Comments?? vkaufman@mines.edu

Pax's sweet-ass site

da' furrychicken site

PK Pandemonium

Hannah's Soap Operas

SbChik

December 11, 2004!

I moved the site. Now impoved as ever! WITH COMMENTS!

HERE IT IS

December 10, 2004!

That's my bird. Noisy bastard. Likes to chirp ONLY when i play the piano. I bring people over....they ask if the bird can chirp. I say yes. The bird is silent. I scream at it, play music and he doesn't chirp. As soon as the people leave and i start playing, he "chirp, chirp, chirps." As i said, he's a bastard.

All right, i've been thinking about this for a while. You know how the water in the toilets twirl counter-clockwise in the US and clockwise in south america.....(or the other way around) My question is which way does the water spin RIGHT ON the equator. Would the water not spin? Do toilets not work in the equator. Need answer and fast!

December 7, 2004!

I was sortin through old pics and i "think" this is pax and i think "jen" took this picture. I'm not even sure i was there...or where this is for that matter.

DAMNATION. I just spent 6 hours downloading a nice game (at 120kbps) and as soon i start playing, i realize it is in fkin italian!!!! I have no idea what is going on except for that fact that "desktop" is "desktop" in italian and everytime i do something wrong, the tutorial lady in the game yells something in italian at me.

Now, i know what some of you are thinking: if you know spanish, italian isnt that hard to understand.....OK i am FLUENT in spanish, but listening/reading some of this italian made me feel like a first-year english student in the middle of a rap concert. It may sound like english but it isn't ENGLISH.

On another note, happy hannukkah. My dad gave me a handheld GPS system. coolest. dad. ever.

December 5, 2004!

I didn't take the picture. I wish I was 5. Again. See how happy I was? See how i didn't care how neat my hair was? See how i didn't care how close i was sitting to that boy? See how i could look both cute an evil at the same time? See how i was about to fall from the bike? Well times haven't changed. I'm very thankful to be very happy. I don't do my hair. I could care less what people think of me. I can still make that face. Every time I ride a bike, I still crash into some inanimate object like a tree or picnic table. So what has changed? nothing important. I don't have to pretend that i'm 5 again. I AM 5!

December 3, 2004!

Alcohol is not allowed in Quatar. The picture is just outside my apartment. Felt like going outside and taking a picture.

Fembots, popcorn, and autistic squirrels all point to the fact that i got nothin today.

November 28, 2004!

This might be a long post but well worth the read.

I took this picture 5 minutes ago. Can you find the bench in the background? The snow made the driving quite difficult for me today. In the route that usually takes me 30 mins driving cruising just under 100, I spent over an hour driving today. Also, i started counting accidents, but after a while, i simply lost count. At least three of the wrecked cars were Ford Explorers. Here is my theory....if you're dumb enough to get a POS of a car as a Ford Explorer, you're dumb enough not to learn how to drive and thus, you might as well crash it.

In other news, i looked at the site stats and on average, about 25 different people visit my crappy website every day! I'd guess I know about half of these people, but the others using keywords in search engines suck as: "rich pakistinian boy", "stare at the picture fat ass joke", and "pic of kid evil" are just weird, and the fact that my site is one of the first results for these keywords is even freakier. Since so many of you bored peeps actually read this stuff, i might as well advertise....(you never know)
1)Looking for girl from late teens to early twenties...Must be a brunette and must live in the denver metro area... Preferribally with a sense of humor, lots of money, and cooking skills.
2) Looking for a midget. The shorter, the better. Entertaining skills a plus.

If you think you might qualify for one of these positions, email me vkaufman@mines.edu and i'll gladly give you an application and possibly and interview....first come first serve!

November 26, 2004!

I haven't been taking pictures much, as usual, so here is the second out of 3 beehives we got in our shed this summer. This one was the smallest (the midget) of them. Like the other two, daddy eradicated this beehive by busting out the blowtorch from the garage and crisped them (the bees)straight to hell. I always admire a good barbeque. What's cooking, doc?

On another note, i realized that no one here gives a damn about holidays. At home, I had 3 individually wrapped slices of deli turkey. At Pax's, roast beef was the closest thing that i ate that resembled turkey. I thanked no one for nothing. BUT, i now take back the "no one here gives a damn about holidays" back. People are overjoyed because the holidays give us a day off to get our oil changed and finish off some halloween candy. That's pretty much what i did.


click on the upstairs and get a good laugh

November 24, 2004!

This is what a close up of a 4Runner bumper looks like after it plowed through...well, lots of bugs. I'd say we managed to kill the family of a mosquito and the families of those mosquitos and the families of all those mosquitoes, etc. All in all, i think several generations of mosquitos were killed on that trip thanks to a large, solid bumper. God bless America.

If i had to choose 1 word to describe the majority of people on this Earth, it would be clueless!

November 23, 2004!

All right, someone suggested i caption all my pictures so it's enjoyable for other people besides me....ok.

Since i haven't been taking very many pics recently, this pic is back when pax, katie, zaki, I, etc. went to nebraska on a camping trip. I title this pic, "Find the Sunflower!"

In other news, it's just about Thanksgiving time. This is the day that the turkey poplulation nearly gets wiped out. They call it "Thanksgiving" because historically, many years ago, a bunch of foreigners sailed the Alantic ocean and after finishing their journeys, they were so happy, they decided to give the chickens a day off. So the chickens said, "thanks for giving us a day off" and the turkeys said, "damn." The foreigners were optimists so we call it "Thanksgiving!" Thank God for public schooling.

No plans for holiday yet. fun wanted. call cell, im, email, use magic finger, whatever works.....

November 20, 2004!

I've never read this in a textbook or have heard anyone mention this, so i might as well throw something out. There are 2 types of logics in this world. Spoken logic and unspoken logic. The first includes 1+2=3, F=ma, reading makes you litterate, etc. The latter is more complicated. An example would be when one walks into a room with a lot of enthusiasm and starts ripping jokes, everyone gets in a better mood. Another example is if you don't make a move, usually nothing will happen. (ie. if you don't talk to a girl or boy, they usually won't talk to you OR if you don't ask a question in class, usually, no one will answer it for you) The point is, no one understands the latter logic. I should write a book, make millions, retire, and play golf the rest of my life.

November 19, 2004!

I got raped three times this week. Three days. Three tests. Three violations. Three shitty hard tests. If I cared enough I'd probably be depressed crying on my pillow, but instead i'm listening to chris rock. Robatussin (sp?) cures everything! Got the common cold, cancer, deep gash on the side of your forehead? I know what you need....Robatussin. Good times.

On another note, some people should REALLY stop complaining about EVERYTHING. "My legs hurt." "I'm having a bad day." "That test was really hard." OK, the last one was me, but the excessive complainers really need to cut it out. YOU know who YOU are. Cut it.....or else....

November 17, 2004!

OK, I want some snow. The picture was from last year when we got a lot of it.... enough to cancel school....enough to cancel mail....enough to force us to stay inside our house.....for 2 days. Hey, who says it can't happen again?

Here's a quote from NBA.com.... he was "Drafted by New Jersey in the second round with the 51st overall selection and was then traded to Philadelphia for an undisclosed amount of cash"

This conjures up interesting ideas in my mind. What can this "undisclosed amount of cash" mean? I see a man in a nice suit with dark shades presenting a large, black briefcase to another man who accepts the briefcase and releases a token-white-boy to the first man. Done deal. http://www.nba.com/playerfile/kyle_korver/index.html?nav=page

November 15, 2004!

OK DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU WRITE SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY AND IT ALL GETS ERASED??? I DO. IF I DON'T GET PUT IN ONE OF THOSE HOUSES WITH SOFT, WHITE, WALLS, I MIGHT JUST HURT SOME INANIMATE OBJECTS.

DAMNATION!!!

November 11, 2004!

How will I be remembered? Today a kid from Creek was telling his pops that he was working with his old buddy, Vlad...the conversation went something like this...
Dad: "Who?"
Kid: "He ran track with us last year?"
Dad: "What did he look like?"
Kid: "Skinny kid"
Dad: "What did he run?"
Kid: "Middle distance and sprints..."
Dad: "Hmmm, was he white?"
Kid: "Yeah...the smart kid"
Dad: "I don't know who you're talking about"
Kid: "He bobbled his head and looked like a bobble-head"
Dad: "Ohhhhhh!"

November 9, 2004!

I'm so tired. I started naming the bubbles in my coca cola bottle. Back to la-la-land for meZZZzzzzz....

November 8, 2004!

Limits. These are what make people weak. I used to think that i had asthma. Not anymore. I used to think that i was a weakling. Not anymore. I used to think that i'd never be smarter than some people. Not anymore. Well, look where i am. It used to be that no one could break the Four-Minute Mile. Suddenly, one guy broke it, and immediately, dozens of people followed. Few dreamed that a 13 year old boy could be one of the best soccer players in the world. People assume there are barriers to success, also known as limits.....i disagree. Need proof? See me.

November 6, 2004!

If you asked me what the picture is of....i couldnt tell you. I honestly don't know. Picasso?

