"The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle"

=== PART 2 of 4 ===

Written by Peter W. Guerin
Misted by Matt Blackwell, Tyler Dion, Douglas Gale,
Brendan Herlihy, Bill Livingston, Eric Schepers,
Harold Tessmann III, Rebo Valence, and Valeria

==========================================================

[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]

[The Bridge of the SoL]
[Mike, Tom and Crow stand behind the command console.]

Mike: Well, four chapters in and no end in sight.
Crow: Come on, Mike. This is a cake walk so far.
Tom: Yeah! There aren't many grammar or spelling errors,
and there seems to be a plot, albeit a rather goofy
one.
Crow: Well, and the characters seem to have wandered in
from another story.
Tom: Oh, and there's that whole breast thing, but I'm
blaming that on Noah.
Mike: I guess you're right. Still, I get the horrible
feeling that things are going to get a whole lot
worse before they get any...

[Suddenly, three men dash into view. Two of them are dressed
as stereotypical Middle-Eastern terrorists. The third wears
a Green Bay Packer sweatshirt and knit hat. All three carry
rifles.]

Mike: Why do I do that? Something always proves me right...

Terrorist #1: Hold, infidels! We are the People's United
Resistance Front! We are seizing this vessel in the
name of...

Mike: [Sigh] Excuse me, but...

Terrorist #1: Silence, infidel! You will cease your infernal
yapping!
Terrorist #2: Riyadh!

Tom: Well, since Crow and I are robots, we can't really be
infidels as we don't really have any souls.
Crow: That's right! We're soulless automatons!
Terrorist #1: Oh. I guess I can talk to you then.
Tom: But the Doughboy here is one of those infidels all right.
Mike: Hey!
Terrorist #1: Then you will remain silent, evil one!
Terrorist #2: Ben Lauden!

[An uncomfortable silence. The bots and the terrorists stand
around uneasily.]

Crow: So, um... Don't you guys have demands or something?
Tom: And what's the deal with the Packers guy?

Terrorist #1: Demands? Oh, yes, demands! Please forgive
me. I'm still a bit new at this. Ahem. Infidels! We
are seizing control of this vessel to strike a
blow at the heart of the Great Satan! You will
take us to the epicenter of the evil...
[Dramatic pause, close-up on the terrorist]
The Circle K at 315 Vine in Truth or Consequences,
New Mexico!

[Cambot pans out to restore the full view of the bridge.]

Crow: Oh. Well, I can certainly see why you'd do that.
Tom: But what about the Packers guy?

Terrorist #1: Oh. That's Todd. He gave us a ride here.
Todd: Woo-hoo! Packers!

Crow: Have you considered the socio-economic ramifications
of your actions though? After all, if the Circle K
is wiped out, it could have repercussions throughout
the convenience store industry in Truth...

Mike: [Interrupting] Excuse me, guys?

Terrorist #1: Silence, infidel!
Terrorist #2: Rutabaga!

Mike: Yes, yes. Silence, infidel. I just that you'd
like to know that we can't control the ship from
up here. The people on the ground who also hold
us hostage steer the thing.

Terrorist #1: Cease your lies, infidel!

Crow: No he's right.
Tom: This puppy's about as mobile as Ted Kennedy during
Happy Hour.

Terrorist #1: Hmm. Perhaps you are all trying to mislead us
into thinking that we can't seize the plane...

Mike: It's actually a spaceship...

Terrorist #1: Silence!
Terrorist #2: Xylophone!
Terrorist #1: One of these other doors must lead to the
cockpit! We'll go through this one!
[The terrorist and his companion walk up to the theater
doors.]

Crow: Nope, that leads to the theater.
Tom: We watch bad movies in there.

Terrorist #1: Oh. Bad movies? Like "Batman and Robin"?

Crow: No. Not at all.

[He walks to the door to the hologazebo.]
Terrorist #1: Well, this must be the door to the cockpit
then.

Mike: No, that's the door to the deathtrap.

Terrorist #1: AHA! Your lies have lead us to the truth!
This, THIS leads to the cockpit! Soon, we shall
take our rightful control of this vessel and then
we shall return to wreak our vengeance on you!
Goodbye, robots. Infidel.
Terrorist #2: Zappa.

Mike: No! Don't...!

[The terrorists, ignoring Mike's protests, walk to the back
of the bridge and walk through the open door, which has
tinny music pouring out of it. Mike and the bots walk to
the open door and peer inside.]

Terrorist #1: [O.S.] Say! What a cute bunny!
Bunny: [O.S.] Bite me, nerd boy.

[A "KA-CHICK" sound can be heard, followed by screams of
abject terror. The bots look away from the opening as
Mike closes the door. The trio walks solemnly towards
the console.]

Mike: Well, the fluffy bunnies claim more victims.

[Todd walks towards the open hologazebo door.]

Mike: Hey! Where are you going?
Todd: Those guys have my smokes. I'll be right back.
PACKERS!
Mike: No, wait...!

[Todd also enters the Hologazebo. Sure enough, more sounds of
death and destruction emerge]

Mike: Sigh. Why don't they listen?
Tom: And you said it wouldn't be useful.
Crow: Gee, Mike. I really wish the terrorists could have
spoken about their plan some more. I think that they
might have really been onto something there...

[As both Tom and Mike stare quizzically at Crow,
the movie sign begins to flash.]
Tom: Mike? Can we fit one more person into the holo
program?
Mike: I wish we could, Tom, but WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN!

[Mike hits the lights, and the door sequence begins
again...]

[6. . . 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2. . . 1. . .]

[The trio enters the theater.]
Crow: You don't suppose those terrorists are going to die
horrible, screaming deaths, do you?
Mike: It's okay, Crow. Despite all evidence to the contrary,
I'm sure they were just sent to another dimension.
Tom: Well, back to "Magnolia Sourapple Neosporin Doolittle
Bagpipe Doormats."

>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 5: The NIRAA Strikes!
>
>At Lawndale High School, Mr. DeMartino was speaking to Angela Li,
>the principal. He was trying to persuade her to cancel the game
>due to some security concerns.
>

Mike: [DeMartino] Why, for all we know some loony with a nuke might
be planning to blow up the big game!

>"Ms. Li,"

Tom: ...Loves Company.
[Mike and Crow groan loudly]

> Mr. DeMartino began, "given the fact that a terrorist
>has seized a plane and has it going to the United States has me
>gravely concerned that there might be a chance he might bring it
>over to our community.

Crow: [DeMartino] And I'm SURE that those killer BEES are gunning
for ME!

> We should cancel the game."
>

Crow: [DeMartino] And not because WE'RE going to get our HEADS
handed to us EITHER.

>"Forget it, DeMartino," Ms. Li said, "there's too much money at
>stake here!

Tom: [Li] I got fifty large on the other team! Um, Thompson's
still in at quarterback, right?

> We've got a sold out stadium,

Mike: What, all twelve tickets?

> I promised Mystic
>Spiral I'd pay them $1000 for playing the national anthem, and
>the Fashion Club's poised to make a lot of sales with their
>homemade goodies."
>

Crow: Wow, I never knew high school football was so profitable.

>"Dammit, Ms. Li," Mr. DeMartino roared, "is money all you ever
>think about? What about people's lives?"
>

Crow: [Li] To hell to their lives! I have to think about
the homemade goodies.
Mike: He's a football coach who makes underdeveloped young
boys run directly into 200-pound linemen! He's not the
best person to be lecturing about safety!

>"I could make things rather rough on you if I ask the Board of
>Education of start disciplinary hearings against you for
>insubordination!," warned Ms. Li.
>

Tom: Unbeknownst to Ms. Li, Mr DeMartino liked the idea
rough disciplinary action.
Mike: 'Unbeknownst'?
Tom: Unbeknownst.

>With that, Mr. DeMartino realized that Ms. Li had him.
>
>"All right," shouted Mr. DeMartino, "go ahead with your damn
>game,

Crow: Dam Games! The Olympics of Boulder, Colorado!

> but it'll be on your conscience if anything happens to
>anyone out there!" With that, he left the office.
>

Mike: [DeMartino] Except for the life long, debilitating
football injuries. Those will still be my fault.
Tom: The "portending warning" scene, ladies and gentlemen!
Let's give 'em a hand!
Crow: Without such professional Cassandras, the disasters that
keep us entertained would lack the high moral content we
Americans take for granted! So give it up! Let them know
you care!

>"Paranoid bastard!," Ms. Li dismissed the entire affair with a
>huff.
>

Mike: And a puff, and she blew the whole story down.
Crow: I dunno. This seems much more like an episode of "Guiding
Light" than Daria.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Downtown Lawndale was quiet,


Crow: [film noir] Too quiet. I headed down to the Morgendorffers
to investigate a triple homicide. Something in my gut told
me this was going to be a long night...

> since almost everyone was heading
>for the game. Meanwhile, the Lawndale Militia had quietly
>assumed attack positions.

Tom: George, why is that man pointing a gun at us?
Mike: Not sure, but he sure is being quiet about it.

> Trucks were parked in strategic
>positions in town.

Tom: The Feed Store, Ajax Supermarket, Bun'n'Run...

> Anthony was making a check of the situation.
>
>"Troop A ready at City Hall?," he said on a portable CB radio.
>

Mike: That's a big 10-4, good buddy.

>"Check," said the first troop leader.
>

Crow: He didn't say "break" first!

>"Troop B ready at Police Headquarters?," Anthony asked.
>

Tom: Sir, Johnson shot the sheriff! He was supposed to shoot
the deputy!

>"Check," replied the second troop leader.
>

Tom: [Anthony] Troop F, Ready at Fort Courage?
Crow: EET EES BALLOOOOOOOON!!

>Finally, Anthony asked, "Troop C ready at the Courthouse?"
>
>"Check," stated the third troop leader. All was set.
>

Mike: Soon, they'd all have their drivers' licenses renewed!
Tom: The fiends!

>"OK, now we wait for the right moment to strike," said Anthony.
>

Crow: Doodly-doodly-doodly...
Tom: Sir, it's been three months! Our wives are getting lonely!
Mike: Nope! You stay there and wait for the right- oh, shoot,
you know what? I think that was the right moment! Darn!
It's gone now!
Crow: Wow, arguing about the right moment made us miss the moment!
Tom: Huh. Well, ya gotta laugh, I suppose.

>Almost no one noticed when a bus stopped and left off Beavis and
>Butt-Head, who began their hideous laughter as they headed down
>the street toward the high school.
>

Mike: [Beavis] Hn-hn! I hope this football game doesn't detract
from the fine high school band program Lawndale has!

>"Wait a minute," Anthony said, "it's those two idiots who threw
>firecrackers at the scrimmage."
>

Crow: Jeez, what kind of feeb forgets a name like "Butthead"?

>"Should we kill them?," Poindexter asked.
>

All: Yes!
Tom: Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease...
Mike: If you do, you'll be declared the unqualified heroes of the
story!

>"No," Anthony replied.

Mike: [Anthony] I'll handle them two personally. Mwahahahaha!

> "We'll deal with those two soon enough.
>Hold your positions. It'll only make the taste of victory that
>much sweeter."
>

Mike: Huh?
Crow: I'm sensing some very capricious victory conditions in play
here.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The joint SDF/USAF base near Yokohama was one of the biggest on
>Honshu, the main island of Japan.

Mike: The biggest air base on Honshu was owned by Bill Gates.
He used it to house his airfleet that he'd soon use
to take over the world.
Crow: And Daria will tell you all about it right now!
Tom: Ugh, this fic's giving me jet lag.

> Airman First Class Brian
>Mackenzie, Mack's cousin, was doing some routine maintenance on
>his F-15C Eagle when he got the orders.
>

Crow: Well, that's the first time I've ever heard it called
*that* before!
Mike: Well, it's nice to see those loose ends getting wrapped up
...several hundred pages later.

>"Mackenzie," Sgt. Frank Stone said, "we've just got our orders in
>from the Pentagon.

Tom: [Sgt] Find a hammer and pay $700 for it, stat!

> We are to intercept the JAL plane and force
>the terrorist to land the plane outside the mainland. Your unit
>is to scramble immediately."
>

Mike: And the USAF's crack anti-egg squad moves into action!

>Brian didn't waste time. He finished up his maintenance and got
>ready to go.

Crow: His top says, "I Went To The Danger Zone! And All I Got Was
This Lousy T-Shirt".

> He didn't even notice the white, unmarked truck
>that was approaching the gate.

Tom: They're ignoring the Good Humor man? Boy, it *must* be serious!
Mike: Hey, it's Sweet Tooth in a cameo!

> The two guards on sentry duty
>did, but they were ran over as the truck crashed through the gate
>and pulled to a stop.

Crow: "Watchtower" isn't taking "no" for an answer this time.

> It was what he saw next that was shocking.
>

Tom: One of those new gold dollar coins!
Mike: David Letterman, back at work after only a week!
Crow: Yeah, the truck breaking down the barricade happens every
payday.
No big whoop.

>The NIRAA ninja soldiers pulled out small black boxes,

Tom: Oh, so if any of them crash, their valuable flight data won't
be lost.

> pushed the
>buttons on them, and then donned gas masks.

Crow: Pee-yew!
Tom: Must've ate at Taco Bell last night.

> Brian, not a fool,

Tom: Just a drunkard.

>got into the cockpit of his fighter and activated the oxygen.

Crow: Unfortunately, Brian, having just transferred in from the
elite USAF Blimp division, had accidentally filled his tanks
with helium. Let's watch the fun!

>The devices went off, sending deadly clouds of sarin gas in the
>air.

Tom: o/~ Sa-rin... SA-rin... Storms are brewin' in her eyes... o/~

> There was enough to kill everyone outside.
>

Mike: Brian knew this from looking? Is he the idiot savant of
poison gas attacks?

>Brian activated his radio and alerted the tower:
>
>"This is Airman Mackenzie to tower!

Mike: [Brian] I spilled my coffee, over!

> Some terrorists have just
>entered the base and activated sarin bombs!

Crow: [Brian] And it's 4:59! Should I just swipe out?

> Seal all vents in
>all buildings at once! I'll try to stop the terrorists until
>help comes.

Mike: I'll make a few calls! Disbursements might know something!

> Out!"
>

Tom: Damn spot!
Crow: [Brian] I'm out of Mentos! What a world, what a world!

>The cloud began to subside, and the ninja terrorists moved toward
>the hangar where the Neo-Zero prototype was being stored.

Mike: The who? The what?
Tom: It's the plane. I, um, think.
Crow: Um, should I ask why the Americans are guarding a top
secret Japanese airplane?
Mike: We better not. We might get an explanation.

> They
>now had their masks off. It turned out that one of the ninja
>soldiers was none other than Yoriko herself.
>

Mike: An unexpected development!
Tom: What?
Mike: That's what this story needs, an unexpected development!

>"Open the doors to that hanger!," she ordered.
>

Tom: [HAL] I'm sorry. I can't let you do that, Dave.

>Two of the ninja soldiers opened the doors, and the Neo-Zero
>prototype was now revealed.

Mike: [Yoriko] What?! *BREAKFAST CEREAL?!*
Crow: [announcer] Yes! New Neo-Zero gives you rice! Corn!
And the hearty crunch of rye! A taste that's worth
betraying your country for!
Tom: So this is the result of security being 'tightened
to the biggest extent possible'?

> It was unlike any jet fighter the
>SDF currently had.

Crow: The revolutionary "no wings" innovation had yet to be
accepted by the aviation industry.

> Based on the rejected YF-23 design from
>Northrop/McDonnell Douglas, the Neo-Zero was vastly improved by
>Mitsubishi over the original design specifications.

Mike: So it's smaller, and comes with optional duoflow control?
Tom: They probably threw in a passenger side airbag too.

> The capacity
>for AAM's had been doubled thanks to the design of new, smaller
>and more effective "Neo-Sidewinder" missiles; one of those had
>the explosive power of two regular Sidewinders.

Tom: Y'know, I'm neo-sensing a neo-theme with Neo-Guerin's
neo-story.
Mike: Neo kidding?

> The machine guns
>were also new:

Mike: Thanks to the grant, they came complete with bullets.
Tom: Probably Neo-machine guns.

> it was the experimental 35-mm "Deathgrip" cannon.

Mike: Just the thing to use on an important mission, experimental
weaponry.
Crow: You load the gun and it shoots things! How experimental can
it be?

>Further, radar jamming devices on the fighter made it even more
>stealthy than it already was.

Tom: It had its own show on UPN, assuring no one would *ever*
see it!

> All in all, the Neo-Zero was a
>worthy successor to the legendary fighter plane that was its
>namesake;

Mike: Perfectly capable of attacking Pearl Harbor any time!

> although paying homage to the past, it was symbolizing
>Japan's ascendancy as the second most powerful nation in the
>world,

Crow: Ironically, there's a little tag underneath that says,
"Made in Taiwan".

> a nation that was committed to peace, albeit it was ready
>to defend that peace if need be.
>

Tom: Dost mine ears detect the sound of a soapbox being tucked away?
All: BANZAI!

>Yoriko stepped up to the cockpit and opened the canopy.

Mike: Oh, look, it's Succoth!

> She
>stepped in and began the pre-flight check.
>

Mike: [Yoriko] Lessee...Twinkies, check. Ding Dongs, check. Damn,
where're my Ho Ho's?

>Brian had seen what was going on. Until help arrived, it was up
>to him to stop the hijacking.
>

Crow: [squeaky teen] Excuse me, sir. I'm going to have to ask you
to sit down, or I'll call the manager.

>"Hold it right there!," he yelled.
>

Tom: [Brian] I must validate your parking! Where's your stub?

>Yoriko had started the Neo-Zero up, and it was slowly taxiing out
>of the hangar toward Brian.
>

Tom: Yeah, it's taking the scenic runway, all right!
Mike: And you just *know* the meter's already running.

>"I said to hold it right there!," he repeated.
>

Crow: [Brian] Stop, or I'll say "Stop!" again!

>Yoriko fired the Deathgrip cannon. Brian got out of the way,
>only to be in the way of several ninja soldiers who proceeded to
>use their nunchuckas on him.

Tom: I dunno about you guys, but I'm ready to upchuckas.

> Yoriko now got on the runway and
>put the plane on full throttle; it was roaring down the runway
>and soon took off. Yoriko activated the afterburners and soon
>the craft reached its maximum speed of Mach 2.5,

Crow: See, this is what happens when you don't put "The Club" on
your super top secret death plane!

> once again an
>improvement over the YF-23's original performance specs.

Crow: So adding Neo onto a plane's name makes it faster?
Tom: Neo for a Neo-Tomorrow!

> Yoriko
>armed all systems, and set a course for Tokyo.
>

Mike: Wow, this is just like "James and the Giant Peach", but
without the peach. Or the talking bugs. And I wanna shoot
myself from boredom.

>Luckily for Brian, several MP's arrived on the scene. After a
>brief scuffle, the ninja soldiers had been captured,

Crow: [sarcasm] Oh really, how startling.
Mike: I've come to think "ninja" must be Japanese for "loser".

> but already
>the damage had been done.
>

Mike: Brian is dead, long live Brian!

>One of the MP's asked Brian, "Did you see what happened?"
>

Crow: [Brian] Well, I was rather busy getting the snot beat
out of me at the time.

>"Every last thing, Sir," Brian said. "I tried to stop them,

Tom: [Brian] I like, held my hand up, and whined really hard!

> but
>they had detonated serin bombs.

Crow: But thankfully not *sarin* bombs.

> I was lucky to escape that, they
>tried again to stop them. They overwhelmed me."
>

Crow: [MP] So they tried to stop them, but they had detonated bombs
and then they couldn't.
Mike: [Brian] Exactly!

>"Airman," replied the MP, "this is a very serious matter that's
>just happened here.

[All snigger. Mike slaps his head in disbelief.]
Tom: [MP] The theft of the giant death plane concerns me greatly!
You may not appreciate it, but that thing's not insured yet!

> Whoever has that fighter can cause havoc
>anywhere in Japan right now.

Crow: [MP] It could even disrupt many high school football games,
such as the great Lawndale-Highland match being held later
today!

> But at least your quick thinking
>might have spared quite a few lives inside.

Crow: Inside what?
Tom: Good thinking, letting the gas disperse like that.

> We're going to send
>you to Gen. Torymura for a debriefing."
>

Mike: And all they ever found of Brian Mackenzie were the fillings
from his teeth.

>Brian followed the MP's as they put the captured ninja soldiers
>in a truck.

Tom: Soon they'll be packed in ice and shipped to grocery stores
all over the world.

> They were soon heading for the base stockade and the
>main administration building.
>

Tom: [MP] Woo! Man. What a day, huh Rob? I wonder what happened
to all that poison gaAAAAACK!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Sendai Hill Shrine was abuzz with activity.


Mike: Everybody was Kung Fu fighting!

> Reports were coming
>in about the JAL situation,

Tom: Look at this - Grant Morrison's the new writer!
Mike: JAL, Tom, not JLA.

> and now the report of the theft of
>the Neo-Zero was coming in.
>

Crow: Did you hear about the Neo-Zeo?
Tom: Heard about it in Rio while driving my Geo!
Mike: I heard from my good friends, Theo and Cleo!
Crow: They say it was some trio singing "O Solo Mio"!

>"We've just got this report in from Yokohama," an NHK
>anchorperson began to say.

Mike: "Roseanne to Mandate Chemical Castration!" Says Former
Love Slave.

> "An experimental jet fighter has just
>been stolen from the joint SDF/USAF base located at the port
>city.

Tom: Police have detained a suspicious young black male for
questioning.

> It seems to be on a direct course for Tokyo.

Tom: Seems to be?
Mike: Well, it might be headed for Dubuque.
Crow: It *seems* to me that someone's a little too fond of that word.

> SDF and
>American military personnel are asking all civilians to take
>necessary precautions in case of an air attack.

Crow: If the air attacks us, where can we hide?! It's everywhere!

> We will have
>further warnings and bulletins here on NHK as we receive them."
>

Mike: [newscaster] Oh! Another bulletin! The Go Club is having
its annual bake sale to raise go awareness throughout Japan!

>"I guess now I should tell you about my meeting with Ryu," Mamoru
>said.
>

Crow: [Mamoru] He thinks we should team up and form a folk-singing
lounge lizard duet.

>"What do you mean, Mamo-chan?," Usagi asked.
>
>Mamoru began, "Ryu asked--I digress, demanded--

Crow: Implied! Stipulated! *SANG!*

> the Sailor
>Senshi's assistance in case the Neo-Zero fighter was hijacked.
>We have no choice.

Mike: Jeez, you make saving the world sound like a *bad* thing!

> Special Intelligence has extensive files on
>each of us."
>

Tom: I mean, they must be telling the truth, right? They are
the government and all.

>"But they don't have one on me," Daria was quick to point out.
>


Crow: [Daria] I mean, the American government obviously wouldn't
have any records on me, right?

>"Not yet," Mamoru replied.
>

Crow: [Mamoru] They're still assembling their "Gloomy Gaijan Girl"
division.

>Mamoru's cellular phone began to ring.
>

Mike: [Mamoru] Country 104 plays the boot-scooting best
music!

>"Hello, Chiba Mamoru speaking," was his answer.
>

Tom: [Ryu] It's Ryu. Could you send us all the information
that you have on that new Sailor Mercury?
Crow: [Mamoru] Sure thing!

>"Mamoru," said the voice on the phone, "this is Ryu. The time
>has come.

Mike: o/~ Sends shivers down my spine, body's achin' all the
time... o/~

> You and the others are to go to the joint SDF/USAF
>base in Yokohama for you assignment briefing immediately."

Tom: [Mamoru] But can't we just go stop the plane?
Crow: [Ryu] No, no. Not before you come here and we threaten you.

> Ryu
>stopped there and hung up.
>

Mike: He didn't say goodbye? How rude!

>"We've just got our orders," said Mamoru. "We've got to move it
>to the SDF/USAF base at once."
>

Crow: Move *what* to the base?
Tom: *It*! You know - the, the thingy!

>Usagi never thought that the Sailor Senshi would ever be called
>to stop an internal threat to Japan; always the threat was from
>outer space, from another dimension, from another time.

Crow: Or even from south Detroit.
Tom: Aren't bankrobbers an internal threat?

> Now
>Usagi and the others had grown up too fast.
>

Tom: Pardon me? Usagi's gonna break into "Sunrise
Sunset"? Why?
Mike: o/~ Is this the anime I sleeeept through? o/~

>"All right, everyone!," said Usagi, "It looks like we have no
>choice in this matter!

Tom: Well, actually you have a choice between doing it and not
doing it. It may not be much of a choice, but still.....

> Prepare to transform!"
>

Crow: Optimus Prime, GO!

>The Sailor Senshi began their transformations again:
>

Tom: Brace yourselves!

>"ETERNAL MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>

Crow: SUPER CROW STAR POWER...
Tom: No. We've already done that.
Crow: Hey, you're not the only one around here who
looks good in a skirt!
Mike: Okay...let's not go there.

>"SUPER CHIBI-MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>

Mike: PREVIOUS TRANSFORM SEQUENCE, CUT-AND-PASTE!

>"SUPER MARS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>

Crow: Khaki Cargo Pants, Extra Wide!

>"SUPER JUPITER STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>

Tom: Personally I think it'd be neat if there were
one really shy Sailor Senshi, who just sorta
went into a corner and whispered her change
phrase to herself?

>"SUPER VENUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>

Mike: Super Camping Planet Power, Hike!

>"SUPER SATURN STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>

Mike: Shazam!
Crow: [Popeye theme] o/~ Da, da-da-da-da, da-da! o/~
Tom: Wonder twin powers, activate!

>"SUPER URANUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>

Crow: Extra Wide Butt Power, Kissy-Kiss!

>"SUPER NEPTUNE STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>

Tom: Super Telemundo Blaster, Make Out!

>"SUPER PLUTO STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>

Mike: So maybe this is like Japan's equivalent to a
daily self-actualization prayer?
Crow: Could be.

>"SUPER MERCURY STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>

Tom: [He-Man] I HAVE THE POWEEEER!
Crow: You know, Earth is a planet too. How come there's no
Sailor Earth? Answer me that, huh?
Mike: Super Planet of the Apes Power, Stinking Paws!

>As soon as each of the Sailor Senshi and Mamoru had completed
>their transformation, they headed for the base.
>

Mike: Oh, um, while you were transforming? The plane took out
Tokyo. And Kyoto. And Hemenji, and Kanoya, Nara, Osaka...
Crow: I have heard that sometimes one sentence can take the place
of many.
Tom: Really?

>"I never thought my trip was going to take this turn!," Daria
>said to herself, still fussing over her seirafuku.
>

Crow: She adjusts her porn costume! o/~ La-la, LA-la la! o/~
Tom: This whole story is thanks to that damn dress-up gimmick
at the end of every Daria episode, isn't it?

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"Ladies and gentlemen," Gen. Torymura began to speak, "I guess
>you know why you're here right now.

Mike: [Torymura] You want to learn how to find incredible bargains
at police and sheriff's auctions.

> The Neo-Zero prototype has
>been stolen by the New Imperial Rule Assistance Association, an
>extreme right-wing organization that wants to restore the wartime
>military government that had ruled Japan.

Crow: Can we just fast forward through this part?

> This aircraft is so
>advanced, it makes every jet fighter now with the SDF obsolete.

Tom: [Usagi] Well, there's one power that the Neo-Zero can't make
obsolete. And that's the power of our friendship!
Mike: [Torymura] Well, actually the cockpit comes fully equipped with
frozen Snickers bars and a Sega Dreamcast.
Tom: [Usagi] It does?! Oh my god! Screw you losers, I'm outta here!

>The NIRAA's objective is to use the Neo-Zero in a terrorist
>campaign to bomb Tokyo until the civilian government surrenders
>to them.

Crow: Or until they run out of bombs.

> Your mission is to stop the Neo-Zero and the NIRAA at
>all costs.

Tom: [Rei] Will our strategy be to shoot at it until it blows up?
Mike: [Torymura] *WHO TOLD YOU?!*

> You have complete authority to use whatever means
>necessary to stop them.

Crow: So feel free to cut down high-tension wires and rejuvenate
any spare monsters we have lying around.
Tom: Does that include not inviting the terrorists to our
Halloween party, sir?
Mike: Any means necessary.
Crow: Bad-mouthing them to their friends?
Mike: Again...
Tom: Talking about the terrorists to their face like they're not
even there?

> Do I make myself clear?"
>

Mike: No, you make yourself opaque.

>"General," Sailor Moon began, "with all due respect, the Sailor
>Senshi are not some mercenary force; we don't go out on commando
>missions for anyone."
>

Tom: [Usagi] Just the ones who can afford the price tag.

>"Listen, sister," Gen. Torymura replied, "this isn't any fun and
>games here!

Crow: This ain't no party! No disco! No foolin' around!

> You're not dealing with some powerful alien beings
>trying to take over the world!

Mike: You're dealing with some powerful human beings trying to take
over the world! There's a big difference!

> We're dealing with a ruthless
>terrorist organization that wants to re-annex both Koreas, all of
>Sakhalin Island, the Kuriles and Taiwan

Crow: But they'll never capture our hearts!

> as well as retake the
>Philippines, Papua New Guinea,

Tom: Harvard Law School,

> Singapore, Malaysia, India,
>Pakistan,

Mike: That new Staples they built by the Palmer Video...

> The People's Republic of China, Bangladesh, Bhutan,

Crow: Bhutan Rouge?

>Vietnam, Mynamar, Cambodia, Laos, Thailand,

[All start to growl and sigh.]
Tom: Ok. Yeah. The *world.* They want to take over *the world.*
You could've just said!

> the Pescadores,
>Indonesia and the various Oceanic nations.

Crow: But yet, they don't want New Zealand.
Tom: There's a lesson there for you, you Kiwi bastards.
Mike: Wow! Half these countries have vanished since the story
was written!

> They've even issued
>grandiose statements about waging nuclear war against the United
>States, Russia,

[All repeat their growls.]
Crow: [Usagi] Look! You know your geography! We get that! Can
we start hitting things now?

> Great Britain and France.

Mike: [Torymura] We can't risk starting a war with France! It
will surely doom the entire world!
Crow: Does Japan even have any nuclear weapons?
Tom: They don't have any super powered preteens either, but
yet they keep showing up.

> Sailor Moon, or shall
>I call you Ms. Tsukino, this is a very grave matter. This isn't
>something you can just say some magic words and hope your enemies
>turn to dust.

Tom: Why not? It's always worked before.
Mike: Well, this time they're up against a really big plane.
Crow: But...
Mike: Guys, it's a *really big plane*.

> We must use force against the NIRAA and stop them
>from destroying half a century of progress!"
>

Mike: Sure, downhill progress but still.....
Tom: On the plus side A&E'll have like twenty hours of
fresh footage for new war specials!

>"But by using some of the methods your government denounces the
>NIRAA in using, isn't your government being hypocritical?," Daria
>retorted.
>

All: Huh? What?
Mike: Is Daria implying Japan stole a NIRAA plane and is going
to bomb the terrorists?
Crow: I think it's a sort of pacifist if-we-shoot-back-we'll-be-
as-bad-as-them kinda deal.
Tom: Huh. Takes all kinds, I guess.

>"No one asked you, sister!," Gen. Torymura replied.

Mike: [Torymura] Now sit down before you give me cooties.

> "And who the
>Hell are you anyway? You're not Mizuno Ami, alias Sailor
>Mercury!"
>

Crow: It's Old Man Witherspoon, the guy who runs the haunted
amusement park!

>"No, I'm not," she replied. "I'm Daria Morgendorffer from the
>United States.

All: D'OH!!!!
Tom: [Daria] And apparently, I've never watched enough Batman
to figure out how to keep a secret identity.

> I'm filling in for Ms. Mizuno.

Tom: Supertemps!

> She's now on
>board the JAL plane that's been taken hostage by Islamic Jihad."
>

Tom: And weren't we all relieved by the little plot twist,
believe you me.
Crow: That implies there's a plot to twist!
Tom: Oops. Right. Heh-heh. Sorry.

>"Don't get wise with me, Ms. Morgendorffer!," replied Gen.
>Torymura.

Mike: [miffed] She was answering a question!
Crow: Give her a chance, at least!

> "You may sass around like you do back in the United
>States,

Tom: [guffawing] "Sass around"?!?
Mike: Apparently, grandmother helped with the dialog.

> but remember, we have a saying here in Japan:

Tom: "Do as I say or I'll cry like a four-year-old girl!"

> 'The nail
>that sticks up gets hammered down!'"
>

Crow: Wow. He summed up Japan in one sentence. I'm impressed.
Mike: It's from the Reader's Digest condensed atlas. Surprisingly
effective.

>"And we have a saying back at the United States you should know
>about," snapped back Daria.
>
>"And what's that?," demanded Gen. Torymura.
>

Crow: "Gotta Catch 'Em All" - oh wait, that's yours, too.

>"'Up yours!,'" shouted Daria.
>

Tom: It's "Independence Day" all over again...
Crow: There are Horatio Alger novels with more plot twists than
this story!

>Gen. Torymura seemed to blow a fuse.
>

Crow: Somebody must have stuck a penny in his ear.

>"Daria, that was uncalled for!", Luna said,

Crow: In all fairness, the general was screaming at her for no reason.
Tom: Oh, Crow, they were doing nothing for no reason for so long.
At least doing something for no reason gives us a target to
spit at.

> dropping her
>reservations about speaking when strangers were about.
>

Mike: After all, surely the military wouldn't possibly have any
interest in a talking cat.

>"You listen and you listen good, all of you!," said Gen.
>Torymura.

