"it's all over"

august 1999

well... it doesn't seem five minutes since we last sat down to type
today is the 31st
of August
1999

this is getting silly isn't it?
there's new news virtually every single DAY now
how can anyone possibly keep up?
when will the vast mine of The Divine David tit-bits cease to issue forth loveliness?
how can you get on with your lives when you are having to check back here every single hour in case you miss something?

well... we don't care
we love

too much to be complacent,
we can't stop,
its like some sort of bizarre addiction,
constantly there in our brains,
niggling away at our conscious...
"add more"
it says
"add more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add mormoreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more amoreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd moredd moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd moreadd moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd moreadd moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd moree add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd moredd moremore add moreadd more add more add more add more add moreadd more add more add more add more add moremore add moreadd more add more add more
addmoreaddmoreaddmoreaddmoreaddmore
ADD

mmmm...

now then, what to report this time?
well... we continue our quest to transform your spare time with fruitful endeavour through the Jay Cloth Section(ed)
more craft ideas for all of you who enjoyed making und wearing your badges
with the
JAY CLOTH CINEMA BOOK
oh yes!
step by step instructions on creating your very own livre de la cinema de Cloth
a revolution which means you may NO LONGER NEED YOUR TELEVISION OR WEEEDIO!
simply follow the fuss free instructions
isn't that gorgeous?

the intensely lovely
Julie
has granted her permission to use her review of the spatial awareness show originally featured on
the scotsman newspapier on line site,
it's beautiful und can be viewed via the media section

please note also that details for the beautiful Gilded Lead Balloon have been added to the
Fresh Produce
pages

well... today is the 29th day of the lovely month of August (a Sunday, no less), the year in case you hadn't noticed is 1999

"hasn't it been a marvellous August?"

what are you doing here?...
WAITING as per usual to be fed tit-bits of gorgeous flavour vis-a-vis The Divine David
WANTING us to issue forth a delicious melange of informasssion
NEEDING your fix of all that is The Divine David-ular
ASKING us to give of ourselves selflessly, to exert ourselves for your pleasure, to destroy our lives so that you may be entertained????????

well no more
we wont put up with this prostitution of our lives any longer
DO YOU HEAR
??????????????????

it HAS taken it out of us... it HAS left us ragged, weeping by the roadside

enough is enough!

...oh alright then, seeing as you're here
this time we have gifts of a visual nature... a smattering of gallery images, both of
Jay Cloth
(looking lovely in an all-white ensemble)
und
The Divine David
(glorious in mauve und radiant on an Edinburgh beach)
we also have another of
the eminently lickable
ROD STEELE'S
always popular und absolutely beautiful straight from screen photographs

not only that...
we have MORE downloadable morsels for you in the
ALL LIVE REVUE
section
including...
SECRETIONS!
WANKERS!!
THE DESTRUCTION OF THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL!!!
EROTIC CONTEMPORARY DANCE!!!!

now
fuck off
in the nicest possible way of course
Count Lovely und Spike

GUTEN TAG!

welcome one UND all!
25th of august nineteen ninety nine

well what CAN we say?
we've finally gotten the WORD section of Postbag off to an absolute
STARBURST
of a start und no mistake
it's all thanks to the spellbinding, sensuous, rapturous und indeed, if you'll pardon us saying so moist-about-the-gusset

style tale sent to us by the gorgeous
LINNY
we suggest you make yourself a hot beverage, unwrap a packet of bisquit, traverse to the
Postbag
section und immerse yourself in a world of glamour, fulfilment, passion und desire... oh yes
the lovely Linny also proferred forth the idea of a communications device to enable one to reach out und telepathically touch the beautiful Jay Cloth...
we thought it a rather beautiful one und have created
Communiqué with Cloth
go to the Section(ed) pages und send your message through the ether to the delectable helping-hand, you can also record them for posterity in the Cloth-Files... isnt that gorgeous?

UND
WE HAVE REACHED OUR

...th wiiiisitor...
oh yes
it's our
***MILLENNIUM***
***************
isn't that absolutely GORGEOUS?
we love you all, und in celebration of this fabulous fact-ette we have posted up, in the
teachings
section The Divine David's moving memorial to the 20th Century...
it's all over
we're looking forward to it
come and join us

BEAUTIFUL!