Where do you draw the line between "little person" and "midget"?

November 5, 2004!

I'm sick of driving to school every day. I'm going to move into my friend's apartment. Simple? Yeah. Hands up. Hands down. Cheers.

For all you girls (or boys?) that wear strong perfume to class, I HATE YOU. Today, I couldnt think in class because the classroom smelled like really strong strawberries. The teacher was teaching sequences and series and all my mind was processing was strawberries, strawberries, and strawberries. Now i know how cops feel when there is a donut smell but no donut. Drives me crazy.

I smell fear.

November 3, 2004!

here's a joke:

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked," Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning or rock climbing?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?

November 1, 2004!

First day of November. First day of snow.

Snow snow snow snow snow, snow snow. Snow? Snow, snow snow snow snow. Snow snow snow, snow snow, snow snow snow!

Moral of the story: a lot of candy makes your hyper.

October 31, 2004!

So last night was going slow and while walking around, ppl started gathering around us and suddenly there was a riot. I watched a few cars being flipped over a few feet in front of me. Dozens of street signs were ripped from the ground then used as battering rams to break windows. There were a few fires, hundreds of riot police, and i can still feel the tear gas in my eyes. Fun stuff.

Go Boulder.

October 30, 2004!

Being a masochist is great if you get high off pain. I sure do! So how about that pain with a sprinkle of torture and a side of suffering made in misery sauce. I'll take 2, please! Delish!

Pias Owt

October 28, 2004!

Some people think that it is MmmmMmmmportant to vote. I agree with them. I vote for one reason: to cancel out 1 illiterate redneck vote from New Mexico who chose his candidate because his best illitarate redneck friend told him to vote so. I hear this a lot: it doesn't matter who you vote for as long as you vote.....This is completely true. It doesn't matter. I'd go for the sexiest candidate. Kerry and his hair MMMMmmmmMMmmmmm.

Which part of the previous paragraph is sarcasm?

Solution to homlessness: hand out condiments of ketchup and honey to the needy.

October 27, 2004!

This male model is trying to "fit in." Newspaper to you, Jared.

It's this time of season when I could use an educational midget. Blind people need guide dogs. Graffitti artists need paint. Criminals need jails. You get the point. Why can't "they" recognize midgetophilia? I wish midgets grew on trees...

I believe you have my stapler?

October 25, 2004!

The picture came from last year's newspaper at Cherry Creek High School. Make your own conclusions. approximately 100 people around the world choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. Guess what ethnicity they are??

I'm thinking about what font i should use for this site...helvetica, sans sarif, times new roman etc...
I have figured out the following. Helvetica sounds like a delicious brand of ice cream. Sans sarif sounds like the latest model of some german car. Times new Roman sounds like a newspaper. I'm all out of ideas.

October 24, 2004!

It finally happened! We were having a barbeque at coach's house and believe it or not, for a man, it was the cleanest house i have ever been in. There was no dust anywhere, the dishes all shined, and the windows were almost see-through, ALMOST. Coach slid the glass door open and invited us into the backyard. One person went, then another, and then a girl, thinking there was another exit, walked right into the glass wall adjacent to the opening, slamming her face. Good stuff.

paz out.

October 23, 2004!

Sure i've slacked on updating my site....but hey....nothing can keep me away from my llama!!!!

More to come....

October 16, 2004!

The skyscraper in the picture looks like one of those flat panel TVs.

Here's a little bonus....bored? try one of these albums.

9 of my favorites...

bonus

October 13, 2004!

Pic is old. My teacher is funny. For those of you that dont know, fags are cigarettes in England. If you were walking in London and guy approaches you and he says, "you got a fag on you?" You would most likely say no unless you smoke. I don't recommend asking the same question anywhere around here.

Another thing about words is that "rubber" obviously means condom around here. In canada, the big rubber boots are called "rubbers." Moms all around canada say, "put on your rubbers before you go outside, kids." In england, rubber is the little eraser on your pencil. Kids in england borrow each others' "rubbers" all the time.

payce out.

October 12, 2004!

Don't ask me about the picture.....those guys were crazy. I made a couple of crazy friends that day.

In other news, i'm very tempted to take a few of my textbooks and stick them in a blender and see what happens.

Just a thought.

October 10, 2004!

Rams vs. Seahawks game...wow. Nice comeback. That reminds me of the two times i've had to kick a guy in their balls.

The second time was when a couple guys, two or three years older than me stole my soccer ball and one stood right in front of me and teased me how i'd never see my ball again. I nailed that kid in the sack, picked up the soccer ball that he dropped and ran away so fast, that the second guy couldn't catch me.

The first time was back when i was dancing, my arch-enemy punched me right in the nuts for no reason. I went down quickly. Fortunately, his mom was watching, and she forced him to appologize to me. Under her escort, he came up to me and as he started appologizing. In the middle of him saying sorry, I got up and kicked him with all my might right in the nuts....right in front of his mom.....

The moral of the stories is no matter how much smaller, weaker, or younger you are, even if you are losing, it aint over til it's over...unless you're dead.

October 9, 2004!

It's funny how people need TVs, comps, friends, pets, jobs, money, goals, etc. to be happy.

I don't need any those; just hand me a magic carpet and i'll be set.

Wish list:
1) magic carpet
2) (to be continued)
Yep.

October 8, 2004!

All right, place your bets!!!
The game is on...Team 1: RACE FOR THE CURE SOCCER MOMS
Team 2: LIGHT GREEN ENVIRONMENTALISTS
That was the worst picture i've ever taken in my life.

On another note, i saw a minivan which had its rear looking like a stainless steel refrigerator. Anyone know what make and model that minivan could be? It was DAMN ugly.

chicken + blender = liquid chicken?

October 7, 2004!

What's my favorite jewish holiday, you ask? Well! the answer has to be simchas torah (and in layman's terms, "happy torah." What better day to explain what this baby is than recount a few events from tonight when i celebrated Simchas Torah!

yes, picture 30-40 rabbi-type people and a few me-type people wearing black suits with black or white beards praying seriously for 20 minutes. Suddenly we move to a side room which contains about 1 bottle of vodka for every 2 people. On this holiday, one is encouraged to be "happy" for the sake of receiving the torah. All the rabbi-type people say their blessings and start drinking and sharing vodka as if they just ran a marathon and perhaps confused the vodka for icy water. Keep in mind, i wasn't even close to being the youngest there....

Next, we continued to dance with the torah. One 13-16-year-old used the torah as a battering ram and ran right into a rabbi's crotch. All was forgiven. In a separate incident, one of the kids (he seriously looked like an action figure) started spanking the other drunk kids.....i'm too tired to list all what happened....as for me, well, i can't belive i'm able to write this post with such precision. cheers.

Oomgalooshy

October 6, 2004!

College is great. The sexual humor is everywhere. Just today, in a "physics demonstration" the teacher was demonstrating torque and the volunteer decided to put the demonstration stick right between his hips....in the middle of the audotorium in front of a hundred of so ppl. The teacher then asked the class how long the meter stick was?....to which he immediately answered his own question, 2cm, to insult the volunteer. Also, in track there is now an excercise called "elephantitis" where you look real goofy and "pretend you have big balls." Coach's words, not mine. Now if only i can get a "Mimes" T Shirt with a picture of a mime climbing an invisibe rope on the front.

Word.

Believe it or not....i took the following picture!

October 5, 2004!

This reminds me....the other day i decided to scare a squirrel. I screamed, "boo!" and instead of the furry creature running away, it ran left, then right then left again, right in front of me and then started staring at me. I met my first autistic squirrel that day

yep.

Octobah 4, 2004!

First day of track. This year will be something special.

I'm a nerd. Today, i went to a chess club meeting. These guys were pros. They used terminology as if they were describing some complex medical operation. What struck me the most was their reaction when i said my name....you see when a redneck asks what my name is and i say "vlad" they respond with "commie." When black kids ask what my name is and i tell them, they usually respond with "wtf?" Also when i tell a mexican american my name they usually say "blood?" because the "v"s in spanish are "b"s. Anyways, today in chess club i say, "vlad" and suddenly 4 people gasp and some chessmaster guy says, "omg i'm playing a russian. i'm gonna lose for sure." Apperently russian chess players are some kind of legend.

Respect me, damnit. i play chess.
Peace.

October 3, 2004!

Here's an excerise, stare at the picture for 15 seconds. Afterwards, say the funniest thing you can. I couldn't.

Emotions are a funny thing.

September 30, 2004!

The darkest hour of mines.

Mines is having a artistic contest and i'm thinking of submitting some of my photos. If you peeps think any of the ones i posted on my site should be submitted, let me know via email.

Gousty-> if i submit the "pk's middle finger" pic, i'll give them a good laugh....but i'm wondering about the other consequences.

In other news, i figured out the difference between "news" and "olds." All the new things the TV reports is the news. When they first report about a subject, it is "new." If they report it over and over until the point when you just want to throw something at the tv, it becomes "old." In this case, i'm watching the olds, not the news.

Some people should really nickname themselves "Blah Blah."

