"it's all over"

december 1999

SEASONS BRAYINGS!
welcome ye all to this special, enormous bumper Christmas variety pack of goodies
oh yes!
Santa has emptied a huge sack load all over us here at
Pretty Lady
enjoy!
20th of december 1999

gasp!
oh thaaaaaannnkkkyyyoooouu, it's just what we've always wanted, no really
you shouldn't have
beautiful festive angels all of you, thankyou for all of your letters over the past year, it really is lovely to hear from you all,
but can we say,
to all of you who choose to write telling us that you DON'T like The Divine David
(theres always ONE isn't there),
perhaps, if this isn't too obvious a thing to say, you'd be best not bothering, we're hardly going to share your views now are we, doing a webpage about him and all?
popping yourselves down to give us little "critiques" which are going to be ignored anyway... it's lovely that you feel the cause special enough, but it's a little...
pointless
perhaps you'd be better off doing something a little more constructive with your time?
like macrame?
needlepoint?,
napkin folding?,
or just FUCKING OFF even
we used to write thanking people for taking time away from therapy to join with us, in an e-mail fashion... but have become tired, a little bored, fatigued even
we therefore have a new policy on this subject...
we don't write back!...
ever!
und no amount of goading (now matter how amusing) will make us!
isn't that lovely?
just to show our appresssiasssion of your time und effort, we show our feelings toward this style of critique, especially the "funny" ones, with swear words und everything
here

well... Christmas around the corner... und barely time to breathe, let alone think...
we're typing this out on auto pilot whilst peeling sprouts
und then it's off to stuff a few 'charms'
(crafted in Taiwan, und of an unknown metal, it's quite flaky),
into the yuletide pudding,
lets keep our fingers crossed that they don't leech out any dangerous toxins...
like last years batch...
it's so tiresome when you end up blamed for brain damage isn't it?
takes the edge off the celebrassssions, we find

[Media]
contains a review of
The Divine David
und
Chloe Poems
sparkling last show
Ugli Sisters
(Studio Theatre at The Royal Exchange)

[That's Entertainment!]
well
this week we've been absolutely
DROWNING
in pictures, highly exclusive pictures, no less
as posted to us by the ever beautiful trinity of Pretty Lady regulars
that are
(alphabetically)
Donna
und
Linny
und
Steve
...travel forth to the
That's Entertainment! Readers Celebrity Melange
sectssssion
whereupon you shall find
over 50 (yes FIFTY! count 'em!) snapshots (of the live variety)
taken at Vauxhall Tavern shows und at Edinburgh festivaltime
you can even make out audience members...
the backs of some of your heads are certainly arousing
you may even see yourself,
oh yes, isn't that a lovely thought?
you may be a SUPERSTAR of the web, your face there to be poured over by the salivating hoards, their eyes absorbing your body, the filthy imaginings... isnt that a delight?!
do let us know if you see yourself
(although WHY you havent sent in a review is another thing entirely)

[Obsessive Compulsive]
there are also more oddments for the obsessive compulsive, thanks again to the lovely Linny

[gallery]
we also have 2 new gallery visions for you to enjoy, thanks, yet again to Linny
(who's generosity plainly knows no bounds)!

[quote]
a spesssssial Christingle quote!
oh yes!

it's like Christmas
every
single
day!
it's fun isn't it?

should we wind up this festive newsreel with another musical number do you think?
we will
seeing as it's Christmas...

Count Lovely und Spike take their places on rocking chairs, tartan blankets on laps, faux log fire a-blazing in the background, sharing a cup of pretend beverage, there are mince pies und other Christmas ephemera dotted about the set, a jolly santa places gifts beneath an artificial tree in the background

Have yourselves a Pretty Lady Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a Pretty Lady Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.
Here were are as in olden days,
happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
gather near to us once more.
Through the years we all will be together
(laughing and touching one another)
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself...
a Pretty Lady Christmas...
(pause for effect)
a-noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.

a brandy bottle is knocked over, leading a silent trail to the fire, which erupts in flame, taking a small side table with it, unfortunately upon this table is a soda syphon, the combustible gasses within which duly explode, turning the set into a veritable fireball, stage hands run on with fire extinguishers, dragging an unconsious Count Lovely und Spike to safety, sadly the actor playing santa is caught up in the very heart of the maelstrom, running about screaming, artificial beard a mass of flame, until stage hands rugby tackle him to the floor, rolling him about to attempt to put him out, his  wife, restrained by the director, screaming his name from the wings as the smell of burning nylon fills the air

the lights dim

have a wunderbar Christmas
try to cling to life between now und when we next see you
be brave, we'll be thinking of you
Count Lovely und Spike

we've just realised that we're a YEAR old
isn't that marvellous!?
a year of unfailing celebrity adorassssion made
beautiful digital eyecatching contemporary culture!

The nucleus that is the
That's Entertainment!
sectssssion has now well und truly exploded,
destroying all in it's wake,
with a new "It's Christmas!" review by the fantabulous Linny
und the start of a That's Entertainment! readers-photo melange
with some snaps taken und sent by the fragrant Donna und Steve
we sincerely hope to expand the That's Entertainment! sectssssion ever further with reviews from those of you who attended the matrimonial happening this weekend...
please post your reviews und/or snapshots here

Art...
we love exhibissssssions of Art...
the elitism, the look but don't touch aspect, the finger buffet,
und we have Art to exhibit
NEW WORKS
by the gorgeous ROY
und
the delicious LALA
wiiisit the art sectssssion of postbag und devour them whilst they are hot
 

we're a little bit fed up with the lackluster "bye!" style finales to the news pages
so this week we're going for an absolute belter...