Tom: [Torymura] When I was five my family was killed by a
talking cat!

> "You will co-operate with us, or you will never get
>out of all the possible legal trouble you could face!"
>

Mike: [Torymura] Even Johnny Cochran won't save you!
Crow: You know, it's possible the new emperor and his right-wing
junta will have better things to do than continue your
legal vendetta.

>Daria seized Gen. Torymura by his lapels and threw him against
>the wall.
>

Tom: He must have been singing Anthony Newley songs.
Crow: Or made a pun.

>"Now you listen to me, Sir!," growled Daria. "I've got a friend
>on board that JAL flight and I'm scared for her!

Mike: What if her seat doesn't really double as a floatation device?

> For the first
>time in my life, I'm worried for my family back home!

Mike: Why does everyone just *assume* this plane's heading for
Lawndale?!?
Crow: Well, you know what they say about people who assume, Mikey.

> The last
>thing I need is your military crap!

Tom: [Daria] We're perfectly happy with our civilian crap, thank
you very much!

> We'll stop the NIRAA from
>blowing up Tokyo and maybe get your precious Neo-Zero back, but
>we want to play by our rules!

Mike: [Daria] So anything below the belt is fair game, body
checking scores bonus points, and kilts are *required*.
Got it?

> Adults screw up things a lot as it
>is!

Crow: Oh, yes, "Lord of the Flies" was such a social utopia!

> And the last thing I need is some holier-than-thou flag
>officer in my face!"
>

Crow: Okay, why exactly is Daria talking like David Hackworth?
Mike: Hackworth talks about adults screwing things up?
Crow: Okay, why is Daria talking like David Hackworth, as if he
was written by Judy Blume?

>Daria let go of him and he seemed to slink to the floor.

Mike: She browbeats Norman Schwarzkopf! o/~ La-la, LA-la la! o/~

> He got
>us slowly.
>

Crow: [Torymura] I see. Ryu, prepare the firing squad.
Mike: [Daria] Oops!

>"Fine, do it your way," he finally conceded; "see if I care.

Crow: [distraught] I, I, I don't care, not at a-ahuh-ahuh-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

> I'm
>not going to argue with a bullheaded, hotheaded American gaijin-
>shojo with an attitude problem.

Crow: Man, this is awkward! Why can't he just come out and say he
likes her, and wants to take her out sometime?
Tom: Save'em both a lot of grief.

> I just hope to God you save our
>nation, that's all."
>

Mike: [Torymura] Aw, what the heck. I can just leave the safety
of the nation in the hands of some uberkinders. Always
worked before.

>Somehow, Daria had a humbling effect on Gen. Torymura.
>

Tom: Hm, try to push around superheroes and they push back!
Who'da thunk it?
Crow: Plus there's that whole "getting beat up by a girl" thing.

>"We'd better check the radar readings," he finally said.

Mike: And with the mention of his name, Gary Burghoff appeared.

> They
>left to go to the radar room.
>

Mike: You know guys, I don't even think the awesome power
of RADAR! could save this story.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Yoriko was now over Tokyo. She was trying to pick her first
>target. She saw the famed Sendai Hill Shrine ahead of her.
>

Tom: Or a scale model that looked vaguely like the Sendai Hill
Shrine. If you squinted. And ignored the wind-up toy cars
in the foreground.
Mike: Imperial Palace? Meiji Shrine? International
Exhibition Center? No, I'll go with Sendai Hill Shrine.

>"That will be my first target!," she said.
>

Crow: Oh, My First Target, the Fisher Price terrorist development
set for children 2 thru 4!

>She locked on the target on the fighter's HUD,

Mike: And received an Urban renewal grant.

> then pressed the
>fire button. One of the Neo-Sidewinders ejected from the fighter
>and flew straight for the shrine.
>

Mike: Sounds like force feedback Sidewinder.

>Yuuichirou saw the missile firing and ran to get Rei's
>grandfather. However, the missile was faster than him,

Tom: Wuss.

> and it
>blew the shrine to matchwood.
>

Mike: See, this is what I feel like doing every time Jehovah's
Witnesses are at my door.
Crow: Matchwood?
Tom: It's what you use to build matches.
Crow: Ahhhh.

>"DIRECT HIT!," Yoriko roared.
>

Tom: [Yoriko] Alright, I just wasted precious ammunition on a
defenseless Shinto shrine! This death plane rules!


>Yoriko then flew toward the Kuriles.

Mike: Maybe Larry and Moe will be there, too.

> The NIRAA had a secret base
>there, since it was in Russian jurisdiction, and Japan dared not
>try to follow here there.

Mike: Good thing the Russians don't really care about unauthorized
death planes flying about in their airspace.
Tom: Just give 'em a happy meal and a pair of Levi's and they'll
look the other way.

> Dr. Vander Helffen was supposed to
>meet her there.
>

Tom: But he never showed. The next day Yerko found a single red
rose on her pillow, and a note that drove her to tears.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The radar at the SDF/USAF base was tracking the movements of the
>Neo-Zero. It has just seen the attack.
>

Mike: Oh no! There was this blip, then that blip, and then the blip
flipped!

>"Sir," said the SDF private who was checking the radar for Gen.
>Torymura,

Mike: The General must be pretty big to show up on radar.

> "I believe that the fighter just attacked in the area
>of Sendai Hill."
>

Tom: Whoops! My mistake. It's attacking *Daisy* Hill. She must
really hate puppy farms.
Mike: Well, actually, the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm was turned into
a parking lot years ago...
Crow: We don't care, Mike.

>A sickening thought raced through Rei's mind when she heard that.
>

Tom: [Rei] Did Clinton say he wore Boxers or Briefs?

>"Oh, no! Not Grandpa!," she screamed. There was only one thing
>to do:

Mike: Steal a theory about comedy from an android named Carlton?
Crow: Call her broker and sell all the NeoZero stock!
Tom: Shout out lyrics from "H.M.S. Pinafore"?

> head back to the shrine.
>

Mike: Ha. I was closest.
Crow: They better get back to the shrine fast. The explosion
might have hurt the Holy Fire.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>When they got to the shrine, the TMPD as well as the Tokyo Fire
>Department were already on the scene.

Crow: Oh, no, the Great Fire is in flames, ladies in gentlemen!
Oh the humanity!

> Several TMPD officers were
>digging through the rubble when they pulled out Yuuichirou.

Tom: Otherwise known as "That guy whose name would never be a
"Wheel of Fortune" bonus puzzle.

> Rei
>ran up to him; he was barely alive.
>

Tom: Aw, don't worry. Rock stars always look like that before
the booze kicks in.

>"Yuuichirou," Rei said, "where's Grandpa? Is he alive?"
>
>"I don't know," was all he said. He blacked out.
>

Mike: All just another Thursday morning for "The Axl Rose of Japan".
Crow: [Rei] Gee, thanks for all the help, ya big load!

>"Get him to the hospital!," one of the TMPD officers sharply
>ordered a paramedic. Yuuichirou was taken away.
>

Tom: Wait, shouldn't you put him in an ambulance or something first?

>"We've found something!," said a firefighter.
>

Mike: [fireman] I think it's a lottery ticket! From last week!
Wanna check the numbers?

>Rei raced up to where the fireman was. They had unearthed
>something, all right.

Crow: Hey! Don't get snarky with us, author! We'll pull this
story right over to the curb!

> Rei stopped in her tracks when she saw
>what it was.

Crow: It's Richard Simmons!
All: AHHHHH!!!!

> It was the short, bald corpse of her grandfather,
>still clad in his priestly clothes.
>

Tom: Wow. Japan's so efficient, the dead bury themselves.

>She yelled, "Grandpa, it's me, Rei. Please tell me you're all
>right!" She began to shake the corpse.
>

Mike: Yeah. That'll help his catastrophic spinal injury.
Crow: [Rei] Tell me you put me back in the will!! C'mon,
throw me a bone here, old man!

>The firefighter looked for vital signs.

Crow: And tried to put his head back on his neck.

> "No pulse, no
>respiration," he said. " I'm sorry, Miss, but he's dead."
>

Mike: [Fireman] But maybe if you shake him a few more times,
he'll be OK.
Tom: [Fireman] And he's not in a happier place, 'cuz heaven's
a big buncha hooey! Have a nice day!

>Rei shrieked with a loud "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!," and began to cry
>uncontrollably.

Mike: Oh, I know this commercial. He's being buried with his Lexus.

> Daria went up to her and let her rest her head
>on her shoulder.
>

Mike: [Daria] I'm sorry and all, but you're getting mascara all
over this stupid fuku.
Crow: Shouldn't one of Rei's friends be doin' that?
Tom: Mm, they're probably off getting some Sailor Soft Drinks.

>"I'm very sorry, Rei," Daria said, and for the first time in her
>teenage life, she was beginning to cry herself. She never felt
>anything like this before.
>

Tom: Considering she never felt anything before, that's quite
some accomplishment.
Mike: [Daria] Um... look, why don't we mourn from, like, back
there? Where the stench of Cajun blackened grandpa isn't
quite so thick?

>"Grandpa," Rei began to say, "I will avenge your death! I will
>not rest until I've destroyed whoever did this to you!"
>

Tom: I smell a spin-off...
Crow: [Rei] And understand I'm engaging in hyperbole here. I mean,
I will *rest* from time-to-time. And I can't miss "Judging
Amy" Tuesdays at 9. She's so plucky!

>Usagi and the other Sailor Senshi began to cry as well. Mamoru
>gripped his gloved hands in fists of rage.
>

Tom: o/~ No angel born in hell/could break this Satan spell! o/~

>"Do not worry, Rei," he said to himself, "the Sailor Senshi and I
>will help you in this! This I swear!"
>

Tom: [Usagi] Ahem. I *am* the leader of the group, you clod.
Crow: [Mamoru] Sorry, ma'am.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A couple of hours had passed in the lavatory where Ami was being
>held prisoner.

Mike: Boy, on my last temp job, if you stayed in the can more than 5
minutes, they docked your pay!

> Ami had apparently fallen asleep,


Mike: Great. Even the author's not sure about the character's
condition.
Crow: Relax, Mike. She's just trapped in Schrodinger's Lavatory.
> for then she
>saw a strange light, and someone standing next to her.
>

Crow: Oh, good. Seven of Nine's beamed in to rescue her.
Tom: In this story? Hey, why not?!
Mike: Now all they need is Agent Scully, Duncan MacLeod, Sonic the
Hedgehog and Buffy to reach Crossover Nirvana.

>"Who are you?," she asked.
>

Tom: [Falsetto, British] I am the Spirit of Christmas Past! Come
with me Amineezer Scrooge!

>"I am the spirit of Hino Rei's mother," the apparition said.

Crow: [ghost] These are the moronic plot contrivances I forged
in life!

> "My
>beloved daughter prayed to me and asked me to help you.

Mike: [ghost] And I missed a Buddy Holly concert for this, so you
better appreciate it!

> I will
>grant you your deepest, fondest wish in your heart."
>

Mike: [Ami] Great, but how will having the members of 98 Degrees in
a hot tub filled with jello solve anything?

>"I wish I had my Sailor Mercury powers back so I can save the
>passengers."
>

Tom: [Ami] Well, the rest of'em, anyway.

>"So it shall be done."

Crow: So when you die, you can grant wishes? Genies are just ghosts?
Tom: Barbara Eden was playing a member of the undead?
Mike: Boy, that guy on "My Mother the Car" got really gypped then.

> With a wave of her hand,

Tom: And a wiggle of the nose, and a nod of the head.

> the ghost
>imparted energy into Ami, and automatically she began the
>transformation to Sailor Mercury.

Crow: But halfway through, something went horribly wrong, and she
wound up as - THE BRIDE OF THE FLY!!!

> Now with new-found strength,
>Ami kicked down the door.
>

Tom: Since when is super-strength one of her powers?
Mike: Maybe she was sent Superman's powers instead.

>Akbar heard it, and roared, "What's going on?"
>

Tom: [Ami] The holy ghost of Missus Santa Claus gave me the
strength of Cleopatra Jones!

>"You evil man!," shouted Ami. "I will not allow you to carry out
>your plan!

Mike: [Akbar] Um, there's no plan, really. I'm kinda wingin' it here.

> I am Super Sailor Mercury, Champion of Love and
>Justice!

Mike: Isn't Usagi the champion of love and justice?
Crow: They take turns.
Tom: [stewardess] Can I see your ticket please?
Crow: [Ami] Ticket? Um... well my alter ego has the ticket...

> In the name of Mercury, I will punish you!"
>

Crow: Of course, if he's as self-repressed as he appears, he might
actually like that sort of thing.

>"The only one who will be punished here will be you, infidel!,"
>roared back Akbar. "And Allah's punishment is the worst of all!

Tom: [Joe DeRita] He'll give you suuuuuch a piiiiiinch!

>He will condemn you to Hell, you Satan!" With that, he lunged
>for Sailor Mercury and applied a chokehold on her.
>

Mike: Terrorist training by the LAPD.
Crow: Wow. Ami's about as good in a fight as the average
stormtrooper.
Tom: Let's get out of here...

>-----------------------------------------------------------------

From mblackwl@ix.netcom.com Sun May 21 21:16:27 2000


[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]

[The Bridge of the SoL]
[Crow is alone, talking into the handset of a small black phone.]

Crow: [mumbling] Come on, come on. Answer alr... [normal voice]
Oh, hi Brittany! It's me, Crow. No, no! Don't hang up!
Look, I just wanted to talk. I've been doing a lot of
thinking. You know. About us. I... I think that maybe
we might be able to get back together. Make a new start
of it, just you and...
[Tom enters, whistling tunelessly.]
Crow: [hurriedly] I'llcallyoubackBye.
[Crow quickly slams the phone down.]
Crow: Oh, hi Tom! How are you?
Tom: Fine. Just fine. Say, who were you talking to on the
phone?
Crow: No one! No one at all! What makes you think that I
was on the phone?
Tom: I don't know. Maybe because you were talking into
the handset when I walked in?
Crow: Talking? Tom, don't be silly! I wasn't talking
into the phone, I was, er, talking to the phone.
Yeah. We're having an illicit affair, and you found
me out.
Tom: Right. Really, who were you...
[As Tom speaks, Mike, with a huge grin on his face, enters
the bridge, dressed like a circus ringmaster. Tom and
Crow's discussion peters out as Mike poses in front of
the doors to the theater.]
Crow: Um, hi Mike.
Mike: [grandly] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
robots, nanites and beings of all ages. Michael
J. Nelson Enterprises is proud to present The
All-New, All-Improved, Never Seen Before, The
Ninth Wonder of the Universe, the brand-spanking
new, Neo-Satellite of Love!
[Mike pauses, expecting applause. The bots stare at him.]
Crow: The Neo-Satellite of Love?
Mike: Yes, the Neo-Satellite of Love!
[He pauses for applause again. Still nothing.]
Tom: I'll bite. Mike? What's so special about the
Satellite now?
Mike: You mean aside from being the all new, Neo-Satellite
of Love?
Tom: Yes.
Mike: Well, the Satellite of Love has been improved to
better perform its duties!
Crow: Uh huh. How?
Mike: I've spent a great deal of time and effort making
this Satellite into the epitome of advanced
space station technology! Those weasels on the
Mir have *nothing* on us!
Tom: And you did this, how exactly?
Mike: Well, let's start over here with the advanced Neo
control system!
[Mike moves over to the control console.]
Mike: See?
Crow: It's our control console.
Tom: With the word "Neo" before it.
Mike: No! It's more than that! Look! See?
Crow: It's not any different than it was yesterday.
Mike: Yes it is! Look at the steering wheel! I put
one of those fur covers on it so it'll be nice
and cool in the summer.
Tom: Well, I guess that's an improvement...
[Mike walks to the right of the screen, stopping beneath
the window.]
Mike: And look over here at the Neo Window. I've added
this decal of a bat to the window so that the
alien space bats won't try to fly through it.
Crow: That seems like a good idea...
Mike: And over here, on the Neo Wall, I've built this
little cabinet so you can have a place to store
your Neo Hummels!
Tom: Wow. That way when the ships gets rocked by
alien attackers, the Hummels will be okay!
Mike: Yep! And...
[Mike over to the holo gazebo, whose doors are currently
open and tinny music is pouring out of the doors. Mike
stares at the gazebo doors uncertainly.]
Mike: Um, guys? Why is there a tentacle inching out
of the gazebo?
Crow: Oh, that's just the "Candyland of Cthulthu"
scenario.
Mike: Uh-huh.
[Mike hesitates for a moment, then quickly hits the
control panel to shut the gazebo doors. He then shudders
for a moment, then rapidly crosses the bridge to stand
before the doors to the theater.]
Mike: And here, here is my grand masterpiece! I have
completely redesigned the door system leading to
the theater!
Crow: You mean you've figured out a way to keep them
from opening so we don't have to go in there?
Mike: [pause] Oh. I suppose that might have been a
good idea.
[Mike pauses for a second or two more, then shakes
his head and resumes talking.]
Mike: No, what I've done is even better! I've
redesigned all the doors. Nope! No longer will
we merely walk through to the doors to get to
the theater! Nope! Instead we'll have to swim
through a moat of Yoo-Hoo to get through one
of the doors. Then we'll need to finish a
game of Reach for the Stars to get through
another one...
Tom: Mike?
Mike: And then, you'll have to slamdance with Rod
Stewart to get through another...
Crow: Mike?
Mike: And then, to get through the next one, you'll
have to help the giks disseminate...
Bots: MIKE!
Mike: What?
Crow: This is all really nice but...
Tom: Really, we liked the place the way it was.
Crow: And that door thing sounds like an awful lot of
work, especially for something that we really
don't want to do.
Tom: So, can you change it back? Please?
Mike: But, but I didn't even get to tell you about
the "Kill a Guy" game I built.
Crow: It sounds nice, Mike, but we're going to
pass on it.
Mike: Oh, all right.
[Mike dejectedly exits, stage right.]
Tom: Poor guy. He means so well.
Crow: Yep. Still, what a bunch of stupid ideas, huh?
Tom: Hey, just be thankful he never got around to
trying to improve us.
Crow: [shudders] Good point.
[Gypsy enters, stage left.]
Tom: Hey Gyps.
Gypsy: Hrmph hrho.
Crow: Is something wrong?
[Gypsy nods, and opens her mouth to reveal dozens and
dozens of small, metallic, shark-like teeth that have
been inserted into her mouth.]
Crow: Let me guess, Neo-Gypsy, right?
Gypsy: Hrmph hrmph.
[The misery light begins to flash again.]
Tom: We'll have Mike fix you right up, just as soon
as we deal with MISERY SIGN! AHHH!!!!
[As the bots rush around, the usual door sequence
begins.]


[6. . . 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2. . . 1. . . ]

[Mike and the robotic duo enter and sit.]
Mike: I just thought she'd talk better with teeth. Is
that so wrong?
Crow: Yes.
Tom: Terribly, horribly wrong.


>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 6: Enter the Solar Warrior
>

Tom: Um, I think he already did that a couple "datas" ago.

>Ieyasu was watching the latest reports on both the JAL hijacking
>and the Neo-Zero attack.

Crow: [Ieyasu] Oh my, "Touched By An Angel" sure is different
tonight.

> He looked outside toward the Nick that
>was in the backyard.
>

Mike: Mr. Faldo, could you stop practicing your drives for a moment?

>"Somehow, my old friend," he began to say to himself, "we might
>have to fly one more mission together."
>

Tom: He's gonna fly Nicholas Cage into battle? That'd be cool!

>The NHK anchorperson was continuing his report:
>

Mike: [anchor] And so the fluffy kitten purred all the way home!

>"In reaction to these latest developments, Tokyo-to Governor
>Nagai Kenji had this to say:"
>

Crow: [Nagai] AHHH!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!

>"This unprovoked attack on our own citizens by this terrorist
>organization is highly outrageous and receives my strongest
>condemnation," Gov. Nagai began to say;

Mike: Yeah, like "official condemnation" is gonna make them turn
themselves in!
Crow: He must have been with the brave coward strike squad way
back at the beginning.

> "I an calling on the
>government to investigate this matter and to check into SDF
>security procedures as soon as this crisis is over."
>

Mike: Now, wait. The sign on the hangar door clearly said,
"Authorized Personnel Only".
Tom: If terrorists refuse to follow the rules, you can't hold
the SDF responsible!

>The anchorperson added after that:
>

Mike: The Governor was obviously drunk on sake when he made
that statement, so please disregard it.

>"The latest NHK/Yorimuri Shimbun poll now indicates that Gov.
>Nagai now enjoys a comfortable 32 percent margin over his nearest
>Liberal Democratic and Socialist opponents."

Crow: [anchor] But he still trails former pro sumo wrestler
Jesse "The Body" Matsumora.

> He then paused as
>he received some word over his earphone.

Tom: [anchor] Really? Is it sheer?

> "We had just received a
>message from the person claiming to be responsible for this
>attack.

Mike: [anchor] He claims, quote, "Your... fly... is... open."

> We are now playing this audiotape as per the person's
>request."
>
>The tape began playing:

Tom: o/~ My name is KIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
ROCK! banga-banga-bang-bang... o/~
Crow: Great. MTV can't even keep from pre-empting a
Daria fan fic.

>
>"This is Amazana

Tom: dot com

> Yoriko of the New Imperial Rule Assistance
>Association.

All: Hi, Yoriko!

> We have the Neo-Zero prototype and we are not
>afraid to use it.

Tom: And, as you know, your weapons are useless against it!

> We demand that the civilian government
>immediately surrender to us, or else another ward of Tokyo will
>be bombed by the Neo-Zero prototype every three hours.

Crow: Dick Grayson and Roy Harper are quickly herded into bomb
shelters!

>Furthermore, all SDF and American military bases will also be
>attacked.

Crow: And Payless Shoes? Pft! Gone in a heartbeat!

> I urge the civilian government to do the right thing

Tom: A Spike Lee Joint.

>and surrender. That is all."
>

Tom: [Yoriko] Oh, and son of Jor-el? You will bow down before
me. So there.

>"NHK will continue to update you on this situation," added the
>anchorperson.
>
>Ieyasu turned off his TV. Now it was only a matter of time.

Mike: Soon, yet another episode of Dharma and Greg would
air. He was sure the terrorists would strike then.

> He
>went to the family shrine and knelt before it. He grabbed a
>samurai sword that had been in his family for over ten
>generations and offered it up to the shrine.

Tom: Had to replace the handle, of course. And the blade.

> "Spirits of my
>ancestors, hear me!

Crow: Thankfully, he purchased the "divine tech support" package
last time he was at Fry's.

> I will not return this sword to its place
>until I either have vanquished those who threaten our nation or
>until it is presented as an offering to my departed soul.

Crow: Or until "Smiley Happy Play-time Death Quiz" comes on at 8.

> I nay
>not survive this attack, but I know that I will go to a far
>better place than this."

Mike: I mean, it'd almost *have* to be, right?

> With that, he also grabbed the
>ceremonial Kamikaze headband which he wore during his service in
>World War II and wrapped it around his forehead.

Tom: Grandpa, that's a strip of raw bacon!
Crow: [Ieyasu] Oh-ho! Thank God! I thought that was sweat for
second.

> His wife,
>Natsume, saw what was going on, and approached him.
>
>"What is the meaning of this?," she asked.
>

Crow: [Ieyasu] Jeez, honey, I told you about the Dubya Dubya II
Recreation Club, didn't I?

>"Our nation is in peril once again, and I must answer the call to
>duty," was all he said as he went to the backyard. Natsume stood
>there in shock.

Tom: [Natsume] Yeah, yeah, anything to keep from having to take out
the trash!

> "The gods protect him!," was all she said.
>

Tom: So, this is Japan, Mike? Half the country swearing revenge
against the other half?
Crow: Superheroes with training bras?
Tom: Or without them?
Crow: Old folks flying dangerously obsolete planes into battle?
Tom: Folks sleeping in dresser drawers all over the place?
Crow: Pachinko parlors swallowing the Gross National Product?
Mike: Yeah. It's pretty much like this. Except the real Japan
has pockey.
Bots: Ooh!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>It was not long before the next attack did occur--on Shinjuku.
>

Crow: No, not Shinjuku! [aside to Tom] What's Shinjuku?
Tom: I dunno. Probably a porn shop or somethin'.
Mike: Okay, when the NeoZeoOreo shows up here to bomb the crap
out of *us*, don't expect me to buy the "surprised" act.

>The Sailor Senshi were on patrol in the area. Sailor Moon, Luna,
>Artemis and Tuxedo Mask were in front, the rest behind.
>

Crow: You know, Japan's a big place. Maybe they should've split up,
or something.

>"Keep an eye out for the jet," Tuxedo Mask said. "We don't know
>when another attack could occur."
>

Crow: Hey! Drudge is reporting that the attack will happen in
two minutes!

>Daria was right behind Sailor Moon. All she could think of right
>now was that Ami was in danger on board the JAL plane;

Mike: That, and a great big sausage roll, with lotsa extra sauce
on the side.

> Rei had
>suffered the loss of her grandfather;

Crow: The funeral home lost him already?! Man, that's just negligent!

> and her own family was
>probably at risk at home.

Tom: And Minako had that really nasty hangnail.
Mike: Again I ask - why is everyone assuming the plane's heading
straight for Lawndale?!?
Tom: Why would the terrorists bomb New York, Miami or Washington
when Lawndale looms like an unplucked jewel on the horizon?
Crow: Plus O'Hare is already overcrowded.
Mike: Oh, in that case, it - huh?

> This wasn't what she had in mind when
>she decided to go to Tokyo.
>

Mike: Actually, it was - she just never thought it could be this good.
Crow: We now return you to "Misery Bunt Cake Neo-Sporin and Treacle".

>"Pay attention, Daria!," Sailor Jupiter said as she elbowed Daria
>in the back.
>

Mike: [Mako] Do we have to send you to Sailor cram school?
Tom: Elbowed her in the back. So are they back to back, or
did Jupiter turn around specifically to elbow Daria? Or -
Mike: Let it go, Tom. Let it go.

>"I'm sorry, Mako, but I was distracted," replied Daria.
>

Crow: [Mako] Well, okay. I guess we'll just have to staple
your eyes open then...

>Towering above Daria were the skyscrapers of Shinjuku, the
>Japanese equivalent of Wall Street.

Mike: Porn shop.
Bots: Hey!
Mike: D'oh!

> Daria could see such
>buildings as the Mitsubishi Building, the Tokyo Stock Exchange,
>the Mitsui Building and the Matsushita Building.

Crow: The Malamute Building.
Mike: The Marmalade Building.
Tom: The Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing Manipulating Massive
Meteors Mama Malapropos Building.

> Somehow the
>image lent itself of a forest of concrete and steel trees; as in
>any forest, there were unseen dangers lurking.
>

Tom: She could be anywhere! The Miscohikini Building, the
Mitsimanamoto Building... even the Miskinippijekylmnoqrtuvwxyz
Building!

>Suddenly, it streaked out of nowhere.

Mike: [Ray Stevens] An' ah hollered over at Ethel and said "DON'T LOOK
ETHEL!" but ittuz too late! She'd dun got neo-mooned!

> It was the Neo-Zero
>prototype! It was at its top speed of Mach 2.5.
>

Mike: Mach 2.5, for a close, comfortable shave.
Crow: Then it crashed into the Manongahelamoto Building, poor bastard.

>"Heads up!," Sailor Moon yelled.

Tom: And it was immediately sliced off by the wings.
Crow: Thank goodness she warned them of that supersonic jet
buzzing overhead, or they'd have surely missed it!

> With that, she grabbed her old
>Moon Scepter with the Silver Imperium Crystal in it and pointed
>it at the prototype.
>

Crow: "Plane". P-L-A-N-E, "Plane".

>"On my mark, attack!," she yelled.
>

Tom: Messier or the apostle?
Crow: Same thing, really.

>Yoriko, in the cockpit, just snickered to herself. She had taken
>a portable CD player with her, and curiously enough, she had
>Soundgarden's "Down on the Upside" album in it.

Tom: You don't say! What an odd thing, to have broken your vinyl
LP to fit in your CD player! That is curious! Thanks for
sharing!

> She turned it on
>and began playing "Ty Cobb".
>

Mike: Tommy Lee Jones' melodious voice filled the cockpit.

>"Let's rock!," she growled.
>
>The growly voice of Chris Cornell slammed into Yoriko like a ton
>of bricks:
>

Tom: [Cornell] Hi! And welcome to the Satellite News...

>"I am sittin' in a magic hat/With smoke and mirrors/And tire
>rubber fires/Watch me disappear!/

Crow: Dude, sounds like some primo weed man!

> Yeah, yeah, yeah!/

Tom: o/~ He jock it made of steel o/~

> What made it
>slow you down/Sucking on a ball and chain/

Tom: Oh, he's teething! No wonder he's so cranky!

> Another motherfucker
>goes down the drain!/

Mike: o/~ Call Roto-Rooter, that's the name...o/~

> Yeah, yeah, yeah!/Hardheaded, fuck you
>all!/

Crow: Wow. I'm beginning to regret sending this CD to Queen
Elizabeth last Christmas.

> Hardheaded, fuck you all!/Hardheaded, fuck you all!/

Mike: Uh-huh. But how do you really feel?
Tom: Yeah. Don't sugarcoat it.

> Just add
>it on to the hot rod death toll!/Hardheaded, fuck you
>all!/Hardheaded, fuck you all!/

Mike: I think this song needs a hook.
Crow: My, that nice Ricky Martin sure seems angry.
Tom: He got tired of being pigeon-holed.

> Hardheaded, fuck you all!/Just add
>it on to the hot rod death toll!"
>

Tom: No way mister! You ain't paid last month's hot rod death
toll yet!

>Somehow every time she heard this song, Yoriko had this mental
>image of Ty Cobb chasing people with a big baseball bat and
>beating their brains out with it.

Mike: And she never sought help? That's just wrong!
Crow: What does that song have to do with Ty Cobb?
Tom: Well, it's named after him of course.

> She squeezed her fingers over
>the trigger for the Deathgrip cannon and began to fire.
>

Tom: [Beavis] FIRE!! FIRE! Heheheh...
Mike: Tom, please don't invoke them like that.

>"GO TO HELL, BASTARDS!", she roared.
>

Crow: [Yoriko] Sorry! I mean, "Please, if you would be so kind as to
proceed to hell in a quiet and orderly manner!"

>The bullets tore through the air like hot needles through butter.

Crow: That image is very evocative of - well, not much.
Mike: Well, you know what they say - a bad metaphor is like
bathtub full of powertools.

>Panic had seized the people inside the office buildings, for now
>they were emptying and people were running in terror, straight
>for the Sailor Senshi.
>

Mike: [Falsetto] Hey look, it's the Powerpuff Girls!
All: [Falsetto] YEEEEEAAHHH!!!! WE WANT AUTOGRAPHS!

>"Citizens, please calm down!," Sailor Moon implored, but to no
>avail.

Mike: [Usagi] It's perfectly safe. Um, you *are* impervious
to bullets, right?

> The Sailor Senshi saw themselves jostled by the fleeing
>populace.

Tom: Well, this is an odd time to have an out-of-body
experience.

> It was all in vain.
>

Crow: Good, does that mean we can stop reading now?

>Yoriko used the HUD to aim one of the Neo-Sidewinders at the
>Matsushita Building.

Tom: No, that's the Mescalinohoto Building! Matsubooki's three
doors down!

> She fired one of them, and the building was
>blown to pieces!
>

Mike: Occupants of the nearby Hitler building felt a wave
of relief, but they knew that their time would soon come.

>The force of the explosion knocked Sailor Moon to the ground.
>Daria helped her up.
>

Tom: [Daria] At least I can stay upright, you top-heavy cow.

>"This is sheer madness!," Sailor Moon yelled.
>

Mike: Oh, but turning alien witches to dust with your magic wand
is normal.

>"Right now, we've got to try and stop the attack," Daria yelled
>back.
>

Mike: Once again, Daria's razor-sharp mind comes into play.
Tom: [Usagi] Gasp! She's right! If we could stop it somehow,
perhaps the situation would improve!

>Yoriko was flying for another pass, with the Deathgrip cannon
>roaring again. Several people were cut down like grass from the
>deadly fusillade of bullets.
>

Tom: [dramatic] Lawnmower of the Gods!

>Sailor Moon now knew it was now or never. She pointed her
>scepter at the jet fighter.
>

Crow: As opposed to before, when she could've prevented the
slaughter. Good plan.
Tom: [Sailor Moon] You better stop that, you - you - you meanie!

>"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!," she yelled.
>

Mike: She's attacking with bad breath?

>The powerful beam issued from her scepter, but was easily
>deflected by the Neo-Zero's radar-absorbing skin.
>

Tom: So how does a radar-absorber deflect a pure magic attack?
Mike: Hey, if it was built to defeat RADAR! it can beat anything.

>It was now Sailor Mars' turn. She was going to use her new "Mars
>Fireball Attack" to bring down the plane.
>

Crow: She'll call upon the guidance of Tim Burton and then
the theaters will empty across the land, and the enraged
patrons will surely smite the plane!

>"This is for you, Grandpa!," she screamed, then said "SUPER MARS
>FIREBALL, FLAME UP!"

Crow: Rei? Stan Lee and Johnny Storm are on Line 2.

> Two fireballs issued from her hands, and
>struck squarely on the cockpit.

Tom: [chuckling] Two round globes striking the cockpit. That's
subtle.
Crow: Read between the lines, kids!

> But the plane didn't even suffer
>a scratch.
>

Mike: Because of RADAR!
Tom: In fact it was smiling and lighting a cigarette!

>What no one noticed in all the confusion was that Tetsuo was in
>the area, and had seen all that had happened.

Tom: He was probably heading down to the Quicky Mart for some
illegal fireworks.

> Now he was in a
>side street, raising his hands in supplication to the Sun.
>

Mike: This is no time for a tanning session!

>"Amaterasu-Omikami, give thee they mortal servant the power of
>the Solar Warrior!," he yelled.
>

Crow: With a problem like this, perhaps he should be calling
a professional Omikami.

>The flames of power engulfed him again, and the Solar Warrior
>emerged.
>

Mike: Watch out guys, the symbolism's pretty thick around here.
Crow: So couldn't you avoid the Solar Warrior by just stealing
stuff at night?
Mike: Hm. I'm not sure it works that way.

>Daria thought she could stop the plane with her own powers, or at
>least give it a try.
>

Tom: Do or do not. Or just mope about.

>"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," she yelled.
>
>A stream of ice gushed forth, and even managed to coat the plane,
>but the engines were just too warm for it to last. The ice
>rapidly melted.
>
>"Dammit!," Daria snarled.
>

Crow: [Daria] Freezing, frying, and dusting don't work! What's
left?
Tom: [Minako] Well, we haven't quivered in fear yet, we could
try that.
Mike: Thankfully, a dove flies by, gets sucked into the engine,
and the plane plummets and burns.

>Yoriko fired another Neo-Sidewinder, this time taking out the
>Tokyo Stock Exchange.
>

Tom: You know, this may adversely effect the Nikkei Industrial
Average.
Crow: Eh. It was all just paper value anyway.

>"God, how I love the smell of burning concrete and steel in the
>morning!," she roared in pride.
>

Tom: I didn't know concrete burned.
Crow: They used that cheap American paper-based concrete.

>Somehow, to Daria, this whole scene was beginning to look like
>something out of "Apocalypse Now."

Crow: As would be implied by the line just plagiarized!
Tom: Nearby, Martin Sheen was babbling. "Shinjuku. I can't believe
I'm back in Shinjuku."

> If only either The Doors'
>"The End" or Richard Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" was playing
>in the background, it would be eerily complete.
>

Crow: But since only "Mambo Number 5" was playing, things just
seemed rather goofy.

>But now the Solar Warrior appeared out of nowhere, and stood up
>on some debris.
>

Tom: [Solar Warrior] Hey, I can see the ruins of my house from here!

>"Miscreant!,"

Mike: She's more of a malcontent than a miscreant, isn't she?
Tom: Huh, I had her pegged for a rapscallion.
Crow: You're both wrong! She's obviously a cretin.

> he yelled; "Cease this useless attack!

Tom: Tutsu, there comes a time to start taking the crook seriously!

> I am the
>Solar Warrior, servant to Amaterasu-Omakami, Goddess of the Sun
>and Protector of the Japanese! In the name of the Sun, you will
>be judged!"
>

Mike: My use of quaint, old-fashioned speech modes will protect
me from your honking big guns!

>Sailor Moon couldn't realize what was happening first. To be
>fair, no one did.
>

Tom: And so the entire fanfic is summed up in one simple statement.

>Yoriko saw the Solar Warrior and sneered.
>

Crow: [Yoriko] This super-powered, immortal thinks he can harm ME?!

>"SEE YOU IN HELL, BASTARD!",

Crow: Apparently, she's got frequent flyer miles to burn.

> she roared as she fired the
>Deathgrip cannon again. The bullets, however, bounced off the
>Solar Warrior's armor.

Mike: Ripping through a school bus full of nuns and orphans,
but hey, they're not Sailor Senshi, so we'll just ignore
them.

> The Solar Warrior then pointed his
>gauntlets at the craft.
>

Tom: The die has been cast, will Yoriko take up his gage?

>"SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE ATTACK!," he screamed.
>

Mike: Man, these guys are gonna be chugging lemon tea and
Chloraseptic for weeks.

>The fiery energy discharged and hit the jet fighter squarely in
>the port engine.

Crow: [Mitchell] Port? You got port?

> Yoriko was seen reeling.
>

Mike: Virginia Reeling, in fact!
Crow: Well, turn your plane and dosido, change pilots and promenade!

>"Dammit, dammit, dammit!," she screamed. She had difficulty
>stabilizing her flight, but managed to succeed. She began to
>limp back to the secret base in the Kuriles.
>

Tom: After all, the Neo-Zero can fly with only one engine.
Crow: [Yerko] SEE YOU IN HELL! But first, dinner and a cocktail. Bye!

>Sailor Moon and the others stood there in shock for a few
>minutes.

Mike: [Usagi] No point pursuing her. We'll wait 'til she rains
fiery death on some other city.

> They couldn't believe what they just seen.

Crow: Well, they're not alone.

> The Solar
>Warrior turned to them and said, "She won't be bothering anyone
>for a while."
>

Mike: Just until she's done getting her plane fixed and refueled,
then it's back to terrorism!

>"Who are you?," Sailor Moon recovered enough to ask.
>

Tom: What do you want?

>"I am the Solar Warrior," he began to reply, "servant to
>Amaterasu-Omakami, Goddess of the Sun and Protector of Japan.

Crow: And I'm your Met-Life representative!

> I
>do know about you, Sailor Moon, or shall I call you Tsukino
>Usagi, or even yet Princess Serenity?"
>

Mike: So I guess the whole secret identity thing is really just
a courtesy, huh?

>"How--how do you know?," Sailor Moon wanted to know.
>

Crow: [Solar] Oh please. Do you know how many websites there
are about you?

>The Solar Warrior continued, "I am the last surviving member of
>the old Solar Realm that existed tens of thousands of years ago
>in what was known as the Golden Epoch.

Mike: He's aged well.
Crow: He eats all his veggies.

> My race was old when
>yours was not even established yet.

Tom: Oh great, here we go with the old 'my race was old before
yours was not even established yet' bit.

> I assure you that I am on
>your side in this battle."
>

Crow: [Solar] You guys *are* evil, right?

>Luna, ever the doubting Thomas, said, "Prove it."
>

Tom: [Solar] Look at my American Express card. See? "Member
since the Golden Epoch."

>The Solar Warrior produced an old relic:

Mike: Wow! Dick Clark's report card from elementary school!

> a Moon Kingdom
>Medallion of Valor, the highest award that was ever given by that
>old dominion.
>

Crow: The Moon Kingdom was in Virginia?
Mike: That puts the whole "Marrissa" storyline in a scary new light.

>"This was once given to my by Queen Serenity for services
>rendered in stopping a Mecha-Dominion attack against her realm.

Mike: [Solar] I bought it at a pawn shop for six bucks. Cool, huh?

>This was long before you were born, Sailor Moon."
>

Tom: This guy's stiffer than a frozen fishstick!

>Sailor Moon and Luna both saw it. "No doubt it is the real
>thing," Luna finally said.

Crow: Oh, yeah, the *band* No Doubt's the real thing. This guy?
We gotta keep an eye on him.

> "Very well, we will accept you as an
>ally for now."
>

Tom: [Luna] This obscure hunk of metal has me firmly convinced!

>"I'd better be going," the Solar Warrior said, then departed.
>

Mike: That's just what I like in a hero. He says what he'll do
and then he does it.
Crow: [Luna] We never even thanked him. And look! He left
behind a silver stuffed shirt!

>Daria seemed to be strongly drawn to the Solar Warrior, but
>didn't know why. Was it that he alone was fighting for his
>nation where everyone else was running, or that he seemed to be
>such a caring person as to risk all in saving complete strangers?

Tom: Or was it his really cute butt? She just wasn't sure.

>This person wasn't like the students back home in Lawndale, the
>typical dumb jocks and airheads who put down brainy people like
>her.
>

Crow: Solar Warrior: Friend to all nerdy children.

>"Daria, snap out of it!," Sailor Pluto said. "You're drifting
>again."
>

Mike: [Pluto] Drop anchor and issue a course correction immediately!

>"Sorry," replied Daria.
>

Crow: Good thing she didn't hear him mumbling "Huhuhuh, fire fire
fire!" as he left.
Mike: She's smitten by Al Gore as Iron Man! o/~ La-la, LA-la la! o/~

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Yoriko barely made it back to the secret base in the Kuriles.
>she jumped out of the cockpit and cursed her luck.
>

Tom: [Yoriko] It was very unfortunate they tried to stop my
killing spree! Perhaps next time they'll be distracted by a
burnt potato chip!

>"Get this prototype fixed up immediately!," she shrieked.
>

Crow: [Yoriko] SEE YOU IN THE CAFETERIA, YOU BASTARDS!
Mike: I bet it's tough getting parts for a prototype.
Tom: You probably have to order them special from Japan.

>Dr. Vander Helffen had just arrived, and he was not happy.
>

Tom: So, then, he was unhappy?
Crow: Let's not jump to conclusions.

>"What is the matter, Dr. Vander Helffen?," she asked.
>

Tom: It's my wife, Nick. I just can't bring her to org..
Mike: Turn that train around, Tom.
Tom: But the Zuckers can get away with it!

>"It's the 'Hi no Tori' immortality pills," he started.

Crow: So, Tori Spelling is the key to immortality?
Mike: Who knew?
Tom: [muttering] Hopefully not her father...

> "I'm
>almost out of them."
>

Tom: [Helffen] I need you to take the plane to the drug store
and pick me up a case. Oh, and blow it up when you're done.

>"WHAT!," Yoriko yelled.
>

Mike: This is what happens when you listen to loud music while
blowing up stuff.
Tom: Shoulda used some ear protection.

>"I've been having difficulties getting the ingredients to make
>more," he said,

Tom: [Helffen] Did you know they stopped making "Quisp"? I had
no idea!

> "and I don't know when they'll be available.

Tom: Yeah, who would have thought immortality pills would
be so popular?

> I
>have to make more, because if we miss even one dose, serious side
>effects from withdrawal will occur.

Crow: Some Hair Loss is normal in "Hi No Tori" use.
Mike: Less than 3% of "Hi No Tori" users developed painful, running
scabby sores on parts of their anatomy they'd be ashamed to
show their doctor.
Tom: If users of "Hi No Tori" should spontaneous transmogrify
into a giant robot, discontinue use and contact your
physician immediately.

> Please be patient with me,
>and I will make more."
>

Tom: [Yerko] Well! Then I guess I'll SEE YOU IN THE PHARMACY, YOU
BASTARD!

>Dr. Vander Helffen was buying some time,

Mike: Why buy it when you can lease it?
Crow: It costs more that way Mike! Those time dealers'll have the
shirt of your back before you know it!
Tom: Hehehe, poor saps. I get *my* time wholesale. Got a guy on the

inside.

> but even he knew that he
>had to make more soon,

Tom: As previously stated.

> for the pills had an addicting effect on
>whoever took them.

Crow: Yeah, immortality is habit-forming!

> Dr. Vander Helffen himself took another pill
>of his creation to counteract the addictive cravings, but he
>didn't give it to Yoriko; as long as she was addicted, she would
>remain loyal to him.
>

Tom: Wow! I woulda thought the immortality *alone* would be enough.
Crow: That is one ungrateful homicidal maniac, I tell ya.

>Yoriko, mad as ever, shrieked and stormed out of the landing
>area, punching out two ninja soldiers standing guard duty.
>

Tom: Ninja! It's Japanese for "cannon fodder"!
Mike: Soon, another pair of Old Navy Ninja Mittens will be made.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>She didn't know how long it was that Akbar had her in a
>chokehold,

Crow: Seems like a couple of chapters at least.

> but Ami somehow knew that she was on the verge of
>blacking out.

Tom: Were black spots flashing before her eyes like multitudes
of black butterflies?

> Akbar was yelling some nonsense or something,

Mike: Oh, wait. He's just singing that Bloodhound Gang song.

> but
>she was in such a oxygen-deprived stupor that it didn't make any
>sense.
>

Mike: You know, it may just be they're showing "Mighty Jack" as the
in-flight movie.
Tom: That would explain it.

>Suddenly, someone got out of his seat and took a tray, banging it
>against Akbar's head.

Crow: It's "Police Academy - Assignment Fanfic Patrol"!

> Akbar let go of Ami, took a knife from his
>belt, and threw it squarely into the heart of his attacker.

Mike: Thank you, nameless savior! But you have no superpowers, so
please leave the scene now!

> He
>fell dead, but it bought Ami some time.

Mike: Well of course. She'll have a lot of time to save the
plane if Akbar is dead.

> She got up and charged
>right at Akbar.
>

Crow: Charged? She's right there! Remember, the choking?

>They fell to the floor and rolled around, exchanging punches.

Crow: [Austin Powers] Ohhh, yeah, Ba-
Mike: Stop that.

>Akbar then got the upper hand, held Ami down and began to sucker
>punch her.
>

Crow: Eat it boy, eat it!
Tom: It's not a sucker punch if you see it coming.

>"YOU WILL DIE, YOU INFIDEL BITCH!," he yelled.
>

Crow: [Akbar] I see you dying in an old age home at age 87!
But you will be dead! At least until you reincarnate again!

>Ami summoned up enough courage and kneed Akbar in the crotch.
>Akbar was sent howling.
>

Tom: OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Werewolves of First Class!

>Now they stood glaring at each other. On one side was Mizuno
>Ami, the second of the Sailor Senshi to be discovered and veteran
>of numerous battles against evil;

Tom: Princess, Heir to the throne of Essex, Fighter Comman-
Crow: *AHEM!* Don't invoke something you're not willing to endure,
Servo!!

> at the opposite end was Akbar
>el-Salaam, the terrorist who had murdered countless Israelis and
>swore to destroying the modern Jewish state.

Tom: They'll be joined by Jon Davidson and Joyce DeWitt tonight
on $25,000 Pyramid!
Crow: I thought he was mad at Americans?

> Ami tried to think
>back to whether she was in so much danger.

Mike: [Ami] Hmmm, am I in danger now? Maybe...

> Never, she realized.

Tom: Ah - umm...
Mike: Don't even try, Tommy.

>Even the first battle against the Dark Kingdom was easy. But
>this was different: This was a mere mortal human,

Mike: Therefore it was harder. (stops) Huh?

> with only the
>hatred in his heart fueling his rage.
>

Crow: Just think, Mylanta could have solved all of this.

>"Give it up, Akbar! You can't win, and you know it!"
>

Tom: [Akbar] Oh, come on! I still have this neat plane. I
could probably take it to Vegas, pick up some chicks, fly'em
to Colorado- impress the hell out of'em!

>"NEVER!," yelled Akbar; "I WILL SACRIFICE THIS WHOLE SHIP IN THE
>NAME OF ALLAH!"
>

Mike: [Akbar] BUT FIRST I SHALL HAVE A QUICK BRUNCH!

>Ami took a look out a window. The West Coast of the United
>States was now visible,

Tom: He could tell because Gwyneth Paltrow's ego is visible from
36,000 feet.
Mike: By the way, who's flying the plane exactly?
Crow: Well... maybe Otto from the "Airplane" movies?

> and in due time they'd be over it. What
>was not known, however, was that in a couple of hours time they'd
>be over Lawndale.
>

Crow: Which is now apparently the center of the universe.

>"God, please don't let me die!," screamed the flight attendant.
>

Mike: She's only 17.

>"SILENCE!," roared Akbar.
>

Mike: [Akbar] IS GOLDEN!

>Ami knew that if she was going to stop Akbar, now was the time.

Tom: Once he crossed the American border, she couldn't touch him.

>Ami threw herself right against Akbar, and the both fell against
>the emergency hatch.

Tom: Which, in accordance to FAA regulations, flies open the
instant someone bumps their elbow against it.

>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>

Crow: And we quickly cut away before any of that distracting tension
could build.

>It was about an hour before kickoff, and already a huge crowd had
>filled the stands at the football field.

Tom: [yokel] So when does Truck-a-saurus come out? And where are the
flaming school busses Knievel's gonna jump?

> Jake, Helen and Quinn
>had grabbed good seats.
>

Mike: Tsk. A football stadium with only three good seats.
Tom: What were those designers thinking?

>"If only Daria was here right now," Jake said. "This is always
>her favorite time of the year."
>

Tom: Yeah, she's always so enthusiastic about sports and stuff.
Crow: [sighing] A Kitty Kelly biography would be truer to
Daria's character!

>Quinn was wearing a jacket so she wouldn't be too cold. But now
>the temperature was a bit warm, so she took it off.
>

Mike: Due to the graphic nature of the jacket removal scene,
parental discretion is advised.

>"Quinn, I hope the Fashion Club does well selling its goodies!,"
>Helen said.
>
>"We will, Mom," Quinn replied.
>

Tom: [Quinn] After all, everybody loves Doritos and Gummi Worms.

>Jane then showed up.

Mike: Evening everybody.
Bots: Jane!
Crow: How's the world treating you, Ms. Lane?
Mike: It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.

>
>"Jane," Quinn said, "You never show up for the big game! Why
>now?"
>

Crow: [Jane] What?! Is there something odd about me wanting to
see a football game?
Tom: [Quinn] Well....yeah!

>"Because," Jane replied, "someone's got to watch over you in case
>Beavis and Butt-Head try anything funny on you!"
>

Mike: She's certainly a loving person when Daria isn't around to
dominate her soul.
Crow: [Jane] And your parents are just a couple of irresponsible
lushes. [waves] Hey, Mr. Morgendorffer. Helen.

>Just as she said that, the familiar hideous laughter of Beavis
>and Butt-Head could be heard.
>
>"Uh, where's Diarrhea?," Butt-Head asked.
>

Tom: Usually, it's raging inside you, kinda like a storm.

>"I told you, you two dolts, she's in Japan!," Quinn replied.
>

Mike: You know, considering that "Daria" was a spin-off from
"Beavis and Butthead", you'd think Quinn would be a little
grateful.
Crow: Or at least pretend.

>Beavis, who had eaten seven candy bard on the way over.

Tom: No, not Shakespeare with Cherry Caramel Filling!

> went
>spastic and began to do his Cornhulio schtick;

Crow: I guess that psychotic episodes can be considered to be
a schtick...

> he pulled his
>shirt over his head, raised his arms, shook his fists and then
>screamed:
>

Crow: [Beavis] A FREE MARKET ECONOMY WILL EVENTUALLY PROVIDE
PROSPERITY FOR ITS CITIZENS!
Tom: [Butthead] Uh, like, no way. Centralized planning is an
important key for any national GNP, buttmunch!

>"AAAAAAAAAA! I AM THE GREAT CORNHULIO! YOU WILL GIVE ME TEE PEE
>FOR MY BUNG HOLE!"
>

Tom: [Quinn] Well actually Beavis, the tipi, or "teepee" as the
crude Anglo translation would have it, was just one of many
forms of Native American housing.

>Jane seized the both of them and gave them a quick kick to their
>testicles.
>

Crow: Wow! Three crotch kicks in five minutes!
Tom: This is becoming more painful to watch by the second...
Mike: I'm thinking that Jane's obsession with Jackson Pollack
has led her to emulate his hard-drinking idiot male
behavior.

>"Do that again, and I'll kick both your asses!," Jane roared.

Tom: If being screamed at justifies a kick to the groin, those
Japanese superheroes are in for some unpleasant surprises!

>"Leave Quinn alone!"
>

Mike: [Jane] SHE'S MINE! ALL MINE! BWHAHAHAHAHA!

>"This sucks! She got us in the nads," Beavis said as they both
>slunk away.
>

Mike: After the fetal position, whimpering, watery eyes,
nerve-numbing pain, and so forth.
Tom: Security comes over, arrests Jane and Quinn, and they're
expelled for inciting a riot!

>"What assholes they are!," Jane said.
>

Crow: [Yoda] Think so, do you?

>"Jane," Quinn said in relief, "I didn't think I was ever going to
>say this, but thanks for saving my bacon there."
>

Tom: [Jane] Anything for thin strips of fat and pork!

>"No problem," Jane replied. "I'll bill you later."
>
>"You wouldn't!," Quinn said.
>

Mike: [Jane] Wouldn't I, though?

>"Then again," added Jane rather quickly, "I'll let this be a
>freebie this time."
>

Tom: "Thelma and Louise 2: The Quickening!"

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The Lawndale Militia was poised to strike at any time.

Mike: Like June of 1850, or 1492!

>Poindexter, however, was getting antsy.
>

Crow: Thankfully, we haven't seen any references to flutes or
band camp, so we're safe from *that* particular scene.

>"When are we going to strike?," he asked.
>

Tom: The contract expires at midnight, kid. Meanwhile, we
negotiate, and wait.

>"Soon," was all that Anthony Corlew said. "Patience is a virtue

Tom: I thought it was Compassion, Honesty, Valor, Honor, Spir-
Mike: That's enough, Avatar.

>that a good soldier must have.

Crow: [Corlew] You patient yet? No? How about now?

> We will strike when it is to our
>advantage."
>

Mike: Thank you, o' redneck Lao Tzu.
Tom: [redneck] To know your enemy....*spit, ting*...you must know
yerself!

>Anthony knew that soon the hammer would fall.

Crow: Here we stand. Here we fall. History won't care
at all.

> But what he didn't
>know was that his plans would soon be turned on its head.
>

Tom: Aha! Lawndale is going to invade him! It'll be - huh?

>-----------------------------------------------------------------


Crow: I think we need to get out of here for a while.
Mike: Let's, then.
[All exit]


[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]

[The Bridge]
[The console has been turned into a news desk, with a corporate
logo saying "NHK" in the background. A booming news theme
song is playing. Mike, in a cheap suit, acting as the anchor,
sits at the desk, arranging papers.]

Magic Voice: We interrupt this commercial to bring you this NHK
Imitation News Flash! NHK - You won't believe it's not news!

Mike: Ah-ha! Many towns shake in terror, as the Neo-Zero death
plane brings fire and destruction! NHK news has received
this tape, from a person who claims to have stolen the plane!
I would call that a scoop, wouldn't you? We play this tape
for you live, and unedited!

[CUT TO videotape. Tom is in Arab dress, hidden by a veil, standing
in front of an array of Matchbox cars and tiny scale banners, to
imply a used car lot.]

Tom: Citizens of Japan! Run in fear! Cower at my feet!
Surrender to your new master: Harold Bergman, of Bergman
Honda in Nagano! You WILL pay my high prices! DRIVE my
poorly designed cars, with NO warranty! And don't forget
the RUSTPROOFING! MWAH HA HA HA!

[Crow enters, in Japanese army uniform, holding a bayonet.]

Crow: [grandly] Not so fast, Harold Bergman of Bergman Honda!
Tom: [terrified] Oh, no! Honest Akira, and his unbeatable
army of refurbished Toyotas for sale or lease! RETREAT!!

[CUT BACK to news desk.]

Mike: Wait folks! NHK has just received *another* tape, from
*another* terrorist claiming to control the Neo-Zero! Here
he is now!

[The video camera opens in some Kid's bedroom, pointed at some
Kid's legs (Kid portrayed by Paul Chaplin).]

Kid: Um... OK. OK. OK. OK.

[The Kid adjusts camera to point to his face. He's wearing a pair
of pajama bottoms over his head, with eye holes cut out the seat.]

Kid: OK. Lookit. Um, it's like, I'm gonna, like, blow stuff
up? Until Ms. Schiffrin cancels her math quiz Tomorrow?
And-and-and she has to stop yelling at Kids for no reason,
like Kevin Brackman and his friends Bucky and Phil?
Mom: [O.S.] JUSTIN! Dinner's ready!
Kid: [whining]: MOOOOM! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!

[CUT BACK to news desk. The desk is now haphazardly stacked with
hundreds of videotapes. Mike holds a handful of them, fanning them
like cards.]

Mike: Aha! More tape! More scoops! *Live!*

[CUT to tape #3.]

Tom: [holding potato chip bag] I'd betray my country for the great
taste of Lay's potato chips!

[CUT to tape # 4 - Bridget and May Jo, dressed in smart-looking
ensembles, seated on a couch. The "Lifetime" logo is at the
bottom of the screen]
Elaine: [Bridget] Okay, hi, I'm Elaine, and this is my co-host,
Sarah, and welcome to "Lifetime Takes Over the World".
Sarah: [MJ] Today, we'll start by liberating Japan from its
androcentric, paternalistic ruling government, and we'll
show you how - but first, this commercial for a really
important, uplifting, life-affirming movie you should all
watch.
Elaine: It stars Lindsay Wagner, Kate Jackson and Valerie
Bertinelli.
Sarah: Then, 36 straight hours of "Designing Women" reruns.

[CUT to tape #5]
Crow: [on bended knee, to camera] Brittney? Honey?
Will you marry me? I'll take over Japan for you,
Sweetie.

[CUT to tape #6. Footage of an erupting volcano plays as we
hear Tom's voice over.]

Tom: [V.O.] Why does my house get blown up by death planes?
Page 154.

[CUT to tape #7 - N'Synch's "Bye Bye Bye". As the video plays,
'Beez' McKeever appears, dressed as a teenager, in an inset at
the bottom.]
Teenage Girl: Omigod, we will like, TOTALLY bust up Japan unless
Carson Daly plays N'Synch non-stop forever, because N'Synch
is just the COOLEST, BESTEST BAND EVER!!!! I LOVE YOU
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!!!!

[CUT to tape #8 - Tom and Crow asleep. Quickly - ]

[CUT to tape #9 - Brak, on the set of "Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast"]
Brak: LET BRAK RULE JAPAN!
Space Ghost: [OS, annoyed] No!
Brak: BRAK'S GOT A PLANE! A great big plane! All furry, with
four legs, and it barks like this - Bow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow!
Zorak: [Entering shot, looking interested.] Hey, Brak - is your
plane named "Spot"?
Brak: Yes?
Zorak: Because I think I just ran over your *plane* in the
*parking lot!* MWAH-HAH-HA-HA!
Brak: [crying] *NOOOOOOOOO! SPOOOOOOT!*

[CUT BACK to news desk.]

Mike: We'll have more unsubstantiated piffle as the story
disintegrates!

[Theme song returns, Lights dim, PULL BACK from Mike as he
rearranges his papers.]

Magic Voice: NHK News! When you want your news from a station
that's almost "Kahn" spelled backwards!

[Commercials]

[The trio enters and sits.]
Mike: One question, who's Jason Timberlake?
Crow: He's like Gregg Alexander, except sassier.

>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 7: Black Saturday at Lawndale
>

Tom: Quite possibly the bleakest day in the American economy was
when the Fashion Club bake sale failed to stem the rising
tide of inflation.

>Back at the JAL plane, the fight between Ami and Akbar was now at
>a fever pitch.

Crow: [Amy] Akbar seems to be immune to shiny objects! I'm doomed!

> Akbar gave a kidney punch to Ami,

Crow: An organ meat-champagne cocktail? How nouveau!

> sending her
>reeling. Ami staggered a bit from the blow,

Tom: That's what "reeling" means, Pete. But thanks for caring!

> but wasn't down for
>the count yet.
>

Mike: [The Count from "Sesame Street"] Vun, two, three, four, five,
six, seven - seven confusing, boring chapters! Vwahahaha!
Tom: By now, Ami's beginning to wish she'd stayed in the bathroom.

>"I WILL KILL YOU IN THE NAME OF ALLAH!," Akbar screamed. With
>that, he opened the emergency hatch, and air gushed into the
>cabin.

Tom: Oh thank you! It was so stuffy in there!
Crow: Okay, wait, hold it, time! Wouldn't the air be sucked *out*
of the cabin at this point?!?
Mike: It's rushing in to fill the vacuum left by the lack of logic.

> Everything that wasn't nailed down was blowing around the
>cabin.

Crow: What about the lifeless bodies of the passengers? They're not
nailed down. What about Akbar's clothes?

> Akbar seized Ami and tried to toss her out of the open
>door.

Mike: [Akbar] OK, now you're going to feel a slight pinch... then a
feeling of weightlessness and freedom, followed by a sickening
thud.

> Ami, however, hung on with all the strength she could
>muster within herself.

Tom: Plus, some she borrowed from the guy in the seat next to her.
Crow: Hey, if they're over Los Angeles, she'll probably seep slowly
down through the air like it were porridge.

> Ami took a good look at the device on
>Akbar:

Mike: [Ami] Say, is that a Rolex?

> the clock said it would go off in ten minutes. Ami
>realized that she didn't have too much time left.
>

Mike: Specifically, ten minutes.
Tom: That's five minutes after she realized she better do something,
and fast!
Crow: Time moves slower as it approaches a black hole. And this story
certainly qualifies.


>"I WILL SEE YOU BURN IN HELL!," Akbar roared.

Crow: Akbar, the hard-of-hearing terrorist!

> He banged on Ami's
>left hand, causing her to momentarily lose her grip. She
>regained it as the wind was howling in her face.
>

Crow: How does that work, exactly?
Tom: You lose your grip, get blown all the way around the world,
then re-catch it as you go around again!

>Suddenly, Ami kneed Akbar in the testicles, sending him howling.

Crow: Four.
Mike: [wincing] I wish Peter would think of new way to end
fights.
Tom: Kind of a one trick pony, isn't she?
Mike: Well, she does do it very well.

>Ami clambered back on board; what she had to do had to be done
>quickly.
>
>"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," she yelled.
>

Crow: NEW, FROM LOREAL!

>With that, Akbar was frozen solid.

Crow: [Ami] Man, I should've thought of that earlier! I could've
saved myself the whole hanging-out-the-plane thing!

> Ami pushed him from behind
>and sent him then and there through the open emergency exit and
>into the air!
>

Crow: And they were complaining about Daria's violence streak earlier?
Mike: Ironically, he's gonna fall right on Leonardo DiCaprio and
Kate Winslet.

>Somehow, Ami thought she heard a muffled "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Mike: That's just the readers. Sorry for the confusion.

> as he
>fell, down, down, down,

Mike: [Mole people guy] Down, down, way way down...
Bots: Mike!
Mike: Okay, okay, sorry.

> tens of thousands of feet.

Tom: [weatherman] It'll be mostly sunny today, with a chance of
isolated hailstorms- really *really* isolated hailstorms!

> The frozen
>body then landed in the ocean, and plunged, deep, deep, deep into
>the water.

Tom: The readers winced at the bad, bad, bad writing.
Crow: Doesn't ice float?

> A shark saw Akbar and ate him whole.

Crow: Wow! That must have been one hell of a big shark!
Mike: It's one of those python sharks.

> The shark then
>swam away. By then, the nuclear device went off, with the shark
>at ground zero and only killing whatever lives deep down in the
>furthest reaches of the ocean.

Crow: It's a darn good thing that stuff that happens underwater has
no effect on the rest of the world, huh?
Mike: See, all that nasty atomic bomb did was create a harmless
little tidal wave that'll swamp the folks at San Bernardino
before they know what hit'em!
Tom: I for one feel sorry for the shark.

> Lawndale had been spared of one
>horror, but another was to come soon.
>

Tom: The Yanni/Jar-Jar Binks concert tour?

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The game was about to get underway at Lawndale. The PA system
>crackled to life:
>

Mike: [nasal] Would whoever took the footwarmer from the
principal's office please return it. Thank you.

>"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen!

Crow: [PA] Don't you people have *lives*?

> Welcome to Lawndale High
>School! This afternoon your Lawndale Lions will take on the
>Highland Fighting Trojans!"
>

Crow: They're wearing their new ribbed uniforms.

>With that, the announcer went into the usual descriptions of the
>starting lineups.

Mike: [PA] At quarterback, the dumb likable guy! At wide receiver,
the token black guy! At all other positions, faceless toadies!

> After announcing that for Highland, Brittany
>and the other cheerleaders took to the field as the opening
>lineup for Lawndale was announced.

Tom: The final score: Highland 79, Lawndale Cheerleading Squad 0.

> As soon as it was time to
>announce the starting quarterback, the announcer took on the
>usual tone of fake enthusiasm appropriate for such occasions:
>
>"And, last but not least,

Mike: [PA] I mean, there must be some single-celled organisms
lower than him, right?

> here is your starting quarterback, the
>one, the only, KEVIN THOMPSON!"
>

Crow: Damn! He made it out the locker room without tripping.
We're screwed.

>Kevin got onto the field, and Brittany gave him a big hug and a
>kiss.

Tom: Crow, you're taking this awfully well.
Crow: What?
Tom: Well, you and Brittany dated for a while...
Crow: Shut up, Tom.
Tom: I mean, if my ex-flame was kissing some handsome young
quarterback-
Crow: Shut up, Tom!
Tom: After all, there might still be an ember of love in
my heart...
Crow: SHUT UP, TOM!

> The crowd was going crazy.
>

Mike: They *must* be crazy to have prices so low!

>"GO GET 'EM, KEVIN!," Brittany said.
>
>"I will, Cupcake!," Kevin replied.
>
>The announcer continued: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, would
>you please rise and direct your attention to the fifty yard line
>as the band Mystik Spiral will play our National Anthem."
>

Crow: I guess it's to late to book Lucy Lawless.

>Trent and Jesse--along with bassist Nicholas Campbell and drummer
>Max Tyler--were all set in mid-field.

Tom: [Jesse] Wait. Where's the amps?
Crow: [Trent] Oh. Right. I knew there was something we needed.

> Jesse began to strum the
>guitar, and launched into a Jimi Hendrix-style solo.

Tom: Meaning kinda like Hendrix, just not any good.

> Trent got
>up to the microphone and began to sing:
>

Mike: o/~ I broke apart my insides, I've got no - o/~
Crow: Wrong Trent.

>"Oh, yeah, oh, oh say, oh say, can you see, man/By the dawn's
>early light/

Mike: Hey, it's morning already. The game must be over.
Tom: Good.

