"The
Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle"
=== PART 1 of 4 ===
Written by Peter W. Guerin
Misted by Matt Blackwell, Tyler Dion, Douglas Gale,
Brendan Herlihy, Bill Livingston, Eric Schepers,
Harold Tessmann III, Rebo Valence, and Valeria
==========================================================
[Season 10 Opening Sequence]
[It's dark on the Satellite of Love. Really Dark. Suddenly,
a light shines up from the bottom of the screen,
illuminating from beneath the head of Gypsy, a large purple
robot with a high pitched, feminine voice.]
Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand.
In the year three thou-sand! o/~
[Cambot pans away from Gypsy and towards what apparently
is the center of the bridge. A pair of lights shine
up from the darkness, lighting the faces of Tom Servo
and Crow T. Robot from underneath. Cambot pans in for
a close-up of Crow T. Robot, a gold, spider-ducky looking
robot.]
Crow: Computers will be so small that thousands will
fit in a teaspoon. They will be used to perk up
the flavor of soup.
[Cambot pans back to Gypsy, and pans across her as she
sings.]
Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~
[The view shifts to show Tom Servo, a short, red robot
who resembles a gumball machine.]
Tom: Jesus will return to Earth and lead an army of
Good against the forces of evil. On the cover of
Time magazine that week: Jewel.
[Cambot shifts back to Gypsy, once again panning by
her as she sings.]
Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~
Crow: In a frank and wide-ranging interview on Oprah,
the Ebola virus will reveal that it, too, was
trying to impress Jodie Foster.
Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~
Tom: Everyone on Earth will become flesh-eating zombies.
When the flesh is all gone, they will be dirt-eating
zombies. When the dirt is gone, some will reluctantly
go to "The Olive Garden."
Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~
Crow: Canada and the United States will unite into one
country called "Mexico Sucks!"
Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~
Tom: Baby seals will no longer be hunted for their
fur. They'll be hunted for revenge.
Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~
Crow: Women will admit that the whole "different from
men" thing was a big hoax to get free meals and drinks.
Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~
Tom: Scientists will dissect Kathie Lee Gifford. Despite
her horrible screams.
Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~
Crow: Boutros Boutros-Gha...
[Suddenly, the Bridge becomes completely lit. Cambot
pans back to reveal Mike Nelson, a thirties-ish, brown
haired male wearing a jumpsuit, standing by a light switch.]
Mike: What do you two think that you're doing?
Crow: [quietly] Our "In the Year 3000" sketch.
Mike: Guys, we're going to get sued.
Tom: Nuh-uh. We've changed enough of the content to keep us
lawsuit free!
Mike: How?
Tom: [quietly] Well, ours is the year 3000 instead of 2000.
Mike: Get it all out of here. Now. [to the screen] We'll be
right back.
[Commercials]
[The Bridge is back to its usual state. Mike, Tom and
Crow stand behind the command console.]
Mike: All right. So are you two done? No top ten lists
planned? No Pimpbots on the way? No stupid nanite
tricks?
Tom: Well, we did install the Dancing Waters (TM).
[At the mention of the name, streams of water shoot up
from the bottom of the screen in front of the console.]
Mike: [mumbling] Those lawyers are going to eat us alive...
Crow: Mike, we're in space. They can't even get close to us.
Mike: They're like cockroaches! They can survive everywhere!
Even now, as we speak, a rocket full of lawyers is
undoubtedly heading towards us...
[The multi-colored lights on the command console that
indicate a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash.
The Dancing Waters (TM) reflect the light quite
nicely.]
Mike: We better see what Regis, Kathie Lee and Cody want.
[Mike taps the light, and the scene shifts to...]
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl Forrester, evil mad scientist and owner of Castle Forrester
stands in the foreground. Behind her stands The Observer, a pale
humanoid alien wearing a cloak and holding a brain in a small
dish.]
Pearl: Well, Mike. I hope you're ready, because today's the day.
[SoL]
[Mike stands confused for a moment, the realization dawns on
his face.]
Mike: Oh, that's right. [He turns to Tom.] Tom, you're starting
your production of "Servoes on Ice" today, right?
Tom: You betcha, Mike.
[Behind Tom, a throng of additional Toms appear, each wearing
a stocking cap and each with a pair of ice skates hung over
one shoulder.]
Tom: Why it's going to be the most ambitious ice performance
ever! We're going to do a performance of "A Tale of
Two Cities" that will knock your socks off!
Mike: I've got some extra tickets if you need 'em, Pearl.
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl and Observer both look a bit confused. Pearl then shakes
her head and begins to speak again.]
Pearl: Er, no. Not Tom's little ice thingee. This, Mike, is the
day I've long waited for: the day where I crush you utterly
and totally. From this day on, you will be nothing more
than a memory. Right now, we are in negotiations with
the author of this work and...
[Bobo enters, talking into a cordless phone.]
Bobo: ...yes, yes. That'll be no problem at all. Yes, we'll
be happy to. So, it's a go then? Good. [Bobo gives
Pearl a thumbs up.] Well, we thank you for the
opportunity to use... well, sure. I guess I can
hear a bit more about your story. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
No, I didn't know that. Really? Uh-huh.
[Bobo continues to talk in the background as Pearl speaks.]
Pearl: There you go, Mike. The sound of your imminent doom.
Your story today is a charming crossover between Sailor
Moon and MTV's Daria called "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero
Double Blitzkrieg Debacle." And if it seems like it
goes on forever, it's probably because it does. Oh,
and did I mention that it's a technothriller too?
[She grins evilly.] Enjoy your last hours, Mike.
[SoL]
Crow: Uh-oh.
Tom: This sounds bad.
Mike: Come on, guys! We've taken everything that Pearl has
thrown at us and more! This can't be as bad as
"Werewolf". Or "Hobgoblins". Or "Timespeeder"
even!
Bots: AHHHHHHH!!!!!
Mike: Sorry. I forgot about how you guys react to that
one. But if we face this one together, it'll be
a snap! Besides, it can't possible be as bad as
Pearl's making it out to be.
Crow: [nervously] Yeah, I guess you're right.
Tom: [nervously] Sure, how bad could it possibly be?
[The lights signaling the arrival of a new story
begin to flash.]
Mike: See! That's the spirit! Now, let's get in there
and get cracking! 'Cause we've got Misery Sign!
[Mike cheerfully hits the lights and the door sequence
begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[The trio enters the theater and take their usual places.]
Tom: Gee, Mike. You seem exceptionally chipper today.
Mike: Well, you know. It's really nice out today. I
figure we can knock this one off early and get
outside. Maybe head down to the park. Get in
a game or something.
Crow: Oh.
Mike: By the way, which one of you was Conan and which was
Andy?
Tom: We've sworn ourselves to silence Mike, divulging the
truth-
Crow: I was Conan.
Tom: Grrrrr......
>
>
>THE MISERY SENSHI NEO-ZERO DOUBLE BLITZKRIEG DEBACLE
Crow: Misery and debacle are probably going to be good
ways to explain this one.
>A Daira/Sailor Moon Crossover Fan Fiction Story
[Long, long pause]
Tom: Misspelling the name, in the title. You can just feel
that optimism drain from your body like sweat on a hot
day. You're going to pay for this one, Mike.
Mike: Sorry.
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Yes, Crow?
Crow: Could I possibly trouble you to melt me down into a
large brick of molybdenum and throw me violently at
the screen?
Mike: Just as soon as I finish twisting my own head off.
Crow: That's okay, take your time.
>By
>Peter W. Guerin
>(Mr. Guerin can be contacted at DocForbin@Hotmail.com)
>
Crow: And, if you're lucky, he can also be contacted by
walking around outside and yelling "PETER!"
>
>With apologies to Naoko Takeuchi and Glenn Eichler.
Mike: Readers? Well, you're on your own.
>
>AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER
>
>None of this ever happened.
Tom: Thankfully.
Crow: Not even in another dimension or something?
Mike: Hey, you heard the man.
> However, for those of you keeping
>score at home,
Mike: ...I'm talking to you, Richard...
> the events roughly (and I mean roughly)
[Crow snickers]
> follow the
>events depicted in "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon Sailor Stars",
Tom: A delicious part of this nutritious breakfast!
Mike: It also depicts secrets told to me by the magic talking
Mr. Potato Head I got in my McDonald's "Toy Story 2" Happy
Meal.
>which was the fifth and final season of the original Japanese
>series.
Tom: The series was cancelled due to the fact no one could
pronounce the name.
> Further, the original Japanese civilian identities of
>the Sailor Senshi are used,
Mike: Hey, you should change those to protect the innocent!
Oh wait, it's anime. There are no innocents. Carry on!
> in Oriental order (i.e. family name
>first) as well as all other Japanese characters depicted in this
>story.
Crow: I'll also be following the Japanese tradition of writing
from right to left.
?siht ekil naem ouY: moT
Mike: Ack! How do you *DO* that?
>
>Almost all aircraft depicted in this story have been checked with
>the publication "Aircraft of the World: The Complete Guide"
Mike: Who knew there really *was* a hot-air balloon made of
iguana bladders?
>(Pittsburgh: International Masters Publishers, 1996-present;
>series of factsheets published every three weeks).
Mike: Every three weeks another factsheet will be rushed to
your door, full of the latest in aircraft cupholder
technology.
> The sole
>exception is the Mitsubishi Neo-Zero, which is a complete
>creation of the author.
>
Crow: Although those weasels at the patent office refuse
to give me due credit for my brilliance.
Mike: [Patent guy] Look! I don't think that you can
patent a rubber band powered airplane, okay?
>All "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon" and related characters are (C)
>1992,1998 Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha/Toei Animation Co., Ltd./DIC
>Enterprises LP. All "Daria" and related characters are (C) 1993,
>1997, 1998 MTV Networks.
Tom: Who surprisingly took time from their busy schedule of
"Spring Break 1996" reruns and "Road Rules" marathons for
something else!
Crow: Note to MTV - prepare to turn in the "M", guys!
> All Rights Reserved. All other
>characters depicted are my creation.
Tom: What about us?
Mike: We're his creation too.
Crow: Do you think he'll give us a raise then?
> So there.
>
Crow: [dude] We are *so* there, man.
>
>SONG CREDITS
Crow: Buckle down guys, this is gonna be rough.
>
>"Morning Has Broken": Traditional lyrics by Elinor Ferjoen.
[Silence]
Mike: Well, there's a song I never expected to see in a
fanfic based on an MTV show...
>Musical arrangement by Cat Stevens. (C) 1972 Cat Stevens.
Tom: o/~ I'm being followed by a big Muslim. Biiig Muslim,
big Muslim. o/~
>Appearing on his album "Teaser and the Firecat"
Mike & Tom: o/~ With long tails, and ears for hats! o/~
> on A&M CD's and
>cassettes.
>
Crow: Available at Musicland and WaxTrax!
>"Ty Cobb": lyrics by Chris Cornell;
Crow: He's on a hunt for the mystic Sampo!
> music by Ben Shepherd. (C)
>1996 You Make Me Sick I Make Music (ASCAP)/Stupidditties (ASCAP).
Mike: You know, there is such a thing as being too creative.
Tom: Hard to argue, there.
>All Rights Reserved. Appearing on the Soundgarden album "Down on
>the Upside" on A&M CD's and cassettes.
Mike: Oh, you need one of those Greenday Houses. You know,
where you grow those Poseys or Hothouse Flowers?
>
>"Black Hole Sun": lyrics and music by Chris Cornell. (C) 1994
>You Make Me Sick I Make Music (ASCAP).
Tom: Winner of the "Most Unsettling Video" award 5 years running.
> All Rights Reserved.
Crow: All rights? What about the right to fling it off an
overpass at speeding cars?
Mike: Reserved that too. Can't be too careful.
>Appearing on the Soundgarden album "Superunknown" on A&M CD's
and
>cassettes..
>
Mike: [Minnewegian] Ellen says that Tommy, that's her son -
Crow: [Ditto] Ya.
Mike: Tommy listens to that Mudgarden everyday.
>"Monk Time" , "I Hate You" and
"Complication": written by Gary
>Burger, Larry Clark, Dave Day, Roger Johnston and Eddie Shaw.
Tom: Yeah, you can tell the screenplay's in trouble when there's
that many names on it.
Crow: I'm surprised Lawrence Kasdan didn't put in his two cents.
>(C) 1965 Monk Time Publishing (BMI); administered by Bug Music.
Mike: Hey, that's what drove the Hatrocks away from the
Flintstones' neighborhood!
Tom: [bug music] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Crow: Yeahyeahyeah!
>All Rights Reserved. Appearing on the Monks album "Black Monk
>Time" on Infinite Zero Archive CD's. Distributed by American
>Recordings.
>
Mike: Monk CDs and Monk cassettes available at finer Monk
stores everywhere.
Tom: So is this a fanfic, or a jukebox, or a legal contract,
or what?
Crow: I'm pulling for "what", but...
>"Kimigayo":
Tom: Daylight come and me wanna go home.
> Words selected from the seventh volume of "Kokinshu"
>dating from AD 9th Century; English translation by Sakuzo Takada;
>Music by Hiromori Hayashi.
>
Mike: Get the feelin' someone doesn't wanna get sued?
Bots: Noooooo......
>"Tusk":
Mike: o/~ Pow-wow, the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the
west, o/~
All: o/~ We will, we will, rock you! o/~
TUSK!
Tom: o/~ So they ran through the briars, and they ran through
the brambles, And they ran through the places where a
rabbit wouldn't go. o/~
Crow: o/~ Gypsies, tramps, and thieves! We heard it from the
people of the town! o/~
All: TUSK!
Mike: o/~ High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd,
Ladee-yodel-ladee-yodel-la-hee-hoo! o/~
Tom: o/~ Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus Lane! o/~
All: TUSK!
Crow: o/~ Give it away, give it away, give it away, now!
Give it away, give it away, give it away, now! o/~
Mike: o/~ I've got a brand new pair of roller skates,
You've got a brand new key! o/~
All: TUSK!
Tom: o/~ Admiral Halsey notified me,
He had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep, o/~
Crow: o/~ And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon! o/~
Mike: o/~ In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it, o/~
Tom: o/~ One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble, o/~
Crow: o/~ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry,
When I take you out in a surrey, o/~
Mike: o/~ We were merely freshmen! o/~
All: o/~ Oh, Suzanna, oh don't you cry for me,
'Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee! o/~
TUSK!
Mike: Ah. I love that bit.
> Lyrics and music by Lindsey Buckingham. (C) 1979 New
>Sounds Music (ASCAP).
Mike: Actually, at this point, calling Fleetwood Mac music "new"
seems a bit futile.
> All Rights Reserved. Appearing on the
>Fleetwood Mac album "Tusk" on Warner Bros. CD's and cassettes.
>
Crow: And strangely enough, the soundtrack to "Amadeus"!
>AUTHOR'S DEDICATION
>
Tom: *OH WILL YOU JUST START THE BLASTED STORY ALREADY?!*
>This story is dedicated to my mother's favorite author, Tom
>Clancy.
Tom: [Peter] I love her, even though she tried to legally
change my name to "Soviet Second Tank Division."
> This story may be a bit evocative of his style, so
>please bear with me.
>
Crow: A bit meaning, nothing like Tom Clancy.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"Sky Pilot!/Sky Pilot!/
Mike: Earth to Sky Pilot, come in Sky Pilot!
> How high can you fly?/You'll never, never,
>never reach the sky!"
>
Tom: Icarus would later regret trying to answer the song's
question.
>--Eric Burden, The Animals, "Sky Pilot"
>
>"War!/Good God, you all!/What's it any good for?/Absolutely
>nothing!/Say it again!"
>
Tom: War??
Mike: You forgot the "Huh!" before the "Good God, y'all!"
>--Edwin Starr, Edwin Starr's Rising Starr, "War"
>
Crow: Copyright Starr Music Publishing, distributed by
Starr Recordings
Tom: Starr CDs and Starr cassettes available at finer
Starr stores everywhere.
All: Starr!
>"Though force can protect in an emergency, only justice,
>fairness, consideration and cooperation can finally lead men to
>the dawn of eternal peace."
>
Mike: "It's either that, or a group of sailor suited heroines..."
>--Dwight David Eisenhower, General, U. S. Army,
Tom: For those of you who fell asleep and missed WWII!
> later President
>of the United States
>
Crow: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"
--Bill Clinton, even later President of the United States
Mike: "We have met the enemy, and he is us." - Walt Kelly,
"Pogo"
Tom: "This is so offensive on so many levels." - Joel Robinson, SOL
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 1: Ebon Genesis Sweet Adeline
>
Tom: Black Beginning Saccharine Clementime!
Crow: Onyx Commencement Pleasant Yolanda!
Mike: Uh, uh...Ivory Revelations Sour...Sour...pass, pass!
>A huge crowd had gathered in the mass meeting room of Sumito
>Heavy Industries
Crow: I guess Sumo would be a ... heavy industry.
Mike: Watch it!
> for what was expected to be a brief pep rally
>before the start of the day's business.
Tom: And here comes the corporate cheerleading squad now!
Crow: Yes, the world of modern business is just like high school!
> All were clad in the
>same blue suits typical of Japanese businessmen in Shinjuku, the
>business district of Tokyo.
Mike: Though what the stilettos and fishnet stockings were about
was anyone's guess.
> At one end was a platform were the
>top executives of the company were seated as well as a podium for
>speaking.
Mike: What?
Tom: During meetings, Japanese executives lose face if they sit
worse than a podium.
Mike: Huh?
Tom: Just accept it and move on, Mikey.
> However, it was the banner affixed to the wall that
>was unusual: a brown octopus on a white disc on a red field.
Tom: It's Hydra!
Crow: Baron Zucker is now a big wheel on the lecture circuit.
>
>At once, everyone's attention was focused on the podium as one of
>the persons on the platform rose to speak.
Tom: [speaker] Hello, I'd like to tell you about a group of
girls, who I know very well....
> However, this was not
>one of the executives; she was an "OL", or office lady.
Mike: Oh, a secretary.
Tom: Executive Assistant!
Mike: Sorry.
> But no
>other "OL" like her existed in Japan.
Mike: o/~ 'Cause she's a small wonder! A.. o/~
Tom: No. This is not a crossover with that.
> Yoriko was tall and
>statuesque, and was well-proportioned with ample bust, slender
>hips, long legs and short, black hair.
Tom: Rrrrowr! I like where this is going!
Crow: The part of Yoriko will be played by Bettie Page.
> Banging the gavel, she
>called the meeting to order.
>
Tom: Now, what are we going to do about that new sheriff? The
chair recognizes Howard Johnson.
>"I know that we have much work to do,
Crow: [Yoriko] So, let's talk about our progress towards ISO 9001
compliance...
> so I will keep this brief,"
>said Amazana Yoriko. "I have glorious news that will gladden the
>hearts of everyone in our organization.
Tom: They're bringing back the McRib!
[All cheer]
> We think the Neo-Zero
>prototype will be ready for its first test flight by month's end.
Mike: The Neo-Zero? That's that company that does those fighting
games, right?
>Ryu, our intelligence officer, will explain."
>
Crow: R yu, experienced? Has he ever been experienced?
Mike: Not necessarily stoned, mind you.
>The podium was yielded to Chang Ryu,
Tom: Ryu had the right of way.
> a man of unusually handsome
>qualities due to his mixed Chinese-Korean-Japanese ancestry.
Crow: He's invaded himself from both ends!
> He
>was about six and a half feet tall with brown hair.
Mike: Apparently, Ryu also has some Hill Giant in him too.
Tom: Or Richard Kiel.
> Ryu was a
>master of many martial arts disciplines, holding black belts in
>judo, tae kwan do, kung fu, karate, and kendo, or Japanese
>fencing.
Crow: As well as being a master of kiss-kwan-do.
Tom: Huh. Betcha he still can't do a Windsor knot.
> Only a few months ago he resigned as a priest of the
>legendary Shaolin Temple to be involved in what Sumito termed
>"Project Iron Fist."
>
Mike: It was a project to make a new type of soft soap.
>Ryu started to speak in his clear, enthusiastic voice:
>
Tom: [Ryu] Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 1999, wear
sunscreen.
>"I've been checking the progress of the prototype, and most
>ground tests have been completed.
Crow: [Ryu] But since it's supposed to fly we'll just ignore
that part.
> It is expected that the
>prototype will be fitted with a full compliment of Sidewinder
>missiles for target practice;
Tom: Let's hope they don't lock onto any Iraqi fighter jets.
Crow: Or Scottish groundskeepers either.
> once they are loaded, we will
>launch our plan to hijack the prototype and start our attack on
>Tokyo.
Mike: [Ryu] After all, Japan will surely surrender after
being strafed by one plane.
Crow: They must have developed this plan in France.
> Once we have the civilian government in submission, the
>New Imperial Rule Assistance Association will embark on a new era
>for Japan,
Tom: A Funk-a-riffic DISCO era! With leisure suits and afros
for everyone!
> and once again we will earn the respect of the world.
Crow: [Ryu] Our single plane will pound into submission
all countries who refuse to respect us! And if that
doesn't work, we'll go up to their leaders and start
kickin' major shin!
>All hail to our leader, Amazana Yoriko. BANZAI!"
>
Crow: The Hong Kong Cavaliers looked around, couldn't find
their leader, and then went back to their poker game.
Tom: Perhaps he's still fighting the World Crime League.
>After five shouts of "BANZAI!", the meeting adjourned. Yoriko
>went back to her office, where Dr. Helmut Vander Helffen was
>awaiting her;
Tom: Chief Researcher in Charge of Mid-European Mad Scientist
Stereotypes.
> he looked middle-aged with black hair and
>spectacles; he was wearing a brown double-breasted suit.
>
Tom: Wow. Lots of breast references so far.
Crow: The author must have a thing for 'em.
Mike: [muttering] Look who's talking.
>"It's time for your next pill," was all he said.
Mike: Oh dear. Placebo addicts. I've seen this before.
Crow: And it ain't pretty.
Tom: Come on, guys. Dr. Header Van Damme is obviously
providing us with ominous foreshadowing.
Mike & Crow: Ohhhhh.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Tsukino Ikuko was doing what she usually did every morning:
Mike: Preparing a healthy breakfast and trying to take over
the world!
Crow: I got my bookcase at Ikukos.
Mike: You're thinking of Ikea.
Crow: Oh.
>trying to get her oldest daughter Usagi out of bed:
>
>"Usagi, you lazy bastard!
Tom: [Usagi] What, you pathetic dickweed?
Mike: Ah, the joys of a mother's love.
Crow: Um? Bastard?
> Get out of bed now!"
>
>Luna, Usagi's pet cat, was jolted out of her sleep by Ikuko's
>yelling. She hissed and scratched Usagi's nose.
>
Mike: Why? Cuz she felt like it, that's why!
>"OW!", shrieked Usagi.
>
>"Usagi!
Crow: Yojimbo!
> It's time to get up for school!," began Luna. "You are
>so lazy it's pathetic!"
>
Mike: Hence, the previous lazy bastard comment.
Crow: Bastard?
Mike: Just accept it, Crow. It's probably going to get a lot
worse.
>"I already have Mom on my case, Luna," shrieked Usagi; "I
don't
>need to hear it from you as well!"
>
Crow: [Usagi] Damn talking alien cats. Always on my case. She's
a jerk, right Mr. Clock?
Tom: [Mr. Clock] Right-o, Usagi!
>With a deft movement, Usagi took off her pajamas and raced to her
>closet--wearing nothing but her panties--
Crow: -as a hat-
> to grab a bra. She
>began to pack up her briefcase.
>
Crow: You know, nothing gets those creative juices flowing
better than a good ol' "tribute."
>"You know, I think that peeping Tom from across the street is
>looking at you again!", chuckled Luna.
>
Mike: [sternly] Servo...
Tom: It wasn't me! I have the internet for that sort of thing.
>Usagi shrieked and drew down the curtains.
>
Mike: [Usagi] That's just for me, my doctor, and the future
Mr. Ricky Martin Ikuko!
>"Luna, you really get on my nerves at times," yelled Usagi at
>Luna.
>
Mike: This is Luna's revenge for her not getting Luna that
new "Fresh Step" kitty litter.
>Luna replied, "Hey, I deserve a good laugh once in a while!"
>
Crow: Oh, that was supposed to be funny!
[All laugh uncomfortably for a few seconds.]
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Kenji, Ikuko's husband, and their son, Shingo, were already at
>the breakfast table.
Tom: [Shingo, sarcastic] So what's for breakfast? Oh, high
expectations and repressed emotion, how different.
> Kenji was reading the "Yorimuri Shimbun"
>when he noticed an interesting article.
>
Mike: [Kenji] Ten Easy Questions to find out if Your Daughter
is a Sailor Senshi? Hmmmm.......
>"Hey, what about those Giants!," he exclaimed; "one more win
and
>they clinch the Japan Series!"
>
Crow: [Shingo] Hopefully, that jerk Steinbrenner Hidako won't
break up the team afterwards.
