Knuckles' Chaotix--Sonic the Hedgehog Series Comic Adaptation
A Rant--Erm...Uh...I mean, REVIEW--by Chaos Theory T. Echidna, ©September 30, 1999.
Now before I start, I feel the need to paraphrase Dan Drazen: Get yourself a fire extinguisher and have it ready; I'm gonna do a LOT of flaming here.
What was wrong, exactly, with this adaptation? EVERYTHING, that's what! First of all, it suffered from the fact that Knuckles did not yet have his own comic at this point, so it was in the Sonic series instead--and as such, had the Freedom Fighters as well. Now, much as I DID enjoy spotting Amy Rose in the crowd (up until now, I've only HEARD that she was supposedly in the comics, rather than seen it for myself) at HappyLand Amusement Park, that was about the ONLY good thing about the FF's being there. As they say, too many cooks spoil the broth, and when you've got ALL the core FF's AND Knuckles AND all the Chaotix--(who were written and drawn SO FREAKING WRONG, but I'll save that for later)--in the same story, you've got a big MESS. Total Chaos, pardon the pun.
That's only the first thing wrong with it. There are too many to count. For another thing, it didn't even VAGUELY follow the plotline of the game itself. And if you ask me, fans reading this comic book may be part of the REASON why the game failed financially! (Well, that and the fact that the 32-X was expensive, inconvenient, and complicated, but hey...) The ONLY things it has in common with the game itself is that (a) it takes place in an amusement park of some kind on the Floating Island, (b) it contains MechaSonic, who grows to become the giant red HyperMechaSonic by the end, and (c) Knuckles and all the Chaotix--including Heavy and Bomb, whom I don't really quite count as part of the team myself--are all there.
Doing something.
Of some kind.
And saying stuff.
THAT'S _IT_, THAT'S THE ONLY RESEMBLANCE!! The one and only review of this I could find didn't tell very much about it, so I thought that basically, besides the fact that the amusement park was called "Happyland" instead of "Carnival Island"--a piece of literary liscence I COULD live with--it was more or less the same, storywise. Well, it's NOT! Despite the fact that the game had a SIMPLER storyline, it was much better, put together well, and made sense. There were no Freedom Fighters trapped behind a hall of mirrors or a cowering rat carnival barker. (Although Renfield was much improved by his appearance in Knuckles #13-15.) All it was, was Knuckles and his OLD FRIENDS--not people he just barely that second met!--fighting off Robotnik's robots in a HIGH-TECH--not an ordinary-looking one!--carnival until eventually, at the end, when all five major attraction areas had been made safe, Robotnik in desperation fed the Chaos Rings to MechaSonic, turning him into a slavering three-story tall spiky red fiend. Knuckles and his friends then had to defeat him by themselves, going up against his huge snarling jaws and curved metal talons as THEIR OWN SIZE, not by suddenly turning into a freaking giant! Well, maybe you CAN do that if you get all the Rings, I wouldn't know, I only got 3 of them myself so far. (But I'm working on it.) But still, it was CORNY AS HELL! And WRONG! Now, even though I'm a SegaSonic chick, I KNOW that the storylines of the games usually aren't that great--primitive, short, simple, and very often contradictory. But in this case, the game had a BETTER storyline than a 48-PAGE comic!
Now THAT'S pathetic!
But thank the gods, the REAL thing is better. The game is pretty, fun, clever, and the characters are likeable. And even the comics got better, thank GOD. Ken Penders seems to have been out to lunch when he wrote this, 'cos he's usually a decent writer. Either that, or the fault is partially that this takes place in the Sonic comics, which were, originally, intended for a younger audience, whereas the Knuckles ones have always struck me as more mature. MAYBE if I had read this when I was about, say, 10, (or younger) Charmy's obnoxious punning and Vector's rhyming would have made me fall over laughing. As it is, however...But like I said, things DID get better. The finely honed, well-written, and thorougly likeable team of the Chaotix Caper DID eventually exist. But you'd NEVER have guessed they had ANY potential at all from reading THIS flaming pile of garbage. If I had read this one when it first came out, I would'a thought a Knuckles solo comic was a HORRIBLE idea and it would never, ever sell. Thank the Great Maker it improved! It certainly couldn't get any lower, that's for sure.
