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November 3-9, 2002
Well, I am in agony over this stupid tooth they pulled! My mouth feels like it's exploding on one side from the swelling,
which I had two days after the tooth was pulled. I don't get it. I think I need something for infection. UGH! I don't know.
Anyway, I am not going to write a lot today. I'll save my strength. Until next time...
Well, it's the 6th and I had the tooth packed... meaning they put gauze coated with this yellowish crud into the hole.
I had dry socket. I don't smoke or anything and yet it still happened. Probably from my blood not clotting for the first four
days! I bled like crazy from this and I think they may have damaged the bone, too. Anyway, it is feeling better although it's
still really tender and sensitive. At least the bone doesn't ache like it was before.
Also, I voted last night and we have a democratic, first female governor. Am I happy? About the democrat in office, yes.
The woman issue? I could give a crap. Besides, she was born in Canada... what the fuck is up with that?!
Plus, when I came home from the dentist and from voting last night I had a message on my machine. It was from my therapist.
She said that the group at U of M approved me to get hormones and I will be referred to a physician right away! Finally...
although I know some of the people that I know waited years for approval, so I am lucky. For more, see the Transition page.
Anyway, I have to get back to work. However, after my meeting on the 9th I will update you. Til next time.
October 27-November 2, 2002
Well, I am finally back to work after three days of horrible tooth-pulling! I am alive but short one tooth. Soon I will
be short about 8 more. I am getting a partial to help prevent bone loss. I have very bad teeth on bottom.
Anyway, moving on from the drilling and all, hope everyone's Halloween was pleasant. Mine has not officially come yet.
My sister's party is not til the 2nd. In the meantime I went to my appointment for my LEGAL name change. It's costing me a
fortune. But what's a hundred here and fifty there?! Nickel and dime me to death why don't they?
I have only a moment but I will keep up on this. I have to go get my prints taken at WMU tonight. Until next time...
October 20-26, 2002
It's almost Halloween. Anybody got really good costume ideas? I am at a loss. My little sister is havinga party and I
have no clue what to wear. I have gone as just about everything at Halloween. Now I don't know what to wear. E-mail me with any productive ideas. And no, I won't go as anything too sexual or too naked, as I haven't transitioned enough for nakedness
as of yet.
It's cold and wet and nasty outside. Welcome to Michigan in the fall! Sometimes it's so beautiful, with the coloring
foliage and mild temps. Now its 44 and freezing! My hands are cold, I am shivering and my chin is chattering. Sucky...
Well, that's the beginning of my week. How exciting. I have my meeting with the probate lawyer about getting my name
changed on Thursday, and a dentist appointment before that at 7 am. Yeah. That really makes my millenium.
Well, sports fans, I have to fly. Smoke if you got'em.
October 13-19, 2002
Well, it's Monday, and BOY can I tell! Jeeze, it's been almost a horrible day, and I am so glad that it is almost over.
I need to go home and do laundry. Yeah, I'm excited. You can practically see the excitement dripping from my body, huh?
This is quite possibly the most boring log I have entered. I got to see Casey last week and I have an appointment next
week with the probate court for changing my name (legally). This week is boring. I think the only remotely thrilling thing
I will get to talk about will be my time spent with Casey... but I don't kiss and tell!
It's almost time to go home so I gotta jet. Until next time...
October 6-12, 2002
Last night my nephew Brennan got his first haircut. He is almost 2. I am not sure what he thought of it or what he looks
like now, but the family made a video of it. I plan to go watch it tonight.
Today I came in to work and had just an ENORMOUS amount of work to do. I have been in and out of getting things done
all day. I have decided to do them in bits and pieces, since I have to go do tours of the facilities some time in between.
I am just now eating... it's 2:50. I get out at 4 so I guess I could have just waited. But I'm hungry now.
Anyway, I hope I get to see Casey this week. It's been at least two weeks since we last saw each other and I miss her.
When we are apart for long periods of time we have a tendancy to argue and fight. I don't like that. I can't think of anyone
that would. We had a nice conversation a few days ago, but we both have such conflicting schedules now, especially since I
went on days. I sometimes wish I was back on nights so that I could be with her more. At least then I got to talk to her more
often.
I should get going. I have to finish eating and then get out there and try to squeeze in one more tour. Ugh... so, until
next time.
October 2, 2002
Well, it's official! I came out at work. It was accepted very warmly and I know that they will uphold their end of the
bargains. I am proud to work for a company that is so trans friendly. I can say that I think everything will be just fine.
