Now gather round and let me tell the story
It's a story that is almost never told
It's about a night that good 'ol Santa
Wished he'd never had and no one knows
He was tired of the misses always bitchin
And so sick of all those little helpers too
So he hopped in his old pickup truck
And he yelled out he don't give a fuck
Tonight I'm getting wasted at the Blue Oyster Saloon
I'm sorry but there ain't no Christmas this year
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer
So don't bother with the milk and cookies this year
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer
Well at midnight one drink led right to another
And slowly the room began to spin
So round and round on Santa went
Not knowing how much trouble he was in
He left they kicked him out the door
They said he couldn't have no more
And in the snow he nearly fell
He shook his fist and then he yelled
"You haven't seen the last of me"
While he was standin in his pee
He flipped the bird and hung a right
And stumbled off into the night
I'm sorry but there ain't no Christmas this year
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer
So don't bother with the milk and cookies this year
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer
So, on and on Santa walked
Heck, I reckon he must've walked for miles
Before he found a place to shelter him from the cold
A place of warmth, a sanctuary of soul, and in this place
Santa feasted his eyes upon a most beautiful creature
A creature that made his veins race with love blood
And his loins, hell, let's just say Santa's pole
Was pointed north
Oh ho ho ho ho why hello there
Have you been naughty or nice this year
Oh ho ho ho, well I've got a little present for you
Now everyone around has heard this story
A story that was almost never told
About that night that good 'ol Santa
Wished he'd never had and now you know
I'm sorry but there ain't no Christmas this year
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer
So don't bother with the milk and cookies this year
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer
Cause Santa's drowning sorrows in his beer, yeeha!