>"Wonderful, dear," was all his wife said rather abstractly.
>
Mike: Parents should engage a child's interests, to more
effectively crush them.
>"Man, Usagi's gonna get it big time from Ms. Sakurada if she's
>late again," Shingo proclaimed.
>
Tom: IfyaknowwhatImean!
>As if to confirm that remark, Usagi ran downstairs, clad in her
>seifuku, gulped down a glass of milk,
Mike: Got high-speed milk?
> wolfed down a piece of
>toast, and dashed out the door like the devil before anyone
>noticed.
Crow: Yup, that's pretty fast alright.
> She was several steps down the road when a car horn
>blared, and a familiar red car pulled up besides her.
>
Mike: [Usagi] Sigh. Hi Starsky. Hi Hutch.
Tom: [Starsky] Hi Usagi! You need a lift to school today?
Mike: [Usagi] No thanks.
Crow: [Hutch] Quick! There's a drug deal going down on
5th !
Tom: [Starsky] Let's roll!
>"Usagi! Get in! It's the only way you'll make it on time for
>your first class!," a voice shouted to her.
>
Mike: [Usagi] Oh, thank you Magic Voice!
>Usagi knew that voice rather well.
Crow: It was Barry White.
> It was her boyfriend, Chiba
>Mamoru.
Tom: The sky over his head was like a TV tuned to a dead channel.
> As Usagi got in, she noticed two other persons in the
>car:
Mike: Christopher Lloyd and Mary Stewart Masterson?
Crow: Rockford and Angel?
Tom: Mistretta and Galano?
> her friend Mizuno Ami, the smartest student in class, and
>Chiba-Usa, Usagi and Mamoru's daughter from the future.
Crow: Uh-huh. So the kid's named after both of them. I'm doubly
revolted.
Tom: Another reason to be glad Mo Gaffney and Ron Howard never
mated.
> Chiba-
>Usa had spent the night at Ami's house.
>
Tom: After all, there's nothing teenage girls like more than
to have a sleepover with a five year old.
Mike: I feel like this fanfic should have come with a flowchart.
>"Running late again, I see," Chiba-Usa said in her holier-than-
>thou attitude.
>
Mike: [Usagi] Just because you made Pope at 13 is no reason
to get all holier than thou, young future lady!
>"Put a sock in it, Chiba-Usa!", replied Usagi.
>
Crow: [Usagi] If you don't shape up, I'll send you to bed
without supper in the future!
>"Usagi, you should really get up earlier," Ami started.
"It's
>part of doing well in school."
>
Mike: Except in college.
>"Ami's got a point there, Usako," Mamoru added. "Your grades
>aren't that great. With the big exams coming up, you've got to
>do better."
>
Tom: You are WORTHLESS and BAD, Sailor Moon! SHAME!
Mike: Yeah, thanks MOM.
Crow: Sheesh, now I know this is Sailor Moon.
>Usagi groaned.
>
>"Speaking of tests," Ami said, "I figure you'd be the first
ones
>to learn about some exciting news I got yesterday."
>
>"What?," Usagi asked.
>
Crow: [Ami] The rabbit died!
Mike: [Mamoru] What? Usgai's dead?
Tom: [Usagi] But I'm right here!
Crow: [Ami] Oh, skip it.
>"I found out that I've been accepted for my pre-med studies in
>Germany," gushed Ami;
Crow: [wartime newsreel voice] Germany: World leader in
turning giggling Japanese girls into doctors.
> "At long last, I can begin my studies to
>become a pediatrician like my mother! I leave in four days."
>
Tom: [Ami] I'll finally be free! Free I tell you, free!
>Usagi was at first speechless.
>
Crow: This is now my favorite part of the whole story!
>"Congratulations!," Mamoru said. "I know that you've been
>looking forward to this for a long time."
>
>"But what about the Sailor Senshi?," Usagi said as she recovered
>from the shock of the announcement. "You're the brains of the
>team!"
>
Mike: That's just how bad the situation is, folks!
>"Not to worry, Usagi," Ami began. "I've got that covered.
Luna
>and Artemis have been working on transferring my powers to
>another person.
Crow: So cats have the power of attorney in Japan?
Mike: This explains a lot.
> The Sailor Senshi will still be at full strength
>while I'm gone."
>
>"Who do you have in mind?," Chibi-Usa asked.
>
Tom: [Ami] Emilio Estevez. He'll look good in a fuku.
Crow: [mumbling] I always get in trouble for saying things like
'fuku'...
>"Let's just say that she's as intelligent as I am," Ami teased.
>
Tom: So... A vole? A lamp post? A sea cucumber? What?
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The calls to prayer wafted in the air in Beirut.
Crow: Wow, this fanfic must have one heck of a travel budget!
> In a
>nondescript building, however, there was something sinister
>afoot.
Mike: It's a Fox Network programming meeting!
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
> The local branch of Islamic Jihad
[All snicker.]
Tom: "The local branch"? They franchise terrorists now?
Crow: They're the Dunkin' Donuts of fundamentalism.
> was meeting to
>formulate their next terrorist attack.
>
Crow: So, it's decided then. Our next target is the
Wetzel's Pretzels at Westboro Mall.
Mike & Tom: Agreed.
>The Imam Al-Kabaz, the leader of the branch,
Tom: Lord of the root, God of the leaves...
> was clad in a black
>robe and had a long black beard. He arose to speak.
>
Mike: [Irish] Well, begum and begorrah! If it tisn't a
glorious day to be in the IRA! [stops] Wait, this
isn't 54 Pine Street!
> "It is time to strike fear into the heart of the Great Satan!"
Tom: Herzog?
>he began; "In four days will be the great football game between
>Highland and Lawndale High Schools.
Tom: Army vs. Navy. USC vs. UCLA. Harvard vs. Yale. Lawndale vs.
Highland.
Crow: It just doesn't have the same ring, does it?
> We will seize control of the
>JAL flight from Tokyo to Berlin, divert it to Lawndale and blow
>up a nuclear device as the plane flies over the football field."
Mike: Oh lord.
Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, the stupidest terrorists in history.
>The Imam turned to Akbar el-Salaam, a grungy Palestinian in
>combat fatigues,
Crow: Well, here we are now - entertain us.
Tom: "Akbar el-Salaam" is Arabic for "Oscar Madison".
> and said, "Brother Akbar, it is Allah's will
>that you carry out this mission.
Mike: [Imam] You will open a Tofu Hut with your lover Jeff.
But beware the one-eared bunny!
> You will leave on the next
>flight to Tokyo in about an hour. ALLAH AKBAR!"
>
All: We pledge ourselves to Big Fire!
>The cries of "ALLAH AKBAR!" were repeated twenty times running.
>
Crow: Ironically, Akbar's flight gets hijacked by terrorists.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mike: [pointing] Who's line is that, anyway?
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>He can still remember it all like it was just yesterday.
Tom: o/~ Paaarking by the lake and there was not another car
in sight... o/~
Mike: Tom? Can we skip the Meatloaf for this misting? Please?
Tom: I'll try. But we've got a long road ahead of us.
> It was
>one of those memories you can't really shake off.
>
Crow: Oh. Deja glue!
[Mike and Tom shake their heads and groan.]
>He was on patrol in the Sea of Japan, off the coast of Sakhalin
>Island. He was squadron leader for a flight of five F-4EJ
>Phantom II jet fighters for the Japan Air Self Defense Force.
Mike: Here's the brave World War One Flying Ace in his Sopwith
camel, scouring the hillsides of Normandy for a sign of
the plot.
>The Phantom jets were showing their age but were still a reliable
>part of the force.
Mike: They had flown from their Skull Mountain base to meet with
Diana.
> So far, it had been a pretty routine patrol.
Crow: And those ideas are related how?
>Suddenly, one of the pilots radioed him:
>
>"Maverick to Dragon, I've picked up something on the radar. It
>looks like a Soviet Su-17."
Crow: o/~ Su, Su-Seventeen! Just say the word! o/~
> Dragon was the squadron leader's
>code name.
>
Mike: Well, officially. Behind his back, he was "Nancy Boy".
>"Roger, Maverick," responded the squadron leader; "let's
take a
>look.
Tom: We need one of those for the living room, over.
> As long as they're on their side of the border, we
>shouldn't expect any hostilities."
>
Mike: [Dragon] But knowing those damn Commies....
>"Roger, Dragon.", replied the first pilot.
>
Mike: Roger Dragon? The DC martial artist from the 1970s?
Crow: Maybe his wingmen are Prez and Kamandi.
>The squadron approached the location of the Su-17. However, it
>turned out that this was no ordinary patrol.
Crow: This patrol had the refreshing scent of lemon, for
military readiness that's fresh as a country breeze!
> A Korean Airlines
>747 had somehow entered Soviet airspace.
Crow: A Korean plane in Soviet space in the Sea of Japan?
> An international
>incident was in the making.
>
Tom: OK, maybe those that don't know history are doomed to
repeat it. But at least they don't *haphazardly slap
it into their little crossover!*
>"Dragon to Ginzu,
Mike: [Dragon] If I order before midnight tonight, will I still
get the matching peeler/slicer, over?
> find out what the Hell's going on here!," said
>the squadron leader to another pilot.
>
Tom: Then he remembered to use the radio.....
>The second pilot replied, "Ginzu to Dragon, I've got them fixed
>on radar. I do know some Russian.
Crow: [Ginzu] They're saying, "Blip... blip... blip...".
Mike: [Dragon] That's the *radar* you clod!
> The MiG's issuing a warning
>to the KAL craft to clear out of Soviet space.
Crow: No! They're gonna shoot down Baby Superman's rocket!
> He's threatening
>to fire."
>
Tom: Cal really shouldn't have taken his jet for a joyride
over Russia.
>Was it time to take action?
Crow: Yes, do something already!
> Every member of the SDF had been
>instructed from day one that Article 9 of the Constitution
>clearly stated that Japan was not to wage war.
Mike: Really? Then why hasn't someone conquered them yet?
Tom: They have to battle their way past Trixie and Chim-Chim
first.
Crow: Yeah, that monkey has beaten off three invasions from
North Korea all by himself.
> But now everyone
>in the squad faced a dilemma: Do nothing and see hundreds
>perish, or attack and risk international condemnation if they
>were wrong?
>
Crow: Or, you could turn tail and run.
>"Ginzu," the squadron leader ordered, "inform the MiG pilot
that
>if he fires weapons, our government will file a protest with the
>United Nations."
>
Tom: After that, they might write a strongly worded letter
to the Leningrad Times.
>Tense moments passed.
>
Mike: Would Lenniger defeat the horrid ants?
>"Dragon, he's ignoring me,"
Crow: So are the readers.
> was the second pilot's reply.
>
>The next thing everyone saw was that the Su-17 fired an air-to-
>air missile, blowing the KAL plane out of existence!
>
Tom: Except for all the flaming debris of course.
Mike: [Dragon] Okay, buddy, you asked for it! Squadron ready
annnd - WAG FINGERS IN DISAPPROVAL!!!
>"This is Dragon to all units!
Mike: [Dragon] Did anyone get the license plate?!
> Return to base!," sharply ordered
>the squadron leader. "We don't want to risk a dogfight with the
>Su-17!"
>
Crow: [Dragon] We only outnumber him five to one! He'll surely
kill us all!
>Clearly as much as everyone wanted to avenge what they had just
>seen,
Crow: [wartime newsreel voice] Japan: Staunch defender of
Korean civilian aircraft!
> Article 9 was to be honored at all times.
>
Mike: Well then why even bother with the jet fighters?
They're better off hang-gliding!
Tom: Why the heck did Japan agree to that anyway?
Crow: They lost a bet. If they had won, everyone in Sweden
would be wearing sombreros right now.
>When they had landed back at the base, news had already reached
>everyone about what happened. An airman approached the squad
>leader and handed him a list.
>
Mike: [airman] Here, check this twice. Find out who's
naughty and who's nice.
>"Lieutenant Torymura, you may want to see this; it's the list of
>passengers," the airman said to him.
>
Tom: [Toryuma] Good lord! How many soccer teams were on this
flight?
>He took a quick look, and his stomach turned when he noticed two
>names on the list.
>
Mike: [Toryuma] Mike Rotch and Amanda Hugginkiss? The hell?!
>"Poor Makoto," was all he said.
>
Crow: Hmmm. I'm starting to feel left out of the plot.
Tom: What plot?
Crow: Good point.
>A subsequent investigation cleared Lt. Torymura and his squadron
>of negligence.
Crow: They had sat around and done nothing with commendable aplomb!
Mike: Later they got hired as paparazzi, tailing Princess Di.
> Now a general, Torymura Keiichi was in charge of
>the Neo-Zero project. He sat there at his desk, in his dress
>green uniform, his hair grayed with the cares of a long military
>career and time-carved wrinkles over his skin.
Crow: It's General Halftrack-san!
> But he's still
>haunted by the awful memories of what happened fifteen years ago.
Mike: [General] I feel a great disturbance in the force, as if a
million voices cried out at once-
>If only he--
>
Crow: Hadn't let the Commies infect his bodily fluids?
>A knock on the door interrupted his train of thought.
Mike: [General] Damn! A loud noise! Aw, screw the voices,
let'em cry to someone else.
> Someone
>entered his office. It was Ryu, now wearing a vermilion martial
>artist's outfit.
>
Crow: Nah, that's probably just fresh blood.
Tom: We can hope anyway.
>"General, this is Special Agent Chang," he said. "I know
when
>the NIRAA will attempt to steal the prototype."
>
Tom: So instead of a plot, characters will just march and
announce that plot-like elements have occurred off screen?
Mike: Pretty much.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>By Japanese standards, this was a rather brash way to start a
>campaign in a by-election.
Crow: Sure, the naked Spice Girls were a bit over the top, but
it got people's attention.
> Streamers were all over the banquet
>hall, as well as posters, all with the same slogan:
Crow: "Tanner in '88"
> "Nagai
>Kenji: For a New and Better Japan."
Mike: A pachinko machine in every garage, and two violent porn
comics in every bachelor's bedroom!
> Nagai was already governor
>of Tokyo Metropolitan Prefecture; he had stunned everyone at the
>last gubernatorial election by winning the post running as a
>member of the Komeito, or Clean Government Party, which had the
>backing of the Soka Gakki sect of Buddhism.
Mike: Oh, better write that down. I'm sure it'll be important
later.
Crow: They're that sect that believes that Bill Keane is the
Buddha, right?
> Now, he was in the
>most ambitious campaign of his life: he was seeking the vacant
>seat for Tokyo-to in the House of Representatives, the lower
>house of the Japanese Diet.
Tom: Isn't that the one where you only eat rice, beans, and
jujy fruit?
> His youthful looks belied his 45
>years, and was wearing a gray flannel suit.
>
Crow: His youthful looks were wearing a gray flannel suit?
>Nagai stepped up to the podium and spoke:
>
>"Ladies and gentlemen: I hereby announce my candidacy for the
>Komeito nomination for the empty seat in the House of
>Representatives for Tokyo-to.
Tom: [dully] Wow. What a stirring speech.
> Our nation faces grave problems as
>we near the new millennium.
Crow: [Kenji] Why in the last year alone, Gamera attacks were up
almost 300%!
> Business as usual in our government-
>-fostered by a Liberal Democratic government that has been in
>control for over forty years--has led us to this crisis.
Mike: It's Bob Dole-san.
> We have
>been the envy of East Asia--indeed in what is still called the
>Third World--for turning so rapidly from an isolated, backwards
>nation to one of the most modern, most technologically advanced
>societies ever seen in human history.
Crow: [Nagai] And one of the few governed successfully by
children in upsetting short pants.
> It would be a shame that
>we, as a beacon of hope to those less developed, be extinguished
>ourselves. We need new voices; we need fresh blood;
Mike: [Nagai] We need *me*, is what I'm getting at.
> we need to
>admit our mistakes of the past;
Crow: And we need one of those nice Oxo can openers!
> we must lend a hand to those
>nations less fortunate than ourselves. Reforms must be made in
>our economy so that everyone that benefits can still do and even
>include the small minority that do not.
Tom: You wanna diagram that last sentence, Sparky?
> We must be more open and
>honest in trade with our international neighbors.
Crow: [Nagai] We must admit that Pokemon is evil and that
AIBOs aren't worth $2,500.
> We must turn Japan
>around before it's too late,
Mike: And call it Napaj!
> and I am the man to do it!"
>
Mike: [Nagai] You kids be quiet back there or I'll turn Japan
right around and head back home.
>The crowd roared its approval.
>
Bots: Wooo!
Mike: Wow. I guess booking Kid Rock as Kenji's opening act was
actually a good idea.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Lawndale was just one of your typical suburban American
>communities.
Crow: Well, aside from being animated.
> At one rather well-appointed house lived the
>Morgendorffers.
Tom: But they're not important to our story. Let's continue
on down the block to 121 Mockingbird Lane....
> It was just after dinner and eldest daughter
>Daria had just went to her room;
All: [Daria theme] o/~ La la, LA! La la! La la, LA! La la! o/~
> it was pretty unusual because
>its walls were mostly padded, a holdover from the previous
>owners, who kept their crazy aunt in there.
Crow: [narrator] The aunt wrote bad crossover fanfiction,
so they confined her to a padded room.
> Posters of a
>bleached skeleton in the desert and of exetensionalist author
>Franz Kafka adorned the walls.
Tom: Daria, as written by Quinn!
> Daria had just logged on the
>Internet.
Crow: [Daria] I have to stop going to that "Hamsterdance" site.
But they're so cute...!
> Jane Lane, Daria's best friend, was sitting on Daria's
>bed.
>
Mike: Writing Nocturnes.
>"You've got mail!," chirped the computer.
>
Tom: And 400 of those pop-up ads.
>"And you've got a stick up your ass!," quipped Daria in reply.
>
Mike: Ah, there's that Morgendorffer wit we all know and love!
Tom: The part of Daria today will be played by Adam Sandler.
>Jane snickered and then spat out, "That was a good one, Daria!
>You go, girl!"
>
Tom: And the part of Jane Lane will be played by a random
member of the Jenny Jones audience.
>Daria looked at her e-mail messages. Some of it was spam for
>hair tonic, get-rich-quick schemes, and pornography.
Mike: The rest was just junk.
> There even
>was one sick individual who wanted a downloadable picture of
>Daria in her underwear.
>
Mike: [Daria] I told Calvin Klein that I'm just not interested!
>"That pervert!," Daria stated, " Who does he think I am,
Linda
>Lovelace?"
Crow: And so our story comes to screeching halt as Daria checks
her email.
>
>Jane shot back, "He probably confused you for some porno star."
>
Tom: Well, he did call her "Dareyata Moanendoher".
>"Look at this one, Jane," said Daria in amazement.
>
Crow: [Daria] Microsoft will pay me money if I forward
this email to everyone I know!
>"Who's it from?," Jane inquired.
>
>Daria responded, "It's from my friend in Japan, Ami."
>
Mike: Bon Ami? The cleanser? Why would it be friends with you?
>"What does it say?," Jane wanted to know.
>
Tom: "Why should I care?," Tom wondered.
>Daria began to read it:
>
Mike: [Ami] Need crossover urgently. Leave your personality at
home, will supply new one on arrival.
>"It says: 'Come here quickly. This is important. I can't tell
>you here. I'll explain everything when you arrive.'"
>
Crow: [Ami] Oh yeah, come alone and bring a rubber ducky.
>"Better be careful, Daria," cautioned Jane, "Sometimes these
>Internet-initiated face-to-face meetings get kinky."
>
Crow: Only if you're lucky. Heh-heh.
>Daria replied, "Jane, Ami is not some pervert. We're both smart;
Tom: And smart folks are always well-adjusted! Ask Professor
Kaczynski!
>we're both unappreciated with our classmates,
Tom: [Daria] We're both incredibly, unbelievably modest...
> and we both have to
>put up with geeks."
>
Mike: And freaks too! And that chubby guy at the leisure suit
store!
>"You mean Japan has its own version of Upchuck?," said Jane in
>amazement.
>
Crow: Sure, didn't you see the "Gamera" movies? Kid named Kenny?
>"Yep. His name is Gurio," Daria said;
Tom: Guerin-o?
Mike: No, Goosio! The delightful Maltese goose who teaches
children-
Crow: [interrupting, annoyed] Mike, will you let that go,
please?! We said we were sorry! And you got a free dinner
out of it!
Mike: Oh, right! Yeah. Tasted like chicken. Very comforting.
> "The sick part is he's got
>a rather pretty, good-natured girlfriend named Naru."
>
Crow: [Daria] That's so icky I don't even want to think about it!
>"Better call 'Sick Sad World' and tell them you've got a scoop
>for them!," snickered Jane.
>
>"Well, we'd better tell Mom and Dad about this," stated Daria.
>
Crow: Oh! Oh this must be that special joke-free episode of
"Daria" they did when the writers went on strike!
Tom: Keep dreaming.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The entire Morgendorffer family was gathered in the living room.
Crow: Inspector Poirot was about to reveal the identity of the
killer.
>Jake and Helen, Daria's parents, were on the couch while Daria,
>Jane and Quinn,
Mike: Jane's part of the family now?
> Daria's sister, were on another couch next to the
>adjacent wall.
Crow: Wow! Look how much bigger the room seems now that they've
removed the story !
Tom: It's the mark of a true artiste.
> Quinn was wearing that stupid smiley face T-shirt
>and her red miniskirt she once wore to seduce Kevin Thompson,
Tom: The Wisconsin governor?
> the
>star quarterback for Lawndale High.
>
Tom: Oh.
>"Quinn, if that skirt had a slit in it, people would compare you
>Ashley Judd," Daria said.
>
Crow: Then your husband will probably fake his death and you'll
have to shoot him in front of Tommy Lee Jones.
Mike: And two years after that, no one will return your calls.
>"Daria! Give me a break!," Quinn replied.
>
>"Anyway, your friend Ami wants you to go see her in Tokyo right
>away, Daria?", Helen asked.
>
Crow: [Daria] Yup, someone off the net wants to meet me in
another country on the other side of the planet. I'm
already packed and ready to go! Oh, but she wants
pictures of me in my underwear. Dad, do you have your
Polaroid handy?
Tom: Anybody else having trouble with this?
>"Yes, she did, Mom," was Daria's response.
>
Mike: Thanks for clarifying that, I wasn't sure at first!
>"This is rather unusual, Daria," said Helen in concern;
"You'll
>miss the big game against Highland."
>
Crow: [Helen] You know how much you like those football game
corndogs....
>"Oh, whoopee!," shot back Daria;
Tom: Isn't she supposed to be wittier or is it this story?
Mike: Guess which one I'm betting on.
> "I'll just miss my old nemeses
>Beavis and Butt-Head.
Tom: Namedropper! I suppose you'll miss your old nemeses
Baby Huey and Felix the Cat, too!
Mike: Boy, the crossovers are startin' to pile up like old
newspapers here.
> I hated it when those two called me
>'Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha!'".
>
Crow: At this point, Beavis & Butthead might actually be a
step *up*.
Tom: Careful what you wish for, Crow.
Crow: *gulp!*
>"Oh, Daria, boys will be boys!," Jake answered. "Heck, I
>probably didn't do any worse than they did when I was their age."
>
Tom: [Jake] I was quite the little hellraiser in my youth. Why,
I practically invented "Mary Mary Can't Eat Dairy"!
>"Jake, how dare you defend those two!," Helen roared.
Mike: o/~ In the suburbs, the quiet suburbs, the Helen roars
tonight. o/~
> "Those two
>are so perverted they make Larry Flint look like Mahatma Gandhi!"
>
Crow: Oh. So they're like Marv Albert.
>"But, Honey--," began Jake
>
>Helen silenced him by roaring, "SHUT UP, JAKE!"
>
Mike: No, it's Wesley.
Tom: Huh?
Mike: Sorry. Reflex action.
>"Yes, Dear!," was Jake's meekish reply.
>
>"Well, I guess if it's OK with the school," Helen said,
"it's OK
>with me.
Crow: The principal screamed to the high heavens, but the
building itself had no objections per se.
> I always thought going to foreign countries helps to
>broaden one's horizons."
>
Mike: [Helen] Of course, I always used to think that way about
LSD, too....
>"I think there's an opening in our foreign exchange program, Mom.
Tom: [Daria] It's to Turkey, but I think I have enough frequent
flyer miles to upgrade.
>I'll ask," Daria replied.
>
>"Oh, Honey, you're going to like this!," Helen said.
>
Tom: And if she doesn't, she's outta the will!
>"Then again, I could live to regret it," warned Daria.
>
Crow: I know we are!
>"What will happen if Beavis and Butt-Head notice that you're not
>at the game?
Mike: They'll just have to ask everyone about the score, and
then snicker constantly?
> They'll pick on me! What will I do?," Quinn
>shrieked.
>
Crow: Just toss them a shiny object. That should keep them
busy for a while.