Count Lovely und Spike
xxxxx

day:20th month:August year:1999

well, we continue our plot to engulf the whole of the worldwideweb with the life-message of
THE DIVINE DAVID
we aim to bring the online community to its
knees
the
Jay Cloth Section(ed)
now consumes an entire other section of tripod
soon they shall have to rename said portion of the web
we rather like
"The Divine Davidpod"
catchy
oh yes

"shall we see what this particular padded envelope contains?"
yes we've had MAIL for the POSTBAG section...
marvellous mail...
mouthwatering mail...

from the delectable
SAM
we have an artwork which uses as its foundation
Misssssss Cillaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Bleeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
und incorporates
rude words
which is more than reason enough to slap it up on the art section of postbag
thankyouverymuuuuuuuucccchhh, Sam, you naughty little tinker.

und in the
Jay Cloth Section(ed)
ANOTHER FEATURE OF BRAND NEW PROPORTIONS...
fabulous

regular
DONNA
e-mailed us an item which may well change your lives forever
seek out life-altering experiences at
CULT OF TWIG
oh yes...

we have also added a few more links for your delectation, including one to the the delicious Amy Lame's utterly fabulous
DUCKIE
site

und finally...
"Edinburgh or Bust"
was a little better this week was it not?
und was it merely our troubled minds working overtime or was the stunning Mr Cloth sporting his hair a little more bouffant than usual?
lovely also to witness
the ever-gorgeous
The Divine David
celebrating
THE END
of the festival...

well, time to love you und leave you
ciao for now

Count Lovely und Spike

erratum:
please note that we have now completed the The Divine David Attitude Grilling article in the Media section (the last question had been missing, apologies for our tardiness, we hate ourselves, we really do)

18th of August 1999

hello...
"more?" we hear you ask "this cannot be, you work so hard on hour behalf, bringing us the wonderful
Pretty Lady: The Marvellous World Of The Divine David, why, you deserve PAYING for the service you provide, you gorgeous lovelinesses"

oh! we couldn't possibly take your money... this is a labour of love

but yes we do have MORE
last time we brought you the dazzling excitement of the new Jay Cloth Section(ed)
this time we bring you
YET ANOTHER
!!!BRAND NEW SECTION!!!!

oh yes... we (possibly) flout various copyright laws to bring you
***The Divine David Live Revue***
enabling you to download weeeeeedio clips from the series und enjoy at your leisure
all you favourite moments are here!
oh yes!

und we have another deux  articles
one is a sparklingly recent review of the Edinburgh fringe show
The Divine David's Spatial Awareness No.1
courtesy of The Scotsman
the second, gleaned from Attitude is not of the same length and far less recent, but will, we are sure, satiate a need nonetheless
both can be found teetering atop the pile of stuff in the
media section

und thats not all we have more links
(including one in French, which is tres continental, we are sure you will agree!)
und fully comprehensive photo guide has been added to the
"make your own badge page"
making it simply fuss free!

Good Lord!

consider yourselves
thoroughly
spoiled

until next time
keep lovely...

we realise fully that its only a few days since we last updated, its probably getting out of hand...
but then thats what is needed isnt it?
an almost constnt influx of The Divine David on the internet?
for these pages to be truly amorphous
ever changing
we like to think that ideally you'd want to click on everyday
(we know some of you return to our more than ample bosom daily, thankyouverymuuuuuch, we love you too)
und glean some new aspect of
The Divine David
from the wonderfulworldoftheweb
"things changing things going"

well what CAN we say... over the past couple of months we have made ourselves absolute
WHORES
to this website...
it's gradually eating away at our LIVES!
but it is, we hope, worth it
for some substantial changes have been made
if you havent been for a while (don't give us your pitiful excuses) there are some surprises in store pour vouz... oh yes

well heres the news for a few days after the last news
(14th august 1999 to be precise)

und what exciting news

firstly we have MORE delectable images in both the Gallery und the Gallery de la Cloth areas
(an opportunity to see The Divine David wowing them Elizabeth Hurley style in a red slashed number, tres provocative)

isnt that lovely?
we think we espy un petit influence de la Japon there...
oh oui