September 29, 2004!

the pic came from http://www.eigelb.at/HP/Links/SpecialEffects/Grappa/GrappaWH_White/ play with it. it is fun. like playing with explosives.

that's it for today.

September 27, 2004!

There's the scene from where I park at mines. Beer?

In other news, i'm going crazy. Working for the Democrats and meeting some weird and lousy ppl has caused me to get over my shyness. I can now come up to ppl i have never met before sitting at a table and come up to them and start fiddling with a hair a little bit. Then as i walk off, i smile gently implying, "hey we're friends." Without saying a word, i probably made their day and now they can have an "interesting" conversation with their friends. At Mines, it may be the only interesting conversation they will have all month.

A story from my friend:

He had a hobby going to a stables and taking a a few purses and filling them with horse sh!t. Then he would go to supermarkets or public places leaving a purse right in front of the place. Good samaritans would see that someone lost their purse and they'd pick it up and return it to the counter to which the store ppl would open the purse and be horrified. Others would pick one up and open a purse right away and look away in alarm. Then, there would be the people that would look left and right and then walk away with a purse thinking they stole some goods. The funniest was when a guy took the purse inside a pizza shop and said, "let's see what we have here...." He then dumped the contents upside-down unsuspectingly onto the counter only to realize that suddenly an ugly brown substance emerged from the purse.

good site -> http://www.bsimple.com/

VladdE K paz

September 26, 2004!

The wait is over. Mines football is actually good. They beat some Nebraska team i've never heard of which is apperently pretty good. that means i can post my oh-you-can-barely-make-out-the-green-blob pic of the homecoming game. The lights in the background are supposed to represent hearts symbolizing my love for.....i could care less. I hope they lose the next one.

In other news, a girl asked me if i was from pakistan yesterday??....i realize i took the "wen chenziri" thing too far.

For those of you that don't know, "wen chenziri" is arabic for "where is my pig?" I have been using this catch phrase on and off to anyone looking like they might be arabic. It turns out, most mexicans have no idea what you are talking about when you ask them where their pig is....in arabic....

Do i really look pakistinian?

September 20, 2004!

I was bored today. I came up to a random kid and screamed, "hey bro, i havent seen you in it seems like forever....how has summer been?" He looked at me a little funny, but saw real quickly that i "must" have been serious and he responded, "pretty good, what's your name again?" I answered, "VladdE! and yours is colin?" He said, "no, it's chris." I smiled and screamed, "chris, that's right...how could i forget....listen chris, i'm in a bit of a hurry but it was nice seeing you again. take care bro." I left. Chances are, he couldn't understand how he could "forget" me.

That is the highlight of my day.

If you like trees, this one is a keeper.

September 19, 2004!

Look! i caught a vertically challenged deer staring at my headlights and took a picture of it.

September 18, 2004!

This is one my favorite pics from last winter....a true classic from the dam(n) road.

I probably didn't tell anyone but last summer i was shot multiple times while playing counter-strike. Instead of calling the ambulance i continued playing. I died that day. Multiple times, in fact. No one wished that i would feel better or live....all they said was, stop playing that dumb game. People don't understand that i put my life in danger every round. Here's a solution to overpopulation, real life counter-strike.

I got nothin'

September 14, 2004!

Stuff YOu should KNow!
The study of lightning is called "keraunopathology."
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwartzenegger)
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it!" She blows her top, "You *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. " Oh ****, it's started."

September 13, 2004!

The pic is the scenery i get across from where i park at mines.

Ten ways you know you're automatically successful:
1) You're rich enough to say, i'm hungry, i think i'll go buy McDonalds
2) You're hotter than the time i put my hand on the stove
3) You're smarter than the combined intellectual abilities of Texas
4) You've got the biggest (fill in the blank) ie. hands, stomach, hair, etc.
5) You're a masochist
6) You're autistic
7) You're lucky
8) You're lucky
9) You're lucky
10) You look like black jesus?

I'm none of the above. damn. peace

September 12, 2004!

I've always wondered what would happen if a "special" person started using crack.....would they start acting "normal"?

Today, i watched a bunch of little people running a race near the health science's center. They closed the road for those damn kids and i was late because there was no good detour. Think of the kids...until they get in the way. Then think of ways to eradicate kids. Then i realize how cute they are when they run and i think of the kids again how lovely they are.

Solution: smile at the kids with knife in hand and assertively say, "you kids cut off my way, and i cut you."

I got nothin against the kids...really!

September 11, 2004!

The date reflects the pic.

There are normative statements and positive staments....

Example: A research company concluded that prices are higher for alcohol near college campuses. Therefore, I say I say all college students are alcoholics.

Another Example: In the last quarter a data company said roughly 10% less jobless forms (forms you fill out when you are looking for a job and need compensation while you are jobless) were filled out. Bush immediately announced unemployment decreased. In reality, most of those ppl that stopped filling out jobless forms have given up looking for a job. The public believes unemployment is improving.

Kerry, Bush, and many major figures have lost all credibility for this type of thing.

I respect anyone that can leave their and other's opinion out. Just the facts plz.....it'll never happen....

Paz

September 10, 2004!

Let's make this short and sweet....how many ppl wear wigs?

September 9, 2004!

Not my work for the pic....invent your own caption.

My favorite: Find the Mines student
"Class, who wants more homework?"

September 7, 2004!

Pic isn't mine. Maybe it's gousty's, maybe it is someone else's, but nonetheless it is one of my favorites from a long time ago and has to be reposted.

Meanwhile, in the school of "mimes" i still fail to see the social capabilities of book smart ppl. In other words, a proffy decided to do a fun activity in which groups of ppl had to make a list of 10 things to do to succeed at mines. Every group had almost the same list...sleep, do work, eat, relax,study....etc. Maybe it is one of my classes but has humor gone out of style? I almost cracked a joke but then thought against it. I wouldn't want to give any classmate a heart attack. After all, it may be the first and last joke they hear.

I saw a truck with this written on the back:
"Crime Scene Cleaning
Homicide, Suicide, Accidental death
We work 24 hours a day"

bye

September 6, 2004!

All right. I've been slacking. Big time. I have been updating my crap site as often as you visit your grandma...not very often. What can I say? I've been bizzy? Not really. College, track, parties...eh?

Now i have this new toy called a laptop which i use to play games and screw around. Roark, Rearden, and Dagny Taggard are all very focused people. They never had access to the kind of temptation we have today. If they had toys, they'd be wasting themselves to death....or not....

As a tribute to my slacking, here's a retarted picture of me in the background of katie....which makes me look even more retarted. It's all a matter of perspective. Put me in a lineup with 5 other guys which are missing random body parts, and i look like a sexy beast. That's what's happening at Mines to me. With so many dorky nerdy guys and few dorky nerdy girls, I now expect everyone to be smart and impossible to talk to. Even my standards for women have dropped VERY low....Seeing an attractive chick at mines is like scoring a touchdown....you have to be in the right place, at the right time, and even then......i'm exaggerating.....

Peas...and a bucket of Mr. Buckets!?

August 29, 2004!

A cool name to have would be Jesus Q. Johnson IV.

What if the hamburger had YOU for lunch?

August 20, 2004!

Wen Chenziri?????

If i had a nickel for every time i said that....i could buy myself a 3000GT.

Payce

August 18, 2004!

All good things end. Summer will end in a few days. My last day at work was today. I broke up with my gf last weekend. I graduated high school early this year. Where will life take me next? Where will life take you next? If one can't shed their past and once they miss it all day, they're screwed. who are "they"? I miss the past a little, but i look forward to the future....

Yes!

August 15, 2004!

Here's a post with depth (for once....)

I have nearly managed to separate all my little lives unconciously. In other words, my family life knows almost nothing about my school life which knows almost nothing about my work life which knows nearly nada about computer life, which knows zip about my girls life which knows close to nothing about my friends' life which knows about nothing about my other friends' life.....you get the picture. I have separated them like oil in vinegar. What's better (or worse) is that i usually get treated like i'm a very simple kid since i don't discuss work with friends (usually) etc. However, when situations like me meeting a person that knew 3 parts of my little lives (1 group of friends, another group, and work), i panic, and i can't converse.

Am i the only one with this problem?

August 13, 2004!

Coolest name ever: Trip Mugglestone

Life has a tendency of awing me. Today is one of those days....

ReSt In PeAcE fRiDaY tHe 13tH

August 12, 2004!

Look! It's G(h)ousty!! He looks scary. You should hide. Hiding is a bad idea. If you hide, he will get you. You should run. Running is a bad idea. If you run, he will get you. You should shoot him. Shooting him is a bad idea. If you shoot him, he will shoot you first. I'm all out of ideas. Hey! I don't see you suggesting anything....

I met a felon at work today. I asked him what he did to become a felon. He said aggravated robbery. He also told me he had spent the last 14 years of his life in jail. I told him he didn't need to contribute to the DNC, and if he could get his life together, it would match any vote against gwb.

Hmmmmm

August 11, 2004!