>"Keep your legs crossed," Daria sneered.
>
Crow: It's a Playskool story. All sharp edges removed!
>Jane snickered sinisterly over that remark.
>
Tom: And here we have a classic example of the brainless yes-man,
moving right along....
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>At an underground bunker right beneath the Lawndale Gun Club, the
>Lawndale Militia was meeting. Anthony Corlew, the commander,
>rose to speak.
>
Mike: Dearly beloved... we are gathered here today to get
through this thing called life!
>"Gee, Commander, what are we going to do tonight?", asked a
>member named Poindexter.
>
Tom: Well, rip off more talented creative artists, it would
seem.
>"The same thing we do every night, Poindexter:
Crow: [Corlew] Try to steal Felix's magic bag!
> Try to take over
>Lawndale!," said Anthony.
>
Mike: Um - ha? Ha?
>With that out of the way,
Tom: Oh, you mean the comedy relief's over?
Crow: When did it start?
> he continued:
>
>"'Operation In Your Face' is proceeding as scheduled.
Mike: What, radial keratotomy?
> As
>everyone knows, the whole town will turn out for the big game
>against Highland.
Crow: [Corlew] Hospitals, Nursing Homes, Orphanages - everything
will be emptied in honor of the sacred f'ball game!
> During that time, we will launch a blitzkrieg
>attack and take over city hall, the police station
Mike: ...several pubs and taverns...
> and the
>courthouse.
Crow: But lay off Baskin Robbins! I have a coupon!
> We will strike at half-time.
Tom: When the town is in the can.
> We've got all our
>firepower ready. In four days, Lawndale will be ours!"
>
Crow: Well, at least this story is culturally balanced.
Mike: Yeah, it has stupid Japanese, Arabic *and* American bad
guys!
>Roars of approval echoed throughout the bunker.
Mike: Man, all this just to circumvent Lawndale's prohibitive
leash laws.
Crow: Well, you can't get dog owners mad, Mike. They go nuts.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Nakajimi Tetsuo was going down a street in Shinjuku.
Crow: If he's being chased by a guy named Levih, I'm leaving.
> He was
>about five and a half feet tall with raven black hair and wore a
>dark blue suit.
Tom: He's one of Tom Wolfe's "Masters of the Universe".
Mike: Wait, this is Japan. Shouldn't we be using the metric
system?
> He had a good job as a stockbroker, but visions
>of a terrible past still haunted him:
>
Crow: His years as "official babe troller" for the New Kids On
The Block had left their scars!
>"We are the Mecha-Dominion! We will absorb your world into our
>realm!
Mike: We are the Starbucks collective! You will be assimilated
into our rich distinctive blend!
> Rebellion against us is useless!" Then the screams of
>slaughter.
>
Tom: So, was this when he was still a stockbroker or...?
Mike: Tom, they aren't kidding when they talk about
"hostile takeovers."
>But now a new, more terrible vision filled his mind.
Mike: [Tetsuo] Aaaaaaah!!!! No more "Old Navy" ads!!!
> A jet
>fighter coming out of nowhere. Missiles firing at landmark
>buildings. Fire everywhere. Bodies scattered in every
>direction.
>
Mike: Larry King on every channel! No!
>Tetsuo stopped. "Tokyo is in danger!," he exclaimed.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
Crow: [grandly] This looks like a job for- Day Traderman!
[less grandly] Right after I check the overseas markets...
I'll just be a minute, I swear...
Tom: Let's get outta here before Prince of Space shows up.
Crow: Wow. I wonder what he's doing these days?
Mike: [picking Tom up] Probably bootblacking. I heard he
like it very much.
Crow: By the way, Mike. We've got a surprise for you out
on the bridge.
Mike: Um, okay, I guess.
[The trio exits]
[1. . . 2. . . 3. . . 4. . . 5. . . 6. . . ]
From mblackwl@ix.netcom.com Sun May 21 21:15:02 2000
[Bridge]
[A large tarp covers the back wall of the Bridge. After a
moment, a blindfolded Mike is led in by Tom and Crow.]
Mike: Okay, guys. What's this big secret that you want to
show me?
Crow: Well, Tom and I have been working on something in our
off time here on the satellite, and I think that you'll
really enjoy it.
Tom: Okay! Here we are! And... um, Mike? We can't reach your
blindfold...
Mike: I've got it.
[Mike removes his blindfold as the bots gesture at the back
wall.]
Mike: Wow. A tarp. Well, I'm impressed.
Crow: No! Not the tarp. *Behind* the tarp.
Tom: Can you take care of the tarp, Mike? We've got those
non-functioning limbs...
Mike: Oh, all right.
[Mike grabs hold of a rope near the tarp and gives the rope a
tug. The tarp falls away, revealing a large door.]
Mike: Okay, a door is a bit more impressive than the tarp was...
Tom: Mike, it's not just a door. It's the door to a brand new
land of pleasure and excitement for us!
Crow: That's right, Mikey. For Tom and I have built us a
brand new...
Bots: [Dramatically] HOLOGAZEBO!
[Mike is silent for a moment.]
Mike: A hologazebo?
Crow: Yes!
Mike: Is that similar to a holodeck?
Tom: You betcha! See, Crow and I got the plans from a Star
Trek website...
Mike: ARE YOU TWO INSANE?
[The bots are quiet for a moment.]
Crow: Well, no...
Tom: My self-diagnostics indicate that everything is okey-dokey.
Mike: Let me get this straight. You two have built, on the
satellite, the one thing on Star Trek that malfunctioned
practically every time it appeared?!
Crow: Um, yes.
Mike: And you think this is a good thing?!
Tom: Come on, Mike. Think of it as a miniature Dream Park,
right here on the SoL.
Mike: Uh-huh. And how many time in those books is someone
murdered in the Park?
Crow: Mike, this won't malfunction. After all, Tom and I built it!
Mike: Fine. Let's try a little test, shall we? Crow, why don't
you boot up the most non-threatening program that you can
think of?
Crow: Okay. Computer?
[The computer's voice responds, sounding a great deal like
Christopher Walken.]
Computer: [V.O.] Working.
[Mike stares at the bots.]
Tom: The Majel Barret voice module was sold out.
[Mike shrugs and Crow resumes speaking.]
Crow: Computer, run program "Fluffy, Fuzzy Bunnies have a
picnic."
Computer: [V.O.] Affirmative.
Mike: Okay. Now watch.
[Mike walks over to the command console, bends down and picks
up a red, rubber ball. He hold it up for the bots to see, then
walks over to the door to the hologazebo, which slides open
with a "swoosh" SFX. Happy sounding, slightly tinny music
pours in from the hologazebo, along with the sounds of
laughter. Mike casually tosses the ball into the hologazebo.
Suddenly, sounds of unbearable violence can be heard from
the inside of the hologazebo.]
Tom: Ick. I've never seen rubber bleed before.
Crow: Come on, Mike. Clearly the Fluffy, Fuzzy Bunnies were
provoked by that threatening object.
Mike: Okay, new test. Crow, I'm going to throw you into the
hologazebo to make contact with the bunnies...
Crow: All right. It's a deathtrap. Is that what you wanted to
hear? [sobbing] Did you really want to smash a little
bot's dreams? We just wanted to help, is that so wrong?
[The fiction sign begins to flash merrily.]
Mike: Look, we'll discuss this later. Right now, WE'VE GOT
MISERY SIGN!
[Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 2: Ms. Morgendorffer Goes to Tokyo
>
Crow: While Debbie Does Dublin!
>Lawndale International Airport was kind of lonely at this time of
>day.
Tom: It could use a pick-me-up bouquet.
> Except for a few Hare Krishnas here and there, not too many
>people were in the lobby.
>
Crow: They had all joined the crew in the cockpit for margaritas.
>"Now, Daria, did you pack some clean underwear like I asked you
>to?," Helen asked.
>
>"Yes, Mother," Daria answered
>
Crow: [Helen] Did you remember your teddy bear?
Tom: [Daria] Yes....
Crow: [Helen] You aren't listening to me are you?
Tom: [Daria] Yes....
>"Daria," Quinn asked, "Could you bring back one of those
kimonos
>for me, please?"
>
Mike: [Quinn] Ooh! And one of those talking toilets too!
>"Quinn," Daria stated, those kimonos are pretty damn
expensive."
>
Tom: Oh come on! Where's that dry-as-a-desert Daria wit?!
Crow: Yeah, like "Why don't I get you something more authentically
Japanese? Like mercury poisoning?"
>"Pretty please?," Quinn whined.
>
>"C'mon, Daria," Jake said, "this is probably going to be the
only
>time you'll ever get to go to Japan."
>
Mike: [Daria] Dad, they sell them at Pier 1.
Crow: [Quinn] And that sex shop on 5th... Whoops.
>"OK, OK," Daria said, resignedly; "if I see one at a
reasonable
>price, I'll get one for you."
>
>"Thanks, Daria!," chirped Quinn
>
Mike: [grandly] She agrees to buy souvenirs! [sings Daria theme]
o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
>Besides Daria and her family, there was Jane, and the only two
>friends in Lawndale High School they had,
Crow: Booze and denial!
> Jodie Landon and
>Michael Jordan Mackenzie, or Mack for short.
>
Tom: G'day, eh? Where's the beer?
>"If there's any airheads at the high school you're going to,
>Daria, heckle them for me,"
Mike: Well, that takes care of Usagi right off the bat.
> Jane said. "And see if they've got a
>Japanese version of 'Sick Sad World' over there."
>
Crow: Heck, the entire Japanese lineup could be shown on SSW!
>"Right," responded Daria.
>
Tom: [Jane] Left, sir.
>"Have a nice time over there," Jodie added. "Let me know
what
>you think of the sushi."
>
Mike: [Daria] Well, I think it's pretty much raw fish and rice.
>""I've got a cousin at an American base not too far from Tokyo.
>Maybe you can look him up," Mack said as he gave Daria a slip of
>paper.
>
Crow: A fortune! You will go to Japan and be trapped in a goofy
crossover! In bed!
>"I'll try my best, Mack," Daria answered.
>
>The airport PA system announced that the flight to Tokyo would
>soon be boarding.
>
Mike: [PA] Flight 101, now boarding children, pregnant women,
and poorly drawn animated characters on Runway 6.
Crow: [Daria] Well, that's me guys.
>"You'd better get on board, Daria," Helen said.
>
Tom: [Helen] If you don't, you'll regret it. Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life!
>"Right," Daria said. " Bye, everyone. I'll write
often."
>
Tom: [Daria] To remind you how my superiority over the lot of
you pathetic, non-angsty losers continually depresses me.
>With that Daria hugged her family and friends, and went down the
>gate.
>
Mike: Um, when was the last time Daria hugged *anything*?
Crow: When she was 4 - her teddy bear, "Ennui".
>"Man, I really envy Daria right now," Quinn said. "She's
going
>to Japan and I have to go to the big game in three days and put
>up with Beavis and Butt-Head."
>
Mike: Well, don't go to the game then, geez....
>As if there couldn't be anyone dumber than those two, Kevin
>Thompson, the star quarterback for Lawndale High, and his
>girlfriend, head cheerleader Brittany Taylor, appeared.
Crow: I detect juuust a bit of hostility against these two
from the author.
Mike: Really?
Crow: Yeah, it might be too subtle for most people to pick up
though.
> Kevin
>was wearing his football uniform (which he wore everywhere)
Tom: Even to church. Even to sleep. Even to sleep in church.
> while
>Brittany was in her cheerleader uniform, which showed how well
>endowed (and stupid) she was.
>
Tom: That's some uniform!
Crow: I bet it even tells us her real hair color!
>"Hey, what's up, everyone?," Brittany asked as she twirled her
>hair around her finger.
>
Mike: She shouldn't play with her wig like that - it makes it
really noticeable.
>"Daria just left for Japan," Jake said.
>
Mike: [Kevin] Yay!
Crow: [Jake] But she's coming back.
Mike: [Kevin] Oh, damn.
>"Hey, I hear Japan's a pretty cool country," Kevin said.
>
Crow: [Kevin] They got Indians, right?
>"But not as cool as you, Kevin," gushed Brittany as she hugged
>Kevin.
>
Tom: [wistful] Wow, Mike, I'll bet this takes you back to the
first time you fell deeply in love with a comely young
girl who dumped you for the school jock!
Mike: [same] Yeah, lotta good mem- [stops] hey!
>"Aw, gee, Cupcake!," Kevin replied.
Crow: You're such a good hostess! Ha! Hostess! Because I
called you cupcake!
> "Anyway, when's the next
>drill, Mack Daddy?"
>
Mike: [Mack] Sears has theirs on sale next week.
>"Kevin," Mack said, "For the last time, don't call me 'Mack
>Daddy'! I hate that name!"
>
Tom: [mother] Oh, Mack dearie. If you show them it bothers you,
it just encourages him!
>"OOPS! Sorry!", Kevin gasped.
>
Crow: [Yul Brynner] I'm dead now. Don't smoke. But if you
do, be sure to ask your local video store for "The King
and I", now out on DVD!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Narita Airport (or New Tokyo International Airport, as it was
>officially known) was hopping when Daria arrived.
Crow: Trying to work off some of that holiday paunch, I see.
> Already jet
>lag was taking its toll on her. She looked like she'd been
>through a war.
>
Tom: Specifically the War of the Nerds.
Crow: [nerdy] You nimrod! Jadzia is way cooler than Ezri!
Mike: [nerdy] Die!
>"They're right," Daria muttered to herself, "Airline food is
>lousy!"
Mike: She repeats a tired cliché! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
> She did look disheveled.
Crow: Thank you for pointing that out....repeatedly!
> She didn't sleep too well on
>the flight.
Tom: This kid with a really big forehead kept kicking the back
of her seat.
> Her hair was a wreck, her olive drab jacket was
>scrunched up, her black skirt was hiked up,
Tom: Heh. I can see her un-Daria-wear. Whoo!
Mike: Don't force it, Tom.
> and one of the laces
>on her combat boots was untied.
Tom: And she suddenly felt a vestigial nipple in her left armpit.
> Just then, she walked right into
>someone.
>
Tom: AHHH!!! She's a demon!
Mike: Daria's real problem is she's overly *possessive!* [waves
his hand] Thank you! I'm here all week!
>"A thousand pardons to you, Madam!," said the stranger.
>
>"Up yours!," Daria yelled back.
>
Crow: Daria Morgendorffer: International Ambassador of Goodwill.
>Daria didn't know it, but she bumped into the person who was
>going to nuke Lawndale in three days time.
>
Mike: It just goes to show you, always be polite. Or else someone
might nuke your hometown for your rudeness.
>Akbar went up to a rent-a-car counter and rented a Toyota Corolla
>2-door.
Crow: [Akbar] Ah yes! Good model! Lots of storage for nitrogen-based
fertiliz- DAH, I mean, toast! Much room for toast!
Mike: And the author sneaks in some product placement to earn a
few extra bucks.
> He then went to a pay phone to book a room at a nearby
>motel.
>
Tom: [Akbar] Please not to give me room near American devils
Mulder and Scully! I need my sleep!
>"In three days time," Akbar said to himself, "The Great
Satan
>will have his war brought home to him!"
>
Crow: In 30 minutes or it's free!
>Daria, meanwhile, was surprised to see a chauffeur standing with
>a card that said "Morgendorffer" on it.
>
Tom: That's a really big card....
>"Are you Ms. Daria Morgendorffer?," asked the chauffeur.
>
>"Yes, and who might you be, the welcoming committee from Hell?"
>
Mike: [droll] Yes. You may call me the Chauffeur of the Flies.
>"Your sense of humor is sharp,"
Crow: Like a beachball.
Tom: I was leaning toward Patrick Stewart's head myself.
Mike: I'm still waiting for her to be witty.
> the chauffeur said, "but I was
>sent at the request of Mizuno Ami, your friend. She told me to
>take you directly to Sendai Hill Shrine. It was important."
>
Tom: Wait a minute, how can Ami afford a limo?
Mike: Merchandising?
Crow: Sales of Sailor Moon brand jeans are up 400% this year!
>"Lead the way," Daria said. "Things couldn't get much worse.
Crow: o/~ I have to admit, it's getting better! A little better... o/~
>After all, the food was lousy, and I didn't sleep well at all."
>
Tom: [Daria] And your culture is a more disturbing than an Uncle
Duke fever dream.
>"Right this way," the chauffeur said.
>
Crow: If I could right that way, I wouldn't *need* the talcum
powder!
Mike: [chauffeur] Would you like the radio? We have Gamera
News, Godzilla News, Mothra News, and Country 101.6.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"Ami," Hino Rei, the miko of Sendai Hill Shrine
Crow: Sounds like a Cypress Hill/Wu Tang Clang crossover.
> began to say,
>"you'd better have a good reason why you asked all of us to be
>here right now! You interrupted me right in the middle of shrine
>services!"
>
Tom: [Rei] You think being this bitchy comes naturally?!
>"This won't take long," Ami promised. "As you know, in three
>days, I leave for Germany. However, the Sailor Senshi won't be
>undermanned.
Mike: [Ami] Er, girled.
> I got someone coming who will take my place while
>I'm gone."
>
Crow: [Ami] Don't be alarmed if she brings her Eva.
>"This better be worth it," Kino Makoto added, "since the
last
>time you were planning to go to Germany, you changed your mind at
>the last minute."
>
Tom: [Makoto] You really put a damper on our 'Ami's Gone' party
you know!
>"Yeah," Usagi added, "and Mamoru had dumped me!"
>
>"AHEM!," Mamoru cleared his throat.
>
>"OOPS! Sorry!," Usagi gasped.
>
Crow: Um, what just happened here?
Tom: Damn, parallelism again! X-men/Star Trek was bad enough!
>"I'm pretty sure that the person you will meet will live up to
>everyone's expectations," Artemis said. "Ami said that she was
>as smart as she is."
>
Mike: But not as 'talented'.
Crow: I'll say!
>"Great," moaned Aino Minako, "another egghead who prefers
curling
>up with a good book instead of going to the movies with a guy!
>Don't eggheads like you have lives, Ami?"
>
Tom: Hoo boy.....
Crow: Someone doesn't quite grasp the meaning of "Friendship"
do they?
>"And what do you mean by that remark, Minako?," Ami demanded.
>
Mike: [Minako] That you're an egghead who prefers curling up
with a good book instead of going to the movies with a
guy! But don't take it personally or anything.
>"Now, now, ladies," Luna said, "Let's not get hot under the
>collar!
Crow: Your fans want you hot somewhere else, if the e-mail's
any indication.
> I'm pretty sure all will work out for the best."
>
Crow: [Luna] At least it isn't one of those SI people....
>Just then, Daria arrived. She introduced herself rather curtly:
>
Tom: Which, to be fair, was her normal tone of voice.
>"Hello. My name is Daria Morgendorffer.
All: [Sailor Senshi] *GAI-JIN!!!*
> I'm from Lawndale, USA.
Mike: [Daria] My turn-ons are black-and-white movies, long
walks by moonlight, and candlewax dripped slowly on my
bare, arching back. My turn-offs...
>I just had one Hell
Tom: (TM), of course.
Mike: Back out of the Looniverse, guys.
> of a flight, my stomach's upset from the
>airline food, I didn't sleep well,
Crow: [Daria] And apparently I've been subjected to a complete
humorectomy.
> and I've got a short temper.
>So let's cut the crap and get down to business."
>
Mike: [Daria] Who's the hit?
>Usagi swallowed with a loud "ULP!"
>
Tom: Usagi is Popeye?
Crow: Yep. She's Popeye the Sailor-moon! *toot*
Mike: Just what we need, anime of a schoolgirl reaching down
the front of her dress.
>Ami knew she had to defuse the situation quickly.
>
Mike: [Ami] Perhaps booze will alleviate this situation?
>"Well, Daria, I'm sorry that your flight didn't go too well," Ami
>began to say; "Please, let me introduce you to my friends.
Crow: 2 hours later, we finally learn who these people are!
> The
>one with the long blonde ponytails is Tsukino Usagi.
Crow: Her likes are: Mamoru, food, sleep, and shiny objects.
Tom: Her hates are: Chibi-Usa, self-insertion characters,
Chibi-Usa, and thinking.
> The black-
>haired lady in the white robe and red hakama is Hino Rei, the
>miko of this shrine.
Crow: [Ami] You guys can say hello any time! Feel free!
Mike: I wish I had a clue of what a miko is.
> The girl with the auburn ponytail is Kino
>Makoto.
Bots: WAR EAGLE!!!
> The other blonde with the bow in her hair is Aino
>Minako.
Tom: The devil with the blue dress, blue dress, blue dress,
devil with the blue dress on is a way cool Mitch Ryder
tune.
> The girl with long dark green hair is Meiou Setsuna.
Mike: [Ami] And what a tale we have to tell about how she got that!
>The one with the short, dirty blond hair is Ten'ou Haruka.
Tom: [Haruka] Yours isn't that clean either!
Mike: I hope you're getting this, there's a quiz next period.
> The
>girl with the green hair is Kaiou Michiru.
Crow: [Michiru] Ami, I protest! We Sailor Senshi are complex
characters with depth and emotion that cannot be
described by just hair colors!
Tom: [Ami] Oh?
Crow: [Michiru] Well... all right, but you could at least pretend!
> The lady with the
>short black hair is Tomoe Horatu. The little girl with pink hair
>is Chibi-Usa.
Mike: o/~ Gimme a fic with hair! Long, beautiful ha-air! o/~
> The guy with black hair is Chiba Mamoru.
Mike: [Ami] And, of course, Bubbles, Blossom and Buttercup.
Crow: [Daria] Let me see if I have this straight:
Kinky Toto, Ain't No Minnow, Mayo Set Sauna, Ten To Harpo,
Kai's Power Tools, Tomato Horatio, Cheap USA and
Chubby Su-Maru?
Tom: [Ami, giggling] Close enough!
> The
>black cat is Luna, and the white one is Artemis."
>
Crow: Somewhere, someone in Roanoke, VA is smiling.
Mike: [Daria] Well, now that the intros are out of the way,
let's wrassle!
>A less-than-enthusiastic "Hello" issued from everyone.
>
>"I see this is going to be a tough crowd," Daria said.
>
Tom: If this were a commercial, now would be when she'd
whip out a big McDonald's bag from behind her back and
shout, "I brought fries!", and they'd all cheer and
smile and be friends!
> "OK, Usagi," Ami said, "I guess you should let Daria know
our
>secret."
>
Tom: [Usagi] About the eleven secret herbs and spices??
Crow: [Ami] The *other* secret!
Tom: [Usagi] Oh. Ok... Well, Daria, me and Ami....
Crow: [Ami] No! The *other* other secret!
>Usagi drew a deep breath and began:
>
Mike: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
>"Daria, what if I told you that everything is not as it seems
>here?"
>
Mike: [Usagi] Oh, to hell with it. Morpheus, you give the "red
pill/blue pill" speech. I need a drink.
>"You dragged me all the way here to tell me something I already
>know?," shot back Daria, sarcastically. "What a gyp!"
>
Crow: [Daria] Well, if you're done with me I'll just go home now.
>"Trust me on this one," Usagi continued, "what if I told you
that
>a thousand years ago we all lived on the Moon as members of the
>Royal Court of the Moon Kingdom?"
>
Tom: [Daria] I shoulda stuck with that Freakazoid crossover
Spielberg was hawking me!
>Daria groaned, "Beam me up, Scotty, this planet is going to Hell
>in a handbasket!"
>
Tom: And the handbasket is known as "anime"!
>"C'mon, Daria, I'm being serious here!," continued Usagi;
"You
>see, a thousand years ago Queen Beryl and her Dark Kingdom
>destroyed the Moon Kingdom and my mother, Queen Serenity.
Tom: Then Santa Claus came down from Heaven in his spaceship
and... oh, you finish it! I'm bitter!
> We
>were sent to Earth and reincarnated so we could protect the Earth
>from the Dark Kingdom and all other threats.
Mike: Oh, so they're all Hindus!
Crow: No, Mike.
> We defeated the
>Dark Kingdom, Ail and Ann, the Wiseman and the Four Sisters,
Tom: Mike Ovitz...
> the
>Death Busters,
Crow: The Dust Busters... that one I think the police could've
handled, frankly...
> the Black Moon Circus, and--most recently--Sailor
>Galaxia.
Mike: Plus The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler...
Crow: Doc Ock, The Green Goblin, Kraven...
Tom: The Cylons, The Vorlons, That Scorpion guy from "Farscape"...
> You see, we are the Sailor Senshi you may have heard
>about in the news.
Crow: [Daria] You're the guys who took bribes to guarantee
government PDA contracts for Novacorp?
Tom: [Ami] No, the *other* news!
> I'm Sailor Moon; Ami's Sailor Mercury; Rei's
>Sailor Mars;
Mike: Chad... is just Chad. But the uniform fits his hips so well!