Count Lovely und Spike clear their throats,
grab a gilded chair each from the wings und take up dramatic poses centre stage, in front of a single violet spotlight...

You have to understand the way we are,
Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor...
A tiger is a tiger, not a lamb,
Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor...
You'll never turn the vinegar to jam,
Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.
So we do...
What we do...
When we're through...
Then we're through...
And we're through...
Toodleoo
Bye..... bye..... mein.... li-ber Pretty Lady wiiisitor.
Farewell, mein li-ber Pretty Lady wiiisitor.
It was a fine affair,
But now it's over.
And though we used to care,
we need the open air.
You're better off without us,
Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.

Don't dab your eye, Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor
Or wonder why, Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.
we've always said that we were both rovers.
You mustn't knit your brow,
You should have known by now
You've every cause to doubt us
Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.

The continent of Europe is so wide, Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.
Not only up and down
But side to side, Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.
we couldn't ever cross it if we tried, Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.
But we do...
What we can...
Inch by inch...
Step by step...
Mile by mile...
Pretty Lady wiiisitor by Pretty Lady wiiisitor.

Bye bye, mein liber Pretty Lady wiiisitor
Farewell, mein liber Pretty Lady wiiisitor.
It was a fine affair,
But now it's over.
And though we used to care,
we need the open air.
You're better off without us,
Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.

Don't dab your eye, Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor
Or wonder why, Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.
we've always said that we were both rovers.
You mustn't knit your brow,
You should have known by now
You've every cause to doubt us,
Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.

Bye bye, Mein Liber Pretty Lady wiiisitor,
Auf weidersehen, Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.
Es war sehr gut, Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.
Und Vorbei.
Du kennst mich wohl, Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor,
Ach, lebe wohl, Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.
Du sollst mich nicht meher sehen,
Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor.

Bye bye, Mein Liber Pretty Lady wiiisitor...
Und Vorbei.
Du kennst mich wohl,
Mein Pretty Lady wiiisitor...
And bye bye.

(altogether collectively!):
Bye bye, Mein Liber Pretty Lady wiiisitor,
Fare well, Mein Liber Pretty Lady wiiisitor,
It was a fine affair,
But now it's over.
And though we...
Used to care,
we need the...
Open air.

You're better off
Without us,
You'll get on without us.
Mein
Pretty Lady wiiisitor...
Pretty Lady wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisitor...

Count Lovely und Spike pause, throw up their arms und absorb the applause teary-eyed, then career to the back of the stage, tear down the scarlet velvet curtains, destroy several musical instruments, hurling the debris (along with ahstray-fulls of cigarette butts und several discarded wine glasses) into the crowd, start a small petroleum-fuelled fire in the orchestra pit, then clamber up the lighting rig und hurl themselves back down onto the stage where they lay, semi-concious und in some pain as nets above release armfuls of red rose petals und glitter...

thankyouverymuuuuuuuch

und

good-nacht!

the lights dim...

(it's all been rather Berlin-esque hasn't it?)

Christmas Comes Early for Pretty Lady's gorgeous wiiiisitors!
it certainly came early at the vauxhall tavern last week,
as predicted several news items hence by the fabulous showbiz Linny
with "It's Christmas!"

und it truly IS the time of giving
thanks to some expert string pulling by the ever fragrant
Tina The Toilet Slut
we have news direct from the lusciously berouged lips

of
The Divine David
which will render all the gifts you could ever receive redundant
despite rumours to the contrary
there
IS
to be a new televisual experience
January 2000
the DAWN of the new Millennium
isn't that gorgeous?

we really are feeling all festive und moist now...
what gifts of wonderment can we bestow upon you this week?

"Can't wait to see what Santa's brought me"
open this one first!...

"It's Christmas: A Premature Celebration"
we have a beguiling, extensive review of the nacht's unfoldments from two celebrity key players
the beautiful Bearer of the Twig herself Donna und the equally desirable Steve in the BRAND NEW
"That's Entertainment!" sectsssion, a sectssssion exclusively put aside for Pretty Lady wiiiisitors reviews...
oh yes... should you have any reviews, eyewitness reports und suchlike please send them to us... here

it's an updassssion of the wonderful world of world of wonder!
with a link to their soon to be revamped website!

another delicious slice of noise from the faaaaabulous a0x,
indeed part 3 of his Christmas Special art series
(in the sound sectssssion)

more snippets for the obsessive compulsive
in the all new all new, re-re-vamped,
now split into easy to load sectssssions
obsessive compulsive!

a link to more links...
how avant garde!

til next time then
love to all
Count Lovely und Spike
xxxxx

Good Lord!
More news already?
oh yes
crack open the
Blue Nun
just lately, news seems to be flooding through
Pretty Lady
like a
dose of salts
via the beautiful, radiant entity known as
Tina The Toilet Slut
who has taken time out betwixt choosing fabrics, telephoning caterers, putting together sugared almond "favours"
und ensuring the bridesmaids don't balloon beyond their alloted dress sizes to furnish us with more up-to-date wedding plans for you to peruse a-la
The Pretty Lady Chapel D'Amour
there are celebrity biographies outlining the chequered careers of each of the happy couple
und full, exciting details of the sparkling occasion itself to boot!

beautiful!
with love to you all
Count Lovely und Spike

back to yesterday's news index