this is work in progress or homilies or miscellaneous items

that don’t warrant a page by themselves

or seem to fit better here



pending poems  index



chronological order is from the bottom to the top of  the page



audio files can be complemented by listening to them  with the eyes closed  !

“ attention 


deficit


 hypocrisy ”


is


where


people


pretend


sympathy


but


won't


do


a

bloody


thing


to


help


remedy


it




even


if


they




are


the

cause


of


the


situation
















why


don’t


i


write


so


much


about


the


problems


of


men ?


being


male


i


don’t


see


them


so


clearly
















i'm


going


to


coin


a

new


phrase


“ attention 


deficit


 hypocrisy ”




i


won't


say


women

are


particularly


prone


to


it


but



maybe


they


are
















interviewers


are


unintentionally


destructive
















i

never


intended


to


be

a


writer


i


just


found


myself


writing


a

lot




the


rain


just


stopped !


and


started




again !


softer


this


time
















i


think


truely


a

humorous


person


is


most


unhumorous !
















i feel


ill


i


want


to


lie


down


i

am


comatose


1


+


1


+


1


=


3


meaning


i


am


ill


which


is


about


how


i


work


it


out
















its



just


so


typical


pain


around


the


eyeball


on


one

side




another


migraine !
















i


think


at


this


point


i


would


have


rather


never


existed




how


depressed


is


that !
















“ what 


do


you


 do ? ”



“ WRITE ”



“ that's 


 nice ”



“ it 


might


be


a

bit


more


than


 nice ! ”
















“ trusted 


 content ”


don’t they


make


you


sick


spammers


to


med


sites


not


much difference



usually
















menopause


women


with


non


functional


immune


systems


due


to


no


estrogen
















don’t


be


under


any


illusions


about


life




 EVER !




its


all


derived


and


horribly

penal
















the


attention


deficit


hypocrites


they


cry


with


grief


or


anguish


then


do


nothing


effective


because


they


don’t


give


anything


long


enough


attention
















there's


so


much


we


think

matters




doesn't
















this


writing


is


not


really


for


YOUR


benefit




its


for


MY




benefit
















pain


can


eat


up


your


life




in


fact




it


does
















the


years


pass




and


the


years


pass




and


the


years


pass




and


the


years


pass
















a


labour


of


love


always


becomes


dust
















the


years


pass


and


they


pass


and


pass


and


pass




yerr.................
















i


like


hafiz


better


than kabir


tho


kabir


has


something


to


him


but


hafiz


has


more


salient


human


and


life


judgements
















communism


and


socialism


is


always


doomed




it


doesn't


work


economically




resource


allocation


is


too


inefficient


or


downright


bizarre
















its


an


intrinsic


part


of


large


companies


politically


able


and


functionally


disabled


people


at


the


top
















psychologically


we


are


designed


for


tribal


warfare
















don’t


try


and


straighten


people


out




avoiding


them



is



the



best



policy



YES



jehovah's


witnesses




mormons


and



YOU



i


now


see


what


jeremiah


was


on


ABOUT !
















just


listening


to


me


hurts


your


brain !
















its


weird


to


arrive


at


this


point


after


so


many


years




no-one


reads




no-one


thinks




no-one


is


interested




and


this


is


the


best


way


given


how


people


usually


react


to


any


notion


they


are


WRONG


MEDICINE


is


a


pretty


good


example




why


are


doctors




so




sucky




to




deal




with ?
















americans


are


a

coarse


people


and


coarse


culture
















aging


is


a


deliberate


form


of


slow


execution


by


evolutionary


design
















you


go


to


a


church


you


sing


you


go


through


a


few


mood


shifts


is


that


what


it


is


all


about ?
















the


problem


parents


have

with


children




is

they


are





like


them
















where


god


is


groups


are


not




where


groups


are


god


is


not
















when


you


look


at


powerful


men


divorce


remarriage


mistresses



what

was



all

their

power




about ?
















