MSTing: The Adventures of goblins, talk showhost, bugaloos, 
   witchie-poos and golden flutes named freddy 
   in the labrynth

by Brendan Herlihy and Steve Weinberg 

--- Part 6 of 8 --- 

[OPEN ON: Theater. Pearl and girls, and Scratch, continue riffing.] 

> My name is 
> Jenifer Bass, I'm a talk show host from Dirby, Wisconsin." 

> "Wisconsin?" 

GYPSY: Oh! Oh that explains everything! I'm so sorry! 
SCRATCH: Hey guys, it's not Jenifer's fault! She's from *Wisconsin*! 


> "She's telling you the truth." Joy said, landing nest to her friend. 

MADGE: Smell her clothes, they stink of cowflops and moldy cheese! 


> Sir Didymous sat in silence for a few moments, looking closely at 
> her. Then he dismounted and solemnly walked over to Jenifer. 

PEARL: Man, no need to be such a downer, guy. Lighten up. 
SCRATCH: Two people you don't want at your party: Steve Forbes, and the 
   one-eyed rib-breaking fox. 
GYPSY: Hey, Didymous was a fun guy. I mean, he played Scrabble. 
[All look at Gypsy.] 
GYPSY: What? 

> Taking 
> off his hat he preformed a courtly bow. 

> "My lady Jenifer I must sincerely beg your pardon. For so long have I 
> wandered the Labrynth, it seems my mind has wandered from me. 

MADGE (Didymous): To defend myself from a woman hurling spells at me- 
   how egregiously antediluvian! 

> I humbly beg your forgiveness and hereby pledge all in my power to 
> serve you." 

>"It's... It's all right, really." Jenifer said. 

PEARL (solemnly): Every twelve seconds, another woman is battered by a 
   stick-wielding fox on a sheepdog. 
[Scratch sniggers.] 

> "Please get up." Sir 
> Didymous rose and Jenifer got a good look at him for the first time. 
> He really was a fox, but one that seemed to have been 
> anthropomorphized. 

[All sigh.] 

GYPSY: Like we have time for this. 
SCRATCH: So you guys saw "Talk", right? So did Hillary get a raw deal, 
   or what? 
MADGE: Mmmm... mostly raw, with a side order of what. 

> Instead of whiskers he had a long white mustache, he stood on legs 
> that seemed to have been bent so that he could walk upright. 

PEARL: Similar to how Mark was bent so he could write fanfics. 

> Two 
> fingers and a thumb were on each hand. 

GYPSY: Boy, they're digitizing everything these days. 
[Pearl looks at Gypsy] 
PEARL: You know, I understand *my* hot hatred of humanity. But what's 
   *your* deal? 

> His eyes were deep brown and 
> full of idealistic zeal. Quite unreasonably Jenifer liked him. 

SCRATCH (Jen, gregarious): Here, let me shake your- OW! (laughs) Ha 
   ha, that's right, you broke my ribs, you nut! What a kooky world! 


> "Jenifer this is Freddie." Joy said, holding up the flute. 

> "Pleased to meet you." 

MADGE (Joy): Today we're celebrating the thirtieth anniversary of the 
   first time Freddie did nothing but screech and moan like a helpless 
   little weasel baby! 
GYPSY: So did Mickey Mouse ever file charges against Freddie for 
   stealing his voice? 
PEARL: Not to my knowledge. 


> "Um... Hello." Jenifer replied, starting to lift her hand. She 
> dropped it, realizing that Freddie had no hands. The flute was as 
> human like as the fox. 

GYPSY: "Like as"? 
MADGE: Mark must be an engineer. He built a redundant simile, in case 
   of system failure. 
PEARL: I thought you were too full for grammar riffs. 
MADGE: Ah, they're like jello. There's always room for grammar riffs. 

> It's mouth was surrounded by diamonds, and the 
> metal moved like some claymation production. 

SCRATCH: No, it moved like some guy with a wire was tugging at his 
   mouth. 

