Captain Nifty Speaks Out

Well Here's a little thing I came up with. It consists of me typing whatever pops into my head and posting it on the internet for people like you to read; and speaking of whatever here it is...
If you'd like to see what I had to say about the last millenium then click here for all the speakings out from the last thousand years.

Monday May 14, 2001 12:46 PM Pacific Daylight Time

Look I wrote here again thus satisfying the previous speakings implied contractual obligations "wink wink" and now on to something very important; for the past several years I have had this odd compulsion about doors that close downward, like garage doors etc, anyway I feel compelled to run towards them as they close and slide under the closing door, I think I traced this back to the opening of Raiders of the Lost Ark, the wonderful Indiana Jones movie, so I think the compulsion should be named the Jones Syndrome or possibly Harrison Fever one of those I don't know I just thought it was an odd compulsion, and it's actually fun to do, I've done it twice, both times very exciting, I highly recommend it as a fairly dangerous thing which is fun to do, unless of course the door closes on you and removes an arm or leg or torso or other body part vital to your daily life, so maybe I don't recommend it , but just remember there is no cure to the Jones Syndrome unless you get caught in the door, you probably wouldn't want to do it again after that, so I guess this overall had no point to it unless you found one somewhere cause I sure don't see it.

Friday April 6, 2001 6:48 PM Pacific Daylight Time

Wow, I really managed to neglect this speaking out thing I mean it's a new year since the last time I 'spoke out' on anything and I think I've accumulated enough mental backwash to warrant a good discharge of captain nifty's personal deep thoughts on the nature of the universe and other things I think about for no apparent reason, like the ratio of albinos in arctic species compared to more temperate species; think about it, or perhaps a deep look into the many interpreted meanings of the word antidisestablishmentarianism or other fun ones like pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, AKA black lung a coal miners disease and also one of the longest words in the english language.

But I won't talk about any of that I was just making some examples what I really am going to bring to light today is the conspiracy to rob me of an hour of my life yes I speak of daylight savings, but come to think of it it's not that bad and hey now it's lighter out later woo hoo daylight savings time is great I think we should move forward 6 or 7 hours instead of just one then the sun would rise around noon and set about 6 AM the next morning it would be great I think you should all right to your congressman about this one or perhaps while we're playing with time lets see if our congressman can get congress to pass a resolution to extend the day by a few hours it would be great for the economy and everyone would benefit, or maybe a new day of the week I never have been in with the whole 'gregorian' calendar guys frankly I don't like them all a bunch of elitist snobs I say we take back our time and change it around some, maybe the new day should be called Friday II everyone loves Fridays so why not have two in the week it would be a massive improvement and I think I'm done writing I wrote a lot, and just maybe I'll get around to writing here before another year rolls around or maybe not I make no promises, at least not any legally binding promises, I promise*.

*captain nifty makes no promise, any promise you infer from the phrase 'I promise' in the aforementioned text should be disregarded, and also should you still think that captain nifty promised anything than perhaps this long unending double talk will dissuade you from thinking at all and you will just smile broadly and hum, yes hum a happy song, note captain nifty is not responsible for trademark infringements from any trademarked 'happy' songs that the individual reading this may or may not now be humming as they continue to read this almost unendingly long list of almost random things which are written here and also now maybe you should switch to humming a melancholy song perhaps with a laid back tempo around 60 or 70 beats per minute, also note that captain nifty is not responsible for any new trademark infringements from any trademarked 'melancholy' songs that the individual reading this may or may not now be humming and is still not responsible if they are still humming the aforementioned 'happy' song I really do not care, perhaps you should stop humming now or perhaps not, this is long long sentence there have been no periods this one is a doozy even for a punctuationally challenged individual such as myself, perhaps you've noticed I write long long paragraph like sentences using only commas or occasionally a semi colon, and I think maybe now this sentence can finally end; ha you thought I was stopping but I won't stop, by the way are you still humming because I now would like to take some responsibility for the trademark infringements of any of you who are humming trademarked 'happy' or 'melancholy' songs, just a little note about that by the phrase "some responsibility" captain nifty meant no responsibility at all as the amount he wished to take personal ownership of and sole responsibility still resides in the parties who now or ever in the past few minutes while reading this have hummed any trademarked 'happy' or 'melancholy' songs and I wonder how to end this I got it I'll Just fade the font to a smaller size and then really start up with some amazingly complex writing perhaps someone will be able to decode and understand any and or all of this sentence, if so I would like to say to them, "what a waste of time" but that is the name of the site 'Captain Nifty's Waste of Time' although that does seem to imply that it's just a waste of my time and is not a waste of your time however if you would think of a 'Waste of Time' as a thing then I am giving this thing to you and you should be grateful and also if monkeys can't fly where did they get flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz I saw those monkey fly they flew, a little side note captain nifty did not see any flying monkeys and never has although he has seen monkeys at the zoo who seemed to 'fly' by swinging in certain ways that seem to defy gravity and this is of coarse what captain nifty meant when he indicated that he had seen 'flying' monkeys, this is about done if you read all of this congratulations to you, now get a life, and then give it to me or some lawyers from the RIAA might be informed about some trademark infringement that you happened to take part in you humming fools, ha ha ha haha haha haha ha, note captain nifty knows no lawyers of the RIAA, has no need of a life, and by 'fools' he meant well groomed professional individuals who are very attractive physically as well as mentally capable of math and other hard things like resetting the clock on VCR's; stupid daylight savings time!