when


i


look


at


the


world


its


frightening




everything


is


moving
















that


dreaded


killer


of

middle


aged


women


menopause
















being


forcefully woken


the


sleep

deprived


weep
















we


do

not


become


entirely


unconcious


when

we


go


to


sleep


people


who


sleep


deeper

are


more


likely


to

fall


off


the


bed
















the


net


is


a

form


of


memory
















what


i


am


saying


is


religious


belief


is


a front


they


don’t


actually


believe


in


god


and


if


they


think


they


do


they


don’t


understand


themselves




which


they


don’t
















religion


doesn't


believe


in


god




so


they


can


look


at


me


and


my


confidence


in god




which


validates


their


belief


so


i


suppose


i


am


some


use


to


them
















our


lives


in

the


large


reflect


infinity


and


in


the


microscale
















men


soil


the


sacred
















humans


are


fast

breeders


in


extremity


a

mother


will

abandon a

child


there's


more


where


that


came


from
















men are not brittle like women , they sort of bend
















as


far


as


i


can


see


it's


a

totally


unique


writing


form


which


makes


me


think


i


got


something


right
















she's


strategizing


on


manipulation


and


blackmail


is


part


of


that


and


the


reality


of


blackmail


is


the


threats


can

be


carried


out
















propaganda


 = 's


propagation


of


the


fatih


and


actually


its

a


sort


of


tautology


what


is


propagated


is


what


the


faith


is




human


history


is


pretty


crummy


: o )
















when


you


follow


up


the


meaning


and


history


of

a


word


you


can


see


into


its




soul
















i


died


before


i


died
















 i


do

not


fear


death


but


welcome


it


i


have


no


fear


for


the


future


or


regrets


for


the


past
















advertising


is


a


completely


amoral


business




completely




no


different


from


propaganda


really
















i'm


sorta


starting


to


suspect


that


i


will


be


quite


well


known


but


not


well


known


one


day


at


least


for


this


if


not


for


these


writings


; o )


since


everyone


who


is


ill


comes


up


against


it


at


one


point


or


other




it


has


already


made


me


enemies


in


the


pro


chelation


camp




dangerous


even


they

are


not


benign
















 i


was


thinking


there's


no


reason


for


daughters


not


to


be


genetically


programmed


to

take


advantage


of


their


mothers


going


into


menopause
















are women


in


awe


or


not


in


awe


of


men?


the


modern


mindset

has


to


have it


one


or


the


other


like


women

are


in


awe


of


men


or


they


are


not


in


awe


of


men




i'm


trying


to


express


a

fusion


or


ambiguity


of


both
















if


god


“ designed ”


the


world


then


he/she


is


a

pyschotic


twit
















are


women


ever


in


awe


of


men ?




i


don’t


think


so




well




maybe

a


bit
















health


is


the


basis


of


life


if


you


don’t


pay


attention


to


issues


like


sleep


and


food


there's


just


no


bottom
















it


just


amazes


me


the


extent


to


which


i


am


getting


nothing


done
















we


need


some


common

basis




why


should


you


listen


to


me


and


i


address


you ?




are


you


interested


in


what


is


true ?




but


even


raising


the


question


of


wether



something




is


true




will


affront


you !




can


you


see


that


if


you


get


upset


even


at


the


approach


of


questioning


what


is

true




then


you


are


not


interested


in


truth




truth


is


only


determined


by


to


and


fro




so


if


you


cannot


tolerate


questioning


then


there


can


be


no


to


and


fro




hence


no


establishment


of


what


is


true
















address to mormons :



you


have


never


seen


god


and


probably


disbelieve


the


notion


that


god


can


ever


be


seen


and


you


will


breed


like


stupid


rabbits
















the


friendliness


and


energy

of


earlier


years




now


the


bleak


look


of

a


withered


moon




how


long


will this


last ?
















i'm


all


enthusiasm


without


much


measure




or


the


measure


comes


later !
















there's


no


ethics


in


advertising


in


case


you


haven't


noticed


; o )


















burchfield's


best


painting


imo




van gogh


like
















the


whole


trick


to

writing


software


is


testing


use


in


a


realistic


way




yes


the


nightmare


of


e -


shop


software !
