> The eyes were also encircled by small diamonds, but they held a soft, 
> gentle quality. The last time Jenifer had seen eyes like that had 
> been when she had interviewed Claudette Colbert. 

PEARL: -'s cousin Agnes, the topless Las Vegas plate-spinner. 


> "Thank you for saving me, your very good with that wand." 

> "Yea, I am." Jenifer agreed, 

ALL (unenthusiastic): Yaaay. 

> again feeling power run through her. Out of the corner of her eye she 
> looked at the statue that was now Witchie-Poo. 

GYPSY: Wow, standards for Buckingham Palace guard sure have dropped. 

>"Come on, lets get out 
> of here before it wears off." 

> "But where can we go?" Joy asked. 

SCRATCH: Frankly my dear I don't give a damn! 
PEARL: You need to work on your Rhett Butler there, skink. 
SCRATCH (confused): Huh? My who? 


> "I have an excellent suggestion." 

MADGE: Oh don't we *all* have more than few suggestions at this point? 

> As one they turned to see 
> Jareth standing at the foot of the path. 

SCRATCH (resentful): Aw, crap. Every time you think you're free of 
   this turkey, he shows up more annoying than before! 
MADGE: Yeah, he's the Fairyland version of Donald Trump. 


> "I really must apologize Mrs. Bass." Jareth said, moving toward them. 
> "I have underestimated you." Jenifer and the rest of them stood aside 
> as he examined Witchie-Poo. 

GYPSY (as doctor): Now then, Miss Poo, exactly when did you first 
   notice your lockjaw had spread? 

> "In the course of two days you have solved many of my puzzles, 

PEARL (Jareth): You'll be getting a bill for those in the mail soon. 

> freed 
> a bugaloo and now learned magic." He turned and faced her. 

> "I do applaud your efforts." 

MADGE (Jareth): In that non-clapping sort of way we goblins have. 


> "And what other gifts you bring me." he purred, looking at Freddie 
> and Joy. 

GYPSY: Eh, gold, frankincense. And one of them personal fans that blow 
   misty water in your face? 


> "Leave them alone." Jenifer said, stepping infront of them. 

MADGE: Yup! This is it. He swats her away, and she groggily conjures 
   up some spinach and smears him. He'll be black-eyed, unconscious, 
   hanging by his pants from a crescent moon in a second. Just watch. 


> "Why? Do you seek to challenge me?" He looked into her eyes and 
> Jenifer felt herself slipping into him. 

SCRATCH: Isn't it the other way ar- 
GYPSY (leaning over Scratch): NO IT ISN'T! 
SCRATCH (cringing): OK, it isn't! Nicht mit the shouting! Jeez! 


> "We all do." Sir Didymous proclaimed, standing beside Jenifer. "By 
> strength of arms we shall defeat thee." 

MADGE: Yeah, the strength of *her* arms. They'll have that little 
   cartoon on her bicep, of a tank or the Rock of Gibraltar or a stick 
   of dynamite or what-not. 
PEARL: Is this the same creepy disembodied voice that was cursing out 
   those female growth fantasies last week? 
MADGE: Well, I'm not saying I like it. 
PEARL: I think you *do*! I think you're a closet perv who tapes 
   "Kiana's Flex Appeal" for her own non-corporal gratification!
MADGE: Oh, like I give one crap what the meat puppet thinks! 

> "I do not fight by strength of arms." Jareth said, taking a step 
>back. 

MADGE (pouting): Spoilsport! (suddenly) Um- I mean, good! Because 
   that would be wrong. 

>"My contest are magical in nature." 

> "I bet they are." Jenifer said. "And I bet your a lot better at them 
>than I am." she raised the wand. 

> "A safe bet indeed." Jareth replied. 

GYPSY: But not in word. 


> "But I bet she's better than I am too." Pointing the wand at Witchie-
>Poo Jenifer shouted: 


SCRATCH (Jen): YOU got me into this mess, you crazy effed up wicca b-! 