> Mako's Sailor Jupiter; Minako's Sailor Venus;
Crow: Don't forget Sailor Redundant; Sailor Redundant; and her
sidekick, Sailor Redundant...
> Chibi-
>Usa's Sailor Chibi-Moon;
Mike: She would have been Sailor Shoemaker-Levy 9, but that's a
member of the LSH.
> Setsuna's Sailor Pluto;
Tom: Omit needless Senshi! Omit needless Senshi!
> Haruka's Sailor
>Uranus;
Mike: Guys...
Tom: Don't worry, Nelson, it's too easy.
Crow: Yeah, like shooting bunnies in a barrel.
> Michiru's Sailor Neptune; Hotaru's Sailor Saturn;
>Mamoru's Tuxedo Mask,
Crow: Or Sailor Beefcake as we call him...
> and Luna and Artemis can talk."
>
Tom: And a hard boiled egg.
[Crow makes a honking noise.]
Tom: Make that two hard boiled eggs.
Mike: [Usagi] Excuse me....need to catch my breath for a sec. *huff*
>Daria began to sarcastically hum the theme from "The Twilight
>Zone".
>
Mike: Rod Serling's ghost quickly appeared to beat her up.
>"Daria," Luna said, "I will not allow you to act
sarcastically!
Crow: You will sincerely mean your sarcasm or bring shame to the
country you call Lawndale!
>That is not the proper way for a Sailor Senshi to behave!
Mike: Welcome to Japan! Conform or die!
> This
>is a serious situation you're in. Let Ami explain."
>
Crow: More explaining?! NOOOOOO!
Tom: Jeez, "Dune" had less exposition than this.
>"Daria," Ami said "as you know, I have to leave for my
medical
>studies in Germany in three days.
Tom: Studying under the great V. V. Fronkenshteen, no doubt.
> Someone has to take my place
>as Sailor Mercury while I'm gone.
Crow: And since Nancy Walker won't return our calls, you're in!
> I think you're the best person
>there is."
>
Mike: Well then. Ami's lost her mind.
>Daria shot back, "First, you cook up some cockamamie story about
>being recreated from some Moon Kingdom,
Crow: No, first was the two-hour introduction scene. Weren't you
listening?
> now I have talking cats
>to deal with. Is this 'Candid Camera', and if so, where's Allan
>Funt?"
>
Mike: Um, slowly decomposing in his coffin?
>"Daria," Luna replied, "believe me, I know this is kind of
>difficult for you to take,
Tom: But you gotta eat Chibi's boogers or you can't be in
the club!
> but at first we didn't know if this
>would be feasible, since you weren't around during the Silver
>Millennium.
Crow: [Luna] I'd explain what that means, but now it's time to
remind you of our various hair styles.
> But I think it can be done. Ami, give me your power
>stick."
>
Mike: [Ami] What?! No! That's personal and priv- oh! Sorry, you
meant the superhero thing, heh. I'll get it.
>Ami handed it to Luna; she then gave it to Daria.
>
Tom: Who gave it to Charlie Trie, who traded it to the Chinese
for Democrat campaign contributions.
>Luna continued, "Now, the both of you hold on to my tail".
Crow: Good. Let's train the kids to grab the kitty's tail!
Good call.
Mike: Crow, the whole thing's just a ruse by Luna to get free
skritchies.
> They
>both did, and Ami's Sailor Mercury powers left her and entered
>Daria.
>
Tom: [Luna] Very good. Now the painful series of 14 injections
to the stomach!
Mike: Shouldn't they give her some kind of test first?
Crow: Or at least check her references?
>"I didn't notice a damn difference," sneered Daria.
>
Tom: [Daria] I do feel like making a short speech about love and
justice though.
>"Now, hold the power stick up high and say 'SUPER MERCURY STAR
>POWER, MAKE-UP!,'" said Luna.
>
Crow: Then hit "F1" repeatedly. A black screen with a series of
menu options should appear.
>"OK, but I don't think anything is going to happen," was Daria's
>curt reply.
>
Tom: Yeah, that's what they always say.
>Daria held the power stick like it was some moldy breadstick the
>local pizzeria back at Lawndale was giving away,
Mike: SUPER FANFIC ALLEGORY POWER, GROSS OUT!
> and said "SUPER
>MERCURY STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!".
Tom: I don't picture Daria as a make-up kinda girl.
> Immediately, Daria had the
>sensation that someone had ripped her clothes off.
Tom: Are we sure this isn't a Venus 5 crossover?
Mike: Don't give the authors ideas, Tom.
> "Great, now
>the whole damn world can see I've got small breasts!", she
>muttered to herself.
Mike: If it helps, they're still bigger than mine.
> As soon as the transformation was complete,
>and Daria was in Sailor Mercury's seirafuku costume, everyone
>knew that the transfer was successful.
>
Tom: Well the *costuming* was successful. And that's all they
really cared about.
>"Congratulations, Daria! You're now the new Sailor Mercury!,"
>Usagi blushed.
Tom: Loud blush.
> She motioned Daria to a nearby mirror. Daria
>took one look.
>
>"I hate this seirafuku," Daria replied;
Mike: o/~ That's all it took! Yeah, just one look! o/~
> "it looks frumpy on me!
Mike: [Ami] Yeah, you kind of do... Damn! Hokiyama Blackwell's
released his list of the Ten Worst Dressed Animated
Characters. You're three of the top four!
>I want something else!"
>
Mike: [Ami] Okay, we've got a bikini version of our uniform you
can wear...
>"Daria," Luna said, "this is the uniform of the Sailor
Senshi.
>Wear it with pride."
>
Mike: "Pride" being this lacy little undergarment thing here.
Crow: [Luna] When you go out on that bar top, you're not just
dancing for yourself, you're dancing for all of us!
>Daria stepped on Luna's tail in response;
Crow: Those cats will have bells on their tails and bags on
their feet before this is over.
> Luna gave out a loud
>"ROWR!".
>
Tom: [Daria] You're not Luna! You're Upchuck in disguise!
Mike: [Upchuck] I like my Sailor Senshi feisty!
>"UP YOURS!," Daria bickered.
>
Mike: She insults a helpless housecat! *o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~*
Tom: Daria's personality in this fic was donated by Wendy O'
Williams.
>"I don't think Daria's going to be a good team member, Mamoru,"
>whined Usagi.
>
Crow: Duh. Well maybe you shouldn't have let her on the
team then.
Tom: They can always put her on monitor duty while the rest of
the Superfriends fight the Legion of Doom.
>"I couldn't agree with you more, Usagi," conceded Mamoru..
>
Tom: [Usagi] What say we blow this joint and go to Bermuda?
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
Tom: Hey guys, read between the lines! Hehehehe....
[Mike and Crow groan.]
>--------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Hamada Ieyasu was just a typical person living in a quiet street
>in a suburb of Narita.
Crow: Well, except for being fictional.
> That is, he would be typical except for
>one thing:
Mike: He actually *enjoys* ham and pineapple pizza.
Tom: Say, that *is* science fictional!
Mike: Sci2K me!
> he had a working-order Kawasaki Ki-45 Toryu night
>fighter/ground attack aircraft in his backyard.
Mike: Ah, that's nothing! I used to know a guy who kept a
Sherman tank in his backyard and an anti-aircraft gun
on his roof. Until that day he started shooting at
those gnomes...
> He had a long,
>gray, tapered Fu Manchu beard and was greasy from his work.
Crow: Hey, it's Fong!
Tom: Wow, he's really moved up from Cave Dwellers.
Mike: Is he one of those guys from those kung-fu movies you told
me about?
Tom: Not quite...
> He
>wore a soft cap and a velvet jacket.
Tom: It wouldn't happen to be a smoking jacket would it?
Mike: I'm missing something here, I can feel it.
> He was doing some routine
>maintenance on it when his grandson Hideki asked him about the
>plane.
>
Crow: [Hideki] Pawpaw, wouldn't it work better if it had an engine?
Tom: [Ieyasu] That's just crazy talk, boy!
>"You're pretty proud of that airplane, aren't you, Grandpa?,"
>began Hideki.
>
Mike: [Ieyasu] Yes, yes I am. Now get off, you're scratching
the paint!
>Ieyasu began to tell him about the plane:
>
Crow: [Ieyasu] Yessir, me and this baby shot down a lot of planes
in its day.
Tom: [Hideki] That was during the war, right?
Crow: [Ieyasu] Yes. Of course. During the war, and not last week.
>"Yes I am, Hideki. I may have flown it in a losing cause, but it
>served me well.
Tom: Oh, he's that guy in the Douglas Adams skit! The kamikaze
pilot who flew thirty-four missions! He's funny!
Mike: Tommy? Don't get your hopes up.
> I was just lucky that I managed to salvage parts
>for it and rebuild it;
Mike: Thankfully there are lots of airplane junkyards in Japan.
> after the way, the American occupation
>forces scrapped most of our nation's war capabilities.
Tom: Good thing he hung onto the receipt.
> Remember,
>back then, we and the United States were not on the best of
>terms.
Crow: [Ieyasu] They called us names. They kept changing the
presets on the radio station. They kept drinking our
milk and placing the empty carton back in the fridge...
> Ruthless military men had virtual control of our nation
>in name if not in fact. They had launched a foolhardy quest to
>annex much of East Asia to our territory and committed many
>atrocities.
Mike: Like "Thundercats"! What the hell was *that* about?
> This plane was one of the best craft ever built.
Crow: Oooh, nice transition.
Mike: [Ieyasu] Ator built it for me out of bamboo and coconuts.
>Did you know that it was this plane, and not the Mitsubishi A6M
>that made the first Kamikaze attack on American naval vessels?
Tom: [Hideki] Um... but it's still here, Grampa.
>The Americans called this plane the 'Nick' like the A6M was
>called the 'Zero'."
>
Crow: [Ieyasu, nerdy] You can check that fact in the
"Aircraft of the World: The Complete Guide"
>Ieyasu paused to go toward the tail of the Nick.
Mike: [Hideki] Grandpa, pausing means you don't go anywhere.
Did you take your pills with plum wine again?
> He continued:
>
>"You may notice that the Rising Sun is on a white stripe on this
>plane.
Tom: [Ieyasu] You may, if you cared. But I'll pretend you're
listening intently, for it gives me forbidden pleasure!
> That meant that this plane was serving in the defense of
>the homeland. And the marking of the tail indicates that it was
>with the 1st Chutai of the 53rd Sentai based in Matsudo here in
>Chiba-ken."
>
Tom: [Hideki, yawning] That's fascinating grampa. Really.
Crow: I'd just like to point out that all information contained
in the last paragraph has now left my brain.
>Hideki asked, "What was your greatest adventure in this plane?"
>
Mike: [Ieyasu] Oh, lets see....that would have to be the time me
and my buds got hammered and we buzzed Buddokhan during the
Cheap Trick concert. Whew! And then I invited this pert
little Swedish stewardess to come and sit in my cockpit...
>"Well, one time," Ieyasu answered, "shortly before the
atomic
>bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, we went up against the Americans
>and their Superfortresses on one of their raids against Tokyo. I
>managed to shoot down three that night.
Mike: [Ieyasu, distantly] I sure hope they were Americans...
> However, my tailgunner
>was killed when a fourth retaliated after we bungled an attempt
>to shoot that one down. I was lucky to escape with my life."
>
Crow: [Ieyasu] *My* parachute worked!
>Ieyasu then added this rather suddenly:
>
Mike: [Ieyasu] I always had this thing for Bess Truman. [pause]
Anyway, about the plane...
>"You know, Hideki, I wonder how things might have been different
>if the military hadn't slowly crept into power and we didn't join
>the Nazi Germans and the Fascist Italians.
Mike: Well, A&E would have find something new to talk about.
> We might have joined
>the Americans and together forced both of them to surrender
>sooner that they did.
Tom: [Ieyasu] And Germany! Perhaps if Hitler had not come to
power, they could have joined the fighting too!
> We might have launched a campaign to expel
>the Germans from the Soviet Union.
Crow: [Ieyasu] Maybe we could have warned Einstein to shampoo less
and condition more. Oh, so many regrets, Hideki!
> We might have gone into
>Berlin instead of the Soviets.
Tom: [Ieyasu] We might have had eggs for breakfast.
> What I don't figure is why both
>our government and the American government won't just own up to
>what happened.
Crow: Maybe because they'd have to take responsibility for it?
> They say the Americans should apologize for using
>the atomic bomb but why won't our government apologize for the
>Rape of Nanjing or the Korean comfort women or the Baatan Death
>March when most of its citizens are indeed sorry for those
>things.
Crow: This is what's known technically as the "Not Funny" part
of the story.
Mike: Just wait - any second now, they'll go back to Daria and
the Moon Children being witty.
> Why can't both our nations admit that mistakes were made
>by everyone, make a commitment to make sure nothing like this
>ever happens again, and get on with our lives? Why is it that
>the people know better than our elected leaders?"
>
Tom: Boy, that really puts that whole Monica thing in perspective.
>"Beats me, Grandpa," said an astonished Hideki; "I guess
adults
>aren't better than us kids."
>
Crow: [Hideki] I *always* apologize after bombing a country back
to the stone age.
>Ieyasu got a good laugh over that. "Grandma should be ready with
>dinner soon," he said.
Mike: [Ieyasu] So you'd better run like hell.
> "You'd better go in and set the table.
>I'll have this plane ready for the Narita Air Show by the end of
>the week, or I'll eat my hat.
Crow: So that's why the old codger has a skirt steak on his head.
Tom: I was wondering!
> And tell your father when he and
>your mother come to pick you up that I hope he'll make it this
>year. This old bird's gonna win the Grand Prize this year, or
>I'll have to commit seppuku."
>
Crow: Wow, now that's competitive!
>"You wouldn't!," said an alarmed Hideki.
>
>"Just kidding, Hideki," reassured Ieyasu.
>
Crow: Out of idle curiosity, what was the flippin' point of that
scene?
Mike: It ties it all together. With the terrorists, and the
planes, and the little giggling Japanese girls and...
Tom: and the militia, and the Japanese executive, and...
Crow: and Daria, and the incompetent bad guys, and, and, and...
All: [sobbing, crying, whimpering]
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Dr. Vander Helffen was at his office.
Crow: Stephanie's father from "Newhart"!
> He was poring over his
>latest plans to hijack the Neo-Zero prototype when Yoriko
>arrived.
>
Crow: [loudly] HEY, DOC, WE STILL STEALIN' THAT NEO-ZERO PROTOTYPE?!
Tom: [desperate] Shhhhh!
>"Time for your pill again, Yoriko," he said.
Tom: [Yoriko] Aren't you gonna crush it in a spoon of grape
jelly?
Mike: [Helffen] You're a very big girl now, Yoriko...
Tom: [Yoriko] But Mom always crushes it in grape jelly! 'S'not
fair!
> She took a bottle
>marked "Hi no Tori" Immortality Pills and ingested one of them.
>
Tom: Hi no Tori, from A to Zinc!
Mike: It's new, from Ronco Industries!
>"Now, on to business, Yoriko," he continued. "I have grave
>concerns for Ryu."
>
Crow: I've seen his report card, and he's failing algebra.
>"How so?," Yoriko wanted to know.
>
Tom: Oh no, Crow.
Crow: What?
Tom: Never mind.
>Dr. Vander Helffen replied, "Our ninja spies have seen him
>hanging around with known SDF intelligence agents in the Ginza."
Crow: He's giving them valuable knife information!
Tom: Ninja... spies...
>He proceeded to take some photographs out of a manila envelope.
>
Mike: [Helffen] I used a hi-focus, telescopic lens, so I hope
you like them.
>"So, I see," was her reply.
>
Tom: You know, snapping pictures of Pamela Anderson undressed
isn't really a big deal...
>"If Ryu is indeed acting as a double agent, he is to be
>eliminated," Dr. Vander Helffen stated.
Tom: And if I remembered who Ryu was or which side he was on,
this might mean something to me.
> "We're tailing him now,
>even as we speak.
Mike: [Yoriko] Wow, we're pretty efficient.
> If he is working for the SDF behind our backs,
>give the kill order."
>
Crow: [Helffen] If he isn't, order me a sandwich. I'm starving!
>"Understood, Dr. Vander Helffen," replied Yoriko.
>
Tom: [Helffen] Very good. Here's a lollipop!
Mike: [Yoriko] Yummy, red!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Gen. Torymura had gotten the full report from Ryu of the NIRAA's
>plot to steal the Neo-Zero prototype, and now he was ready to
>take action.
>
Mike: SWIFT, RADICAL, SURGE action!
Tom: [Torymura] Units four and five will monitor Dunkin'
Doughnuts, and unit six will pick up the pizzas.
Crow: Didn't we sign a "no doughnuts joke" contract?
Tom: That was with the other guy. Null and Void as far as
I'm concerned.
>"This is serious," he began; "If the NIRAA seizes the
prototype,
>nothing in the SDF arsenal can stop it.
Mike: [Torymura] Well, maybe that old battleship that we've
converted into a spaceship. But nothing else!
> We will need to get some
>additional help. If the rumors are true about what I heard about
>the Sailor Senshi, they may be our only hope against the NIRAA."
>
Tom: Well, as a wise man once said, "Screw the A-bomb, we need
Shabon Spray!"
Crow: You'd think the Japanese government would be better prepared.
Mike: Come on guys, obviously he needs an excuse to get the Senshi
involved and this is plausible. Sort of.
>"I think I know someone who can contact them;" replied Ryu.
Mike: [Ryu] This guy named Jimmy Olsen has a signal watch, and...
> "His
>name is Chiba Mamoru.
Crow: It is? My god! The poor devil!
> He's in the self- defense class I teach at
>the Morita Dojo.
Tom: Right next to Arnold's.
> If what I suspect of him is true, I can get the
>Sailor Senshi on our side."
>
Tom: If Ken Starr were Japanese!
>"Proceed," ordered Gen. Torymura. "The fate of Japan rests
on
>your shoulders, Ryu."
>
Crow: But he's not a young boy in disturbing shorts! Something is
fundamentally flawed here!
>Ryu departed, not noticing that the receptionist had overheard
>everything that had happened. She was an NIRAA ninja spy,
Tom: [Don Pardo] Tune in next time for more adventures of -
SAMURAI SECRETARY!!!!
> and
>was now sending a secret message by a secret relaying device
Mike: Called a "pager".
> to
>NIRAA headquarters.
>
Tom: I bet she's a master of the ancient ninja art of collating.
Crow: OK, so double agent Ryu has to contact a karate studio
before the NRA starts printing PDFs?
Mike: No, the NRA is going to attend SIFF.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"Japan Air Lines, how may I help you?," asked a ticket agent on
>the phone Akbar was ordering his ticket..
>
Crow: [Akbar] Non-smoking. [pause] Aisle. [pause] Chicken.
[pause] Hijacking. D'oh!
>"This is Akbar el-Salaam," he began; "I would like to book a
>seat on the Saturday flight from Narita to Berlin." Luckily for
>Akbar, this was his first hijacking,
Mike: Awww.....
Tom: They grow up so fast!
> and there would be no record
>of him by any of the aviation or law enforcement authorities on
>file.
Crow: [sarcasm] And he could *never* give a false name. Sheesh!
Tom: Cheating like that just cheapens the whole hijacking process!
> Until now, Akbar had been content with the occasional
>strafing of Jewish settlements in East Jerusalem and throwing
>rocks at Israeli troops.
Crow: Hey, I don't remember this part from Star Wars!
Tom: Wrong Akbar, Crow.
> Now he was in the big leagues.
>
Mike: So, the Yanks are going to sweep him in four?
>"What class?," the agent asked.
>
Tom: Technically, he could say "no class" and get away with it.
>Akbar answered, "First class."
>
Tom: I don't picture many terrorists flying first class.
Mike: Steinbrenner?
Tom: I stand corrected.
>The agent replied, "Smoking or non-smoking?"
>
Mike: Non. At least until the bomb goes off.
Crow: If this turns into one of those blasted Michelob ads....
>"I thought all flights were now non-smoking," inquired Akbar.
>
>"That's only for United States airlines, sir," replied the agent.
>
Tom: *We* still allow you to slowly poison yourself and others.
>"Non-smoking," answered Akbar.
>
Tom: Another piece of data for when you play "The Misty Scarecrow
Neon-Zima Doohickey Boomerang Deadweight Trivia Game."
>"OK," the agent said; "you can pick up your ticket at the
gate on
>the morning of departure. Thanks you for flying Japan Air Lines,
>and have a nice flight."
>
Mike: [Akbar] You seem so cold and distant now. Was I just a sale
to you? Was that all our time together meant?
Crow: If only she'd asked "Thermonuclear or non-Thermonuclear?",
the whole story could've ended right here!
>"It will be nice all right," Akbar sneered as he hung up the
>phone. "My destination will be with Allah in Paradise."
>
Mike: He just has a connecting flight in Berlin.
Tom: So, to sum up... Akbar orders a ticket.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Gov. Nagai was holding a rally at the Ginza, Tokyo's
>entertainment district.
Crow: Yeah, this is where all the talking toilets and vomiting
monkeys hone their craft before making the big time.
> There was a huge crowd. PA speakers
>were everywhere, as well as streamers and signs.
Tom: [Nagai] I welcome you to Open Lanes Night! Shoe rentals
half-off until eight!
> Nagai was
>making a speech where it seemed he'd promise sushi in everyone's
>heated dinner table or a full rice cooker if that would make
>Japan prosperous again.
>
Crow: Later, he promised a Newer Dealie to everyone if he
were elected.
>"My friends," Gov. Nagai began, "we can make Japan better
than it
>is now.
Mike: Better. Stronger. Faster.
[All hum "$6,000,000 Man" theme]
> We just need the courage to take the difficult steps
>that need to be taken. Let us go forward with that vision."
>
Mike: [raising hand warily] Um, actually, I left my contacts in
last night? My vision's kinda blurry.
>Tetsuo was going down the street and noticed the rally. He then
>looked at a balcony across the street. He noticed something
>sinister going on.
Mike: Simon Bar Sinister, to be precise.
Tom: [Simon Bar Sinister] Once Underdog is out of the way, Cad,
I'll RULE THE WORLD!
> A man dressed entirely in black was setting
>up a high-powered rifle.
Tom: Will Smith finally snaps.
> He was going to assassinate Gov. Nagai!
>
Crow: Or he really wanted to get rid of his cockroaches.
Mike: Was he dressed like a Klingon?
Tom: Please, no Star Trek 6 references.
>Quickly, Tetsuo ran to a nearby alley. He raised his hands as in
>supplication to the sun.
>
Mike: And was instantly smited.
>"Amaterasu-Omikami, give thee thy mortal servant the power of the
>Solar Warrior!," he shouted.
>
Mike: Hello! And thank you for calling the Sun's Customer Service
Hotline! For information on your account balance, press 1!
To complain about an eclipse, press 2! For endowment of
superpowers, press 3!
>Instantly it seemed that Tetsuo was engulfed in flames,
Tom: And, in fact, he was!
> and a
>transformation took place.
Crow: Tetsuo had become a busty blonde in a tight leather skirt.
[Mike & Tom look at him funny]
Crow: What?!?
> He emerged in red robotic armor with
>a yellow sunburst on the chest. He leapt up to the balcony.
>
Mike: And promptly fell off.
>"Miscreant!," he yelled;
Tom: Bang!
> "Stop where you are!
Tom: Bang!
> I am the Solar
>Warrior, servant to Amaterasu-Omikami, Goddess of the Sun!
Tom: Bang! Bang! Bang!
> In
>the name of the Sun, you will be judged!"
Tom: Bang! Blast! I need to reload.
Mike: Keep firing. You'll hit something eventually.
>
>The assassin growled and fired, but the bullets ricocheted off
>the armor.
>
Mike: Slaying 14 innocent bystanders.
>The Solar Warrior then yelled, "SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE ATTACK!"
Mike: Man, I wish there were more mute superheroes in Japan.
Tom: Yeah, more mute, less *dumb*.
>
>Two discs, one on each gauntlet, glowed, then discharged. The
>assassin was incinerated.
>
Crow: Okay, it might have been nice to interrogate him and
find out who the assassin was working for, but, hey,
burning him is cool too.
>The crowd saw what happened.
Tom: So they can all see the balcony, but no one saw the
assassin setting up. But Tetsuo the Iron Man -
Mike: Solar Warrior.
Tom: Whatever. Tetsuo spots him no problem?
Crow: You're looking for sense in the wrong place, Tommy Boy.
> They had just realized that this
>mystery hero had just saved Gov. Nagai from certain death.
Tom: Well, he's still gonna die; just not *now*.
> The
>Solar Warrior disappeared, leaving a cheering crowd shouting
>"BANZAI!" behind.
>
Mike: [random person] Is he gone?
Tom: [random person] Uh....yup.
All: BANZAI!!!!
>"Find this person," Gov. Nagai said to one of his aides. "I
>might have a position for him in my campaign."