I decided to tell them at the interview for the supervisor's job, and they gave me the job anyway. People are sometimes
treated well in that the people who work hard get what they deserve. But I have always lived by the policy that sometimes
it is a blessing that I don't get what I deserve. If I always got what I deserved I probably would have had my fingers chopped
off for shoplifting when I was 9.
I have also placed a photo of my new nephew in the photos page. Please feel free to gooo and gahhh at his cute little face. It's good to be an uncle... twice!
Also, you can now find the entries for the first two months on the Old Entries page. Visit it often to reminisce!
October 1-5, 2002
Welcome, October. We are starting to see the leaves on the trees change color slightly and the weather is cooling off.
All I can say about that is FINALLY! It has been so damn hot and now the humidity is going down enough so that I don't need
to sleep on the couch to be near the air conditioner.
I have been here since 4 this morning, and my promotion is still on the table. I am tired of waiting. Oh, well. I have
a meeting tomorrow at 11 am and I will know then what is happening. I am going to tell them...
Nervous???!!!
September 28, 2002
Today is a great day! My second nephew, Daniel, was born today! 9 lbs. 4 oz., 21 inches long. Healthy, strong and vibrant!
Big, too! We are all so happy. His big brother is going to be so surprised. Brennan is such a good little boy and we are all
looking forward to watching them grow up together... B doesn't yet understand the concept of "baby in mommy's tummy will now
not be there anymore", but he will.
I am getting out of work at 4 and I will go straight to the hospital and see them. I am gonna pick up some flowers on
the way, and maybe a teddy bear for Daniel. Whem my mom called and told the girl in the guardhouse that my nephew was born
she was crying. She just couldn't help it. Dad and the boys' daddy was there, too. I guess from the time that Monica
was dilating to the time she actually had him only took five minutes. My sister did a really good job. We are all proud of
her. This birth went a lot smoother than B's did. His took 14 hours from the time her water broke. Monica's water broke this
morning at 8:45 and she had him at 10:30. Pretty quick.
I wish I could get out of here sooner. I don't want to be here right now. Oh, well. We all do what we have to do. I will
probably write more for next week tomorrow. I'll update about Daniel and Brennan and their first meeting! Welcome to the world,
little man.
September 22-29, 2002
Well, this weekend has been my first weekend as the lead supervisor. It's nice to know that you can help other people.
I haven't had anything really major yet, except one dumb fireman who decided to throw a fit about a guest... but that's a
little above this entry so I'll eliminate any garbage regarding work.
It's raining and COLD. Only 62. It was 81 yesterday. God, sometimes I hate Michigan! I am doing tours today and it always
is so hot you can't breathe or it rains/snows when I am out wandering about. It never fails. Oh, well.
My parents are going out of town this weekend to my cousin's fiance's funeral. She was only 39. Unfortunately she had
a major stroke and went into a coma. She never did regain consciousness. I feel bad for my cousin. He has been through a lot.
My sister is pregnant and is about to go into labor any day now. I hope that my parents can be there when she does. I know
they would hate to miss it. She's having my next strapping nephew! I'm excited to meet him and for him to meet all of us.
We're all waiting patiently for him to decide to come out.
I had the most horrible dream last night. I woke up in a sweat, bawling like a baby. It serves me right for eating garlic
butter chicken last night for dinner. Anyway, in the dream my mother told me that she would rather see me die than to have
me as her son. In the dream I stabbed myself and right before I woke up I sat and was looking at all the blood. I have to
say it was good that it was only a dream. I am known to walk in my sleep and I am glad I didn't decide to get stupid and hurt
myself in some weird Freddy Kreuger spin-off. (Remember those movies, where he plays with their dreams and they kill themselves???)
Work is yucky when it's wet but I have to go now. Maybe I'll visit and write more again later this week. Bye for now.
September 15-21, 2002
Today is the 16th... my dad's birthday. I will be going to his party after work today. I can only hope that he likes
the gift I got him. I am getting very anxious to go to my meeting on Thursday. I should have gone on the 12th but I was stuck
having to work. All I can say is that today has definitely been a Monday and I am looking forward to it being done.
I have been in contact with the Kalamazoo Gay and Lesbian Resource Center and I have volunteered to be the moderator for the first Trans support group through their organization. I venture to say
it is probably the first in Kalamazoo that is actually sanctioned by an organization.
I will call it the Kalamazoo Transgender Alliance, the KTA. If anyone reading this is interested in any info or wishes
to join this support group, e-mail me. All are welcome.
Well, gotta go. Got work to do. Later...
