First off, let me introduce myself! Hello, English, my name is Andy. A good, righteous, God-fearing Christian name. Not one of those namby-pamby, baby-girl names that are popular today, such as "Dakota" or "Chutney" or "Valdez". This is a picture of me to the right. Here, I can be seen with some of my younger relatives as we prepare to go on vacation in our "Amish Winebago".

We're not all boring people, we Amish. Aside from our Quilting Bees and barn raisings, we sometimes let our hair hang loose and go wild. In this picture, we can see Ebenezer, his wife Ellen, and their horse Elspeth. They are this year's winners of the "Stand Still and Do Nothing for Two Hours" contest. Normally, doing nothing for two hours would be considered sloth, but as Ebenezer puts it "If you think standing completely still for two hours is easy, I challenge you to beat me next year!"

We Amish believe strongly that too many worldly goods and conveniences will spoil the soul. Also, sometimes we have to trim out the luxuries of life, and live as God intended. Here, we can see young Elijah Pulsifer in his bedroom. Yes, Elijah sleeps in a tree. His sister Elizabeth sleeps in the well, and his mother and father sleep in each other's laps.

It is important to remember just how important family life can be. So, when it comes time for the family to gather (meals, prayer time, barn raisings, etc.), the entire Pulsifer family gathers together in front of a hole in the ground. As Papa Ezekiel Pulsifer likes to say "T'aint just any hole, 'tis a Pulsifer hole!"

If you have been paying attention, you have learned a great deal about the Amish way of life by now. To see how much you have learned, here's a little quiz: which of the following pieces of clothing (seen to the left) is considered heathen? You guessed it right, it was the middle one. To the left and right, we see good, solid examples of Amish fashion. Simple, black coats and straw hats. In the middle, is a scandalous red scarf. As we all know, red is the color of Satan, and should be avoided. Also, the Amish do not believe in scarves. If your neck is cold, grow your beard longer (this goes for the women too - there is no sexual discrimination in the eyes of the Lord).

Those of you who think the Amish don't know how to "party" couldn't be more wrong. Of course, dancing with women is a sin, so here we see Edward dancing with some bridles and reigns. Other examples of Amish partying include drinking juice with lots of sugar in it, then spinning around and around until you feel really silly.

On certain Holy days, all the Amish men gather together, and (get this)....exchange hats! Oh, how the hillarity ensues when Big Ed puts on Little Ed's hat, I can tell you! And the time Uncle Elis accidentally put Ewen's hat on upside down had the entire town in stitches for months on end! That should put an end to mistaken view most English have of the Amish being dour and boring.

Somehow, Lord knows how, the Amish have a reputation as being boring cooks. People think our cuisine is dry, flavourless, and unimaginative. Nothing could be further from the truth! The Amish enjoy one of the most varied diets int he world, and have created delacies fit for a King!

Here, we see young Elijah Pulsifer (remember him, in the tree?) enjoying one of the most common Amish delicacies, known as "field jam". Field jam is easy to prepare: just catch a grasshopper and, as young Elijah is demonstrating, suck the goop out of it. You just put your lips at one end, suck real hard, and catch all those wonderful grasshopper innards on your tongue. Not only is field jam nutritious and delicious - its also free! How many other cultures can say that about their delicacies?

Not all Amish are totally good and respectable people. Sometimes, even the Amish go wild. Here, we see an example of Amish vandalism: a particularly dirty Amish swear-word has been carved into this tree (for a translation, see Cursing, Amish Style). This type of vandalism is much worse than the kind seen in the city: after all, spray paint can be painted over - how can you paint over a tree?

Throughout this tour, I may have inadvertantly given the impression that Amish women are not important. This is not at all true! Without Amish women, there would be no Amish boys born! So of course, Amish women are treasured. Here we see Evangeline as she prepares her own web site, called "Amish Babe-Cam". Of course, she can't use a camera. Instead, once a day, her brother Exeter makes a wood-carving of her in a provocative pose (showing a bit of ankle, winking, that kind of thing). He then ties the carving to a goat, and the goat delivers it to our Satanist Lawyer. The lawyer then does something that makes it appear on the Internet. I don't know what he does, and frankly, I don't want to.

Hopefully, this page has done its job, and you have learned a bit more about the Amish way of life. Cast of your misconceptions, heathen, and rejoice in all that which is Amish!