The First Annual MST3K Wacky Races!--Part Three
WARNING/DISCLAIMER: For sexual innuendo and implied (but not shown) adult situations, this fanfic has been rated PG-13. If you are not old enough to read this, then don't. Or at least try not to get caught.
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Hearing the magic word "martini"
Date: 3/23/2000
From: manosgirl
manosgirl and Tina stop arguing about whose fault it is that Trumpy died, manosgirl dodges all the flying Jello and joins Rimsey for a nice beverage.
* * *
"Ring around the casket,"
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Glaistig
The rats are in the basket
Ashes to ashes
tis my turn to make you all fall down!!!!!!
I'm casting a spell that will put you all to SLEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP!!!!!
* * *
Uh oh...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
(As Gamera flies down, VV tries hard to think of a comeback... and fails. Gamera's first pass knocks him over. As the beast comes around again, VV scrambles out of the way, then makes a quick phone call)
(A half-naked guy, armed with a pencil and a Van-Damme like face runs out)
Future War Guy: (In wooden tone) I have heard... your words...before...in dark place... unscheduled...
(Gamera collapses of boredom, and the Van Damme guy stabs him with the pencil as VV mounts his wheelchair and races off)
* * *
That was inconvenient.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Samurai88
After bribing the Intergalactic Dolphin Council with several hundred buckets of squid, Samurai88 blurs back into Zigra, the monster/ship and gets back in the race somewhat behind.
Man those dolphins are strict. I mean just because you feed a few of their relatives to you hulking, evil,fish monster/space ship, they get all mad and stuff. I need to make up some time. I thought a caning looked bad. That finning was terrible.
(sits gingerly back in the control seat)
(kicks in the Japanese-sci-fi-movie-ignore-all-laws-of-physics-drive and begins a bank turn thus winding up back amonst the leaders)
"KCTT"
Samurai88
* * *
LadyKenobi..And Anyone Else
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
..who is confoozed, ("Zathras does not want you being confoozed.") here is the rundown on my vehicles, characters, and technology support system:
LadyKenobi, Evil Joel is on the KTMA version of the Satellite of Love, which I don't know if you've seen it or not but it looks VERY DIFFERENT from the dogbone one and in my opinion it's a seperate ship from the one we're all used to. He is on the Satellite and has souped it up really great, with shields, heavy armour plating, laser guns all over the place and quantum torpedos. (Not photon, QUANTUM, like the Defiant from DS9 has.) See, his OWN ship, from his universe, is the Satellite of Hate and it's really armed to the teeth. He made it that way, and so now he's made MY ship that way.
Evil Joel? Well, you can tell him from the normal one by the fact that his eyes are AWAKE--in fact, bugging out insanely!--his hair is slicked back instead of fluffing softly into the air, he has a goatee all the time instead of just every now and then, and he wears a cool black jumpsuit.
And I KNOW who's in which location, Boy Joel, so don't even TRY that again, or else I really WILL want to hurt you! ;) I'm not gonna kill my support system! Geez! Besides, Evil Joel is a total genius so if I did try to kill him I'D probably wind up dead.
But the important thing is, _I_ am NOT ON THE SHIP. I am not _using_ the ship as my actual vehicle. My vehicle is a MOTORCYCLE! :) The ship is my backup. It shoots things for me and keeps watch on the other racers from the sky. But I'm not riding in it. Why not? Because I already picked my vehicle and it's a sidehack motorcycle, so I'm stickin' with it. However, somebody just HAPPENED to leave a perfectly good, if somewhat out-of-date, Satellite lying around in Earth's orbit, so...
ANYWAY. Here is where everybody is who is on my team:
CLAYTON FORRESTER: is currently riding on the sidehack part of her rugged '60s Harley Davidson motorcycle.
PEARL FORRESTER is the one driving.
EVIL JOEL is on the KTMA souped-up Satellite of Love, which has been turned into the old-school Satellite of Hate by this time.
GYPSY is also up there with him, and I'm not sure if she's the good one or the evil one yet. But so far, she's done nothing to hurt or stop him in any way. We'll see.
DR. LAURENCE ERHARDT, commonly referred to as Larry, is in Deep 13 operating my Matter Transference Device invention. He uses it to teleport me and other things to whatever location I please.
BOBO AND OBSERVER, being my mom's sidekicks, and since my mom is with me in the race, are ALSO on my side. Although I don't care much for Bobo, Observer's brain powers are quite useful. They are playing cards next door in Deep 12 when they're not being used.
Get it? Got it? Good.
