3 August 1996
1:45 am
I just got off the phone with Suzy a few minutes ago, and the first thing that happened when I hung up the phone was that a wave of uneasiness came over me, like maybe I was making a big mistake, etc. It was not hard to figure out what brought this on: Suzy told me that she loves me.
What was a slightly more difficult thing was to figure out why. Answer: it's pushing all the L* buttons, which are still pretty fresh. I knew she [Suzy] was waiting for me to say, "I love you, too," but I just couldn't, not yet. Oh, I do feel definite love potential here, I'm definitely in love with her, but I'm not ready to say "I love you" out loud yet.
I'm so afraid to tell her I love her and maybe jinx things between us or something. I'm remembering how quickly I told L* that I loved her and it backfired on me. Like I said earlier in this journal, just because the TR opened my eyes doesn't mean I fully trust my heart and my gut. And myself.
I have to keep reminding myself that Suzy is not L*, and that I am proceeding slowly and carefully, even though it doesn't always seem that way. That my gut gave me its input and I listened to it enough to think about things, shows me that I have learned and I am beginning to trust myself. Going in a new direction is scary, opening my heart to another person is scary, especially after the L* episode.