1 August 1996
9:15 am -- Quick Thought: A child tries to avoid mistakes at all costs, because they hurt so much. An adult realizes that mistakes are necessary for growth; when you can't avoid them, you learn from them.
11 PM: I saw Sharyn [my other therapist] on Tuesday (7/30), shared with her my trust issues. She joined me in my happiness for my breakthrough, and one of the things she said particularly struck me. She said that after my recent failed relationship with L*, when she heard me speaking of what I had learned from it, she could tell that I truly didn't believe what I was saying, not totally. But now Sharyn knew that I mean it when I say that I trust myself, I trust in my instincts, I was right about L* (in that she was not the right one for me).
It always does amaze Sharyn a bit when I have such a breakthrough, in that I almost seem ready to chuck it all, etc., and then the bright light shines through and I just run with it. Or like Sharon said, it's like doing a puzzle with a crucial missing piece -- when you find that piece, then everything else falls into place. Sharon helped me to get the rest of the puzzle -- June helped me to find the missing piece. It's not like I'm cured (thinking about going to work still makes me queasy), but I'm not as far from my goals as I thought I was.
The thing with her did set me back a lot, gave me a lot of confidence but took a bit more away. It's very hard when you fall in love with someone and your gut tells you she's giving love back, but when you question her she avoids and denies it. It's hard to believe in your gut when the person you love is telling you you're wrong. Having the Trust Revelation rather helped me put the her incident in perspective: I was human, wanting love, figuring even a little love was better than no love, and she was human, too.
The Trust Revelation (TR) also made me realize there was more than one thing bugging me about going back to school. I miss science terribly -- that fact is pointed out to me every time I can converse with my mom's doctors and nurses on their level. The TR made me re-evaluate those experiences [in school], and see that I can trust myself not to make that mistake again, because I am no longer the same person I was then. I reacted then in the only ways I was capable of; I have grown since then and can trust myself to act in healthier, more appropriate ways. But as far as Nicholls is concerned, it's a dead end, and not only because she is still there.
One other thing I want to write about before I forget. I've had a couple of my women penpals (L* and one named C*) ask to come visit me in my home. After swallowing the lump in my throat, I told them that we really don't have room for visitors (and we don't), but I would like for them to visit if they stayed elsewhere. What I didn't tell them (I didn't really realize until after the TR) was that having them stay at my home meant having them stay in my room, my Safe Place, and that only very special people may enter this place. And my gut told me they were not trustworthy enough to sleep in my room. Enter, yes, (even L*), but not sleep.
What made me realize this? The fact that I'm now ready to do a major rearranging of my room so that my newest friend, Suzy, may stay here when she visits in September. We only started writing each other a month ago but the emotions are already incredible. My gut tells me she has the potential to be "the one", so I'm proceeding as slowly as I can bear. And having gone through the TR and re-evaluating my relationship with L*, I know I have to watch out for thoughts of, "Oh, good, I've found someone to take me away from all this." We are just so compatible in so many ways, it's hard for me to imagine there will be any problem we can't work through. But I will wait and see, slow and easy is always the best policy.
Oh, yeah, another thought I almost forgot to mention. I wrote to Suzy tonight that I realized that I had seen L* as a way to escape my life. To escape from thinking about school or work. She [L*] would take care of me and I wouldn't have to worry about that crap anymore. I now realize I was trying to take the easy way out, but fortunately my gut wouldn't stand for it. Wouldn't stand for being completely isolated in exchange for being "taken care of" -- I had a week of it and that was enough. Fortunately, thanks to the TR, I realize I don't need to take the easy way out, what I want to do is not as difficult as it once seemed. Challenging but possible. I want to be a contributing member of a partnership, not just a sex partner and someone to whine about how much she does for me.