painting


in


sound




charles


burchfield
















art


even


the


notion


of


authenticity


is


fake
















life

is


full


of


one


fiction


or


another
















the


weirdness


of


me


my


life


and


me
















la


bella


principessa


is


not


by


leonardo


da


vinci


it


was

painted


by


some-one

too


male


leonardo


da


vinci


was


very


gender


blurred


and


painted


with


a


caustic


eye




it


was


done


by


a


technically


inferior


artist
















teaching


why


would


you


presume


to


teach


anyone


anything


if


you


understand


a

subject


its


a


mutual


exploration
















its


really


hard


to

believe


that


all


philosophy


is


so


misguided


but


it


is



epicurus


included !


evolutionarily


designed

imperatives


are


a much


better


explanation


for


human


behavior
















i


am


good


at


solving


hard


problems




i


am


not


sure


this


is

personally


beneficial




perhaps


it


is
















women


are


used


to


manipulating


men


the


way


a


cow


eats


grass
















what


teenagers


don’t


understand


is

how


well


their


parents


know


them
















we


only


exist


because


we


can
















humans are just like cats, the physiology and behaviors evolve to what gives maximal survival of offspring
















how


many


miles


of


poems


and


homiles ?




11


million



the


size


of


a

brain
















sometimes


when


i


write


something


i

think


“ how


much


flack


am


i


going


to


get


for


writing


this ? ”




then


i


add


a


bit


onto


the


end


to


mollify


it !
















tarchin


hearn


a


simulation



sad ?


perhaps




clichιs


certainly !




crimped


by


buddhism


and


not


being


his


own


self


i'd


say




brain


in


shards
















elizabethan


politics


were


incestuous
















women


are


obsessed


with


penises



obsessed


with


this


whole


process


of


insemination



and



why



shouldn't



they



when



you



consider



the



impact



it



has



on



their


lives
















imitation


is


not


the


real


thing




seems


obvious




but




its




not !
















there's


something


about


the


way


i


do


things




they


always


turn


into


a nightmare
















i


hate


unabashedly


vigorous


people


its


sorta


distressing


as


i


slough


in


front


of


the


computer

soaking


up


the


heat


from


the


wood


heater
















that


is


a

major


issue


with


the


internet


its


endless
















imitation


is


the

sincerest


form


of


admiration


because


thats


the


the


way


it


occurs
















people


are


such


con


artists


they


will


always


talk


to


you


as


though


its


their


welfare


that


is


raison


d'etre


of


everything
















death


is


quite


simple


they


are


no


longer


there
















theres


lots


of


things


you


may


not


like


but


if


you


look


carefully


are


going


your


way


and



should


be

abetted


and


not


suppressed


or


the


attempt


thereof
















the


genetic


imperative


is


this




how much


of


yourself


do


you


leave




when


you


die ?
















you


don’t


“ get ”


aging




its


the


slow


killing


of


you
















young


adults


and

teenagers



they


can


hear

good


advice


from


everyone


except


their


parents


; o )
















just


looking


around


we


take


male


and


female


so


for


granted




that


reality


is


divided


in


this


way
















kabir


he's


starting


to


sound


like


me


or


i'm


sounding


like


him
















theres


somethings


only


aging


teaches


you
















the


value


of


these

pages


is


in


their


idiosyncrasy and


hopefully


straight


thinking


if


you


just


want

the


socially


acceptable


stuff

with


the


usual


involuntary


dash


of


insanity


there

are


endless


mills


of


it

on


the


web
















the


breeders


win


they


always


have


its


a


bit


tautological


isn't


it


; o )
















i


don’t


see


why


god


shouldn't


throw


dice




but


being


god


perhaps


he


does


and


doesn't


throw


dice


or


does


and


doesn't


and


does


or


doesn't


and


and


does


and


does


.


.


.


.


.


.


.




.
















“ what   


you


are


writing


about


fractals


and


string

theory


is


   nonsense ”




“ i   


don’t


take


nonsense


as


a

   criticism ”
















physics


relies


on


scale


for

meaning


fractals


are

self


similar


regardless


of


scale


which


is


correct


or


is


physics


a


special


case


of


fractals ?




