Lab4

MSTing: The Adventures of goblins, talk showhost, bugaloos,
witchie-poos and golden flutes named freddy
   in the labrynth

by Brendan Herlihy and Steve Weinberg

--- Part 4 of 8 ---

[OPEN ON: Theater. Pearl, Gypsy, Scratch, and Magic Voice continue
riffing.]

> Jareth watched as Seymour and Orson, along with twenty or so guards
>fanned out in a pyramid shape from the door.

SCRATCH: Hey, look, male cheerleaders! And they're led by Trent Lott!
   Neat!

>Here perhaps was a way out of his boredom. A way far beyond Mrs.
> Jenifer Bass.

PEARL: But then, cotton swabs are far beyond Jenifer Bass!

> Living Island, with it's talking trees, dragon's of mayoral rank and
> owls of giant intellect,

MADGE: Was a source of cheap labor for Chrysler's overseas production.

> now there was a challenge. And beyond Living Island was the
> possibility of Tranquility Forest.

GYPSY: And then, Big Rock Candy Mountain!

> If indeed the fairy were about to enter into an age of war Jareth had
> no intention of waiting around to be attacked. But he was also not
> going to attack, not yet anyway.

SCRATCH: First he wanted to call Ed and Maddy, see if they were doing
   anything.

>
> Krun was assembling the goblin kings own guard, and like any good
> general Jareth had no intention of fighting himself.

GYPSY: Oo, he really *is* his own worst enemy.

> Smiling the Goblin King faded
> into the mist.

PEARL: The Cheshire Cat!… couldn't make it, so let's watch this cluck.
SCRATCH (whispers): Pearl, could you stamp my card, please?
PEARL: Sure. (Pearl stamps Scratch's card.)

>
> Joy crouched in the thorn bushes, trying to make herself invisible.

PEARL (resentful): Copycat!
MADGE (Joy, straining): Ungh... ergh... OK, I'm a little translucent
   now, I think...

> In
> her hand Freddie didn't so much as hum. A squad of goblin knights,
> fully armored and armed milled about in the clearing.

SCRATCH: They're waiting for some Magic geek to put'em in a Sligh deck.

> She had been resting and
> only heard them at the last minute. The silver and gold rosethorn
> bushes had offered the only refuge.

PEARL (wistfully): Man, I love this Labyrinth. There are so many wide-
   open spaces, the kids can run around, you can just lay a picnic
   blanket down and watch the sun set...

>
> A messenger ran up and said something to one of the knights.

GYPSY (messenger): I thought you guys were gonna be in white satin!
   And now you're reaching the end! What gives?

> He barked an
> order and they quickly formed into a column and galloped away. "That
> was close."

SCRATCH: We almost got involved in the story there for a second!

> Freddie said, after they had gone. "What are we going to do?"

MADGE (Joy): Well, my guess is I'll get captured while you emit a
   constant stream of irritating questions that evaporate my will to
   live.

> "I don't know." Joy whispered in pain.

GYPSY (Joy): What flute?

> The metal clamps holding her wings
> were like hot irons against bare skin.

PEARL: So what color blood ya think a Bugaloo has? Green?

> The thorns had torn her
> slippers to ribbons.

MADGE: Her slippers?
SCRATCH: Damn these foot fetishists! They have no concept of proper
   thornbush dress-tearing procedures!

> Carefully she crawled out of the bushes, getting a few more cuts and
> tearing her dress a little more.

SCRATCH: Yeah! *There* we go. Back on track.

> Then she stumbled over to a vine laden fruit tree and collapsed
> against it. One of the fruits looked down at the hopeless pair and
> smiled. "If only I could fly." Joy said.

PEARL (as Mr. Limpett): I wish… I wish, I were a flying fish.

> "Oh you are in trouble, aren't you." Jareth said, allowing himself to
> be seen. Joy paled and started to get up, only to have the ground
> turn to ooze beneath her.

MADGE: Love Canal- The Legend Continues!