> "The bonds of evil bring naught but distress, so now let those bonds 
>disperse!" 


GYPSY: Huh? 
PEARL: Well that was an Odd Lot kind of a spell! Sounds like she got 
   it refurbished from the factory outlet! 

> In an instant Witchie-Poo was free, 
> standing infront of Jenifer. Jareth stepped back, a snarl on his 
> normally placid face. 

SCRATCH: So, Jenifer Bass, is *evil*! They were her bonds, they 
   dispersed... by her own words, she's evil! And Jareth and Poo 
   must be good! 
GYPSY: Oh, after an hour of this I doubt anything will seem good ever 
   again. 


> "Try to take my flute will ya." the witch spat the words, raising her 
> wand. 

> "Decrepit old hag!" 

> "Fancy Pants!" 

MADGE: Wow. They really need some foam-covered bats so they can 
   channel their anger. 


> "Get down!" Jenifer shouted, pushing Joy to the ground as mystical 
> energy filled the air. Jareth and Witchie-Poo launched spell after 
> spell, always canceling each other out. 

GYPSY: You know, they say the first year of marriage is the hardest. 
PEARL: So true. 

> Jenifer wasn't sure how long they would last, but she was sure the 
> winner would be weakened. 

SCRATCH: And then- POW! Right in the breadbasket! 


> "Bravo my lady." Didymous shouted, taking cover with her and Joy. "A 
> truly masterful strategy." 

> "But what do we do with whoever wins?" Freddie asked. 

MADGE: We take'em to the track and enter them in the steeplechase. 


> "We need help." Joy said. "Sir Didymous do you know the way to Living 
> Island?" 

> "Of course." the fox replied. 

PEARL (Didymous): That's why I wander the Labyrinth for all eternity. 
   HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW WHERE LIVING ISLAND IS?! 


> "Take Freddie and get help from Puff-n-Stuff." Joy handed him the 
>flute. "Neither of them can handle a dragon." 

SCRATCH (laughs): Please! Pufnstuf's a dragon like Warren Beatty's a 
   politician! 
GYPSY: So, Puff is not regarded well in the dragon world. 
SCRATCH: Nah, the celebrities of the dragon world are more like, 
   you know- that lizard from "The Freshman"... my uncle Smaug, of 
   course... Liz Taylor... 
PEARL: Hold. Elizabeth, Taylor? 
SCRATCH (sighing, dreamy): If only my neck could be as wrinkled... 


> "Right Ho." Didymous said, taking the flute he leapt on to the 
> sheepdog. "I shall return forthwith." 

MADGE: You know, a sandwich is just a sandwich, but a forthwith is more 
of a meal. 
SCRATCH: True. Wish I'd said that. 
PEARL (threatening look at Scratch): Believe me. You don't. 


> In a few moments he was out of sight. Jenifer watched him go 

PEARL (shaking his head): Head full of stuffing. 
GYPSY: Didymous? 
PEARL: No no. Ogilvie. 

> and then 
> turned her attention back to the battle. It was truly a draw, with 
> spells meeting and killing each other in spectacular displays of 
> color. 

GYPSY: Why don't they cast transparent spells the other one can't 
   see coming? 


> "This could go on for days." Jenifer said. 

MADGE: So let's describe our complex costuming again! 

> Joy was silent and Jenifer glanced over at her. The cloud was once 
> more over the bugaloos face. 

SCRATCH: R-R-R-A-A-A-AID! 

> Without a word Joy grabbed the wand away 
> from Jenifer and launched a lightning bolt against the witches 
> unprotected back. 

PEARL: The day they pushed Tinkerbell too far! 
GYPSY (Joy): Hi. I'm Joy, sales representative for Death? Today we 
   offer free samples of our specialty Death services to preferred 
   customers at no charge, just for switching to Sprint long distance? 

> It struck and for a moment Witchie-Poo was 
> vulnerable. 

SCRATCH: Huh? How vulnerable can a pile of ashes really be? 