actually


i


don’t


even


think


fractals


are


correct


or


the


world


would


come


to


an


end


long


ago
















one


of


the


secrets


of


good


joints



is



not



to



use



them



too


much
















quite


a


good


example


of


advanced


mathematics




you


don’t


have


to


know


the



equations



you



can



see



it



visually



part  1


part  2
















a


house


is


a


machine
















i


can


never


make


any


money


because


i


can't


repeat


anything
















you


really


can't


separate


bukowski


from


his


alcoholism





his


potential


was


crimped
















the


remorseless

crushing


wheel


of


illness


and


aging


spiking


through


body


and


brain




keats's


nightingale




is


an


escape


from
















string


theory

and


planck


length




planck


bent
















world


war


II


coarsened


the


world


the


loss


of


so


many


jews


the


highlight


of


cultural


intelligence
















“ a


geometry


of


shapes


which


is


equally


rough


at


all

scales ”





dr. mandelbrot




















my


fractal


equation


for


life




is


=


is


not


+


something


else
















“ the


word


fractal


means


any


geometric structure


that


has


detail

on


all

scales


of


magnification


no


matter


how


big

you


make


it


you


still


see


extra


new


details


you


didn't


see


before ”





reality


is


obviously

a


fractal
















how


many


angels


on


the


head


of


a pin ?



at


one


extreme


its


less


than


one



at


the


other


its


infinitely

many



its

a


fractal
















when


you


are


teaching


people


you


are


needing


something



it's


not


just


money


and usually it

only


costs


you




validation ?


reality


disorientation ?


some


belief


in


a


better


future ?
















just


building


and


learning


how


to


work


a


computer



is


all


the


mental


stimulation


i


want !
















if


men


think


they


are


unappreciated


consider


this



to


fix


things


to


be


compedent


that's


why


they


were


chosen


and


the


work


put


in


to


be


snared




the


compliment


has


already


been


made


why


expect


it


to


be


made


twice ?
















everyday


that


passes


if


you've


worked


out


something

a

bit


better


that

gives


strength
















if


les


murray


doesn't


get


the

nobel


prize




there's


something


wrong


with


the


nobel


prize




there's


something


wrong


with


the


nobel


prize
















how


many


virgins


in


a


pin ?




you


see


the


problem


; o )
















writing


poetry


re -


wires


your


brain !
















everything's


going


wrong


i


am


going


wrong




why


am


i


going


right ?
















people


who


reject


you




you


just


have


to


step


back


and


look


to


the


advantage




in


love


it


can


be


an

advantage


not


to


be


in


love
















“ oh


god


if


there


is


a


god


why


has


thou


chosen


to


bestow


all


thy


favours


on


me ”





ug krishmanurti





if


only


i


wasn't


so


disregarding


of


it !
















start


before


you


start


and


finish


before


you


finish
















for


things


to


improve


you


have


to


see


the


limitations


of


the


present


set


up




if


theres


nothing


to


improve


then


it


can't


improve
















women


are


hormonal


monsters
















i


am


never


bored


infinity


is


always


just


out


the


door
















the


worst


feature


of


prison


is


the


way


it


crimps


the


diet
















the


californian


legal


system


is


not


noted


for


intelligence
















enlightenment


is


a

fiction
















american


culture


scientology


looks


normal


in


california
















“ i


am


the


only


validity ”




“ in


that


case


why


are


you


talking


to


us ? ”




validity


does


not


translate


to


sufficiency
















i


don’t


have


an


hypocrisy


about


death


i


have


killed


and


killed


plenty


i


don’t


fear


it


indeed


welcome


it


we


may


not


come


from


something


greater


but


we


certainly


return


to


it
















how


to


be


successful


without


actually


having


any


success ?
















you


execute


me


you


have


executed


yourselves
















arnold schwarzenegger


is


a


total


hypocrite


he


approved


the


execution


of


tookie


williams


who


imo


was


high


testosterone


to


the

point that


remorse


was


not


possible, but was performing


a

socially

useful function with


his


gang kids


outreach


his


attitude


was


not


so


different


from


conan


the


barbarian
















as


you


get


older


all


you


care


about


is


how


people


are

aging


in


relation


to


you  ; o )
















i


think


zen


is


basically


a


cult
















fed


to


the


wolves


from


birth




whats


hard


about


that ?
















