Christian Ministry

My first attempt at suicide was at the age of 16 when I jumped in front of a car, that my best friend was driving. She was speeding at me, because of an argument we had hours earlier. She swerved and only hit my hand. Which was severely sprained. My second attempt at suicide was when I was married to my husband. Johnny's father. I couldn't take the adultery he was committing so I tried several times cutting myself. These were just cries for help. Only I did not let anyone know about the cutting. I had several boyfriends in the next few years. I then met a financial loan officer at a bank, I worked at as a teller. We were all drinking buddies. The group from work. I had fallen for him. He then told me he was married, but separated from his wife. That the two of them were going to get a divorce. So one night after drinking heavily, I started home from the little pub across the street from where we all worked. I had thoughts of suicide. I started driving very fast. I had a 40 minute drive on the way home and I knew exactly where I would run off the road. Where just a year before I had went off the road in a drunken stupor. It was on an overpass. Miraculously, I was saved. I believe to this day angels had saved me. I hit the overpass and somehow ended up home. When I awoke the next day, I checked my car to see if this had really happened and found the ashtray had flown from the front seat into the back. It had happened only I was alive. So that night after drinking with my friends, I was so depressed I decided to go off of that same overpass, only this time it would work because I had planned on doing it to kill myself. Little did I know that I would be followed. John, the man that was married, followed me home. Suspecting something was wrong. This aggitated me. I was going speeds of 100mph and he was keeping up. So I pulled over to the side of the road to confront him. Instead, he just grabbed me into the car and told me, he had fallen in love with me and we made love there for the first time. This ended up being a two and a half years of great physical abuse. During the relationship, my mother became ill. I knew she was going to die before things even grew to that point. This set me into deeper depression. When they told us she had cancer, it confirmed what I had already known. Only death had never been mentioned. She had lung cancer. I couldn't handle this because my mother had always been my caretaker. She always made the pain seem less. She made me look toward tomorrow. I had just lost my grandfather a year before who also was a strength to me. He died before I could tell him good bye. My father and I tried to make it there before he died. We were to late. He passed on before we arrived. I was devestated. My grandfather was the one who talked with me about the Lord. When I became pregnant out of wedlock, my grandfather sent me a rock. He told me that when people looked down on me to show them the rock and tell them, "That whoever has not sinned, may throw the first stone." I had held onto that. However, Now my mother was going to die. I just couldn't take that. I had hid the abuse that my boyfriend had put me through, like pounding my head into the bathtub and toilet, throwing me from room to room. Banging me into one thing to another thing. This continued over and over. I guess in some sick way I thought I deserved this. Looking back, after years of counseling I think it revolved around the sexual abuse. My mother died on November 10th, 1987. Two months before she died, I sharped a thick kitchen knife, while playing in the background was comfortably numb by Pink Floyd. You can't tell me that music does not have an influence over what you are doing. My little boy who was now 2 and a half hurdled in the corner. Watching every move I made. However, I was in another world. At the same time my boyfriend was at work and something told him to get home quickly. So he told his boss to he had to go and would be back. Once again God was watching out for me. He came and when all the doors were locked and I wouldn't answer them he broke through. I was standing there with the knife. This time I meant business, no more cries for help. I could not take the pain. He entered the kitchen and said," What are you doing?" I said,"Get away from me or I will kill you." He lundged at me and I began slitting away at my wrist. Slit, slit, slit. Remember now, my little boy sat there in horror of the situation. All of a sudden, I was back to reality and had seen what I had done. I began to beg God for my life. "Please God, don't let me die." I had never seen so much blood in all my life. It was horrible and then there was my baby. "Oh, Johnny, momma's sorry!" "Please forgive me" My boyfriend grabbed a towel and tied it around my arm putting pressure on the wound. When we got to the hospital, i just kept crying out to God. He was the only answer