> It was a moment that would stretch into eternity. 

MADGE (pissed): Oh, like that's *so different* from the previous ones. 

> Jareth's 
> spell enveloped her and when the smoke cleared there stood a new 
> statue in the Labrinth. 

PEARL: So the secrets of the universe were revealed to you guys in all 
   their ecumenical glory, and *you* bozos use them to throw lightning 
   and freeze stuff! 


> "Joy!" Jenifer exclaimed. "What did you do?" 

ALL (Joy, pathetic): *I DON'T KNOW?* 
GYPSY (Joy): What flute? 


> "What she was ordered to do Mrs. Bass." Jareth said, walking over to 
> them. He held out his hand and a glassy eyed Joy gave him the wand. 
>"Though I must admit this is not quite what I had planned. 

PEARL (Jareth): I thought we'd order in Chinese and flip through my old 
   photo albums. 

> Your 
> freeing Witchie-Poo was a masterstroke." 

GYPSY (Jareth): Oh, and now I see you're staring at me with a vapid 
   expression, and stammering! That's genius! What a grand adversary 
   you make! 


> "What did you do to her?" Jenifer demanded. She waved her hand 
> infront of Joy's face. Joy ignored it and stared blankly at the 
> world. 

MADGE: Oh, no, he turned her into Gillian Anderson! 
SCRATCH: The fiend! 


> "Hypnosis, the oldest form of magic. You see I didn't really want to 
> fight the old hag. We were so evenly matched it would have been a 
> waste of energy. But you, a human, a heroine. 

PEARL (Jareth): A nattering nabob of negligees. 

> You were perfect. All you needed was a little power." 

SCRATCH (Emeril): And a little essence, to kick you up a notch. BAM! 
PEARL, GYPSY, and MADGE (at Scratch): SHUT UP!


> "I bet you love to play chess." 

> "Of course." Jenifer took a deep breath, calming herself down. 

> "Alright what now? Freddy's long gone." 

> Jareth shrugged. "I have my own music. 

PEARL (Jareth): Wanna hear? (sings) DANCE! MAGIC DA-! 
GYPSY (Jen, quickly interrupting): No-no! Thank you! Maybe later! 

> But it was necessary to get the knight out of the way. He is a hero, 
> and they are always an annoyance." 

MADGE (Jen): Oh! Oh, I see now! Hero *bad*, heroine *good*! Heh! 
   I should've known! (sotto voce) Koo-koo! Koo-koo! 


> "He'll be back." 

> "My dear Mrs. Bass, getting into my Labrynth is almost as hard as 
> getting out." 

SCRATCH: Which in turn is not as hard as taking the Grape Nuts 
   challenge. 

> He raised his hand. "Come Joy." 

PEARL (Jareth): We have that dinner party with David Geffen. He's very 
   keen on your reunion tour: "Bugapalooza"! 
MADGE: Eh. I buy the "looza" part. 


> "Wait a minute." Jenifer said, holding Joy back. "What are you going 
> to do with her?" 

> "Eat her." Jareth said simply. "The wings are particularly 
> succulent." 

PEARL: Her wings are gossamer!
SCRATCH: The sinewy, well-muscled form of gossamer.
GYPSY (sings): The bug has got, a cer-tain! Wes-son-al-i-ty! 


> "No you don't." Jenifer grunted, pulling Joy back. She succeeded only 
> for a moment, then the bugaloo passed through her arms like smoke and 
> reformed at Jareth's side. 

GYPSY: He's harnessed the power of Hall's vapor action! 
MADGE (Jen): Joy's gone! And suddenly my phlegm is clearing! 


> "Wait!" Jenifer shouted. Jareth waited, a smug expression on his 
> face. Jenifer looked into his eyes and knew defeat. "Me for her." she 
> said simply. 

PEARL: And her for me. Can't you see how ha-da-da-dappy we could be? 

> "No." 

> "What?" 