> What so proudly we hailed/At the twilight's last
>gleaming."
>
>Trent then gave a jagged guitar lick,

Tom: Which cut his tongue to ribbons.
Mike: Ew. And he did it in front of the children too!

> with Jesse and Nicholas
>keeping in tempo; Trent continued:
>
>"Yeah, whose broad stripes and bright stars/Through the perilous
>fight (another screeching guitar lick from Jesse)

Tom: [Jesse] Trent, you don't have to say that part. I'm sort
of doing it.

> /O'er the
>ramparts we watched/Were so gallantly streaming."
>

Mike: [sighing] "The Star Spangled Banner".
Tom: Yes! It's being sung right now.
Crow: By Mystik Spiral, in fact.

>The guitars went into overdrive, with Max pounding the drums
>furiously.
>

Crow: But it didn't do any good.

>"And the rocket's red glare," shrieked Trent
>

Mike: [Trent] o/~ Caused severe corneal damage! o/~

>Trent suddenly gave a note-for-note rendition of Hendrix's guitar
>burst at that point of the song, except this went on for five
>minutes.
>

Crow: Well then it can't be note-for-note, can it?
Tom: Well, if he did it really *slow*- *LIKE EVERY OTHER PART OF
THIS FRIGGIN' STORY!*

>"The bombs bursting in air," continued Trent.
>

Tom: Hopefully on top of these guys.
Mike: No such luck, [bitterly] thanks to Ami.
Crow: Oh, thanks, Ami.

>Another five minute guitar attack.
>

Mike: And people in the stands are just keeling over after standing
up straight for so long.

>After that, Trent sang, "Gave proof through the night/That our
>flag was still there."
>

Tom: Oh wait! That's a fat guy's pants. It just looked like a flag.

>Suddenly, Jesse began to strum the opening bars of "Chopin's
>Funeral March."
>

Crow: At this point, Francis Scott Key must be doing 80,000 rpm.

>Trent went into his big finish: "Oh, oh, oh say does that star
>spangled banner yet wave."
>

Tom: [quickly] Yeah, yeah, o'er the land of the free and the home
of *GOODBYE*!

>Another long screeching note from Jesse.
>

Crow: In this note, Jesse complained about his ex-girlfriend
and how those pesky cops just wouldn't leave him alone...

>"O'er the land of the free. . .," Trent sand, and held the last
>note for a few seconds.
>

Mike: Windshields begin to shatter in the parking lot...

>Trent gave a long, screeching note on his guitar.
>

Crow: [Trent] This one's for the Man and how he's always keeping
us down!
Tom: [hopping in his seat] *AND THE HOME OF THE FRIGGIN' BRAVE,
YOU INSUFFERABLE WEDDING BAND REJECTS!*
Mike: *SING IT!*
Tom: *END!*
Crow: I don't know, guys. I'm actually starting to really dig this.

>Trent finished with, "And the home of the brave."
>

Mike: That's Turner Field, actually.

>All of a sudden, Trent and Jesse both crashed into a loud guitar
>crescendo: "DUH, DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH,"

Crow: Yes, "Duh!" The expression that encapsulates their musical
talents perfectly!
Tom: Buy "Duh!", where you work or bank!

>while at the same time Trent sang, "America!

Mike: o/~ They rode through a desert on a horse with no name! o/~

> America!

Crow: o/~ Eye to Eye! Station to Station! o/~

> America!

Tom: o/~ TODAY! o/~

>Land of the free, baby!" After that, Max ended the song by
>banging twice a gong that had "A J. Arthur Rank Enterprise"
>written on it.

Mike: Get it on.
Crow: "Rank Enterprise"?
Tom: Thank heavens for truth in labeling laws!

> After that, Trent flashed a peace sign, and said
>"Peace, dudes!"
>

Tom: [Trent] If you can't be with the one you love, screw'em!
Mike: You know, rock concerts lose something when they're
converted into text.

>At first, everyone just stood there in stone cold silence.

Crow: Well sure. Wouldn't you?
Mike: And now that the musical interlude is over, let's get back to
"Misery Wham-Bang Neo-Spam Kaboodle"!

> Jane
>then began to clap.

Tom: And then stopped under the withering glare of the rest of
the crowd.

> Slowly, everyone else began to clap as well.

Crow: If they really, really believe, then maybe that didn't just
happen.

>Trent took a bow, as did the other members of Mystik Spiral.

Tom: So, Jesse and Max are just 'the others' now?
Crow: I heard Trent was gonna change his name to =Þ, but you can
just call him the Artist Formerly Known as Trent.

>They left the field, with the applause still ringing through the
>stadium.

Crow: [Spinal Tap] Good night, Poughkepsie! There will be no encores!

> Ms. Li smiled to herself and thought that this was
>$1000 well spent.
>

Tom: Then the nurse took Ms. Li back to her room and gave her
Play-Doh to keep her happy.

>There was a pause as the musical equipment was being cleared off
>the field.

Crow: With a bulldozer, if there's any justice.
Mike: OK! Now, The Dirty Pair are going to lead us in a three-
hour version of "The Pledge of Allegiance"! Give'em a hand!

> Soon, both teams took to the field.

Tom: Pshew! Thank god, the game's finally gonna start...

> The captains for
>each team were huddled around the referee for the coin toss.
>

All: [cry, clutch heads] NO-HO-HO!
Tom: I don't *care* about the stupid coin toss! I barely care
about the game!
Crow: I'm surprised we didn't get a two-hour pre-game show
with Bum Phillips and Jerry Glanville!

>"Mr. Mackenzie," the referee said, "As captain for the home team,
>you will call the toss.

Mike: [Ref] And remember, do it slowly! We need to pad out the story
a bit!

> This coin I have is a real, honest-to-
>goodness replica of the infamous Batman villain Two-Face's lucky
>two-faced coin; a double-obverse 1922 Peace Dollar.

[All groan]
Tom: That's right, just drag stuff in willy-nilly!
Mike: Poor Batman - first Joel Schumaker, now this!
Crow: So the losing team gets acid thrown in their faces?

> You will
>either call 'Good side up!' or 'Scarred side up!' Do you
>understand?"
>

Mike: I know I don't understand.
Crow: I'm still hung up on that whole shark eating a 6 foot
block of frozen terrorist thing.

>"Why is that coin being used?," was all that Mack said.
>

Tom: 'Cause Batman's da bomb!

>"Don't sweat it son," the referee said, "this coin was donated by
>one of the sponsors of the Lawndale football team, Lawndale
>Comics and Anime on Sugarbush Avenue in the middle of downtown
>Lawndale."

Crow: Well, at least it explains why the official Lawndale Lions
Football Uniform is a fuku.

> Since he was wired to a mike, everyone could hear
>him. "Don't forget everyone, go there now for the big 'Sailor
>Moon' fan subbed video sale!

Tom: If the Sailor Senshi actually exist, why would there even *be*
a "Sailor Moon" cartoon, subbed *or* dubbed?
Mike: Maybe there it's like one of those horrid real life cartoons,
like the old Harlem Globetrotters show, or Hammerman.
Tom: Thanks, Nelson - you just gave a perfect definition of "Hell
On Earth"!

> All episodes ten percent off!

Mike: You could go ninety and we *still* wouldn't buy it!

> And
>we'll give you an extra thirty percent off on the infamous
>episode where Sailor Jupiter brags about the size of her breasts
>if you can correctly guess her bra size!"
>

[All growl and grumble.]
Mike: Oh, geez! I'm feeling queasy now.
Tom: Mike? Can we go back and save Akbar?
Crow: Yeah, he may have yelled a lot, but I've grown real
enamored of his goal!

>"Ms. Li set you up to this as one of her money making schemes,
>didn't she?," Mack asked.
>

Mike: Duh.
Tom: Ms. Li owns the anime store?

>"It only gets worse, son," the referee continued. "The stadium
>is now being called Surge Cola Stadium!"
>

Crow: EXTREEEEEMMME PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!!!!!!

>Mack groaned. "All right, already!," he said resignedly; "I'll
>call 'Good side up.'"
>

Tom: Ooh, foreshadowing.

>The referee flipped the coin, and it landed good side up.
>

Mike: That means they have to leave all the jewels, because they
didn't plan for it.

>"Good side up," the referee said; "Your team wins the toss. Do
>you wish to kick or receive?
>

Crow: We *wish* we were in a better story, but since that's not
an option...

>"We'll receive," replied Mack.
>
>"OK," said the referee; "good luck, gentlemen."
>

Tom: Break a leg! Preferably Kevin's, if you catch my threat.

>Mack turned to Kevin and said, "Ms. Li has gone too far in
>selling out our school!"
>

Tom: They should have realized that when she sold ad space for "Fat
Harry's Adult Entertainment Lounge" on the players' uniforms.
Mike: [Kevin] Hey! Some of us have a game to blow, OK? Concentrate.
Crow: This moral judgment brought to you by Budweiser! The King of
Beers! Full-bodied. Rich-tasting. Better than you in every way!

>Highland kicked off the ball to open the game. Mack grabbed the
>ball, but only got as far as the twelve yard line before he was
>tackled.
>

Tom: Any Given Saturday.
Crow: This high-school tackle brought to you by Budweiser! Every bit
as full-bodied and rich tasting as it was fifteen seconds ago!

>Kevin, Mack and the others now huddled around for the first play.
>

Tom: [Kevin] Ok, let's try the Statue of Liberty play! Mack, put
on your gown!
Crow: This huddle brought to you by Bud-!
Mike: Crow? No. No more.

>"Mack," Kevin said, "you fake out toward the right and go for the
>long pass!"
>

Tom: [Mack] Saaaaay...
Crow: [Kevin] Not with the cheerleaders, you nit!

>"That's probably where they would expect us to try!," responded
>Mack.
>

Mike: Mike Mackenzie: Psychic Football player.
Tom: [Mack] They've probably dug defensive positions and have
snipers waiting to pick us off one by one!

>"Hey, it'll work, trust me!," reassured Kevin.
>

Mike: Every time he says that, the players all start twitching.

>They broke huddle and then Kevin called the play. Mack faked
>right and then zoomed to the left.

Crow: Experts call this a "zigzag."

> Kevin tried to make the pass,
>but then two hulking Highland tackles lunged right for him,
>forcing Kevin to retreat past his own goal line.

Mike: [Kevin, whiny flashback] No! Not the belt daddy! I'll be
a good little quarterback daddy! I'll make you proud daddy
just *not the belt again daddy!*

> In desperation
>he tired to make the pass, but then he was tackled for the
>safety.
>

Mike: The New England Patriots immediately signed Kevin up for
a 10 year contract.
Tom: [Kevin, dazed] Whoa. That went better than I expected,
actually.

>"And Highland grabs an early 2-0 lead by making a safety!," said
>the PA announcer.
>

Crow: And believe us, with Kevin unconscious, we can't
get much safer than that!

>Brittany looked on and got disappointed. But then she got the
>cheerleaders going on one of their best cheers:
>

Crow: [Brittany] Um, yay team?

>"C'mon, Lawndale, roar, roar, roar! C'mon, Lawndale, roar, roar,
>roar!"
>

Mike: The sad thing is that really *is* one of their best cheers?
Tom: Their second best is: Lawndale! Lawndale! What the hell's
your problem?

>Meanwhile, Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club were
>selling their goodies.

Tom: Woah!
Crow: The action suddenly switches to Pre-Guiliani Times Square.

> Unfortunately, when they passed by Beavis
>and Butt-Head, those two acted up again.
>

Mike: Acting Up: America's Youth in Decline.
Crow: [Butthead] Um... now is like, the winter of our discontent,
or something?

>"Uh, do you want to score with Beavis and me?," Butt-Head asked
>Sandi.
>

Mike: So Sandi tackled Butthead in his own endzone for a safety.

>"Like, get away from me!," shrieked Sandi.
>
>"Hey, here comes Diarrhea's sister! Let's hit up on her again!,"
>Beavis said.
>

Mike: [Butthead] First let us check the bulletin board, for the
many social events she might be interested in attending
with us!

>Quinn saw those two coming.
>

Crow: Not saying a word. Nope.

>"If you even think of harassing me," she said, "I'll have Jane
>beat up the both of you into a bloody pulp!"
>

Mike: [Quinn] Which I will then use to make bloody paper.
Tom: I doubt those two think much about anything, really.

>"Did you hear that, Beavis," Butt-Head said, "she wants to make
>up popes!"
>

Mike: Bloody Pope! Quentin Tarantino's devastating look at
the Vatican Bank, and its unholy collection policies!

>"Will I get to wear that funny pointed hat and all that?," asked
>Beavis.
>

Mike: In further news, the Vatican announced the excommunication of a
Mr. Peter W. Guerin today.

>"I said, 'PULP,' not 'POPE!,'", shrieked Quinn.
>

Tom: Oh, now the whole joke makes sense!

>"Hey, Butt-Head," Beavis said, "Do you ever noticed the
>similarities between Quinn and that chick Gabrielle from 'Xena:
>Warrior Princess'?"
>

Mike: I must say, Guerin has masterfully reproduced Beavis's
infatuation with five-syllable words.

>"Yeah," replied Butt-Head, "they're both dirty blondes, they both
>have bare midriffs and they both have big hooters!"
>

Tom: Gabrielle had a secretary named "Daria", while Quinn has a
secretary named "Xena".
Crow: Actually, that's a fairly lucid piece of dialog coming from
these two.

>They began their hideous laughter.
>

Crow: Why are they laughing about big owls?

>"Score with us, Quinn!," Beavis said.
>
>"Yeah, score with us!," added Butt-Head.
>

Mike: This is her worst nightmare come true.
Crow: What a coincidence - it's also mine.

>"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!," screamed Quinn.
>

Tom: And like a thunderbolt, the new women's magazine,
"Jane", appeared in her hands.

>Jane was there at a moment's notice.

Crow: Wow, she's well trained isn't she?

> She got the both of them
>and kicked their asses real good.
>

Mike: Now, here's one time where I wished we *could* have read
every single detail of the event.

>"Next time, you'll be in the hospital!," Jane warned.
>

Crow: Is assaulting them in the hospital such a good idea? I mean,
they've got security guards there and all...

>Beavis and Butt-Head were bruised up.
>

Tom: I'm starting to feel that this scene is flawed up.

>"Hey, Butt-Head, does it hurt?," Beavis wanted to know.
>

Mike: To love, and not be loved? Yes, Beavis. That hurts
very much.

>"Only when I laugh, Beavis," replied Butt-Head; he began to
>laugh, then began to howl, "OWWWWWWW!"
>

Tom: o/~ Werewolves of Lawndale... o/~
Mike: Okay, I think we've taken the whole "Werewolves of..." thing as
far as we can.

>While all that was going on, Highland scored a touchdown; with
>the two-point conversion, the score was now 10-0 in their favor.
>

Tom: Actually, it's almost as exciting as any given Superbowl.
Crow: Now, back to Pat and John!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>

Mike: Hi, everybody, I'm Pat Summerall, we return you now to
"Misogyny Cokehead Hillbilly Fiasco!"

>Meanwhile, the JAL plane was now pretty close to Lawndale. Ami
>has just closed the emergency door and made her way to the
>cockpit.

Crow: She found George Kennedy there, chomping his cigar!

> She was hoping to contact the nearest airport,

Mike: Failing that, she decided to call "Loveline." Maybe Dr.
Drew would be able to help...

> but then
>she noticed that after Akbar told the press about his hijacking
>the plane, he had also shot out the radio.

Crow: Meaning that she won't be able to hear her name when Country
104, home of the boot-scooting best music, calls it.

> This was only going
>to make the task of getting the plane down safely that much more
>difficult. But she noticed an even bigger concern:

Tom: She had a run in her hose.

> the plane
>was critically low on fuel.
>

Tom: Well then when it runs out it'll stop crashing! Like the Bugs
Bunny/Gremlin cartoon!
Mike: Wesley would have made fuel out of the stewardess' blouse.
Crow: JAL: Deathflight.

>Ami raced out of the cockpit and got to the flight attendant, who
>was now topless since the force of the air rushing in from the
>emergency door ripped off what was left of her bra.
>

Crow: Oh, it's one of *those* scenes, heh heh heh...
Tom: Now wrestle! C'mon, dammit, wrestle!

>"Miss, you've got to tell the passengers to prepare for an
>emergency landing!," Ami said.
>

Mike: [stewardess] Well, which of the corpses would you like
me to strap in first?

>"We're going to crash, aren't we?," the flight attendant asked.
>

Crow: [Ami] Well, we're going to smash into the ground with great
force then explode into a ball of fire. Yeah, I guess you
could call that a crash.

>"Perhaps we will," said Ami, "but right now we don't have many
>options left. Our fuel is almost exhausted."
>

Tom: And the plot's been on "empty" for quite a while now.

>On that note, the flight attendant instructed everyone to prepare
>for a emergency crash landing.

Tom: But all the men on board were hypnotized by her bared bosom,
so they all died on impact.
Mike: And they all quietly accepted their fate, huh?
Crow: Japanese, Mike.
Mike: Oh right. I guess they did.

> Ami then grabbed a piece of
>carry-on luggage she had and gave the flight attendant a blouse
>of hers to wear ;

Tom: Most superheroes would make this your "C" priority, but Ami
knows how to accessorize!

> luckily, they had the same blouse size, though
>they didn't have the same bra size.
>

Crow: And if Ami guessed it, she'd have 30% more runway!

>Everyone on board thought that this was going to be the end.
>

Mike: It's the end and they're comparing bra sizes? Hoo, boy...

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>

Tom: But enough about that! Let's go *here*!

>As was custom in Japan, the funeral was conducted by Buddhist
>rites;

Mike: [Eastwood] What about the rites for that little girl?

> almost all of them were, since there are few Christians in
>the nation, and Shinto took a rather dim view of the afterlife.
>

Crow: They believe that everyone comes back as pickles.

>The Buddhist monk officiating the ceremonies was a friend of
>Rei's grandfather; at one time he was himself a Shinto priest.
>

Crow: But he got traded to the Buddhists for a second-round
draft pick.


>"We mourn for the death of this great man," began the monk; "but
>we must remember that now he goes to be with Buddha in Nirvana,
>to a far greater place than this troublesome world.

Tom: Yeah, because in Buddhism, as soon as you die, you go
straight to Nirvana. All that reincarnation crap's just
propaganda to scare away the Americans.

> His death
>was utterly meaningless,

Tom: Just like his life.
Mike: Hey, play nice now.

> but he will now find the ultimate
>meaning to life, the Universe, and everything.

Mike: Been there.
Tom: Done that.
Crow: In a five book trilogy, no less.

> Farewell, my
>brother in the faith."
>

Crow: And thanks for all the fish.

>He then scattered flower petals into the grave, followed by all
>those in attendance.

Mike: Aaaah! He's gone mad! He's stuffing everyone in!
Tom: Wow! Buddhist funerals *rock*, man!

> All of the Sailor Senshi and Daria were
>present. Except for Rei, they were wearing the usual Western
>black mourning clothes;

Crow: Wow. I guess mourning really has broken!

> Rei was wearing her miko's outfit.

Tom: Rei's the rebellious Senshi.

> She
>laid into the grave besides petals one of her "demon banishment
>scrolls".

Crow: That's to keep him from becoming a Deadite.
Mike: Ohhh....

> Daria didn't have a simple black dress to wear and had
>to buy one from a store in the Ginza;

Mike: It came free with a set of six steak knives!

> it was one of those drop-
>dead minidresses and she was also suckered into buying a pair of
>those dark brown stockings that seem to go well with such a dress
>and a pair of high heels.

Tom: So Daria uses a funeral as an excuse to come out of her shell.
Somehow, I'm not surprised.
Crow: Ah. She was "suckered" into looking sexy.
Mike: Yes, Guerin had nothing to do with it. Daria was just "naïve".

> Already they were murder on her feet.
>"Whoever invented high heel shoes must have been a guy;" she
>began to say; "he should have been strung up the nearest tree."
>

Mike: Wait, that's two different thoughts entirely.
Tom: I smell smoke, it's time for lunch, look at the street..
Crow: And the attempt to write in the female voice fails
miserably.

>Rei, after she left the grave, collapsed into tear;

Crow: Hey, when did this become the Wheel of Time?
Tom: Wrong Tear, Crow.

> Usagi and
>Mamoru both hugged her.

Tom: Saaay...

> Daria stood by and watched.
>

Tom: Daria likes to watch? Saaaay...
Mike: Stop that.

>"I've lost everything that gave meaning to my life: my
>grandfather, the shrine, ,my peace of mind!"
>

Crow: [Rei] My bookmark! My web connection! My sense of rhythm!

>"You still have Yuuichirou and your crows," Usagi replied,

Crow: Hey, don't drag me into this!
Mike: Some things you just don't realize how dumb they sound 'til
you've said'em.

> "and
>you still have us."
>

Tom: Oh, *that's* reassuring.
Crow: [Rei] So I've noticed! Don't you have crime to fight?

>"You can stay with me until they rebuild the shrine," Mamoru
>offered.
>
>Rei cried bitterly.

Mike: [Rei] I don't wanna stay with him! His clothes all suck!

> Suddenly,

Tom: The premise changed and...

> she left their embrace, grabbed a
>samurai sword that was hidden beneath her hakama

Crow: Oh no! It *is* a Highlander Crossover!

> and looked like
>she was going to commit seppuku;

Tom: [to "Sha-boopie"]: o/~ Seppuku! Seppuku! o/~
Crow & Mike: o/~ The girl is off her gourd! o/~

> women usually did that by
>stabbing the sword through the throat, and not by slitting the
>belly like men did.
>

All: WHOA!
Tom: Pete, baby, we were happy in the Mall of Ignorance there!
You didn't have to show us the Food Court of Blood and Entrails!

>"REI, NO!", everyone shouted.
>

Crow: Not our collectible Sailor Moon blue jeans!
Tom: Nooooo!

>"No, I will not commit seppuku.

Tom: [to "Sha-boopie"] o/~ Seppuku! Seppuku! o/~
Crow & Mike: o/~ Just stay clear of that sword! o/~

> However, I call upon Amaterasu-
>Omikami herself to witness my vows.

Mike: [Amaterasu-Omikami] I'm kinda busy here, okay?!?
Crow: Instead of bugging Daihatsu-Okeydokey, she should just get
a notary public.

> I will not rest until the
>person responsible for killing my grandfather is finally brought
>to justice.

Tom: You hear that, Peter Guerin?
Crow: Man, with all this not resting, when's she gonna find time
to sleep?

> Either this blade will go through the heinous
>person's heart, or it will go through my own throat.

Tom: [Rei] Or I'll feel bad for a few days and pig out on Chocolate
Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, probably.

> I will
>avenge your death, Grandpa, and I know you will not rest until I
>have done so!

Crow: [Grandpa] Look, I'm old and I'm dead, I need my sleep!

> I have sworn!"
>

Mike: [Rei] I will not rest until I have sworn! Oh. Guess I did.

>Everyone left the cemetery chilled to the bones.

Mike: Maybe they should have stayed home during the blizzard.

> Somehow, Daria
>had this mental image in her head of a hand emerging from a pool
>of blood, setting out letters that spelled out the word "CHILLER"
>and then sinking back into the pool of blood while an eerie voice
>said "CHILLER!" Somehow this seemed sickeningly appropriate.
>

Tom: Ummmmmmmmm...
Mike: Daria needs some kind of counseling desperately.
Crow: Why? Just because she's thirsty for the refreshing taste of
an ice-cold blood-flavored Chiller?
[Pause]
Tom: Keep him away from me, Nelson!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Everyone had gone to Mamoru's apartment for the post-funeral
>reception.

Mike: [Usagi] Mamoru, I don't think hiring a deejay was
such a good idea...
Tom: [Mamoru] Oh, it'll be fine, Usagi!
Mike: [Usagi] He's playing "Disco Inferno"!
Tom: [Mamoru] Well, somehow it seemed sickeningly appropriate.

> Rei didn't have any other living relatives other than
>her estranged father, who she hadn't spoken to in years.

Crow: The deejay segues into "Burning Down the House"...
Tom: He's got "You Dropped a Bomb On Me" cued up...
Mike: Hendrix doin' "Let Me Stand Next To Your Fire"...

> She
>left him because she held him responsible for the death of her
>mother;

Tom: *What* smoking gun? Oh, *that* smoking gun!

> they were driving back from a party and he was drunk;
>they crashed into a tree, killing her instantly.

Mike: So Rei's dead?
Tom: Her mother's dead. Apparently she was in tree when
Rei and her dad crashed into it.
Crow: Rei has a real Jenna Elfman lighter-than-air quality about her.
Tom: Oh yes! A bubbly effervescence that's simply infectious!

> It was after
>that incident that Rei left him and went to Sendai Hill Shrine,
>ran by her now late maternal grandfather. There were some old
>friends of his and some students that Rei recognized from her
>junior high school days.

Mike: Her grandfather's friends went to junior high with her?
Crow: And wasn't it an all-girl's school?

> Then there were everyone else's friends
>and family.

Mike: Mine too?

> Kenji, Usagi's father, went up to Rei.
>
>"I am so sorry about what happened," Kenji said.
>

Tom: [Kenji] The way your grandfather was cooked alive, his
flesh searing to the bone, knowing all he could do was
pray his death would be quick. My deepest sympathies!

>"Grandpa was such a beloved man," answered Rei. "He will be
>sorely missed."
>

Crow: [Rei] Elton John's dedicating a song to him.
Mike: [Kenji] Did he happen to tell you where the keys to the liquor
cabinet were?

>Kenji then recognized Daria.
>

Mike: And he granted her five minutes to speak on the issue.

>"There you are, Daria, he said; "I didn't notice you without the
>combat fatigues you usually wear.

Tom: [sarcasm] Oh, and anime characters change clothes every
episode. Get bent!
Crow: [Kenji] Also we haven't met, but still I am shamed by my
rudeness!

> I have to admit with that
>dress on, you almost look human."
>

Mike: It's the arrival of Senor Smooth!
Crow: [Daria] That's OK. I didn't see you because my eyes are
overly sensitive to tactless louts.

>"Frankly, formal wear like this isn't my style," Daria answered
>him;

Crow: [Daria] I'm more of a nudist actually.

> "I once wore this bare-shouldered dress to a wedding since I
>was going to be the bridesmaid, and I didn't like it."
>

Tom: And like a shaft of light descending from the heavens,
Daria realizes the shallowness of her pursuit of art
and poetry, and rededicates her life to fashion!

>Kenji said, "Actually, I thought you were more the person who
>likes to wear slacks or combat pants, but you always wear that
>same drab olive jacket, orange shirt, black knee-length skirt and
>combat boots.";

Crow: [Kenji] Is that all I have written down here? Yep.
Tom: It's Sailor Mr. Blackwell.
Mike: You know, if Guerin had written Moby Dick, it would have
gone, "Call me Ishmael. I'm wearing a smart blue coat with
shiny gold buttons, workman's pants that are rugged yet
flattering..."
Crow: Don't be ridiculous, Mike! No way he doesn't start with hair
color.

> Kenji had seen Daria a couple of times since she
>came over, mainly when she stopped by Usagi's house for dinner a
>couple of times.
>

Tom: So, we're pretending we have continuity now?

>"OK, OK, I'll let you in on a little secret," confessed Daria;

Mike: The animators can't afford to draw any more clothes for me.

>"I've actually got better-looking legs that my sister, Quinn,

Crow: Who you've seen a couple of times via her fee-for-service
web-cam...

> but
>don't tell her about it because then she'll probably steal every
>skirt I own."
>

Tom: "Dog Day Afternoon 2: This Time It's Skirts"

>"What about your sister, anyway?," Kenji wanted to know.
>

Tom: What about that sentence, Tom wanted to know.

>"She's the vice-president of my hometown high school's Fashion
>Club," began Daria. "She kind of looks like Gabrielle from
>'Xena: Warrior Princess'

Crow: If you close your eyes and have a surgeon remove the
reasoning centers of your brain.
Tom: Oh, god, he just implied Daria thinks like Beavis and Butthead!
That's worse than a racial epithet or saying she eats dung!

> because she likes to wear shirts that
>leave her midriff bare and also has almost the same hair color
>and hairstyle.

Mike: When you start drawing parallels between Beavis and Butthead
*and* Daria, it's time to rethink your strategy.

> She's a complete airhead."

Tom: By Thomas Dolby.

> With that, Daria
>broke into a rare smile.

Mike: [Daria] I suddenly feel a lot better about myself!

> Somehow, with Usagi's parents, she felt
>at ease with them, because at least they knew what they were
>doing.

Crow: Granted, we have no evidence of this, but let's just run
with this hypothesis.
Tom: A huge change from the whole 'lazy bastard' scene, huh?

> Back home, her father was so wishy-washy and her mother
>was so domineering.
>

Tom: Put 'em together and you get...ew, that's gross. Never mind.

>Ikuko joined her husband.
>

Crow: And together they formed MechaParent!

>"There you are, dear," she said.

Crow: [Ikuko] You'd better go help Rei. The funeral home's
trying to charge her for cremation, and if ever there was
a superfluous charge, this is it.

> "You should try this clam dip;
>I hear that Mamoru made this himself and it's pretty good."
>

Tom: It's got a little bit of grandpa in it, for that extra personal
touch!

>"Later, dear," Kenji said.
>

Crow: Go have another drink, dear.

>Daria took a good look at herself in a nearby mirror.

Mike: [Daria] Hm. Ever since I became a Sailor Scout, I stopped
casting a reflection. Weird.

> She had to
>admit that she didn't ever look as beautiful as she did now.

Crow: Yes, she *had* to. Admit it! C'mon, *admit it*!

>What she really wanted to do was to fantasize how'd she look like
>in one of those armored bikinis like some of those heroines she
>had been seeing in anime since she came over.

Tom: And the recognizable established character traits quickly
fall to zero.
Crow: "Daria" wanted to fantasize.
Mike: Yes.
Crow: Not anyone else.
Mike: No, that would be an invalid assumption based on little
or no evidence.

> The day after she
>arrived here, Ami and she watched "Leda: The Fantastic Adventure
>of Yohko" on video,

Tom: Between the hours of intensive training and schooling
and MechaNegaVerse crime fighting, of course.

> and Daria thought that Yohko's outfit was
>rather cool, if a bit sexist.

Tom: And these *were* Daria's thoughts, after all.
Mike: Yes they were. Because if they were anyone else's
thoughts, they'd just come right out and say so.
Tom: Right.

> That was the type of outfit she
>wished she wore, and not that frumpy seirafuku she had now as
>Sailor Mercury.

Crow: It's so brave of Daria to be up front with her fantasies
like this!
Mike: Sure. It would be very easy for her to, say, write a bad
fanfic in which she projects her fantasies onto some other
character.
Tom: Oh come on, Mike! No one would do that!

> Ami said that "Leda" was one of her favorite
>anime of all time, and admitted that she was an "otaku", or fan
>of anime herself.

Crow: I thought Otaku was that office supply store.
Mike: I thought it was an acronym for "Oh, this anime's killing us"!
Tom: It's "Daria", and "Ami", caught in the act of being
themselves!

> She thought back to what they were doing after
>they saw the film.

Tom: It's not what I think it is, is it?

> They were in their bedclothes,

Crow: Wrestling for the Master's pleasure.

> and were
>gossiping in Ami's room.
>

Mike: Did we just flashback from a flashback?

>"'I really like Yohko, she's a woman who's true to herself

Tom: Yeah, but she still can't sing for love or money.

>despite the fact that she's an innocent woman trapped in a
>situation not of her own making," Ami said.
>

Crow: Daria *IS* Yohko *AS* Sandra Bullock *IN "The Net 2"!

>"Well," Daria replied, "I thought it was a bit derivative of "Red
>Sonja" and "Xena", but otherwise it was OK.

Tom: And the dialogue is totally ripped from "Barney".

> I just wish she
>didn't dote on that guy so much. She's got to realize that she
>can stand up on her own two feet without any guy's help."
>

Mike: Charlie the Tuna rides by on a bicycle...

>"Are you a feminist?," asked Ami.
>

Tom: Given the previous fantasies, she's more of an exhibitionist.

>"Yes;" replied Daria; "I got it from my mother, as well as my
>science teacher, Ms. Barch.

Crow: So feminism is contagious?

> That last person is a real hoot. I
>swear every time in class, she says that 'All men are scum!'"
>

Mike: [Barch] Except for that dreamy Matt Damon. He understands me.
I just know it!

>Ami got a good laugh over that.
>

Crow: [Ami] Please. Matt belongs to *me*. Heart and soul.

>"What's so funny?," Daria wanted to know.
>

Crow: [Ami] The word "scum". It's too pedantic to be an
effective slur!

>"It's just that your science teacher seems to write off men so
>easily," replied Ami. "In Japan there's really no such problems
>like that."
>

Mike: The Stepford Senshi.
Tom: Anybody got an oyster knife we can use to pry the
meaning out of that sentence?

>"Really, then why are women still treated the way they are?,"
>demanded Daria.
>

Mike: [Ami] Err...
Crow: Ami? A word of advice?
Bots: o/~ Blame Canada! Blame Canada! o/~
Mike: Guys! We don't need to annoy the MPAA, do we?

>Ami responded, "Oh, I guess you keep hearing the reports about
>how men are so aloof and treat women like property.

Crow: [Ami] While they will occasionally be traded for two
railroads and Park Place, that's more an exception than
the rule!

> But did you
>know how much power real Japanese housewives have?"
>
>"How much?," asked Daria.
>

Mike: [Ami] None. Just like in the good ol' US of A.