UND those of you able to enjoy the pleasures of sound (our apologies to both Netscape users und the deaf) will be able to revel in MORE audio clip-ettes, virtually every page has one, some slyly hidden, requiring a push of a button in order to coax them out,
though we havent gone silly...
they are all of a manageable... length

those with heart murmurs should possibly avert their eyes
there is also an entire new Jay Cloth area!
devoted completely to the illustrious sidekick-to-end-all-sidekicks!!

you will also by now no doubt have seen the brand new title page,
the cover to this neverending magazine of the avant garde,
its been tweaked,
oh yes,
its been honed
und
its been
touched up...

wrap up warm, loves
Count Lovely und Spike

mmmmmm! a rather "bumper" news again
a veritable "Summertime Special" of news
for the the 12th of august 1999

"haven't we had some RAIN??
the heavens just opened und it poured
teaming down, you needed your brolly
all these poor people running about in only a blouse
ah!"
(etc)

well... did the chicken make it safely across the road?:

YES: 7 votes
NO: 8 votes
DON'T KNOW/UNANSWERED: 11 votes

well it was a question that divided you

some little rays of sunshine, those with a more "glass half full" view of life und felt that, with ample help from the gorgeous lollipop ladies und men, the dazzling poulet avec le mostest Super Chicken und the help of contemporary dance the chicken did in fact survive the treacherous walk...

 the majority of you however (glass empty, liquids used to wash down a handful of tranquillizers) felt that, no the chicken did NOT make it across safely
many was the tale of randomly distributed innards, falling foul of over-weighty clutchbags (despite no doubt pricey Nordic footwear), mass chicken destruction on the M1 und a sticky end thanks to the pleasant pheasant plucker (which is quite something to get ones bouche around)

so its giblets und carnage all round then
for any of you having trouble coming to terms with this the caring, sharing Linny is offering discounted therapy sessions... isn't that lovely?

onward however, we turn our attention to another fashion-based issue
describe, if you will, your contemporary dance wardrobe

a swift message to any of you traversing to Edinburgh to witness
The Divine David
in the flesh...
we would love to include your review of the evenings entertainment in the poor neglected word section of POSTBAG
so far the inclusions have been very slow in coming
the world of the avant garde has little time for the complacent
oh no...
"at least they got off their fat arse and did something!"
now think on...

EDINBURGH OR BUST
better... we suppose, but cant they just see their way to run The Divine Davids show on a loop?
24 hours a day
Im sure the Footlights wouldnt mind doing a little less showing off for the camera would they?
"I stand before you on a raised dais"

und some exciting ECLIPSE news
******************************
ignore everything they want you to believe
the eclipse was actually caused by feral pigeons from outer space traversing betwixt the sun und the earth on their way to purchase eggshell bonnets for their annual 'do',
all the while making a code signalling the end of life as we know it...
their uncoded message read...

"we know how humanity will celebrate the end of the 20th Century... it will lose interest, become bored, stop eating and they'll all just fall around dead."

oh yes
it seems our visionary icon was quite correct in his premonition vis-a-vis the 20th century
isn't that lovely?
we're looking forward to it
come and join us...
Count Lovely und Spike

NEWS FOR 6TH AUGUST 1999

well... we have viewed the latest Channel 4 offering starring
The Divine David
und while its was special there are only deux words on our lips...
"not enough"
oh yes, we enjoyed the brisk flurry of glamour, we revelled in the dazzling array of vocal styles, we gasped at the red slashed dress, we sighed swooningly over Jay Cloth, we witnessed a mortals ambition coming to life at the hands of a lipsticked icon, we took special make-up application note-ettes...
und then he was gone
und other people had taken his place...
<emotional gasp>
OTHER PEOPLE who were NOT The Divine David, merely other people
now then... we at Pretty Lady have an idea und we think its a rather special one... if we hotfoot it to Edinburgh und kill, by various means, these other people... well then they won't be able to take up precious The Divine David airtime!
und everything will be nice und everything!