And now that I'm done trashing the issue in general, now for my review of the first (and longest) story in it:
"The Chaos Effect".
We start off with a picture of the Floating Island hanging in the air while the narrator goes on about how it's so strategic and mysterious and beautiful. The signs on the island in the panel "They like their privacy" made me laugh at first, but as I went further into the comic and realised that ALL the humour was that stupid and juvenille, I kinda didn't feel like laughing anymore. (The signs say: "Keep Off the Grass." "No Dogs Allowed" "Batteries NOT Included." Okay, so that means they're predjudiced about Mobian dogs, and that if I visit, say, Angel Island I'll get my butt tossed off the edge, but if I go to Sandopolis--which is on a coast, mind you, so it's easier to get to than the interior--or the Lava Reef Zone, or IceCap, or Launch Base, or Red Mountain, or THE HIDDEN PALACE--in short, any place that doesn't have grass--they'll leave me alone. Yeah, RIGHT, that makes sense...) Anyway, turn the page and we find out that the Freedom Fighters have not come there to think about war, but to PAR-TAY! (and it's really spelled like that.) Now, okay, I'll give them SOME credit for this two-page spread. After all, it is large, colourful, chaotic, full of people of all different species, and really captures the feel of a full, living, happy carnival in full swing. BUT that's about the only thing good about it. The artwork is--as it is in this entire issue--HORRIBLE! The Freedom Fighters look okay--simple, but okay (I think Amy and Bunnie are the best ones) but everybody else is so dorky looking. And what's with the weird variations and mixes of species? There's one character who looks like a DOG (I thought the Island didn't allow those, snark) mixed with an ALLIGATOR! (Or Crocodile. Hard to tell and I can't honestly say I care.) We have both Sonic and Amy in the same picture, showing us what Mobian hedgehogs are SUPPOSED to look like--only a few large, triangle-shaped spines--but then the guy buying the ice cream looks like a NORMAL hedgehog! Well, cartoony of course, but he's BROWN with ROUND ears and many layers of small, furry spines! What gives? So do Mobian hedgehogs look like Sonic or NOT? I wouldn't take ANYthing this comic says as cannon, however. It's way past too messed up. My biggest fault with it is when Sonic refers to Knuckles, who comes gliding in with a nasty expression on his face, as a Freedom Fighter. Yeah, yeah, I know the comics have always called him that, but he ISN'T. He's the Guardian of the Floating Island! He lives elsewhere, he has other duties, and he doesn't hang with the crowd. The comic fans I'm sure are going to tell me I'm totally wrong, but in this case the comic fans can bite me. I'm a SegaSonic chick. And after reading this, I am MORE so than ever!
Okay, okay, let's move along the story here, the so-called Chaotix themselves haven't even shown up yet and I've already used up about, what, five pages by now? More? So anyway, on the next two pages, we find Knuckles objecting to being called a Freedom Fighter just as much as I did (whoo-hoo!) and then he tells Sonic and co that he DIDN'T invite them, as the FF's originally thought. Instead, they were invited by the deliciously slimy Renfield T. Rodent, who tells them HE invited them, then quotes from the Disney movie "Beauty and the Beast" and practically all but SHOVES them into the Hall of Mirrors. While everyone but Sonic and Knuckles is either gasping in horror at or admiring their warped reflections, Sonic says there's something wrong about this while Knuckles gets hit by The Ravening Sunbeam of Doom. Or is it the Starfire Wheel? Wait a minute, that's Babylon 5. Anyway, he is hit by an intensely bright light, and when he wakes up, he finds out that his dreadlocks are shorter--which evidently somehow affects his ability to glide, although I've said it before and I'll say it again--a gliding apparatus has to be SOLID, it can't be a lot of seperate things with holes of air in between them! It has to be SOLID so it can CATCH air, duh!--and his knuckles no longer have spikes. Truth to tell, he looks sorta cute this way, like a more normal, and somewhat younger, version of himself. Never mind that now, turns out that Robotnik has set all this up (of COURSE, and man, is he EVER badly drawn!) and the other characters are stuck inside another dimension...a dimension of sight and sound...I mean...they're INSIDE the mirrors themeselves, somehow, and like Knux they have lost their powers. Although frankly I don't know how much magical "power" it would take to swing a heavy metal object into a plate of glass and break it--couldn't Bunnie still free them? Whatever. Anyway, Robo-butt leaves Knuckles free so he will have someone to gloat too. God, the stupid villian clichés just keep coming, and coming...
We then start up "Part 2" which has Knux all alone on a hill looking down at the carnival and wondering what to do, when something goes ZIPPING by him and it's...
"A honeybee?" YAY!! CHARMY!! WHOO-HOO! YEAH!
Erm...not quite. He is not at ALL acting like the "surprisingly sophisticated" little cutie of the actual game. The first things out of his mouth are an obnoxious pun and a really big, loud, full-of-himself, rude attitude. "No, not a honeybee, a CHARMY Bee!" he smirks, and explains that he wasn't at the park 'cos he doesn't like crowds, then flies off in search of "things to do, people to see, pollen to gather..." Well, nice to know he's at least PARTIALLY like a normal bee. (They have him eating chili dogs instead later on.) I have to wonder at this point: did Ken ever even PLAY the game? Did he even read the character bios in the INSTRUCTION booklet?!! 'Cos the introductions and "personalities" of the Chaotix members are all TOTALLY wrong. And I use the word "personalities" loosely here. Very loosely. I get the feeling Ken just heard the group name, "Chaotix", and figured they were all a bunch of rude, loud-talking bullies. 'Cos that's what they act like here. Even Charmy isn't anywhere near as cute as he's supposed to be, despite his tiny size. And what's with the RED antennae?! (At least everyone looks good on the cover...in fact, the cover is partially what made me think this would be a GOOD read...yeah right!)
Anyway, then Espio phases out from the tree trunk he's been lying against, and makes ANOTHER horrible pun. "Well, I'll be...a chameleon!" exclaims Knuckles.
"No, HE Bee, you Echidna, I'M the Chameleon!" corrects Espio. GAG ME WITH A FORK...(it's more painful than a spoon...)
Then Charmy snips at him for eavesdropping on a private conversation, which I guess is their pathetic attempt at making him seem like the "sophisticated" bee of the game itself. I got news for ya, pals, the name "Charmy" doesn't just mean he goes around correcting other people's manners. Especially when his OWN manners leave something to be desired! Back to Espio--he eavesdrops a lot in this book, and I'm glad, 'cos I have him doing the same thing in my own stories--he's basically the Gossip King of the Floating Island. But that's the ONLY thing to reccommend this scene--as a "loud sound" powerful enough to shake the ground announces the coming of:
"YO! What's happenin', dude! I'm the Rep with the Rap for bein' rude! When it comes to a fight I'm no defector--don't NOBODY mess with a croc named VECTOR!"
GAG ME WITH A SPIKY FORK! THAT'S how he was introduced? BLECK! No WONDER the fans hate him so much! But he is not, repeat, he is NOT, like that in the game! If you play that without reading the comics, Vector is a perfectly likeable character, honest!
It gets worse as Espio grabs his headphones and Vector yells "Hey--gimme my phones, bones! Don't you dig my way cool tones?" and Espio then makes a crack about his "Crocodile Rock". Ya know, I USED to _like_ that song... Then the ground rumbles AGAIN, throwing everyone down in a heap (except Charmy, ha-ha, there are advantages to flying all the time) as...MIGHTY shows up! But how did he get there? Oh, by TUNNELING THROUGH AN ENTIRE MOUNTAIN FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER!! To show off his strength, that's all. Mighty is just as bad as the others in this issue if not worse--he's constantly ripping, throwing, and breaking things just to show off how strong he is, with NO redeeming PLOT reason for it at all. And THIS guy is one of the Helper-Guardians of the Floating Island? Not unless he starts showing some more respect for its environment, he ain't! I mean, really, damaging an entire mountain just to show off...!
Well, this person, who is obviously a stranger to the others, is called "One MIGHTY Armadillo!" by Vector and it turns out he's brought some friends--Heavy and Bomb, who once worked for Robotnik but are now on their side, supposedly. (Deadpan) Oh, joy. How great. Everyone is here. Now the party can begin.
The really sad thing is--Heavy and Bomb's roles and former lives are CORRECT, almost straight out of the instruction booklet. Which proves that Ken DID read it. So why the PHRACK did he ignore all the OTHER characters' info?
Moving along, the two Mechanix show the characters a stash of Power Gems that Robotnik left behind (like YEAH he'd do that...) and this convinces the guys to trust them and they team up.
Now, my biggest problem with the preceeding sequences is that it makes it seem as if the Chaotix met Knuckles, and each other, RIGHT THEN! And became friends--or allies, at least--instantly! The game itself says otherwise--in the instruction booklet, Mighty is an OLD friend of Knuckles and Espio and Charmy have been best friends for some time. But here they are, just running into each other out of the blue. I suppose that's easier to get into, but I always assumed, from the complexity that the Knux comics got in LATER issues, that they had a rich history with each other reaching back several years, and that the way every Chaotix member met the others and became part of the group would be a touching, revealing, and character-developing short story of its own. I was, in fact, looking FORWARD to reading such short stories in possible future Knuckles specials or some such! But now I guess it's up to fanfic writers like myself and others. One good thing that came of all this--now that I've read THIS piece of trash, I will never, ever, EVER feel embarrassed about my own Chaotix Chronicles series, no matter HOW silly they turn out. I feel like I could publish the roughest draft I have of them RIGHT NOW and feel PROUD of myself. _I_ at least have them actually meeting each other slowly, over time, and getting to know each other like people. And heck, the comics contradict THEMSELVES--'cos later on in Knux #14, we are shown Charmy meeting Mighty for the first time, just the two of them, at a stream, years earlier! Sigh...
Anyway, going back to the wretched bat-cave of scum and villiany, Robotnik and Renfield get all worked up over the fact that all the carnival rides suddenly started back up again. (I wasn't aware they had stopped--why would they? Seems to me that if Robotnik was mainly concerned with catching the Freedom Fighters, he'd just let the carnival keep going and not care about it.) And each ride has its own switch, which means not only is Knuckles behind this, but he must have gotten help. So he beams up MechaSonic for some reason and tells him to go kick the stuffing out of our "heroes".
They meet up in the carnival, as Charmy delivers a rather uneffective boot--uh, sneaker?--to Mecha's head, and Espio then taunts Mecha into fighting him instead, then goes invisible. (Problem--like what ISN'T a problem in this comic--Charmy IS able to beat the living snot out of robots in the game. He is, in fact, my player-character of choice--swift, darting, precision strikes. I've ALMOST killed HYPERMecha with him twice now, and this is with a Genesis that barely even works!) So Mecha goes to infrared in order to see him. Uh, HELLO--REPTILES AND INSECTS ARE _COLD_ _BLOODED!_ THEY _HAVE_ NO BODY HEAT FOR INFRARED TO DETECT! EARTH TO KEN PENDERS! EARTH TO KEN PENDERS! YOU SEEM TO HAVE LEFT YOUR BRAINS AT HOME!! Of course, this works anyway, and he turns around to see Knuckles and VECTOR (who HAS NO BODY HEAT okay, okay, I'll shut up about that now, I'm calm, really...) who are now using the ring-tether for no apparent reason other than to tie into the game. You're supposed to use the tether to do things like flip onto a high ledge, not just run around on level ground! Anyway, Mecha somehow grabs onto the tether between the rings even though it's supposed to be a collection of insubstantial, immaterial sparkles--and hauls Vector, the "unknown entity" towards him. Then in the next panel he's somehow got hold of Knux's ring, even though last I saw Knux still had it and Mecha was holding onto the TETHER itself, and then Vector makes quick use of this Plot Convenience Device to throw Mecha headlong into the side of a stand. Upon which, Mighty gives him a "tropical punch" (are they in the tropics? Is Mighty from the tropics? And do we CARE?) that sends him through TWO tents, to land right next to Bomb, who then goes off. Everyone is very calm about this except for Knuckles, who doesn't know that Bomb can pull himself back together (somehow...) And by the way--the stupid pun didn't even WORK--the name of the drink is HAWAIIAN punch, not Tropical Punch. But they're not in Hawaii, so, the pun shouldn't have even BEEN there!