>
Mike: [Nagai] I think I've just found my new Secretary of Roasting
Potential Assassins Alive!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Ami was just finishing packing up for her trip. In just three
>days, she was off to Berlin.
>
Tom: [Ami] It will be so strange, going to a country so much
freer with its emotions. Thankfully, that good German beer
will loosen me up a bit.
>"Think you might want this, Honey?," a voice said as it entered
>the room.
Mike: [Ami] Sure, disembodied voice!
> It was Ami's mother.
>
Tom: Oh!
Crow: It must be tough, just having a voice for a mom.
>Ami turned around and saw her old teddy bear.
>
Crow: So her mom is a teddy bear with a disembodied voice?
Man, and folks think "X-Files" is weird!
Mike: Awww! That looks like my old, teddy, Mr. Disemboweler.
[The bots stare at Mike.]
>"Mom, I don't need that teddy bear," said an embarrassed Ami;
>"Really!"
>
Mike: Yes, there comes a time in every child's life when they
must put their parents in the toy box with the blocks
and jump ropes.
>"It was always your good luck charm," continued her mother.
"I
>want you to do well over there in Germany. I want you to make
>your father and me proud.
Tom: [Mom] Otherwise, you're out of the will.
> I can't believe you're going away in
>three days."
>
>"I'll miss you, Mom," said Ami, "but I'll e-mail you and all
my
>friends and family every week. I promise."
>
Crow: [Ami] I've got tons of chain letters I haven't forwarded yet.
>Ami finished packing., then said, "I'd better get to bed."
>
Crow: [Mom] But dear, it's only 8 am.....
>"Good night, Ami," her mother said. Ami then took off her
>clothes and her bra.
All: YAAGH!
Mike: I hope her mom left first.
Crow: Are you guys having "Soultaker" flashbacks too?
All: Uh huh.
> She stood next to the open window and felt
>the cool evening wind against her face and breasts.
Mike: Ahem!
Tom: Another creepy moment of unfocused desire, brought to
you by Fanfiction, Ltd.
> It felt so
>good after such a hot late summer's day. She stood like that for
>a few minutes,
Tom: Letting the aforementioned Peeping Toms get a good look...
> then slipped on her nightshirt, a football jersey-
>looking blue shirt with a white "15" on it, and went to bed.
>
Mike: Well if you're gonna let the neighborhood look, I guess a
looking shirt is what you'd wear.
>Mizuno Ami didn't know then what Hell she was going to go
>through.
>
Tom: [Karl Malden] But she knew when she got there, her
American Express Traveler's Checks would be accepted
like cash!
Mike: Let's take a little break here - we've been through
enough Hell for the time being.
[All leave]
[* . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The Bridge]
[Mike and Tom are playing "Settlers of Cataan". Mike rolls
the dice.]
Mike: OK, that's a 6, so I get a sheep.
Tom: Huh. Neat!
[Crow edges into the shot. He's wearing a stupid-looking
seirafuku.]
Crow: Hey guys.
[Both look at Crow. They don't seem to care very much.]
Tom: [dully] Hey Crow. [indicating dice] Mike?
Mike: Sure. [rolls for Tom] OK, 10, so you get two sheep.
Crow: [as if asked] Well it's funny you should ask! I was
walking down the hydroponics bay, when who should I meet
but the magic cat from the Sailor Moon show!
[Mike and Tom are not engaging him. Mike rolls the dice.]
Mike: Hey, cool! We both get sheep!
Crow: No, it's true! And since one of the senshi is pursuing
a career in refrigerator repair at DeVries, she made me
a Sailor Senshi!
Tom: Right, Crow. So, you're, what? Sailor Io, Sailor Van
Allen Belt?
Crow: Turns out, I'm Sailor Dark Matter! I make up 98% of the
mass of the universe, but the cool part is I may not even
exist!
Mike: Uh-huh. And the magic cat?
Crow: Oh. Um, well, she got kind of hissy afterwards, and said
she was gonna bite the next person she met? And then she
turned invisible. So... don't look for her.
Mike: Right.
[Mike rolls the dice.]
Mike: Huh. Well that's stone.
Tom: And how many sheep we get for that?
Mike: None.
Tom: Seems kinda pointless, Mike.
Mike: You're right. Better re-roll.
Crow: So! Any superheroing you guys need doing?
Mike: Hmm... nope. Don't think so.
Tom: Well there is that mess of broken crates that needs to be
cleared from Pod Bay Three, Mike.
Mike: Oh, right. And the hydraulic system on the port side
could use a change-out.
Crow: [deflated] Oh. Well... actually, I could? But there's
this thing, where superheroes can't personally profit
from their powers?
Mike: Oop! Say no more!
Crow: And since I live here and all...
Mike: No no! Not another word! I wouldn't want you violating
your code! Now whose turn is it?
[Suddenly we hear a *PING!*, and a five-foot pile of blue jello
with a single eye and three tentacles pops onto the bridge.]
Mike & Tom: Yah!
Crow: [in terror] Mommy!
[Crow dives beneath the desk. The Alien (voice by Kevin Murphy)
speaks.]
Alien: I am Proton! Ruler of the planet Proton! I come to
challenge your bravest superhero in mortal combat! That
means- to the death!
Tom: Well hey! Talk about timing!
[Crow pops back up, without the costume.]
Crow: Hi again! The invisible magic cat said they needed to
lower headcount by offering an early retirement package?
So I'm not a Senshi anymore.
Alien: Damn! Don't suppose she's still here?
Crow: Um... she... had to get to the home office. In Utica.
Alien: I'm there!
[The alien pops back out with another
beat.]
Crow: [approaching game] So can I get in?
Tom: Sure!
Mike: We'll start over.
[Buzzers flash. All start running.]
Mike: Oh, no, we got MISERY SIGN!!!
Crow: Don't trip on the invisible cat!
[Mike trips.]
Invisible Cat: ROOOWR!
Mike: D'oh!
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[All re-enter]
Mike: So much for your Sailor career, Crow.
Crow: It's a shame too. Those Senshi have a kicking
401k program.
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 3: Enter Sailor Misery Chick
>
Tom: Exit Servo Miserable Tom.
[Tom gets up to leave, Mike restrains him.]
Mike: Forget it, Tom.
>The mansion that Ami was living in was pretty spacious, by
>Japanese standards.
Crow: So, it's about the size of the average Midwestern garage then?
Mike: It's still bigger than any apartment in New York City.
> Ami woke up, flung off her nightshirt, and
>took a good look at herself in the mirror.
Mike: [Ami] Hmm...that's an interesting rash.
> For an egghead, she
>had quite an attractive body,
Tom: Rather a shapely shell on that egghead.
Crow: Quit yolking around, Tom.
Mike: You guys are going to do that ova and ova, aren't you?
> even if she was small-breasted.
Tom: The whole fic's going to be like this, isn't it, Mike?
Mike: I think we're gonna have to strap in for the long haul.
>Daria had settled in the next room, which was used as a guest
>room. Ami took off her panties,
Mike: YAAGH!
Crow: Ah! Starting her day off with a full frontal shot!
Smart lass!
Tom: Yes, now she'll have the energy for a full day of nude!
> put on her robe, and went to the
>bathroom.
>
Mike: Please, please, please. Spare us the details of what goes
on in there.
>As she was soaping herself up in the shower, Ami thought about
>everything that had gone on for the past five years or so.
Mike: Yeah, she remembered all the reused transformation sequences,
all of Usagi's speeches, all of Mamoru's inspirational words....
Crow: [Ami] Thank god I'm getting out of here while I still can.....
> It
>had it horrifying moments as well as its triumphs, but now it
>seemed she was going to put this behind her for at least the next
>four years or so.
Tom: Oh, come on. Just shoot her already. We know this bit.
Crow: Yup. Superheroes retiring just means they're about to meet
the *really* dangerous villain.
Mike: It's all just plot shorthand for, "With awesome power comes
awesome responsibility".
> As she stepped out of the shower again, she
>looked at herself again.
Crow: [Ami] Hmmm... maybe I'll get these enlarged while I'm in
Germany...
> Maybe Minako was right: she should cut
>loose once in a while.
All: Whooohooo!
> Maybe before she leaves, she should go
>out with some guy; she had a new blouse and miniskirt combo that
>she was dying to try out.
Tom: Or maybe she'll just get plastered and stalk Leonardo
DiCaprio.
> As she put her robe on again and
>stepped out of the bathroom, Daria was waiting to enter.
Crow: [Daria] UP YOURS! Oops, sorry. Thought you were the cat.
> She
>looked beady-eyed without her eyeglasses, and was wearing a T-
>shirt and shorts as nightwear.
>
Crow: She forgot her glasses? Uh oh!
Tom: I sense a Mr. Magoo moment about to happen...
>"Had a good sleep, Daria?," Ami asked.
>
>"OK, but I still have major jet lag," replied Daria.
>
Mike: [commercial] Major Jetlag, and the Major Jetlag Action
Team Playset!
Tom: [quickly] Dolls sold separately.
>"You'll get used to it," answered Ami;
Crow: [Ami] I've been jet-lagged for years, but I still lead a
useful, productive life.
> "By the way, I hope you
>adjusted your watch properly; remember, Japan does not observe
>Daylight Savings Time like you do back in the United States."
>
Tom: [Daria] Japanese Freaks.
>"So I've heard," said Daria. "When do we leave for our first
>class?"
>
Crow: [Daria] I wanna practice my witty rejoinders.
>"Soon," was Ami's reply. "And I hope you will wear the
seifuku I
>gave you; it's our school uniform."
>
Crow: You see, Mike. The Japanese are huge fans of Donald Duck
so they have their schoolkids dress up like him.
Tom: Except the kids wear pants. Short ones, of course.
Mike: Thanks. I think my knowledge of Japanese culture is now
complete.
>"I still say it looks stupid on me," shot back Daria.
>
Mike: [Daria] It doesn't have nearly enough black on it!
>Ami asked her, "Daria, do you actually wear those army fatigues,
>black skirt and combat boots to school back home?"
>
Crow: Army fatigues? It's just a dark green blouse, for heaven's sake.
Tom: Yeah! I mean, when Mike's wearing his red jump suit, do we ask,
"Hey Mike, is it Lobster Appreciation Day or something?"
Mike: Yes. Every time, in fact.
Tom: Oh. I didn't think you noticed.
>"Yes, I do," Daria said.
Crow: [Daria] Every day! Apparently they're the only clothes they
know how to animate.
> "It sends a message."
>
>"What message is that?," Ami wanted to know.
>
Tom: "Shop Chuck's Army-Navy Surplus and get a 15% discount".
>Daria replied, "That I may be feminine, but I'm also tough as
>nails."
>
Crow: I like Tom's better.
Mike: Me too.
>"If you ever go out on the town," Ami continued, "there's
some
>very good drop-dead minidresses I have that would look very good
>on you.
Mike: [Daria] Are they black leather with metal studs? Well, they
better go with army boots...
> And, by the way, have you ever considered wearing
>contact lenses?"
>
Crow: Ami must not have seen that episode.
>"Too much trouble keeping them clean," replied Daria.
>
>"Other than that, you do look beautiful," replied Ami admiringly.
>
Mike: This is turning into the setup for a Springer episode...
Crow: Smart Sailor Senshi and the women they love, next on Springer.
>"Thanks;" said a surprised Daria; "it's not everyday
somebody
>says that about me.
Crow: [Daria] It's not everyday anyone says *anything* to me.
I'm so very, very lonely, Ami!
> They usually call me 'The Misery Chick.'"
>
Mike: [Daria] Which is weird, because I don't look a thing like
Kathy Bates, y'know?
>"Well, I guess we'd better get the lead out and get dressed for
>school," stated Ami.
>
Mike: [Ami] I wanna see which mecha B-ko uses today!
>"Right," responded Daria. "I hope you didn't use all the hot
>water."
>
Mike: Use it? No. I showed it a very good time, and we parted
friends.
>"There should be some left," said Ami, somehow unsure of herself.
>
Tom: Well, she better not raise her hand then.
>However, as Daria began to use the shower, she was greeted with a
>blast of Arctic-cold water. "That's the story of my life," she
>said.
>
Crow: She uses a banal allegory! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>As they arrived for their first class, Ami and Daria noticed that
>Usagi was going to be late again.
>
Mike: Daria can't really notice she's late *again*. It's her first
class.
>"What else is new," sneered Osaka Naru, whose mother ran a
>jewelry store.
Crow: She must not have any hair.
Tom: That's cool. Gotta dig the bald chicks.
> "Usagi is always late. She's like that school
>girl Magami Eiko on 'Project A-ko'.
Tom: Ah, the Japanese A-Team, starring Pat Morita as Hannibal!
> She always wakes up late for
>school, rushes like a maniac and still winds up being late for
>her first class.
Crow: [Osaka] Even being splashed with all those electrified
chemicals by that lightning bolt didn't help!.
> If only she had superhuman strength, superhuman
>speed and had Kotobuki Shiko in tow, as well as long-flowing red
>hair, the image would be perfect."
>
Mike: Hey, now *there's* a sentence no one's used before.
Crow: If only I was anime fanbot, it might elicit a chuckle.
>"I've seen every film in that series," boasted Umino Gurio, the
>geeky guy who was Naru's boyfriend. "A-ko, B-ko and C-ko are
>real funny!"
>
Mike: [Gurio] Of course, I am also easily distracted by
shiny... oooh! Is that a nickel?
>"And you must be 'The Upchuck of Japan!,'" sneered Daria.
>
Mike: It's the Upchuck from Japan vs. the Upchuck from America
in a brutal battle to determine the Upchuck of Tomorrow!
Crow: I'll get the sawdust....
>"What's an 'Upchuck?,'" Gurio asked.
>
Tom: Something I'm going to do when I get out of the theater.
Crow: And what's Japan? Or Vietnam, for that matter.
>"Nevermind," replied Daria.
>
Tom: [Guiro] Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hell no!
>Ms. Sakurada Haruna, who was the English teacher, stepped in the
>room. She noticed that it was time to start class.
>
Crow: So she quickly downed a sedative and said....
>"Oh, that Usagi's going to be late again, as usual, I see," began
>Ms. Sakurada. "Well, that hasn't stopped me before.
Mike: [teacher] But today is a new day, perhaps it will stop
me now. Would that not be something, Ami, for it to stop
me now after so many times when it could have and did
not, hmm?
> Shall we
>begin class?
Tom: [kid] You want permission? Well... no?
> We've got a new student here today who will take
>Ami's place after she leaves for her medical studies in Germany.
>Care to introduce yourself?"
>
Mike: Nah, we already did that in the theme song....
>Daria stepped up to the front of the room.
>
Crow: [Daria] Hello, I'm Daria....and I'm an alcoholic.
All: Hi Daria!
>"My name's Daria Morgendorffer," she began. "I'm from
Lawndale
>High School on a foreign exchange program.
Tom: Okay, so Daria's going from the US to Japan.
Mike: Yeah.
Tom: And Ami's going from Japan to Germany.
Mike: Yeah.
Tom: So who does America get?
Mike: I'm guessing that Dieter and his monkey will be showing
up in Lawndale soon...
> I hope that I will do
>well in your school and not be treated like an outcast like I am
>back home."
Crow: Well, you're off to a good start.
> She bowed and resumed her seat.
>
Tom: [Japanese] Hwah? Look at that, she did not apologize or
beg our pardon or excuse herself profusely!
All: [same] SHA-A-A-AME!
>"Well, that was short and sweet," Ms. Sakurada responded.
Crow: Sounded kinda bitter to me.
>Suddenly, Usagi bolted into the room.
>
Tom: [Usagi] Say Jerry, I have a great idea. A perfume that
smells like the ocean!
>"Sorry I'm late, Ms. S! The bus was late!," was Usagi's rather
>pathetic reply.
>
Mike: [Alex Trebek] Ooh, I'm sorry but that is incorrect.
>"Usagi, you are so pathetic," shot back Ms. Sakurada.
Mike: Hence, the previous descriptor.
Tom: Oh, what a *great* teacher.
Crow: Geez, no wonder Usagi's always late.
> "You will
>wait outside in the hallway until class is over, then you and I
>are going to have a little talk in my office, young lady!"
>
Crow: [Usagi] You have an office?
Tom: [Sakurada] Er, no. Just go and wait in my Pinto then,
you little.....
>"Does this happen every time?," Daria asked Ami.
>
>"I'm afraid so," Ami answered.
>
Crow: [Ami] After all, it's their characterization.
Tom: I'm confused. Are they all speaking English? If so,
their English must pretty good, what with all the
colloquial expressions and all. If not, when did
Daria become fluent in Japanese?
Mike: Your point?
Tom: Ummm. None, really.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Later that day, school had let out for the day. All of the
>Sailor Senshi were going down the street, chatting girl talk.
>
Tom: [Rei] So, I said to Madge, I says....
Crow: [Minako] And then she says, you're soaking in it!
Mike: [Usagi] Guyyyy.....
>"So, Ami, do you want a big going-away party before you leave, or
>what?," Usagi asked.
>
Crow: [Usagi] Maybe we'll invite that hermaphrodite chap again!
>"Usagi, please don't make a big deal about it," pleaded Ami;
>"I'll get a chance to see you during such times as inter-semester
>breaks, holidays and such.
Mike: As long as you clear it with my lawyers first.
> Besides, I've never felt comfortable
>about going-away parties."
>
Mike: [Ami] They give me gas!
>"How do you feel about having the type of party like we have back
>home in the United States?," Daria asked.
Crow: [Daria] The sort where you stare at me and ask who invited
*her*?
> "I guess you've heard
>about the types of parties high school kids have on Friday and
>Saturday nights."
>
>"What do you mean?," Ami asked.
>
Crow: [Daria] How the hell should I know? I've never been to one.
>Daria began her description:
>
>"Stale potato chips, warm beer, flat soda, loud heavy metal
>music, guys and gals making out--"
>
Mike: How much do you want to bet that a certain person never
got invited to those types of parties?
Crow: Heck, neither did our authors. Heh, heh...
[Crow's giggling abruptly ends as his chair malfunctions and
catapults him into the far wall. Crow shakily crawls back
into frame.]
Crow: I think we need to get that chair fixed.
>"DON'T GO ON!," shrieked an embarrassed Ami.
>
Crow: Geez. The Amish are less reserved than Ami.
>"Ami, your cheeks are blushing!," giggled Hotaru.
>
Tom: [Hotaru] Tee hee, how awkward!
>"They are not!," roared Ami.
>
>Just then, shots were heard at a nearby Mitsubishi Bank branch,
>and two armed robbers were running at full speed.
Crow: Thank you plot device!
> When they got
>near the building, they saw that a security officer was shot to
>death.
>
Mike: Well, people very rarely get shot to life.
>"This looks like a job for the Sailor Senshi!," Usagi exclaimed.
>
Tom: [Usagi] So go get 'em guys!
>The Sailor Senshi began their transformation sequences:
>
Tom: Instead of calling the police, like any normal person.
>"ETERNAL MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>
Bots: MAKE-UP!
[A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face]
>"SUPER CHIBI-MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>
Bots: MAKE-UP!
[A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face]
>"SUPER MARS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>
Bots: MAKE-UP!
[A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face]
>"SUPER JUPITER STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>
Bots: MAKE-
Mike: *cough* *cough* Geez, okay, enough with the corny old
jokes!
>"SUPER VENUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>
Mike: How'd you manage to do that?
Tom: We got one of the Nanites to help.
Crow: Yeah, Shecky's always up for a good cheap laugh.
>"SUPER SATURN STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>
Crow: Can't one of them just say "ibid"?
>"SUPER URANUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>
Tom: [father] You two *make up* and quiet down or so help me
I will stop this car!
>"SUPER NEPTUNE STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>
Mike: Gah! How many of these people are there?
Crow: 47.
Tom: When you hear Sailor Krankor, we're near the end.
>"SUPER PLUTO STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>
Mike: Meanwhile the robbers have hopped in their cars, driven twenty
miles away, buried the loot, gotten plastic surgery...
>Each Sailor Senshi had underwent her transformation; now it was
>Daria's turn.
>
Crow: [Daria, monotone] super duper lawndale something something.
Tom: [Daria] I'm not much of a make-up person.
>"Here goes nothing!," she said.
Tom: [Daria] STARBUCK'S COFFEE GROUSING POWER, FREAK OUT!
> "SUPER MERCURY STAR POWER, MAKE-
>UP!"
>
>Daria was soon transformed into Sailor Mercury.
>
Crow: Soon. Next Tuesday, maybe.
>"Daria, activate your VR equipment and track down the robbers,"
Mike: [Ami] Then there's this cool program I've got involving
Brad Pitt and a llama...
>Ami instructed. A blue visor appeared on Daria. She was soon
>getting a reading.
>
Crow: You'll be moving to Florida soon.
Tom: How did you know that?!? I'm convinced!
Mike: Call Daria's Super Psychic Sailor Senshi Hotline today!
>"They went that way," Daria said.
>
Tom: [Daria] We'll just follow the blood trail!
>"All right, then, let's move it!", said Sailor Moon, who was in
>her Eternal Mode, with wings.
Mike: She has more absorption that way.
> She flew ahead of them.
>
Crow: Yeah, great. Remember, Usagi, fly real close to the sun!
And drink plenty of wholesome nutritious malt liquor before
takeoff next time!
>The robbers, meanwhile, had a couple of Tokyo Metropolitan Police
>Department officers on their tail.
>
Mike: Steve Guttenberg and Bubba Smith in "Police Academy X:
Tokyo Beat"!
>"Halt, in the name of the law!," one of the officers roared.
>
Tom: [cop] Um, wait! That's so autocratic. Halt, because it's
in both your long-term and near-term interests!
>"Eat lead, copper!," roared one of the crooks back.
Crow: Eat chromium, potassium!
Tom: Eat magnesium, palladium!
Mike: Eat calcium, phosphorus!
> He took a
>gun and shot the cop down.
Tom: That would be the gun he was carrying earlier, right?
Mike: Could be.
> The other cop went to help him. He
>took his portable radio and said, "Officer down! Officer down!"
>
Mike: [Cartman] We got Charlies, up in the trees!
>"You're next, blue pig!,"
Tom: When you start seeing pink elephants and blue pigs, it's
time to take the pledge.
> said the other crook as he put his .45
>Magnum against his temple.
>
Mike: Wouldn't it be more effective if he put the gun to the
police officer's temple?
>"Hold it right there, crooks!," said a nearby voice.
Tom: Bang!
Crow: [Usagi] Oh, blast.
> "I am the
>pretty soldier Eternal Sailor Moon, champion of love and justice.
All: [Senshi] AHEM.
>And these are the Sailor Senshi.
All: [Senshi] Thank you.
> In place of the Moon, we will
>punish you!"
>
Crow: Oh, isn't the moon *lucky* to have a little *kiss-up* do
its dirty work!
>Each of the other Sailor Senshi made her introductory speeches as
>well.
Tom: Unfortunately, none were good enough to go onto the finals.
> It was now time for Daria to make hers:
>
Mike: [Daria] UP YOURS!
>"I am Sailor Mercury, Misery Chick of Justice! In the name of
>Mercury, I'm going to nag you to death!"
>
Mike: Oh crap, Daria just turned into my mom.
Tom: Ewww.....
Crow: [Woody Allen] So, there I was, in the middle of downtown
Tokyo, and all of a sudden, this little girl appeared,
and she was channeling the spirit of my mother. She was
kind of cute too...
>"What the Hell. . ." Sailor Moon found herself saying.
>
Crow: I know just how she feels.
>But there was no time to waste.
>
Mike: They used it all making speeches.
>"Eat lead, Sailor Senshi!," yelled the first crook.
>
Mike: What is this? 1920s Chicago?
Tom: It's the Edward G. Robinson gang!
Crow: Yah, see! Nobody takes Mugsy alive! Nobody!
>Just then, a red rose dart hit the ground.
>
Mike: Oh, looks like they interrupted a game of lawn darts.
>"You shoot, and it will be the last thing you ever do," Tuxedo
>Mask said as he stepped out of the shadows.
>
Crow: Well, he does have the gun pointed at his own head...
>"Here comes the calvary!," Daria said sarcastically.
>
Tom: How'd they get to Golgotha all of a sudden?
>Recently, the Sailor Senshi had been given some new powers, and
>now they were going to be put to the test.
>
Mike: So this encounter is like the Persian Gulf was for
the US.
Crow: Test new weapons on easy targets?
Mike: Bingo!
>Sailor Moon was going to be first. She yelled, "MOON THUNDER
>PUNCH!" With that, she threw her fist,
Mike: It detaches?
> and it knocked both
>crooks off their feet.
>
Mike: See, the best thing about these people is that they
always announce what they're going to do before they
do it. Very polite and considerate of them.
Crow: [crooks] Wait! Time out! We weren't ready! Mulligan!
>Sailor Venus was next.
Tom: Though you couldn't see her due to her dense cloud layer.
> "SUPER VENUS BLINDSIDER ATTACK!," she
>screamed. With that a blinding light issued from her hands,
>temporarily blinding the crooks.
>
Crow: SUPER SOL FANCTION DESTRUCTO RAY!
Tom: AWESOME WISCONSIN CHEESE ERASER!
Mike: Nice try guys, but it's still here.
>Daria was still new at this, so she decided to use one of Sailor
>Mercury's old powers.
Tom: Thankfully she didn't lose the manual that came
with the suit.
Mike: Greatest Japanese Heroine?
Tom: That's the one.
> She shouted, "SHABON SPRAY. . .FREEZING!"
>The crooks were frozen solid.
>
>"Hmmm, just like in 'Duke Nukem 3D'!," she quipped.
Tom: No strippers though.
> Then, she
>went up to them, and kicked them. They shattered into little
>pieces.
>
[Everybody winces]
Mike: I think that counts as excessive force...
>"Your face, your ass, what's the difference!," she sneered.
>
Tom: Wow! They must be *really* ugly crooks!
>The rest of the Sailor Senshi stood in disbelief, with their
>mouths wide open.
>
Mike: She kills without mercy! o/~La la, LA-la, la! o/~
Tom: So Daria turns out to be a homicidal manic-depressive
Sailor Senshi?
Mike: Apparently.
Crow: I have a theory.
Mike: Proceed
Crow: [clears throat] _Ahem_ In this fanfic, the author might
be living out his fantasies vicariously through Daria.
Witness: She is regarded as being attractive by her peers,
everyone thinks she is funny and intelligent, and she gets
time off school to go to Japan and hang around the Sailor
Senshi.
Tom: Huh.
Crow: Oh, and someone plays Duke Nukem.
Mike: I think we need a break.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
Tom: Too late! Line sign!
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Later, back at Sendai Hill Shrine, Daria was being reprimanded
>for her actions.
>
Crow: And now the House Impeachment Managers have entered the
picture.
>"Daria," Usagi began, "what you did was highly
inappropriate!
>Sailor Senshi don't act that way!"
>
Mike: Yeah, isn't Usagi the only one that gives speeches?
Crow: [Usagi] We only kill for Love and Justice, not cheap
comedic effect.
>"Usagi's right," Luna added. "You have to stop acting
>sarcastically!
Tom: Why? It's the most potent weapon in this universe.
> You're just lucky the TMPD decided that the use
>of deadly force was justified in the case."
>
Mike: Oh yeah, the way those crooks stood there frozen solid
clearly constituted a threat to your health and well-being.
>"Next time, you may not be so lucky!," Artemis said.
>
Crow: If the Tokyo PD is anything like the ADP then she has
nothing to worry about.
>"You know," Daria replied, "all of you should go take a
hike!"
Mike: At least she didn't tell us "Up your nose with
a rubber hose." That would have been insulting.
>With that, Daria stormed away.
>
Crow: [Usagi] What about the hike? I know this nice wooded area
where we can get a great cardiovascular workout!
>"I'm beginning to think that Ami made a big mistake asking Daria
>to take her place, Luna," Usagi said.
>
Tom: Thank you Miss State-The-Obvious.
Crow: [Usagi] I'm also sensing hostility, Luna.
>"Right now, we're stuck with her," Luna replied;
Mike: Oh come on, there are 63 of you! You can go one short for
a week!
> "Ami's leaving
>for Germany the day after tomorrow, so there's nothing much else
>we can do for now."
>
Crow: Well, you could go the Crystal Knight route and use the
disguise pen on Minako....
Mike: [Mr. Peabody] Quiet you!
>"I just hope she can keep her temper in check, that's all," Usagi
>said resignedly.
>
Crow: [Usagi] We're just trying to be dull emotionless cogs in
the efficient machine press of society. Surely she can
see that is good!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Gov. Nagai was holding another rally, this time at the foot of
>Tokyo Tower.
Mike: [Japanese] Ah, yes, beneath Tokyo Tower is a very safe
place to be! Our movies teach us nothing if not that!
> Another huge crowd had gathered, and they were
>shouting "NAGAI! NAGAI! NAGAI!",
Crow: It sounds like Japanese for "DON'T!"
> awaiting for the arrival of
>the candidate.
>
Tom: o/~ Here she is, Miss America..... o/~
Mike: [man in crowd] Really? What a coincidence! I don't have
a life, either! What are the odds of that, hmm?
>In a nearby trailer, Gov. Nagai was speaking to the Solar
>Warrior, whom he managed to locate shortly after he saved his
>life.
>
Crow: Is this going to be another pointless scene ending with
people shouting "BANZAI!" ?
Tom: He must have a really crappy hideout if they found him
that quick.
>"Believe me, Solar Warrior," Gov. Nagai began, "I'm making a
>generous offer.
Tom: *Both* Skull Catapults for the Mox Pearl! You won't get
any better than that!
> Besides, if I'm elected and my proposal goes
>through, you could find yourself in a good position in
>government."
>
Crow: There *is* one?
>"My allegiance is with Amaterasu-Omikami," responded the Solar
>Warrior.
Mike: [Solar] Although I'll be a free agent at the end of the
'02 season.
> "I have served her for untold millennia, back when
>there was no Japan as we know it.
Tom: So, he went around judging trilobites?
Mike: Well, he did say 'untold millennia'....
> You must understand that I
>serve my goddess first, then my nation."
>
Mike: Then he serves the interests of Stop 'n' Go, Inc.
Tom: Actually, you should always serve from the left, and
the host goes last.
>"Of course," Gov. Nagai said. "The Americans have a saying
for
>that:
Crow: Bite me?
Mike: Give me liberty or give me death?
Tom: Frankie says, "Relax"?
> 'For God and Country.' Far be it from me to tell you to
>quit the employ of your mistress. All I'm asking is for you to
>head this agency I'm proposing.
Mike: [Nagai] There's a 401K plan and full Dental...
> If all goes well, we'll make the
>best law enforcement apparatus in the world even better."
>
Mike: They say if you build a better law enforcement apparatus
the world will beat a path to your door.
Crow: [looks at Mike, confused] They do?
>"Very well," said the Solar Warrior. "If it will serve to
>advance both my faith and my nation, so be it."
>
Tom: Sucker!
>"I'm glad to see we're at agreement," Gov. Nagai said, relieved.
>"Might as well tell my adoring public about this."
>
Crow: [Nagai] Hey guys! That freak with the Crock Pot on his
head's workin' for me now!
>Gov. Nagai, the Solar Warrior and the entire campaign staff
>stepped out of the trailer and onto the platform set up for the
>occasion.
Tom: Then the platform collapsed under their weight, killing
them all horribly and ending at least one miserably
pointless cul-de-sac in this story. The end.
> Stepping up to the podium, Gov. Nagai began to speak:
>
Mike: [Nagai] Pabulum! Pabulum. Hyperbole! Empty promises!
Pabulum.
>"My friends, I have someone here you may be familiar with.
Crow: Here he is, fresh from living La Vida Loca, Ricky Martin!
> This
>is the brave hero who stopped the assassin who was determined to
>end my life yesterday. He calls himself the Solar Warrior.
Mike: The assassin?
Crow: Nooooo.....
> I
>owe my life to this person, and there's only one way I can pay
>him back.
Mike: But since he doesn't want his weight in buttermilk
biscuits, I've given him a job instead!
> I've decided to name him as my chief of security
>during my campaign. He deserves this honor."
>
Crow: Oh? What did your former security chief deserve?
Mike: Let's not try to answer that question, guys.
Tom: Oh, but I have *so many* suggestions, Mike.
>"Further, I hereby announce that if I am elected,
Mike: [Nagai] I'll immediately place blame on him.
> one of the
>first things I plan to introduce in the Diet is a bill creating a
>new Agency of Superhuman Activity Co-Ordination.
Mike: I guess it will be headed by Astro City's Samaritan.
> Such an agency
>would help the various superhumans and superhuman groups work
>together with our local and national police forces to help stop
>some of the bigger threats to our well-being and safety.
Mike: [Old Lady] Oh, like that grunge look from Seattle?
Crow: They're finally going after Hanson?
> We
>already have one of the lowest crime rates in the world;
Tom: As can be seen by the cops getting blown away a few
pages ago.
> this
>will ensure that it stays that way."
>
Tom: [Nagai] Even if we have to kill every single criminal out there.
>The crowd cheered loudly. Shouts of "NAGAI!",
"BANZAI!",
Crow: Mai tai!
Mike: Illini!
Tom: And chicken pot pie!
> and
>"SOLAR WARRIOR!" filled the air as Gov. Nagai and the rest of his
>campaign staff--the Solar Warrior included--left for campaign
>headquarters.
>
Crow: I knew it! A pointless scene and screams of "BANZAI!"
Mike: Guys help me. I was just wishing this fanfic had some
of the simplicity of Mighty Jack.
Tom: There, there, Honey. It'll be over soon. I mean, it's
not like it'll last another 400 pages or anything.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Ryu had made his way to Azabu-ku,
Crow: North of Majin-Buu and Timbuktu.
> where his friend Mamoru lived
>in a rather well-appointed apartment.
Tom: Wow, guys! His apartment is well-appointed, just like
*Daria's* home was well-appointed! Isn't that something?
To despair about in morose anguish, I mean.
Mike: Oh yeah.
> He rang the doorbell and
>waited a few seconds.
>
Mike: [Ryu] One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three--
>"Ryu? What brings you here?," Mamoru asked.
>
Tom: [Mamoru] Oh damn, did I forget to open the door again?
>"Is there anyone else here with you?," Ryu responded.
>
>"No," said Mamoru.
>
Crow: [Mamoru] And despite the fact that I'm a bachelor with
a nice apartment and a great fashion sense, I'm still
not gay!
>"Good," Ryu replied as he stepped inside.
Crow: [Mamoru] No, really! I dig chicks!
Mike: [Ryu] I believe you. Now...
Crow: [Mamoru] Wow! Whatta looker! Hubba-hubba! Say, where did
you get that stylish tie...?
Mike: [Ryu] Shut up already!
> "What I have to tell
>you is not to leave this room.
Tom: Well, the foyer's not a room, technically...
> I am actually an agent for the
>Japanese Special Intelligence Bureau.
Mike: [Ryu] We're looking for a bunch of guys in rubber suits who've
been running around threatening to destroy Tokyo. They call
themselves the Toho Gang.
> I've been working on a
>special assignment in regard to the activities of an organization
>called the New Imperial Rule Assistance Association.
Crow: {Ryu] We think they're hoping to force a merger with the NFL.
> They're a
>extreme right-wing organization that wants to return Japan to its
>military-influenced wartime government. They plan to do so by
>stealing the prototype of the new Mitsubishi Neo-Zero Advanced
>Jet Fighter now being developed.
Mike: [Ryu] Are you getting any of this?
Crow: [Mamoru] Look, just because I have cats and live alone
doesn't mean anything about my sexual ori...
Mike: [Ryu] Look, one more outburst, and I'm going to Racer
X with this info, got it?
> They plan to use it to bomb
>Tokyo to rubble unless the civilian government hands over power
>to them. The SDF can't stop them alone, and neither can the
>JSIB.
Tom: And the CIA's too OD'ed on LSD!
> We were hoping that you can contact the Sailor Senshi for
>us; they may be our only hope."
>
Tom: [Mamoru] Well, we're doomed then.
>"How do I know that you're being on the level with me on this
>matter?," demanded Mamoru.
>
Crow: [gasping] You accuse a double agent of *lying*?!
>"Because the JSIB has extensive knowledge of the Sailor Senshi's
>activities," said Ryu. "We've got files on every member back to
>their earliest childhood.
Tom: [Ryu] We know all about the "Crayons in the VCR" incident!
> If you're think we're joking, take a
>look at this."
>
[Everybody gasps]
Mike: Oo, a handsomely embossed business card that says, "He's Not
Joking".
Tom: From a professional printer! He would not pay the $25 set-up
charge were he not serious!
>Ryu gave him a file with the name "CHIBA MAMORU" on it.
Bots: Chi-chi-chi-chiba!
> He
>opened it up and looked at it. Sure enough, all of it was there:
>pictures of his parents;
All: ACK!
Crow: [Ryu] Oh sorry, that's our file on Monica Lewinsky...hehehehe...
> of the car wreck that killed them; of
>his days at the orphanage; of his activities as Tuxedo Mask;
Mike: Of his midnight runs to the Stop-N-Slurp for copies of
"Tiger Beat".
> of
>his activities as Endymion when he was brainwashed to work for
>the Dark Kingdom;
Tom: Huh. More likely they waved a shiny button in his face.
**Go with a Dan Simmons ref here.
> of his activities as Moonlight Knight;
Crow: His point shaving schemes at UNLV...
Tom: His ties with the Mafia......
Mike: And his biggest shame: crossover fanfiction writing.
> of his
>recent mysterious disappearance during a flight to the United
>States.
Crow: And the fact that he later turned up wearing nothing but
a long red wig and a fishnet banana warmer.
Mike & Tom: Ewwww!
> It was all there.
>
Tom: [Mamoru] Oh wait! You left out my secret obsession with Brandi
Chastain!
Mike: [Ryu] Ah! So we did! (writes note in the file) Thanks Mamoru!
Most of our extortion targets aren't this cooperative.
>"How did you get these pictures?," demanded Mamoru.
>
Crow: A Nikon N70.
>Ryu replied, "We have our ways, Mamoru.
Mike: They involve chalupas, actually.
> I have Usagi's file here
>as well." He pulled it out and began perusing it. "Did you know
>that when she was in kindergarten,
Tom: She ate a lot of gravel?
> she dumped a cup of chocolate
>pudding on her best friend Osaka Naru because she called her a
>'dweeb'? Or that she can't stand carrots?
Crow: Oh, no! Not- *carrots*!
Mike: [weepy] She'll be blackballed out of all the best cram schools!
> Or that she's never
>really been able to figure you out?"
>
Tom: It's because Mamoru's the wind, baby!
>Mamoru said curtly, "Oh, and I bet you have her bra size in there
>as well?"
>
Crow: Sure. Heck, it's on her driver's license.
Mike: Bra size is the Japanese version of a Social Security number.
>"Not even worth mentioning," dismissed Ryu.
Crow: Oh, now *that's* really cold!
> "You see, Mamoru,
>we've got the goods on all of you.
Mike: This is so much more effective than asking nicely, or appealing
to their sense of duty.
> This is a serious matter
>we're talking about here. Now, we need to know if the Sailor
>Senshi are on our side or not?"
>
Crow: Geez. This thing has more sides than a Zocchihedron.
>"Very well, you win," said Mamoru resignedly. "We'll help
you in
>this matter.
Tom: [Mamoru, pouting] We'll save your stupid country! Big babies.
> But I want those files destroyed. If they ever
>fall in the wrong hands, it could compromise our identities."
>
Crow: He seems not to care that the government knows so much about
their private lives.....
>"Consider it done, my friend," replied Ryu. "We will contact
you
>when we feel that we need your assistance. Until then, take
>care."
>
Tom: [Ryu] Of course, it might be a while.....maybe never.
Oh well, seeya!
>Ryu left the apartment building, but he didn't take even five
>steps when he turned around.
Mike: [Ryu] Hell. I can't leave without coffee and a slice of
his famous lemon cake!
> Apparently, some NIRAA ninja spies
>had been following him;
Tom: What, they got it emblazoned on their chests?
Crow: Sure, they're masters of the art of stealth and secrecy, but
that doesn't mean they're not proud of their union.
> they were dressed in black and had katana
>blades, bo quarterstaffs, sais, nunchuckas and throwing stars.
>
Crow: All at once?
Tom: [Ninja] Hi there! Could I interest you in our large selection
of ninjitsu weaponry?
>"You traitor!," said the leader of the group. "We should
have
>suspected from the beginning that you were a double agent!
Mike: Then why didn't you kill him at the beginning? Sheesh....
> We'll
>put an end to your miserable existence at once!"
>
Tom: It's really too bad they'll lose.
Mike & Crow: Yeahhh......
>The ninja spies charged on him. Ryu stood his ground,
Crow: Holding his own.
> then
>launched into a roundhouse kick that sent two of them crashing to
>the ground.
Tom: Jackie Chan! ... would like to disassociate himself from this
scene.
> Three more fell to blows to their solar plexus, and
>two more fell to blows to the neck.
Crow: [ninja] Dagnabit Earl! We shoulda *thrown* some of these
throwing stars! I told you trying to make him swallow them
was a waste of effort!
> One more was left standing.
>He decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and ran.
>
Mike: [Ryu] Crud...I never learned how to take out _one_ guy....
Crow: The famous ninja cowardice in action.
>"Run like the coward you are!," Ryu shouted.
Mike: [ninja] Ha! Little does he know I am running like my
great coward hero, Egon from F-Troop!
> He decided to
>report this matter to Gen. Torymura at once.
>
Crow: [Ryu] Ayup, blackmailed Tux, insulted his girlfriend, killed
some ninjas, and inflated my ego...Whew, busy night.
Tom: Why didn't Mamoru hear them fighting? They were only five
steps away!
Mike: Shush...
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Back at Lawndale, the high school football team was holding a
>scrimmage.
Crow: Against the cheerleaders. And losing!
> The regular coach was sick with the flu, so Anthony
>DeMartino, the neurotic social studies teacher, was filling in
>for him.
>
Tom: Ah, the old "switch the coach with the most pyschotic
member of the faculty" trick. They're sure to win now!
Crow: [to Mike] I'd laugh but he's absolutely right.
>Mack was calling the next play:
>
Mike: [Mack] All right, we're doing "Our Town" on the 15th!
Tom: [calling signals] Life is different! Here in Grover's!
Corners corners *corners!*
>"34 red, 34 red, 45, 49, hike, hike!"
>
Tom: Never heard of that play....
Mike: Sondheim did that one.
>Kevin was fading back for a pass, but then fumbled the ball.
>Mack could only groan in disappointment.
>
Crow: No no no! Kevin, say your line: " I AM WILLY LOMAN, DAMMIT!".
*Then* fumble the ball!
**Change to reflect "Our Town"
>"Kevin," Mr. DeMartino said as his right eye bulged in anger,
>"for a star quarterback, sometimes you play pathetically!
Tom: I see a great future for you with the New York Giants!
Crow: Y'know, the word "pathetic" and its derivatives seem to pop
up a lot in this story. Just an observation.
> How
>are we going to win the big game Saturday against Highland if you
>keep fumbling the ball?"
>
Mike: [Kevin] All part of my master plan! The other team scores so
much, they go over a hundred, the scoreboard rolls over and
they're back at zero!
Crow: Ah. The dreaded "Y2K Play."
Tom: Very zen, Kevin.
>"Sorry, Mr. DeMartino," replied Kevin, "but I keep being
>distracted seeing Brittany practicing her jumps over there."
>
Tom: [Kevin] They're....um, she's.....what was the question again?
>Sure enough, Brittany was indeed practicing her jumps;
Crow: She goes up, she comes down. What's to practice?
> with the
>tight sweater she was wearing, her breasts were jiggling like
>crazy.
>
Crow: [singing] J-e-l-l-o.
>Up in the stands sat Jane, Quinn, Jane's brother Trent, Jodie and
>Upchuck;
Mike: The View!
> his real name was Charles Ruttheimer, but since he was
>so perverted and geeky, he was called Upchuck.
Tom: As "Geeky Perverted Boy" had already been taken.
> Quinn was
>expecting the other members of the Fashion Club to arrive
>shortly.
>
Mike: Soon, Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer and Tyra Banks
showed up, and a good time was had by all.
>"What a boring scrimmage!," Quinn started.
Tom: [Quinn] I have half a mind to leave and do something
interesting! Oh wait, this is Lawndale. Oh well! Who
wants a coke?
> "How are we going to
>win the game if we keep acting like a bunch of morons?"
>
Mike: Hey, it never stopped the Dallas Cowboys!
>Upchuck went up to Quinn and said, "Why don't we go back to my
>place and have our own scrimmage? ROWR!"
>
Crow: [Quinn] Sure! POLICE!!
>"Keep away from me, Upchuck!," shrieked Quinn.
>
Mike: The Days of Whine and Rose Bowls.
>"I see not all of the morons are out on the field," Jane
>retorted.
>
Tom: Look, some have formed Internet communities... they're posting
nude pictures of a Barbie Doll.
>"Man, I can't believe Daria won't be here for this game," Trent
>said.
Crow: [Trent] Too bad, 'cause Daria *really* loves football.
> "She never liked football, but she likes being here for
>the big game against Highland.
Tom: [Trent] Even though she just moved here this year... so she's
never *seen* us play Highland. Guess I started talking before
I knew what I was saying.
> She always likes to heckle Beavis
>and Butt-Head;
Mike: Oh come on! It's like yelling at bowling pins! It does
no good!
> it's the only time her two former classmates from
>Highland High School ever come to visit Lawndale every year.
>It's been that way since she moved here to Lawndale a couple of
>years back."
>
Mike: Unnecessary backstory accomplished!
>"Well, you know what they say, Trent," Jane said, "'Absence
makes
>the heart grow fonder.'"
>
Crow: I thought it was absinthe that made the heart grow fonder.
Tom: Ever tell you the one that ends, "Ad sense makes Jean
Harlowe ponder?"
Mike: No. And don't.
>"Tell me about it," Trent said with a sigh.
>
Crow: [Jane] I just did, pothead!
>"Oh, look, here comes the Fashion Club!," Quinn chirped.
Tom: [deeply] o/~ They're, too sexy for the plot, too sexy for
the plot. You watch them; I'm not! o/~
[Crow snickers.]
> Sandi,
>the club president,
Tom: Actually, that's SanDeE*.
> entered first followed by Stacy, the club
>secretary, and then Tiffany, the club treasurer.
>
Crow: They walk around in alphabetical order?
Mike: Heh.
Tom: I'm just surprised we didn't get a description of
their breasts.
>"Like, sorry we're late and all that," Sandi began to say,
Mike: Since when does Sandi apologize?
Tom: She'd would upbraid Quinn for being early!
> "but,
>like my cat pooped all over this outfit I'm wearing and I had to
>wash it up."
>
Mike: That has got to be the book definition of too much information.
Crow: And they say "Beavis and Butthead" is disgusting?
>"Stuff like that happens," Quinn said.
>
Tom: And thanks so much for sharing...
>"Hey, everything's all set for us to sell goodies at the game,"
>Stacy said. "Tiffany and I have baked up a whole batch of
>cookies, brownies, cupcakes, and so forth."
>
Crow: [Quinn] Did you remember to make the green brownies?
Mike: [Stacy] We did, but *somebody* ate them all!
Tom: [Tiffany] I ate one and it only made me hungrier....
>"But, UGH! I've got dishpan hands now!," whined Tiffany.
>
Crow: Mike, is a dishpan what you humans fry dishes in?
Mike: Oddly enough, no.
>"Like, just remember, Tiffany," Sandi said, "it's all for a
good
>cause:
Tom: [Sandi] Fattening up Upchuck before we butcher him like a
suckling pig.
> the Fashion Club."
>
>"Why don't they give it to charity like Student Government
>does?," Jodie asked Jane.
>
Tom: Because it wouldn't be a cliché then.
>"They are a charity case," replied Jane, "They all need new
>brains, new personalities and ego deflation!"
>
Tom: Touché.
Crow: [shocked] Jane, my *mother* has no brain, no personality,
and ego inflation. Pathological disorders are nothing to
laugh at!
>Jodie got a good snicker over that remark.
>
Tom: Mm, one of those King-Size bars with the peanuts and
caramel... (drools)
>Jesse Moreno, Trent's bandmate on the rock band Mystik Spiral,
Crow: And former competitor for Rick Springfield's girl...
>arrived.
>
Tom: Presto!
>"Trent, man, it's all set!," he said.
>
Mike: [Jesse] The beer bong's all set up!
Crow: [Trent] Great, now we just need Indiglo cds....
>"What's all set, Jesse?," asked Trent.
>
Tom: He better not be that MTV VJ.....
>Jesse continued, "We're gonna sing the national anthem at the big
>game.
Mike: I guess Rancid had a previous engagement.
> I just spoke to Ms. Li, the principal, and she's promised
>to pay us $1000 for the gig."
>
Tom: [Jesse] That's what 'pro bona' means right?
>"And just where is Ms. Li going to get $1000 from," Quinn said.
>"The expenses for this game have already gone over budget!"
>
Mike: And the markets tremble and plunge with the damning
testimony from Quinn "Alan Greenspan" Morgendorfer!
Tom: Why don't they just get the school marching band to
play the national anthem for free?
Mike: Hey, man, this is MYSTIK SPIRAL we're talking about here!
>"Yeah," Jane added, "and the last time this happened, the
Board
>of Education and the school superintendent reprimanded her big
>time for wasting taxpayers' money.
Tom: But seein' as how none of us pay taxes, screw it!
> We're just lucky Bob Schulz
>didn't show up and sue the school district!"
>
Mike: Why would the son of the guy who created Peanuts be
suing the district?
Crow: Probably because of Linus Van Pelt Elementary School,
and the Peppermint Patty School for Alternative
Lifestyles.
>"Hey, where she gets the bread from don't matter to me, man,"
>Trent said, "just as long as we get it."
>
Crow: Trent's a rebel, man! He won't truck with your hang-ups
or play by your rules!
>Meanwhile, another play was being run on the field.
Tom: Oh, no it's "Waiting for Godot"! And Godot is Highland's
blitzing linebacker!
> This time,
>Kevin made a perfect spiral pass.
Crow: Then he baked the perfect spiral ham.
> Mack snagged it and ran it
>down for a touchdown.
>
Crow: Wait, that's the wrong way!
Mike: He made a connection in the other direction.
Tom: Coach DeMartino's startin' shoutin' out, in-ter-jec-tions!
>"Now, that's what I like to see, people!," Mr. DeMartino said.
>
Mike: Next time we'll try it with the defense on the field!
>Brittany saw that and shouted "YEAH! GO, GO LAWNDALE!"
>
Crow: [DeMartino] Good job Brittany, keep it up!
Tom: She should be careful, she might get whiplash.
>Just then, Jane thought she heard some familiar laughter:
>
Crow: [Krankor] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Tom: [Jane] Oh, no! The Prozac was supposed to stop this!
>"HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!"
>
Tom: Woody Woodpecker?
>"UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!"
>
Mike: That sounds like the engine from a '72 Mustang.
>"Oh, no!," Jane said, "it can't be those two!"
>
Crow: It's Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger!
Mike: [Groaning] They're going to spend the entire football
game babbling about animal rights and Gingrich!
Tom: Well, I'll be at the beer stand...
>Sure enough, it was Beavis and Butt-Head.
Crow: Why the surprise? They were all they were talking about
a minute ago.
Tom: Mike? Any chance of you possibly killing me now and
sparing me the rest of this?
Mike: Nope. If I have to sit through it, so do you.
Tom: [muttering] Sadist!
> They went up in the
>stands.
>
Crow: Let's just hope the bleachers aren't made of 'wood'.
>"Uh, Quinn, where's your sister, Diarrhea?," Butt-Head asked.
>
Tom: She took some Pepto. Feels a lot better now!
>"Yeah, like we want to talk to her and stuff," Beavis added.
>
Mike: Ah, the dialogue in this section fairly sparkles.
>"Well, Daria isn't here today!," Quinn began; "she went over
to
>Japan on a foreign exchange program."
>
Mike: [Quinn] Don't ask what happened to the guy we exchanged
her for....
>"Man, that sucks!," Beavis answered.
>
Crow: [Beavis] We were going to attend a poetry slam!
>"Listen, you two," Jane said, "all because Daria isn't here
>doesn't mean you can go pick on Quinn at the game on Saturday.
Tom: [Jane] That's my job.
>If you do anything to her, I'll scratch your eyes out!"
>
Crow: Ooh, that's just so campy!
Mike: Pete seems to be confusing "Daria" with an "Itchy and
Scratchy" cartoon.
>"Uh, like is that a threat or a promise?," Butt-Head asked.
>
>Jane said rather icily, "BOTH!"
>
Tom: Mm, Heisenberg's theory states we can't know both at
the same time.
Mike: Yes, if the threat is known for certain, the "promise"
potential becomes a fuzzy, unknowable cloud.
>"WHOA!," Butt-Head said.>
>Beavis and Butt-Head sat down and watched a few plays. Kevin was
>once again fumbling the ball.
Tom: Huh. Maybe you should try his back-up, Jim Abbot, for a
few plays.
Crow: You know, if this were Japan, they'd just stick a tariff
on the opponents so they couldn't afford to score a
touchdown!
> After a while, those two got
>bored.
>
Mike: With the story or the game?
>"This scrimmage sucks!," Beavis said.
>
Mike: Oh.
Crow: Beavis knows the word "scrimmage"?
>"Uh, let's liven things up a bit, Beavis!," Butt-Head responded.
>
Tom: Thank you!
>They soon got out two brown paper bags they had taken with them
>and pulled out some firecrackers.
>
Mike: No, wait! They're *soda* crackers. My mistake.
Tom: They're just going to enjoy a sensible lunch including
a steaming Thermos of Campbell's Manhattan Clam Chowder!
>"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!," Jane roared.
>
Crow: [Beavis] Celebrating the Chinese New Year.
Tom: [Butthead] Yeah, we're exploring different cultures by
blowing stuff up!
>"Uh, like we're going to set off firecrackers and stuff!," Butt-
>Head said; "What do you think we were going to do, asswipe?"
>
Mike: Sweet merciful heavens! They're going to *do* something!
Crow: It will ruin the barren wasteland of the plot! Someone
stop them!
>They set off a whole string of them and tossed them onto the
>field. The whole team started to scatter.
>
Mike: Except for poor Benny, who had to play without a helmet.
Tom: Wow. Good throwin' arms on those boneheads. The coach
should sign'em up.
>"HEH-HEH-HEH! See me toss this big one out there, Butt-Head!,"
>Beavis said. He lit the fuse and tossed it out. It landed right
>on Kevin,
Crow: Who fumbled it!
Mike: No, I saw this cartoon. He passes it to Mack, whose eyes
get real big and buggy before the explosion!
> and it went off in his left eye.
Crow: Wow! Kevin Meany's mom was right!
Mike: Now all Kevin has to do is sue them, and Beavis and
Butthead will lose the house!
> Kevin collapsed in
>agony.
>
Mike: The defensive linemen start piling on, stickin' their
thumbs in the bad eye...
Tom: Now let's see - so far, Daria's murdered a couple of
crooks, and Beavis and Butthead have blinded a football
player. Thank you so *bloody* much, Pete!
>"KEVIN!," shrieked Brittany, who saw the whole thing go down.
>She then fainted.
>
Crow: Women always faint at the sight of football!
>Beavis and Butt-Head made good their escape while everyone was
>gathered around Kevin.
>
Tom: Beavis and Butt-head make good! There's a phrase no
one's ever said before!
>"Someone call 911, dammit!," shrieked Mr. DeMartino.
>
Mike: But isn't 911 a joke?
Tom: [Shatner] toNIGHT... aFANfic... goesoutofconTROL...
onREScue... NINE... ONE... ONE!
>Kevin was taken to Lawndale General Hospital.
Crow: Ooh! I scheduled my freshmen college classes around
that show!
> An examination
>revealed that most of the explosion was absorbed by his helmet,
Tom: His helmet was over his eye? No *wonder* he couldn't
throw worth a damn!
>and damage to his eye was negligible.
Tom: The rest of his face on the other hand...
> His vision checked out OK,
>but he was held overnight for observation, and released the next
>day.
>
Tom: Ooookayy. So. We have terrorists buying plane tickets
to Japan.
Mike: Check.
Tom: Ryu and Mumu double crossing the NRA.
Crow: Check
Tom: The NRA are planning to take over the Japanese
government by bombing Tokyo, but first they have
to steal a plane.
Mike: With you so far.
Tom: And that's the plane the old man was washing.
Crow: Roger Dodger.
Tom: And Daria joins the Sailor Scouts and goes on homicidal
rampage and Sailor Someone is going to become a German
pediatrician.
Mike: Right-o!
Tom: [takes a breath] And then there's the Lawndale Militia
who plan to take over a football game.
Crow: That's what my notes say.
Tom: And, correct me if I'm wrong, Beavis and Butt-head
show up and throw fireworks at football players for
no apparent reason.
Crow: Don't forget Nagai, Solar Warrior, Amidalla Orimori,
and the Soviets too.
Mike: Yup.
Tom: Wow. This isn't as complicated as I thought.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
> At the next meeting of the Lawndale Militia, Anthony Corlew
>brought up the matter of the firecracker attack at the scrimmage:
>
Mike: [Corlew] This is an obvious attempt by FEMA to cover up
their alien abductions! The time to act is now!
>"Fellow comrades in arms, this is just another reason why we need
>to take over Lawndale.
Tom: Our quarterback sucks!
Mike: [Corlew] It's the only way we'll ever get any of the really
boss fireworks!
> With our agenda of law and order, filth
>like Beavis and Butt-Head, as well as people of color and
>crippled folks, will be kept out of our community.
Mike: We will return to CNN's coverage of Pat Buchanan's
press conference right after this...
> We don't need
>white trash like those two ruining our town!
Crow: [Poindexter] Yeah, that's our job!
> When they return,
>we need to lynch them, to teach a lesson to Highland that we
>won't tolerate their shenanigans here in Lawndale!"
>
Crow: Minorities, Government and Shenanigans: Three enemies
to a better America.
>Those in attendance cheered the speech.
>
Mike: [Corlew] Thank you my brothers!
Tom: [militia] Screw you! We're cheerin' the *speech*!
Crow: [militia] Code words rock! Unsubstantiated
generalizations forever!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"I have failed you, Master!" With that, the only NIRAA ninja
Mike: NRA Ninjas?
Crow: [Charlton Heston] Remember, Katanas don't kill people -
ninja warriors kill people!
> who
>escaped from Ryu (the others had been arrested) committed seppuku
>in front of Dr. Vander Helffen.
Tom: [Helffen] Wait, not on my shoes! Ick....
> Dr. Vander Helffen ordered the
>body disposed of. Yoriko entered the room.
>
>"What was that all about?," she asked.
>
Crow: Oh, just another wacky day at the NIRAA.
>"Our attempt to kill Ryu failed," began Dr. Vander Helffen.
Mike: But on the bright side, your relationship with MadMan
Mimoto's Discount Ninja Burial Service has never been
stronger!
> "We
>sent some ninja spies to track him down, and he has alerted
>someone named Chiba Mamoru to our plans.
Tom: Apparently, the ninjas *were in the same room,
eavesdropping.*
Mike: They must have trained with the Judea Resistance Front.
> They were going to kill
>Ryu, but he was too strong for them. I want you to personally
>kill Ryu."
>
Mike: [Helffen] I'm sure a lone woman will succeed where
a dozen trained ninja failed!
>"Your orders will be obeyed, Dr. Vander Helffen," said Yoriko.
>
Crow: Why not just give the Patented Dr. Vedder Von Heffer
Immortality Pills to the ninja?
Mike: Well, sure, they're immortal, but that doesn't mean they
can't die.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Ryu had just returned to Gen Torymura and told him all about his
>meeting with Mamoru,
Tom: Just about the nicest guy you'd ever wanna blackmail!
> as well as the attack by the NIRAA ninja
>spies.
>
Tom: [General] So you ran away too, huh?
>"They're on to us; I was afraid they would," Gen. Torymura said.
Crow: [Torymura] Now we have to kill you. Nothing personal!
>"I'm going to order security tightened to the biggest extent
>possible immediately at the base where the prototype is being
>stored.
Mike: Uh...
Tom: Try not to think about it.
Mike: But he said 'the biggest extent possible'...
Tom: I know.
> When we do need the Sailor Senshi, they are to be
>briefed on this matter."
>
Crow: Uh, General, I'm not sure briefing them on how to ambush
their blackmailer is such a great idea.
>"Everything will be done as you have ordered, General," answered
>Ryu.
>
Crow: At least the scenes are getting shorter.
Mike: Wait a minute! The scenes are counting down! It's a
bomb!
Tom: Memo to self; remove ID4 from the entertainment center,
ASAP.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The day had arrived for Ami to leave for Germany.
Crow: Um, does anybody remember that the last time someone
started a German-Japanese friendship program, it caused
nothing but trouble?
> All the Sailor
>Senshi were with her at Narita Airport, as well as both her
>mother and her father.
Mike: And Steve Buscemi! Man, that guy's everywhere!
Tom: Narita! Narita! Two of the narrative threads might
actually meet!
Crow: Would it be too much to hope that Akbar blows them all
to Sailor Heaven?
>
>"Well, I guess this is it," Ami said.
>
Crow: [Ami] Seeya, suckers!
>"Ami, you'll always be in our hearts," Usagi began to say.
Mike: But then Phil Collins popped in to perform the song
for the Senshi.
> "When
>you do come back, you can always rejoin us. The door is always
>open."
>
Tom: Except when it's shut of course.
>"Here, take this," Rei said. "It's a special 'Safe Journey'
>charm.
Mike: See, it has Steve Perry's picture inside!
Tom: Open it, and it does the intro to "Separate Ways".
> I hope you have a safe flight."
>
Crow: [Ami] I'm sure it'll be fine. After all, I'm going by
ValueJet. What could go wrong?
>"I want you to make your mother and I very proud of you," said
>Ami's father.
Tom: [Dad] For if you don't, surely we will die of shame,
alone and without dignity in our cold, cramped apartment!
> "I always knew in my heart that you are a very
>intelligent young lady."
>
Crow: [Dad] 'Cept for that time you mistook the paste for cold
cream. Man, was that a long night.
Mike: Sheesh, this guy must have seen 'A Date With The
Family'...
>"As for you, Daria," Ami said, "Keep the home fires
burning."
>
Crow: [Daria] Light your houses on fire, gotcha.
>"Mom told me never to play with matches," Daria said.
>
[All stare at the screen for a beat.]
Crow: OK, which one of us said that?
Mike: I think Peter did.
Tom: Oh, shyah, Mike! Like he'd start being clever *now*.
>"Still with your sarcastic humor, I see," Usagi said.
>
Tom: [Daria] Yup! The fans expect it. You get used to it
after a while.
>"Ami, I hope you will be a success in your endeavors," Mamoru
>added. "We're all rooting for you."
>
Mike: [Mamoru, muttering] Ya big dumb Sailor Skeeve!
>Ami couldn't hold it back anymore.
Mike: She just had to kill somebody.
> The tears were beginning to
>flow.
>
Tom: Oh, you gonna cry, huh? C'mon, cry, baby! Cry!!!
>"I'm really going to miss you guys!," Ami sobbed, then hugged
>each of her friends and family.
Crow: [Ami] I do not know who in Germany I can feel superior to!
Tom: Well, drop by Oktoberfest! That should solve your problem.
> "I'd better get on board the
>plane now!"
>
Mike: Man, I never knew anime was so infatuated with airports!
Tom: Oh yeah. Your typical anime plane-boarding-scene-to-
action-sequence ratio will run about two-to-one.
'Cept for "Speed Racer", which was more like three-to-
one. Four when they were on.
>A chorus of "Farewell" followed her down the gate.
>
Crow: o/~ She'll be gone 'til November, she'll be gone
'til November... o/~
>"Good luck!," Usagi added.
>
Mike: [Usagi] Sorry about the face!
>Not noticed by anyone, Akbar el-Salaam had boarded the plane
>right behind Ami.
Tom: Maybe it's Akbar the salami?
> Since most of the nuclear device was plastic
>in composition (it even had a plastique primer),
Mike: Plus, he designed it so it showed up on the X-Ray machine
as a bottle of Pert Plus.
> he managed to
>scoot by security with that and some machine guns--also made
>mostly of plastic--with no problems.
>
Mike: Man, I can't get through airport security with my keys
in my pocket!
Tom: Wait a minute, what about the bullets?
Crow: Forget the bullets. Plutonium is a metal. Why didn't
the X-rays pick that up either?
Mike: No thinking. Just relax and let it wash over you.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Half an hour had passed on the flight.
Tom: The captain has turned off the "No Plot" sign. Feel free
to continue with- that is, start- the plot at any time!
> A flight attendant in one
>of the most revealing uniforms ever worn by such a person--it had
>a microminiskirt and the blazer, vest and shirt revealed a lot of
>cleavage--went up to Ami and asked her what she wanted for lunch.
>
Mike: Well, the cheesecake looks good...
>"What do you have?," replied Ami.
>
Mike: [Stewardess] About five more seconds to make this scene
interesting.
>The flight attendant answered, "We have yellow fin tuna or beef
>teriyaki."
>
Crow: And spam, for some reason.
>"UGH!," said Ami in disgust,
Crow: [Ami] I hate Japanese food!
> "I can't stand yellow fin tuna!
>I'll have the beef teriyaki."
>
Tom: Well actually that's just tuna with a brown sauce on top.
>The flight attendant went to the next seat and asked him what he
>wanted.
>
Mike: Well, I'm a bit bored. Can we liven this flight up a
little?
>Suddenly, Akbar leapt up, grabbed one of his machine guns and
>roared "ALLAH AKBAR! ALLAH AKBAR!
Crow: [stewardess] I'm sorry sir, all we have is tuna or beef.
> This is Islamic Jihad! We
>are seizing this plane in the name of Allah!
Mike: That'll work! Thank you, miss!
> You are to fly this
>plane to Lawndale, USA, or I will kill everyone aboard!"
>
Tom: Lawndale is *always* being targeted by terrorists.
>Screams of panic filled the plane. Ami now realized that she
>wasn't going to Germany today.
Mike: And most likely her meal would be delayed!
> And she had to be there to
>register for classes, or forfeit her tuition deposit.
Crow: Well, she has her priorities straight...
> But that
>was no longer a grave concern, not when death stared you in the
>face.
Mike: Actually, I think death sort of looks away quick when you
notice it's staring at you? Pretends to look out the
window?
> For Mizuno Ami, she had to take action and save the plane
>from this madman.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
Tom: Uh-oh!
Crow: What?
Tom: We're late for the thing!
Mike: Hey, he's right!
Crow: Let's get!
From mblackwl@ix.netcom.com Sun May 21 21:15:39 2000
[All exit hurriedly]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The Bridge]
[A four-seat bench is set up. Tom, Gypsy, and Crow
are sitting, bored. Tom has some knitting, Gypsy has
a huge Walkman on, Crow is reading "George" magazine.
Throughout the sketch, Gypsy reacts to nothing, just
listens to her headphones. Mike enters, stage left.]
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Hey. Just waiting for the plane sketch.
Mike: Oh.
[Mike takes the empty seat. He puts his left leg over his
right, and bounces it, distractedly. It hits Tom's knitting.
Tom glares at him.]
Mike: Sorry.
[Tom returns to his knitting. Mike resumes tapping his foot
in the air. He starts softly singing, "JET! Whoo-oo-oo-OO-oo-
oo-OO-oo-oo. Jet!" Crow turns a page in his magazine.]
Mike: Oh! I call the window.
Tom: Dibs on the aisle!
Crow: I'll take the seat next to Deborah Norville in a
spaghetti strap!
[Mike looks at Crow.]
Crow: Well I guy's gotta have goals, Mike.
Mike: Mm.
[Another pause. Mike exhales impatiently. He gives a look
at something above Cambot.]
Mike: I wonder why they have TV sets if the sound's set so
low you can't hear it.
Crow: So you can watch the action.
Mike: It's "Meet the Press".
Tom: Huh. [another pause] So... is there a meal in this
sketch?
Crow: Snack.
Tom: Aw, crap! I skipped lunch!
Mike: Well, I was on a Delta sketch about a month ago,
and their snack was pretty good. Cheese and crackers,
a Nutri-Grain bar- even a Tootsie Roll!
[Tom gets up, starts to leave.]
Tom: Screw that. I'm grabbing a nine-dollar sandwich.
Mike: Tom! Tom I don't think you should...
[Tom's gone.]
Magic Voice: Sketch 109, now boarding at Gate 3.
Mike: Oh, great, that figures! We better go.
Crow: Don't forget our carry-ons Mike!
[Mike start to grab several huge black carry-on bags
from beneath the chairs.]
Mike: Ok, got this here... then this here...
Crow: Then there's that! And that! Can't forget that.
Make sure you have that!
[Mike now has four bags over each shoulder, a backpack,
and two around his neck. You can barely see him.]
Magic Voice: Last call for Sketch 109!
Crow: Ah! Hurry Mike! Let's run!
Mike: OK! OK! Here we- whoap!
[Mike takes one step, trips, and collapses face-first on
top of Crow, crushing him. They both stay pinned to
the floor beneath the desk. We hear the FX of a plane
taking off. Casually, Tom saunters in, carrying a hot
dog.]
Tom: Well, I found a Nathan's combo meal for a sawbuck!
[Tom looks beneath the desk at his friends].
Tom: Huh?
Gypsy: [beneath headphones] Hwah?
Crow: [dazed] Whah?
Mike: [groaning] Oooooh...
[The lights begins to flash.]
Magic Voice: Now arriving. Data 4 of the "Mandalay Scanner
Non-Smoking Driver Barnyard Dealie." Please have
Your boarding passes ready.
Tom: I think that's our sign, Mike.
Mike: Can you get it for me?
Tom: Sure!
[Tom hits the lights and the door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]
[The trio enters, sans baggage, and sits.]
Crow: I still say we should have waited for a later story.
Mike: Nah. They would have stuck us on some red-eye hentai
fic starring the casts of "Akira" and "My Dog Skip."
Crow: Good point.
>
>Data 4: Jihad at 25,000 Feet
>
Mike: So we jump around the world at random, but start a new
chapter in the middle of "tense" moment?
>Akbar was in a rage now. He started to fire indiscriminately at
>anyone he could vent his anger at.
Crow: So! A bullet rips the fuselage, decompressing the cabin,
they all asphyxiate. Guess they'll think through that
hijacking plan a little more carefully next time, huh?
> Ami ducked down just as a
>stray bullet buried itself into the left temple of the passenger
>in front of her.
Tom: [shocked] Lead poisoning!
> Akbar grabbed the flight attendant, and ripped
>her blazer, vest and shirt off, leaving her bra barely hanging by
>the tattered straps.
Crow: It's the congressional version of that tablecloth trick.
> She began to cry as Akbar stormed forward
>into the cockpit.
>
Tom: So what was the little clothes-ripping thing for?
Mike: Akbar hates that "Coffee Tea or Me" movie.
>"GO TO HELL, INFIDEL!", he roared as his gun spat bullets
>everywhere.
Mike: IN A WHILE, CAMEL-PHILE!
> The pilot, co-pilot and navigator fell dead. Akbar
>then went to the control and programmed the auto pilot on a
>course for Lawndale.
Mike: Good thing he took that correspondence course in auto
pilot programming.
Crow: It's a good thing that his dozens of bullets missed the
controls too.
> He then stormed back into the first class
>compartment.
>
Mike: [Akbar] Time for a sipping drink.
>"There is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is His prophet!," roared
>Akbar.
Crow: Murray is his tailor! John McVie on bass! And sitting in for
Yassir Arafat, the lovely Vanna White!
> "The Great Satan will burn in Hell for all eternity!
>Death to the American Satan!
Crow: So, there are two Satans?
Tom: And isn't sending them to hell kind of silly?
Mike: I don't think Akbar's really thought that part out yet...
Crow: Anybody think a little thing like that'll stop him?
Mike: Nope.
Tom: Uh uh.
Crow: Thought so.
> The infidel must die! ALLAH AKBAR!
>ALLAH AKBAR!" Akbar then undid the buttons of his shirt and
Mike: ...single-handedly revived the "disco" look.
>revealed the nuclear device strapped to his abdomen.
Tom: [Akbar] Feel it! Come on! I dare ya!
> With a calm
>dexterity he armed the device for the precise moment the plane
>would be flying over Lawndale High School's football field.
>
Tom: As opposed to something important.
Crow: The _exact_ moment?
Mike: [Akbar, muttering] Let's see the winds are with us, add
an hour for the layover in Vancouver...
>Ami was still in a ducked position.
Crow: Next she's gonna do her goosed position.
> She was trying to get her
>mini-computer/communicator that she always carried with her and
>try to send a message back to Tokyo; she finally found it and
>activated it.
>
Mike: [Ami] Loading Picture 1 of 22,203... Picture 2 of 22,203...
Picture 3 of 22,203...
>"This is Ami!," she began; "Usagi, Rei, Mako, Minako,
Mamoru,
Crow: Little Joe, Hoss, Mr. Cartwright!
Mike: Lee! Rico! Youngblood!
Tom: Mannix! Chief! McCloud!
>anyone, can you hear me!
Tom: Well Rei, Mako, and Mamoru can hear you, but Usagi and
Minako are in the other room arm wrestling. And anyone's
in the can.
Crow: Should we wait until Usagi, Rei, Mako, Minako, and Mamoru
are here, or is this something you can tell Rei, Mako,
and Mamoru now, and then fill Usagi, Minako, and anyone
in later?
Mike: Wait! Usagi's here! She's here! Oh, but Mako left. Had to
microwave her coffee.
> We're being held hostage!"
>
Tom: [muffled voice] If you'd like to make a call, please hang up
and check the number you have dialed.
>Akbar heard what was going on, and stormed right to Ami's seat.
>He grabbed Ami by the hair and roared a savage yell.
>
Crow: [Akbar] EEGAH!
>"You will pay for that, you American pig!," he screamed.
>
Mike: [Ami] That's *Japanese* pig to you!
>"My name is Mizuno Ami," she began to reply. "I am a citizen
of
>Japan. That is all I will tell you!"
>
Crow: Oh, like we're *so* interested in the details of your life.
