The following was probably one of the most difficult things I ever wrote. It tells of the adversities that I have overcome in my life. Writing it was like a theraputic thing for me. Sort of a baring of the soul I guess you could say. Writing this allowed me to finally let go of all the pain and sadness that I had kept deep inside for so many years. It allowed me to finally put the past in the past where it belonged, and to begin the process of healing my soul.
I was born January 6, 1960 in a small town in Pennsylvania. I am one of four children. I have a half-brother six years older than me, a brother almost two years older than me, and a sister almost two years younger.
My mother died March 21, 1984 at the age of 50, from a massive stroke. It was one of the most painful times in my life. She lived for 6 weeks after the stroke, basically like a vegetable, unable to communicate in any way. I would spend everyday with her. Brushing her hair (she always loved for us to do that when we were kids), putting lotion on her dry skin, just being there for her. I can still remember the fear I could see in her eyes. It really tore me apart to see her that way. I still miss her terribly.
My childhood was not what you could ever call happy. It was a life spent surrounded by alcohol and abuse. Memories of the beatings my mother endured still haunt me.
My dad was not working, although I don't remember why. I was, I think five at the time. It was when it all really started. Mom went to work as a cook in a restaurant/bar. Dad was extremely jealous and hated her working there. He used to spend most of the day there. Drinking coffee in the morning. Switching to beer later. They used to come home late, drunk, and would fight. When I say fight, I mean really fighting. Us kids would wake up hearing them and try to break them up, screaming and crying. Sometimes one or the other would wind up in the hospital from injuries. Many years of Christmas Eve, and especially New Years Eve being dreaded. I always knew what would happen when they finally came home. Even when dad was working, the cycle continued. He would be there as soon as he was out of work, and they wouldn't come home until late.
I now know that my mother suffered from depression and alcohol was her escape. She also had psoriasis which was very painful for her. I suppose the alcohol helped deaden the pain of that also.
When I was almost ten, my half-brother started molesting me. I won't give the details of what he did to me, but I can still remember the pain, both emotionally and physically, that I endured during that time. The pain continued for about a year and a half, until he went to live with my grandfather. He was almost eighteen then. I couldn't tell anyone what he was doing to me because he threatened me, and I was terrified of what he would do to me. So I endured and kept everything locked inside, along with all the other pain in my life.
By the time I started high school at age eleven, my body was that of a woman. I started developing at the age of ten. I was more developed than all the girls in my grade, and they were all at about a year older. The older boys started noticing me. I was happy. That is until I realized why they all noticed me. They wanted one thing and I knew what that was. I wanted nothing to do with that. I ignored the boys when they would ask me out. Most of the girls didn't like me because the boys noticed me. By the time I was fourteen I wore a size 36c bra. Of course things didn't get any better as I grew. The boys still wanted me....the girls liked me even less. I had very few friends, and I was unhappy. I don't really remember what age I was when the rumors started. Whether it was the boys that started them or the girls....it doesn't really matter. I had a reputation for being "easy". I had never even done anything with any boy, but still I was branded. I hated school. I hated my life.
When I was thirteen I was again molested, by an uncle this time. Then a short time later by my own dad. When I was fourteen, against my better judgement, I agreed to go on a double date with another girl. I thought it would be okay, but it wasn't. I had no idea their plan was to go to a house with no one there but us, and no telephone. I was uneasy, but had no way to leave. The other girl and her boyfriend went upstairs to a bedroom to be alone and left me alone with this boy I didn't even know. I was scared. He sat beside me and tried to kiss and touch me, but I managed to get away and told him to stop, which he finally did. Then we just sat in the dimly lit room waiting for the other two to come back. I guess I dozed off as it got late and I got tired, because the next thing I knew, I was waking up and the boy was on top of me trying to pull my clothes off....trying to rape me. I fought like I had never fought in my life and finally managed to get free. I guess the others heard my struggles and finally came back downstairs. I told them to take me home and thankfully they did. My heart was full of pain. Was my life to continue this way? Would I never know happiness? Why did men only see me one way? Why couldn't they see the little girl inside, so full of pain, and wanting only to be loved? I retreated inside myself even more.
I met my husband when I was almost fifteen. His brother married my neighbor. I was very wary at first, but as I got to know him, he seemed so different from all the other boys. He seemed to like me for me....not my body. We started dating, and life finally seemed brighter. I finally felt loved. Eventually we started having sex. We were married when I was sixteen because I was pregnant.
The years passed. I had two more children. I knew when we married that he liked to drink beer. I thought it was the young man phase, but it wasn't. As the years passed the drinking continued. The happiness that I had felt vanished. The love that I thought I had found wasn't real. I took second place to a can of beer. I no longer felt love or attraction for my husband, only disgust because of the alcohol. I wanted to leave....wanted to be free.....wanted to find some kind of happiness, but I had to think of my children first. I didn't think I could support them on my own, and I couldn't leave them, so I stayed, trapped in a life that I hated.
7/28/99
The kids are almost all grown now. They are 23, 20, and 16. I support everyone now. My husband can no longer work because of lung disease. I struggle to pay the bills and keep everything going. I have very little time to do the things I like. I work all day, and come home to deal with a drunk at night. All I want is to find some kind of happiness.
I am ready to leave now. I can no longer tolerate the alcohol or the abuse that comes with it. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I want to find someone who will truly make me happy. Someone I can give all the love I have pent up inside of me too. Someone who can truly love me in return. I am a very sensitive, romantic, giving, caring, and loving person. I have all this love to give and no one to give it to. I hope that someday I will find that special someone to make my life complete.
10/8/99
Well...I have recently seperated from my husband. Finally left the environment that had become intolerable for me. I had tried so hard to stay until my youngest was grown....but I finally reached a point where I could no longer deal with the situation. I am now struggling to start over on my own. My son decided not to go with me...didn't want to leave the only home he has ever known. Didn't want to leave his friends and especially his girlfriend. I can understand his feelings, but still wish he would move with me. My oldest son won't even speak to me now....he is so upset with me. I had hoped that being older, he would understand...but he doesn't. I never wanted to hurt my children....but I just couldn't do it anymore.
Update 2006
Well...It has been a while since I have updated the site, so I figured I would post something. I still have not found the love I seek. Everytime I have started to get close to someone, I find that they are not what they claim to be and I get hurt again. I guess I am just too trusting that people will be as honest about themselves as I am. I know there are people out there that probably think that after all the abuse I have tolerated in my life, I should have a wall around my heart to protect me. That isn't the case though. If anything I think it has made me more caring and compassionate toward others. And I think that is Gods reason for the life I have had. To give me the inner strength I needed to see me through all I have endured and yet still be loving, caring, and compassionate of others, and still have a positive outlook on life. I know that the one I am meant to be with is out there somewhere, and I believe God will send him to me when the time is right. I just have to keep searching and try to protect my heart as best I can from those that only want to cause me pain.