Hey, it's the 20th! I got the okay from my therapist and I will start T in or around November! YEAH! I just had to share
my exciting news! Later all.
September 11, 2002
This is in the middle of my week but it is September 11, 2002... one year later. We all know what happened. A moment
of silence was held at 10:28 am edt. There was a fly-over with old WWII bombers with smoke bands. It was nice. Hard to think
about, though.
I never thought I would end up like my grandparents, who talked about where they were when Kennedy was shot. I now think
of where I was when the towers went down.
I got home from work that morning and turned on the TV, 9:30 am everything was normal. Then 9:46, all hell broke loose.
I was immediately on the phone with Casey. She was at work. I watched it live as the second plane hit. It made me cry. Then
live again while the two other planes crashed: one in Washington, one missing it's destination somewhere and crash landing
in Pennsylvania. My poor country. My poor countrymen.
I was 23 years old and it's probably one of the most traumatic things I have yet experienced. My family was not directly
effected by the incidents. Much of my family is here in Michigan or in Canada. However, I know people whose families were
effected in very personal ways by this terrible tragedy.
Bless us all... remembering those whose lives were lost or touched on September 11, 2001.
September 8-14, 2002
Well, it's HOT! It's 90 out and the stupid humidity makes it feel like it's 105. Sometimes I hate living in Michigan.
I am stuck in this hot guardhouse with hardly any air conditioning (because the sun beats down on it and makes it pump out
hot air). Oh, well. It's almost 2 and I go home at 4, so I guess I'll live.
I am about to go to my appointment next week and find out if I am going to be coming out at work, which I am anxious
to do. They are suspecting things are wrong with me. I have to go to appointments a lot. They either think I am a hypochondriac
or they think I have cancer or something. When they find out they will probably fire me, but I will sue their asses off. It
goes against their own no slur policies to fire me for being honest about my transgenderism.
Naturally this idea of not having a half-way decent paying job anymore makes me nervous, mostly because I will have to
either rely on a roommate or move home with my parents again. As sick as it may sound, a part of me wants to get fired. I
can win a case of discrimination and unlawful termination and get a lot of money off of their sorry prejudice asses! But I
can also spend my transition with my family. I would like that. Only one problem... my sister had to move back home because
her apartment complex found out about her fiance living with her and evicted them. They haven't found a place yet because
they have to pay court costs and save up. It would be really crowded with all of us living there again. At one point my parents
had all of us AND Tasha (my adopted sister) living at home. Five kids was a crowd! Now it's four grown kids. Ummmm, probably
not going to work well.
Casey doesn't want me to live at home. I really don't want to live at home either but I won't have a choice if I lose
this job. Oh, well. We will take it as it comes.
I miss Casey. She is always so damn far away. I just wish we could afford to see each other more often. Since she doesn't
want to live here (I still haven't figured it out) we are still separated by the distance. I suppose it isn't all that much
considering what I have been through in my past. I had more of a distance between myself and my previous partners and we lived
in the same damn city.
My transition feels so slow... damnit, WHY did I have to be born like this?! No one to blame. No medical reason to explain.
No chance encounter with aliens to rule out natural causes. No bad formula as a baby. No illegal drugs or alcohol to stunt
my growth. No logic.
I just have to hold on, to exist just one more second... one more... one more...
September 1-7, 2002
Well, it's really Saturday but I am on nights today, so I thought I would write when I had a moment. I have had to postpone
my appointment with my therapist until the 19th instead of the 12th. Since I have moved to days my schedule has changed and
I can no longer go to meetings on my "regular days off". They just don't exist any longer. My schedule has been all eratic.
It's really pissing me off. But I recently accepted a position they will be starting as a dispatcher. I hope it will be fun.
I will have weekends off and I will be able to do the same job, only no vehicle traffic. Yes!
That's about all right now. Maybe I will write more later this week. Bye for now...
Well, it's Wednesday now and I have had my couple of days off to get my rest. We had a large Hazmat drill here and my
guardhouse was closed for a while. That was fun. Now I have just messed with some guy's head... ooops. Man, I hate when I
fuck things up like that! Alright, get a grip, here.
So, I am waiting for my sister to go into labor. We all are, and I am sure she is more ready than all of us. Her tests
came back all looking good. Now it's just a matter of days we think. She started actually dillating last week and she was
at 1 and a half centimeters on Friday. I am gonna be an uncle again!
