letters.
They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your
wife's birthday is to forget it. Once.
Are women equal to men?
No. Not until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut and still think they're beautiful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eighteen Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
18 - You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
17 - If you are having trouble with golf, it's perfectly acceptable to
pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.
15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you
don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you
become famous.
14 - Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners
you've golfed with.
13 - It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
12 - When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty
about imagining the two of you golfing together.
11 - If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if
you golf with someone else.
10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you golf by
yourself.
9 - When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are
really an undercover cop.
8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy
golf stuff.
7 - You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf
jokes, and invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for
harassment.
6 - There's no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
5 - If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe
to a premium cable channel.
4 - Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the
rest of your life.
3 - Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest
in the game.
2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the
enjoyment of golf.
1 - Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week!
Is that all you ever think about?"
2001 July 9
----- Subject: The World's Thinnest books
20) BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19) HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18) HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17) THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16) MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15) THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14) THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13) THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12) AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11) AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10) DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9) COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES - by DR. JACK KEVORKIAN
8) EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7) EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6) ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen De Generes
5) MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4) SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3) THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2) MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Thinnest book...
1) MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton / co-author Rev .Jesse Jackson
2001 June 12
REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present
the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
**********************************************************************
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
**********************************************************************
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what
do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few
are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or
peccable?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY
hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and.........In which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race which, of course, isn't a race at all.
2001 May 25
ALCOHOL WARNINGS
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four
in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex
without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass
kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll
over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns of the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than
most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
you are invisible or worse, bulletproof.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance
in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to
literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2001 May 23
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!