at this point. I was in five and a half hours of reconstructive surgery. However, I made it. When I awoke, I was in a padded room with one camara up in the corner looking down on me. Shortly there after entered my parents. I was so ashamed to see them. Here was my mother, no hair, fighting ever minute for her life. Looking down at her daughter who just tried to take her own. And there was my father, a huge man, now sunken, looking so empty inside. All I could feel was guilt. I was in the Psychiatric ward for 45 days. My surgeon was wonderful. He kept my spirits lifted. My psychitrist was a christian. He made me right a letter to God and tell Him how I felt. That was really hard. Then he had me right one to my grandfather, that was even harder. As far as my boyfriend he came from time to time. I got out of the hospital. It seemed like things were different between my mother and me. How could they not be. I just wanted so badly to be a little girl and climb on her lap and tell her how much I loved her. Instead, I watched her wisp away into nothing. She faded like a rose. I continued to see my boyfriend. The night my mother died, he was with me. It had been the first time in a long time we had spent anytime together. My father came home and awoke us all. That was November 10, 1987. My world came crashing down. I had two 8 year old sisters and a 17 year old sister. What were we going to do? Shortly after that I found out I was pregnant. But it was a miracle because I was on birth control. God had let me conceive a baby on the night my mother had died. Oh praise the Lord. I couldn't wait to tell my boyfriend. What a shock I got. He said, I would terminate the pregnancy immedietely. I said, Oh no I wouldn't. He said, look at it this way, you just got out of a mental institution. Who do you think they will let raise that baby? I was crushed. So on Christmas day, I jokingly mentioned to my father, who had no idea that I was pregnant, Daddy, wouldn't you love to be a grandpa again. He said, that's the worst thing that could happen to me now. I was crushed once again. I could not hurt my father. The one I seen sullen over my mother the day I tried to kill myself. I could not be the cause of anymore of his pain. I had to do it despite of the consquences of what might happen to me. On January 7, 1988...I survived an abortion, but my child didn't. I went home that day and cried like I had never cried before. My boyfriend who really wasn't my boyfriend exactly at this time, he was going back and forth with me and now ex wife, said to me, shut up and suck it up. The deed is done. I screamed at him, I just killed my baby and you said the deed is done. I found out later that it was a common phrase among his family. I found a letter and in that letter it said, now the deed is done you can dump that psycho. I don't know why I stayed with him as long as I did. It carried on for 2 and a half years until one night we were in a hotel because we had just relocated for his job for the second time. We had went out with some of my employees and he got wasted. When we got back to the hotel, he said I was going to quit my job. I said, No I wasn't I had given up 3 very good jobs because of him and I wasn't giving up another. He began to strangle me. I knew I was going to die that night. The look in his eyes were that of pure evil and he said he was going to kill me. I said I'm leaving you for good. That's when he said he was going to kill me. I was in a t-shirt and underware. He gave me a second to breath. I promised him, I would stay. He lifted his hands off of me and I got from underneath him and ran out the door. I ran and hid under the stairs. I seen him go back and forth several times. Then he started throwing my clothes everywhere yelling and screaming come get them. Then it got quiet. Just like in the horror movies. The dumb girl runs to the car, but doesn't have any keys. I was that dumb girl. I sat there a second and thought what am I going to do. Next thing you know he is at my door trying to bust in. Then he jumps on the hood and starts shouting profanities. Then he comes back and starts trying to break the window telling me to let him in. I knew if I did that I would be dead. I kept looking at how far it was to the front. It was quite aways and I was in just a t-shirt and underware and it was all rocks and glass and I don't do good on rocks so I didn't know if he would catch me. However, it was my only choice. So on the count of three, I had to jump into the other seat, unlock the door, open it and get out and run as fast as I could without him catching me. One, Two, Three. Off I went...I ran as fast as I could, I never looked back. I started yelling at the young man at the counter call the police. This man is trying to kill me. The police got there in no time at all. He was some what aggressive with the police and the beat him horribly. They had him