survivor or victim?

Note: this was written in November 1998, and a lot has happened since then.

You know, there are lots of mornings when I wake up and ask myself, "Am I gonna be a survivor or a victim today?" Most of the time I don't even consciously ask myself that question, but my actions show which answer I've chosen.

For the longest time, the only answer I could give to that question was "victim." I didn't even know I was asking myself that question, nor did I feel I had a choice other than that one. I'd never had help dealing with the various traumas I've been through in my life, and was (for the most part) under the impression I could not escape from my emotional hell. I gave literally years of thought of escaping via suicide, but I guess even then I wasn't totally a victim, some part of me was a survivor. I wrote an essay about my experiences a few years ago, which I called "Trapped in a Victim Mode," because that was exactly how I felt. I tried to hope things would get better but they didn't seem they would.

I've done a lot of work, a lot of growth, in the past couple of years, but sometimes I get REALLY tired of being a survivor. Sometimes I just wanna go to physics class (the bane of my existance this semester) and just have a nervous breakdown right there. Just ramble on about all the $#*& I've been through and basically make everyone feel sorry for the big fat crazy grrl. I could do it really well, it wouldn't take very much acting at all, all this stuff is just bubbling under the surface anyway. But taking advantage of teachers this way really makes me sick to my stomach. Not to mention making such a scene in front of my classmates -- this is a small school and quite a gossip mill.

So what's a girl to do? Pull all her hair out? Stuff it all in and get zits all over her face? Go postal and kill everybody around her. Noooooooooo. Well, all she can do is try to live her life one day at a time. Hopefully in future semesters she can eliminate the truly aggravating courses (won't happen next semester -- gotta take Physics part two. ARRRRGH!). So going postal is out. So is telling everyone EVERYTHING. I guess I gotta try to find the middle ground, somehow. Whatever the %@#& that might be.

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