>"Enough to make any grown man cry in his sake!," giggled Ami.
>

Tom: o/~ I had some dreams, they were clouds in my sake... clouds
in my sake, and... You're So Vain! o/~

>Somehow, after the description that Ami gave about how wives made
>men stick to a little stipend from their salaries and controlled
>many aspects of their children's education,

Crow: After this, Daria made a point to avoid contact with the odd
little uberchild who lived in a dreamworld far, far away from
reality!

> Daria broke into the
>biggest smile she ever had.

Crow: The thought of making men cry seems to do that to her.
Tom: Sadism! Fun for the kids!

> But then she asked if that was the
>case, them why become a doctor.
>

Crow: Well, the golfing, of course. What a stupid question!

>"My mother's a doctor," began Ami, "and her father before that.

Mike: Before that, the family sold ice cream, which is a lot
like being a doctor.

>She told me how Grandpa was a doctor tending to the wounded
>during the war.

Crow: Which is odd, as he was trained as a mechanic.
Tom: [gramps] Now, corporal, the bullet's scratched your heart,
so we're going to try replacing it with this carburetor from
my old jeep parked out back.

> It was pretty brutal business, especially toward
>the end.

Mike: [gramps] Oh, I'm so sorry the carburetor to your plane died.
Perhaps one of my patients' hearts will work!

> After the war, he set up a private practice, and
>encouraged my mother to take up the practice,

Crow: So she changed her name to Camryn Mannheim.

> since she was an
>only child and someone had to carry on the business.

Crow: Since we live on in the work we do, not through love or
charity or anything.

> At first
>she was hesitant, but then she met one person who changed her
>life."
>
>"Who?," Daria wanted to know.
>

Tom: John Saxon?

>Ami's answer was surprising:
>

Mike: Otis Spunkmeyer?
Crow: George Lucas?
Tom: Clayton Moore. Mom was always a big "Lone Ranger" fan.

>"Dr. Tezuka Osamu. I guess you know him from his works 'Tetsuwan
>Atom' and 'Jungle Taitei'".
>

Mike: Oh, and he was the fifth Beatle too, until he and Ringo had
a fight over a groupie.

>"You mean to tell me that the man who created 'Astro Boy' and
>'Kimba the White Lion' was a doctor?"
>

Tom: He's a doctor, not a cartoonist!

>"Yes," Ami continued, "and he told my mother that there was no
>nobler profession than that of helping your fellow man in his
>time of need.

Tom: So cartoonists are noble, selfless individuals who strive for
the betterment of mankind?
Crow: So why didn't Charles Schulz ever win the Nobel?
Mike: I think they mean doctors, guys.
Crow: Feh! What did a doctor ever do for us?
Mike: You're metal. You don't need a doctor!
Tom: Our point exactly.

> My mother then decided that being a doctor was a
>worthwhile goal."
>

Tom: Cartoonists can be very persuasive.

>"I'm impressed, "said a very impressed Daria; she was not one who
>was easily impressed.
>

Mike: I get the impression that she was impressed.
Tom: Impressive reasoning there, Mike. I'm impressed.
Crow: Again, subtle clues convey the fact that Daria is, indeed,
impressed.

>"My father, who's an artist, also thinks I should pursue an
>artistic career on the side," continued Ami.
>

Tom: [Ami] Thus my drinking binges and heroin addiction.

>"If you ever visit Lawndale," Daria said, "you should check out
>my friend Jane Lane;

Mike: [Daria] She's hotter than that painter chick in the Levi's
ads! [growl]

> she's an aspiring artist. Hell, her whole
>family is. Except her brother, Trent; he's a rock musician."
>

Mike: [Daria] He's sold his artistic integrity to the hacks at
Atlantic Records.

>"Daria," Ami asked, "you looked a bit embarrassed when you
>mentioned him. Are you in love with him?"
>

Crow: Or are you in love with the idea of *being* in love with him?

>"I'll admit that I am," confessed Daria.

Tom: C'mon, she won't even admit that to *Jane*, for crying
out loud!

> "It's kind of like the
>situation with Usagi and Mamoru.

Mike: Or Starsky and Hutch.

> I just can't seem to get the
>words out, like he knows that I'm there, but he just doesn't seem
>to know."
>

Crow: If she breaks into a ballad, I'm outta here.

>"Does he call you 'Dumpling-Head' at times?," inquired Ami.
>

[All snicker.]
Crow: Ami, sometimes the parallels aren't that direct.

>"No, nothing insulting like that," said Daria. "Hell, he doesn't
>have an insulting bone in his body.

Tom: Yeah, his sister got them all.

> He's just a bit spacey,

Mike: [Daria] In fact, he won an Oscar for "American Beauty."

>that's the major flaw in his character."
>

Tom: [Daria] Plus he's Keyzer Soze, so he's into that creepy
Czech "rule by terror" thing.

>Ami got a good laugh over that.
>

Crow: [Ami] Oh, to think being like Kevin Spacey is a flaw!

>"You know, Daria, you're different," replied Ami;

Crow: [Joel] And that results in creativity.

> "You're really
>honest about yourself and about other people."
>

Mike: A little too honest at times.

>"Well, I like to tell it like it is," said Daria.
>
>Ami then added, "Daria, one of these days I will visit Lawndale
>and see all your friends and family."
>

Mike: [Ami] As I grind them under my heel and establish the beach
head for the Japanese invasion fleet.
Crow: Great! *More* foreshadowing.

>"I guarantee you won't have a dull moment there," assured Daria.
>

Crow: [Daria] We just got a new TCBY in the Galleria!

>Daria's train of thought was interrupted when someone turned on
>the TV.

Mike: Which, the flashback train of thought, or the flashback's
flashback train of thought?

> The NHK announcer was delivering the nightly news, and
>there was one interesting matter:
>

Tom: Cheese wheel rolls through downtown crushing snack venders!
Film at eleven.

>"Tokyo-to Governor Nagai Kenji now has a commanding lead over his
>opponents in the latest NHK/Yorimuri Shimbun poll.

Tom: And with one-quarter of 1% of the returns in, Bill Bradley
has conceded defeat.

> Nagai, the
>Komeito candidate for the empty seat for Tokyo-to in the House of
>Representatives, now has a fifty-five percent approval rating as
>opposed to his Liberal Democratic, Socialist, Social Democratic
>and Communist opponents.

Crow: Ha! Take that, ya darn commies!
Mike: However, his lead over the "Braless Superheroes With Hooters Out
To Here" candidate was within the margin of error.

> Nagai's portraying himself as a "law
>and order" candidate

Tom: He's promising free Jerry Orbach & S. Epatha Merkeson for all!

> as well as a reformer seems to have struck a
>chord with voters who are gravely concerned over the recent
>crises that have seem to hit Japan like a typhoon.

Mike: Spokesmen for the opposition stated they were reevaluating
"Let Japan Burn, What Do We Care?" as a campaign theme.

> As for the
>Neo-Zero crisis, NHK will continue to update that situation as
>conditions warrant."
>

Tom: [anchor] And now back to "Two Guys, Five Girls, Three Talking
Cats, A Hermaphrodite and a Pizza Place".

>The sun was setting now over Tokyo. Daria had a strange feeling
>that she wanted to be anywhere else right now than here.

Mike: Believe me, we sympathize.

> She
>excused herself from the reception and went back to Ami's house.
>There she decided to go to bed.

Crow: She used AutoCad to carefully plan her bedtime procedures,
down to the last detail, with elaborate blueprints!

> For some strange reason she
>decided to wear Ami's football jersey nightshirt.

Crow: And the fic takes an unexpected turn as one of the girls
decides to remain dressed.

> As she fell
>asleep, a strange dream began to unfold. . .
>

Tom: The dream is always the same. Instead of going home to her
house, she goes to the neighbors....

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The repairs to the Neo-Zero were taking longer than expected.

Mike: What the-?! We set up a dream sequence, and CUT AWAY?!
The HELL!?
Crow: There is a very different drummer being marched to here.

>Yoriko was clearly showing her impatience with the whole affair.
>

Tom: [Yerko] Now look! You people gave me an estimate of $200!

>"I want that engine repaired in the next fifteen minutes or heads
>will roll!," Yoriko shrieked.
>

Mike: Calm down, sweetie. Tokyo will still be there in 15
minutes.
Crow: [Yerko] I know! That's what's upsetting me!

>Dr. Vander Helffen sensed Yoriko's frustrations and went to her.
>

Mike: o/~ Let's get it on... o/~

>"All will be ready in good time," he said.
>
>"Dr. Vander Helffen," Yoriko yelled, "I will not rest until that
>traitor Ryu and the Solar Warrior are both dead!"
>

Crow: [Yoriko] I've stocked up on No-Doz, and I'm having raw coffee
beans administered intravenously! Still, I might take a short
nap if either one of them is severely beaten.
Mike: What is it with all the oaths of sleeplessness around here?!
Tom: Boy, Vivarin could make a mint in this country.

>"Yoriko, you are beginning to lose sight of the goal," warned Dr.
>Vander Helffen.

Mike: I question your commitment to blowin' stuff up.

> "We are to take over the nation first; later we
>will deal with those who have opposed us."
>

Mike: Conquer the country, *then* deal with opposition. Brilliant!

>"That may be your way, but it is not mine!," said Yoriko. "And
>you better have more of the 'Hi no Tori' pills for me soon or I
>will take matters into my own hands!"

Tom: Yerko thinks the carrot and stick approach involves shoving
the carrot down your throat.

> With that, she stormed out
>again.

Tom: La nina! Ole!

>Dr. Vander Helffen realized that soon he might have to take
>matters into his own hands as well.
>

Mike: Making him no longer the master of his domain.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Daria had the sensation that the alarm had went off, but she had
>just fallen asleep.

Tom: Her body clock's still on MTV time.
Crow: Yup. She gets up every hour to turn off that damned "Real
Slim Shady" video.

> She looked at the alarm and realized that
>she was running late for school.
>
>"AAAAAAAA!

Mike: Football practice!
Crow: Hey, that's my line.
Mike: Sorry.

> I'm late for school! First day! I'm late!," she
>shrieked.
>

Crow: AAAAAHHH!!!! The story's lapping itself!

>Then, it seemed that she took off her nightshirt and ran for the
>closet--wearing nothing but her panties--to grab a bra.

Crow: Mike? Do women generally keep bras in the closet?
Mike: Well, no. Generally they keep them in dresser drawers.
Tom: Gee, Crow. Everyone knows that.
Crow: Uh-huh. And exactly how many women have been on the SoL
so that I could learn that? Hmm?

> But when
>she got to the closet, she fell through it and was falling deep,
>deep, into a hole.

Crow: [white rabbit] Oh, my ears and whiskers! I'm late for the Mad
Hatter's dream sequence!
Tom: [same] I run, and then I hop hop hop! I wish that I could fly!

> When she landed, it looked like she was in
>the middle of a bombed-out area.
>

Mike: Newark?

>"Great," said Daria in her usual deadpan manner; "here I am
>virtually naked,

Crow: Yeah, we all knew that was how the virtual-reality craze
would end.

> everyone can see how small-breasted I am,

Tom: [shivering] Make him stop, you guys!

> and
>I'm in the middle of a war zone..

Mike: She repeats the scene set-up! o/~ La-la, LA-la la! o/~

> Right now, I bet some Huns are
>going to swoop out of nowhere and grab me."
>

Tom: Huns?

>Just as she said, some Huns swooped out of nowhere and grabbed
>her.

Tom: Swooping Huns? Mike?
Mike: Hell. I've stopped fighting. Just go with it.
Crow: Michael Cimino's "Road Warrior".

> but just then, someone was standing in their path.
>

All: Allen Keyes?!?

>"Ne'er-do-well'ers!," the man said,

[All cackle. Mike puts his head in his hands, shaking it.]

> "I am the Solar Warrior,
>servant to Amaterasu-Omakami, Goddess of the Sun!

Mike: What is it about serving the sun that makes people talk
like somebody's senile Aunt Hortense?
Crow: [Solar Warrior] Reprobate! You got me menthol! Return
to the drug store and get me the right damn cigs!

> In the name of
>the Sun, you will be judged!"
>

Tom: I wonder what the appeals process is like for that court.

>Then he spread out his hands and the power began to glow in the
>discs in each hand.
>

Tom: [Space Ghost] Taste the wrath of my spank ray, evildoers!

>"SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE ATTACK!," the Solar Warrior yelled.
>

Crow: Oh, just do it already!
Mike: Yeah, stop braying like a gray-haired jackass!

>The solar flares streamed from his hands and burned the Huns to a
>crisp;

Crow: I like my Huns extra crispy, please.
Tom: Freakin' *Huns*?!?!?
Mike: Yeah, Huns! You know - the blasted Jerries and all that.

> Daria, however, was not injured.

Tom: Saved by new Tampax! With absorption deflection shields!

> The Solar Warrior
>approached her.
>
>"This is kind of a bad time to see me, since I'm naked," Daria
>said.
>

Crow: [Solar] Not from where I'm standin' baby! Hubba hubba!

>But the Solar Warrior, it seemed, summoned some solar energy and
>dressed her up in a seirafuku.
>

Tom: Yeah, I'm sure Hammurabi-Kamandi loves being called on for
wardrobe purposes.

>"Do not be afraid of me, Daria," he said; "I will protect you
>from all harm." He seemed to draw closer.
Crow: Wow. He must be *real* good at Pictionary.

> They were on the
>verge of kissing each other.

Tom: Not since a damp sponge touched a fish has such passion
exploded across the screen!

> They kissed, but then Daria was
>wrenched awake by someone shaking her shoulder.
>

Mike: Nonono - *Gentle Pressure*!!
Tom: [mournfully] Why don't they look?

>"Daria, get up!

Crow: Get up, stand up! Stand up for your rights!

> We have to go to SDF HQ on the double!," said a
>voice.
>

Tom: I'm trying to work a backgammon reference here, but it's just
too dang complicated.

>It was Minako, and she looked like she went through Hell herself.

Tom: Hell is a woman?
Mike: Tell me about it.

>She wasn't even in her Sailor Venus seirafuku

Crow: [snarky] Oh, nothing but her panties. That's *so* different.

> but instead was
>wearing a green T-shirt and blue jeans.

Tom: The T-shirt seems so out of place in this story.

> Her eyes had black bags
>under them for lack of sleep, and her hair was a bit disheveled.
>

Mike: Apparently, looking like a normal person instead of a giggly
nymph in a miniskirt means you've been through hell.

>"Minako, you interrupted me in the middle of the best dream I've
>ever had for this?," said Daria rather groggily
>

Tom: Daria's best dream is getting a quick kiss while standing
naked in a war zone getting attacked by 'Huns'?

>"Sorry, but this is urgent!," replied Minako.
>

Mike: [Minako] The Backstreet Boys are signing autographs with
Jon Bon Jovi. C'mon!

>"Now I know how Samuel Taylor Colleridge must have felt when that
>insurance salesman interrupted him right in the middle of
>writing 'Kubla Kahn'," sneered Daria.

Crow: Insurance salesman? Didn't Dirk Gentley do that?
Tom: Besides, why would you want to write a poem about a guy
that Brian Boitano beat up?
Mike: This is the Jenga of crossovers! And the whole tower crashed
to earth ages ago.

> She flung on a black T-
>shirt and blue jeans, the same outfit she wore while on her ill-
>fated trip to Alternapalooza.

Tom: And so, draped in clothing instead of actually wearing it...

> Somehow the irony wasn't lost on
>her.

Mike: It was on us.

> It was a weird dream. She never had such intense feelings
>for a guy before in her life.

Mike: Except for maybe her schoolyard crush on "Plank".
Tom: The Solar Warrior she's only met in her dreams.
Crow: Who she cares deeply for.

> But her heart belonged to Trent,
>and she could never tell the Solar Warrior how much she cared for
>him. Daria was soon on her way to SDF HQ.
>

Mike: ASAP, keeping it on the QT.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The FAA facility near Lawndale International Airport was a pretty
>critical facility; its radar could cover a six state area.

Mike: Unfortunately, those six states were Tennessee, Alaska,
Delaware, Wyoming, Wisconsin and New Mexico.
Crow: Damn that Y2K problem!

> So
>there was concern when an aircraft appeared out of nowhere on the
>screen.

Crow: So, they're concerned when their radar works?

> One of the air traffic controllers immediately spotted
>that it was the hijacked JAL flight.
>

Tom: Which, by my count, has been in the air continuously for
about three days now.

>"Oh, my god! The hijacker is bringing the JAL plane here!," he
>spewed out as soon as he realized where it was going.
>

Mike: The military had no interest tracking the terrorist's
position, but luckily ol' Greg here knows his hazy blobs!

>Everyone was now in a state of panic.

Mike: Which is *not* one of the six states covered on radar.

> The plane was nearing
>Lawndale. Since word that the attempt to stop the plane failed
>since the task force based in Japan was not dispatched due to the
>Neo-Zero hijacking, everyone was shuddering to think where the
>plane would eventually wind up in.

Crow: I shudder to think of the school system that gave him
the skills to write that sentence.
Tom: Yeah! I mean, I'm so furious at the thought that the U.S.
couldn't defend itself without Japan's help, I can't express
my anger at how the sentence makes no sense!

> It was heading for Lawndale.

Mike: Yes, against all logic and common sense, it was really
heading for Lawndale.

>Phone calls were made to the White House, the Pentagon and to the
>nearest USAF base.

Tom: In none of these places was Prince Albert actually in a can.

> Hell had come to Lawndale, and it was on
>board a Boeing 747.
>

Tom: Usually Hell rides a really boss Harley.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Right now, at 25,000 feet, all that Ami could think about was
>that fuel was now almost exhausted.

Mike: Well, that and that "Meet Virginia" song.

> The needle crept up to "E".
>

Mike: Hey, time for "Talk Soup"!

>The flight attendant came into the cockpit.
>
>"Everyone is ready for an emergency landing," she said.
>
>Ami then said, "You've got to tell me how I can keep this plane
>level enough to make a belly landing."
>

Crow: [Ami] You work for the airline, so you *must* know how to fly
one these things.

>"You'll have to grab the stick and keep it level," instructed the
>flight attendant;

Tom: [Ami] But the stick juts straight up! I'd have to break it!

> " But first you'll have to disengage the auto
>pilot."
>

Mike: [Ami] Right! Ahem! Autopilot, I've met someone else.
Here's your ring back!

>The flight attendant went over to the auto pilot and deactivated
>it. Now the needle was right on "E".

Mike: Steve Kmetko, Arthelle Neville, help us!

> The engines were still
>running, but within a few seconds, they began to grind to a halt.

Mike: But the fanfic just kept right on going.

>Ami could see Lawndale right in front of her, and saw that the
>plane was going to head right for a football stadium.

Tom: Well here's a thought. *DON'T STEER TOWARD IT!*
Crow: And all the plot devices are beginning to reach critical mass.

> The plane
>began to fall down,

Tom: [resentful] Why?
Mike: [shrugging] You know. Just 'cause.

> nose first, and Ami and the others were
>thrown violently toward the front. Ami grabbed the stick and
>tried to keep the plane level. Somehow, the plane was fighting
>her, though.
>

Tom: Tyler Alan 747, you go right to your room!
Crow: [whiny] Nonononono, I don't wanna!

>"If I don't survive this, let the rest of the Sailor Senshi
>avenge my death!," said Ami to herself.
>

Mike: Yes! Let them raze Boeing's factories to the ground
until they develop more fuel-efficient passenger planes!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>

Tom: [announcer] Next week, on "Mississippi SportsNight Nematode
or Spackle"!

> Things were not going too good for Lawndale;

Tom: The Fashion Club hadn't sold a single brownie.

> they were now
>trailing 24-7.

Crow: And the game had been over for ten minutes.

> Kevin had just fumbled the ball and was now
>getting a good chewing out from Mack.
>

Mike: [Mack] You are a LAZY and SLOTHFUL quarterback, Kevin Thompson!
All: SHA-A-AME!

>"Kevin, you idiot, you're giving the game to Highland on a silver
>platter!," shrieked Mack.
>

Tom: [Kevin] Actually, it's a chafing dish.

>Kevin shot back, "Give me a break, Mack! I'm under a lot of
>pressure!"
>

Mike: [Kevin] It's pushing down on me! Pushing down on you!
No man ask for!

>"If we don't win this game," warned Mack, "we might as well write
>off any hopes of winning the conference title, and perhaps even
>the state playoffs!"
>

Crow: [Kevin] If we don't win, I hope a plane with a nuclear
bomb crashes into the school and kills everyone.

>While that was going on, Beavis and Butt-Head made one more
>attempt to score on Quinn.
>

Tom: Wow. Parallel developments.

>"Hey, Quinn, let's blow this game! It sucks!

Mike: [Beavis] The coach is refusing to use four wide-outs to
stretch the defense!

> Go back to our
>place and let's score!", Beavis said.
>

Crow: I think Beavis is with the Congressional Budget Office.
Tom: [Beavis] Hnh-hnh, yeah. SCORE the budget. That'll RULE!

>"If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to do something
>drastic!," screamed Quinn.
>

Mike: [Quinn] Maybe I'll cause a plane to fall outta the
air or something!

>Just then, everyone heard a loud "WHOOSH!"

Crow: Cool! Quinn's learned "the craft"!
Mike: It might just be Captain Vacuum Cleaner on his
usual patrol.

> Suddenly, the JAL 747
>fell out of the sky.

Tom: Oh, Y2K caught up with it.

> It seemed to be stable,

Tom: It came from a two-parent family, no drug or alcohol problems...

> but then it was too
>close to the stadium; it flew by it, and grazed a set of lights.
>The tower fell down. Everyone ran in panic.
>

Mike: A shot rang out! The woman screamed! A pirate ship loomed over

the horizon!
Tom: [crowd, panic] Oh no! We were too stupid to run when the danger
approached, and now that it's passed we're disoriented!

>"WHOA! I think there're filming 'Black Sunday II'!", Butt-Head
>said.
>

Crow: Well, it can't be as bad as "Any Given Sunday"!

>"Wait a minute, dillweed! 'Black Sunday' was about a blimp!",
>Beavis replied.
>

Tom: Stop! I refuse to believe that either of them can remember
anything about "Black Sunday". These two have no long term
memory!
Crow: [wailing] And thanks to "Misery Neo-Con Slap and Tickle",
neither do I!
Mike: Eyes on the prize, guys. Keep riffing.

>"No, assmunch!," shot back Butt-Head. "That was 'The
>Hindenburger' or something like that!"
>

Mike: The Hindenburger, new from Jack n' the Box.

>"I'll blow up your blimp, asswipe!," warned Beavis.
>

Mike: I'll blow up your blimp?
Crow: Beavis and Luke Cage must have the same dialogue
writers.

>"Go ahead and try, Beavis!," dared Butt-Head.
>

Crow: [Beavis] I'll leave your milk out!
Tom: [Butthead] I'll over-inflate your tires!
Crow: [Beavis] I'll let you operate heavy machinery after
taking Contact cold medicine!

>They got into a fist fight.

Crow: [Beavis] Miscreant!
Tom: [Butthead] Ne'er-do-weller!
Mike: Hey, you two watch your language!
Crow: [penitent] Oh, jeez!
Tom: Sorry Mike, I don't know what came over us!

> Quinn tried to get away but those
>two saw her go, then broke off their fight and went after her.
>Quinn ran screaming.
>

Tom: I'm glad that big fiery plane crash didn't distract from
the true focal point of the scene.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Ami tried her best to keep the plane level, but hitting the
>stadium lights didn't help matters.

Tom: Yeah, the objects you hit are usually the most inconvenient
part of the crash.

> The plane was almost on the
>ground now. Ami tried to concentrate, but it was no use; the
>stick was still fighting her.
>

Crow: This Senshi's fading fast, could this be the makings of
an upset?
Mike: Some superhero. Can't beat a stick.

>"Pull up! Pull up!," the flight attendant screamed. "WE'RE
>GOING TO CRASH!

Crow: [Ami] Thanks for the news flash, Lynne Russell!
Tom: The stewardess is fulfilling the "Counselor Troi" role
in the story.

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
>

Crow: Arthur Fonzarelli, in a role that will touch your heart.
Mike: Nah, there would be an "Y" at the end there. It's
different.

>The plane hit the ground like a lead balloon.

Tom: But on the plus side, Jimmy Page and Robert Plant knew what
to name their band now!

> It bounced and
>broke into several pieces before finally coming to rest.

Crow: [Ami] I swear I will not rest! Until the plane's crashed
and bounced around and broke a couple of times.

> Ami saw
>the flight attendant crash through the windshield and into a
>tree, killing her instantly.

Crow: Wow! The plane crash knows to take out the extras first!

> Ami conked her head against the
>stick and began to black out.

Mike: Ew, it's "The Anime According to Garp".
[Crow and Tom look at Mike quizzically.]
Mike: In the book, the car crash is a little graphic.
Tom: Oh.

> "Not now, not now. . . . .," she
>said, then lapsed into unconsciousness.
>

Crow: One woman is thrown with enough force to crash
*through* the windshield, while Ami just "conks" her
head?
Tom: Selective physics, I guess.
Mike: [announcer] "Mizzenmast Blintz-Cheese Needlejet Peanut
Brittle" will return, after these messages!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Anthony Corlew saw what happened, and took it for a sign.
>

Mike: A "Keep Right" sign, actually.

>"ATTACK!", he roared. Now the Lawndale Militia raced forward and
>the various troops stormed City Hall, the Police Station and the
>Courthouse.

Crow: You know, if they really wanted to control the town, they'd go
to the local video store and rent all the copies of "Bowfinger".

> Soon enough, since there was only token resistance,

Crow: Only the women and minorities fought back?

>they had taken over all three buildings.
>

Crow: There's only three buildings in Lawndale?
Mike: Turned them co-op, and hired a creepy old bald guy as super.

>Anthony boldly entered the Mayor's office, sat down in the chair,
>and propped his feet on his desk.
>

Tom: [Corlew] Poindexter, take a memo. From now on I shall be
addressed as the Exalted High Head Ned Limpopo. The town
drink will be Jack Daniels and our national pastime shall
be shuffleboard.

>"Gentlemen, at long last, Lawndale is ours!," he said in triumph.
>

Crow: [Corlew] Now, to proactively engage the zoning laws to
encourage development of the waterfront!

>It was the bleakest hour in Lawndale's history.
>

Mike: Except for that Bay City Rollers/Starland Vocal Band concert.
Crow: How much longer is this thing?
[The trio rise from their places and exit the theater.]

>-----------------------------------------------------------------

From mblackwl@ix.netcom.com Sun May 21 21:16:55 2000



[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . .]

[The Bridge]
[Tom and Crow are center stage.]

Crow: It's clearly animal cruelty.
Tom: Exactly. The Webster's definition of it. [Pause.] It
*is* in there, right? I mean, it's a dictionary, so
it'd almost have to -
Crow: [barging ahead] Always, the pain and suffering of any of
God's creatures brings sorrow to our hearts. But never
so much as when it's passed off as entertainment.
Tom: It's always the innocent ones who pay the price!
Crow: Like in today's story.
Tom: Right! A proud, majestic python shark, whose only crime was
being a mindless killing machine, destroying and devouring
anything and everything in its path, was murdered - MURDERED!
And in a manner heinous enough to boggle the mind.
Crow: They blowed him up bad!
Tom: Real bad!
Crow: And it was the work of terrorists!
Tom: Well, the work of one really stupid, half-crazed, Cat
Stevens-singing, incoherent dimbulb of a terrorist with
all the survival instincts of a toast point, but still...
Crow: What sin could a shark commit in a single lifetime -
Tom: [interrupting] *Anyway* - the worst part of it is, we never
got to know the shark as a character. What were its hopes?
Its dreams?
Crow: Did it long for a shark life better than the one its poor old
shark parents had?
Tom: Did it aspire to see its name up in lights? Did it yearn to
feel the love and warmth of a little baby shark?
Crow: How to fill this void in our lives? Thankfully, we have
some help in the form of our very own Gypsy!
Tom: Yep! Here she is with her tribute to our Benchley-esque
everyfish. Performing her one woman, one-act play,
"Hironamus Defined: An Omnivore's Story" - Gypsy!

[Tom and Crow move off-stage. The bridge lights dim. Into a single
spotlight, Gypsy enters center stage. She wear a purplish shark-type
fin on top of her head, and is still sporting the set of neo-choppers

Mike outfitted her with. She pauses a moment, standing pretty still.

Then, she turns to her left.]

Gypsy: Swim!

[She stays there for a few moments. She then turns to the right.]

Gypsy: Eat.

[Widen the shot to show Tom and Crow watching her approvingly.
Gypsy continues.]

Gypsy: Swim!

[She stays there for a few moments. She turns back to the left.]

Gypsy: Eat.

[Mike enters behind Tom and Crow.]

Mike: Guys, have you seen Gyps-
Tom and Crow: SHHH!
Gypsy: Swim! [pause, turn] Eat.
Mike: [whispering] Sorry to interrupt, but the ship's orbit is getting
kinda weird. Gypsy needs to make a course correction.
Tom: Well, fine, Mike, but just remember - Gyps is a method actor!
She has to stay in character!
Crow: Yeah, so her name is "Hironamus", and she's a single parent
python shark whose mother doesn't understand her
Tom: And she only gets by with the help of her ruggedly handsome
next-door neighbor, Bronson.
Crow: He's a gigolo with a heart of gold.
Tom: And then she gets blown up by a bomb.
Crow: Bingo. It's a vivid portrayal of the futility of life.
Tom: Just like "Doctor Doolittle."
Mike: Right. Python. Bronson. Bomb. Doolittle. Gotcha.

[Mike approaches Gypsy.]
Mike: Hermopodus?
Gypsy: [startled] Swim?
Mike: [taking out a long computer printout] Hey, Hermopodus, I got
the latest flight data off the azimuth recorder-
Gypsy: [staring at Mike] Swim?
Mike: And at this trajectory, it looks to me like we're suffering
from a 9.8 degree overshoot - probably just an ion storm
disruption of the solar wind.
Gypsy: [staring at Mike, softly sinister] Eat.
Mike: So, what we're probably lookin' at here is -

[Gypsy rears back, opens her mouth, and swallows Mike's head.]

Mike: [screaming, terrified] AAAUGH! MY WINDPIPE!!
Tom: Wow! Now THAT'S pathos!

[They engage in a desperate tug of war. They keep struggling as the
buzzer sounds.]

Crow: Aw, no, Misery sign! And we never even got to the big
wedding scene!
Mike: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Tom: Ah, c'mon, Mike, stop playing around and get in the theater,
ya big ham!
Mike: [still struggling desperately] CROW! SERVO! GOD! BRONSON!
ANYBODY! MY HAIR IS BEING SUCKED DOWN HER TUBE!

[The two pull each other out of shot as the door sequence begins.]


[6. . . 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2. . . 1. . . ]

[All enter. Mike is smoothing down his hair]

Mike: Boy, when Gypsy acts, she really inhabits her role.
Tom: *sniff**sniff* Geez, Nelson, you smell like old mackerel!
Mike: Like I said, she *really* inhabits her role.


>---------------------------------------------------------------

>
>Data 8: Ami Joins the Free Lawndalers
>

Tom: Ami joins the militiamen? What the-?

>When Ami came to, she could see in the haze that wreckage was
>strewn everywhere. She was feeling groggy.

Crow: Thankfully, the plane crashed next to a Starbuck's.
Tom: How can a plane *not* crash by a Starbuck's these days?
Mike: Hmm. Ami never has a second cup after my plane crashes...

> There were flames
>everywhere, since there was some flammable material on board,

Tom: Sometimes called "passengers".

>and the smell of burning flesh was everywhere.

Tom: See?
Mike: Man, that's the last time I book the same flight as a
Buddhist monk.

> Ami though her
>eyes were playing tricks on her when she thought she saw two
>familiar faces.

Crow: [Ami] Daryl Hall and John Oates? What the-

> She began to speak, though she still was a
>bit groggy-headed:
>

Tom: [Ami] Oy, the colors! Hoyle!

>"Usagi-chan, Mamoru, is that you? And if it is,

Mike: -what the HELL do I have to do to ditch you two?!

> why are you in
>that ridiculous cheerleading uniform, Usagi-chan, and why is
>Mamoru dressed up like a American rules football player?"
>

Tom: [Usagi] Hey, do we pry into *your* private life?
Crow: It's Sailor Boink and Tuxedo Lout!

>"I don't know what you're talking about," Brittany said.

Crow: Introduction time, brace yourselves.

> "My
>name is Brittany Taylor, head cheerleader at Lawndale High;
>this is my boyfriend, Kevin Thompson, star quarterback for our
>team." She was twirling her hair again.
>

Tom: [Ami] Hm. Either Japan got real stupid or... hey, America!
Crow: They're very calm about the whole plane crash thing.

>Ami was now getting used to her surroundings. The moans of the
>injured and dying could be heard everywhere.

Crow: You know, Mike? I'm glad we're not dwelling on how anyone
could survive a crash severe enough to shear the plane in half.
Tom: Most folks would be wondering how the *hell* Ami could walk
away from an accident that flung a nude stewardess out the
window!
Crow: But not us.
Tom: Uh-uh. We've matured.
Mike: Oh. Well, good.

> The wreckage was
>scattered for about several hundred feet. At least the plane
>managed to avoid the football field.
>

Tom: No property damage, but at least a lot of people got hurt!

>Ami now began to ask questions: "Where am I?"
>

Mike: [evilly] The village.
Tom: [Ami] Who are you?
Crow: Stop that.

>"You're in Lawndale," Kevin responded.
>

Crow: [Kevin] Shall we laugh maniacally?
Tom: [Brittany] Yes, lets!
Bots: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mike: Oh, like she knows where that is! Stop pretending!

