The ElfQuiz Parody: The Revisionist History: Take-a-Look 3: Curtains for Glue Fountain

Chapter 1: Spirit Wars, Episode Two

It was only then that Strongbow realized that he was a jerk.

Who had chosen to go bird hunting in unfamiliar territory? Who had ordered his captors to give him a "nice" cell? Who had stubbornly refused to be placed with Moonshade, when he knew full well that the Gliders only had so much space in their dungeon?

Strongbow, the best archer the Wolfriders had ever known, the defender of the Way, the one who could stand alone against the whole tribe and win - he sat down, and put his head between his legs. Oh, sure, it wasn't a very comfortable position, but he sure didn't give a damn.

Meanwhile, Tyldak and Winnowill stood two Elf-Widths or so from Strongbow and Moonshade's cell, each of them with a cup of latte in hand, having a political discussion. As the World of Two Moons' best - and only - anti-healer leaned back against the slime-coated wall, she said, "I will say your operation was successful, Tyldak. You not only found that hut from where we had been receiving the signals, got the license from Olbar, and got the cattle of a thousand hills for us, but you avenged the untimely death of Windkid's bond-bird, Obob. There is, however, one concern I have: why the hell did you save Windkid?" Her placid, relaxed expression turned to one of hate and disgust, and her hands clenched up and began shaking.

"Well, I'm sorry, Winnowill," Tyldak sheepishly said, tipping over a bit, even as he stood, "But like it or not, Windkid is part of the Chosen Eight. Also, he's essential to the plot. To use an analogy, where would 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' be without Wesley?" The Glider with the flesh-shaped body took a moment to gaze into his steaming cup. Funny, looks like I need some more cream in this, he thought.

Winnowill coughed abruptly. Catching her breath, the anti-healer nicely said, "The young Crusher pales in comparison to the inanity of Windkid. I would have sent him to play with the humans, but I think the Captive of Captives can deal with him better. The way I figure it, we hired him, and so we should let him do the torture."

Hearing the curious title, Moonshade walked up to the bars of the prison. She knocked three times on the metal to get the Gliders' attention, and then meekly asked, "Who is the Captive of Captives? And what does that title mean?" She tapped her foot against the bars twice.

Turning his massive head in her direction, Tyldak said bluntly, "You don't want to know. Really."

Despite the absurdity of her situation, Moonshade was not done talking yet. She happily said, "You know, Strongbow, maybe we should tell these two a little bit about ourselves." The part-time tanner felt the urgent need to express herself, mainly because of a plot contrivance.

**No!** Strongbow mentally replied.

Much, much too calmly, Moonshade shook her head in dismay. "Well, I'll do it all by myself," she said, ambivalent to the fact that the Gliders were staring at her.

Winnowill groaned quietly. Oh, my, my, how interesting this has become, she said to herself.

Moonshade's Story

"My career in fashion all started with Joylead. She was my first model, and from there I broke into the industry. Since then, my styling and design have only improved, as I have expanded into post-fire wear and Sun Folk-influenced concepts. Oh yeah, I also have something of a family thing going, what with Strongbow and Dart... well, you know. And no, I'm not neurotic."

The two Gliders politely clapped in approval. Strongbow, relentless as he was, remained on the floor.

***
One-Eye felt like someone had drilled a hole in his head. He knew little of where he was, only that it was some sort of forest, and that Redlance was but a few Elf-Widths away, and not feeling too well either. Grumbling, he decided it was best to check for any impending threats of doom - or plot conveniences. He adjusted his eye patch, lifted himself off the cold, rocky ground, and looked around. There was a clearing in the trees that he had not seen before, and it was within reach. Sensing something vague and of an unclear nature about, he decided to look through the clearing and to try to clear up his feeling of total confusion. Then he saw them - some humans were about. Keeping silent, One-Eye watched and waited. He saw that they were not making any quick motions or even attempts at fighting, but were instead conducting a ceremony. As far as he could tell, they were planning to throw a liberally dressed couple into a hole in the ground. How odd, he thought, I didn't know they believed in Pele.

Just then, Redlance - who was apparently still alive - whispered, "Look out, something is coming!"

Caught offguard, One-Eye turned a second later, just in time to see a male elf clad in cheap clothes (and nasty) running right toward him. "Damn! Watch it!" he said angrily, and then put his words into action by grabbing the running elf's right foot.

After a few moments of struggling to get away, the intruder said hastily, "What's this? Who are you?"

"Shut up, shut up!" One-Eye said furiously, for he was more bruised than ever, "We have every right to keep you silent. Now why don't you just calm down, sit, and we'll put you out of your misery." He brandished a hammer, just to show that he was willing to make good on his threat.