MMMMmmm....my camping trip was fun. There's something interesting about being in an unfamiliar place in the middle of the wilderness without any light and only the new moon (lack of moon), no parents, no electricity (besides a digital camera or two), not knowing what will come next.

When speaking to someone else 7% of the communication are the words. The other 93% are what everybody else recognizes unconciously but can't use conciously. Sad :(

Wen Chenziri?!?! (where is my pig????)

August 8, 2004!

Is the pic photoshopped? NO. Thnx to some greeeaattt long exposure by jen, we have what we have....

MMMM....i'm going camping in nebraska. I'll be gone for a few days. That means anyone reading this site will have to find other things to do. I suggest staring at the clouds or hunting midgets. Those are my favorite.

Hasta manana despues del manana despues del manana despues....

August 7, 2004!

Sometimes, a picture doesn't tell the whole story. Less than a second after this shot, my 6 year year old cousin, which was standing right under the basketball hoop (not smart, for starters) was hit abruptly and viciously in the cheek. She cried right after.
Moral of the story? Pay attention when people are about to dunk a basketball in your face.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Piece. Evil Piece.

August 4, 2004!

Sticks and stones could break my bones (see pic[in case you are a nutcase and don't know what sticks and stones are]), but words would never hurt me. That was my philosophy at work. I don't care how ppl yell at me. Yesterday was different. Federal Heights is NOT a great place to canvass because it is dangerous. In about 5 hours of canvassing i met 10 white ppl, 2 of them illiterate. The rest is history.... I met a couple cops on a stake out. I saw a few houses with bullet holes and eviction notices, etc. I would approach a house (more like a shack) and say, "hi do you want to help defeat bush??" The usual response was either "no se halba ingles" or just laughter. Apperently gang neighborhoods don't care about politics....AT ALL.

I lied. They do care who shot their third cousin twice removed, and then they go after them.

That was pointless. Peace.

August 1, 2004! (part 2)

Photoshop is fun. Sadly, only gousty will understand the cartoon....

August 1, 2004!

There comes a point in everyone's life when they feel small compared to larger things. This is one of those times for me. I felt small compared to my little brother standing on a restroom. Yes, it smelled terrible up there, but it made him feel big. How do you feel, big or small? (or medium)

i love it when people walk into clear glass walls when they think there is nothing there. It makes me giggle inside.

July 31, 2004! (Part 2!?)

I took a Simpsons personality test and guess who i was?
Take it here:

test me now

July 31, 2004!

Look at me! I'm a lake. I'm so pretty. I reflect the trees. I reflect the sky. I am real. This is what nature would say if it could talk.

In other news, the elections are coming up. Here's my 2 cents: Kerry is corrupt, Bush is corrupter. If i were you, i'd vote for the least corrupt candidate i know, me, of course. I'm honest, anti-lazy, educated, and poor. A write in vote for me would put this country into a path of goodness. Vladdy 2004!

Hope you recognized the sarcasm. If you didn't, call me, I'll have them send men in white robes quickly to your residence where they'll take you to a place with soft walls and special people....paradise.

July 30, 2004!

I wish i could do that....nuff said.

July 27, 2004!

Funniest pic in the history of pics. Who can create the funniest caption? Here's mine: "look at me, i got a lil' one!"

Work was cruel. Today is a fasting day (Tisha B Av). Anyways, i had to stand next to king soopers canvassing for money. I don't mind the talking, but when the sweet aromas drift next to me every time the automatic doors of the king soopers open and i get to smell the fresh vegetables and crispy italian bread.....it drives me crazy.

However, many funny things happened to me today at work. First, one lady WAITED for me to go home. She thought democrats were crazy, so she said to me "go home" and then waited.....weird. Another Republican lady got mad at me and decided to kick me. She was around 80 years old!!! it didn't hurt but that was just rude. Also, a guy took a piss in front of king soopers. He looked around, apperently missing me and my red shirt, unzipped his pants, moved between two vending machines, and did his thing. Right after he zipped himself up, he realized i was right there watching him....he got embarrassed and walked inside the king soopers. THERE ARE PUBLIC BATHROOMS AT KING SOOPERS. Wierd day.

PeAcE! Sowwy for the LLLLLLLOOOOONNNNNGGGGG post.

July 25, 2004!

The following is my new favorite word.
The the picture is the scene from lookout mountain of Denver.
The big street is Colfax, the longest continuous street that doesn't change its name in the US!

Peace.
Word.

SCRAPEFRUIT

July 24, 2004!

The other day i got scared....(see picture) I was driving south bound on I-25 and i witnessed a semi right in front of me have its tire blow out. Luckily the biggest chunk of tire missed my car by a few feet but the little (evil) pieces went everywhere. First time i have ever witnessed a rain of rubber.

In other news, Alphabetic Aerobics by Blackalicious is a great song. The dude raps verse after verse with every word in a verse starting with the same letter A... A... A... A........B....B...B..B.., etc. Fun stuff. Check it out.

Kerry was in CO today. I canvassed the lines of people that were waiting to see him. In a nutshell I approached people with a "hi, do you want to help defeat Bush?"....They laughed at me and said things like, "yes, i like bush" sarcastically knowing that everyone waiting for a kerry rally must hate bush. The moral of the story is people that go on rallies are so one-minded people should punch them for it. Here's my short short poem about politics:

Politics
I don't like republicans.
I don't like democrats either.
I like people that think.

July 21, 2004!

The summer days have gone by like chicken. One day the little beasts are alive and well. The next day all i recognize is a Hot and Spicy McChicken sandwich. I've already been to the mountains twice this week. I don't know why ppl like the mountains but if i pretend i'm happy, no one yells at me for hating them. The pic on the bottom is a lake in a mirror. Fun stuff.

Work is unusual, as usual. I'm starting to hate the ppl that say they don't have any cash or credit card on them when i saw them purchasing a hot dog a minute ago from a hot dog stand. Liers. They're going to hell. There's no question about that. But they don't know it. Yet i do!

Have fun. Don't lie. Play it safe.

This whole post was sketch, chachi!

July 11, 2004!

Don't you hate it when you think someone is following you and you realize it is your shadow? That's never happend to me. However, when birds fly over and their shadow corresponds, i get freaked out. Today, i saw a bird's shadow and i almost fell into a gutter. Sad day for the human population. I lower the average iq by a little bit.

Peace

July 8, 2004!

There sure are a lot of people in this world. There should be some guiness record for number of ppl seen in a lifetime. That would be impossible to track. Also, there is no reason to track this. I have concluded that i have seen roughly 100,000 people....anyone want to confirm this?

Work was fun....as usual. Today I come up to a house with a jaguar and a miada parked in the driveway with a John Kerry sticker on each bumper. I was sure i'd make some serious money off this house for the Democratic National Committee....I give the people my speech and they tell me they're broke, unemployed, and can't give me anything because they can barely afford their house. At that moment i turned around, took a glimpse into their driveway. They shut the door on me. All in all, i had a wonderful day.

I'm gonna major in peaceology.

Can you spot the rainbow in the pic?

July 7, 2004!

Apprently, around 5 diff ppl on average visit my site each day! That means i should really explain a few things about myself....My name is Vlad Kaufman. I was born in Belarus. I like midgets. That is everything you should know about me.

Work was fun. I was asked to marry to a girl at work. I had lunch with a bunch of Russians. All in all, very productive day.

BTW, pic for kristin....damn speedy norgies

July 6, 2004!

Why is the grass green? Why do birds chirp? Where do babies come from? Why am I asking these questions? The answer to all of these questions comes to me when i look at PavelJesus. Earlier, I posted a pic of jesus and what happens when you shop at walmart. This is the sequel. The grass is green because of chloraphyll. Birds chirp to communicate to other birds that they are hungry. Babies come from mommies. I am asking these questions to get to this point: PavelJesus answers questions.

Work was fun. I canvassed with an 6 foot 7 african american named steve. I looked like a midget compared to him. I wish i was 6 foot seven. I wish my name were steve. I wish other people looked like midgets compared to me.

Peace. Remember to put the milk in the fridge.

July 5, 2004!

What happens when you put a bunch of cds on your wall?? It looks real cool. It sort of looks like a mirror with a rainbow. Very psychadelic yet not so. Definitely something to do when bored.

I have to work today while most ppl get to lazily lounge on their lounge chairs... I am so excited! NOT.

July 4 was fun. The downtown fireworks were great but we were too far to see anything spectacular. In other words, we were lying in the middle grassy area of a major street about 2 miles away from the action. Could have been better. Could have been worse.

Peace.

July 4, 2004!

Might as well update for the hell of it. Happy Independence Day for the hell of it. Also, it is really hard canvassing in the rain...just saying for the hell of it. Imagine being soaked for hours. Your mouth beecomes frozen, etc. By canvassing i mean going door to door asking ppl for money when you are as frozen as an eskimo missing his eskimo suit. yes, work is tough.

In other news, i realized that posting is really fun, and i'll begin to tell more of my work stories and post more...until then. choiu.

June 17, 2004!

Might as well update....

