Celebrity Death Match
The X-Files vs Men In Black

Transcript: First screened in Australia on Channel 10 (Capital), February 18, 1999.
Transcribed by CarriK the Transcriber on the XF newsgroups and previously posted on a number of different sites.

Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny vs Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith

ANNOUNCER:In the blue corner: These actors are the best kept secret in the universe. From Men in Black - Here are Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith!

(Crowd cheers as TLJ and WS stand proudly back-to-back and put their sunglasses on, then slam their chests together in a display of testosterone build-up.)

ANNOUNCER:And in the red corner: From Vancouver, Los Angeles, and Vancouver again, here are The X-Files stars, Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny!

(Crowd cheers. DD and GA are on their cell phones completely ignoring the crowd and each other. GA, wearing some strange pink and greenish outfit, is taller than DD.)

(Cut to booth - ANNOUNCER holds up cheesy souvenirs that they have been trying to sell.)

(TLJ comes over to the red corner.)

JONES:Oh, Mr. Tea Leoni. Please don't make me stand here all day waiting to kick your pensive little ass.

DUCHOVNY:(Mulderism style) Call me crazy but something about this fight just doesn't seem right. I mean, I get the feeling these guys may be part of some large secretive government agency hell-bent on keeping the American public in the dark regarding extra-terrestrials.

ANDERSON: (putting down her phone) Yeah, yeah. Another conspiracy, right? "Believe the Lie." I've got it. And you know WHY I've got it? Because you say it seventeen times a week.

DUCHOVNY: The truth IS out there, Gillian.

ANDERSON: (putting phone back to her ear) Whatever.

(Crowd member yells "Look out, Duchovny!")

(TLJ flies into frame knocking DD down.)

ANNOUNCER: Good hit!

ANDERSON: (on phone over sound of punches and grunts) Sorry, I got interrupted. Go on.

(TLJ has DD on the ground. He pokes DD's eyes then grabs him by the collar and laughs.)

JONES: Time for me to protect the universe from the scum of cheesy sci-fi TV.

(DD grunts as TLJ head butts him, drops him to the mat and crosses casually back to WS. They slap hands.)

ANNOUNCER: Good head butt there! Tommy Lee Jones gets up and makes the tag.

SMITH: You know what the difference between you and me, Tommy Lee? I make ass-kicking look gooood.

("Gettin' Jiggy with It" begins playing. WS begins dancing. DD has managed to drag himself over to GA who is still on the phone ignoring him. He weakly stretches his hand out to her.)

DUCHOVNY: Gillian *

(DD is quickly dragged back to the center of the ring and flipped over by WS who raises a fist with brass knuckles that spell "WILL.")

SMITH: Let's get jiggy with it, shall we?

(WS hits DD several times in the face, does and dance move then kicks him out of the way. The word "WILL" is imprinted on DD bloody face. WS brushes off his sleeves and crosses back to TLJ.)

ANNOUNCER: And Will Smith goes over for the tag.

SMITH: Yeah. Finish him, Cowboy.

(They high five again. DD can barely lift his head off the mat. He has his phone out.)

DUCHOVNY: Gillian. (no response) Hey, Red! (head falls back to the floor with a groan)

ANDERSON: (still on phone) No * no. It's more of an itching than a burning. And * (beep) Damn. Hold on. I have another call. (punches button, irritated) What?

DUCHOVNY: (into phone) Help me. Please! Help me.

ANDERSON: (sighing, into phone, other line) Ahab, I have to call you back. (hangs up)

ANNOUNCER: Tommy Lee, brandishing some high-tech hardware.

JONES: (readying one of the MIB big guns) I move in silence, I walk in shadow, I take out Duchovny.

(Through gun sights we see infrared image of DD lying helpless on the floor of the ring. Just as TLJ is about to fire, there is a blinding flash of light. TLJ cries out in pain and shields his eyes. GA is holding a large flashlight on him.)

ANDERSON: Curl up and die light, Mr. Jones!

(GA slams the butt of the light on TLJ's head.)

ANNOUNCER: And it's lights out for Tommy Lee!

(Sounds of GA beating up TLJ as DD lifts his battered head again and watches.)

DUCHOVNY: So that's why she always carries that stupid thing.

