The road was narrow with many twists and turns.

In the stillness the crunch of the gravel beneath my feet sounded

unnaturally loud. Towering trees lined each side of the road,

overhanging branches making the dusky twilight seem

more like the darkness of night.

Suddenly I stopped short; ahead of me loomed a large rock building.

This building was structured more like a castle than a house.

Turrets adorned the left side, and the heavy wooden door

appeared massive. The house itself was encompassed by swaying trees,

branches sinisterly reflected in the over-abundance of windows.

The huge branches had the aspect of tentacles, reaching out to

ensnare the unwary, while conversely appearing stilted.

Reluctantly I began to walk slowly toward the house, drawn yet repelled.

I awoke with a start, heart pounding, pulse racing. I was drenched,

yet the room was cool. My feet could almost feel the roughness of the gravel,

and my room felt unfamiliar. I lay back down, knowing I would

be unable to sleep again. I wondered what the dream could mean,

and why the house frightened me so.

So began disturbing dreams that would occur for many years.

Foreboding dreams of an unknown house with a mysterious room

with a locked door. Invariably upon awakening from these

dreams I was aware of a heaviness I could not dispel.

Growing up in a small rural town on a farm, my childhood

was anything but normal and happy. Deprived of love, affection

and discipline, I often felt lonely, insecure and unwanted.

It was difficult for me to make friends because I was very shy and insecure,

thus I had no real friends I could turn to.

Unfortunately, I carried these attitudes and insecurities into adulthood.

I was constantly searching for love and acceptance, driven by

an inner void to seek, yet not knowing what it was I was seeking.

I often accepted a poor substitute for love, for I felt it was all I deserved.

My own parents could not love and accept me, so how could anyone?

When I was almost 16, I married a man who I thought loved me.

It did not take me long to discover he didn't. A few weeks after

we married, he began to have affairs, and he didn't stop

all the time we were married. Of course, not having known love,

I did not know how to love. Existence during those years was

a series of seemingly hopeless days, followed by night of escaping into

fantasies of a life that was uncomplicated, happy, and full of love.

I was not a good mother to my children: I was still a child myself

emotionally. I did not know how to be a mother. Eventually we

were divorced, and I became a single mother.

I still was hungry for love and acceptance, and I still searched

for it. I fell in love, was hurt when it didn't last. I promised myself that

I would never let anyone hurt me again. In a relationship,

I always ended it. To be sure no one would ever left me again,

I would always leave first. I erected a barrier I allowed

no one to penetrate. I lost touch with my real emotions, crediting

myself with good feelings I wanted to have but could not.

I felt lost, lonely, afraid, and so unhappy.

This was the pattern of my life when the disruptive dreams

began to occur. Always the same dream, always the same house,

always the walk on the gravel road. Actual entry into the house

did not happen until I had experienced the dream for

many years. I became very 'familiar' with the large house through

my "night visions." Each visitation of the dream would reveal more

of the house and its surroundings. I was still fearful of this house,

seemingly without reason.

Meanwhile I sensed a different longing; a longing for something

different, an inscrutable yearning for "meaning" to my life. I was

compelled to search, still not realizing what it was I was searching for.

After trying different things, I decided to go back to school. I had quit

school in the middle of the tenth grade, unable to cope with the

teasing and being 'different' from the other kids. I did get my high school

diploma. Having a diploma was good, but failed to make

the difference I had envisioned. I was unsettled in both mind and

emotions, and needed healing on the inside.

I enrolled in college, but had to drop out because of a situation with my

oldest son. Still unhappy, still searching for love, still searching for meaning,

I lived life with a hopeless attitude, thinking nothing would

ever be better, for me or my children.

The dreams kept many nights in turmoil. I would advance closer and

closer to the house. Ultimately, I felt drawn to venture inside the house.

I was terrified of what I might find within, yet driven to "know."

Finally, I explored all the rooms except one. This room was always

locked, with the key inside the lock. This room filled me with dread

as I tried to hurry past it. On the surface, this was unexplainable, for

I had found the house to be beautifully and tastefully furnished,

and not one to invoke fear. Be that as it may, I was totally

frightened and totally alone!

The dream progressed until I was standing in front of the door, not

trying to hurry past it. I would stare at the door handle, part of me

wanting to reach out and turn the key, while fear held my arms immobile.

One night my dream came to it's culmination. I was standing

before the door as usual, held in an icy grip of fear. A wave of weakness

enveloped me as I slowly reached for the key to open the door.

Some power almost beyond my control bade me enter, darkness

surrounded me as I tried to resist. What mystery lay beyond that

locked door that had dominated so many of my nights?

What change in my future, and the future of my children would

occur when I opened that door?

Finally, I gathered the remnants of my diminishing courage,

turned the key and stepped into the unknown.

Caught totally by surprise, I was astonished at what met my

unbelieving eyes. I turned slowly around the room, almost in a daze.

Windows covered the entire room, the largest one in front,

a huge telescope pointed towards the heavens. The windows

were all opened, and a myriad of stars twinkled and danced

in the clear night sky. The moon was full and

luminous, and shone with a brilliant radiance.

I was enveloped with the purest love in invisible arms of acceptance!

I was heady with the sheer joy of this new experience, and I never

wanted to wake up! HERE was the peace and love I had sought for

so long, how could I have been so frightened by the very thing

I had so desperately searched for and so desperately needed?

I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior soon after.

The dreams ended, but they are still a part of my life; I do not

ever want to forget them. God has shown me that the "locked door"

was a symbol of the 'door' of salvation that I had felt was locked to me.

I had felt that God could not possibly want me, that I was too

bad and I did not deserve salvation. Satan kept me bound with

this lie for many years; I blindly believed him.

However, God helped me realize that although none of us

'deserve' salvation, He has given it as His free gift. Genuine love

and acceptance is ours when we accept the Source, Jesus!

His is the unconditional love we all seek. I now can say that

I have accepted His free gift of salvation, and I have never

been sorry. I have failed Him many times, but

He has never failed me, nor will He ever.

This was written by my Mom, Shirley.
You may visit her Site by clicking here