If you crave MORE The Divine David we have it for you in abundance... you could go und bump the channel 4 websites figures up a little (bless them, we know they sit up for vast chunks of the night eagerly hoping to see the numbers on their little counter click upwards), see all about The Divine David und Edinburgh or Bust by clicking here

You can see some Channel 4 media type information (which we have duly added to the media section) by clicking here

also to nip any disappointment you may be feeling in the bud, we have added another item to the teachings section
we thought, as the rather tiresome suntrap that was the ozone layer seems to have finally been eaten through und we have regained the traditional flesh roasting summertime of yore the time was ripe for learning all about
THE SEASIDE

we also have news of a personal nature
(those who do not wish to view this news of a personal, medical nature should avert their eyes immediately und keep them closed whilst asking a friend or relative to shut down their computer, failing that they should wait, with their eyes closed until the electricity board, having received no payment for their services, shut off the electric thus rendering the news of a personal nature irrevocably lost...)

Personal news, for those who wish to be informed…

When corresponding with us… und I know some of you do… you may notice a change in your letterage…

Raison de’être…

 I, Count Lovely, was the other day tinkering in the lab, singing along to a selection of melodies by the fragrant Irish flower of song that is Dana (a delicious blend of soaring contrapuntal melodies, married with an effortlessly rich melange of harmony... oh yes) I popped out for a croissant, avec a scraping of unsalted butter und a cup of 'splosh', as I believe they say in London's East End, well I wasn't gone two seconds but returned to find that your former illustrious co-host und technical wizard Count Downe had been fiddling, nothing unusual there, but he had, alas drunk several of the vials of liquids on the workbench und had metamorphosed… so alas Count Downe is no more und the result was far too… earthy… to be classed as titled breeding, so what was one to do? Luckily lateral thinking stepped in immediately, as a counter to the threat of negativity on the internet the resultant chunk has since been renamed Spike und put in charge of security… if you should, und some of you one day may, meet Count Lovely und his co-host please do not refer to him as Count Downe or things could turn nasty… do not worry, its actually what he wanted…

Thankyouverymuuuuuuch for listening, if any of you feel that this subject does not comply with the overall perimeters or subject matter, we are not a facisistic website, please feel free to fuck off und rot… isn't that lovely?

lots of love
Count Lovely und Spike
(you'll grow to like it eventually)

"That's more than enough"

news news news news
und
more news
for the 3rd of august 1999

well.. where to start, where to begin...

lots of people have been so lovely we have been drawn dangerously close to the verge of tears...

the postbag section of the site is off to a start with art, though more is needed, dig deep und see if you can't choke something up

we have new gallery images, thanks to in alphabetical order,
Jenks
und
Rod
und
Tim
und those of you who have been GAGGING at the bit for a Jay Cloth-ian slant to the site will no doubt wet yourselves, if not go the whole hog und evacuate your bowels upon viewing the new
gallery de la Cloth
which will further flourish soon, so keep them peeled

the links page continues to grow, threatening to eat the site whole (leave a trail of bread crumbs when you go, so that you may always be able to return to our beautiful, bountiful bosom)

we have headaches... it's almost too much... but there is more

don't forget to view the Channel 4 "Edinburgh or Bust" programme, to feature The Divine David (some other people will also be taking up precious airtime but that's the way the bourbon crumbles)...
we suggest switching on your television now und leaving it on until his majesty blazes a trail across its surface, if you don't have a television why not pop to Curries/Dixons, taking the staff und any bystanders (all of whom will, of course, thank you for not allowing them to miss said programme) hostage (perhaps utilising a vial of highly toxic liquids) so that you may view the programme on one of their many top-of-the-range sets.
if you have neither a television or the required vial of highly toxic liquids you could always take a vast amount of drugs und sit looking at a picture of The Divine David until the two blend to create a programme of your own! (though maybe if you actually put some of that drug purchasing money into a building society account (one which offers competitive interest rates, obviously) you could soon own a television set of your very own as you won't be wanting to hold up your local purveyor of electronic domestic goods every time you need to see your favourite terrorist icon...

there, that's that sorted out

until next time
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR HAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR"