Big, Big WoTM (World of Two Moons)

An ElfQuiz Parody Spamfic

Author's Note: This one won't make a whole lot of sense, but it was fun to write... Hope you enjoy the "absurdist" flair of this piece.

The DEV-6, sometimes known as the Interplanetary Vehicle Deluxe Edition, was the newest advance in elven technology. Even now, after five previous models, it was still hard to believe that Rayek and Scouter had come up with this idea in their spare time. But for all its bells and silbidos - the power windows, heated swimming hole, fully functional hunting range, elftronic pottery stations - the spacefaring ship lacked one thing. That was social cooperation. This was just too bad for those elves who actually had to ride the damn thing, or else not be able to reach the Current Holt in time for Cutter's annual census.

"Hola," Ember said upon reuniting with her comrades, none of whom knew any Spanish, "Let's just say that the Timid New World is a very interesting planet, but I certainly wouldn't want to die there, what with the dwarves still on a rampage. So, how have all of you been doing, without my guidance to light your path?" she asked of the crowd aboard the DEV-6, expecting some sort of answer.

How were they to reply to that? Shenshen gave it a shot: "Grody but groovy." It was no wonder that all the half-sane elves were staring at her, one of the two elves willing to relive the Seventies.

Merejez, still in his authentic bell bottoms from the You Asked for It tour, added his own thoughts, "I first met my kin on the Timid New World. Sure, sure, it's not a *bad* place, but if anyone recalls my self-titled album with its multi-layered angst, that's how I felt. The scandals that ensued when I rejoined the elven community had something to do with it, but that's not the point. Well, I'll make room for you, Ember, and toddle off to the quiet study. I've got work to do - not only is my music label strict with its contracts, but I'm trying to make the next project worthy enough to dedicate to my family." With that, the young, brown-skinned, brown-eyed elf walked out, and the crowd quickly dispersed to make straight his path. They "persed" after Merejez was gone.

And yet Ember stood before the crowd, silent and waiting. "Have I missed anything?" she asked, but they replied with an unspoken "no." As Stormie and Clearbrook had prophesied, the series that Ember had missed contained no Recognitions, Rejections, Resurrections, or any other word that begins with a capital R. It therefore made perfect sense that Ember then breathed a sigh of relief.

However, it came to pass on June 20th, 1997, that the author discovered Mythography issue number 3, and Carla Speed McNeil (the Finder artist)'s silly Elfquest parody "Small World." He immediately identified it as horrid, yet very pointed. After all, even the normal reader will have to agree, after reading this far into the obsessive and endless ElfQuiz Parody, that the whole business--er, industry - of Recognition has gone Fahr too far. So, he figured, the "Bad Comedy and Awful Jokes" series should include at least a little of "what might have been." And though it means absolutely nothing to the now-frustrated reader, this was a completely irrelevant matter in Runner's opinion, for he was still trying to find the notorious Plot Fork.

The brief, involuntary silence was dashed into pottery on the gates of the id when Ember gasped. "Gaspar!" she breathed, sounding remarkably like that person from "Citizen Kane."

"What?!" called a voice from offstage. At this point, the author would like to note that, at one point, he considered this to be a clever allusion, but at the moment, he doesn't remember what the hell he was talking about. Sorry.

"Ah, you stay outta this!" screamed Dakeet, the evil twin of Tyleet, who fended off the attempt at a crossover with the awful sound of her voice.

Finally, the right character had the chance to speak. And so he did: "Well, Ember, if you ever wanted a lifemate, now you've got one... me, Jethel."

The bomb of suspense had just gone off. It was a public revelation now, but of those who even pretended to understand it, the least of them were Ember and Jethel. How his soul name could be Gaspar remained a mystery, as well as why the Jack-Wolfrider Posse's eternal cub hadn't just blurted out her soul name - Tess. And how did she feel? Ember's old lovey Mender commented, "Don't worry - he's normal!" with a heavy-handed pat on her right shoulder.

"You be quiet, spazz healer," she grumbled, half-looking at the rapidly approaching Jethel, "Unlike you, I don't find this funny at al."


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This document was created, by Alan (John Alan Riggs), on September 21, 1998. See the Disclaimer page for legal information.