> The bugaloo sank to her waist, and would have kept
>sinking if a vine hadn't dropped down and wrapped itself around her.

GYPSY: The Island of Doctor Mo-RON!

>
> "Help!" Joy shouted, only to laugh a moment later. The vine was
> covered in soft fur and was tickling her.

[All snigger.]
SCRATCH: Oh! Now it's Bugaloo Hentai!
MADGE: C'mon, Scratch. You talk like Joy is some man-teasing nymph.
SCRATCH: Well… short skirt, sleeveless top. Puts a Freudian musical
   instrument down her blouse. Gets fondled by a witch, her clothing
   is revealingly torn by a rosebush.
GYPSY: Scratch, Joy is a nineteen-year old waif who needs legal ID to
   buy Pepsi One! She flits and sings on a kiddie show!
SCRATCH: No soap? Hm. Guess we found out evil has limits.
GYPSY: Unlike this story!

>
> "Are you sure you need help?" Jareth asked.
>
> "Please help us." Freddie asked.

PEARL: To himself or to Joy?
SCRATCH: We'll just never know.

>
> "Remarkable." Jareth said, snatching Freddie from Joy's hand. "I've
> heard of you of course, but the tales really do not do you justice."

MADGE: You're much whinier in person!

>
> "Help her please." Freddie pleaded.
>
> "Well of course." the goblin king said, as if his aid was never in
> doubt. "I'll help both of you get back home." He paused. "Providing
> you help me."

GYPSY: Uh-oh. He's gonna make her drive him to the airport.

>
> "What do you want from us?" Joy managed to gasp put between laughs.
>
> "All you have to do is relax." Jareth purred,

SCRATCH (sings): For MYSTERY, SCIENCE, THEATER!
PEARL: Nah, they cancelled that.
SCRATCH: They did? Huh. I thought that'd be on forever.
MADGE: It's the network! They never promoted it! And it was on at
   such odd hours!
PEARL: Get over it, kiddies. Move on.

> lightly resting his
> fingers on Joy's forehead. "And obey."

GYPSY: Purrs, and is a control freak. I guess he really is a cat.
PEARL (Jareth): All right, a bug slave! Now I can... um... and then
   there's... (gets mad at himself) oh, poop!

>
> Jenifer hadn't slept for long, or at least she didn't think she had.
> Hunger and the scent of the apples woke her. Rolling over on her back
> she shielded her eyes against the glare. The sun had not moved from
> it's high noon position, but in the Labrynth that could mean
> anything.

MADGE (sarcasm): Oooooo, suddenly we're like Lady Dame Queen of the
   Labyrinth!

> Her pajama's were still damp, but again she wasn't sure that
> meant anything.

PEARL (losing patience): She's in a Mark Ogilvie story, and I'm *damn*
   sure *that* doesn't mean anything!

> "Marty Dissler I'm going to kill you." Jenifer groaned, sitting up.

GYPSY (Jen): Very maternally will I kill you!

> Every muscle and bone in her body ached.

PEARL: Mark is very cognizant of Jenifer's muscles, isn't he.
MADGE: Well, be fair. Better than a breast fixation.
GYPSY: Is it? Hm. Guess I'd have to think about that...

> Her pajama's had faded from
> bright green to a dull lime. The legs were in shreds and she had to
> tie the blouse at her waiste.

SCRATCH: This isn't the Labyrinth, it's Ye Olde Lemon Shoppe!

> Struggling to her feet Jenifer picked one of the apples and started
> to eat it. Three bites into it she was asleep again.

MADGE: You know, I don't care how reasonably priced it is. You *don't*
   patronize your enemy's breakfast buffet!
GYPSY: Well, at least she didn't eat any pomegranate seeds.
SCRATCH (sotto voce): Pearl?
PEARL: On it. (Stamps his card.)

>
> Something was jabbing her in the shoulder. Groggily Jenifer woke up,
>her dreams had been full of hungry shadows, each one seemingly more
>and more terrifying.

GYPSY: She's being haunted by the blueberry taste of Post Boo-Berry
   cereal!
MADGE: You know, I *thought* Jareth looked a lot like Count Chocula...

> As she opened her eyes Jenifer suddenly wished she was back
> amongst the shadows.
> A goblin, framed by the morning sun and armored in blood red steel
> loomed over at her.

PEARL (upper-class English accent): Excuse me? Have you seen a little
fox go through here?

> Jenifer didn't wonder how long she had slept this time.

SCRATCH: This is *not* the time to worry about your chronic narcolepsy!

> The only thing she was aware of was the lance that hovered inches
> from her face.

MADGE (Jen): Wow! These "Magic Eye" posters are *incredibly* lifelike!
   I wonder if they're bad for your eyes?

> Her eyes crossed trying to look at it and she
> refocused them on the goblin. He was mounted on a strange looking two
> legged beast that looked something like a snub nosed dinosaur.

ALL: DINO!
GYPSY (Dino): Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bow!

> Beneath the visored helmet he wore Jenifer could see two bright blood
> red eyes. She couldn't meet those eyes and her's fled from the
> confrontation.

PEARL: Even her eyes want out of this story.

> "What is your name wench?" the goblin asked, bringing the tip of the
> lance to her throat.

MADGE (Jen, nervous): Um, Crescent. Crescent Wench! Heh-heh! Which
   is funny, Mister Big-Lance person, sir. Please laugh.

> "J-J-Jenifer." she stammered, stumbling backward.

GYPSY: Don't you mean, (sings) Ch-ch-ch-changes!
PEARL: Can we leave the Bowie jokes for when he's in the scene, please?

> The lance followed her until it pinned her back against a tree.
> Almost gently the tip pressed into her throat.

SCRATCH (goblin): Hold still, you've got a big boil in the middle of
   your- oh, that's your nose, isn't it.

>
> "You have eaten of my fruit, I demand payment."

MADGE (sighing): Sex, chauvinism, religion... there's such a wonderful,
   multi-textural wrongness to that sentence.

> "W-What do you want?"
> Jenifer asked, knowing that the only thing she had in her pockets
> were buttons torn from her pajama top.

SCRATCH: And the only things in her pajama top were-
GYPSY: NO!

>
> "I have need of a maid."

[All snigger.]

>
> "A maid?"

PEARL (goblin, searching memory): No! Not a maid! Um, what do you
   call it, when you give her the drugged wine… a date!

>
> "Aye, my castle's a mess and my slaves can't cook a bugaloo right to
> save their own skins."

GYPSY: Grain-fed, free-range Texas bugaloo! Perfect for parties, or
   quick summer grilling!
SCRATCH (resentful): There are only four of them. Specializing in
   Bugaloo cuisine is like being a preeminent dodo hunter.

> he gestured with the lance. "Come, you can start on the privy first."

MADGE: Man, everybody down here needs a maid! Don't they get any
   illegal immigrants from Living Island or anything?

>
> "Stop!"
>
> The goblin whirled around

PEARL: 'Cuz someone yelled "stop". It's the rules.

>and Jenifer took the chance to roll away from him. She ducked behind
> the tree and looked out to see a brown fox, mounted on an English
>sheepdog stride into the clearing.

SCRATCH (British): Haloo! Quick brown fox here! Does anyone's manual
   typewriter need a once-over?

> The fox had a large white mustache, an eye patch over his left eye
> and he wore a brilliantly colored orange jerkin over a white shirt. A
> thin blue belt held up a pair of black pants and two small black
> boots completed the outfit.

GYPSY: All that, and the latest in fall apparel! Next on Mark
   Ogilvie's Fashion Parade!

> He had a staff in one hand and held onto the sheepdogs saddle with
> the other.
>
> "None shall molest a fair maiden while I, Sir Didymous still draw
> breath.

MADGE (Didymous): So you and that maid you're hiring had better watch
   your step!

> Take heart delicate flower of womanhood," he called to Jenifer, "I
> shall dispatch this knave with the swiftness of righteousness."

PEARL (Didymous): Or your pizza's free!

>
> "Delicate flower of womanhood?" Jenifer repeated dumbly, a part of
> her numbed with shock that the fox could speak, let alone give
> compliments.

MADGE: True. In television, the foxes *get* compliments, which are
   *given* by toads and weasels.

>
> "Shut up and fight!" the goblin shouted.

SCRATCH (Ali): Come on, Fox! Let's get manic in the fanfic! Do the
   rope-a-dope!

> Urging his stead to a gallop he charged the fox. Sir Didymous urged
> his sheepdog

GYPSY: So… there's urgency, then.
MADGE: Eh, maybe. Mark's being a little vague on that point.

> and the two foes came at each other with tremendous
> speed. Jenifer looked away, she didn't think the fox had much of a
> chance. He looked smaller and a lot less fierce than the goblin. Also
> he wasn't wearing any armor.

GYPSY: And his quarterstaff was a stick of Crazy Bread.

> There was a succession of clangs and crashes

PEARL (priest): And Clang begat Crash, who begat Pow, who begat Thoom,
   who begat Biff, Bop, and Whammo...

> and when she looked back Jenifer saw the goblins stead heading out of
> the clearing at full speed. The goblin close behind it, being
> harassed by Sir Didymous.

SCRATCH (Didymous): Whoa, what a cute ass! C'mon, goblin honey, I'm
   good for your career! Ya know ya love it!

> The fox continued to torment the goblin until they were at the edge
> of the clearing. Then he broke off and trotted happily back to
> Jenifer. "Greetings Milady."

PEARL (waiter voice): My name is Scott, I'll be your paladin this
   evening…

> "Uh, Hello." Jenifer said, slowly she came out from behind the tree,
> feeling very self concious in her torn pajama's.
>
> "I am Sir Didymous," he announced, "protector of the right and meek."

MADGE (Didymous): And *you*, apparently.
GYPSY: Now he's Didymous, and before he was anonymous!

>
> "Jenifer Bass, ah, talk show host. Thank you."

PEARL (Jen): Now Didymous. Tell us about your latest film. I believe
   you have a clip?

> she held up her hand and
>the fox drew back in horror.
>
> "The bracelets!" his voice became a snarl, echoed by the sheepdog.

SCRATCH (Didymous): They were made by child labor in the Philippines!

> The dog reared up on his hind legs, and when he came down Sir
> Didymous held his staff as if to protect himself from a blow.

MADGE: Does that mean what I think it means?
GYPSY (shuddering): I hope not.

>"Heartless Wench! I shall not stay in your cursed company!"
>
> With that he turned and galloped away, leaving Jenifer confused and a
> little bit frightened.

PEARL: But still tongue-tied and muscle-bound!

> "Hey... Wait... Mr... Sir... Cursed?"

SCRATCH: Hm. She must think she's on the air.

> Jenifer started to go after the
> fox, then stopped, then started again. All at once her mind started
> working and she realized what was going on.

MADGE: Just then, huh?

> Brian had been telling the truth,

PEARL: OH! So the goblin kidnapping, the David Bowie look-alike, the
   great big menacing labyrinth all could have been coincidences, but
   THE ONE-EYED TALKING FOX IS TOO MUCH TO DISMISS?! *IS THAT WHAT
   YOU'RE ASKING US TO BELIEVE, MR. OGILVIE?! HMPH?!*
GYPSY: Pearl?
PEARL: I know, I know… (growls)

> or at least as much of it as he had known. That fox must have been
> the knight from the story. Grabbing one of the apples for breakfast

MADGE (Jen): Mm, these poison apples that knocked me cold will go great
   with some farm fresh country sausage!

> Jenifer
> ran off in the direction Sir Didymous had taken. If the fox truly was
> the knight from the story then he might know a way out of the
> Labrynth and back to Earth.

GYPSY: Of course, if he did he wouldn't be stuck in the Labyrinth, but
   hey! It's not my story! I'm not passing judgement.

> If he knew that then Jenifer was going to find him.

SCRATCH: If he didn't, it would be a waste of time, and I get one stamp
   closer to Subway!

> Joy and Freddie woke with a start, both trying to remember something,
> something important. The vine around her body started to tickle her
> again.

PEARL (Joy): Oh, right, we're dying. DYING?! AAAAAAUGH!

>
> "Help!" Joy screeched, desperately trying to get her breath.

SCRATCH: What sort of Japan-porn/"Double Dare" cross-pollination
   experiment is *this* nightmare culled from?

>
> "Sure Buggy, I'll give you a hand." Horror overwhelmed Joy for a
> moment as she saw Witchie- poo standing by the clearing.

GYPSY: Well, give her some credit. She didn't do the "give her a hand"
   clapping joke.
SCRATCH: Hm, good point. I'm rootin' for the witch now.

> But the vine was
> persistent and a few seconds later she was laughing again.

PEARL: Ladies and gentlemen, the *stupidest* deathtrap since Mighty
   Jack's "really bright light"!

>
> "Make a deal with ya buggy." Witchie-Poo said, coming to the edge of
> the tree. "You give me back my flute, I'll get you out of there."

MADGE: Eminently reasonable.
SCRATCH: Yup, fair's fair. Cutting her own throat she is. And like
   Joy, this bargain won't last forever.

>
> "No!" shouted between laughs.
>
> "Suit yourself."
>
> "Give me to her Joy." Freddie said, his high pitched voice barely
> carrying over he laughter.

GYPSY: Oh, this is *such* a porn short!
SCRATCH: Yeah, Electro-Woman and Dyna-Girl are in the wings goin',
   "We *were* going to save her, but this is just too *weird*!"

>
> "No Freddie, she'll just take you and leave me here."

PEARL: Boy, Joy's got real abandonment issues to work out here.

>
> "Now that hurts," Witchie-Poo said, "don't you know that everyone can
> trust a witch?"

MADGE: As far as they can throw them?

>
> "Please," the flute pleaded, "she just wants me. You'll die if you
> don't!"

SCRATCH: Oh, just take him! Anything to stop that whining!

>
> "No!" joy sobbed, only to laugh a moment after the word left her
> lips.

GYPSY (shaking her head): This is sick.

>
> "Well okay buggy. "the witch said, leaning against a rock. "I'll just
> wait around a few hours and dig you out."

MADGE (impatient): Look, I'm sorry, but- is this quicksand? Is Joy
   being suffocated? Are the vines eating her? What precisely is the
   exact DEATH THREAT to this DEATH TRAP?!

>
> Laughing hysterically Joy reached up and grabbed another vine. It
> snaked down her arm, slipped under her blouse and started to tickle
> her stomach.

GYPSY (jaw dropping): I take it back! *This* is sick! I thought I
   knew what sick was! The scene keeps proving me wrong!

>
> "Throw me your wand!" Joy shouted

PEARL: Throw me the idol!

>
> "What?"
>
> "If you throw me your magic wand I'll throw Freddie to you." Joy
>gasped out between laughs.

MADGE (Poo): But I'll get him a minute anyway. When you die, remember?

> "That way I'll know you'll have to save us both!"
>
> "Not bad." Witchie-Poo admitted.

PEARL (Poo): You dying, I mean.

> "Okay." With a quick flip of her wrist she tossed the wand through
> the air and Joy caught it.

GYPSY: With her free third hand.

>Then the Bugaloo braced her self and threw Freddie back.

SCRATCH: With her fourth, vestigal hand.
PEARL: What is she bracing herself against? The quicksand?

> "Are you all right my little Freddy-kins?" Witchie-Poo asked, her
> voice dripping with poison honey.

MADGE: Whatcha drippin'?
GYPSY: Poison honey.
MADGE: Oh, thanks... sugar plum!

>
> "Help her!" Freddie said.
>
> "Help her?" Witchie-Poo repeated, pretending not to notice anyone.

PEARL: Who, the twelve-handed bug in the bungee cord?