Then Mecha grows into HyperMecha, who is BASICALLY drawn right, I guess, and out of the blue, Knuckles suddenly gains the ability to become huge as well when he touches a Power Gem. Even though nobody ever explained WHAT a Power Gem WAS, or if it's the same as a Chaos Emerald, or...Now, the game DOES have a means for you to grow larger--those monitor boxes with the Up arrows--but (a) they don't make you THAT big, and (b) they don't give you any during the final battle with HyperMecha. In fact, they don't give you anything at all!
Then Plot Convenience Theater strikes again, as the battling "colossi" just HAPPEN to stumble into the House of Mirrors and break the glass, freeing the Freedom Fighters. (Free the Freedom Fighters. That's fun to say. Everybody sing with me now! "Everybody was Freedom Fighting" (dee-dee-dee-dee doo-doo dee-dee doo) "Those spins were fast as lightning..." okay, okay, I'll stop...)
Oh, boy. Did I ever not see that one coming. What a surprise. And WAIT a minute, whatever happened to being in another dimension of sight and sound, where they couldn't use their powers? You're telling me that it WAS ordinary everyday glass all along? THEN WHY THE PHRACK DIDN'T SONIC SPIN-DASH, OR BUNNIE SLAM INTO IT WITH HER BIONIC ARM, OR TAILS WHIPLASH THEM WITH HIS TAILS, OR...OR...I'm all right now, really...
Then, in a huge engulfing WAVE of convenience, the breaking of the ordinary everyday mirrors causes Knux to get his powers back--in the form of a longer hairdo and sharp spikes on his hands again--and he bashes HyperMecha into a pile of rubbish. Then the crowd that was at the Carnival earlier shows up out of NOWHERE and starts chasing towards Robotnik, who gets into a (rocket)ship (which is supposed to be only a ride) and deserts the "sinking rat," Renfield. Who is then caught in a trap, a cage which also drops down out of nowhere. A RAT trap, of course. And then Vector has to rhyme to make it worse.
Somebody kill me now? Please?
Then Sonic says that Knux seems to be getting the makings of his own "super-team", which clinches what I thought earlier--this IS when they first met each other, even though that's HORRIBLY WRONG! Then everybody says they hate the idea, while Sonic smirks and goes, basically, "Yeah right." and we are left with the "suspenseful" announcement that perhaps we have NOT seen the last of--THE CHAOTIX! (dramatic comic book letters here.) And a message from Archie asking if the fans would like to see more of these characters.
Bless the idiot little children with juvenille tastes, ev'ry one of them, 'cos if they HADN'T written in, the cool and interesting Chaotix members we know, not to mention the Knux comics themselves, might never have taken off the ground. But if I had read this when it first came out...I would'a told Archie to go jump off an Island.
Click HERE to read my reviews of the two short stories that are also in this issue, if you really want to...
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tourists have been stupid enough to come read my flame--erm, review--of the Chaotix comic book adaptation since September 30, 1999. Of course, all of them had their brains wiped clean by the comic's stupidity.