Happy Birthday Kitty. The picture shows her photoshopped. Pretty cool if you ask me. I didn't even do that. Jen did. Anyways, as most ppl know, ,i have a job: i go door to door, i suck the money out of ppl while bashing bush. I like it.

Quote of the Day:
Vlad: Hi, i'm with the Democratic National Commission...
Old Rep: A Democrat?
Vlad: Yes!
Old Rep: Well that's wrong. You should be on the other side. Good Bye.

June 3, 2004!

I just realized websites don't update themselves.

In other words, i'm too lazy to update my site.

In other words, i don't think i'll update this site too often...which i have been hardly doing anyways.

()() Peace
\--/

May 21, 2004!

Lets make this short and sweet. My last day of school. No more Walmart. No more waiting for freshmen with the heavy backpacks to clear the halls, no more angry teachers yelling at me, you get the jist.

Also, there was this thing called state track today. I placed 9th in the 800m. Good, bad, fine? We also qualified the 4*400 for tomorrow. We'll see what happens. Tomorrow: state track and prom....hmmmm. Too much to say and so little time. Wish i could do everything i wanted to do but...thnx world....you suck sometimes. Right now you're awesome though. Am i talking to world again? Ooops.

Thnx world.

May 17, 2004!

Wowzers, i haven't updated my site in 7 days. That's almost as long as a week. I'd first like to thank Pax for helping me with the Itenirary. Second, I'd like to say that prom is this Saturday; Last day of school is this Friday; State track and field is this friday and saturday. Important? sure.

Lets make this entry as bestest as possible. How many midgets does is take to change a light bulb? 14. 13 for the totem pole and 1 to change the bulb. I wish i were a midget. The advantages are i would be able to squeeze into tight spaces, wear children's clothing, and attract people of all sorts. The disadvatages would be that i would be able to squeeze into tight spaces, wear children's clothing, and attract people of all sorts. Sounds like fun. All i need is a shrinking device. Calling all Einsteins, get to work. NOW!!!

Practice safe eating. Use condiments.

Peace.

May 10, 2004!

The happy sunny day is here. The bulk of my AP tests are finished. For the first time in a while, i'm going to sleep like a puppy. As the saying goes, you win some; you lose some. In a short while, I'll find out how i do...AP tests, track expectations, life, etc. Life is one giant ladder and the only way to feel good at the top is to start at the bottom. I'll try to post more from now on.

Don't think too hard. Peace.

May 5, 2004!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!!! Feliz Cumpleanos a Mexico, Feliz Cumpleanos a Mexico, Feliz Cumpleanos a ti. If you do NOT speak Spanish, that doesn't concern you. If you DO speak Spanish, that doesn't concern you either. For this cinco de mayo, i had a few cervezas with mi amigos, hit the baro, hit on some latinos, later hit some latinos as well. It was splendid. That was a great dream. In reality, I went to school, didn't see any latinos, and only receive a HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO from a white girl. Splendid as well.

The following picture will disturb you. How many times were you sitting in a desk in middle school and wondered can i stick my BIG head through this SMALL chair....you would be an idiot to try it. The boy shown below is my new role model.

Adios, somos amigos

May 3, 2004!

The beginning of the end is here....AP tests start this week. Am i as nervous as a suspect in front of a firing squad? No. Am i as calm as the wind inside my room with my windows closed? Yes. I should be studying, panicking, reviewing, and asking questions. Well, i'm playing games, sleeping often, ignoring my reviews, and asking questions.....1 out of 4 ain't bad.

Lets play a game....I'm going to remove all the consanants from my words.....lets see what happens!!!

I i oe oi a a eeaaauau

I said, this is more boring than an elephantasauraus.
You can play along, too! just pretend you are a screaming woman that has a banana in her mounth and keep changing your pitch.

Ea o eeyoe! <--- imaginary cookie for anyone that can figure this one out...

May 2, 2004!

Happy May. May I just say, it just may snow in May on a May day. Mayday. I'm taking a break from mowing the lawn. In other words, i get to play terorist\assasin\serial killer. I go around my yard killing little grasslings. When i think about every little grass-thing i've killed, that makes me a terrible terrible boy. I should be punished, but grassees don't have feelings, you know.

Back to murdering.....peace.

April 27, 2004!

I think I'm getting to the point where if I don't get some real rest and start cutting down my work down, I'm going to go *poof*. Poof can mean many things. For instance, i've already ignored my shaving and i look like a bizzy beaver...I can't focus on anything non-academical (like when i'm trying to pick up my bro from soccer and i end up driving to my house which is the opposite way from my school)....also, I'm mumbling nonstop so if you can't understand me, don't worry, i don't understand myself either. No worries, though....AP tests are in a few weeks and i'll be as free as 5-year-old kid in a candy store without adults.

I'd like to also reiterate my opinion on the "justice" system. Instead of capital punishment and retribution, etc. we should make criminals study for exams all their life. Sitting in a cell is the easy way out. Instead of donating food and water to the needy, I say we give them each a Halladay Resnick Version 6 Physics textbook. The future would look bright....if they could read....damn illitarate hippies....peace (is what they would say so....)

must. get. hippie. place. in. guillotine. achieve. bliss. then. eternal. peace!

PS. would be the letters between O and T if Q & R were removed....i'm actually in a good mood!

April 26, 2004!

Why am i not posting regularly? WORK. I have endless fizix, an onslaught of math, wasteoftimeful reading of Peter Pan, endless European reading, Spanish Reading, other novels, Jewish studying, running track, lifting, doing chores, cleaning up after myself....i could keep on going, but i won't. If i had a chance to throw one coordinated punch at life, i would. You see, life a tricky sort. Life always acts kind and pretends everything is for the better when suddenly, life nails your right between your thighs. That's right, life pretends to be nice....the secret is knowing when life is about to get tough...that is when i throw a sucker punch at life....and i miss....and life hits me hard. Oh, if i ever get a good grip on life....i'd beat the crap out of life.

All better; i feel happy, serene, tranquil, wonderful... i will now return to my jolly brown desk with my jolly white papers doing my jolly fun homework. Oh boy! i'm excited! I could use a jolly rancher, too!

Bye bye say the pigs that fly!

April 24, 2004!

Track meet wasn't bad. 3rd place in the open 400 and 2nd place in the 4*800...we qualified it for state. yay!

Ready to be disturbed? (if you are the complaining or wincing type, do not read the rest of this post)

Word: Nagasaki A Bomb

Definition: When in the act of taking a dump in one of multiple stalls, (ie: Sporting events, Airports, Restaurants) an individual takes the stall directly adjacent to yours, while others are clearly available. Immediately after wiping, take a log of your own out of the bowl and throw it over the stall onto the overbearing and unexpectant neighbor. Before scurrying out of the john, flicker the lights a few times to emulate the power going out, then leave it off completely and run. Make sure to clean your hands later.

Usage Example: I was taking a dump at the Jet game and some bastard takes the stall right next to mine and starts dropping some rank diarrhea. So I let him have it with the Nagasaki A-Bomb. That will teach that asshole.

(credit to http://www.turdwords.com/viewWord.cfm?wordID=3097)

April 21, 2004!

There is a point in everybody's life when their brain becomes full...in other words, i hit that point; i don't believe i can process any more information. Lately, with mountain ranges of work (notice i didn't say mountains...that would be like saying i was a midget) i am beginning to forget people's names, the dates, posting on my webiste, remembering to go to the bathroom.....you know. I've become a vegetable and the next logical place for me is the insane asylum. There, i can learn nothing all day.
I'm still learning of this concept of being lazy....i used to be very good at being lazy but now i'm just thump. (the sound of me banging my head against the desk.

Below, a picture describes accurately and precisely how i, a watermelon feel. I don't want to kill myself. I just want to kill other watermelons....but not in real life. I should play more counter-strike.

El Chupacabra = goat sucker. You. Peace.

April 19, 2004!

I thought of a joke...that means it isn't very good but what the hell...

A lazy bum named Daffy was hanging his clothes neatly on a clothes line when he heard the TV mention his lottery numbers that he picked every week. He won!! Suddenly, although he had all the money in the world, his luck turned opposite. The day after winning, he tripped over a stray dog, he was hit by a bird that died midair, and a lion that escaped from the nearby zoo bit him 32 times. So after months of spending time in hospitals, Daffy attributed these strings of bad luck to animals; he decided to hire a cheap and illiterate bodyguard to protect him around animals. The very next day he was walking with his main man when he saw a goose in the middle of the park. Daffy motioned to his foolish bodyguard to scout the goose, but when the goose clumbsilly began to fly in Daffy's direction, the bodyguard shot the goose. Although Daffy was outraged he let this transpire without asking questions. So, for days, as animals would approach Daffy; they would be shot and Daffy was unscratched for days. One day the two men were walking home when Daffy said to his guard, "i'd really like to thank you for everything you're doing for me."
To which the bodyguard replied, "Daffy Duck."
"What, you want to go to Disneyland?", asked Daffy.
"Daffy Duck now!"
But it was too late....Daffy didn't have time to duck..he walked into the clothesline that he had put his clothes on months ago and managed to brake his neck and died.
Weird huh?
Have a wonderful day!