>"Now how am I going to help anyone without my wand? You know I can't
> work any magic without it."
>
> "I'm not giving it back!" Joy yelled out between laughs.

GYPSY (Joy): Finders keepers, I'm still stuck in the creepers!

>"Any you'll
> never make it through the Labrynth without it!"
>
> Suddenly Witchie-Poo let out a laugh that was so chilling that even
> the vines tickling Joy froze for a moment. Reaching into her boot she
> pulled out another wand.

SCRATCH: Huh, she supplemented her boot. Guess that makes it a...
   beefed Wellington! Ha!
PEARL: It doesn't, and you know it.
SCRATCH (deflating): Oh.

>
> "Always carry a spare Buggy!" she called out.

MADGE: In case your first buggy gets caught on the dunes!

> Laughing again the witch skipped and danced her way out of sight.

GYPSY: I'm sorry, did a witch just give a magic wand to a mortal enemy
   in exchange for a gold-tinted pennywhistle she could have plucked
   from the bug's dead hand for free?
SCRATCH: Nope. All a dream. Pinch yourself and see!
GYPSY: Oo, can't. No arms.

> Though Jenifer Bass kept herself in good shape

MADGE (deep voiced): She got her bench up to 350.

> there was no way she could compete with a battle trained sheepdog.

PEARL: So she had Jeff Gillooly whack him in the knees with a
   retractable steel rod.

> Especially without sneakers or shoes. Sir Didymous and his steed were
> out of sight even before she had broken into a run, by the time she
> collapsed against a wall Jenifer knew she had no hope of catching
> them. Eating the apple she tried to think out her next move.

GYPSY: Collapsed, woke up to a goblin pointing a lance at her, and
   *de whole shebang start over again*!

> She could continue to search
> for the knight, she could try for the castle again or she could find
> a nice knife

PEARL: -settle down, and raise a family!

>and plunge it into Jareth's chest when she saw him.

ALL: Eegh! Yuk! Bleah!

> The last was a
> fantasy that eased the soreness in her body

GYPSY: I'd've felt better if the hero were someone less violent.
PEARL: Yeah, like Lawrence Phillips, or a New York City cop.

> and she was well into it when
> she heard the scream. The terror in the scream propelled Jenifer into
> a standing position, her heart stopping. But the near hysterical
> laughter that followed it made her stumble.

GYPSY: She starts! She stops! She runs! She stumbles! She speaks!
   She stammers!
MADGE: Matthew from "News Radio" was more effectual than this goof.

> She waited and it was repeated, a yell
> of pain and terror followed by peals of girlish laughter. They were
> definitely from the same person. Cautiously Jenifer followed the
> strange sounds.

SCRATCH (indicating card): Pearl, if you would be so kind?
PEARL: Dunno... can you really say nothing happened there?
SCRATCH: When the whole paragraph could've been "Jenifer heard the
   screams, and came running"? Oh yeah.

[Pearl stamps the card.]

> A few minutes later she parted the bushes
>and saw a strange sight, even stranger than what she had seen in the
>Labrynth so far.

MADGE: That's "Labrynth", folks! "Labry" raised to the nth power!

> A young girl, with wings on her back stood up to her knees in some
> sort of greenish bog. The instant Jenifer saw the wings she thought:
>"fairy".

PEARL: No, that's a *male* homosexual. Please refer to your bigot
   handbooks before hurling the epithets.

> A
> little above her were some blue furry vines that hung from a red
> tree. Two of the vines hung down from the tree and were wrapped
> around the girls stomach.

GYPSY: Oh, good! I'd forgotten what the deathtrap looked like!
SCRATCH (weakly laughing): Hey, maybe next, he'll tell us what Jen is
   wearing again! Won't that be great? (in despair) Yipee!

> Jenifer could see them moving under the girls tunic.

[All cry and moan.]
MADGE: This story is so hideously *itself*.
GYPSY: It's boldly free of artifice or pretense. I *miss* artifice and
   pretense.