Yeah, I'm cheating all over the place and using every character I possibly can. And ya know what? IT'S FUN! ;)
Oh, by the way, LadyKenobi...? I sure hope Joel was wearing ordinary clothes and not his typical costume, today. Why? Because a jumpsuit is ALL ONE PIECE, so if he took off his shirt, he'd have to take off his pants too and he's now standing there in his t-shirt that he always wears under the jumpsuit, and his
underwear! GAH!
GEEZ, Joel, have a little dignity! Put some CLOTHES back on! For pete's sake!
Well, I'm sorta behind by now, so I'll just go around ZAPPING everybody with my evil twinkle-eye power. At random. That oughta keep people busy for a while...
--Clay--
* * *
On his Rocket Horse....
Date: 3/23/2000
From: ManMan
Yipee kiyay! MammerJammer!!!
ManMan
PostGod
* * *
Puma Man and Cavey Swoop down
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Cavewoman
and moon everyone underneath.
Heh, look at all those losers, Pooma Man!
Hey, watch where you're flying Poomey! Look out for that tree you moron!
AHHHHH!!!!
* * *
Bites Caver on her butt...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: ManMan
Was it me, or my horse?
ManMan
PostGod
* * *
Have a martini Cavey!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
No hard feelings I hope- ya know- about nearly killing Pumaman and almost setting you on fire and stuff.
* * *
While ManMan is busy.....
Date: 3/23/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
I'll start puncturing his horsey with needles!!!!!!
* * *
Needles won't do much against...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: ManMan
My armor plated, rocket powered, monkey lovin' horse!! He a horse from the FUTURE!
ManMan
PostGod
* * *
Date: 3/23/2000 RimseysDeadlyBeeCar Then you can't have a martini!
* * *
Date: 3/23/2000 ManMan I have a martini from the FUTURE!
* * *
Date: 3/23/2000 RimseysDeadlyBeeCar Can't be as good as mine!
* * *
But it's futuristic and stuff!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: ManMan
C'mon Rimmeriffic! It's good.
ManMan
PostGod
* * *
Ack, the glare from PumaMan's butt!!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Schmoe_of_Space
It's blinding! I'm gonna crash!
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
One in a million I tell you, one in a million. Crap, I've crashed and now I'm stuck in Lita's spider's butt.
Poopie.
*this reply brought to you by The Butt Council.
fw!!
* * *
Well, I can try to make use of this...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: soth
*throws chunks of now dead Gamera into his waxer as fuel to give it added power*
*races off*
Hey...what the...?
*Gamera song starts playing*
I'll be! The chunks of Gamera also give off the annoying Gamera song! Listen and suffer, V_v! I'll even sing along!
*sings*
Gamera is really neat!
He is filled with turtle meat!
We've been eating Gamera!
Soth
* * *
(heaves a robot head at VV)
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Nydia
This robot will self destruct if 8 seconds!
* * *
Rimsey flashes her spectaculer ass
Date: 3/23/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
for Schmoe. She leaves manosgirl and Tina the Lavable Town Stripper with the martinis and takes off. (Thanks for stopping by!)
Rimsey speeds away and into the lead where you can all get a better view of her ass!!!!
* * *
Here comes MSTzilla in Megaweapon...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: MSTzilla
...crushing anyone who's silly enough to stand in his way!
MSTzilla
- CRUNCH...CRUNCH...CRUNCH...CRUNCH...CRUNCH...Hey, this is fun. Look out Carmelita, this thing was made for squishin' bugs! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAA!
* * *
Did I just see ass?
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Glod
This pleases me. Yes, Glod is pleased.
Glod
* * *
Oh man! I was distracted by Rimmers butt
Date: 3/23/2000
From: MSTzilla
...and just slammed into a tree. There goes the last spotted owl. Just have to back it up here. Ok, I'm rolling again. Watch out for my flame thrower!!!
* * *
Ack! Schmoe! What are you doing here?
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Yeah, turns out that there's a passage from Spidey's butt straight to my back seat. A design flaw, admitedly, but that's how it goes. Anyway, I doubt Angel's going to be too thrilled with you hanging out in some other woman's back seat, sooo...I'll give you your ship back, and maybe give you a lift for a mile or two if you head up top and paint over all the rude phrases that Clay burned into Spidey's back. Ok?
(Schmoe climbs out onto Spidey's back with a bucket of paint. Lita steps out and walks around the back to try and figure out how to extract Schmoe's ship from Spidey's hinder)
Neither of us can go anywhere like this...
Lita
* * *
Bessie the dino is out of control!!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: PearlProtege
She running around in circles trying to catch her tail. The vibrations are making waves in the martini glasses and she is stepping on the other drivers!