SCRATCH (Jareth): Christ! Do you have *any* hearing or retention 
   abilities?! It's like trying to match wits with a Brillo pad! 


> "Mrs. Bass if I were to let Joy go I would in short time have an army 
> of hero's at my door. 

GYPSY (Jareth): Because it's *almost* as hard to get into my Labyrinth 
   as it is to get out, but not *quite* as hard as I'd previously 
   indicated! 

> That would be too much trouble just for one 
> maid." 

> "Well, wipe her mind clean then." Jenifer said. "You can do that." 

MADGE (Jareth): Yes, we get "The Drew Carey Show". 

> Jareth nodded. "I could, but then I would still have you to deal 
> with. Plotting, scheming. Planning escapes." 

PEARL (Jareth): Putting my gold-trimmed china in the microwave. 


> "Ok, ok." Jenifer said. Carefully she took Joy's hand and eased her 
> away from him. Gently she brushed the buggaloos hair from her eyes. 
> Joy reminded Jenifer so much of Cookie, her younger sister. 

SCRATCH (snarky): Oh, what's *she* wearing? 
MADGE (author): Welp, got this one character left over... kinda thin, 
   sorta late in the day, not really connected to anything... aw, what 
   the hell! Throw her in, see what happens. 

>"Here's the deal. You send her home, unharmed and I promise not to try 
> and escape, stir uprevolt or do anything like that. I'll just be a 
> maid." 


GYPSY: A maid who fights vampires? 
PEARL: No, just a maid. 
MADGE: A karate maid looking for her long-lost father! 
PEARL: *No!* Just, a maid! 
SCRATCH: Oh! Oh! A wealthy maid-about-town who models by day and 
fights crime by- 
PEARL: Stop it! You're not listening! 


> "No poisoning, no knife in the back? No attempt to harm me in 
>anyway?" 

> "I promise." Jenifer said. 

GYPSY: I can *hear* her fingers crossing behind her back. It's echoing 
   from the page like a cannon blast. 

> "Done." Jareth smiled. Joy suddenly shrunk until she was sealed into 
> a crystal ball. With a gentle puff of his breath the goblin king sent 
> the ball on it's way. 


MADGE: Godspeed, friend bugaloo! Good luck spreading infectious 
   intestinal diseases, and may you always have plenty of dead 
   woodchucks in which to plant your hideous larval offspring. 

> Jenifer watched until she was out of sight. 

SCRATCH: SPLAT! 
PEARL (Jen, horrified): Oh, my god! Right into the windshield! I 
   can't believe it! The horror! 

> Then turned back to him. Jareth smiled and suddenly they were in his 
> kitchen. It was a kitchen made from the deepest nightmares of the 
> most idealistic health inspectors. 


GYPSY (Jareth, sinister): I got the prototype from White Castle! 

> But it was not the garbage that made the new maid moan. 

> "Oh please." Jenifer said, looking down at herself. She was suddenly 
> wearing a french maid costume complete with cleavage, 


MADGE: Call me a nitpicker, but the costume doesn't actually come with 
   the cleavage. 

> mini-skirt, fishnet stockings high heels and a feather duster. "I'm 
> just a maid." she said sternly, 


SCRATCH: A maid who can time travel within her own lifetime! 
PEARL (leaning over Scratch): NO! JUST, A MAID! 
SCRATCH: OK, OK! Jeez. 

> realizing it might be the last time 
> she could draw a line in the sand. 

> "I'm sorry," Jareth gave her the sort of smile a cat would give a 
> mouse, 

MADGE: Morphopoanthrism? 

> "you'll only have to wear that when you serve food." 

PEARL (Jareth): And by food, I mean your knickers. 


> The outfit vanished and was replaced by a long brown skirt and grey 
> shortsleave blouse. A grey apron completed the outfit. 

GYPSY: Along with a name tag, saying, "Hello! My Name is Um... I... 
   Wait!" 

>"This is more 
> suitable for cleaning. I will expect dinner at seven." 