Casey and I saw one another for the first time in three weeks, and did we ever need it! We had been fighting and everything,
and we only do that when we are apart for too long. It was so nice to be with my baby. We went out to dinner and had a nice
time together just talking and enjoying one another's company. I am too much of a gentleman to tell anything else. It was
just a nice time. I always have sucha good time with her. I just wish we lived closer together. Next time we see each other
will hopefully be this week. I'm just like a kid at Christmas when it comes to her... all excited and adrenaline.
Well, I am going to be going now. I have to fill a patrol this afternoon. How fun! Talk later.
August 25-31, 2002
I have officially moved to days and have begun working in the guardhouse during the day. Because of the hole from my
old shift not being filled, many of us are having to work 12 hour shifts for the next few weeks until I can train a new officer
to fill the 3rd shift opening. I have been asking to be moved to days since I started here a year and a half ago. All I can
say is it's about time!
I placed some pictures in the page--something that is brand new as of this weekend. I also added a Transition page. It will be where I place my Testosterone information once it starts. As of right now it has yet to begin. Hopefully
by the end of the year I will have all of that started and I won't have to keep being so damn patient. I am tired of being
patient.
I talked to my youngest sister on Friday night. She is still really traumatized by my decision to go through with this.
I think it is mostly because she is 17 and is VERY concerned about what her friends think of her. She said that for years
she has told all of them, when they said things about me, that I wasn't gay and that there was nothing about me that was out
of the ordinary. I was just unique. Now she has found out that she has to possibly tell those friends that I am trans instead
and it is devastating her. I had to tell her that I love her but no matter how she feels about it I am going to go through
with it. It is just too hard to live anymore when I don't fit inside myself. My mom told her that she doesn't think that any
of the family will ever truly understand and that there are things about me that will change for the better. Mom is not thrilled
about it either, but what was I really supposed to expect?
Casey is in the process of trying to get a new car. I know she is going to get approved for a loan. She just can't afford
more than about $150 a month. Gonna be hard. I told her to just take another six months to try to get some money saved up
(since her school loan will cover all of it this year she will have more money) and then she can buy a car to get her by until
she can afford a car loan. She doesn't want just any car, though. She wants a Grand Am. She sets her sights so high. I am
afraid she won't ever be able to because she will forever have to live at home. Her parents are so closed-minded and won't
even give her enough slack to be able to go to school without demanding shit from her. They don't pay for school, they don't
pay for her car and all the times it has had to be repaired, they don't pay for her books, her food, her gas, her clothes,
her spending money for basics... they don't even pay for toiletries (that's just asshole for you). She just has a bed and
no rent. She goes to school full time, works full time, and has a car that is almost 13 years old. Do you think they will
even help her to move out?! No. She doesn't like that I don't like them. I only give what they give.
I ramble...
I have to go. I should pay attention to the people coming through the gate. How about that?! Doing what they pay me to
do! Until next time...
August 18-24, 2002
This week I am focusing on beginning my exercise and diet rituals. I began by sacrificing my prize goat. (Intended as
a joke, not meant to offend anyone!) Really, I have started drinking weightloss shakes and limiting my caloric intake. My
dad has a 5,000,000 -in-1 machine that he is graciously going to give to me. My aerobic work out is a video that I got
years ago from a physical therapist I was seeing for a while for a back injury I suffered on the job. It is extremely low
impact. My concern is that I will bother my neighbors below my apartment.
But, and this is the good news, I am moving to days next week! After more than 2 years I am finally going to be awake
during the day! I just hope that I don't deteriorate in the sun, considering that I haven't been a day person in so long.
I also might be taking on a supervisory position here soon. More pay, better hours, flexibility. Casey is thrilled, as are
my family.
I am 5'6" and I weigh in now at around 170. That's a little too much for me. I essentially want to, after all this is
done, get back down to around 150. 20 pounds... harder than it looks. Being on days will help me, as I have been sitting around
in the guardhouse all night long and sleeping during the day, usually eating right after I got home and then passing out on
the couch. Not good for me?
I can't wait to wake up to the sun again! Wish me luck.
August 11-17, 2002
Well, I have had my meeting with my therapist and my parents. My sisters could not come for their own personal reasons
but it was great that my parents were there. I don't think that they really know how much that meant to me. Things went very
well. I was pleased with the way they were so open about how they felt and at the same time so sensitive to my feelings. I
knew that they might not have great things to say about this. I mean, it has to be hard watching their daughter go through
such hard times. But they have been supportive and my mom didn't complain about the name Eric. I thought she might because
it wasn't one that she might have (or got to) pick for me. But all has been good. It will be easier as time goes on to get
used to it. Especially as my physical features begin to change.