* * *
I'd be glad to help out, Lita!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Schmoe_of_Space
(starts painting a mural of Joel and Mike wrestling on Spidey's back)
I call in Battle of the Titans. How do you like it, Lita?
fw!!
* * *
o/~ Carmelita, Carmelita men have named
Date: 3/23/2000
From: MalcolmFrink
you o/~
Hey baby! I'm an electrician so I must be sexy! I'm just you're average horny little Devilfish! Let me give you a little help. I think I have the right tool for the job....
* * *
Why, thank you! It's lovely!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Now if we could just get your ship out of Spidey's behind.
Oh wait, I still have this thing I stole from Father Mushroom.
(Lita shakes the parsley sprig and turns the ship into a baked ham.)
There. Now just do a good deed, and your ship will be fixed good as new!
(Lita jumps back into her Giant Spider and speeds away)
Gotta make up for lost time here!
Lita
* * *
I thought I said SLEEEEEEEEEP!!! 3/23/2000 Glaistig
* * *
Did I miss the martinis?
Date: 3/23/2000
From: MSTzilla
Can I get a T&T if they're all gone?
MSTzilla
* * *
Hey, watch it Mal.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Just because I'm a stripper doesn't mean I'm easy.
On second thought, wanna hang out in the back seat of my car?
Lita
* * *
Does anyone need a good deed done?
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Schmoe_of_Space
Anyone? Please. Before I get hungry and decide to have my car for dinner.
fw!!
* * *
hands MSTzilla the rest of the martinis,
Date: 3/23/2000
From: manosgirl
I had to wait long enough for the alcohol to leave my bloodstream, heaven knows we don't need any drinking and driving to confuse things around here. Well, Tina's drinking, I'm driving. Now off to catch the leaders! Vrooomm VROooom VROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!
* * *
MSTzilla downs the martinis without...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: MSTzilla
...missing a beat. Thanks!! Don't worry, I put Megaweapon on cruise control. Hey, I figure I can handle it. By the chart I can have about a kajillion drinks before being impaired. Of course, you have to convert the weight table to metric tons and go from there!
MSTzilla
-the swerving isn't from the drinks, I'm just trying to thin out the competition! Owww, who did I just run over?
* * *
This is just TOO MUCH...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
Okay, first of all, whoopsie, I forgot Bobo is the race's announcer. So he's NOT in Deep 13 playing cards with Observer. Silly me.
Secondly, Lita, I want you to know that I WAS gonna help you out for a change, but you already did it yourself. Oh, well.
Suddenly, Captain Joe the drunk shows up in his spaceship and starts veering it madly all over the place! He crashes into all the other ships and planes and anything else that's even remotely in the air! BloodFairy on her jetpack! Cavewoman with Pumaman! Gypsymoon's ship! Zigra! And yes, even my SOL! HEY, watch it, buddy, you're supposed to be on MY side!
Evil Joel is PISSED. He tries to kill Captain Joe with a forklift.
Captain Joe evades the forklift and continues to go on his drunken crashing spree! WHOO!! Oh, no, look out, he's heading for the ground! AAAAA!!
Evil Joel shrugs and makes himself some more waffles. Then he puts a GOOD movie on the Satellite of Hate's movie theater screen and starts riffing it to shreds. Because he's evil. EVIL!! ;)
MEANWHILE...down on Earth, T.V.'s Frank is sneaking up behind the poor, unsuspecting Rimmer with the weapon from LASERBLAST attached to his arm! BWAHAHAA! Watch out, Rimsey! Frank 3:16 says he just lasered your (bare) ass! ;)
--Clay--
* * *
You defaced Rimmer's ass?
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
That thing's a work of art in itself! She's gonna be pissed, Clay, and she has deadly bees!
Oh well.
Mush Spidey! Mush!
(Lita closes in on the lead)
* * *
Get yer Hats! Hats here!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: dingleberrysncreme
Get yer favorite racers' ass emblazoned on this 100% cotton-free headcap. No C.O.D's please.
* * *
STUPID QUESTIONS TIME!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
1. How the hell can we TELL who's in the front, anyway? IS there any way to keep score in this race? Me, I think I'm ahead of some people but behind others, doing fairly well but not in the lead; with a slight CHANCE of GETTING into the lead if I really try. However, that's not a fact, that's an OPINION, and there's no way of backing it up!
What I want to say is...you do realise that absolutely none of us has any idea whatsoever where we are in relation to anybody else. :P
Hey, Captain Joe, pass me some of that stuff you're drinkin'...Or else I'll (singing dramatically) TRY, TO KILL YOU WITH A FORKLIFT...thank you! Enjoy the buffet!