hopeful


christian


/neville


cooper


a


functioning


schizophrenic
















an


atheist


says


this


physical


reality


is


all


there


is


and


thats


not


the


case
















EST


werner


adi


da


bert


potter


and


centerpoint


mormonism




the


world


is


not


short


of


endless


self


abetted


cons
















if


you


have


a


limited


notion


of


god




you


are


obliged


to


invent


the


circular


notions


of


heaven


and


hell



and



all



that



nonsense
















if


they


reject


you


theres


no


obligation
















the


degree

of


insanity




in


religion


is


unbelievable
















i


am


the


only


authentic


thing


around


and


you


reject


me


you


rejected


me


then


and


you

reject


me


now


you

are

doing


me


a

favour


and


perhaps


yourself

a


favour
















you


go

to


sleep


you


wake


up


and


everything


is


work
















the


real


thing


always


gets


rejected
















do


women


know


    moderation ?



  no
















cults


are


an


artifact


of


human


evolutionary


breeding


pyschology
















you


can


be


mentally


retarded


and


still


breed
















our images of ourselves are like little pictures within the brain, it always knows more than we do
















well i am sure that the  real  cowboys in the old days actually being out on the range so to speak had a much better insight into not being human than we do nowadays with the constant and neverending impress of people
















if


you


make


a

mistake


don’t


repeat


it




have


a


bit


of


a


think


and


working


through


and


get


the


problem


sorted


out


in


your


brain
















extraordinary !


8


million


kilometers


of


neuronal

wiring


in


the


human


brain !
















european


culture


for


aborigines


is


a


particularly


toxic


waterhole


or


dreamtime


gone


bad
















you


people


don’t


know


anything


about


the


absolute


side


of


life



violate


and


shit


on


it



is


your


rule
















god


is

not


found


in


collectives
















god


is


not


found


where


there


are


collectives




religious


or


otherwise
















look


at


what


you


actually


do




and



not



what



you


think


you


do
















if


you


can't


solve


a


problem


now




leave


it


awhile




you


may


be


able


to


solve


it


later
















the


whole


problem


with


fame


is


many


to


one
















if


you


don’t


live


for


tomorrow




how


are


things ?
















if


you


are


trying


to


tell


people


something




you


must


be


mad
















men


are


frightened


by


the


word


“ love ”
















celibacy


is


just


like


everything


else


it


has


to


be


completed


in


some


way


to


be


effective
















a


frenetic


menopausal




man


or


woman


guess


which?
















men


are


so


self -

similar


; o )
















the


wonders


of


communism



everyone


equally


broke



but


they

weren't


quite


were


they ?


mao


tse -


tung's


palaces


and


stalin's


country


estates




stalin


had


good


taste




i'll


say


that


for


him
















women


are


so


self -


similar
















humans


are


like


mole


rats


blind


and


stupidly


tunnelling


forever




forever


is


infinity


but


there

are

right


ways


and

wrong


ways



to



go


about


it
















a homily needs to be read in the context of the homilies that are before and after it
















are you not confident about the reality that you are so concerned to dispute it ?
















love needs some adequacy of material resources to flourish


otherwise life is too hard
















love is always a mixed bag


people don’t stay the same either
















a


critic




one


who


pretends


to


understand




and


doesn't


see


his


own


pretense
















death


is


so


sweet


i


could


taste


its


nectar


on


my


lips


forever
















step


over


to


the


other


side


and


come


back


to


your


life
















take

a

pearl


and


smash


it


with


an


axe
















the


dreamtime


gives


its


permission


to


those


it


favours
















your


joys


are



not



mine
















i


am


living


in


the


dreamtime


always


have
















you


are


always


walking


in


god
















you


can


do


something


but


for


want


of


seeing


the


larger


picture


would


have


been


better


doing


something


else


or


often




nothing


at


all
















the


cruel


fools


and


their


ship


of


woe
















what


infinity


hath


joined




the


world


will


not


sunder
















about


the


only


thing


that


keeps


women


faithful


is


sex


and


children


to


keep


them


occupied




and


possibly


money
















sometimes


i


just


sit


back


and


tell


myself


i


don’t


know




i


think


that


part


of


not


knowing


is


accepting




there


may


not


be


a


favourable


outcome
















the


world


is


just


an


arsehole


valley


full


of


arseholes




i


don’t


exclude


myself !
