>"Are there any casualties?," Ami wanted to know.
>

Mike: What happened to all the moaning and writhing people?
Tom: Um, they got better?

>"We saw a lot of icky dead bodies around here! EW!," Brittany
>responded.
>

Mike: [Brittany] But none of those casualty thingies.
Tom: Well there's one person who didn't survive the first five
minutes of "Saving Private Ryan".

>Ami could see that there was a lot of carnage around. It was
>sickening. Ami felt like she wanted to throw up.

Mike: Is the nausea from the plane crash, or from the in flight
movie "Death of a Salesperson", with Adam Sandler, Pauley
Shore, and Fran Drescher?

> She staggered,
>not noticing that she had a big gash on her head, the result of
>the tiara she wore cutting into her forehead when it hit the
>control stick.

Crow: Isn't that like Superman tripping on his cape, or Batman
suffocating 'cuz he put his cowl on backwards?

> The blood was dripping all over her seirafuku.

Tom: Club Soda. Get it right out.

>It was like something out of a nightmare, except this was for
>real.

Mike: It was like something from the warped brain of a sick fan,
except this was posted on the Internet.

> At least Akbar had been thrown out of the plane along with
>his nuclear device before it went off. That would have made
>matters infinitely worse.

Crow: Yeah, I'd say so.

> Ami began to count the small blessings
>right now.
>


Crow: [Ami] Okay, 1: I got this gig instead of that role on
"Enigma". 2: That cool new Smash Mouth CD is out. 3: I'm
ahead of Usagi on the "Cute Anime Babes" website...

>"I only hope that word gets out that I'm OK to my friends back in
>Japan", she said.

Tom: Cause she's really big in Japan.
Mike: Just like Tom Waits.

> She now saw the damage to herself. The blouse
>of her seirafuku was ripped, and part of her bra beneath that was
>ripped off, exposing her left breast.

Crow: Y'know, I have a suspicion that Pete has a thing for the
chesticular region.
Mike: Maybe. He's awfully furtive about it.

> Her miniskirt was also
>tattered, and her boots were scuffed.

Crow: [horrified] No! Not *scuffed boots!*
Mike: Get a bootblack over here! We need 10 cc's of polish and
buff rag, STAT!

> Ami needed some attention.
>

Crow: Exposing your breast would certainly indicate that.

>"We've got to have a doctor check you out!," Kevin stated.
>

Tom: (Kevin] I mean, he will not friggin' *believe* this! WOW!

>"OK by me," Ami replied. Ami was so overwhelmed by what she saw
>that she began to cry.

Mike: [Ami, crying] I can't believe he called a doctor before a
seamstress! It's like he *wants* my breasts exposed or
something!

> She was going to Germany so she could
>become a doctor and help end people's suffering, but now she
>needed some of that attention herself.

Tom: Isn't it - well, you know.
Crow: Thanks, Alanis.

> Somehow, she thought she
>saw a vision of Amaterasu-Omikami before her.

Crow: [Goddess, catty] Oh! Look who's dying! Ms. "I'm Too Good
To Be A Sailor Scout"!

> She began to speak
>some words or encouragement to her:
>

Mike: I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL ALABAMA-OKLAHOMA!!! PAY NO
ATTENTION TO THAT WRITER BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!!

>"My child, be strong. The world is in peril, but you and your
>friends will prevail. Thus have I sworn!'

Tom: It's nice to see Yul Brynner still getting work.
Mike: Not even death can stop his agent.

> The vision seemed to
>dissolve.
>

Crow: But what it really did was open a new boutique in San
Francisco.
Tom: Now add the ice cubes, refrigerate, and you have the
recipe for Jello's Quick-Set Goddess!

>"Amaterasu-Omakami!," Ami cried out; "Don't leave me in my time
>of need!"

Tom: [goddess, waving] Be sure to check out my website!
www.amaterasuomakami.com!

> She stretched her arms out to the vision, which had
>now completely vanished.
>

Mike: [Ami, weepy] I just wanted a hug.

>Ami collapsed and began to cry furiously.
>

Tom: [Ami] She saw me with no mascara on! I'm so embarrassed!

>Brittany herself was now on the verge of tears.

Tom: [Brittany] Gah, what's that smell?! Whew!

> She hugged
>Kevin.
>
>"Why us? Why our community? Why now?," she sobbed.
>

Bots: Why? o/~ Blame Canada! Blame Canada! o/~
Mike: *Sigh* Maybe the Canadians and the Japanese will get so
caught up arguing over who gets you two, they'll overlook
me.

>"I wish I knew the answers, Brittany," was all that Kevin could
>say.

Crow: [Kevin] I wish I had the brains God gave a rubber tree,
Brit. But sometimes ya just gotta make do!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------

Tom: [quickly] Misery Wizardry Nitpick A-Mundo!

>The football field was all in confusion now.

Mike: Well that's what you get for trying to take the field when the
marching band refuses to yield.

> Everyone was on the
>field, tending to whoever they could find alive.

Crow: [Lawndale rube] Does it hurt when I do this?
Tom: [victim] AAAAAAAUGH!
Crow: Cool! How about this?
Mike: It's good to see that Dr. Forrester's legacy lives on.

> Mr. DeMartino
>went to Ms. Li and spoke to her rather harshly:
>

Tom: [DeMartino] Ooh ooh, you...bad lady!

>"I hope you're goddamn satisfied!

Crow: [Bill Cosby] I hobe you sabisfied!
Mike: I don't really think you can hold Ms. Li responsible on
this one.
Tom: It's not like she put up a "Terrorists: Fly here!" sign or
anything.

> You went ahead with the game
>and we just became the target of an international terrorist!

Mike: [DeMartino] Just like I SOMEHOW predicted EARLIER!

> I
>will report this matter to the State Education Department!"
>

Tom: Because as we all know, a high school football game is
always a ripe target for international terrorism!
Crow: There's a breakdown in logic here so massive, I don't even
know where to begin.

>"If you do that," Ms. Li warned, "I'll see to it that you never
>work in this state as a teacher ever again!

Mike: Hm. You know, most time when people makes threats? It's
something *bad*.

> Hell, I'll make sure
>you can't work in this entire country as a teacher ever again!

Crow: The Lawndale school board has that much power? Really?
Mike: Proposition 413: Should the Lawndale school board be
able to wield supreme power over school hirings across
the country? Passed with 83%.

>The only way you'll ever get a job teaching is in some straw hut
>in Burkina Faso as part of the Peace Corps!"
>

Tom: Just get a job as a garbage man. Higher pay, people
respect you more...

>Mr. DeMartino couldn't hold his anger against her back any
>longer. His right eye bulged out and he yelled:
>

Mike: *YAHTZEE!*

>"Angela Li, you are nothing but a greedy, egotistical bitch!"
>

Crow: [lovingly] But you're *my* greedy egotistical bitch!

>With that, he huffed out of the area.
>

Tom: And Ms. Li ran from the remains of her straw house, to her
brother's, which was made of wood!

>Timothy O'Neill, the English teacher, was tending to someone who
>just went to cardiac arrest.

Mike: Tim O'Neill *is*, Heart Cop! NBC Sunday!

> He was performing CPR. A doctor
>checked the person over.
>

Crow: [doctor] Hm, sensible clothing, both breasts fully covered...
nope, there's nothing I can do here.

>"I'm sorry, but we've lost him," the doctor said.
>

Mike: Well, where'd you put him last? Look under the couch
cushions.

>Mr. O'Neill stood there, the life drained out of him.

Tom: He's now a half strength wight.

> He began to
>weep.
>

Mike: [Godley & Crème] o/~ You don't even know how to say goodbye!
It makes me wanna CRYYYYYYYYY! o/~

>Jane and Quinn were tending to someone who had a broken leg.

Crow: Wow, when Lawndale made a year of pre-med a graduating
requirement for grade school, I guess they knew what they
were doing.

>Quinn took some wooden boards that were laying on the side while
>Jane took her jacket off, ripped it up and used the strips to
>bind the boards to the leg.

Tom: Hopefully with the nails pointed out...
Mike: Weren't Beavis and Butthead chasing Quinn before?
Crow: Eh. Considering the number of exposed breasts floppin' around,
they're probably paralyzed and drooling somewhere.

> Soon enough he was taken to Lawndale
>Hospital.
>

Mike: [ghost story] And the nameless character with the minor injury
was never seen again. Some say he still haunts this field.

>In all the commotion no one noticed when a group of Lawndale
>Militia soldiers approached the football field. Anthony stood in
>front of the troops.
>

Tom: Directly in the line of fire.
Crow: [Corlew] OK, guys, remember! This is two-hand touch! So no
gunplay until you're five yards beyond the line of scrimmage!

>"Now, people, we've got the town!," he announced. "Now, let's
>take its people!"

Crow: What is that, a song lyric?

> With that they stormed into the facility, guns
>blazing. The charging troops lead to mass panic everywhere.


Mike: Yes, that's the way to endear yourself - attack the wounded.
Crow: Well! This has certainly been one busy beaver of day!
Tom: Yeah, after this the town'll be ready for nice, relaxing
vacation in downtown Chechnya.
Mike: Meanwhile, Kevin's wandering around in a daze, wondering
when they're going to finish the game...

>
>In the confusion, Jane and Quinn were separated.

Mike: Jane was beaten until fluffy, while Quinn was added to a
custard later that evening.

> Jane lost track
>of where Quinn was. Quinn was being jostled by the crowd. Then,
>suddenly, an arm jerked her out of the crowd.
>

Crow: Thank you, Thing!
Tom: Choppy writing. Making me sick.

>"Jane, am I glad to see you!," Quinn began to say, but then she
>saw who yanked her, and heard the hideous laughter.

Mike: [shocked] Paul Chaplin!
Crow: [confused] Who?

> Quinn
>screamed as Beavis began to grope her breasts while Butt-Head
>grabber her legs.

Crow: You have to admire their stick-to-it-iveness here.
Tom: Yup, they set a goal, and they're taking concrete steps
to achieve it.

> Those two picked her up and carried her off.
>

Tom: How?

>"I'm gonna go home and spank my monkey!," Beavis said.
>

Mike: I dunno, is corporal punishment *really* the answer?

>"Yeah, then we're going to score!," Butt-Head added.
>

Tom: You'd think the militia would shoot at this.

>Ami, Brittany and Kevin saw what was going on from a few feet
>away.
>

Mike: Then why don't they *do* something?
Crow: Man! Lawndale really needs one of them "Good Samaritan"
laws!

>"Oh, my god! Beavis and Butt-Head just kidnapped Quinn!,"
>Brittany shrieked.
>

Crow: Ahhh! They're going to show her a bunch of Poison and
Ratt videos!
Mike: [Brittany] If only someone cared enough to extend their arms!

>Ami saw what was going on, and tried to summon whatever energy
>she had left to use her Shabon Spray,

Tom: -which had half the calories of butter or margarine.

> but the exertion was too
>much. She began to black out.
>

Tom: [Ami] Shouldn't... have bought... non-aerosol... pump...
Crow: o/~ That was the night that the lights went out in Ami! o/~

>Mr. DeMartino saw what was going on. "Everyone who can, retreat
>to the school!," he shouted.
>

Mike: [DeMartino] And if you can't YOU'RE on your own! BYE!

>Many people did. The whole area was becoming a mob scene. Chaos
>was now ruling Lawndale.

Mike: But soon, Maxwell Smart and his agents from CONTROL would
show up.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Beavis and Butt-Head had arrived at the bus stop with Quinn.
>Quinn was pleading with her captors:
>

Crow: [Quinn] Don't make me ride the bus!

>"Please let me go! I'll do anything you want!

Tom: o/~ But I won't do that... o/~
Mike: Tom!
Tom: What?

> My parents are
>loaded!

Crow: [Quinn] They've been drinking non-stop for days now!
They'll be really easy to convince!

> They'll pay you any ransom you want!"
>

Tom: [Quinn] Our estate at Cambridge? It's yours!

>"Shut up, bitch!," Beavis snapped at her. "We're going to score
>with you, and you'll just lay back and enjoy it!

Mike: [Beavis] And then, we're like, gonna hold hands, and make
big plans about stuff we know won't happen!

> I'm getting a
>stiffie just thinking about it! HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-
>HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!"
>
>Butt-Head joined in with his "UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-
>HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!"
>

Tom: Wonderful. Now my silicon soul is permanently stained.

>The bus pulled up to the stop.

Crow: Then exploded as it's odometer went under 50.

> Quinn screamed for help.

Mike: She had never ridden the bus before.
Tom: Well, it can be pretty overwhelming.

> Beavis,
>however, got on board,

Crow: Oh my god! The tension! It's unbearable!

> kicked off the driver,

Crow: [gulping for air] Mike! Mike! I'm palpitating!
Mike: Easy, easy!

> and let Butt-Head
>and Quinn in.

Tom: On a little secret! The plot was *rigged*! Quinn was
perfectly safe!

> Beavis took over driving the bus, which was empty.

Tom: Butt-Head and Quinn watched from the curb, wondering why
Beavis was leaving without them.

>Butt-Head undid Quinn's bra and used it as a gag.
>

Tom: Why would he want to gag himself?
Mike: Who cares, let's just count our blessings.

>"Man, you've got big hooters!," Butt-Head said as he looked
>underneath Quinn's shirt.

Mike: Ironically, Quinn chose this day to wear her "Hooters"
T-shirt.

> Quinn slapped him.
>

Crow: What good's the gag if her hands are free?
Mike: It's kidnapping on the honor system.

>"OW! You bitch! Why'd you do that?

Tom: [Quinn] I'm sorry, an ugly sexist idiot landed on your cheek.

> I was just complimenting
>you!"
>

Tom: [Quinn] You're lucky you didn't say anything about my hair!

>Beavis drove live a demon all the way back to Highland.

Tom: Jason Blood, Driver's Ed instructor!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Lawndale High now had the air of a M*A*S*H unit.

Mike: It had become preachy and humorless, and Alan Alda
was directing everything.

> The injured
>were everywhere. Doctors and nurses were taking care of them.

Crow: Nurse! We need more limes and coconuts over here, stat!

>At the auditorium, all those who were able were gathered.

Tom: And in the back of the auditorium are five AV geeks,
fighting over who gets to run the projector.

> Ami
>had her injuries tended to, and now was feeling a bit better.

Mike: [Ami] Could someone get me some warm miso, please?

>Mr. DeMartino was on stage, and he had a TV set on.

Tom: It was part of his one-man show "DeMartino Takes On".

> The news was
>grim. The Lawndale Militia now had control of the entire town,
>and all but forty-five passengers had died in the crash,

Crow: [narrator] The rest had been shot by Akbar beforehand.

> and the
>death toll was mounting. Bobbie Baptistia on CNN stated that the
>militia had seized the mayor, the police chief and the city
>judge.

Mike: And the pastry chef from the Sheraton, so you know the
continental breakfast'll be good.

> Things were grim outside as well: The report of the Neo-
>Zero theft and the subsequent bombing of Tokyo were given just a
>much coverage.

Mike: Nice to know a terrorist attack on a major global population
center gets *just as much air time* on CNN as a bunch of
drunken suburban yahoos.
Crow: Well, Ted's been distracted ever since Hanoi Jane left him.

> Ami went into shock when she heard that.
>

Crow: She went into shock because they're covering Lawndale just
as much as they are that Neo-Zero thingie?
Mike: It must be the morphine.

>"My friends! Who knows if they're all right?," Ami wondered.
>

Mike: I'll go out on a limb and say they might.

>Jane was also worried, since Daria was over there.
>

Crow: [Jane] Poor Japan.

>"Good god!," she said, "I hope Daria is all right!"
>

Tom: [Jane] And I hope I internalize future concerns, since an
outburst like this is very much out of my character!

>Ami turned around and saw Jane.
>
>"Jane Lane, right?," she asked.
>

Tom: Right. You get a cookie.

>Jane was stunned; "Yeah, how did you know?," she asked.
>

Mike: [Ami] I know your cousin, Lois. You look just like her!

>Ami replied, "I'm Mizuno Ami, Daria's friend." Right now was not
>the time to beat around the bush about her secret identity as
>Sailor Mercury;

Crow: When *do* they hide their identities, exactly?
Tom: [Ami] Well! It is time for Mizuno Ami, also known as Sailor
Mercury, to hit the can! Watch my seat.

> besides, they had taken off her clothes when they
>tended to her injuries

Tom: [Ami] But it's just a sinus headache!
Crow: Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say! Now strip, sister!

> and gave her a Lawndale High T-shirt and
>blue jeans to wear.
>

Crow: Now she blended right in.
Mike: Oh, she and Kevin have the same bra size!
Crow: Lucky.

>"You're the one who asked Daria over to Japan!," Jane continued.

Tom: [Jane] This is all your fault, DIE!

>"How did you wind up here, and what's happened to Daria?"

Crow: It's a really, *really* long story. You don't wanna know.

>
>"It's a complicated story," Ami began.

Mike: [Ami] I was on the plane, and Daria's a Sailor Scout.
"Complicated" is English for "straightforward", right?

> "And I don't know
>anything about this Neo-Zero business. I didn't have anything to
>do with the JAL plane being hijacked, either, in case you were
>wondering about that."
>

Tom: But she *is* responsible for MTV preempting Daria for
months at a time.

>Jane took a close look at Ami.

Mike: o/~ Jane's gettin' serious. o/~

> Somehow she could sense the
>spiritual affinity that she shared with Daria. Daria and Jane,
>after all, were the least liked in school,

Mike: Upchuck must've learned how to pirate cable.

> and it seemed that Ami
>seemed to be in that same category, or at least she had suffered
>some hardships.
>

Crow: Yeah, 'cause Ami's mom is an overbearing...um, well, her
sister's an air -- no. Hell, they're in there somewhere.

>"Ami, you're not telling me the whole story here," Jane shot
>back. "What's happening here? What's happening to all of us?"
>

Crow: [Jane] We were all so close once...

>Ami looked deep into Jane's blue eyes. She could sense that Jane
>really valued Daria even if the rest of the school didn't.
>

Mike: You should always take care of your personal organ bank.

>"How long have you known each other?," she asked her.
>
>"Ever since we met in kindergarten," Jane replied;

Tom: Now come on! It was made very clear in Episode One that
Daria and Jane hadn't met before!
Crow: Don't fanfic authors have some basic responsibility to
know what the hell they're talking about?
Mike: You ask this on Page 243?

> "My family
>moved here from Highland after second grade, but then Daria moved
>here a couple of years back.

Mike: [Ami] Ah! Then Santa and his holy reindeer gave you the
super power of detachment to fight crime, yes?
> Not only that, she's got a crush on
>my brother Trent."
>

Tom: Wow, thanks for that totally irrelevant fact, Jane!
Crow: You can tell she values her position as Daria's confidant.

>Suddenly, Ami could see deep into Jane's soul.

Crow: Ah, the morphine's kicking in finally.
Mike: [Ami] Hey! An unexplored inclination towards bisexuality!
This could get interesting!

> She could see
>Daria and Trent.

Crow: Playing table tennis? With hockey scores beneath them?
Tom: Jane's soul gets ESPN2!

> She could see them about to kiss, but it seemed
>that suddenly Queen Beryl came out of nowhere and snatched Trent
>from Daria.

Mike: His publicist. He's late for his shoot with Liebowitz. Sid
Liebowitz, the photo manager at Sears?
Tom: Oh, right. I admire his work with screaming children.

> "This isn't right!," she said, and began to black
>out.
>

Mike: I've been saying that the whole story long...
Tom: So, basically everybody and their dog is reincarnated from
the Silver Millennium.

>"It must be the medicine they gave you," Jane told her; "It's
>probably playing tricks on your brain."
>

Crow: [Jane] I like talking best when you're blacked out, Ami!
You're such a good listener!

>Ami felt that had to be it. She remembered that it was Endymion
>who was taken away from Princess Serenity, not Trent from Daria.

Tom: Uh oh, *someone*'s drawing parallels again.

>but somehow the shock of everything was taking its toll on her.
>She collapsed.
>
>"Ami, Ami, are you OK?," yelled Jane, shaking Ami.
>

Crow: Yeah, that's the stuff. Exacerbate that concussion,
encourage that brain clot!

>Nothing was OK for her. She seemed to have been transported into
>the middle of a raging sea.

Mike: Wow, it really *is* Diarrhea. Look.

> She was now nude.

Tom: That's really a given by this point, isn't it?
Mike: She should also start complaining about her small breasts.

> Suddenly, it
>seemed every enemy the Sailor Senshi ever faced swarmed out of
>nowhere.
>

Mike: Yeah, there's Oscar, Dr. Thinker, Nav, Darren Shivo, Kane,
Pete....
Crow: Don't bother listing them all, or we'll never get out of here.

>"Now we will have our revenge!," roared Kunzite, and it seemed he
>had a long dagger that he flung right at Ami.

Crow: Is Midway really the best place to resolve all this?
Mike: "Victory at Sea" starts playin' in the background, Admiral
Yamamoto's on the "Akago" screamin' at them to get out of
the way...
Tom: Hm. I don't recall Ensign Gay mentioning a nude Japanese
schoolgirl...

> Ami dodged it,
>only to bump up right against Ann.
>

Crow: The great villains: Joker - Ghidorah - Dr. Doom - and *Ann*!
Tom: [shocked] Ann! You look a little raggedy!

>"I never got to kiss Mamoru, and it's all your fault!," she
>yelled.

Mike: Gerald Ford grabbed her. "You caused me to lose the
1976 election!"
Crow: Bill Buckner! "You made me muff Mookie Wilson's ground
ball in the '86 World Series!"
Tom: David Kelly! "You made me create 'Snoops'!"

>
>With that, it seemed Ann drew out a red hot poker and stuck it
>right across Ami's abdomen. Ami seemed to be screaming in agony.
>

Mike: She doesn't know if she's screaming in agony or not?
Crow: She has self-awareness issues.

>Sailor Galaxia came out of nowhere and seemed to rip open the
>heavens and the earth.

Tom: Argh! Who *are* these people? Elves, spirits, Shriners? What?!

> Ami seemed to be sucked into a black
>hole. When she hit bottom, she seemed to be in an area that was
>completely dark.

Mike: And then Regis asked her for her final answer.

> She was now clad in her Sailor Mercury
>seirafuku.

Tom: Is she wearing a bra? We'll let you decide that, dear
reader.

> Suddenly, strong, intense shafts of light appeared,

Crow: And the Power Rangers appear to further muddle the plot.

>and the rest of the Sailor Senshi stood there, with scowls on
>their faces.

Mike: [random Sailor] Someone's been dipping into the slumber
party fund...

> Not only that, but it seemed that Tuxedo Mask and
>Moonlight Knight were there as well, along with many of her other
>friends.
>

All: SURPRISE!!! o/~ Happy Birthday to you...o/~

>"Grandpa is dead now because you wanted to go to Germany!" Rei
>seemed to scream.

Tom: [Vincent Price] Nothing is as it seems...

> Then she brandished a demon banishment scroll
>and shrieked "AKURYO TAISAN!" in the loudest voice possible as
>she flung the scroll at Ami.
>

Mike: [Rei] Oh, here, I graded your midterm. Good style, work on
your grammar.

>"I think you had plenty to do with Mamoru breaking up with me
>five years ago after Chibi-Usa arrived," Usagi said.

Crow: [Ami] Well *maybe*, Usagi, if you'd laid off the Sailor
Sundae Bar, Mamoru wouldn't have left!

> "For that,
>you will pay! MOON PRINCESS HALATION!"

Crow: Got Moon Princess Halitosis? Try new Lunarsterine!

> Ami seemed to be
>screaming in agony.
>

Tom: I *seem* to be in rapt attention, but it's all in the way
I nod my head.

>"You're the real 'Dumpling Head' around here!

Crow: Mmmm-mmm! I good use a nice big heaping bowl of dumpling
heads right about now.

> You abandoned us!
>You betrayed us!,"

Tom: *YOU* forgot to clean the plates before loading the dishwasher!

> Tuxedo Mask said as he flung a rose dart.
>

Mike: [Tuxedo Mask] Accursed rose dart! Away with thee!

>Everyone was yelling over and over again, "COWARD! TRAITOR!
>SPINELESS COWARD!"
>

Crow: [Senshi] SPINELESS TRAITOR! Wait- did we use that one?
What about "coward"?

>The voices seemed to be going on and on and on and on. . .
>

Mike: Much like... Oh, hell. You can finish that joke on your
own, folks.
Crow: Andy Warhol films are shorter than this!

>Finally, Ami couldn't take it any more, and began screaming,
>"MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!"
>

Tom: Yet the writing continued, unabated.

>Suddenly, a bright red flash ripped Ami back to reality.

Crow: Yes, the onset of nuclear war brings the day to a perfect close.

> It
>seemed that Mr. DeMartino slapped her across the face to calm her
>down.
>

Tom: [DeMartino] It seems SOMEONE feels they can shirk their
RESPONSIBILITY by having a *NIGHTMARISH DREAM SEQUENCE!*

>"Sorry, kid, but I had to do that to calm you down," he began.
>The TV was turned off now, and he went back to the stage. It
>seemed that he was going to make a speech.
>

Mike: That's when the real panic began.
Tom: [agitated] What's with all this "seeming"? Can't
something just actually _happen_!
Crow: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 1999, wear sunscreen.
Mike: Crow, we did that one earlier.
Crow: And we'll keep doing it until it's funny!

>"I knew that the day would come," he began, with his right eye
>once again bulging out, "that something like this was going to
>happen.

Mike: Don't you hate it when rampaging lunatics go and validate
the views of other rampaging lunatics?
Tom: It just creates a whole awkward "chain nut" situation.

> Mr. Corlew and his associates in the Lawndale Militia
>had been plotting to overthrow the local government for some time
>now. But I was not going to stand idly by and let them get away
>with it!

Tom: [DeMartino] Sure, I *COULD* have warned the AUTHORITIES or
SOMETHING, but, no, I had to act like a PARANOID LOON!

> NO! NOT I, ANTHONY DEMARTINO! I was prepared for
>this!"
>

Mike: [DeMartino] And my PLAN to RUN AWAY at the FIRST sign of
trouble worked like a CHARM!!!

>He paused to draw the curtains of the stage, and it seemed that a
>whole stockpile of weaponry was right behind him.

Tom: Wow! No wonder the Theater Club always got their budgets
approved!
Mike: Nah, he used the word "seem". We're still in Ami's dream
sequence. See, there's Captain Janeway armwrestling an
Irishman.

> He continued:
>
>"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I prepared for this very moment!

Crow: By piling crucial resources in an unguarded location?

> I
>managed to get some weapons stockpiled myself so I can raise my
>own little group and take back this town!

Tom: Once again, it's the good psychos versus the evil psychos.

> From here on end, you
>are all part of the Lawndale Resistance Movement, or the Free
>Lawndalers for short.

Mike: The Resistance Movement of Lawndale?
Crow: No, we're the Lawndale Resistance Movement!
Tom: Or the People's Front of Judea!
Mike: What about the People's Front of Lanwdale?
Tom: Piss off!
Crow: We're the Lawndale People's Front!

> It is a shame that those who wish to
>subvert everything this nation stands for bully and intimidate
>the silent majority who stand by our democratic institutions.

Crow: But enough about the Clintons.

>These so-called right wing militias and taxpayers groups are
>really wolves in sheep's' clothing.

Tom: [DeMartino] No, wait, they're foxes in caribou's clothing! Or
are they macaques in mullet's clothing? I can never remember.
Mike: [kids] Yeah, yeah, mercenaries bad, "the people" good. We get
it. Can we start shooting things now?

> They claim they want to
>restore 'constitutional government' but in reality want to
>install a fascist dictatorship that would exterminate the poor,
>the elderly, minorities and the disabled.

Crow: And then... they'll kill all the puppies!
Mike: I see that Mr. Goodwin will be paying a visit.
Crow: Oh, please. Not even he's strong enough to stop this
freight train of a story.
Tom: [writing] ...and the disabled.
Mike: Tom?
Tom: Just writing something down for later use.

> Is this what our
>Founding Fathers wanted when they established our nation?

Crow: Actually, Hamilton did say in Federalist Paper #34, "Hey!
The first thing we should do when we take over the country
is start a dictatorship, and kill off the poor, the old folks,
and those blasted Conneticutters!"
Tom: Well, that's because he's a Hamiltonian, and refused to
take Gallatin's lead....
Mike: Let's not go there, L. Neil.

> I tell
>you loud and I tell you clearly: NO! If we just stand by while
>the Anthony Corlews and the Timothy McVeighs and the Bob Schulzes

Mike: [DeMartino, rambling] And the PURPLE horseshoes and the YELLOW
stars and the RED balloons...

>of this nation try to subvert the principles of equal rights and
>equal justice,

Crow: [DeMartino] ...then they'll shoot other PEOPLE and leave us
ALONE! Um, wait, that's not right.

> then we have truly lost the battle.

Crow: [DeMartino] So let's go mow THEM down like POND SCUM!
Mike: By now every kid has grabbed a box of hand grenades and an M60
and gotten the hell out of there.

> These Neo-Nazis
>must be stopped, for as the old Latin saying goes, 'Quis custodiet
>ipsos custodes?'--'Who watches the watchmen?'"
>

Tom: This guy needs psychiatric testing... Like a Roarshach test.
Mike: What a Comedian.
Crow: Knock it off, you couple of Night Owls.

>Mr. DeMartino paused and went up to Ami.
>

Mike: [DeMartino] So, DOLLFACE - what're you doing AFTER the counter-
revolution?

>"Young lady," he told her, "I sense that you seem to have
>abilities far greater than any of us here.

Crow: Since you're not wearing a bra and all.
Tom: [Obi Wan] I sense a great disturbance in the breast- I
mean, force!

> We could use them in
>our battle. Will you join us in repelling the Lawndale Militia
>from here?"
>
>Ami was too groggy to say "No."
>

Crow: Is she too groggy to say "antidisestablishmentarianism"?

>"All right, I will," she replied.
>

Mike: [makes balancing motion with his hands] Four syllables, one
syllable. One, four. Yep, much easier to say four.

>"Very well, then," Mr. DeMartino replied. "We will move out at
>once and retake this town from the enemy!"

Mike: Is it Lawndale or Calumet, Colorado? You make the call!
Tom: Did Guerin just add "Red Dawn" to the crossover compost?
Mike: Well... sorta. Not exactly. Hard to say.

> Soon everyone
>received weapons and began to move out.

Crow: Oh, good. The teenagers are armed. I can't see any way
they'd possibly regret this.

> The battle to retake
>Lawndale had begun.

Crow: [British] It's a bloody war, lads, but it's the only one
we've got!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------

Mike: And now, more "Matzah Ball Kreplach Wonton and Spaetzel"!

>Beavis, Butt-Head and Quinn had arrived back at Highland.

Crow: Highland! The Wisconsin of Texas!

> The
>two boys opened the door to their crumbling house and threw Quinn
>like a sack of potatoes into a closet, which they promptly locked
>up.
>

Tom: They're acting like a pair of *mashers*! HA!
Crow: Quinn better keep an *eye* on them!
Tom: Or she'll get *tuber*culosis!
Mike: OK, guys. Enough.

>Quinn could hear them through the keyhole:
>

Crow: [English] Well, I don't know about you, but I'm simply
famished, Butt-head.
Tom: [English] Oh, quite so, dear Beavis, quite so. Shall we
repair to the kitchen for a brief meal?

>"Yeah, we've got Diarrhea's sister now, Beavis!," shrieked Butt-
>Head.
>

Tom: So, they've got incontinence?

>"Yeah, cool!," replied Beavis, then went into his "HEH-HEH-HEH-
>HEH-HEH!"
>

Mike: [narrator] Yes, Beavis withdrew deep into his laugh-like
mantra, in order to meditate on the day's alarming
developments.

>Butt-Head then said, "I'm going to score with her first!"
>

Crow: [Mrs. Cartman] Haven't you ever heard of a manage o' three?
Tom: [Chef] Yeah, when two women are involved.

>"No, dillweed!," said an angry Beavis; "I'm gonna score with her
>first!"
>
>"No, I am!," roared Butt-Head.
>

Mike: Cue Pumaman-esque fight sequence.

>Beavis yelled back, "No, I am!"
>

Tom: I suppose it's too much to hope for another plane
crash.
Crow: [Quinn] Boys, boys! You can *both* take me on a beach
picnic!

>"I'll kick you ass, Beavis!," butt-Head warned.
>
>"Go ahead and try, Butt-Head!," dared Beavis.
>

Tom: And so continues nature's fierce competition to "get some".
Crow: Eh. It's still more dignified than "Change of Heart".
Mike: Ah, the wit's fairly flowing now.
Crow: And they say literature's a dying art form.

>They began another fist fight. Quinn could hear it going on.
>Somehow, uncalled, a memory flitted up to the surface of her
>mind.

Mike: [weird voice] Hi! I'm Spunky, the Plot-Specific Flashback?
Hope I'm not late!

> It was a couple of years ago, when she and Daria were
>still living here.

Crow: Before they had that same old fight about Quinn wanting
children.

> They were going down the street when Beavis
>and Butt-Head approached. They began that sickening chant they
>made when they saw Daria:
>

All: o/~ OO-ga-cha-ka! OO-ga-cha-ka! OO-ga-OO-ga-OO-ga-cha-
ka! o/~

>"DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-
>CHA-CHA!"
>

Tom: Oh my god, they're singing the newest Ricky Martin song!
Mike: It's already at #3 on the charts.

>"Uh, Diarrhea, is your sister available?," Butt-Head asked.
>

Tom: Yep! And how!