> Everytime
> she laughed her wings moved, but were pulled out of shape by some
> harsh looking iron clamps attached to them. She was sinking into the
> bog, slowly but definitely sinking.

SCRATCH: So what's the point of the vines holding her *up*?
PEARL (simmering): It's the only way Mark could have her hesitate while
   she sank!

>
> Her screams and the look on her face washed through Jenifer's heart
> and any rational thought was quickly drowned.

GYPSY: It was like reading, "The Adventures of goblins, talk showhost,
   bugaloos, witchie-poos... "

> Running out of the bushes

SCRATCH: George and Barbara throw some real boring parties.

> she
> ran straight into the mud, grabbed the girl around the waist and
> pulled. There was a slurping sound

MADGE: And Jen, being maternal, put Joy right back and told her to sip
   like a lady!

> and the fairy popped out of the bog. the suddenness of it caught
> Jenifer off guard, the girl was as light as a feather.

PEARL: Which, of course, is why she was sinking- (stops short) Huh?

> Reaching up Jenifer grabbed a low hanging branch and used it as a
> brace as she walked back to solid ground. No less than five of the
> blue furry things snaked down from the tree and roamed over her body,

SCRATCH: If the book of Genesis had been co-authored by Jim Henson and
   Danielle Steele!

> but Jenifer just kept going. The tree gave up when she and Joy were
> on solid ground and in sunlight.

GYPSY: 'Cuz the vines forgot their sunblock, and they were Irish.

>
> Jenifer set the bugaloo down and pulled the blue vines off of her,
> throwing them back into the bog. Out of the corner of her eye see saw
> them climb back into the tree, and she could have sworn the vines
> looked disappointed.

SCRATCH (vine, pouting as a child): Fine! I didn't want to play your
   stupid porn games anyway! I'll go home and play with my Dreamcast,
   I don't care!

>
> It pays not to be ticklish, the talk show host told herself,

PEARL: It pays not to express happiness in any way, shape or form.

> thankful the
> vines couldn't reach her feet.

MADGE: Should one really contradict one's own sentence before it's even
   finished?

> A small hand squeezed her and Jenifer
> looked down to see that the fairy was still in pain.
>
> "Please," she pleaded, "my wings hurt so..." Rolling her over Jenifer
> looked at the clamps. They ran the length of each wing and connected
> to each other with a series of wires.

GYPSY: She's an Alexander Calder creation!

> Two clasped on each wing held
> them in place. Carefully Jenifer undid them and eased the clamps off.

PEARL: See, this is why they put locks on shackles now. They couldn't
   trust the prisoners to leave them on.
SCRATCH: Yeah, it's always one bad apple that ruins it for everyone.

> Joy cried out in pain as her wings were free, then passed out.

GYPSY: Women certainly have a lot of down time in this story.
MADGE (resentful): Meanwhile all the men run on Linux, so they're
   stable and maintenance-free.

>
> Not knowing what else to do Jenifer had carried Joy to the lake

GYPSY (sings): Love lift us up where we belong!
SCRATCH (shuddering): Oh-ho, I hope not.

> and waded into the water. Bending down she eased the bugaloo under
> the surface, keeping only her head above the water.

PEARL (as priest): Now who are the godparents of this bugaloo? Do you
   promise to raise her as a Born-Again Pupa, and accept the overhead
   porch light as her lord and savior?

> The wings looked burned, and
> cool water was the only thing she could thing of.

MADGE: Well, there was always Neosporin and a liquid bandage. But
   there, I've went and gone all med student again.

> She was relieved to see the
> look of pain on the fairy's face fade.

GYPSY (Joy): Whew! Thanks, I just needed to be out of the story for a
   minute.

> The fairy was shorter than Jenifer, wearing the remains of a silver
> tunic.

[Pearl, Scratch, and Gyspy rise to leave.]

SCRATCH: Well, enough of that life-affirming crap! Back to the soft-
   core *porn*!

[Logo, commercials]

--- End Part 4 ---

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