ZINGERS!!!!!!!!!!

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. --Bobcat Goldthwait

 
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. --Jim Carrey

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. --Elayne Boosler

 
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? --John Mendoza

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. --Bob Ettinger

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. --Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. --Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. --Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. --Jerry Seinfeld

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. --David Letterman

 
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. --Lily Tomlin

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' --Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh no! I could be eating a slow learner. --Lynda Montgomery

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. --Paul Rodriguez

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! -- Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -- George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. -- Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -- Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -- Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. -- Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. -- Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" -- Jay Leno

I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." -- Mike Binder

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. -- Stephen Leacock

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -- Roger Simon

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. -- Pearl Williams

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -- Dave Edison

 
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. -- George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. -- William Coronel
 

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