handcuffed and still beat him. I asked them to stop, that they already had him. They told me to shut up or I'd be next. So I went up to the room, got what clothes I had left and what money I could find and started for home. The whole way home I kept thinking about my friend Andy. We had been friends for a couple of years. I would only get to talk to him when I wasn't with John. He was always so supportive of me and did not know John was physically abusive to me. I would always run into him on my way out of town and just stop and say hi, and tell him what was going on in my life and he would be like great, I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it. I never had anyone do that for me before other than Andy. What I needed now was my friend. I needed to hear an encouraging word. I had just seen him a few days before on my way out of town and he was congradulating me on my new job. So come the next day I looked for him. He was out of town on a motorcycle run. He had a harley. He was an average looking man. He had red hair and freckles and when he smiled, it lit you up. When he finally came back to town he wanted me to fix him up with one of our friends so I tried but she was already taken. While doing this I realized I had feelings for Andy and I let him know. So we hooked up. We ended up having Autumn. John had sent Christmas presents while I was pregnant with Autumn to my son Johnny. And then the day I was in the hospital by coincidence he calls my dad and my dad tells him I just gave birth so he calls me at the hospital checking to see if the baby is his. I assure him not. That she was born with red hair, just like her father. That was the last I heard of John. Thank God. A year almost to the day of Autumn's Birthday, Andy and I got married. I got saved on March 3, 1992. So many things happened in our lives I can't begin to explain. Miracles after miracles. Honestly, I only had a few friends because unfortunately even in the church people become envious at what God does for you. And by no means were we rich. Actually, we were poor, but I gave out as much as we received. I've been to third world countries, what I have is riches. That is not to say, I would like more than what I have, but I will not complain at what I do have. In 1993, I went to a Kenneth and Gloria Copeland Convention, it was there where God changed my life and ways of thinking. I healed there. On Saturday, I stood up to give testimony. I have this testimony on tape so I never forget what God did for me. You see we were poor, I mean dirt poor. Not knowing where your next meal is coming from poor. I went to a 10 day convention with 250. dollars and some odd change. After I gave testimony, Gloria Copeland said, slow down, she looked at a friend and said do you have a hundred dollars. And she said, give it to her. Gloria said, as she goes back to her seat, i want you all to bless her. Bless they did. I walked out that night with 2500. and some odd dollars. In one of the buckets was a hand written note that said, the salvation of your entire family is at hand. I believed that. On the way home, At the convention God told me I would go to the nations. He gave me Jeremiah to read. On the way home He said to tell my husband that He was sitting on the fence. He said that if he chose the wrong side He'd have to turn His back. But if he chose the right side He'd bless him all the days of his life and then God said show him the money. I did as God instructed. My husband got down on his knees and surrendered his life to the Lord being delivered from drugs and alcohol that night. Don't tell me, it can't be done, I've seen it with my own two eyes. With in 6 months, all three of my sisters were saved, my step mother was saved, my father was saved, and my two children were saved, my grandmother was saved, my extended family was saved. I went to my grandmothers funeral and told them all about the Lord. I told them what God had done for me. They knew. They grew up with the same Preaching Grandfather I did. About 8 went to the river, gave their lives to the Lord and got baptized the day my grandmother was buried. I believed what that little piece of paper said that day and I proclaimed it. I went on to preach in the prisons. I went on to preach in the churches. I went on to preach at womens aglows. I went on to preach at women's meetings. But people it is time for me to go to the Nations. Will you stand with me in prayer and support me if you can? I'm not one to beg. I know if you don't have it to give you can't give it. I've been there. Sometimes I might have put in a dime. But dimes add up. If you feel led to give to this ministry I will give you my email address and let me know and I will tell you where to send it...right now we are working towards getting it as a non-profit but I am a single mother of 2 and it's hard but with the Lords help we will get it done in Jesus Name!!!