we


are


so


much


what


our


parents


have


been
















the


“ master


and


magarita ”



my


bcd


copyright


page



that


surreal


realm




where


gods


justice




is


visited


to


arseholes




on


earth
















its


sorta


depressing




people


have


no


interest

in


poetry
















the


frost


and


moon


so


white




it


might


as


well


be



day


as

night !
















the


existance


of


self


is


the


creation


of


boundaries


where


in


fact


there


are


none
















since


all


things


gravitate


to


infinity




if


you


allow


it


it


will


gravitate


you




“ not


gravitating


to


infinity ”



is



a



special


circumstance



of



“ gravitating


to


infinity ”
















who


am


i


who


are


you ?




who


is


the


sky




who


is


the


sea ?
















eileen


and


andrew


have


raised


the


bar




for


lovers


; o )
















as


you


get


older


the


short


term


memory


goes




you


really


have


to


get


involved


in


WRITING
















you


only


want


to


learn




not


enter


the


deep


structure
















genuinely

not


knowing


hurts !




it


remorselessly


drags


your


brain out
















the


fortune


of


misfortune !
















i think acting is easier than weaving in experience which is why the younger generation go for it


there's also a lot of treachery implicit in this attitude


its the sort of treachery that expects to be forgiven too


very


russian
















what


its


all


about


is


we


are


decoyed


into


various


forms


of


nonsense


to


persuade


us


to


breed




for


instance


the



world


exists


there


is


continuity




children


are


their


parents


...............
















the


monster


insomnia



eating



your



eyes



your



face



your


heart
















women


are


like


cats




they


can


be


trained


to

a

certain


point




but


they


never


lose


sight


of


the


essentiality


of


their


existance


compared


to


yours
















we


do


need


to

starve


occasionally




designed


for


it
















you


have


to


be


stretched


beyond


breaking


point




break




and


then


stretch


again
















death


is


constantly


in


our


lives




but


mostly


he


is


dressed


up


to


look


like


something


else




happiness


for


instance
















reality is like a small dark picture in a vast immeasurably rich and bright canvas of nonexistance /infinity


when you cease the small dark picture disappears
















if you have in mind a painting you want to paint, can visualise it


it has an existance of a sort even tho you haven't painted it


real is not black and white
















another person's brain is utterly ungovernable
















the  enchiridion


8. “ don’t demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well. ”
















life


there


is


no


problem


to


be


solved




death


does


and


doesn't


solve


everything
















women


want


their


cake


and


eat


it
















i

am

too


straightforward


for


my


own


good !
















slyness


is


deceit


without

being


caught


: o )
















i'm


on


strike


with


myself


and


life
















i have


become


a


different


person


so


many


times


i


am


wearied


of


it




yeah


a


new


phase




knowing


what


i


am


doing


more




my


brain



is



working



better
















life


rewards


everything


except


infinity
















i


think


its


all


purest


if


it


disappears
















eileen writes:




not


as


blinkered


by


hormones


i


see


no


road


forward






my


reply :





the


backward


road


goes


as


far
















one


day


i


woke


up


and


won !
















the


best


jesus


yet !


herpes


on


the


lower


right


lip !


an


historical


first ?
















solace


is


like

a


fundamental


theme


like


the


really


shitty


lives


that


those

most

able


to


appreciate


beauty


have
















just


in


case


you


are


wondering


“ the


master


and


margarita ”


is


a


a parable


about


infinity


and


is


a


bit


about


impossible


solace
















women


are


not


wishy


washy


at


all




men


are


wishy


washy
















even


the


devil


gets


old


and


dies




no


more


eternal

than


the


human


race !
















there's


more


to


the

world


than


meets


the


eye


but


its


not


the


absence


of


heaven


or


hell
















“ yeah out of his depth he was ”



yeah but this is the tricky part


if


we


look


we


are


always


out


of


our


depth
















if


theres


one


thing

i


have


learnt


about


women


its


give


way


if


you


are


able


to
















its exactly the point


narrowness comes from not looking wide enough
















can


we


arrive


at


death


before


we


get


there ?
