April 16, 2004!



So i made a comic. I was bored. It was fun. From now on, instead of posting them on my site, i'll just put them on www.gousty.com with all the other jolly comics. There, you can comment and do all the special things one can't expect from my POS site.



Late.

April 15, 2004!

Happy "hi fives day." If anyone needs a high five, just ask.

Track is going amazing. Yesterday, i ran a 49.04 400m. In other words, that's easily one of the top 5 fastest high school times in Colorado for the 400. I'd also like to thank the Denver Post for posting the season's top track times so far in yesterday's paper. So far, I've got the 3rd fastest time in the 800m (1:57.64) in the state, booyah!!

What happens if you see someone in the hallway and you aren't exactly sure what their name is, but you say, "hey, (insert person's name)," but later you aren't sure if that really is their name. Now i feel very funny. Unfortunately, I'm fairly bad with names. Example: I didn't know a kid's name for about 2 years always saying, "hey man"...or using "you" extensively.... Now i don't know if i got that person's name right. At least I know, getting the name wrong is better then what i did a few months ago. I wanted to say hi to a person but i temporarilly forgot their name so i just said, "heyyyyyyyyyyyyy....(pause, trying to spit out the name) when i just caughed at them. They thought i just had experienced some sort of seizure, but i was just being stupid.

Right, have a day!

April 14, 2004!

Nother day, nother great day. I had a track meet today; the best word to describe it would be massive slaughter. So i got to run the sprint medeley (100, 100, 200, 400) where i run the 400 against probably the top 2 runners in the state. Thanks to my decent team, i was 20 meters behind the 2 when i received my baton (the stick thing in a relay) what came next is i caught up to the first guy and outsprinted him in the end. The other guy bareley beat me....my time was a 49.0. Elephant butter. Boooyah.

Before i collapse, i must finish this post. Finished. NO, i'm not Finnish!!! Eh?

Buh Bye yo?

April 13, 2004!

Word of the day: throat yogurt. (yes, that's 2 words)

Why didn't i post yesterday? Was i busy? Was i doing physics? Did i have more important things to do? Was something broken...fingers? Internet connection? Brain?
No.
No.
No.
No.
No, no, no.

I'm a bum...i didn't really do hw for 2 days and now i finally decided to do something. Am i a bum? No. I got more homework done in 1 hour today than i projected for the 2 past days. You may call me einstein if you wish. In other words, usually i do my hw at the speed of a world class sprinter. Today, i was a porche cruising at 90. Unreal.

Now that i'm pretty much done, i'll do something as improductive as anything, i'll stare at the wall. MMMMmmm, wall....

Serenity.

April 11, 2004!

Happy Easter? Sure. Yesterday, it snowed almost all day...today i can't even put on pants. It is soo hot. And it was so snowy yesterday that the track meet got cancelled. Sowwy about not posting yesterday; i got ahead of my self and thought i posted; i didn't. In fact, i did almost nothing all day....for the first time in a year, i think. Bum. I'm attacking myself again. *Shakes head*

think of the squirrels. They have a hard time adapting to the weather.

April 9, 2004!

Pretty busy, so here's the scoop: my track meet for tomorrow is cancelled (rain/slow). i guess i'll be having some serious fun? I like hello kitty now. Why? i do not have a snowball's chance in hell of a clue. Done posting. sorry about that short post. My mind is elsewhere.

Peacearoony.

April 8, 2004!

what goes, step step step whoooooosh step step step? http://www.skateboardingbulldog.com/tysonskating.WMV A puppy that can skateboard! It is so cool that i demand a dog like that. All i ask is that Oliver (Kristin's stocky, white, lazy, untalented, alientated, lonely puppy) learn to do that. Wow, if i saw a person do that, i wouldn't care, but a puppy...i sometimes think that animals are smart. i sometimes think that special olympics people are dumb. It's all relative....wtf am i talking about? done

So geography was fun the other day. Lets get the facts down: i'm a little too hyper in that class and now everyone makes fun of me, and only me; the teacher strokes (litterlly plays with me hair) me randomly in front of everyone else while she is teaching and other good stuff. The other day the teacher was taking pictures of the class (which she always does) and she realized after taking a pic of the class, she realized she had an extra picture. So someone suggested i be in a picture with all the girlies. So i quickly agreed...i put on my macho pose, the boys laughed at the girls to "get on Vladdy" and so i had a few lady friends slumped on me, touching my tummy, etc. Quite a sight, i'd say. I feel pretty good about meself. I deserve a cookie.

Wish you saw that....late

April 7, 2004!

For reference, the picture below is of 2 camel spiders from iraq. they eat insects, lizard and BIRDS. No need to fear though....they have feelings like you and me.

There comes a point in everyone's life when they realize they are no longer a little boy, but a man. I haven't reached that point yet. 2 nights ago at the seder i watched my dad be completely drunk. 1 night ago i did hours-worth of physics. What does this mean? Nothing. If there was 1 word to describe my mind it would be a nomad. If there were 4 words to describe me, they would be severe, squirly, ironclad, and barefoot. If there was one word to describe what i am talking about, it would be gibberish.

Now for the point: (you thought that was pointless, didn't you [please admit it {admit it!}]) The world is chaotic, and even a butterfly's wings in Tazmania can change the weather patterns right here at home. You can't predict anything. The world is too complex! or is it too simple for us?

Shalom -EP

April 6, 2004!

Why didn't i post yesterday? In short, i was busy. In long, physics, track, passover, spanish, english, chores, allergies, sleep, jenya. My apo polly logies; won't happen again unless it does. No guarantess. Picture represents a good deal about how i felt.

Why am i posting today? Because i feel like Einstein. I just finished a week's worth of fizx homework in 1.5 hours. In fact, i didn't even read the chapter or paid attention in class. I just derived my own junk (which wasn't even in the book) and worked from there. The answers matched. Me gets a cookie. do YOU want a cookie too? i suggest reduced food at Walmart. Although some people have serious beef against multilargegiganticmonopolistic corporations, Walmart keeps their prices low with that smiley face and always has cool employees like mario and that 70 year old greeter lady that waves and smiles at us every day when we enter walmart and waves and smiles at us every day when we exit walmart. I wish i could hold my smile for that long. She must be the happiest person in the world.

Almost lost my mind, mir.

April 4, 2004!

I did something i have never done before in my life: i kareyokied yesterday. Seeing as i can't spell the word, i didn't know what kareoishouldnotevenbetrying was. After actually singing, i realized 2 things:
1) i cant sing
2) other people can sing
In fact, everyone BUT me can sing. I blame it on my vocal cords taking a day off hitting some sun in Florida. Not that i have any vocal cords, of course. What really made me happy was that i got to sing Gangster Paradise by Coolio himself. Although no one else even knew the song, i think, it was a song i heard more than once. Next step: this white boy will start rapping? in my dreams. Well, i can't even picture THAT in my dreams. I'll stick to walking and talking. Lets put it this way, I'm the Rockies and singing is the Red Sox...in other words, singing is WAY out of my league. All in all, Kareokythisisjustnotmyword was very fun. Good idea, Kristin.

I'm thirsty and you can be too!
Whenever anything goes wrong, just remember, orange juice is delicious. MORE DELICIOUS THAN GREEN TEA. Okies, later.

April 3, 2004!

What's worse....having a million things to do OR having nothing to do? I'm bored to tears and i'd rather have a million things to do. Now some of you may say, uncle vladdy, i wish i had nothing to do...well, let me put it to you this way, you are as wrong as my third grade teacher that said you can't have negative numbers. I really need to find something to do...like NOW.

I could read the following:
http://labworks.hms.harvard.edu/thriller/
http://www.linguistlist.org/issues/9/9-253.html
or i could continue figuring out things to do

OK, bye bye.

April 2, 2004!

Let's make this short and sweet. Spring break is over (me sits in corner and cries like a baby without a candy). Being a lazy bum, i didn't get as much work done as i wanted to, but i spent some quality time with kjo. As far as school is concerned, i feel like a rubber chicken. Do i feel useless, still, and rubbery? NO, i just want to be associated as far away from school as possible.

The below picture is what you do to someone's office that you hate. I hate no one, except that one dude in third grade that stole my magic marker but that's a different story. Muhahahahapeace.

April 1, 2004!