>"No, she's not, you little perverts!," said Daria sternly.
>"Leave us alone!"
>

Mike: [narrator] Daria knew "The Ins and Outs of Sexual
Harassment Law"! After watching this film, you too will
know what Daria knows! How to spot, stop, and sue over
sexual harassment!

>"But we want to score with her!," Beavis said.
>

Mike: So, how old is Quinn in this flashback?
Crow: About twelve, I think.

>They then made a grab for her, grabbing her by the legs (she was
>back then wearing that stupid red miniskirt, the same one she
>tried to seduce Kevin with) and her breasts.

Crow: [official] Thank you, parenthetical aside, for distracting us
from that five hundredth reference to breasts!

> Daria then got real
>mad,

Tom: And gave them a stern lecture?

> and kicked the both of them in the crotch. They were sent
>howling.
>

Tom: [Yerko] SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BASTARDS!
Mike: Wrong howl.

>Quinn ran screaming to her sister, crying and saying things like
>"Thanks for saving me" and all that.
>

Tom: [Daria] Yeah, just don't get the impression I like you or
anything.
Mike: Generic platitudes were offered, resulting in nonspecific
family bonding.

>Somehow there were unconfirmed reports that later that day
>Beavis and Butt-Head were setting off firecrackers and had thrown
>an M-80 into a dirt pile.

Crow: [Beavis] Take that, mound!
Tom: Beavis and Butthead's hatred of the slalom reaches dangerous
new heights!

> It went off and apparently a kid in an
>orange hooded parka--who apparently was with his classmates from
>an elementary school in Colorado on a field trip--

Mike: So when did Highland become such a world famous city?

> was blown to
>pieces.

Mike: [annoyed] Will there be any author left on the planet who can't
go to court over this?
Tom: Mm... Roger Corman, maybe? I mean it's not like he ever had an
original idea to steal...

> Somewhere in the distance, the rumors went, a kid in a
>hunting hat was to have said: "Oh, my god! They killed Kenny!
>Those bastards! "
>

Crow: [sobbing] Please tell me this isn't happening!!!!
Mike: Buck up, private, it can't last much longer!
Tom: You hope.
Mike: Don't jinx it, Servo.

>Somehow, to Quinn, this wasn't interesting right now.

Crow: [sniffling] So at this point, Quinn's become an avatar
for the reading audience.

> She began
>to cry uncontrollably.

Tom: [Quinn, sobbing] Why can't I engage myself in this trite
little anecdote?! Sure I'm about to be raped, but...

> She was the most afraid in her entire
>life.
>

Crow: Except for that time when Dogstar and Kenny G. were
scheduled for a gig at her school.

>"If only Daria was here, she'd save me from this mess!," she
>sobbed.
>

Mike: Daria, or a locksmith! Either one!

>If she only knew then just how her wish would be granted. . .

Mike: I.e., not at all.
Crow: And the Great Gazoo makes a surprise guest appearance.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Back at the Kuriles,

Mike: In the somewhat less icky part of our story...

> the repairs to the Neo-Zero were now
>complete.

Crow: [mechanic] Here's your problem, Miss! Someone stuck a
lollipop in your gas tank.
Tom: [Yerko] A lollipop? Who- *HELFFEN*!

> A fresh batch of Neo-Sidewinders was loaded and ready
>to go.

Tom: They just had to load up on Neo-fuel, and the pilots had to
go to the Neo-john, then they'd be Neo-ready.

> Yoriko was ready to fly once again. But there was some
>unfinished business to attend to first with Dr. Vander Helffen.
>

Tom: Oh, right, her anal probe.

>"I'm warning you, Dr. Vander Helffen," Yoriko began, "if you
>don't make a fresh batch of 'Hi no Tori' pills for me soon, there
>will be Hell to pay!"
>

Crow: [Yoriko] And you better have the correct change!

>"I will make more, I promise!," he reassured her.
>
>Yoriko replied, "You'd better or else--"
>
>She made a cutting motion across her throat.
>

Mike: Right, 'cuz we all know corpses make the most efficient
pharmacists.

>With that, she climbed back into the cockpit and taxied down the
>runway. Son she was flying again.
>

Tom: [father] See her flying again son?
Crow: [son] Dad, Yerko's boring! You said you'd buy me a hot dog!

>Dr. Vander Helffen turned to two ninja spies and said, "Prepare
>the Iron Cross armor for me. I have a feeling that I will need
>it."

Mike: [Helffen] Oh! Also a double martini. I'll *definitely* be
needing that. Very soon.


>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Tokyo was in a state of siege.

Tom: They've been enslaved by the hip sound of Latin Pop Diva
Jennifer Lopez!

> The air raid sirens were going
>off again.
>

Crow: [Japanese] Curse you Jimmy Doolittle!

>At SDF Headquarters, the Sailor Senshi were preparing for the
>next round. Daria approached Brian Mackenzie.
>

Mike: [Daria] Sting like a butterfly, float like a bee!
Crow: She's going right for the ear!
Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of boxing.

>"You wouldn't have a cousin named Michael Jordan Mackenzie back
>at Lawndale, do you?," she asked him.
>

Tom: [Brian, sighing] Look, lady, none of us knew how deep he
was in with the Crips. And I'm not his father, so I ain't
liable!

>"As a matter of fact, I do," replied Brian.
>
>"I know him," said Daria; "we're classmates at the high school."
>

Crow: Wow, the future has just one high school? Merger mania's
gone too far this time.

>"How is Mike doing these days?," Brian asked.
>

Mike: Well, I'm still stuck on the Satellite and I got this
really nasty rash on my-
Crow: Stop!

>"OK, hopefully," was Daria's reply.
>

Mike: The doctor says skin grafts can handle most of the burns.

>But there was bad news about to be delivered from an NHK
>reporter:
>

Crow: [Anchor] Michael Mackenzie is dead. A nation mourns.

>"This is just in from our international desk.

Tom: [anchor] America is seeing double over Burger King's Double
Value Days! Two flame-broiled Whoppers for just $2!

> A double tragedy
>has struck the American community of Lawndale.

Tom: [reporter] Which no one's ever heard of, but it's a slow news
day, so what the heck... The Fashion Club hadn't sold a single
pastry during their bake sale and Lawndale lost the football
game! Oh and some people died.

> First, it seems
>that the hijacked JAL flight from Tokyo to Berlin has crashed in
>that town.

Mike: [reporter] Sadly neither Beavis nor Butt-Head was injured
in the crash.

> Further, it is now confirmed that a right wing
>militia group calling itself the Lawndale Militia had now taken
>over the town. We don't have any casualty reports for either
>disaster as of this time,

Mike: This is why MTV isn't known for it's informative news
broadcasts.
Tom: [Announcer] Now for some more Kid Rock!

> but NHK will keep on top of these
>rapidly unfolding events as they develop!"
>

Mike: [Announcer] We now return you to "Touched By a Ronin", already
in progress.
Crow: Meanwhile, overseas...
Tom: [American anchor] Militia takes over American city! We'll tell
you which one, at 10:00!

>All of the Sailor Senshi were in shock. Ami was on that flight,
>and she may be seriously injured, perhaps even dead.
>

Mike: Or annoyed that her ears are clogged up! There was no telling!

>Sailor Moon was the first to speak:
>

Tom: [Rei] Dibs on her stereo!
Crow: [Moon] So, who wants to go to the mall? The new 'N'Synch
CD is out...

>"I know that this is a blow right now, and Ami's whereabouts are
>unknown, but we must concentrate on the matters in hand here.

Mike: Shoes and boys!

> If
>Ami is indeed killed, then let this battle be dedicated to her
>memory.

Tom: We hereby dedicate this butt-whuppin' to Ami.

> We swear that we will avenge whatever has happened to
>her on our own lives.

Crow: [Senshi] Whoa! Hold the phone! Let's not go nuts, here!

> Now, let's prepare for the next attack."
>

Tom: [Usagi] I know where there's a really *really* deep shelter!

>Daria stood there in shock.

Tom: With all the shocking going around, this fanfic will never
get UL approval.

> For the first time in her life, she
>was genuinely worried for her family.

Mike: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
Tom: What if the militia takeover disrupts ABC's "TGIF" programming
schedule? How would they cope?

> Her mother may be
>domineering, her father a nebbish and her sister an airhead, but

Mike: ...at least they didn't reduce complex characters to
single-word stereotypes!

>deep down inside,

Mike: She loathed them all, as she does all people unlucky enough
not to be her.

> where most times she didn't want to admit it,

Crow: She really liked Crystal Pepsi.

>she really did care for them. Daria seemed to let a stray tear
>fall from her face. Sailor Neptune noticed it.
>

Crow: [Neptune] DAR-I-A'S A BA-BY! DAR-I-A'S A BA-BY!

>"Are you all right, Daria?," she asked her.
>

Mike: [Neptune] Do you want me to lick that tear off you?

>Daria replied, "I'm fine, really." But right now she was
>fighting an inner tempest of raging emotions

Crow: Emotions are like a tempest raging inside of you.

> like she had never
>faced before.

Tom: [Neptune] Look, Daria, I know it's tough, but it's not
like you have any family there, right? I mean, like
*anyone* would be *stupid* enough to live in *Lawndale*!
No way!

> And God only knew how all this would sort itself
>out in the end.

[Crow looks upward.]
Crow: Yo, Pete. You payin' attention?
Tom: Let's get outta here, guys.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------

From mblackwl@ix.netcom.com Sun May 21 21:17:07 2000


[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]

[The Bridge]

[The Bridge appears to be empty. After a few moments, Crow and
Mike cautiously poke their heads into view from the side of the
bridge, and look around.]

Crow: I think the coast is clear.
Mike: I think you're right.

[The pair steps fully into view.]

Crow: Whew. No terrorists, no killer bunnies, no death-planes or
Senshi chicks for once.
Mike: Yep. Everything seems nice and quiet for a change.

[Tom enters, wearing a camouflaged uniform and carrying a
rifle.]

Tom: Company! Double time! hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

[He stops and points his gun at Mike and Crow.]

Tom: HALT! You two are under arrest!

Mike: Well, that was nice while it lasted.
Crow: What's up, Tom?

Tom: I've decided that Corlew was absolutely correct
and so I formed my own militia and now we've taken
over this craft!

Mike: Wow. I don't think we've ever been hijacked twice
in one day before.
Crow: Hey Tom? can you save us some time and just walk
through the hologazebo door now?

[Cambot pans over to the open doors of the hologazebo.
Nothing can be heard beyond the doorway.]

Mike: Is the deathtrap broken?
[Crow walks over to the doors and peers through.
He then shudders and walks back over to Mike.]
Mike: What?
Crow: 600 Dennis Franzes. All naked.
[The trio all shudder.]

Tom: Let's forget about that. Please.
Mike & Crow: Agreed.
Mike: Since you've taken over the ship, I guess
we're due for a long-rambling political
speech from you, right?

Tom: Nope.
Mike: Really? That's really good of you, Tom.
Most terrorists would...
Tom: Speeches are so passe, Mike. So, I've started
my own webpage!
Mike: Never mind.
Tom: Yes, just head over to :
www.demartino_you_ignorant_slut.com and you
can read all about my philosophy. And I'll
use the power of the internet to rule the
world! BWHA-HA-HA!!!!
Mike: Tom? I'm sure that your little site is
really nice and all, but only a complete
wacko is going to follow you.

[Silence]
Crow: Mike? It's the net.
Mike: [pause] Good point.
[Cambot pans back a bit to reveal a computer sitting
on the console. Tom hovers over to it.]
Tom: And now I'll just log on and direct my minions
onto world conquest! I'll just check my e-mail
first... Huh. Someone wants to advertise on my
site. Well, even us world leaders need pocket
money...
[Cambot zooms in towards Mike and Crow.]
Mike: Great. Tom's gone nuts.
Crow: I blame the media.
[The lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester
begin to flash.]
Mike: Great. [Mike taps the light.] Let me guess
Pearl, you're going to steal Tom's idea
and take over the world, right?

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [snort] Right. Mike, we tried that years
ago. Who do you think came up with that
Zima website?

[Bridge]
Crow: That was *you*? I thought that webpage
looked familiar!
Mike: What do you want?
Tom: [O.S.] Why, sure! Hey, the more banners
the better!

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Well, since we're about halfway through
the story. [Pearl begins to snicker then
restrains herself and continues.] Sorry
about that. Anyway, Brain Guy would like
to run some tests on you to see how
you're holding up.
Observer: Hello, Michael.

[Bridge]
Mike: Hey Observer. Say, isn't this usually
something that Bobo would do?
Crow: He is a professor, after all.
Tom: [O.S.] Yes! Keep them clicks a coming
folks!

[Castle Forrester]
Observer: Well, yes. Normally, this would fall
under Bobo's responsibilities, alas, we
haven't quite been able to liberate him
from the phone.

[On cue, Bobo enters, chatting on the phone.]
Bobo: [on phone] Really? The Julius Schwartz
School of Kabuki? No, I didn't know that
a day without Kabuki is like a day
without Doris. That's really fascinating.
Look, I have a luncheon... Yeah. Uh-huh.
Right. That's great...

[Bobo exits, still talking.]

Observer: Shall we get started?

[Bridge]
Mike: Sure thing.

[Castle Forrester]
Observer: Have you experienced any of the
following symptoms? Dizziness? Nausea?
Loss of hair? Have any of your teeth
fallen out? And by any chance has your
head exploded?

[Bridge]
Mike: No. None of that, especially the last
one.
Crow: Mike, that performance of the National
Anthem was pretty nauseating...
Tom: [O.S.] Yes! Forty Million hits! I am the
king! BWAH-HA-HA!!!!!

[Castle Forrester]
Observer: I see. And your liver hasn't tried to
lead up into your throat in a desperate
attempt to kill you before you're exposed
to more of the story?

[Bridge]
Mike: Nope.

[Castle Forrester]
Observer: Very well then. If any of these symptoms
do occur, please give me a call.
Pearl: We won't do anything about it, but we'll
enjoy hearing you suffer. Now get back in
there, Nelson.

[Bridge]
Mike: Why do I have a feeling of impending doom?
Crow: When do you not have a feeling of impending
doom?
Mike: Point taken.
[Tom enters, sans fatigues.]
Mike: Hey Tom. How goes taking over the world?
Tom: Heh. That's a funny story. You see, my
website really took off and I made a heck
of a lot of money through my advertising.
Then the militia guys decided that I was
one of the oppressors and, well...
Mike: They seized control of the website?
Tom: Yeah. They've turned it into a "Analyze
This" fansite.
Crow: Really? I had no idea that the militia
members were Billy Crystal fans...
[The lights begin to flash.]
Mike: I've got even worse news! WE'VE GOT
MISERY SIGN!!!!
[Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.]

[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]

[Mike and the pair of robots enter and sit.]
Tom: Man, those terrorists just ruined my webpage.
Crow: Yeah, those 4000 dancing Billy Cyrstals are
Just a bit too much.

>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 9: The Neo-Zero Attacks!
>

All: *AGAIN!*

>The Neo-Zero was beginning its next round of attacks. First,
>Yoriko decided to destroy a couple of SDF/USAF bases in Chiba-
>ken.

Tom: Since they were easy kills and she needed the XPs for
the next level up.

> Yoriko approached the control tower and fired a Neo-
>Sidewinder at it, destroying it.

Crow: Killing the people inside, of course, but let's stay
focused on the tower!

> She then blew up some fuel
>tanks, causing a devastating inferno to engulf the entire base.

Mike: See, the flaw in begging an author to make something happen?
Is ya get this here.

>She did the same thing with several other bases along her way.

Mike: Hmmm, should we call ahead and warn them she's coming?
Naaah, let 'em be surprised!
Crow: Kinda makes you wonder why some bozo with a jet hasn't
taken over Japan already, huh?

>She then set a course for Tokyo.
>

Tom: o/~ Set a course for adventure, your eye on a new ro-mance! o/~!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Tokyo was now a maddening sea of panicked citizens.

Mike: Instead of its usual maddening sea of mellow citizens.
Tom: Life's just a pointless series of explosions and people
running around in a panic. That's what I'm learning
from this story.

> Everyone was
>running like the King of the Monsters himself, Gojira, was
>running amok in their community again.
>

Mike: But the community covenant specifically prohibits
Gojira!
Crow: Curse that paper tiger of a homeowner's association!

>The Mobile Unit of the National Police,

Crow: What, the rest of 'em are nailed to their chairs or
something?

> the famed riot control
>unit, was desperately trying to keep some sense of order, but to
>no avail.

Mike: They just couldn't accept the Titans losing the Superbowl.

> The body-length shields were beginning to buckle from
>the strain of all the humanity pressed against them.

Tom: They should've used the shields with the wings. They're
stronger and they absorb more blue liquid.

> Even the
>TMPD was having difficulties in keeping matters under control.

Crow: And if the Teenage Mutant Pokemon Dingoes can't help, no
one can!

>Everywhere, the screams of those who sensed that they were to be
>condemned were filling the air:
>
>"We're all going to die!"
>

Tom: Nearby, Ford Prefect resisted the urge to throttle someone
for saying *that* again.

>"It's Doomsday!"
>

Mike: Nope. He's still walking towards Metropolis saying "Thoom".

>"Merciful Buddha, spare us!"
>

Tom: I regret nothing!

>"No! I'm too young to die!"
>

Crow: I'm too old to die!
Mike: I'm too Wisconsin-y to die!
Tom: I'm too wonderful to die!

>"The end of the world is near!"
>

Mike: Buy bonds where you shop or bank!
Crow: Last chance oxygen for 23,000,000 Miles.
Tom: You know, I kinda wish Michael Stipe were in that crowd,
and that he didn't feel fine? It would serve him right!

>"Prepare to meet your doom!"
>

Crow: Kiss me, I'm Irish!

>"Is there no God to save us?"
>

Crow: Suddenly, the sounds of Queen fills the air.
Tom: o/~ Flash! Ah-ah! Doer of the impossible! o/~
Mike: We are saved! For the hero Flash Gordon will surely
save us from this dire threat that is threatening us direly!

>Suddenly, the Sailor Senshi appeared. Sailor Moon stood in front
>of the rest.
>
>"Citizens of Tokyo, I implore you to stay calm!," she shouted.

Crow: [Moon] There are plenty of tickets available for the
Cheap Trick concert! Please form two orderly lines, and
we'll open the ticket booths momentarily.

>"Giving in to panic will only mean that the enemy will win over
>you with their fear! Please, calm down!"
>

Tom: [man in crowd] Yes! We must do as the Power Puff Girls say!
Mike: [Usagi] Um... we're the Sailor Scouts, actually.
Tom: [man] The Sailor Scouts? AAAAAAUGH!
Crow: RUN AWAY!
Tom: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF! WOMEN AND CHILDREN ARE HUMAN SHIELDS!

>However, it was of no use. Soon the crow began to overwhelm the
>Sailor Senshi right where they stood.

Crow: Hey, I wasn't even there!
Mike: Uh-huh. Sure.
Crow: I swear!
Tom: C'mon, Crow, we've all seen your "I Overwhelmed the Sailor
Senshi and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" T-shirt!
Crow: A coincidence! Really!

> Daria was knocked over and
>would have been trampled

Tom: Which would have resulted a very special episode of "WKRP
in Yokohama"

> if it hadn't been for the quick thinking
>of Sailor Uranus, who pulled her out.
>

Crow: Oh, so she was pulled out of Ur-
Mike: Finish that line and you'll never see another Anna Kournikova
site as long as you live.

>"Are you all right?," Sailor Uranus asked.
>
>"More or less," Daria answered. "It's kind of like those mosh
>pits we have back home."
>

Crow: I miss mosh. The sight of young people beatin' the crap out
of each other and callin' it fun... made me proud to be old!

>In the melee, the Mobile Unit and the TMPD were themselves
>overwhelmed.

Tom: [police] Roses? You shouldn't have!

> Later on, it was reported that there were several
>officers on both forces who were crushed to death.

Tom: [KITH] I'm crushing your head!

> Chaos had
>clearly begun to assert itself on Tokyo.

Mike: Sanctions against Chaos proved ineffective, and NATO prepared
for another round of bombing.
Tom: So. I take it chaos is the theme Peter is developing
here. But perhaps we need another twenty "data" to
establish the fact!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------

Crow: [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, "Mosh Pit Big Country
Lollapalooza!"

>Shortly after the panic had begun, the Neo-Zero arrived.

All: YERKO!

> Yoriko
>started the terror right away by firing a Neo-Sidewinder

Tom: o/~ Every time I see you I want to do it, girl... o/~

> right at
>the famed Tokyo Tower,

Crow: Hey! The monster *has* reached the foot of Tokyo Tower!

> blowing it up to scrap metal. She then
>set her sights on the Diet Building.

Tom: Take that, Jenny Craig!

> She fired missiles at the
>chambers of both the House of Representatives and the House of
>Councillors,

Crow: Both of which, ironically, just voted to cut the defense budget.

> and a third at the middle of the building.

Mike: She fired at a mailbox, and The Sunglass Hut. She was
running out of rational targets.

>Horrendous damage was wreaked on the building.

Tom: That being what missiles do.

> For good measure,
>she fired two missiles at the Tokyo Dome, blowing up the roof and
>damaging a good portion of the stadium.

Mike: And Tom Selleck's plans to film "Mr. Baseball II" are
tragically derailed.
Tom: Good.

> Yoriko smiled to herself
>in a sinister way.
>

Tom: Not sold out anymore, are ya? BWAHAHAHA!

>"Soon, Tokyo will fall to the iron rule of the NIRAA!," she
>yelled.
>

Crow: I just can't take seriously a fascist organization bent on
world domination that can't be bothered to form a good acronym.

>Suddenly, she noticed something on her radar.

All: RADAR!!!!

> There were five
>blips on the screen;

Tom: She forgot to cover her face when she sneezed.

> the IFF device

Tom: She has an Amiga on her ship?

> indicated that they were five
>Grumman F-14A Tomcats; they had obviously been launched from a
>U.S. Navy aircraft carrier.

Mike: Finally, the fanfic allows somebody to retaliate!

> Yoriko flew in the direction of the
>squadron closing in on her. When she got to visual range, she
>could see from the tail markings that they were with the famed
>Fighting 143rd Squadron, alias the Pukin' Dogs.

Crow: I, for one, can sleep a whole lot easier knowing that if danger
rears its head, a bunch of guys that call themselves "The Puking

Dogs" are on the job.
Tom: Oh! And look! Behind them is the 39th, a.k.a. "Some Ginger
Ale With The Bubbles Stirred Out".

> She could hear
>the talk on the radio as the fighters approached:
>

Mike: She just couldn't turn off Rush Limbaugh.
Tom: Megadittos!
Mike: [Rush] Well, some kook's shooting up Tokyo as we speak, but
first, it's our Hilary update. Dudaluh-dudaluh-dudalu-dudaluh!

>"Tango to Victor!

Mike: Thar she blows! Wait. Sorry. Wrong script.

> We've got our bandit on visual now," said one
>of the pilots.
>

Crow: [Pilots] And Johnny and Hadji are right behind him!

>The squadron leader, Victor, responded with, "All units prepare
>to lock on target and fire on my mark!"
>

Crow: Well, wouldn't it be easier to go see a qualified dermatologist
instead, over?

>It looked like they were going to use the 20-mm Vulcan cannons on
>her since they were so close.

Mike: That would only be logical.
Tom: Infinite Diversity through Infinite Whoopass!

> Yoriko made a power dive as the
>bullets began to fire away.
>

Mike: Those bullets have lousy aim.
Tom: I went to the Danger Zone, and all I got was this lousy battle
sequence.

>"Dammit, she's too fast for us, Victor!," shouted another pilot.
>
>"Angel up to 15 and prepare to fire Sidewinders," said the
>squadron leader.
>

Mike: And the Snake Unemployment Rate skyrockets!
Tom: Since when did guardian angels become standard military
issue?
Crow: [sighing] You know, these guys better come through,
because the next squadron's the one led by Dick Dastardly
and Muttley.

>Yoriko saw them turn tail and prepare to fire their Sidewinder
>missiles at 15,000 feet. Yoriko used the HUD to target the five
>Tomcats, then programmed five Neo-Sidewinders at them.

Tom: Ah, Pete got bored. Mike: Yeah, the battle's over now. Pretty
much.

> She
>calmly pressed the fire button and saw each of the missiles take
>out their targets. They didn't know what hit them.
>

Crow: But they had a pretty good guess it was a missile.

>Yoriko sneered and flew back to the heart of the city.

Mike: Her lips are gonna freeze like that someday.
Tom: Like Elvis? Cool.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>It was only on the most important occasions that a governor of a
>prefecture like Tokyo-to ever got to go into the Imperial Palace.

Crow: And when he was, his "Electric Sparkle Tuxedo" assured no
repeat invitations.

>Generally, the palace was only open to the public on two days in
>the year: the Emperor's Birthday and New Year's Day.

Tom: And also for the "Buffy" season premiere.

> However,
>Gov. Nagai was not making a social call to Emperor Akihito. The
>very life of the nation was at stake.

All: Again?

> He was now in an
>underground bunker beneath the Imperial Palace, speaking to both
>the Emperor and Empress Michiko; for good measure, the Solar
>Warrior was there as well.

Crow: If there's no superhero present, then nothing important is
happening.

> Gov. Nagai began to speak:
>

Crow: [Nagai] I hereby call this meeting of the Rotary Club to order.

>"Your Imperial Majesties, Tokyo hasn't suffered as much damage
>like this since the end of the war. The terrorist who has this
>aircraft can virtually wipe out this entire city with full
>impunity!

Mike: If only we had some way to stop a plane!
Tom: Doesn't Japan have a military?
Crow: Judging from the earlier sequences, they'd just fly around
and watch the Death Plane blow up stuff.

> The citizens of our nation are now turning their eyes
>to you

Mike: Especially since Joltin' Joe has left and gone away.

> for guidance in this grave matter.

Crow: Is it best to surrender on our knees, or should we crawl on
our stomachs?

> We need some
>assurances that this evil will pass."
>

Mike: [Nagai] Because frankly, evil's running game is lousy!

>The Solar Warrior added: "Gov. Nagai is right.

All: Ravis!

> The people are
>looking to both Your Imperial Majesties in this terrible time.
>Speak to the people. Tell them what they need to hear."
>

Mike: That olestra is the work of the devil?

>The Emperor arose and began to speak:
>

Mike: [Emperor through megaphone] It's okay. Everything will be
fine. Remain where you are, and all will be well. [aside]
I think they're buying it! Crap, is this mike still on?

>"Somehow, I wish that I could have avoided having to face a
>crisis like this.

Tom: In fact, I think I will. I'm outta here!

> I have seen the reports myself and I have to
>confess that I fear for our nation. Do we want to return to the
>chaos that the regime that had once controlled this nation
>brought on all of us and the world?"
>

Mike: [emperor] Show of hands? One, two, three- OK, about half. Fine.

>"It was in this very room that the war council met presided over
>by my father, the Showa Emperor.

Tom: Showa Emperor: Ruler of Bath. [pause] With the shower...
and the bath... and the... forget it.

> The vote was tied on what
>course of action was to be taken. It was up to him.

Mike: So he chose the pepperoni and mushroom deep dish.

> He knew
>that we had foolishly let the militarists control every aspect of
>our society, that they led us to this calamity.

Tom: They had allowed the sake and rice paper market to tumble
precipitously.

> He had to do
>what was right.

Crow: He confessed to chopping down the cherry tree.

> He voted to end the war. He went on the radio
>and announced to this nation that we had to bear the unbearable.

Crow: Still, it's better than thinking the unthinkable.
Tom: Or speaking the unspeakable.
Mike: Or eating the inedible.

>If this group seizes our nation, and begins to carry out its
>agenda, how many more bombs will fall?

Tom: [emperor] Hello? I'm asking a question, dammit! Tell me!

> Must we suffer the
>nuclear terror of the Americans, the Russians, and the Chinese
>this time around?

Mike: Sure we could foreclose on their countries, but then we'd have
to pay their back taxes! And nobody wants that.

> We must not let those who led us to ruin
>destroy half a century of progress, of good relations with the
>world."
>

Tom: [emperor] Unless, you know, you guys were thinkin' different.
I don't know. Did that make sense? Any of it?
[Crow turns to Mike]
Crow: This is just one plane they're talking about, right?
Mike: [laughs] I'm pretty sure it's just the one.

>He motioned to a nearby servant, who bowed deeply.
>
>"Inform NHK that I will deliver an address shortly."
>

Mike: [Emperor] It's the location of the new Wendy's downtown.

>The servant bowed deeply again and left to make a phone call.
>

Crow: Like, I gotta tell Marci about this! She'll like totally freak!

>Gov. Nagai said, "You are doing the right thing, Your Majesty."

Crow: [emperor] Uh-huh. Is your nose cold, Nagai? You didn't have
to stick it that far up.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>About fifteen minutes later, this was heard on NHK:
>

Mike: [announcer] It's time to play the "Million-Dollar Birthday"
contest here on NHK - Star 103!

>"We interrupt our continuing coverage of the Neo-Zero crisis to
>bring you this message from the Emperor. Ladies and Gentlemen,
>presenting His Imperial Majesty, the Emperor."
>

Mike: "Having a great time. Wish you weren't Japan."

>There was a picture of the Emperor and the Empress in the bunker.

Crow: A picture? Hey, look, it's a postcard from the edge.
Tom: Wow! I didn't know Eva Braun was Chinese. Weird.

>The Emperor stood up and began to speak:
>

Crow: [Emperor] My fellow.....Japanese? Erm, wait, let me start
over.


>"Citizens of Japan: We are now facing the greatest crisis in
>over fifty years.

Mike: Wal-Mart wants to build a store around the whole damned country!

> There are those out there who wish to restore
>militaristic control and regimentation in our society. These
>extremists think that the old ways were the best ways.

Tom: [emperor] The old ways were good ways if you looked at them
sideways.
Crow: o/~ These Happy Ways are yours and mine! Happy Ways! o/~

> Those
>ways were not the best ways.

Tom: They were the, um, unbest ways.

> They brought immeasurable suffering
>and pain on countless millions in Asia and the world. The
>primary weapon of these extremists is fear and terror.

Crow: [Python] TWO! The two primary weapons are fear, terror and an
almost fanatical devotion to - THREE! The THREE primary weapons!

> However,
>they can be beat back if we do not submit to our worst fears. If
>we stay calm and not panic, we will have won half the battle.

Tom: [Emperor] Then me and the wife will just hole up here in
the bomb proof bunker until you guys win the other half.
Crow: Knowing, incidentally, is the other half.

>Therefore, I implore this nation to stay clam and to display in
>the face of the enemy the calmness and civility that have marked
>our nation and our way of life from time immemorial.

Tom: And in the immortal words of Roland Warner, No Panicking
Allowed.

> We must not
>let fear conquer us.

Crow: That's NIRRA's job.
Mike: NIRAA, Crow.
Tom: There's a difference?
Mike: I think NIRRA lobbies against restrictions on strip mining.

> We must not let the enemy defeat us.
>Together, as a united front, we will show these extremists that
>we will not submit to their reign of fear.

Tom: Meanwhile, back at home, the average Japanese viewer is
flipping around between channels, looking to see if
"X-Files" is on.

> Thank you for your
>attention."
>

Crow: [Falsetto] What was all that dear?
Mike: [Basso] Ah, who knows? I was asleep.

>The announcer then said: "Please stay tuned to NHK for more
>developments in this crisis."

Tom: [announcer] We know return to our afternoon movie, "Three Men
and a Little Samurai".
Mike: A town blows up! Is it yours? Find out, tonight! On NHK!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------

Tom: Once again, "Miss Chimney Paintball Biscuit and Doodle"!

>A good part of Tokyo was now in flames.

Crow: And that's just the good part.
Tom: Yeah, the bad part's been ground to dust, mixed into a paste
and used as a poultice for Mecha-Kong's hives.

> Fire, it seemed, was
>everywhere.

Mike: Was it in the water? Was it in the clouds? Was it in a
lover's first kiss or the gentle murmur of the rain?

> Sailor Moon had transformed into her Eternal Mode

Mike: Much like the story at this point.

>and was flying above to survey the damage.

Tom: [Usagi, coughing] Maybe I should avoid the smoke...
Still, I think the fire actually improved things
a little.

> Everywhere, it
>seemed, there was damage.

Crow: Repetition, it seemed, was everywhere.
Tom: Everywhere, it seemed, there was repetition.

> She was now over Azabu-ku, her own
>neighborhood, and set down where her house was. Thankfully, so
>far it was undamaged.

Crow: So I guess not everything was damaged.
Tom: Apparently.

> She ran in.
>
>"Mom! Dad! Shingo!," she shouted.
>

Tom: S-4, H-17, I-40, N-53, G-71, O-80! That's one good
Shingo! Anyone else?

>Soon she could hear footsteps from the basement. Soon, Kenji,
>Ikuko and Shingo emerged.
>

Mike: You know, if they see their shadows, we get six more weeks
of fanfic.
Crow: [upset] What?! No!
Mike: [chuckling] I'm kidding. It's a joke.
Crow: Oh. I knew that. [grumbling] Ya big dumb slab of salt pork...

>"Mom! Dad! Look! It's Eternal Sailor Moon!," Shingo said.
>

Tom: [Shingo] Betcha can't hit her with a rock!
Crow: [dad] Oh really?

>Right now, Sailor Moon was not going to be coy about her real
>identity; she was too concerned.
>

Crow: Well, why start worrying at *this* late date?!? She should
just make up a business card she can give people when she
wants to tell them her secret identity.
Tom: Maybe everyone in this story spent 15 XP to buy off
their secret identity Disadvantage.