What buffet? Why, the one Dingle is making at his concession stand! (You ARE making a buffet at the concession stand, aren't you, Dingle?)
Well, let's see. Frank is now nuts and is shooting anybody and everybody he sees with his arm-laser. Of course, I'm currently staring at the half-naked Good Joel at the stands so he doesn't see me 'cos I'm not moving. Joel is looking back at me all confused, wondering just who the heck this weird girl is.
ZAP! Oh, no, I accidentally knocked him out with my eye-powers! Sorry about that, LadyKenobi! He'll be all right in a while if you leave him alone...
Since Joel is now on the ground where I can't see him, it frees me from the spell and I go ZOOMING off again!
Dr. Clayton Forrester gently releases the brakes and politely asks the world to EAT HER DUST! ;)
--Clay--
"This is the song, written for the races,
The smoke is wafting up from the track,
They TRIED, TO KILL ME WITH A SPIDER--huzzah!"
* * *
I Forgot My Other Question! D'OH!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
My other question was: Call me stupid, but WHICH episode is Carmelita's Giant Spider from? I know of at least two episodes from MST3K with huge spiders in them but I've seen NEITHER of them. :( (I WANT to see "Earth Vs. the Spider", especially, since it's the one where Dr. Erhardt supposedly bites the dust. I wanna see just how much does the guy who gets eaten resemble him, REALLY.) Anyway. I have not seen either of those episodes and I was not aware that any of the spiders were supposed to be machines! I thought they were alive! Carmelita, is that IN the episode or did you just make it up for fun? And which episode is it? It's just that I've been confused about that throughout the entire race and I'd like to have some point of reference.
Thanks.
And by the way, _I_ didn't shoot Rimmer's ass! That was FRANK! Frank has been seperated from me for quite a while and I didn't even know where he was, so I couldn't have given him that order. Also, I think he's a little NUTS from being thrown down a ditch and bonking his head on a tree and gods know what else. So blame him, not me. :P
* * *
--Clay--
MY ASS!!!!! Clay, how dare you!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
My ass is an establishment around here! It's a national monument. People worship my ass.
I'm sending out my meanest nastiest bees after you. They're gonna sting your lip and make you look funny- then they're gonna mess you up real bad!!!!
* * *
Answering Clay counts as a good deed!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Schmoe_of_Space
Relax, Clayton. How do you tell who's ahead? That's up to you. Say you're in the lead and viola, you're in the lead.
And here's how you win, the person with the last reply with a March 24 date is automatically declared the winner. We, Schmoe and wurwolf will make a reply crowning that replier as the winner.
Hurray! My car's not a ham anymore! Turbines to speed! Vrooooooooom, vrooooooooom!
fw!!
* * *
Cavey and Puma race ahead of Sidehacker
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Cavewoman
(tsk, tsk) you should do less talking and pay more attention to the road, heh, heh. The chat room was back that away!
Cavey and Puma Man go into warp speed!!!
* * *
Giant Spider Invasion, Clayton...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Schmoe_of_Space
Hands down one of the funniest of the Sci Fi Era. If Rhino ever puts out SciFi era eps, I'm willing to bet money that Giant Spider Invasion will be part of the first batch. I said batch. *snick*
Eat my dust!
fw!!
* * *
Hurray, I'm away from the electrician!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath
Thank you, Schmoe!
(pops a cassette in and roars ahead of the crowd, singly loudly and off-key)
Shine shine, shine your love!
Shine shine, shine your love!
(stops suddenly, smashing into Soth's floor waxer, because he is mesmerized by Rimmer's fine ass)
HEY! Get your ass out of the road, lady!
eat my dust Schmoe and Angel
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Cavewoman
Mahaaaaaa!!!!!
Vroom vroom!!!
* * *
Let me explain my Spider.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
It is from an ep you haven't seen. The Giant Spider Invasion. The movie takes place in Wisconsin after a meteor (or something. I forget) crashes into this little crap-hole town and dumps little baby Giant Spiders all over the place. Eventually one of them grows up, and devours Alan Hale... apparently by stuffing him up his butt.
The reason I refer to my Spider as a car is because in the long shots of the Giant Spider running around town, it was obviously a car with some big 'ol legs glued to it. So you see? No? Just go with it.
Anyway, this movie has one of the all time great lines:
"You been hittin' the BOOZE again, Ev?"
Oh, and you did shoot Rimmer, I saw you. :P
(Lita tears off in her Spider, and finally passes whoever that was in front of her to take the lead. Spidey steps on TV's Frank as he passes, wounding his shootin' arm)
Lita
* * *
Heads the wrong way... 3/23/2000 ManMan
* * *
Ewwwwwwww, Cavey, that's not dust!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Schmoe_of_Space
What have you been feeding PumaMan?
fw!!