when


people


react


in


a


bad


way


its

because


they


feel


threatened
















“ the


master


and


margarita ”


was


written


in


blood
















i


think


amber

a

s


a


personality


is


a


bit


miserable


no


generosity


of


spirit
















its


better


to

starve


than


work


in


a


factory
















when


i


look


at


all


the


tragedy


my


life


feels


under -


weight




but


i


don’t


suppose


they


were


that


conscious


of


it



it's



a


condensation
















how


much


grief


the


weight


of


grief


is



too



much



too



bear
















in


the


end


they


all


turn
















i


think


the


weakness

of


bulgakov's


“ the


master


and

margarita ”


is


that


he

tries


to

synthesize


a

plausible


historical


reality


for

jesus


whereas


it's


just

a

s


much


fiction


as


the


rest


of


the


story
















they


are


not


thinking


about


me




and


i


am


thinking


about


them
















instead


of


war


they


play


sports


with


each


other
















i'm


ready


to


go




well


not


quite !
















our


lives


are


strangest


to


ourselves
















there's


no


normal


life


if


there


is




tell



me



where?
















“ manuscripts


don’t


burn ”


the


gut


burns


i


burn
















“ the


master


and


margarita ”


is


an


infinite


recursion


of


stories




therein


lies


its


greatness
















i


don’t


have


any


advice
















what


is


infinity




that


eternal


light






















why


does


everybody


treat


me


like


an


idiot ?




just


because


i


act


like


an


idiot




doesn't


mean


i


am


an


idiot
















i


could


just


go


on


forever


ad


- infinitum




do


i


have


to


stop ?




yes
















medicine


is


the


sort


of


job


that


would


drive


a


sane


man


mad
















whats


different


about


me ?




why


doesn't


anyone


write


to


me




their


brains


get


stretched


too


much ?
















solstice


to


solstice


rolls


around
















i


saw


the


moss


on


the


apple


tree




for


the




first


time
















to


start


not


doing


something


approach


it


by


degrees




start


not


doing


it


or


otherwise


limiting




the


involvement
















i


think


modern


times


are


“ overnice ”


we


don’t


see


the


overt


brutality


though


it


occurs


in

other


ways
















nazism


was


a

cult


what


is


a

cult?


where


authority


is


ceeded


to


a


leader


and

the


followers


use


their


collective


power


to


pillage


as


they


may







OR







nazism


was


a

cult
















there


were


a


lot


of


academics


in


the


aktion


how


would


you


feel


if


there


was


an


endless


supply


of


a

race


more


intelligent than


you


slowy


displacing you


in


jobs ?




heidegger


for


one


was


onto


this !
















i


wish


i


loved


knowledge


less


and


money


more




that


would


make


me


more

normal


i


guess


: o )




for


a


man


anyway !




b


t


w



women


don’t


love


money


per


se

they


only


love


what


it


does




i


think


men

love


it


per


se
















actually


i


think


the


only


reason


i


don’t


have


fibromalgyia


is


i'm


male




why


is


it


such


a


female


condition ?
















you


can


have


a


large


message


board




an


endless


collection


of


arseholes !
















you


may


think


i'm


being


nasty


but


its


just


a


pζan


to


truth




be


thankful


some-one


cares !
















there's


fundamental


questions


about


“ teaching ”


being

a


volunteer


behavior


supporting


those


who


are

only


concerned


with


display


and


manipulation




the


usual


human


concourse
















it


was


really


weird


to


travel


10,000


miles


from


auckland


to


springwater


and


pull


back


a

red


curtain


to


see


the


meditation


sitting


bell (inkin)


on


a


cushion


the


same


as


with


the


auckland


zen


society


sits


in


the


leys


institute
















springwater


somewhat

a


clone


of


zen


buddhist culture

and


krishnamurti
















springwater


toni


packer


was


herself


or


was


she ?


no


point


in


being

a


clone


of

a


clone
















you


tube



“ the


ideal


husband ”



ibsen's


“ hedder


gabler ”



and


bulgakovs


“ moliere ”



before


breakfast
















politics


is


a


game


with


fatal


consequences
















billy


you


can


be


described


as


weak


tea


with


a


lot


of


milk !































re


doctors


treating


fibromalgyia




do


you


want


the


exposure


to


viruses




that


people


with


suppressed


immune


systems


have ?
















if


you


don’t


have


good


sleep




you


have


nothing




i


wish


i


didn't


have


to


disorder



my


sleep




to


write




this !
