>"Mom, Dad, Shingo, it's actually me, Usagi," she calmly
>announced.
>
>"No way! You can't be!," Kenji said in shock.
>

Tom: [Kenji] 'Cause Usagi's got blond hair and blue eyes and
wears skimpy dresses and you...*ohhhhh*...

>Sailor Moon waved a hand over her transforming brooch and
>reverted to her identity of Usagi.

Tom: I.e., she changed clothes.
Mike: Yeah, at least Clark Kent had reading glasses.

> Everyone was speechless for a
>couple of minutes.
>

Crow: [mom] So... you can save strangers from alien invasion, but
you can't stop eating your fingernails?
Tom: [Usagi] Mooooom!

>"Usagi, is that really you?," Ikuko started to say, stunned.
>

Crow: [Usagi] Nope. HAH! I really had you going for a sec, there!

>"Yes, it's me," she confirmed;

Mike: I've brought two forms of ID and my birth certificate.

> "I guess you should know the truth
>now. For the past six years, I have been fighting evil as Sailor
>Moon.

Mike: [Usagi] Well, I did take a couple of months off last year
to pose for cheesecake posters, but other than that...

> Luna told me that I was the reincarnation of a princess
>who lived on the Moon over one thousand years ago and that it
>was my destiny to lead humanity to an era of peace in the future.

Tom: [Ikuko] Yes, dear, the cat told you were a moon princess.
Just lie down for a second while I call the doctor.

>My friends work alongside me as the Sailor Senshi, and Mamoru is
>Tuxedo Mask; they also were from the Moon Kingdom, except Mamoru,

Crow: Who's from the Gambino family.

>who was known then as Endymion and was from Earth.. In the
>future, Chiba-Usa will be mine and Mamoru's daughter.

Tom: [Kenji] Mamoru got you *pregnant*?!
Mike: [Usagi] No daddy! He *will* get me pregnant. I mean - Daddy,
put the gun down!

> Right now
>I have to stop this madwoman from destroying Tokyo and forcing
>our government to give in to her terrorist organization.

Crow: [Ikuko] Not until you clean your room, young Sailor lady!
Tom: [Usagi] Moooom!

> Ami was
>one of us as well; she was Sailor Mercury. But when she left for
>Germany she transferred those powers to Daria.

Tom: Previously on The Major Shameless Neo-Geo Dribble Banana Donut.
Mike: Is it still exposition if it was part of the story already?

> Now I don't even
>know if Ami is still alive or not.

Crow: [Usagi] She's in a box, and some weird scientist guy is
standing by it babbling about uncertainty! He's creeping
us out!

> I'm fighting for all of our
>futures here.

Crow: [mom] No darling. You're *talking* about fighting for our
future. Meanwhile the plane just leveled Nagano.

> Please, if you love me, you'll leave here and get
>to a place of safety."
>

Tom: Get in your Suzuki Samurai and drive away as fast as
you can!

>Already the tears were beginning to run down her face; Usagi was
>genuinely worried for her family's safety.

Crow: Or she'd been cutting onions.
Mike: Oh, suck it up! It's just an apocalyptic death plane. It's
not like they're in downtown Miami or anything.

> She then heard
>footsteps behind her, and saw that the rest of the Sailor Senshi
>were right behind her.
>

Crow: Quickly hiding chains and tire irons behinds their backs.

>Tuxedo Mask was the first to speak:
>

Tom: [Mamoru] What, a dump!

>"Sailor Moon, is everyone here in the Tsukino household safe?"
>

Crow: [Mamoru] Because if they are, I can fix that.

>"Yes, they are, Mamo-chan," said Usagi.
>
>Everyone was in a state of shock.
>

Mike: [Senshi] You spoke a sentence that lasted less than five
minutes!

>"It's all right, we know everything now," Kenji said. "You know,
>I have to admit that I still had lingering doubts about you
>until now, Mamoru.

Tom: [Kenji] You read all those men's health magazines, and
you're always singing showtunes....

> I thought that you were too old for my
>daughter and was making her a juvenile delinquent.

Crow: Now it turns out you're also porkin' her.

> Now I know
>the gravity of the situation. How can you forgive this foolish
>man?"
>

Tom: [Mamoru] Give me your back copies of "Martha Stewart Living"
and tell me where Ikuko gets that fantastic high-gloss
lipstick!

>Mamoru extended a hand and said, "There is nothing to apologize
>for; you just didn't know. And I would be honored to call you as
>a friend."
>

Mike: [Mamoru] By the way, I don't know if I mentioned, but I'm
moving next week and I was wondering...

>With that they shook hands.
>

Tom: Should they have their fingers crossed when they do that?

>"Now that we like you and all that," Ikuko said, "how can you
>help us?"
>

Crow: No beatin' around the bush with Ikuko here.
Tom: [Ikuko] So you love my daughter! Big deal! Love doesn't
ground the death plane, buster!

>Mamoru replied, "You know that resort you went to six years ago,
>the one that had the water spirit that I had summoned when I was
>brainwashed to do Queen Beryl's bidding?"
>

Mike: [Shinjo] Hm... nope. Seems I'd remember something like that.
Crow: [Mamoru] Big climactic showdown between good and evil?
Mike: [shakes head] Not ringin' any bells.
Crow: It had that ice cream parlor?
Mike: Oh right! They had waffle cone sundaes with the homemade fudge
sauce and crushed Butterfinger pieces! That was awesome!

>"I don't know anything about you summoning spirits, but I do know
>that some strange happenings were going on there," was Kenji's
>reply.
>

Crow: So let's all pile into the Mystery Machine and go investigate!

>"Go there," Mamoru said. "You will be safe."
>

Crow: Relatively speaking.

>"We will take your advice," Kenji said. Shortly, the Tsukinos
>had packed the bare necessities and took off in their car.
>

Tom: Blessed as they were by Mamoru's friendship, the Tsukinos
were untroubled by the massive traffic jams as millions of
others tried to flee the city.

>"It is better for them until things are resolved," Usagi said.
>

Tom: [Japanese] Yes! Leaving a burning city of rubble is hard, but
sometimes necessary for survival!

>"Now, we've got unfinished business to deal with," Mamoru said.
>

Crow: [Mamoru] I see on the agenda, Sailor Mars has a presentation
on how Just-In-Time storeroom procedures can reduce our overhead
50%. Then we'll get an update on how the Stop-the-Death-Plane
subcommittee's doing!

>Suddenly, someone somewhat familiar appeared.

Crow: Wow, Donald Pleasance!

> Usagi swore she
>was seeing double.

Mike: No! Not the Olsen twins!
Tom: [whimpering] I can't take another crossover.

> But there he was all the same: a man dressed
>like an Arab, with a scimitar at his side.

Crow: It's the Arabian Knight!
Tom: Look! There's Red Wolf! And the Texas Twister!
Mike: And Team USA! And Razorback!
Crow: Wow! All of Marvel's worst characters on parade!

> Undoubtedly it was
>the Moonlight Knight.
>

Crow: Batman's cousin from San Francisco, right?
Mike: No, the moon *lit* knight. Remember to conjugate.

>"Mamoru, you can't be at two places at once," Usagi said.
>

Tom: [Usagi] Especially when you're not anywhere at all.

>"Sailor Moon, surely you know me, the Moonlight Knight?," he
>began to speak.
>

Crow: Bruce Willis in a very special role, ladies and gentlemen.

>Daria turned to Meiou and asked, "What's this all about? You
>mean that Mamoru has two secret identities?"
>

Crow: So that's two compared to however many Sailor Moon has.
Mike: Plus, he's also Green Lantern, Captain America, the Fly,
Racer X, the Pumaman and, surprisingly, She-Hulk.

>Meiou said, "It's kind of a complicated story."
>

Tom: Yet another succinct summation of this fanfic.
Crow: Well, throw it on the pile, then - this is the spot for them.

>The Moonlight Knight then stopped and removed the veil from his
>face.

Crow: [shocked] Merv Griffin?! But why?

> Usagi stood there in shock.. It was none other than
>Furuhata Motoki, the owner of the Crown Game Center that Usagi
>still hung out at after school.
>

Mike: Wow! So he's the one who's been haunting the old amusement
park!
Crow: Of course! That explains everything. [to Mike] Kill me now.

>"Mamoru, can you explain what's going on here?," Usagi demanded.
>
>"I will," Motoki started.

[All groan]
Mike: Why not? We haven't any exposition for at least a
paragraph!
Tom: Great! Just what we needed - more flippin' backstory!
Crow: Pearl should've just sent War and Peace - we'd have been
done a heckuva lot sooner!

> "It was shortly after the Sailor
>Galaxia incident.

Tom: Oh yeah, Galaxia. I-

> Mamoru had that close call with that
>disappearance while he was flying to America.

Tom: America? But-
Mike: This would be the "bubble wrap" portion of our story.
Crow: It contains no actual content, but absorbs our abuse, so we
have no energy left to hurt the plot.

> After the incident
>was resolved, he approached me and told me all about you and the
>others, Usagi.

Tom: Right. But what about-

> He then gave me the costume of the Moonlight
>Knight and trained me in some basic fighting skills.

Crow: Mainly scampering away and whimpering like a baby.

> If Mamoru
>was to disappear again or if the Sailor Senshi needed some more
>muscle, I was going to be the ace in the hole.

Tom: Sure, but-
Crow: Oh, so he's their spare cannon fodder?

> And I guess that
>right now you're going to need all the help you can get."
>

Mike: We've been saying that since page one...

>As to confirm that remark, the Neo-Zero streaked out of the sky
>again, and straight for the Sailor Senshi!

Mike: The "Dramatic entrance" device on the Neo-Zero seems
to be working quite well.

> The Deathgrip cannon
>was roaring at full blast. Everyone scattered.
>

All: RUNAWAY!

>"OK, sister, you asked for it!," Usagi said. "ETERNAL MOON STAR
>POWER, MAKE-UP!"
>

[A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face]
Mike: *coughcough* GUYS!!!!
Crow: [giggling] When you least expect it, Mikey.

>She transformed to Eternal Sailor Moon and began to fly right
>toward the Neo-Zero.
>

Mike: Here we have a case of the irresistible force and the
highly movable object.

>Yoriko just sneered and started to play another CD in her player.

Crow: And here we see how a skillful author replaces the audience's
imagination with a reference to a song no one's heard of.

>This time it was "Black Monk Time" from The Monks.

Mike: o/~ Dies irae dies illa; solvae saeclum in favilla... o/~

> She was
>listening to the opening track "Monk Time" and was hearing Gary
>Burger's frantic voice:
>

Mike: [Gary] I just want to apologize to Mike's mom and Josh's mom
and my mom and I'm sorry to everyone. I was very naive and
very stupid and I shouldn't have put other people in danger
for something that was all about me and my selfish motives.

>"Alright, my name is Gary.

All: Hi, Gary!

> Let's go.

[Crow stands and begins to exit.]
Mike: Crow, sit down.
Crow: What? Gary says I can go.
Mike: He's talking to somebody else trapped in a theater.

> It's Beat time, it's Hop
>time, it's Monk time.

Mike: It's Hammer time!
Crow: It's time for Timer!
Tom: It's 3:00 AM Eternal!

> You know, we don't like the army!

Crow: You don't say!
Mike: But we're just crazy about...the Navy!
Bots: o/~ In the Navy! o/~

> What
>army? Who cares what army!

Mike: Well then why'd you ask?

> Why do you kill all those kids over
>there in Vietnam?

Mike: Because if left unchecked, their population would explode.
It's all part of nature's wondrous plan!

> Mad Viet Cong! My brother died in Vietnam.

Crow: Well, okay. He had a heart attack while watching "Casualties
of War" but it still counts!!

>James Bond, who is he?

Tom: Woody Allen, in one film.

> (frantic electric banjo riff from Dave
>Day)

Crow: Mike? Were electric banjos in wide use back on earth?
Mike: Only for a short time, between the atomic accordion
and the coal-powered kazoo era.

> Stop it, stop it, I don't like it!

Tom: Yes, at this point, even the soundtrack is demanding an end to
all this!

> It's too loud for my
>ears. Pussy Galore is coming down and we like it.

Crow: Not going to say a thing. Nope.

> We don't like
>the atomic bomb. . .

Mike: We used to! But then it got drunk at my wedding and said the
most despicable things about Gary!

> (shrieking organ riff from Larry Clark)

Mike: Hey buddy, we're the only ones shriekin' and riffin' 'round
here.

> Stop
>it, stop it! I don't like it! Stop it!

Crow: Well! Someone's certainly being a little grouch-a-saurus today!

> What's your meaning,
>Larry?

Tom: And what's the frequency, Kenneth?

> (another organ interlude from Larry)

Crow: [Larry] I wish my brother George was here...

> Ah, you think like I
>think.

Mike: But do you feel like I feel?
Crow: Can you hear what I hear?

> You're a Monk, I'm a Monk,

Crow: Wouldn't you like to be a Monk too?

> we're all Monks. . .

Mike: We're all monks now, in the dope show!

> Dave,
>Larry, Eddie, Roger, everybody, let's go. . .

[Crow rises and heads for the exit.]
Crow: Ah! "Let's go." Couldn't've put it better myself.
Mike: Sit down! Geez. Do you have a date or something?

> it's Beat time, it's
>Hop time--IT'S MONK TIME NOW! YEAH! ALRIGHT!"
>

Tom: This pointless interlude brought to you by the Monk Council.

>Sailor Moon was flying as fast as she could.

Tom: She was trying to break the elusive "musical interlude"
barrier.

> She grabbed her old
>Moon Scepter and pointed it at the cockpit.
>
>"You will not destroy our future, you spawn of Hell!,"

Crow: [Yerko] But Chris Carter told me to *fight* the future!
Now I'm confused.

> Sailor
>Moon shrieked as she prepared to fire off her Moon Princess
>Halation beam.
>

Mike: And a quick memo about punishing hellspawn delinquents!

>Yoriko was hearing Larry Clark's frantic organ playing, then the
>chorus of "It's Hop Time! It's Monk Time!"
>

Crow: But is there time enough for love?

>"Blow it out your ass!," was all she said as she squeezed the
>trigger of the Deathgrip cannon.
>

Tom: So apparently the answer, my friend, *is* blow it out
your ass!
Mike: Apparently, it was hammer time.

>Sailor Moon began to say "MOON PRINCESS HALATION!" when suddenly
>hot lead tore through her like jagged needles.

Tom: Through butter.
Mike: See, *this* is why it's important to get a lot of fiber!
Crow: [Usagi] Ugh! Gosh, usually our attack plan of standing out
in the open and taunting the villain works a lot better
than that!

> Sailor Moon fell
>helplessly from the sky and landed on the ground with a
>terrifying "THUD!"

Tom: Oh dear. Dave Winfield hit her with a baseball.
Mike: Such a shame.

> The rest of the Sailor Senshi ran to her,
>Daria being the first to get to her.
>

Mike: [Daria] Dibs on the tiara!

>"Usagi! Speak to me!," Daria yelled at her, shaking her;

Tom: Hey, Mike, you know what the best part about being an
anime character is?
Mike: No, Tom, what?
Tom: They're spineless! Hee-hee! [pauses] Because she didn't
break any bones, see...
Mike: I get it, Tom.

> "Are
>you all right?"
>

Crow: Iyai wiyill beeyee oyunce yououou stoyahp shayayayking
meyeyeye!

>Sailor Jupiter kneeled down besides her. She gave a quick check
>of her vital signs.
>

Crow: [Jupiter] Well, her makeup's okay. Brain activity is nil.
Nothing unusual there...

>"She'd bleeding badly," she said. "I don't think there's even a
>pulse.

Mike: [Jupiter] Forget it, she's as dead as Shelley Long's career.
Tom: Bury her next to Rei's grampa.

> We have to get the Sailor Star Lights.

Crow: [weakly chuckling] We can take the Star Lights Express! Heh.
Tom: Only half the fat and a quarter of the taste!

> Only Sailor Star
>Healer can save her now."
>
>Daria became very mad.

Crow: She, too, missed "Sifl and Olly".
All: ROCK!

> She raised her head to the sky and
>screamed, "NOW YOU'VE MADE IT PERSONAL, YOU BITCH!"

Crow: Well, come on. She's just doin' her job.
Tom: And it's not like Moongirl made a huge effort to duck.

> She ran off
>in the direction of the Neo-Zero.
>

Mike: Actually, flying off would have made more sense, since she's
chasing a plane.

>"Daria! Come back here!," Luna ordered sharply. "Sailor Senshi
>don't drop everything to carry out personal vendettas!"
>

Tom: [Luna] We wait and conduct them as a group!

>"Let her go, Luna!," Rei said. "Since Ami's not here, I'm now in
>charge.

Crow: The Al Haig of the Orient springs into action!

> Let Daria blow some steam.

Mike: [Rei] And if she gets killed, it's no big loss. MTV can use
that time slot for more TRL.

> She'll be back."
>
>Mamoru, in the meantime, reached for his cellular phone and
>called the Sailor Star Lights.

Crow: Leave it to Japan to take all the homespun charm out of
witch doctoring!

> This was the only chance Usagi
>had now to survive.
>

Mike: He may as well schedule the removal of his brain polyps
while he's at it, what with the cell phone and all.

>Daria, meanwhile was still running when suddenly, something
>smacked up against her head with a loud "CRACK!" She fell down,
>helpless.
>

Crow: This kinda makes the whole idea of her taking on a jet
rather silly, doesn't it?
Tom: You know, it's possible the Senshi should pay more attention
to the "Get The Hell Out Of The Way" portion of their
training.

>"Stay right where you are!," said an iron voice behind her.

Tom: Tommy Lee Jones!?

>"Don't make another move!"
>
>Daria suddenly found herself surrounded by NIRAA ninja soldiers.

All: Surprise! o/~ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to
you.... o/~

>She held her hands up in surrender.

Mike: Yeah. She'll do *just great* as a super-hero!
Crow: She never even got say "UP YOURS!" to them!
Tom: I feel cheated.

> They took her away to a
>secret location near the Sumito Heavy Industries headquarters.
>Dr. Vander Helffen would be awaiting for them there.
>

Tom: And that's where he'll turn her into a woodchuck.

>"Great! Now I've been captured," she thought to herself; "Wait
>until I send my next postcard. It'll say: 'Dear Mom, Dad, and
>Quinn:

All: *HEEEEEEELP!*

> I'm now a POW being held by an extremist group.

Tom: The ACLU's taken hostages?

> Please
>make sure to inform the Red Cross so they can send those POW
>packages. Love, Daria.'

Crow: PS: Don't tell Colonel Klink about the tunnels.

> What a trip this had been!"

Crow: She meekly surrenders to the bad guys! o/~ La-la-LA-lala! o/~
Mike: What a long, strange trip it's been.
Tom: What a long, strange, confusing, nausea-inducing, wretched
trip it's been!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>

Tom: New! From the makers of "Misguided Busybody Near-miss
Kabuki"!

>Back at Lawndale, The Free Lawndalers had made it as far as the
>local YMCA and decided to stay there for the night. Mr.
>DeMartino was checking his AK-47 when Helen Morgendorffer ran
>screaming to him:
>
>"I CAN'T FIND HER! I CAN'T FIND HER!"
>

Tom: I bet she'll be in the last place she looks.
Mike: [Helen] Nicole Kidman isn't *anywhere* in this week's
"People"!

>"Don't interrupt me while I'm cleaning my AK-47!,"

Crow: [mumbling] Scenes from American Pie 2, ladies and gentlemen.
Tom: Say? Why is patriotic Mr. DeMartino using a Russki
gun?
Mike: They're just reusing the props from "Red Dawn", Tom.

> Mr. DeMartino
>yelled at her, his right eye bulging out again. "Do you want me
>to shoot my eye out!

Crow: Let's hear what our viewers at home think. Agnes, from
Providence, Rhode Island! You're on the air!

> Now, who can't you find?"
>

Crow: [Helen] Waldo! I've looked all over this stinkin' book!

>"My younger daughter, Quinn!," Helen continued.

Tom: [Helen] If it helps, she looks a lot like that Gabrielle
chick on 'Xena'. You know, bare midriff? Same color hair?

> "I haven't been
>able to find her since the plane crash!"
>
>Mr. DeMartino motioned to Ms. Barch and Ami.
>

Mike: [DeMartino] Just hack the parts you like off them and
build yourself a new daughter.

>"You two, find out what happened to Quinn Morgendorffer!," he
>snapped at them.
>
>"I don't like taking orders from male scum like you,
>DeMartino!,:" Ms. Barch said.
>

Tom: But he wasn't offended because she added a duck smiley
emoticon.

>Mr. DeMartino pointed his gun and said "Well, my gun and I have a
>different opinion!"
>

Crow: The Ted Nugent Debating Society at work.

>Ms. Barch took the hint, and left with Ami.
>

Mike: Man, I am so glad patriots like this are standing up to
military dictatorship!
Tom: Yeah, the last thing we need is some uniformed goon with a
gun mandating our actions.

>"Male scumbag!," she muttered to herself.

Tom: [Ms Barch] *That's* what I need! A male scumbag to boss around!

> They left the YMCA and
>went down the street.
>
>Soon they saw someone.
>

Mike: Where? Over there! By the thing!

>"Excuse me," Ami asked, "Have you seen Quinn Morgendorffer?"
>
>"You bet I did," the person began to say.

Tom: [person] On TV! She was with Xena The Warrior Prin- Oh!
Oh wait! That may have been someone else.

> "Beavis and Butt-Head
>dragged her to the bus stop, kicked the driver out and drove the
>bus all the way back to Highland, I figure."
>

Mike: Lawndale residents just don't give a damn, do they.
Crow: Boy, we're running into a lot of Genovese's neighbors in
this story.

>"Might as well get my car and go over there," Ms. Barch said.

Tom: [Barch, sighing] May as well. I s'pose. Could swing by
the 24 Store, grab a six-pack of Tezquiza on the way or
somethin'.

> "I
>always hated those two creeps! They always make mischief when
>they come here to see Highland take on Lawndale.

Mike: Kidnapping, attempted rape, arson... you know, mischief.

> All men are
>scum, Ami, and don't you forget it!"
>

Tom: [Ami] Let me write this down: "All - men - are - scum".

>Ami was beginning to see that not all guys were like Mamoru or
>even like Urawa Ryo,

Crow: Or Kevin Brannagh or Brian Boitano or that nice Richard
Gere!

> the smart but kind boy she met back in the
>Sailor Senshi's early days when they were searching for the seven
>Rainbow Crystals that formed the Silver Imperium Crystal.

Tom: [deeply] Guarded by the Balrog, deep within the Caves of
Ancient Mordor!

> But at
>least she didn't think that all men were scum, at least not just
>yet.

Crow: Hear that, Mike? You've still got a chance!
Mike: Thanks, Crow, it's good -- hey!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>It was about 10:30 PM. Beavis and Butt-Head were watching TV.

Tom: [Butthead] Wow. That Charlie Rose sure gives one hell of an
interview!

>They were watching the reports of the JAL crash and the Lawndale
>Militia coup.
>

Crow: Beavis and Butt-Head watching the news. My suspension of
disbelief has just snapped.

>"Cool! We're on TV, Beavis!," Butt-Head said.
>
>"Where! Where!," Beavis said, excited.
>

Crow: Jeez, ya'd think they'd know where their TV is.

>"I think we're over there!," replied Butt-Head, pointing to the
>TV.
>

Crow: We're watching them watch TV.
Tom: At least they're not talking over the videos. I hate that.

>"This is cool!," Beavis said, then began doing his "HEH-HEH-HEH-
>HEH-HEH!"
>
>Butt-Head added his "UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!"
>

Crow: Man, I could listen to them laugh *all day*! And I
have a feeling I'm going to be from now on!
Tom: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you're
watching these two laugh.

>Then they changed the channel and tuned into a channel which was
>showing the newsreel footage of the "Hindenburg" disaster.

Mike: The stock footage channel! Ask *your* cable provider to
carry it ASAP.

> They
>began their hideous laughter again.
>
>"Hey, Butt-Head," asked Beavis.
>
>Butt-Head replied, "Uh, what, Beavis?"
>

Tom: [Beavis] Would you mind if I recited some poetry I just
composed?

>Beavis then said, "Is this the Super Bowl?"
>

Mike: Well, there's a monkey singing "La Cucaharcha", so it
must be.

>"Uh, I think so, Beavis," was Butt-Head's answer; "It looks like
>the Goodyear Blimp!"
>

Crow: Well, it could be Roseanne singing the anthem.

>Then they saw the airship explode and Herb Morrison say "It's
>burst into flames!"
>
>"FIRE!

Tom: At will!

> FIRE!

Mike: When you are ready, Gridley.

> FIRE!

Crow: In a crowded theater!

> FIRE!

Tom: Down Below!

> FIRE!," Beavis said.
>

Crow: Sorta makes ya wish they were in front of five firing
squads!
Mike: Mm. Sorta.

>"Cool! It's crashing right onto the playing field!," Butt-Head
>said. They began their hideous laughter again.
>

Mike: People are dying, it's fun!

>Meanwhile, in the closet, Quinn had found a pin on the floor and
>managed to unlock the door.

Tom: I don't know why you humans bother with keys. Every
flippin' one of you seems to know how to pick locks
with a hairpin.
Mike: Well... not really.

> She slipped out--making sure that
>she had her bra back on--and slipped out of the house.
>

Tom: The way this has been going, you'd think that was the one
piece of clothing girls ever wear.

>"Uh, Beavis, did you just hear the door open?," asked Butt-Head.
>
>Beavis replied, "I think so, Butt-Head."
>
>"Uh, better check on Quinn," asked Butt-Head.
>

Crow: [picking up phone] Hello? Martha Quinn? You still a
washed-up MTV has-been? Cool. HEH-HEH-HEH!

>Beavis got up and checked. When he saw no one there, he went
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! QUINN'S GONE! QUINN'S GONE!"
>

Crow: [Butt-head] Did you check the closet?
Tom: [Beavis] Oh yeah! I'll be right back.

>Butt-Head went over and said, "Dammit, Beavis, now how are we
>going to score?"
>

Tom: Have you considered the quarterback sneak or the long bomb?

>"I bet I know where she went, though," Beavis replied.
>
>With that they left to find Quinn.

Crow: Check over in Eskimo Town.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Quinn was out of breath when she reached the home of Tom
>Anderson.

Mike: [Quinn] Pfew! Maybe I shoulda just run next door for help.
Or that Police Station at the end of the street. Nah!

> She rang the doorbell and soon it was opened by Mr.
>Anderson.
>
>"Hello, young lady," he said;

Tom: [Anderson] I'm not Hank Hill, I just sound like him.

> "What can I do for you?"
>

Mike: And of course, if this were the real Mr. Anderson he would
say...
Crow: [Anderson] What the hell?! Where are your clothes little
lady? Good lord!
Mike: Thank you.

>"My name's Quinn Morgendorffer," she began; "I'm from Lawndale.

Crow: [Quinn] I'm a political science major at Radcliffe, and
if *I'm* elected Miss America my platform will be to end
hunger in America!

>Beavis and Butt-Head kidnapped me and took me to their place.
>But I managed to escape. I need help"
>

Tom: [Anderson] Kinda composed for a rape victim, ain'tcha?

>"You're Daria Morgendorffer's sister, aren't you?," Mr. Anderson
>asked.
>

Crow: [Quinn] No, that's some *other* family named Morgendorffer.

>Quinn replied, "Yes, I am."
>
>"Well, I remember her," Mr. Anderson replied. "Smart little
>girl, she is.

Tom: [Anderson] She appreciated the advantages a good propane
heating system has to offer!

> Do you want to call your parents?"
>
>"Yes, please," begged Quinn.
>

Mike: [Anderson] Well, come inside the bra. *House*!

>They entered the house. But then, Beavis and Butt-Head saw them
>enter and raced for the door, kicking it down.
>

Crow: Wow! It's SuperBeavis and UltraButthead.
Mike: They have the strength of ten losers!
Tom: Ten _big_ losers.

>"Quinn, we don't like girls like you running away from us," Butt-
>Head said.
>

Tom: No matter how frequent the occurrence!
Crow: You never really get used to rejection like that. Right,
Mike?
Mike: Nope. You sure don't.

>"Yeah! That's not cool!," Beavis added.
>
>"You boys have done the most heinous thing I've ever heard about.

Mike: Except for the guys who wrote "The Secret Diary of Desmond
Pfeiffer" of course.

>I'm going to call the police right now," Mr. Anderson said.
>

Tom: When did Quinn get a chance to tell him?

>"No way!," Beavis screamed. With that he found a golf club that
>was lying nearby and began to bludgeon Mr. Anderson with it.

All: ACK!
Tom: Beavis, when people ask you to do Jack Nicholson, they just
mean the voice, kid! Lighten up!
Mike: The Davis Cup competition the public never sees!

>Soon, he laid there, dead in a pool of blood.
>

[Appalled silence]
Tom: Well. Just when you think it can't get any worse, it gets
worse.

>"Cool! He's dead!," Beavis said. "Now we can do what we want
>with Quinn!"
>

Mike: [Beavis] We can dress her in that stunning Versace print
you picked up at Cannes!

>"You murderers! Don't you know right from wrong?," Quinn sobbed.
>

Crow: I doubt they even know right from left.

>"Do a striptease for us, bitch!," Butt-Head ordered.
>

Mike: [Beavis] If you really want me to, Butt-Head.

>"Then, like, let's have her wear that outfit we made that looks
>like that Gabrielle chick's outfit from that Xena chick's show!,"
>Beavis said.
>

Tom: Did we really need to learn about that particular fetish
of Beavis and Butthead?
Mike: So in between the rapings and cruelty to animals, Beavis
and Butt-head are part-time seamstresses?

>"NO!," Quinn shrieked.
>

Mike: See? Quinn agrees with us.

>"You won't deny us again!," Beavis said,

Crow: Well, maybe twice more before the cock crows, but that's
it!

> then clenched his fists
>and began to shake up and down while going
>"BOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOING!"

Tom: Sound effects provided by Kiki the Ferret.

> They moved in closer on Quinn.
>Quinn was screaming, "SOMEONE HELP ME!"
>

Mike: Sorry, Quinny, "Someone" already had his chance.

>Suddenly, there was a cold blast of air that hit the room.
>

Tom: Looks like she gave them the "cold shoulder," eh? Eh?

>"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," shouted a voice from the front door.
>
>Beavis and Butt-Head were frozen solid.
>

Crow: Hey! Sleeze-cicles!
Mike: D'oh! That's no good! Future generations are gonna
thaw'em out!

>Quinn turned around to see Ami and Ms. Barch in the front door.
>She ran to Ami and collapsed into her arms, crying.
>

Tom: [Quinn] I'm so glad to see you, girl I've never seen before!

>"I'm just glad you came!," Quinn sobbed.
>

Crow: [Quinn] Whoever you are! Group hug!
Tom: [Quinn] Wow, the dress code for the Japanese navy *rules*!

>"It's all right. It's all over now," Ami said.
>

Tom: Oh, if only that were true.

>Ms. Barch went to the now frozen Beavis and Butt-Head and
>sneered, "You men are all scum!"

Mike: Ha! Catch phrases! So much better than actual character
development! For fun!

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------

Crow: Doctors recommend "Missile-based Bus Fare Nihilism
Persnickety" for temporary relief of prolonged attention
spans.

>Daria was in some dark room with a strong light on her face. She
>was tied to a chair.

Tom: She had no thoughts or emotions. She just was.
> Suddenly, a door opened, and Dr. Vander
>Helffen entered.
>

Crow: Is it safe?

>"So, you're the new Sailor Mercury now, aren't you?," he said.
>

Tom: [friendly doctor] My, you're a big girl! Your mommy must be
feeding you very well!

>Daria gave a rather stock answer:
>

Crow: To generate a P/E ratio, you divide the stock's price...

>"My name is Daria Morgendorffer.

Mike: Is it really that hard of a concept to grasp? Repeat it
with me: Secret Identity.

> I am a member of the Sailor
>Senshi.

Crow: [Daria] I am a millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht.
Tom: [doctor] Again!

> I am a citizen of the United States and demand to be
>treated as a prisoner of war in accordance with the Geneva
>Convention."
>

Crow: You guys ever been to the Geneva Convention?
Tom: I have! They wear those funny little hats and drink Swiss
chocolate beer and moon the Matterhorn in three languages!

>"That will do you no good," Dr. Vander Helffen replied. "The New
>Imperial Rule Assistance Association does not recognize the
>Geneva Convention.

Tom: That's because it's wearing its hair different these days.

> In fact, when we're done, we will rule the
>world and abolish the Geneva Convention,

Tom: But where will all the RPG geeks go?
Mike: Ah, they'll just move it to Indianapolis.

> the United Nations and
>all other weak-kneed organizations and treaties.

Crow: [Daria] Will you stand up to the World Trade Organization?
Mike: [doc] Hey, do I *look* like I got that kind of clout?

> Japan will be
>the undisputed master of the world.

Mike: [Helffen] And that means you too, Lichtenstein!
Crow: [Helffen] Until such time as folks stop trading with us,
since we have no natural resources. But for now, it
kicks ass!
Tom: All accomplished with their single plane.

> And now you will hear of
>those plans before we execute you!"
>

Crow: Plotting to rule the world: check. Ruling with an iron
fist: check. Explaining plans to soon-to-be-executed
heroine: check.
Tom: Time for a break? Check.
[The trio stands and leaves the theater.]

>-----------------------------------------------------------------
Take me to Part 3