* * *
Puma Man grabs Man Man
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Cavewoman
and plops him about 20 feet ahead of everyone.
* * *
(beep, beep!) Hey, Lita!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath
(pulls alongside Lita_n_Spidey)
Guess who we have in common? Alan Hale, Jr. My Alan Hale, Jr. would like to meet your Alan Hale, Jr. Send him to dingle's snack stand and they can chow down there!
(pulls away, leaving Lita_n_Spidey to choke on her dust!)
* * *
In the peanut gallery....
Date: 3/23/2000
From: LadyKenobi
....Joel sheepishly returns to a shirted state. "Who was the psycho on the motorcycle?" he wants to know.
Servo delcares himself in the lead.
Crow points out that he's not even in the race.
Servo whines to Mike that Crow is saBOTaging his chances in the race.
Mike hits Servo for punning, and Servo's head falls off.
Crow looks around for a further supply of alcohol.
Mike writes and performs a song about Servo's head falling off.
Joel adds a sleepy-eyed state to his shirted state.
Crow continues to look around for alcohol.
Servo is jealous that he doesn't have an ass to display.
Lady Kenobi offers to display her ass on his behalf.
Now EVERYONE is looking around for alcohol.
"....and if we're out, I buy another roll!"
* * *
Thanks!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: ManMan
Sorry about bitting your butt earlier, Caves. Oh wait, it was my horse. Puma, stop flying like a moron.
ManMan
PostGod
* * *
Sorry about that guys!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Cavewoman
looks like I need to go change Pooma Man's diaper! Next stop, Circle K!
* * *
ManMan? How did you get over here?
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
(Lita looks up just in time for Pumaman to clumsily bounce off her windsheild and roll over Spidey's back)
Ack! What was that???? I hope it didn't smear my mural!
Lita
* * *
AAAA!! I HATE BEES!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
Giant Spider Invasion, huh? Thanks. For some reason I was thinking the other spider one was an EARLY Mike episode, say, around Seasons 5 or 6...
Huh. Anyway, seeing the cloud of deadly bees coming towards me, I pull off a double-twisting Nanny-Nanny-Boo-Boo with a reverse Pentoozler to Rimmer's epidermis and tell the bees to EAT MY DUST!
(Do you realise, that's like the first actual sidehacking move I've pulled during THIS ENTIRE RACE?! Hee...)
HA! I'm in the lead! For like the first time since EVER!
Now, are you saying this race ends at midnight Eastern Time TONIGHT, or TOMORROW night? Because one of them is less than half an hour away...
Captain Joe crashes into random racers behind me to keep them off my tail! WHAM! There goes VegetaVampire's wheelchair, into a ditch! BOOM! There goes the Angel's Van of Death! INTO the ditch! (It's a big ditch.) WHOO-HOO! Of course, now Captain Joe's ship is all beat up, too, but he doesn't care! He's scraping its wreckage at random along the ground! That's how drunk he is!
Mitchell pulls his blue ford over and stops to chat with Captain Joe. He wants some of whatever he's drinking. This causes whoever is in the car racing with him (I forget--they've switched around so much!) to fall behind.
Meanwhile, Gaos is STILL shooting up the place with his lasers and his gas. He releases some yellow smoke onto the track behind me! HAH! Try and see the road NOW, suckers! BWAHAHA!
Evil Joel is still riffing his good movie so he's no help to me at the moment, but hey, who cares! WHEEE!!
--Clay--
* * *
Rimsey takes her hands off the wheel...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
to applaud Lady Kenobi and her ass. Good show! Good show!!!
* * *
I need some hats.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Samurai88
(lands the Zigra monster/ship.) Dingle, my good man, I need a Rimmer's Ass hat, a Clay as "hot chick" Ass hat, and a Samurai88's Ass hat. What do you mean my ass wouldn't fit on a hat?
No, I don't want two hats with one cheek on each hat. No, I don't want a 10 gallon Samurai88's Ass hat either. Are you saying I've got a big ass? Fine, just give me an extra Schmoe of Space hat for AngelsVanODeath.
(back in the race)
"KCTT"
Samurai88
Wide Ass Evil Zigra Driver
* * *
I didn't feel a thing, Manny!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Cavewoman
guess I better go read those other replies!
Vroom, vroom!!! Oops, sorry, Pooma has gas!
* * *
MSTzilla catches Sidehacker under...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: MSTzilla
...Megaweapon's wheels just as he was doing a frunky frunky frunky! Ha! I just watched that one about two hours ago!