Tuesday August 29, 2000 11:03

So I guess I neglected my web site for more than a month and I must say it was really pretty fun, well actually I don't think it qualifies as fun because I didn't even really think about it so it was not really even a conscious thing so I guess that perhaps my subconscious enjoyed it a lot, do you know what else it likes, mangos, my subconscious can't get enough mangos, yep...

Tuesday July 18, 2000 2:25 PM

Well I don't know why I made this but I did it is very evil. It's not so much what it does as it is how it does it. Click here to see 'it'. It cycles a rainbow of background colors across the screen, something which could be acomplished with a very small amount of javascripting, but I found a different way to do it involving redirects and such, i don't know if it will reload fast enough to be amusing on-line if not just download the thing here and run it locally on your computer which should go faster

Thursday July 6, 2000 11:19 PM

Well last year for my birthday I got one of those mini tape recorders I decided to take the thing with me for a couple days and record my deep thoughts, I found the tape a couple days ago after having recorded over a few deep thoughts but I figured it would still be amusing so startin from about 13 deep thoughts into the list here is that list that I previosly aforementioned in the above text.

Yo-yos never were fun
Hibbs is an idiot
He's more of an idiot now... getting stupider and he continues to threaten me with the yo-yo
If you throw the yo-yo without the string it doesn't come back
It does if your standing on a hill... clarification it does if your standing on the bottom of a hill throwing it up
Tastes like chicken
Morning is too early check into possibly moving it back 3 or 4 hours possibly into the late afternoon
Exactly what are the qualifications of a yo-yo master?
Is yo-yoer an actual word?
Inventor of the yo-yo, or well I don't know if he was the inventor, but ya know the Duncan yo-yos thing, was Duncan his first name or his Last name?
Question of the relationship between Duncan the yo-yo maker and Duncan doughnuts
Doughnuts are good
Bear Claws also good maybe a nice um little pastry of any kind would be good
Maple bar
What is the average height of the standard lawn gnome?
Question on the name of Jello, where did that come from?
What happened to The New Coke?
Clear Pepsi, Find some
Ninth times the charm doesn't really work
Where do you buy those blind people canes?
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts happen to somehow
What happened to the first Darren on Bewitched?
Don't think, ever
Poetry is gay
History sucks check into going into the past and stopping it
oh crap!
And now for our friends south of the border no se espa�ol es muy.. evil..hold on I don't speak spanish that well so um quieta estupido
Blue car
What if trees could walk?
No shirt no shoes no service, do you have to have pants?
What does lead taste like, does it taste like chicken?
Raw sewage smells really bad
Has anyone actually had that dream where your eating a giant marshmellow and then wake up with out the pillow or is that just a whole fake thing?
Bad mental picture
Gag myself, vomit, repeat
A barrel full of monkeys isn't that fun
Donkey Kong
What are you smiling at, stupid!
No don't touch that!
What is a stich in nine, and how does it save time?
Build a super computer and use it to calculate lottery numbers
Falling down sucks, check in to see if we could fall up possibly
Finals are pure evil, find out who invented them and kill them, then bring them back to life and kill them a few times more
The chicken is everywhere
Mental picture
Garbage shutes

And thus ends the tragic story of... Oh wait it wasn't a story and I guess it really wasn't that tragic so umm... thus ends the non tragic List of things.

Sunday June 11, 2000 9:56 AM

Well today in my free time I was going through the files I backed up from school, and I found a very amusing story I wrote with my friend D. It's an amusing circa 1940's radio space drama thinging.. it's fairly long so I decided to make it a seperate file so if you want it you have to click here

Saturday June 10, 2000 6:09 PM

Well quess what Captain Nifty somehow managed to graduate from High School and in a few more days he'll turn 18 and officialy be a human being. Well isn't that special. And umm now I don't have to go to school anymore so I can sleep in and get enough sleep and that's nice because I enjoy sleeping in until around 10 AM at the earliest sometimes as late as 2 PM. And then some stuff and more stuff and I'm tired wow it's really amusing to watch myself type woo hoo look I'm just hitten them keys how very exciting and now I'm done!

Sunday May 21, 2000 10:01 o' rama PM

Well, munkie, everyone out there in internet land of stuff I'm not really thinkin bout what I be typin' so this sentence no make sense to you or me, maybe the French will understand it I meen they think jerry lewis is a god they even gave him the highest government honors they can give to anyone, but I think the invention of the bagette and the croisant more than make up for it, but if you're French and are offended maybe you should drink some more wine and reminisce about WWII when you surrended like a bunch of pansies that's right a bunch of little French pansies!