MADGE (Jen): Huh, yeah, great. Where do you keep the "screw you"? 


> He vanished and, after a sigh Jenifer started to pick up the mess. 

[Pearl, Gypsy, and Scratch rise to leave.] 

GYPSY: So, her talk show goes off the air, co-host Angela has to find a 
   real job, and Marty gets to live in the garage forever! Yaaaay!
   was hoping for a happy ending!
SCRATCH: But- but- but- my Subway card! I'm two stamps short!
PEARL: Well sure. There were eight empty paragraphs, so they made you 
   get ten. That's the scam. 
SCRATCH: I sat through all that for *nothing*? Aw, cr- I am NEVER 
   going to Subway again! NEVER EVER EVER! (pause) Man, I'm hungry. 
   Can we hit Subway on the way out?
PEARL: Speaking of free advertising, you guys gotta see this.


/ * \... = 2 =... > 3 <... [ 4 ]... ( 5 )... | 6 |... 

[CLOSE UP: A computer screen shows Web Site Number Nine, listing "Blood 
and Metal" by Shay Caron, with Michael Neylon's comment, *"For no real 
reason, I like the host segment in the 3rd part of this one"*.] 

[PULL BACK. Pearl, Gypsy, and Scratch the sky-blue dragon-demon are 
assembled at the <SOL Desk>, looking at the screen.] 

SCRATCH (unenthusiastic): Huh. Lookit. Caron wrote a little sketch 
   about Web Site Number Nine, so Neylon gave him a plug. And look at 
   all the awards he got. 
PEARL (insincere): Oh really. How nice for him. (brightening to a 
   wide phony smile) On an unrelated note, I certainly don't have any 
   elaborate singing tribute prepared. 
GYPSY: But about what? 
MAGIC VOICE (whispers): Shh! Not yet! 
SCRATCH (ala Shatner): Me neither let's. Do! Something spontaneous 
   and un, rehearsed. 

[Pause. Pearl is waiting for something, nothing happens.] 

PEARL (sotto voce, growling at Gypsy): *Now!* 
GYPSY: Oh! Um... but about what? 
SCRATCH: Somethin' cool. Somethin' kick-ass! Somethin' like- like- 
   why, Mike Neylon! And Web Site Number Nine! 
MAGIC VOICE: Awesome! 
PEARL: Then wait are we whatting for? 

[Cheesy Hammond organ music plays. The crew reacts with surprised 
laughs, Pearl smiles, and dances awkwardly to the music.] 


PEARL: Web Site, Number Nine! 
It's where MSTings you will find! 
Every stripe! Every kind! 
Funnier than M*A*S*H* and ER combined! 
Oh yes! It's Web Site Number Nine! 

[Music plays a bar or two while the crew talks.] 

PEARL: See? It's easy singing the praises of a guy as cool as 
   Dr. Mike Neylon! 
MAGIC VOICE: It sure is Pearl! Can I try? 
PEARL: Be my guest, Casper! 

[Pearl puts her hand playfully to her ear to hear Magic Voice sing.] 

MAGIC VOICE (sings): Web Site, Number Nine! 
The Taj Mahal's not half the shrine! 
If the MSTing you read has an unfunny line, 
Then Neylon'll buy you a case of red wine! 

[Pearl's face falls, dumbfounded.] 

MAGIC VOICE (sings): Our pledge! At Web Site Number Nine! 

PEARL (trying to smile, nervous): Madge? I don't think Mr. Neylon 
   makes that kind of guarantee. 
SCRATCH: Don't be silly, Pearl! Michael Neylon can do anything! 
   (swooning) He's dreamy! 

SCRATCH (sings, pathetically): Web Site, Number Nine! 
Be My Karen Valentine! 
Don't leave my love rotting on the vine 
Or I'll poke my eye out with a plastic fork tine! 
Soak the wound in salt, not iodine! 
And you? You'll have to live with my soul-piercing screams of 
   agony echoing in your head forever! 
   *Won't you*, Number Nine! 