Only Redlance, being the tree-hugger that he was, could have felt pity for the elf. Sure, it also helped that he knew the would-be runner, but that's not the point. From where he lay, he gave One-Eye a suspicious glance, and said, "Relax, Dobil. We're in quite a bit of pain here, and that's why One-Eye is being a pain. You should remember me... in case you forgot, I'm Redlance."

Unexpectedly, Dobil stopped squirming. "Yeah, I remember you - the one who tried to stop Rain that night and--" he said, stammering, and after a long pause, continued, "I... shouldn't have said that."

***
"I'm falling, mommy!" Cutter said in a shrill voice. He, along with Stormie, Skywise, Foxfur, Woodlock, and Hoodbearer, had accidentally found their way into the goo-filled pit known as Glue Fountain. But even though they had made this discovery, not all were happy.

Stormbringer, demonstrating her ample wit, said, "I'm not happy. Now, will you stop screaming? We can breathe in this stuff, and I think it's actually breaking our fall. So, if you will shut up..."

The alleged mother of Stormie, Foxfur, looked at Woodlock. His face was a Libyan shade of green (though she could not have known that). "I feel sick," Woodlock said, stating the obvious, inasmuch as he had just ralphed.

Feeling a need to contribute to the conversation, Skywise said, "Not to cause undue concern, but I believe that we're about to hit... the... bottom!" His voice had just gone up several octaves, which actually stopped Cutter's screaming.

With a loud and resounding "toggg," all five hit the hard ground that constituted the floor of Glue Fountain. It was a few minutes' wait before they were feeling ready to go again.

***
Within Glue Fountain, there were many rooms. One of these contained the Unpleasant Rupture Geiser - a well-named fountain that spewed forth lukewarm, yellow-brown water. The majority of the Wolfriders were gathered there, but not by choice. Seven of the Chosen Eight were also with them, but not by choice. The two oppositional forces did, however, have a common cause to debate: the validity of the Wolfriders.

"Yes, we are elves!" shouted Pike, who hated being insulted, "What else could we be - mushrooms?"

Kureel, being the unofficial spokeself for the Gliders, replied, "I am not terribly pleased by your petty attempt at an insult. In fact, I find it rather offensive. Next time, 'elf,' be more careful with your language." He coughed sharply, and the sound resonated through the room.

The now-furious Wolfrider retorted by bellowing, "My name's Pike!" Curiously, all was silent after that - they had hit a lull. So Pike struck up again with, "Well then, it looks like I'm going to have to tell my story!"

Pike's Story

"Longbranch, the one once known as Longreach - he was my idol. I admired him, I sucked up to him, I occasionally pulled pranks on him, but at least I wasn't the one who made him go over the edge. But Longbranch made me what I am today, and no one can take that legacy away from me. Really, I can be serious from time to time. You think I am kidding? Well, every now and then... Hey, stop that, Quickblade!"

While Pike was off on his monologue, the irresponsible cub known as Quickblade was under restraining orders from his mother. The youth had tried to poke a Glider named Reevol (who, in 'Quiz, shares his name with his bond-bird) in the buttocks, and the Glider wasn't too happy about it. Leetah's intervention prevented any violence, sex, or mature situations from breaking out. Meanwhile, Suntop and Ember were just standing around and smiling inanely, behaving far too well for five-turn-olds.

The majority of the Wolfriders were doing their typical, nonproductive things. Rain was swearing to himself, while pacing nervously in circles. As for Treestump, he was merely sitting on the edge of the Geyser by himself, trying to ignore Clearbrook's disturbing passes. Nightfall seemed to be acting in a peculiar way - the sleepwalking way - and was running around and about, trying to locate something, or quite possibly someone. None of the Wolfriders had seen Dewshine in several minutes, for they had adopted a laissez faire policy when it came to her actions.

Then, Cutter and his companions showed up. Seeing a large portion of the tribe waiting around, he said, "A-a-a-ayoooah! How the heck did all of you get here?"

Suntop, smirking, turned to his father, and said, "We don't know." He knew that none of the others understood how they had come, so they could not refute him.

Choosing to make a rude, human-like comment, Hoodbearer said, "Like my human family always said, it's a long story, and nobody will stick around to hear it. How typical." She finished with a sigh, and glanced over to Foxfur.

Realizing that a plot development could strike at any moment, Foxfur asked, "What, exactly, did you mean by that? I am very patient, what with being evil and all, it comes naturally."

Kureel was quite tired of all this chatter. He screamed, "Come on, Wolfriders, we've got something more important to do. You're being held here because one of you managed to kill one of our bond-birds. Time for you to face the music. Now, come with me." He clenched his teeth - damn, these Wolfriders were stupid!


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