Today wasn't bad. So i woke up around 7 o'clock, played some computer games and went to practice. As i was driving home from practice this giant red semi tried to switch lanes and avoiding it, i swerved 2 lanes. Unfortunately, there was a sheet of ice and my car fishtailed until it went over the railing and i was flung from my maxima some 15 meters into a ditch. Thinking that i was too far from the highway i tried climbing up the hill back to the highway. I think my legs were both broken. As i was climbing, there was a hole in the ground...curiously, i looked down and right at that moment, a gust of wind emerged and pushed me down the hole. Screaming while i was falling, i thought i was going to die, but eventally i landed on a soft dinosaur. I met the owner of it and he said he was bored and wanted to play a game. I told him i was in intense pain so he decided to heal me, and i felt really good then like a schoolgirl. After playing yahtzee for 3 hours, he said i could go. I told him i couldn't fly so he shotputted me straight out of the hole, except he threw me with so much power i went WAY over the highway and up into the atmosphere. After making a few revolutions around Earth, gravity brought me down and i landed on a cloud. Luckily a nice lady saw me and decided to help me. She had many pets including fluffy monkeys and hot turtles! One hot turtle gave me a cup of chocolate but i hated chocolate so i spit it out and the lady got really mad. She tried chasing after me....i ran away from her but suddenly i fell from the cloud. I then landed on an airplane right on the windshield of the 747. I kindly waved to the pilots and they had a good laugh. Unfortunately, i couldn't maintain my balance and i fell some more. This time, right as i was about to hit the ground a bird name Jigga Doo grabbed my collar and saved my life. Unfortunately, she only wanted me because i was excellent food for her little birds. I decided it wasn't worth it when suddenly i decided i was bored and i threatened the bird that i would eat her. Jigga Doo got really scared and decided to carry me home. Luckily, i came back before daddy was mad and all's good.

Carefully look back at the date and ponder away.

March 31, 2004!

I'm sort of a burrito. (aburrido = spanish for bored) This has been the most productive yet possibly most boring spring break in the history of spring breaks. Today i managed to pretty up the garden, run track and do hours of homework. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. No i haven't been near a car all day. (if you don't get the last sentence, see previous 3 sentences)

In other notes, i will open up the idea box of "things to do." If YOU know anything fun to do....something other than talking and playing computer games, i'd like to know. Thanks to school, I seem to have forgotten how to have fun and need suggestions quick. If anyone knows something fun to do...ANYTHING...please tell me <----this is NOT a joke.

March 30, 2004!

Spring Break is great. At this moment I am forced to stay home because our basement flooded and the repairman has been working on it for hours and he must have an 18+ year old in the house. In other words, i'd like to thank the giant tree in our backyard and its roots for attacking the pipes and backing up the gunk for dozens of feet. Other than that, i like spring break. Please hand me a chainsaw and i will settle my conflict with the tree appropriately.

Nevertheless, it is HOT outside. Two days ago it was 70 degrees followed by a 2 hour blizzard followed by nearly 70 degrees in the late afternoon. Boy, i like colorado. All we need now is hailstones the size of a cadillac. I wouldn't mind it too much. I'm just bored and anything out of the ordinary would stretch the smile on my face which is currently approximately 1 inch. Calling all aliens, midgets, pranksters, etc. If you want to do something interesting, please do it now! Vladdy needs you!

Waiting....

March 29, 2004!

Sowwie about yesterday's post. There was a malfuntion thingy. My bad. All cleared up, just like the war in Iraq. Today, i will discuss movie ideas.

Gousty suggested: In short, imagine walking through a hallway as you pass all kinds of people all talking on their cell phones except you can hear exactly what they are saying and they are talking to YOU.

Kitty suggested (with a little of my help): first, since i have no idea what it is called in english i will define a matreshka as one of those russian toys in which there is a toy lady, you open her up and there is another toy lady and you open her up and there is another toy lady.....

Imagine a life-size, pregnant-looking matreshka holding a nail file pointed down trying to sacrifice a scared little boy lying on a desk.

My idea: Although it would be VERY hard to film, imagine someone struggling through a room, except the gravity keeps being switched upsidedown. So he's walking and then he falls up, hitting the ceiling, now the floor, and he's wondering, ummmm. ow. As soon as he stop wondering about it, he falls up back to how he originally was.

Nuff sci-fi (if that's what you wanna call it)

Peace.

March 28, 2004!

I just need to pour a steaming hot cup of go and kill yourself on my cousin's internet connection. Is it possible for the internet to crash 4 times in 12 minutes? YES. (correction, make it 5 now) Kind of hard to work when it crashes, boots back up, and crashes again. I know how a disgruntled postman feels.

So, before the connection dies again, peace, yo?

March 27, 2004!

Can you tell that i'm happy? of course you can't. Nevertheless, the track meet went well. In running the open 800m, i was very very close to losing my shoe but in the end, i took third and qualified for state. I don't think that's bad at all for coming back from an injury. I didn't run a race for about 3 weeks before this. The 2 guys that beat me will be good competition at state. 1:57.6 was my time btw.

In other news, there is no other news. Therefore i'll just tell ppl what they should know. Pax: soy sauce does NOT go with fruity altoid things. Matt: try not to get too cooked (sunburnt) out there; you took 7th in the pole vault. Kyle: nice to see you again...*tear*. Kjo: miss you; we should go on a distance run Sun - libby's orders. Hannah: straight pride. Fallon: stay smart? (for lack of better words, apo-polly-logies)

March 26, 2004!

Spring Break!!! need i say more? yes. SPRING BREEEEAAAK!!!!
How happy am i? see below.

Track meet tomorrow. It is called DPS and i will be running the open 800m and competing with the best. Today's practice was nice. I love running barefoot, especially on the astroturf. That green stuff can really give a good massage. I can't waste my first days of SPRIIIINNGGG BREEEEAAAKKK!!! on the computer. Peace.

Just kidding, i can.

March 25, 2004!



Well, the presidential elections are coming. The leading candidate, 'W' joked today, "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere." Haha, NO. I could write pages about how "great" of a candidate George Bush would be for another 50 pages (attacking defenseless countries on trivial bases, etc) but i will restrain myself. Who will i vote for? No one. My vote doesnt count. In fact, in the last, more like all of the presidential elections the nearest vote was last year. The vote was determined by 500 votes. Wow! Even if i lived in florida and voted my vote wouldn't count. Point made.



I am in La-La Land. This is where i am dancing with a chinese midget named Vladimir Gonzalez O'Reilly wearing cowboy boots and a cowboy hat singing, "yo, yo ma' homie" as if he was black. Try to picture that and you can be in La-la land, too! Unfortunately, i have a relentless assualt of homework, and i must focus. Any suggestions?



Pic is of my brain, btw. Peace, eh?

March 24, 2004!

You know those times when your (evil brutish severe antagonistic horrible uncaring devilish) teachers decide to give rivers of work and you KNOW you won't get everything done? I've always liked those challenges. The secret is to turn off your brain and simply work, just like a child chasing an ice cream truck. You know the goal ahead of you; giving up is not an option. MUST GET ICE CREAM (work done) was the only thing on my mind. Now the work is over. I feel relieved. Maybe it is just because i just visited the restroom.

Anyways, summer is coming. Things that i think of when i think of summer: phrisbee, sun, shorts, sprinklers, cemetary....that's because i worked there last summer. Well, something like 2 months of school remain, and i feel like a pet. Not a teacher's pet sort; the sort that lies around the house all day doing nothing. I wish i lied around the house doing nothing. Wait!! i have to eat, do hw, run, chores, blah blah blah...bah, blasphemy. The pic is our yard last year. Spring Break next week for me.

w00t!! m00!! (eye sux @ speeling bye duh' weigh)

March 23, 2004!

Too tired. 12PM. Need sleep. Screw it. See pic below.

CYAZZZZzzzz....

March 22, 2004!

Now before i talk about the picture below...which i know is probably itching at your brain...or not, i will digress. What's better than going to school? Going to school, missing the first 4 periods for the AIME (American Invitational Math Examination), having 5th and 6th period off, and sleeping during 8th, fizx, which i always do. I must say, the day should be almost as good as the euro field trip.

Now, the picture below, is a close up of a bagel and its poppy seeds. (insert wtf, omg, err'g?) Kind of feels good to be big. (almost said bing lol) For you "intellectuals" (you know who you are), "kind of" is not propper grammar. Anyways, the March Madness tourney is ridiculous and i will just say, Glug.

Button rhymes with Mutton rhymes with Glutton. Peace.

March 21, 2004!



What's on the menu today, eh? Homework with a touch of homework with a side of homework. Do you want some homework with that? NO. If you are wondering if the picture below is of the moon, you are WRONG. It is a picture of the ground in Castle Rock. We are in a drought, here in Colorado. If you want to help the situation, donate water. Speaking of donations, if you want to help out uncle vladdy, please send the answers to the fizx hw: ch 28 and the answers to the next 3 tests. The following will greatly facilliate my lazy bum life.



The next question on your mind is probably why would I, in my intsy-wintsy mind would i ever put up a picture of the moon? (ground in CO) the answer is...well...this is one of those anti-drug (rather anti-hw) commercials: this is what my brain looks like after hours of hw.



May the day go your way, i say....k? <---that was (insert favorite racial/sexual/bad word here).

March 20, 2004!

Back from a hiking trip in Castle Rock State Park or something. Before the trip, i liked nature. Now i'm sick of it. I think i even got a sunburn in the snowiest month of March. I liked the fresh air, the dead grass, and 1:1 human to dog ratio on the trail. So many pets...WOW. I thought a lot of ppl would go on the trip, but i just went with pax, daddy, and jen. All in all, we played phrisbee and walked. Not TOO intersting, but definitely better than sittying on my glutious maximus, driving my maxima, or doing hw to the max...you get the picture. (see pic below)

Another thing, i want to make a movie this summer, a great one at least. Something in the terms of comedy and drama. Of course, we'll need the proper equipment, personnel, plot, etc. If anyone has suggestions, please email me..vladdykauf@yahoo.com

* || *
PPeeaaccEE

March 19, 2004!