(Cut to booth: ANNOUNCERS hold up T-shirts and do another sales pitch over sounds from the ring.) (Back to the ring. GA is beating up TLJ.)

ANNOUNCER: Amazing. Anderson's pummeling Tommy Lee at will now and he's offered up almost no offense at all.

ANNOUNCER 2: It appears that this is one Tommy Lee who DOESN'T hit girls.

(GA swings her leg around and karate kicks TLJ to the floor ala KillSwitch, then holds her hand out to him.)

ANDERSON: All right, Tommy. This is silly. We don't need to fight. We can be friends.

(TLJ thinks about it, then reaches for her hand.)

ANNOUNCER: Looks like Tommy Lee is going to take her up on that offer.

(TLJ gasps and bugs eyes as GA pulls him up roughly and knees him in the groin.)

ANNOUNCER: Not very lady-like! (She racks him three more times.)

ANNOUNCER: And that's not either.

(TLJ kneels in pain.)

ANDERSON: Geez. Didn't you ever hear the phrase "Trust No One?" (turns to DUCHOVNY, still lying on the floor) You want to get the pin, partner?

DUCHOVNY: (lifting his head eagerly) Really? Me?

ANDERSON: You can do it. You just have to believe.

DUCHOVNY: I believe. Really. In just about anything no matter how silly. You see, there's -

ANDERSON: (interrupting) Pin him, already!!!

SMITH: (holding big MIB gun on them) You all better freeze!

DUCHOVNY: (standing) Eek.

ANDERSON: Oh no. (then to DD) Did you just say "eek?"

DUCHOVNY: (shrugging) Sorry.

SMITH: (to TLJ who has recovered) OK there, partner. It looks like it's time for us to turn the X-People into Ex People.

JONES: Frag 'em, partner.

SMITH: (aiming gun) I just hold it like this here. Point it that way. Pull this like this, right?

JONES: Well, almost. See, you're holding it backwards. Now you - (WS accidentally fires the gun at himself and TLJ instantly reducing both to body fragments covered in blue slime. Crowd goes wild. Bell rings.)

ANNOUNCER: We call that the Men in Blue. This fight is over!

ANDERSON: (amazed) We're alive.

DUCHOVNY: (clapping) Yippee!

ANDERSON: And we won.

DUCHOVNY: (clapping) Yippee!

ANDERSON: We are the number one alien ass-kickers.

DUCHOVNY: (clapping) Yippee!

ANDERSON: Come here, partner. (grabs DD and dips him into an embrace) Let's celebrate. I've wanted to do this for a long time.

DUCHOVNY: (clapping) Yippee! Wait. What?

(GA, tongue out, moves in for a kiss.)

DUCHOVNY: (going for it too) Oh *

(Almost kiss, then the alien that came out of Celine Dion earlier in the show and got its brain ripped out has revived and begins walking through the audience.)

DUCHOVNY: Oh, my God. Gillian, look at that.

ALIEN: (to crowd) Out of my freaking way you jerk-off! (exits)

DUCHOVNY: (still in embrace) I think it's an alien!

ANDERSON: (Scully mode) No. No, see, that's a weather balloon. Yeah, that's it. A weather balloon. With, um, sunspots.

DUCHOVNY: Oh. Really? Wow, it's funny how your eyes play tricks on you like that. I remember once when - Uh!!

(GA begins passionately kissing him. Crowd cheers. Immediate cut to booth. Sound of crowd reacting to kissing going on.)

ANNOUNCER: OK, then, it looks like the action's finished down there.

ANNOUNCER 2: Yeah. Nothing left to see.

ANNOUNCER: Except Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny kissing.

ANNOUNCER 2: And nobody wants to see that.

ANNOUNCER: Folks we are desperately out of time here on Celebrity Deathmatch.

(Crowd goes wild again at the kiss we can't see. ANNOUNCERs fill the rest of the time pitching the souvenirs.)

ANNOUNCER 2: But before we go, we'd like to remind you that operators are standing by to take your orders for any of the fine collectibles we offered earlier.

ANNOUNCER: And if you act now, you can be among the lucky buyers to purchase an actual piece of Tommy Lee Jones. (holds up body part)

ANNOUNCER 2: He's going fast and so are we! Join us next week for Celebrity Deathmatch!

Back to The X-Files Australian Media Page