MSTzilla sees above the smoke, and everything else. Look out, I'm up to 12th gear now and really cruising. Only 56 more gears to go.
MSTzilla
* * *
Hi Alan Hale Jr. 2! How are you?
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
What? You say the Angels Van has passed me? Dammit! Kill, Spidey! Kill!
(Spidey eat's Alan Hale... again... causing him to immediately appear in Lita's back seat. She immediately throws him out the back door and he rolls along the pavement right into Rimmer's ass, knocking her over, and he probably cops a feel on the way)
I better hurry up!
Lita
* * *
(Unleashing Eugene!!!!!!!!)
Date: 3/23/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
I've been keeping Eugene (Shirley's new boyfriend) the Spinning Hamster. He's winding up like a little dervish on speed!!!!
(Eugene grabs a hold of Clay by the ankles and spins her around really fast then lets go!)
Bye Clay!!! Don't forget to write!
* * *
And the crowd goes riffing.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: LadyKenobi
Lady Kenobi flashes Rimsey as a thank-you for the applause concerning her ass.
Servo faints.
Crow: REALLY drunk now.
Mike quickly excuses himself to the bathroom.
Joel yells "OH, YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FAST, DONT'CHA!" at each passing vehicle.
Lady Kenobi tries to revive Servo, who sees cleavage and faints again.
Mike returns, throws his hands in the air, and says, "Oh, this is just BEYOND a song now."
* * *
Ah, Sweet, Sweet BOOZE!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
Captain Joe's spaceship, or what's left of it, finally scrapes to a halt next to the bleachers. He weaves out to watch the races with LadyKenobi, Mike, good Joel, and the 'bots, and shares his stash of booze with them! WHOO! They are estatic, although they have a bit of a hard time getting used to sake, at first. (He's JAPANESE, after all.) Mitchell stops by with a six-pack of Miller
Light and they all get down and fun-KAY! WHOO!
There, LadyKenobi, don't say I never did anything nice for anybody. ;)
Meanwhile, Clayton and Pearl Forrester, on their motorcycle, see a VERY enraged Vegeta Vampire sneaking up behind them, and he's being carried by GAMERA!! AAAH!! NO!! Gaos, quick! Help! Cut off his arm (Gamera's) with your lasers again!
--Clay--
* * *
Steve the Horse bites Lita on her...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: ManMan
butt. Man, I have one butt-biting horse.
ManMan
* * *
And underneath those wideass hats
Date: 3/23/2000
From: dingleberrysncreme
are what once use to be "such a pretty mind!" Now those pretty minded and with great wide asses must seek the finish line. Go wideass, Go!
* * *
Tina the lovable town bimbo grabs
Date: 3/23/2000
From: manosgirl
the wheel and the two-seater swerves just in time to avoid a bouncing Alan Hale Jr. "We're gaining on them now!!" Woohoo! Vrooom VRRROOOOM!!!
* * *
(Lita is closing in on the Angels Van)
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
(She starts to throw what appear to be coconuts at it. As each one hits the van, it breaks open and a big spider climbs out. A swarm of spiders quickly cover the van, and Lita zooms ahead in her spider)
See ya, sucker!
Lita
* * *
Mr. Peepers gives Manny's horse
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Mister_Peepers
a soft pretzel dipped in honey mustard. What a cute horsey!
I now have armed my ass with clowns!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
If anyone comes near it they will go John Wayne Gacy on you!!!!!
* * *
(Lita considers telling Spidey to
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
eat ManMan and his horse, but decides she doesn't need a horse in her back seat. Instead Spidey plucks ManMan out of his sadle, and sucks him into his behind.)
Why hello, ManMan, fancy meeting you back here!
Lita
* * *
The hell?
Date: 3/23/2000
From: ManMan
One second, I'm on Steve the Horse. The next, I'm in some spider's butt with some lady. Anyone else having a day like this?
ManMan
* * *
Lita or Angel? Lita or Angel?????
Date: 3/23/2000
From: MalcolmFrink
Come on ladies. No need to fight over me. I have enough love for you both. After all, I'm an electrician!
* * *
I'm Not Quite Dead Yet!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
Remember, I have a Matter Transference Device! So, although my body may be crushed into paste underneath MSTzilla's wheels, I can still be brought back! There's a record of my DNA, Pearl's, and the bike's structure in the Transference Device's pattern buffers, so Dr. Erhardt just uses that blueprint to make a WHOLE NEW ME and we go ZOOMING off into the sunset again! HUZZAH!
And by the way, I don't think you can do sidehacking moves if you're not even on a motorcycle...