>"American, Japanese, it doesn't matter to me!,"
Crow: [Bruce Campbell] American, Japanese - I'm the
terrorist with the gun.
> Akbar yelled
>back; "You will pay for what you did, infidel!"
>
Mike: [Akbar] Though I am unclear what that is, but I must take
out an infidel now, or they will think I'm all talk!
>Then Akbar savagely threw a left hook right into Ami's right eye,
Crow: Wait. Why didn't he shoot her?
Tom: Eh. The author's gonna need her later.
>causing her to yelp in excruciating pain as she collapsed on the
>floor. He then began to kick her on the floor, kicking her in
>every conceivable area:
Tom: First Class, Business, Coach...
> her head, her pelvis, her legs, her
>shins, the base of her spine, the solar plexus.
Crow: Every place he knew the name of!
> He then took the
>butt of one of his guns and began to hit her with that as well.
All: Booo!
>Fifteen horrifying minutes later, Ami was horribly black and
>blue. Ami began to cry.
>
Crow: Fifteen minutes later, and she _starts_ crying?
Mike: Too bad she's booked a flight with everyone from Kitty
Genovese's neighborhood.
>"DON'T CRY, YOU BITCH!", Akbar roared as he slapped her across
>the face.
Mike: You know, it's very subtle, but I think we're supposed
to *dislike* this character.
Tom: You picked up on that too, huh?
> He then seized her by the collar of her seifuku and
>ripped it in half. "Take the rest of your clothes off now!"
>
Crow: I got this from Anne Taylor for my wife, and I need to
see how it looks! Would you believe you're the same
size? What luck!
>Ami was too afraid at this point to refuse. She took what was
>left of her tattered clothes off and submitted to a humiliating
>search. There was nowhere Akbar left unexamined.
>
Crow: He left no rock unturned, no door unopened, no present
unwrapped!
Mike: What's he looking for anyway?
Crow: How the hell should I know?! I didn't write this!
>"At least you don't have any more devices on you!;" shouted
>Akbar; "As far as I know, you might be an agent for the CIA or
>the FBI or even working for the Russians!
Crow: [Ackbar] You could even be veteran character actor
Christopher Lloyd! How would I know? I could not!
Tom: Yeah dickweed, the CIA, FBI and KGB frequently hire
giggling Japanese girls as secret agents. Sheesh!
> I don't trust you, you
>swine! I'm locking you in the lavatory until we reach our
>destination!"
>
Mike: Um, Akbar? The bathroom doesn't actually lock from the
*outside*. Think about it.
>"But what if we have to go to there?," said one passenger.
>
Mike: [Akbar] Be quiet or I'm turning this plane around!
>Akbar fired his machine gun and killed him. "SILENCE!," he
>roared.
Tom: [Passenger] Oh. Never mind! I don't have to go anymore.
Crow: Well, he's brutal but fair.
> He then took the nude Ami and threw her into the
>lavatory, putting a food cart next to it so Ami couldn't open the
>door.
>
Crow: Ah, yes, the five-pound object with wheels! That'll hold!
Tom: Well, I guess this might be a bit better than being shot...
but not by much.
>Ami was all alone now.
Mike: Except for her old childhood friend, "Drop Dead Fred."
> She could see bruises all over her body.
Crow: All over her body? That's an awfully big mirror for an
airplane bathroom.
>She hadn't felt so alone or so helpless since her mother told her
>that she was getting a divorce from her father.
Mike: Ami divorced her father?
> Ami began to
>cry.
>
Crow: I don't remember her stopping crying...
Tom: [weeping] o/~ All, BY, MY-self! Don't wanna be, all BY,
MY-self! Anymore. o/~
>"Queen Serenity, help me in my time of need!", she sobbed
>silently.
>
Crow: Ugh. I think I need a shower now. Possibly several. In fact,
you know what? I may never get out of the shower ever again.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
Mike: And, thankfully, the scene is over.
>Akbar had returned to the first class cabin.
Crow: Where he was whisked away into a land of ultimate
comfort and luxury.
> He was extremely
>enraged now.
Mike: This guy's a monster truck with no breaks and one gear!
Crow: I'm not very happy about the situation either buddy! So
get in line.
> He began to scream out a diatribe against the
>United States:
>
Tom: [Akbar] If our present-day values of materialistic nihilism
are inspiring children in America to kill other children
just for fun, how will imposing those same 'American Values'
stop the killing in Sierra Leone? Hmmm?
>"The Great Satan must pay for his atrocities against Islam!
Mike: The Great Satan, like, gets on the "Cash Only" line at the
supermarket when he knows all he's got is credit cards!
> The
>Great Satan must be destroyed for his supporting the Jewish
>interlopers in Palestine! The Great Satan must suffer for his
>sins of arrogance!
Mike: [Akbar] The Great Satan must pay me back that $5 he borrowed
from me in High School!
Crow: Hey, if the US is the Great Satan, who's the Lesser Satan?
Tom: Everyone else takes turns. Bolivia last week, Finland this
week,
Cote de Ivorie next week.
> Death to the American Satan! The infidel
>must die!"
>
Tom: [self-help guru] That's right, Akbar. Visualize your goal.
See? It's right there within reach, isn't it? Oh, but
something's holding Akbar back. Can you see?
>Everyone on the plane was cowed into silence with his ranting.
>
>Suddenly, he said, "I now hereby order all of you to sing!"
>
>"What do you want us to sing?," asked another passenger.
>
Crow: [Akbar] You will all dress like slutty schoolgirls and
sing the songs of Brittney Spears! o/~ Hit me baby,
one more time! o/~
>Akbar commanded, "You are to sing 'Morning Has Broken' from that
>great singer Yosof Islam, or as you infidels know him, Cat
>Stevens.
Tom: Are you sure you wouldn't rather have them sing about
o/~ where the children play-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay...o/~
Mike: You're like a puppy with a rag, aren't you?
> He supports the Ayatollah Khomeini's death sentence
>against that pig, Salman Rushdie.
Tom: Mm, infedel pigs make the best hamburger!
Mike: No, it's sacred cows that make the best bacon. Or something.
> Anyone who refuses to sing
>will be shot! ALLAH AKBAR! ALLAH AKBAR!"
>
Mike: Well, can you give us a note? So we start in the same
key at least?
>Slowly, at first, the crowd began to sing:
>
>"Morning has broken/Like the first dawn..."
>
Mike: [Akbar] No! Infidel pigs! It's o/~ like the first
morn-uh-huh-ing o/~ Sing it correctly!
Tom: Boy, he'll never get on Yaffet Letterman's Stupid
Terrorist Tricks at this rate.
>"LOUDER!," Akbar screamed.
>
Crow: Hey, Akbar's not singing! He has to shoot himself!
Mike: I don't think that's what he meant, Crow.
Tom: Rules are rules, Mike. They apply to everyone equal!
>The crowd began to sing louder.
Crow: Cat Stevens songs are best heard when they're loud
enough to be incoherent, after all.
> Akbar then headed to the
>cockpit, shoved the corpse of the pilot aside and got on the
>radio to announce what he had just done.
Tom: [Akbar] That's right, I made them *sing*! *CAT STEVENS!*
And there's *more* torture to come if you don't cooperate!
> After that, he sent a
>machine gun burst into the radio, disabling it.
Mike: [Akbar] And I told you to turn off Howard Stern!
> He then returned
>to the first class cabin.
>
Tom: [Akbar, muttering] I hope I didn't miss any of 'Big Daddy'.
And Stewardess?! Where's that gimlet I ordered? Ya think
I'm gonna terrorize you goobs *sober*?
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Back at Japan, the news spread like wildfire as soon as it got
>off the wires:
>
Tom: Kevin Thompson cannot pass to save his life!
>"We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming here at NHK to
>bring you this special bulletin.
Mike: The new Pokemon action toys are here! And they're only at
Burger King!
> A Japan Air Lines jet from
>Narita Airport to Berlin, Germany, has just been hijacked by a
>terrorist who says he's with Islamic Jihad.
Crow: For in-depth coverage of how the terrorist might decorate
his new plane, here's CBS Special Correspondent, Martha
Stewart.
> He has set a course
>for the United States, destination unknown at this time.
Mike: [reporter] Rest assured it will probably be goofy.
> He
>claims to have already killed several passengers and will kill
>more unless he is given free passage to the United States.
Tom: While we have no pictures at this time, here is what the
terrorist might look like if he were a beaver.
> His
>ultimate intentions are unknown at this time. NHK will keep you
>posted on further developments as this alarming situation
>develops."
>
Crow: Now back to our Horror Movie Marathon. Michael Keaton in
"Gung Ho"!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------
>
>Gov. Nagai, having heard the news, made hasty arrangements to
>address the issue at a press conference:
>
Crow: He didn't wait for any details or anything?
Mike: He's a politician. Since when do they act on
information?
>"My friends, I have received this distressing news myself only
>moments ago. My heart goes out to those aboard, especially our
>own fellow countrymen, who are now facing indescribable terror.
Tom: [Nagai] As for the non-Japanese aboard, your terror amuses us.
>To the hijacker, I must warn him that any further deaths on his
>part will result in the condemnation of the world."
>
Tom: [Nagai] The world will no longer invite you to the cool
parties. When you walk down the hallway, the world
will dump your books out of your hands. The world
will 'accidentally' let the air out of your tires...
>"I assure everyone here, that if I am elected, I will introduce
>legislation that will address the threat of terrorism here in
>Japan.
Mike: OK, that's it for the sympathy crap. Now: *POLITICS*!
> We only know too well that not even our nation is immune;
>witness the serin attack on the Tokyo subway system just three
>years ago.
Tom: My opponent was in *favor* of those serin attacks. He never
met a serin attack he didn't like!
> I propose that a joint special unit consisting of SDF
>and National Police personnel be formed to help combat the
>scourge of terrorism while at the same time adhere to the
>prohibitions of Article 9.
Mike: Paging the Japanese Elliot Ness!
Crow: This new unit will say "OOOOH!" and "AAAAAH!" when
the U.S.
bombs Iraq.
> I propose that better security
>measures be put in place at our airports, railway stations and
>maritime facilities.
Mike: Since plastic can avoid metal detectors, I propose banning
plastic from all flights leaving Japan!
> It is time to send a message to terrorists
>of all stripes that Japan will no longer be an easy target for
>them."
>
Crow: A good first step might be to remove the giant bulls-eyes from
the top of the government buildings.
Tom: Meanwhile, all the terrorists are pointing at the TV, laughin',
throwin' popcorn...
>Gov. Nagai left without taking any questions from the press.
>
Crow: [reporter] What's the meaning of life?
Tom: [Nagai] No comment.
Mike: [reporter] Is it true that you're afraid of clowns?
Tom: [Nagai] No comment.
Crow: [reporter] Did Cher really have some ribs removed?
Tom: [Nagai] Ummmm.........No comment.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The Sailor Senshi were gathered at Sendai Hill Temple when the
>news broke.
Mike: [Minako] Yup. It's official. Olerud signed with Seattle.
Tom: [Rei] Well, we're screwed then.
> Rei and her grandfather didn't own a television
>themselves, but Kumada Yuuichirou, a retired rock singer who had
>been living in the shrine for several years now, had one in his
>room.
Tom: Well, that's not surprising given the Japanese rocker's
career span of two gigs and a VH1-Japan special.
Crow: I thought a guy named Chad lived with them...
> When he saw the bulletin, he raced out of his room and
>into the courtyard.
>
>"Guys! Guys! You've got to see this!," Yuuichirou said;
Mike: Warren Beatty actually thinks he can be president! It's
hysterical!
> "It was
>just on NHK, but I can get it on CNN as well!"
Crow: [Kumada] It's that big dancing baby from "Ally McBeal"
> Since Yuuichirou
>had a satellite dish installed, he could pull in the American
>cable channels like CNN.
>
Mike: But he usually ended up watching HGTV and reruns of
"Crocodile Hunter".
>"What's going on, Yuuichirou?," Rei asked.
>
>"Something about a hijacking or something like that, Rei,"
>Yuuichirou replied.
>
Tom: [Yuuichirou] I'm not really sure. I think that years
of binge drinking has destroyed my short-term...
um... Oh, Rei! Nice to see you! What brings you here?
>Everyone scrambled to Yuuichirou's room. He had tuned in to CNN.
>Wolf Blitzer was at the State Department covering the event.
>
Mike: His cousins, Coyote Sharpshooter and Crunch McManmuscle,
were also standing by.
>"We can now confirm that Islamic Jihad is behind this," Blitzer
>said. "The Imam Al-Kabaz, who heads the Beirut branch of the
>organization,
Mike: The Islamic Jihad, with over 50 conveniently located
branches to help serve your terrorism needs.
> announced that it was Akbar el-Salaam
All: D'oh!
Crow: So much for the element of surprise.
> who took
>control of the JAL flight from Tokyo to Berlin and has now set a
>course for the United States.
Mike: [Wolf] This is *journalism*, folks. I'm *not* making
stuff up!
> Islamic Jihad still refuses to
>reveal where in the United States the plane will land, if it does
>at all."
>
Mike: It might just defy the Laws of Physics and stay aloft
forever!
>"Oh, my god!
Crow: [Usagi] I'm blonde! When did *that* happen?
> Ami's on that flight!," Usagi said.
>
>"What can we do?", Haruka added
Tom: [Haruka] Perhaps we should gasp a lot and hold our faces!
That may do some good, I think!
> "Right now, they're right in the
>middle of the ocean."
>
Tom: Oh. The plane's crashed already. Well, problem solved.
>Suddenly, Rei's grandfather raced in.
>
>"Rei! Rei! Come quickly!," he said.
Mike: [Grandpa] Someone parked a friggin' big fighter plane in
our backyard!
> "The Great Fire is raging
>out of control!"
>
Mike: [Rei] Grandpa, we've asked you not to try and program the VCR!
>Everyone ran to where the Great Fire was burning.
Tom: Oh, the Great Satan's holdin' a weenie roast! Neat!
> Sure enough,
>it was indeed burning furiously as it had never burned before.
>
Crow: Yeah, well, you throw gasoline on top of tires and this
is what you get...
>"This is not a good sign," Rei said. "There are demonic
forces
>at play here."
>
Crow: [Rei] I'll get the leeches and the holy water. Daria, you
get the rock salt and the rosemary! Usagi! Go get that
copy of the Beatles' White Album!
>Phobos and Deimos, Rei's pet crows, had flown in and witnessed
>the fire.
Crow: Crows? Fight tha power, my brothers!
Tom: D'oh no. Mike? He's doing it again!
Mike: Crow, we've been through this. You're not related to
every crow!
Crow: Then why am I named "Crow", Mike? If I'm not related to
the crow, why am I named for one?
Mike: I don't know, I didn't name you!
Crow: Exactly my point! So back off!
> They were beginning to act strangely, like Rei had
>never seen them act before.
>
Crow: They began to perform the "questions" scene from
"Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" and their
looks improved considerably!
Tom: Aw, jeez. It's as bad as when The Black Crowes played
Woodstock, and they had Security throw him out.
>"In all my years I have been the priest of this shrine, I have
>never witnesses anything like this!," Rei's grandfather said.
Mike: Hey, I see grampa, but where's grammar?
>"In fact, nowhere in the shrine chronicles has anything this
>intense ever happened until now!
Tom: Sir, we *did* advise you to install a sprinkler system if
you were planning to let your Great Fire run all night.
I'm sorry, but Allstate simply can't cover this kind of
damage.
> May all the kami and megami of
>our faith protect us at this trying time!"
>
Crow: [Rei] Oh calm down, grandpa! Jimmy just added more charcoal
to the grill! No need to get all metaphysical about it.
>Usagi turned to Daria and told her, "Now you understand the
>seriousness of what we do here.
Tom: I hope she does, because *I* still don't have a clue!
> This is no kid's game we're
>engaged in.
Crow: Game over man! Game over!
> I used to be a big crybaby and whine a lot,
Crow: Excuse me? Used to be?
Tom: She had a momentous life change off screen.
> but now
>I know what my destiny is.
Mike: [Usagi] I'm the big important queen of the whole entire
world!
> I'm supposed to lead humanity to a
>better future, and fight those who would destroy that vision.
Crow: [Daria] Like Rupert Murdoch?
Tom: [Usagi, shocked] What are you, nuts?!
>Daria, you have to tell me right now: Are you in for this--no
>matter how high the stakes get in this situation--or are you
>out?"
>
Mike: Take your time. Remember, you have two of your lifelines
remaining!
>Daria now knew the gravity of the situation. God only knows
>where the terrorist was taking the plane;
Crow: Be fair. The terrorist probably knows too.
> even the people she
>cared for (in her own way) might be in danger.
>
Mike: Actually, the concepts "care" and "Daria" are
mutually
exclusive.
>"I'm in," Daria replied in her calm, monotone voice.
>
Tom: Lithium! It helps you even in the most stressful situations!
>"I request that all of you leave me here while I meditate," Rei
>asked.
>
Mike: [Rei] And hand me that "Chicago's Hottest Firefighters"
calendar on your way out.
>"Now, when all Hell's breaking loose?," Mako said in shock.
>
Tom: Ya know, praying is the last thing most people do during
a crisis.
Mike: Oh ya.
>"I will pray for the deliverance of the hostages," Rei replied.
>Rei's grandfather and Yuuichirou ushered the others out of the
>room.
Crow: [Yuuichirou] Come on. I've seen her sit around doing
nothing, and believe me- it ain't pretty.
> Rei got on her knees, the sweat from the intense heat of
>the fire dropping from her forehead like mad.
Mike: The heat from the fire was dropping from her head?
> She raised her
>hands in supplication.
>
>"Mother," Rei began, "I know you can hear me.
Crow: [Rei] So turn off your soaps and pay attention!
> I have prayed to
>you since your death.
Tom: [Rei] I know it sounded like swearing, but I was just too
stricken with grief to express it.
> You know that I miss you dearly, but you
>and Grandpa taught me the ways of the miko.
Crow: The singer with the Velvet Underground? Cool!
Mike: No, that's Nico, Crow.
> I pray to you now to
>help my friend Ami.
Tom: [Rei] She's drawing to an inside straight. I *warned*
her to keep the two pair. But noooo, no glory in two pair!
> She too has suffered pain and suffering in
>her life, and now her own life is in jeopardy.
Mike: She's suffered suffering?
> If she is in
>mortal danger, help her.
Crow: [Rei] If not, um, could you put, like, ten pounds on her
and make her face break out?
> I cannot help her myself now,
Mike: 'Cause Tony Tuscadero's coming over tonight.
> for she
>is far away. Listen to my entreaties, Mother. This I pray in
>the name of Amaterasu-Omikami, the Great Heaven Shining Deity who
>watches over our people."
>
Crow: I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think
Japanese doesn't translate so well into English.
>Suddenly, the fire died out.
Mike: She just kept talking 'til it committed suicide.
> A woman in flowing red robes,
>robes that seem to be aflame with the very fire of the Sun
>itself, appeared;
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Diana Ross!
Tom: Wow. She's got a certain *flare* about her, huh guys?
A *solar* flare? Huh? Ya get it?
> she had long, flowing black hair and her eyes
>seemed to be aflame with solar fire themselves.
Mike: So... flowing flames seems to be the motif here...
> It was
>Amaterasu-Omikami herself.
Tom: o/~ Here comes the sun, doo-n-doo-doo! Here comes the sun!
And I say, she's-much-shorter-than-I-expected! o/~
> Rei did not want to admit it, but now
>she was trembling.
>
Tom: [Rei] I hope my...beads of sweat...aren't giving me away.
>"Do not be afraid of me, my child," Amaterasu-Omikami began to
>say;
Mike: [Rei] I'm not, it's just your spots'll screw up our reception!
> "I have heard your supplication and all shall be done as you
>have asked."
Crow: Except for that Scott Wolf thing. I mean, even godhood has
limits.
> She reached a hand out to her forehead,
Mike: Amaterasu-Omikami has a headache this big, and it
has this story written all over it.
> and it
>seemed energy flowed from her to Rei.
>
Tom: Smoke rose from Rei as she screamed in agony and burst
into flames.
>"Receive this gift of mine; it is extra energy to help you in the
>ordeal ahead," Amaterasu-Omikami said.
Tom: [Amaterasu-Omikami] It's full of nutri-grain goodness.
> "Go in peace, my child."
Crow: But mostly, just go!
>With that, she vanished, and Rei seemed to faint. She recovered
>a few minutes later and left the room. She did not dare reveal
>at the time what had happened.
>
Mike: Because the last time she did, everyone decided it was time
for a quick round of Rorschach and Prozac.
Tom: I liked that woman. She had real *star quality!* *POOM!*
Mike: Tom, the next sun pun, I get the stun gun. OK?
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>It was the morning of the big game at Lawndale, due to the time
>difference.
Crow: Bare-knuckled time zone excitement!
> The Lawndale Militia had gathered for a pre-attack
>meeting.
Tom: Darn bureaucracy!
> Anthony Corlew stood up deliver a pre-attack speech:
>
Mike: o/~ This is the speech to the pre-attack, the opening speech
for the pre-attack. Gary called me up and asked if I would
write his fight speech! o/~
>"My comrades in arms! This is the big day we have been planning
>for months now.
Tom: [grunt] Is it?
Crow: [same] But what's gonna happen?
Mike: [same] First *I've* heard of it.
> If we need yet another reason why we need to
>take over Lawndale, then the nation, it is in the news we've all
>heard this morning.
Tom: [Andrew] They've cancelled "It's Like, You Know"!
Mike: Sounds like someone has delusions of grandeur
Crow: They're preparing for the Joe's Bar & Grillhall Putsch!
> The hijacking of the JAL flight proves that
>we need to seize power.
Tom: [Corlew] After all, the hijacking of another nation's airline
surely proves that our government is corrupt!
Mike: Lawndale being the obvious choice as a stepping stone
to world domination.
> If we had a government that was not
>afraid to use its military might when needed, things like this
>wouldn't happen.
Mike: Or they would, but they'd end in cool explosions!
> Our present philandering, draft-dodging
>President does not have the balls to use his powers that are
>given to him.
Crow: Well, he does *have* them - but tragically, he lets
them do his thinking for him.
> And if--God forbid--the hijacker explodes the
>plane over our airspace, it will not look good for us.
Mike: [Corlew] Plus, it might interfere with the football
game!
Tom: Actually, sir, won't it rally world opinion around our
fight against terrorists?
Mike: [Corlew] You're new, here, Jenkins, so I'm only going
to kill you a little bit.
>Therefore, in the name of all that is right with the white middle
>class,
Mike: By which I mean Jewel and "Law and Order"...
> let us mobilize and take our positions."
>
Crow: And the Lawndale Militia raised their banner with the
Triumvirate of Steve Douglas, Darren Stevens, and Ozzie
Nelson.
>The members of the militia got up and began to move out.
>
Tom: [Corlew] And remember! If you get lost, we meet back in
the parking lot at 3!
Mike: [whining] General Corlew! Sergeant Thorne's hitting me!
Tom: [Corlew] That's his job, son.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Dr. Vander Helffen was watching the coverage of the hijacking
>situation on Asahi TV. He had summoned Yoriko, who was expected
>to arrive shortly.
>
Mike: Can you really "summon" someone who's coming anyway?
Tom: [Helffen] Now I will command the tides to recede at
precisely 9:43!
Crow: Doc, could you put the almanac down, please? It's
getting creepy!
>Yoriko entered.
Crow: That's certainly shortly.
> Dr. Vander Helffen motioned her to sit down. He
>said:
>
Tom: [Helffen] Have you ever considered the advantages of Amway?
>"Yoriko, now is the time for us to launch 'Operation Iron Fist.'
Tom: [Yoriko] This isn't like "Operation Steel Gaze", where I
went down to the store and bought you a pint of Phish Food,
is it?
>Now that the attention of the world is focused on this hijacking,
>now is the time to strike.
Crow: So we're on strike! No more terrorism until those guys
come down from their ivory towers and negotiate!
> Get our best ninja soldiers together
>and get some sarin bombs and proceed to the joint SDF/USAF base
>near Yokohama.
Tom: You bet, sir! Um, what was the middle part, again?
> Now is the time to strike while the iron is hot!"
>
Crow: So, I'm just guessing here, but this must be the time to
strike.
Mike: The evidence certainly points to it.
Tom: For the remainder of the story, the part of Dr. Vander
Helffen will be played by Mojo Jojo.
>"Understood, Dr. Vander Helffen," responded Yoriko.
>
Tom: [Yoriko] And, 5! 4! 3! 2...
Crow: [Helffen] Oh, Yoriko! I've changed my mind! It's such a
nice day, let's have a picnic with ice cold root beer and
buckets of fried chicken!
Tom: [Yoriko] Right on schedule. Poor dumb bastard.
Mike: I wish I understood what the heck is going on.
Tom: Let's take a break to figure it out...
[They stand up and exit the theater.]
>-----------------------------------------------------------------