Whoa, Usual Suspects is a GREAT movie. i highly suggest watching it. Along with momento, clockwork orange, etc. that is one of the best movies i ever watched. Makes you wonder...really. On to more real matters.

Have you ever realized that people lie? I mean in general, people lie. Polls, statistics, etc compiled based on people's opinions are lies. (See Dewey Presidential election) Anyways, i've noticed it is VERY hard to tell the truth from the lies. Even on a smaller scale, it is hard to sense sarcasm. When someone says "i like chicken" they can mean 24000 dozen things. My advice is to stop thinking about that as i'm doing because it only confuses one to a point....you get it.

Congrats to my buddy Matt for dominating the pole vault today. Kickass job and congrats. If you wonder what he looks like, see below....

March 18, 2004!

Happy wedding aniversary to my grandparents! 61 years of being together. Wow! If i had a dollar for every time they celebrated their anniversary, i'd have $61. Wow!

As for the upcoming important matters, i just have to confess how much i love panda express. Not only do i smother the lucious noodles down my fragile throat, but i also pummel the savory orange chicken along with the delicious black pepper chicken with its flagrant aroma. Yum Yum gimme some. It may be expensive, but it's all worth it (especially when just made from the kitchen).

So i confuse many things in class. This one hairy kid said, "get a life" to this other smart-ass kid. I thought he said, "get a wife," and suddenly i began thinking about all the reprecussions prequisites of getting a wifey and i missed everything the teacher said for about half-an-hour. I concluded that i am confused. I concluded that because i haven't had any free time (cs kill time, stare at the wall time, or beat up jen time, etc.) for months. Time to guillotine the school.

Long live cocoa the talking monkey. Day.

March 17, 2004!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!! Who the hell is Mr. Patrick anyways....i sure have no clue. Do YOU?

Now for the important stuff: although most ppl don't realize it, there ARE stereotypes. My stance is anti-anti-prejudice. That is NOT the same thing as pro-prejudice. Let me explain. We shouldn't attack the "different" people, yet we also shouldn't attack the people that attack the "different" people. In other words people should just be tolerant. If you see an African American wearing a trenchcoat in the middle of a night in a park, i would strongly urge you not to approach him. You wouldn't treat this individual the same as treating a "special" olympics dude. My point (if you can read between the lines) is that we must recognize each person's differces but not condemn them. Recognize that Russian ppl DO drink vodka, black people DO steal stuff, and Chinese immigrants ARE damn smart. Sure there are exceptions but each race generally specializes in specific subjects. We should tolerate their inferiorities but recognize their strengths.

Have a day.

March 16, 2004!

I'd like to thank the nuthouse (Cherry Creek High School) for helping me achieve success. No matter how much i study for Physics, i always fail. No matter how little i do for other classes, i seem to ace everything. In fact, the less time i put into everything, the better i seem to do. I'd like to thank my specific teachers for intruding into my brain and confusing the logic out of me. The lesson of the day, if you want to succeed, turn off your brain. If you ever proccess anything and start making realizations in school, philosophizing, etc.: BEWARE, you're one step into the dumpster.

Now for more optimistic matters: we have finally developed sunblock for fruits. Dude by the name of Dr George has done it! Now i can lay outdoors with my tomato and know....that i have extended the fruit's life for a few hours. Isn't that what we do with people? How ironic.

Peas....albino style....after sunscreen.

March 15, 2004!

How do I feel? severe

~yo, i ran for the first time in over a week. After pulling my hamstring and completing rehab for over a week, i'd say i was ready for a mile. How did i feel you ask? Well, let me put it this way, i was a finger trying to start a car. In other words, i just wasn't in "shape" to run anything....hope you got that one because i need a rest after that one.

On to more important matters, i'm eating corn listening to Korn. Thoughtless is a very good song. Del Monte is a decent brand of corn. If you think that was useless info, just think, corn is in nearly all foods: corn starch, corn syrup, etc. If you are an overflowing tub of buffalo excrement (or just a little obtuse [a bit plump {just fat}]), i suggested suing Korn because corn is probably in your food.

Happy holidays....hey it's a lot of ppl's birthdays. Peas

March 14, 2004!

Happy Pi Day! 3.14....

For the record, i'm 18. (that includes nights and weekends)

Now to more "important" matters. Can someone find "Just a little bit special" by Stephan Lynch. Good song.

Anyways, I learned something very intersting in Hebrew class....So i've always been very interested with Jewish Gematria (letters standing for numbers which depict events in history) This is after my Rabbi predicted Sept 11 a year before it happened. So, after the holiday of Purim, the scroll of Esther was written that Jewish ppl read every year during the holiday of Purim. So toward the end of the reading, the names of 10 ppl that were hanged are written, except 3 of the letters of the ppl are tinier than the other letters....i was always like, wtf...ok. Well my teacher finally explained it to me. Although he doesn't know what it means, the little letters are shin (300) tov (400) and zayin (7). Add them up and you get 707. The current hebrew year is 5764 for reference. So what happened in 5707? That was 1946, where 10 nazis were hung in the nurenburg trials. The hallocaust was very similar to purim....

March 13, 2004!

Yup, i missed a day.
So i knew it was going to happen. I mean how often do you realize that you are revolting (word?) around this world? So, I missed a day. My excuse was that i went at the 5A HS basketball state championships with kjo. It was a close game, thunder ridge won 60-57, but i blame creek for their lazy half-court offense. At times they got the ball half court and everyone just stopped moving. They became what i call lazy bums. They wouldn't move for the ball for 5+ mintues. Then they would gain momentum for a couple minutes and then stop playing again. If their excuse was they were tired.....the bball team should all join xcountry, i say.

Meanwhile, i got my Maxima back from the Crazy Russian Man's shop. The transmission is new as New Year's. (scratch the previous sentence, BEWARE!!! i have FAD [see Appendix A below]) continuing on, the clutch is also new and linked much closer together. That improves performance drastically. I tried my baby and it ran like 1:53 800m runner. In other words, watch out grannies, i'll smoke you!!! In other words, i have problems. Not something to be too proud of.

Appendix A: FAD is physical attention disorder, for all you "normal people." Yes, it is made up. Yes, i have it. Yes, it makes me twitch and say well....copious things. What is a copious thing? I dont' know. Read Appendix A to find out.

March 11, 2004!

Nother day, nother post.
Talk about funny....the other day we were playing a game in geo. The premise was: no rules...get as much oil and fake money as you can. Eventually people got lazy signing the contracts we were supposed to sign, started stealing oil and money, even from people's hands. There were catfights, hostile feelings, mean ppl, etc. The funniest part was when a kid dropped a unit of oil on the floor and didnt' see it fall. Immediately, 3 ppl that usually didn't like to steal watched the oil fall and each looked around the room (rather spied around the room) to see if anyone else noticed the oil. Then one kid sneakily picked up the oil and the other 2 ppl noticed him, made eye contact and then all 3 just looked away as if unconfortable with each other. Since i didn't care at all for that game junk, i was laughing my ass off at how ppl that are usually angels knew they were cheating (picking up the oil) and yet they were so cautious. Maybe it was just me.

Peace. MMMMmmmm....ramen.

March 10, 2004!

I've become very fond of Napoleon, my new favorite midget. The art of govt is to make everyone just happy enough they don't do anything revolt. Then, as an emperor, you can do anything you want. Example:

Complaint 1: there should be voting for more equality
Complaint 2: poor people think everyone be able to vote
Complaint 3: intelligent ppl think poor people shouldn't vote because they'll vote for dumb ppl

Resolution: Everyone can vote. People have 2 options, Napoleon or Napoleon. Napoleon later receives a perfect vote and thanks to propoganda, he has an unprecedented approval rating. No one will revolt against such a great ruler.

If you're reading this, you must be bored so boogie on down to http://www.internetpei.com/balls/ <----fun stuff

March 9, 2004!

Thank you, gousty, for letting me copy your "blog" idea. Credit given where credit is due.

Once upon a time (today) I decided to put my thoughts on paper, and since i am quite low on paper and the world is short on trees, this will have to do. Now i have no idea what to write about, only that i must use words to fill up pages, or so says Mr. Education. Thus, i will ramble on like a moose without barriers. The only way to make me stop is to hunt me down and kill me.

Today i had no school. Hurray! 2 Teachers and a coach decided to have class\practice. Booo! In other words, i had school. (sort of) I would like to thank Mr. Kern, Mrs. Montgomery and Coach Libby for not giving me a second to rest. Tommorrow, I also dont' have school. That means more class and more studying. One of these days I'm going to steal all the paper in all the printers in the school so the evil teachers couldn't copy the tests.

I realize this is a bad post. I need practice

click here to play video2

click here to play video