ZONK! Clayton does the "twinkle-eye" thing on MSTzilla.
ZONK! She does it again on Rimmer.
HA! You're both unconscious! Try ta catch me NOW, huh? BWAHAHAHA!!
Last one to the finish line is a rotten waffle!
--Clay--
* * *
Shut up ManMan, I'm on my way!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Carmelita9000
(Lita ignores ManMan whining in her back seat and steps on the gas. It's getting too close to the end to pay attention to him now.)
lita
* * *
Lita, it ends tomorrow.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: ManMan
That's okay, I was thinking it ended tonight as well. Ha! Don't our faces look red. Or something like that.
ManMan
* * *
And down the stretch they come!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: LadyKenobi
Lady Kenobi is horrified by the introduction of clowns into the race, and blanches with horror.
Crow decides to try EXTREEEEEEME needlepoint, then realizes his arms don't work. Disgusted, he resumes his quest for alcohol. Finding the six-pack Sidehacker left behind, he claims it in the name of Spain and refuses to share.
Servo realizes that no one sang the National Anthem at the top of the race and figures that two days in is better than nothing.
Joel has been browsing through e-Bay and notices a certain "Salebration" is taking place. "Haaaayyyy...."
Mike digs into a bowl of rice, and doesn't want to hear it.
LadyKenobi takes refuge behind Servo from the clowns, who, having finished the fourth verse of "The Star Spangled Banner," launches into "O Canada."
"My my my my APARTMENT...."
* * *
You be good and I'll give you a cookie.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Just behave yourself, Manny. You aren't tricking me! I'm going insane with competitiveness! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hey wait, what's Malcom doing over there? Oh sick! He's taking his pants off!
(Lita is temporarily blinded)
lita
* * *
Yeah, ManMan, I Know...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
...how you feel. Today, I've been teleported all over the place, turned into an evil alien psycho Hot Chick, thrown into a ditch, lost in the woods, eaten repeatedly by a giant spider, crushed under someone's huge tires, stung by deadly bees, shot at with lasers and TURNED INTO A SQUIRREL!
So, how's things by you?
What's that, Larry? You say the finish line is right ahead? WHOO! EAT MY DUST, WORLD! YEEE-HA!
--Clay--
* * *
Shirley takes the wheel for Rimsey...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
who lies passed out in the back seat (she's used to this after too many martinis. It's no big deal) Shirley speeds ahead and tries to run Malcolm Frink off the road.
[I remember your handle!!!! Your handle is that guy from SSSS right?]
* * *
Move Spidey! MOVE MOVE MOVE!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Carmelita9000
(Spidey knocks Malcom to the side in his haste)
Lita
* * *
ZZZZzzzzzzz! 3/23/2000 MSTzilla
* * *
AAHHHH! SPIDERS!!! GET 'EM OFF ME!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath
(searches for the button on the dashboard that releases the noxious insecticide, which kills most of the wildlife in the area, but wildlife be damned -- I've gotta win this race! Finds the button and pushes it, and all the spiders die and fall off)
WHOOHOO! I'm back in business!
(turns on her windshield wipers and revs her engines)
Hey, thanks for the Schmoe_of_Space hat, Samurai, but you really didn't have to waste a post to give it to me! HAHAHAHAHA! Too funny, you!
(tires squeal as AngelsVanODeath leaves the stragglers in her dust!)
* * *
Steve the Horse! To me!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: ManMan
Ariel, Ukla! Ride!!!!
* * *
So where is the finish line?
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Cause if you're lying to me back there, ManMan, so help me Glod...I'll shove you so far up Spidey's hinder that...
Oh wait...
Lita
* * *
That sucks on toast!!!!! 3/24/2000 RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
* * *
FIRING COCONUTS AT ALL THE RACERS!!!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: el_bootblacker
the professor finally dried himself off after wetting himself when he saw pearl P's dino, but we are really far behind so we are playing spoilers. we take all the coconuts we had to power our mst movie car and fire them at the racers and onto the track!!!! LOOK OUT CAUSE HERE THEY COME!!!
you see your puny racers are no match for my coconut gun HAAAAA, HAAAAAAA, HAAAAAA!!!!!
firing coconuts at all of you (in a friendly kind of way of course!) COME GET SOME!!!!
el_b
* * *
HEY EVERYONE! The race ends tomorrow!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: wurwolf
We thought that more people would be able to stay up late on a Friday night, so we decided to make this a two-day event. Hope you all don't mind!
wurwolf
Bonhead #3
fs!!
* * *
so what's the story?
Date: 3/24/2000
From: manosgirl
does it end tonight or tomorrow? If it doesn't EAT SODIUM YOU LOSERS!!!