you


can


write


filigree




or


you


can


write


plain




i


think


i


write


plain


; o )




though


sometimes


i


write


filigree
















the


biggest


indictment


of


stalin


was


the


execution


of


bukharin


who


apart


from


having


a


noble


soul


was


also


the


nearest


thing


he


had


to


being


a


friend !




it


was


the


combination


of


stalin


and


beria


that


so


upset


the


apple


cart




with


beria


stalin


lasted


longer


than


he


would


have




though


beria


killed


him


in


the


end




georgian


brutality


stamped


on


russia


forever !
















in

terms


of


infinity




there


is


no


such


thing


as


disordered



what


is


ordered


in


neurotypical


reality




is


disordered


in


infinity




and


what


is


ordered


in

neurotypical


reality




is


disordered


in


infinity
















when


a


woman


looks


at


a


man


she


thinks


“ am


i


interested


in


owning


him ? ”
















i


am


google ²
















the


price


of


over -


specialization


is


too


narrow


a

compass




a


modern


social


ill
















i


have


become


a


writer


typical


voluminous


output


that


no-one


reads
















autism


everything


lurches


from


disaster


to


disaster




the


opposite


of


what


we


want
















i


looked


in


a


full


length


mirror




what


the


best




dressed


hermit


wears


:

o

)


purple


hat,


scarf,


oversize


brown

wool

jersey


thermal


underpants !
















why


did


escher


spend


a


lifetime


portraying


recursion ?
















measure


for


measure


sir


henry


neville


at


his


best




is


something


else
















as


a


general


rule


you


can't


wind


yourself


out


of


a


religion




in

a


lifetime
















zen


meditation


is


a


mistake
















can


you


look


beyond


the


need


of


being


human ?
















anything


original


of


value,




how


many


generations


before


it


is


appreciated
















inflation


$160


for


“ waiting


for


godot ” !
















if


you


want


to


know


what


zen


is


about


look


at


the


“ patched


robes ”




as


fake


as


anything


else
















in

politics


you


are


just


waiting


for


the


other


side


to


make


a


mistake


and


hope


yours


are


not


too


fatal
















my


days


are


just


disappearing


into


what


i


don’t


know
















jeremiah


: o (
















the


worthless

hold


themselves




at


high


value





the


worthful


hold


themselves


at


low


value


guess


who


wins ?
















work



death



work


is


always


skating


on


death
















i


seem


to


be


caught


on

a


one


way



street



where



i



give



to



everyone



and



they



take



from



me
















the


species


survival


is


dependent


on


parents


seeing


their


children

a

s


their


own


not


just


diffuse


other


consciousnesses
















with


sculpture


its


very


easy


to


see


imagination


made


real




its


just


another


form


of


reality
















what


we


call

reality


is


secondary


to


a


single


more


intense


existance


- infinity
















about


the


only


thing


i

do


well


theres


no

interest


or


money


in
















asking


a


woman


not


to


consume


you


is


like


telling


a


steamroller


to


stop
















women manic on estrogen




men


sliced


up


by


testosterone !
















you


have


come


all


this


way


to


tell


a


madman


he


is


mad ?
















the


subtle


fatigue


of


aging
















i


am

sorry


to


say


the


normal


human


condition


is


quite


mad




with


the


odd


flash


of


sanity
















life


makes


sense


until


we


account


for


the


fact


we


die
















people


are


imperfect




very


imperfect
















when


jesus


is


painted


with


leprosy


then


i

will


believe
















a


hair


spray


jesus




fabergι ?




or


was


that


before


his


time ?
















did


jesus


have

a

skin


disease


in

between


the


hair

spray


photo


shoots ?
















people


deal


with


logic


by


assassination
















i


am


the


only


zen


teacher


personally


approved


by


the


sixth


patriarch


in


1330


years




in


a




vision




actually


there


may


have


been


at least


one other


there


is


one


of the


stories


that


was


indicative




however


i


don’t


want


to


be


assassinated !
















the


moment


you


hit


the


religious


circuit


you


get


this


huge


fake


serenity
















your


poor


little


brains


you


know


that


jelly


between

your


ears


its


soooo


sensitive
















everything


that


occurs


occurs
















the


university system is flawed


a


complete


lack


of


synchronization


between


ability


and


subject


and


subject


matter


and


content