[Pearl is now gritting her teeth, and she grabs Scratch by the snout 
 and shakes her fist at him.] 

PEARL: If you ruin this, wing monkey! 

[Suddenly Gypsy interrupts by singing:] 

GYPSY: Web Site, Number Nine! 
Better than a steak knife up the spine! 
So slap my 'hind with melon rind 
'cuz that's the penguin state of mind! 

PEARL (exasperated): *What?!* What does Bloom County have to do with 
   *anything*?! 
GYPSY: Dunno. It's just fun. (sings) Number Nine! 

[Pearl growls and pulls on her hair as Scratch, Gyps, and Madge laugh.] 

[CUT TO: Dungeon of the <House of Pain>. Organ music continues. 
 Mike, Tom, and Crow look on.] 

TOM (gleeful sarcasm): Aw, look, guys! Pearl's tribute to Mike Neylon 
   isn't going that well! 
CROW (same): Gee! After all she's done for us, too! We should help 
   her out! 
TOM: Yeah! 
MIKE (groaning, into camera): Uh-oh! Dr. Neylon, I think you'd better 
   turn your head and think about fluffy kittens! 

TOM (sings, viciously): Web Site, Number Nine! 
Run by a *porn addict* pal'o mine! 
CROW: So what if he solicited male prostitutes that one time? 
Community service, and a piddling fine! 
CROW AND TOM: Lay off! Mike Neylon's done his time! 

[Tom and Crow collapse on each other sniggering. Mike shakes his head 
 at them.] 

CROW: Ho-ho, that was priceless!
TOM: Should we have mentioned his newly acquired doctorate? 
CROW: Oh, like anything rhymes with "rampant plagiarism"! 
TOM: Hee-hee! 

[Mike sighs, and resignedly shrugs his shoulders in apology.] 

[CUT TO: <SOL>. As Pearl rages, the HEXFIELD quietly irises open 
 behind her, revealing a grad student in a white lab coat in front of 
 an Internet server with a plush Pinky toy atop it. He patiently 
 waits for Pearl to finish, arms folded, smiling like a cat and 
 tapping his finger.] 

PEARL (furious, pouty): Fine! I don't care! I mean, it's not like I 
   wanted anything important! I mean, a plug from Neylon? On Web Site 
   Number Nine? (She blows through her lips in dismissal.) Who cares? 
   The man's a geek! A great, gullible sap with an unhealthy fixation 
   on some white mouse retard! A moron, a feeb, a gaby, a complete- 

[The grad student clears his throat.] 

PEARL (angrily turns): Whadda *you*- (stops, terrified) Oh. Neylon. 

[Pearl swallows, tugs at her collar, and returns to the camera with a 
 more desperate phony smile.]

PEARL: Sap, of course, is an acronym! For... Stupendous! And... 
   Person. -able! Personable.

DR. MICHAEL NEYLON: Thanks! "Thanks" is an acronym, too. For *BITE ME!* 

[Hexfield irises out. As it closes, we hear:] 

DR. MICHAEL NEYLON (to himself): Wow, that felt good! "Bite me, pink 
   boy!" "If thou wouldst be so kind... bite me!" 

[Pearl stares at the closed hexfield for a pause. No one says anything 
 for a beat. Then-] 

SCRATCH: Hey, Gyps, check it out! You can use Pearl's music to sing 
   the Spiderman theme! 
(sings) "Spiderman! Spiderman! Does whatever a spider ca-" 

[Pearl growls and dive tackles Scratch beneath the desk. Scratch 
 yelps. Gypsy watches them as we hear them going at it. ] 

GYPSY: Oo! (looks to Cambot) Um... we'll be back. I guess. 

[Scratch makes a disturbing rattling sound, which gets Gypsy's 
 attention.] 

GYPSY: Pearl, you're gonna hurt your hand. 

[Logo, Commercials] 

--- End Part 6 --- 

Email? pinkboybuffet@hotmail.com!

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