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I love elephants, notice anything different about this one?
Tickle This Elmo
A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The Personnel
Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she
really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill
job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her
duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about
how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem. Together they head down
to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just
hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she
cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager starts
to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new
employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
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There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first
time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He
is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to
feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs;
you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try
to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the
family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about
it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let
him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
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ADULT!
Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
What do Kodak films have in common
with condoms?
Both capture the moment!
Define Transvestite?
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
What
do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What do dildo's and soy beans have
in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.
What do you call kids born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts!
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?
What do you call a ninety year old man who can
still masturbate?
Miracle Whip!
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine!
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Glad-he-ate-er!
Why do you get paid more at
the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade!
How do you make 5 kg's of fat look good?
Put a nipple
on it.
What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant!
What's the difference
between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
How do you find a blind man
in a nudist colony?
It's not hard!
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to
stick it out for one more year!
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
How many men
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...men will screw anything.
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***
The difference between men and women in one paragraph:
A man is driving
up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window
and yells: "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the
man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
***
Hope you have lots of time on your hands
It's a bird. No, it's a plane. No, it's a flying tampon with whiskers. What in God's name is that thing?
A ghost?
By the way, nice running shoes, Forrest. They look like two severed bird heads which you stepped on while running
away from the Kotex Monster.
Notice how the sun is just smiling away, like all is happy and joyful in the world.....while this kid with 7 fingers on
one hand and 4 on the other is running for his life.
And what's with the hair, man? Is that a new style, or is your head smoldering from being in such close proximity
to the sun?
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got belt?
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quits working so she calls a
repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells
him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill
on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't
worry about my Bull Dog, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY
circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the
next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But
just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his business. The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the
whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling. Finally the
repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you
stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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