* * *
(YAWN!) Has the race started yet?
Date: 3/24/2000
From: tsunami7
Oh wow man...
As I was getting all ready for the race, some weird mamma jamma of a princess or something or other, gave this cup of wine to drink, see. Then I got all sleepy like and kinda passed out.
Miss anything?
HAI! HAI! (Whack!)
Thundering hoofbeats and a mighty Hi-Keeba signals the entrance of one tsunami7!
Where the hell did he come from?
Late!
Whoosh!
tsunami7
Singing high and loud since 1986.
* * *
Wakes up to find himself behind.
Date: 3/24/2000
From: MSTzilla
MSTzilla throws Megaweapon into ludicrious speed and takes off! (Bump...bump...bump) What the hell? Who put speed bumps in the road? Oh wait, that was Alan Hale Jr, some coconut things, squished spiders, horsey hockey pucks, Captain Joe and a long streak of clown white. What have you guys been up to in the front?
MSTzilla
* * *
Night, Everyone!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Sidehacker
Whoops! I forgot. Yes, it really does end TOMORROW, I went and checked. So, I'm gonna go do somethin' else for a while now. I'll probably come back and find like 200 more replies, half of them saying that I've been killed in some horrible way, and NEVER be able to un-write the damage no matter how hard I try, but, hey, my fingers are getting tired and I'm getting bored. Gonna go play me some Chrono Trigger. Whoo.
Oh, and before I go...
ZWING!
Clayton Forrester scans the crowd behind her while doing her eye-power thingie and knocks several of them unconscious at random! WHOO!
Then she tells Dr. Erhardt to beam in the OTHER Giant Spider, the one from Earth Vs. the Spider (although Larry turns as white as a ghost at this order, he does it) and it starts trying to EAT LITA'S SPIDEY! HA!!
And she also teleports in Barugon and Guiron for good measure. Hey, all the other Gamera monsters are here. Wouldn't want them to feel left out.
And also Sinbad on his ship with his Greeb of Giddiness--I mean, Bluebird of Happiness. She starts singing and everyone starts falling asleep. Except me, I got ear-plugs.
There, that oughta be enough chaos for a while. I'll be back in a couple hours when Evil Joel finishes his movie and will be available to help me out again.
--FWOOSH!--
--Clay--
* * *
Then all is not lost!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
(a ray of light shines down on Lita and her Spider. Unfortunatly it
shines so brightly off of Spidey's front fender that it causes both
Spider and Driver to be totally disoriented. They crash into
LadyKenobi's picnic)
Oh, hi everyone. Did you see the mural that Schmoe painted on my Spider's back? It's of Joel and Mike fighting! Spidey! Stop chewing on Tom! Bad Spider! Drop it! Drop it!
Lita
* * *
Hey Lita!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: ManMan
Told you so! What does this button do?
(MM starts pressing random buttons)
Wait a minute. You. Me. Back seat? So, some?
ManMan
PostGod
* * *
(continuing to fly like a moron)
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Cavewoman
Ha Ha! Good thing I can sleep thru the race while Poomey carries me thru the night. Too bad some of you have to pull over and sleep. hee, hee
Poomey, don't touch me there.
* * *
DARN IT!!! (Mel sits down, still holding
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
the rope.) I guess rescuing Yam wasn't such a good idea.
Mushroom Man: Well, I wouldn't turn you into a bear.
You don't have your magic sprig. Maybe I should just go, with one of my poor little pigs and a penguin. Or wait!! I have an Idea!!!!
(Mel sits in her sled and Mushroom Man sits beside her. With a mighty "hya" she gets her one pig and her penguin that was Archie and slides down into the mouth of the cavern. Mushroom Man is screaming all the way down.)
MM: NOOOOOO!! What are you doing?????
Relax Man. I tied the other rod to spidey's web. Whahooo!! shure is dark in heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrerereeeeeereeee!!!
(The PigMobile plummets down into the mighty depths of the chasm.)
Hahaha!!! I see The Screaming Lemur!!! hey Yam, grab a hold of this!!
(Mel casts the rod a final time, and Yam hangs on for dear life. She starts pulling the lemur and the sled up out of the chasm.)
Now to get in the race agian!!
* * *
You sicko!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
I never do that kind of thing with an audience!
(Lita and ManMan look over at Servo who has made his way into the back seat)
But here's that cookie, since you were so nice. And don't press that button. It upsets Spidey's tummy. He might throw up.
Lita
(Looks at servo
Date: 3/24/2000
From: ManMan
Hey! Beet cheeks. You're blocking me!
ManMan
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