Locke: Breeding (cntd.)

Some Thoughts Concerning Education - by John Locke, 1693

[ Breeding, cntd. ]

§ 143 As the before-mentioned consists in too great a concern how to behave ourselves towards others, so the other part of ill breeding lies in the appearance of too little care of pleasing or showing respect to those we have to do with. To avoid these, two things are requisite: first, a disposition of the mind not to offend others: and, secondly, the most acceptable and agreeable way of expressing that disposition. From the one, men are called civil: from the other, well-fashioned. The latter of these is that decency and gracefulness of looks, voice, words, motions, gestures, and of all the whole outward demeanour which pleases in company, and makes those easy and delighted whom we converse with. This is, as it were, the language whereby that internal civility of the mind is expressed; and being very much governed by the fashion and custom of every country, as other languages are, must, in the rules and practice of it, be learned chiefly from observation, and the carriage of those who are allowed to be exactly well-bred. The other part, which lies in the mind, is that general goodwill and regard for all people, which makes any one have a care not to show, in his carriage, any contempt, disrespect, or neglect of them; but to express, according to the fashion and way of that country, a respect and value for them, according to their rank and condition. It is a disposition of the mind that shows itself in the carriage, whereby a man avoids making any one uneasy in conversation.

I shall take notice of four qualities, that are most directly opposite to this first and most taking of all the social virtues. And from some one of these four it is that incivility commonly has its rise. I shall set them down, that children may be preserved or recovered from their ill influence.

1. Roughness. The first is a natural roughness, which makes a man uncomplaisant to others, so that he has no deference for their inclinations, tempers or conditions. 'Tis the sure badge of a clown, not to mind what pleases or difpleases those he is with; and yet one may find a man in fashionable clothes give an unbounded swing to his humour; and suffer it to justle or over-run any one that stands in its way, with a perfect indifferency how they take it. This is a brutality that every one sees and abhors, and no body can be easy with; and therefore this finds no place in any one who would be thought to have the least tincture of good breeding. For the very end and business of good breeding is to supply the natural stiffness, and so soften men's tempers, that they may bend to a compliance, and acommodate themselves to those they have to do with.

2. Contempt. Contempt, or want of respect, discovered either in looks, words or gesture. This, from whomsoever it comes, brings always uneasiness with it: for no body can contentedly bear being slighted.

3. Censoriousness. Censoriousness, and finding fault with others, has a direct opposition to civility. Men, whatever they are or are not guilty of, would not have their faults displayed, and set in open view and broad daylight, before their own or other people's eyes. Blemishes affixed to any one always carry shame with them: and the discovery, or even bare imputation of any defect is not born without some uneasiness. Raillery is the most refined way of exposing the faults of others: but, because it is usually done with wit and good language, and gives entertainment to the company, people are led into a mistake, that where it keeps within fair bounds, there is no incivility in it. And so the pleasantry of this sort of conversation often introduces it amongst people of the better rank; and such talkers are favourably heard and generally applauded by the laughter of the bystanders on their side. But they ought to consider, that the entertainment of the rest of the company is at the cost of that one who is set out in their burlesque colours, who therefore is not without uneasiness, unless the subject, for which he is railled, be really in itself matter of commendation. For then the pleasant images and representations, which make the raillery, carrying praise as well as sport with them, the rallied person also finds his account, and takes part in the diversion. But because the right management of so nice and ticklish a business, wherein a little slip rnay spoil all, is not every body's talent, I think those who would secure themselves from provoking others, especially all young people, should carefully abstain from raillery, which by a small mistake, or any wrong turn, may leave upon the mind of those who are made uneasy by it, the lasting memory of having been picquantly, though wittily, taunted for something censurable in them.

Besides raillery, contradiction is a sort of censoriousness, wherein ill-breeding often shows itself. Complaisance does not require that we should always admit all the reasonings or relations that the company is entertained with; no, nor silently to let pass all that is vented in our hearing. The opposing the opinions, and rectifying the mistakes of others, is what truth and charity sometimes require of us, and civility does not oppose, if it be done with due caution and care of circumstances. But there are some people that one may observe, possessed as it were with the spirit of contradiction, that steadily, and without regard to right or wrong, oppose some one, or perhaps every one, of the company, whatever they say. This is so visible and outrageous a way of censuring, that no body can avoid thinking himself injured by it. All opposition to what another man has said, is so apt to be suspected of censoriousness, and is so seldom received without some sort of humiliation, that it ought to be made in the gentlest manner, and softest words can be found, and such as, with the whole deportment, may express no forwardness to contradict. All marks of respect and good will ought to accompany it, that whilst we gain the argument, we may not lose the esteem of those that hear us.

4. Captiousness. Captiousness is another fault opposite to civility; not only because it often produces misbecoming and provoking expressions, and carriage; but because it is a tacit accusation and reproach of some incivility taken notice of in those whom we are angry with. Such a suspicion or intimation cannot be born by any one without uneasiness. Besides, one angry body discomposes the whole company, and the harmony ceases upon such jarring.

The happiness that all men so steadily pursue consisting in pleasure, it is easy to see why the civil are more acceptable than the useful. The ability, sincerity, and good intention of a man of weight and worth, or a real friend, seldom atones for the uneasiness that is produced by his grave and solid representations. Power and riches, nay virtue itself, are valued only as conducing to our happiness: and therefore he recommends himself ill to another, who in the services he does him, makes him uneasy in the manner of doing them. He that knows how to make those he converses with easy, without debasing himself to low and servile flattery, has found the true art of living in the world, and being both welcome and valued every where. Civility therefore is what in the first place should with great care be made habitual to children and young people.