Although I am looking so forward to beginning hormones, my voice deepening will be the challenge for me. I am so vocal
in my music... will I still be able to sing when I am done? I know how hard it was when I went through puberty when I went
from a soprano to a tenor. Now I don't know how low my voice will go when I go through puberty again. That scares me. I have
never had a hard time singing. I don't want to lose that natural ability.
Looking back on my meeting and the way I felt before it, I wonder now why I felt so frightened. I know why really, but
REALLY. It all seems sort of silly now that I got so nervous. I couldn't even eat that morning. But I should have taken a
clue from my parents, who were so relaxed about it that they themselves stopped a McDonald's for breakfast.
Very soon I will be having another meeting. It is scheduled for September 12. I will be (hopefully in the morning) making
an appointment at the U of M Health Center to see a surgeon regarding top surgery. Looking expensive. I might try to get them
to work with the doctors in Canada at GRS. Theirs is less by about $2,000. Not chump change! I don't know... all I do know
is that I have to at least look into it. I will probably be changing my name in the next three months. I will also be coming
out at work and praying that I don't get fired. The good part is that I am already working with one of the two lawyers that
work with U of M so that I will have some level of protection (it's against the law to fire me because of my changes, you
know).
Well, I should actually do some work, I suppose, since that's where I am at right now. Until next week...
August 4-10, 2002
Well, it's only a few days until my meeting and I am more and more anxious by the minute. This is not getting any easier
as the days go by, either. This entry will be short because I have a lot of work to do tonight.
This week I have been pulling my hair out waiting for the 10th. As it comes closer, I am getting more and more anxious
and even lost control yesterday. I woke up out of my sleep after having this dream that my parents, who so far have been semi-supportive,
turned on me at the meeting. I woke up crying very hard, and it took me about ten minutes to get hold of myself. If I think
about it hard enough it becomes obvious to me that I am not as immune to peoples' dissapproval as I make myself out to be.
That's probably one of the hardest things I have had to do so far: admitting that I am not the strong person I show myself
to be on the outside. Casey said that until May '01 when my parents found out about this and I began looking into really doing
this, I was a different person. I think maybe she took offense to that. I hate the idea that she didn't recognize me after
that. It is still sort of hard to see myself differently. I guess being on the inside of this situation has made it near impossible
for me to see the big picture. I just hope that she can forgive me for being an ass.
I have been training a new officer at work this week so that has been using up some of my time but I have tried to keep
up my online research. Hopefully this site can someday be as helpful to others as other sites have been to me.
July 21-27, 2002
This week I was on vacation from work. I saw John Mayer in concert (excellent by the way), spent much needed restful time with my Girly and got sunburned. I also saw my therapist
and made an appointment for a family session. It's at least an hour's drive and my parents aren't thrilled at the idea of
having to drive that distance, but what's the difference? I do it at least once a month myself. It won't kill them.
I am hoping that they will utilize the day to get some things off their chests, as well as try to understand me a little
bit more. I had my mom witness my signature on some paperwork yesterday and she laughed at me, saying that it's a little hard
for her to understand me and get used to it. I just said we will talk about it on the 10th (the day we go). She just
shrugged and signed the papers.
I wish she would try a little harder. Our relationship has been strained for years, especially since junior high. She
has always wanted to control me and my decisions, and uses things against me. If I make the wrong decision about something,
she is the first to say I told you so and throws it back in my face whenever she gets the chance. I know she loves me, but
it's hard to love her like I should. I'm 24 now. Time to grow up and be adults.
My dad is a whole other story. He is my step-dad, and I have no relationship with my biological father (I will probably
never tell him about this, simply because he shut me out of his life when I was 12). My dad is great and has always been good
to me. He is so quiet, though. I never know what he is thinking when he looks at me, and I am almost afraid to know. But that
is what this session will be for.
Casey (my Girly) wants to come, but doesn't. I think she is scared of what she will say, or what she will hear. She is
very blunt and forward about some things, especially about me.
I will just have to hold my horses til the 10th but it's hard. I am back to work and have something to help take my mind
off of it, but it's always there in the back of my mind, everytime someone drives through the gates and sees me in the guardhouse,
what do they see? What do they think? Are they afraid of me? Do they get disgusted? Do they hate me for who they think I am?
I've never been the type to care what other people think, but this is so much different than a trivial childhood "being
cool" complex. I'll just have to wait for my timeline for the next year to be developed (another plus of the 10th). After
that I will have real life goals to try for, and not just the goal of existing, if only for one more minute, in this
body.
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