Tuesday May 2, 2000 12:58 AM (Amsterdam time)

well now that I know what time it is in Amsterdam I think I can write some stuff here. So what the deal with um ya know controversial type stuff I'm not sure what, how about some magical animal that produces many wonderful types of meat; bacon, ham, & pork. Yes I speak of the pig. what a wonderful animal.

Wednesday April 5, 2000 1:41 PM

Hmm Well I haven't done anything here in a while so I think I will. Umm it's spring break I have a week off. Just enough time to adjust my sleep schedule around so that school will be going on at exactly the wrong time of day. I have some free time, more than usual so I decided to read some books and Umm squirrels have poofy tails and the sky is blue in Amsterdam except on Tuesdays....

Saturday March 11, 2000 11:49 AM

Well I just finished making something cool, a website under 5k, it was for some contest. I spent a lot of time making the code as small as I could and it's only 4.09k. I hope I win, the grand prize is 5,120 cents, and I need the money, because there's stuff I want to buy and I'm to lazy to get a real job. If you want to go see the 5k page I made then you should most likely click here

Wednesday March 1, 2000 3:36 PM

Well I was just thinking I shoold probably right sum knew wierd, way out thing here, like phlying munkies or cities on the moon but instead I think I'll just write this and be finished with the paragraf and not kare about my atrocious spellin.

Tuesday February 15, 2000 7:16 PM

And now a simpsons quote because I'm not creative enough to make something of my own that is amusing so without any further adou....

"No Lisa the only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, I call him gamblor, now let's go snatch her away from his neon claws"
--Homer Simpsons

how about another quote, well I wasn't really asking I just thought it would be nice if you thought you had a choice.

"At least we'll die doing what we love, inhaling molten rock"
--Homer Simpsons

Weren't those amusing Simpsons quotes, I thought so and maybe you did also; right now I don't really care!

Wednesday January 26, 2000 6:56 PM by your simple earth calender!

So I was um really tired school finals I take finals need sleep must write senior paper or I won't graduate that bad want to graduate must write paper by tomorrow or I'm screwed, I'm really tired. Have you ever had that persistent feally of immenent doom just around the corner and you did't really mind, but you did have some really tripped out dreams and were really tired, and also um what about that one thing that all the kids are doing these days I don't remember what it was something, something, something else, sleep now, or play games, or maybe graphics editing, or I could write a paper for school, or sleep...

cheeseburgers

Tuesday January 18, 2000 4:08 PM

Last week I had to write a fairy tale for school this is what I came up with. I thought it was fairly amusing.

Long Ears the Dim Witted Bunny

          A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, in the mystical land of bunnies and cake lived a very large bunny. His name was Long Ears the bunny rabbit. Long Ears was incredibly stupid. He was the dumbest animal in the land, and it was rumored that even some of the cake had outwitted him.
          One day Long Ears was walking in the park and talking to his pet rock and having a very interesting conversation, when out of no where appeared the super intelligent magic cabbage from the year 3092. The cabbage proceeded to tell Long ears that he was the dumbest animal in the land, to which Long Ears replied with a resounding, "Huh?" What happened next was truly amazing the cabbage took pity on the mentally deficient Long Ears and decided to use his magical cabbage powers to make Long Ears the smartest animal in the land of bunnies and cake. And from that day on no one could ever fool the wise Long Ears and so his name was changed to the Wise Long Ears.
          The Wise Long Ears was so wise and great that he was elected to the bunny congressional assembly and later became president of the land of bunnies and cake. The Wise Long Ears served for the five-year presidential term with skill, and the economy of the land of bunnies and cake had never been better. When it came time for The Wise Long Ears to be replaced by a new president, he didn't want to be replaced, so he established himself as a dictator over the land of bunnies and cake using his superior size and military skills to crush his opponents. The Wise Long Ears then proceeded to go mad with power and declared that all the fun loving little cakes in the land would be rounded up and exterminated in the "Wise Long Ears Horrible Camps of Death�"
          Eventually the super intelligent magic cabbage from the year 3092 learned of The Wise Long Ears horrible atrocities and decided to stop him and make him dumb again. So one day in The Wise Long Ears' chambers "poof" the magic cabbage appeared. The cabbage told The Wise Long Ears that he was the baddest animal in the land of bunnies and cake and that he was going to make him stupid again. The Wise Long Ears replied by promptly eating the cabbage, but he choked on it and died and there was much rejoicing throughout the land.
          The moral of the story is that maybe super intelligent magic cabbages from the year 3092 shouldn't make a dumb bunny too smart or the bunny might corrupt the government system and make lots of innocent cakes die and then the cabbage itself might be destroyed by the smarter dumb bunny.

The End

Monday January 3, 2000 12:57 PM

Well, Since the world didn't end I guess I should update my page and just for fun I'll bring back 1999's favorite speaking out, so by popular demand, here is lava lamp....

"I don't get it, why two k?"