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Here is your weekly Jokes. I will update this page as much as I can.
Some Jokes contain adult material.
Used Car
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon
two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped
and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no,we bouth it"
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't Drive"
"Then why you buy it"
"We were told that if we bouth
a car here we'd
get screwed,so we're just waiting.
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they
are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes
is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something,"
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it. At some point
in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs"
mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for
your mistake.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving
you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a
fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just
say "You're welcome."
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks A. Lot," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will
be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Is this
not the truth!
Living
in '04
You know you're living in 2004 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers
to reach your family of
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial
on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before
getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18.
Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19.
You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled
back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at
yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends ...you know you want to!
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The
Kitchen B*tch
A mother was
working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She
heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of b*tches
who want off, get the hell off now...cause this
is the last stop! And
all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the
train...cause
we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
of language
in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are
to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you
may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of
the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped an! d the mother heard her son
say..."All
passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with
us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
remember, there
is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As
the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please
see the b*tch in the
kitchen...." | |
Below there are Lots of funny flash pages
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