“I’ll see you when you get back.”  Raphael promised his girlfriend.  “I’ll vid-comm. You every day.”

“Ok, I’ll see you after my holiday.”  Little did she know that she never would see him again.

It was nice to have a relaxing break, at least that was what the Doctor insisted that she thought.  “I’m not having a nice time.”  Lucy whispered to Yargrin.  “I don’t need to rest; I’m not built to rest.  I don’t even remember how to rest.”

“Can’t you fake it?”  Yargrin replied.

“I suppose I could calculate the cube roots of all the prime numbers and then multiply them by their square.”

“If it fools the Doctor then do it.”  Yargrin didn’t trust the strange sitting device known as a deck chair. “How are you supposed to get comfortable on this?”

The Doctor emerged from the TARDIS carrying a tray full of teacups and the accoutrements of a tea-related social function.  “Lucy if you don’t want to sit around with us you can always go and explore.  Yargrin, you can’t be tense all the time. Relax, let your guard down.  Now I’ll get the teapot and we’ll have a nice long chat about meditation and stress reduction.  I think I’ve got some joss sticks somewhere.”

Lucy gave up with the prime number nonsense and went for a walk.  “I’ll be back in an hour.”

“Have a good time.”  The Doctor poured herself a generously sized cup of tea.  “Biscuit?”

Yargrin decided to forgo the risky decision that was eating one of the Doctor’s biscuits.  “I’ll just have some of that peculiar herbal infusion.”

The empty halls of Gallifrey echoed with dusty memories and the threat of an imminent danger if something suddenly got out of control.  Raphael’s body was flayed to naught on an ethereal wind.

The kitchen area of the TARDIS was its usual hectic self.  Someone had left the tea to stew and now there was Shada to pay.

“I don’t make tea.”  Yargrin glared at Lucy and the Doctor.  “You know I only drink that tequila stuff.”

“Too much in my opinion.”  The Doctor replied.

“I cannot even drink tea.”  Lucy replied.  “I do not have a mouth.”

“You have an organic input tube.”  The Doctor pointed out.  “You could easily suck up some tea into your internal bio-chemical reservoir.  You still have some organic parts that need the hot sugary goodness that only a cuppa can provide.”  Yargrin and Lucy looked at the Doctor.  “What?”

“Only you drink the stuff.”  Yargrin replied.

“Yes, you have twenty three brightly coloured cups, each with Doctor written on them in different fonts.”

“I admit I like the occasional cup of tea.”  The Doctor backed away slowly.  “But I’d never let a tea pot stew in its own juices.  It’s just not on.”

“You went and made the tea.  You were insistent on it.  You tried to make me want some.  I think it was mind control.”

A room, with a bed.  Cupboards for clothes and many places to decorate to the style of the new occupant.

The Doctor was about to lecture Lucy and Yargrin when suddenly the kitchen door opened and a thin blonde woman walked in.  She seemed very familiar somehow, a friend of a friend.  The sister of an enemy.  Her former stalker in fact.  “Geokai?”

Cardinal Geokai nodded.  “Hi, is the tea finally ready?”  She took out her mobile phone.  “the reception’s bad in here.”

“How did she get in here?”  Yargrin asked the Doctor.

“I tidied up that ivy covered area with the big columns.  You know you really should oil the hinges of your Eye of Harmony collector.”

The Doctor tried to think up a dozen questions all at the same time, unfortunately they all cancelled each other out.  In the end she was left with the clichés.  “Why are you here?”

“I’m on holiday of course.”  Geokai explained.  “Three decades is enough work for any Time Lady.  I deserve a nice long holiday, don’t you think?  I thought why don’t I see what Haana’s best friend is getting up to and maybe lodge with her for a few weeks.  Did I tell you I got that promotion?  I’m a full Cardinal now.  The robes are unflattering I know, but luckily I remember how to make my own and the imitation is just as good looking but a lot more comfy.  For one the underwear doesn’t ride up between my…”

“Chocolate biscuit?”  The Doctor interrupted the interloper quickly.  “They’re bonbons.  My seventh favourite biscuit ever.”

“It’s hard getting used to being a woman again.”  Geokai continued.  Girl, girl, boy and now girl again.  I’d just figured out sting vests too.”  I used to wear them all the time in my first incarnation, but well the second was always too femme for most people’s tastes.  I remember how Claire’s sister used to gaze at me for hours and hours at a time.  Here’s a picture of my new boyfriend.  He’s a Silurian, his name is Raphael.”

“Erm, he’s…cute?”  The Doctor mumbled and passed the picture to Yargrin.  “Say something nice.”

“He has sharp teeth.”  Yargrin approved.

Lucy looked at the picture.  “I’m sure he’ll bring you a lot of blissful years of red hot sex and maybe a couple of kids?”

“We’ve only just kissed!”  Geokai slowed things right down.  “I’m not ready for kids yet.  My first is still at that awkward stage, she hates my guts but she loves me at the same time.  I think it was because I stole her boyfriend from her.”

“She’ll get over it.”

“He was still clingy after I became a woman again.  Poor dear doesn’t quite understand regeneration.  I had to let him down easily, then I had to take out the restraining order and move back to Gallifrey.”  Geokai sat down and crossed her legs.  “Everything’s still a bit upin the air and some days I keep forgetting that I have a vagina when I go to the loo and I ruin another pair of jeans.  That’s why I only wear skirts and dresses now, until I get used to womanhood again.”

“You’re very forthright.”  Yargrin said at last.  “The Doctor is always telling me off for not alluding to what I mean in general conversation.”

“Whatever for?”  Geokai asked.  “That would hamper communications and get someone killed.  That’s kind of how I died this time around.  They said it was a bad idea to pee on a power cable and they were right.”

“Well don’t let us keep you.”  The Doctor said quickly.  “Why don’t you come back and visit us again next century?”

Planet Jedikus, six Jedi mysteriously killed, probably by a Sith agent.

Planet Ruta III, three Rutans melted by a flame thrower.

Planet Maeka, nine Maekalites hacked to death by a machete.

Planet Skaro, twenty eight Daleks decapitated.

Planet Chulak, ten Jaffa dismembered by brute force.

A month later and they were on a beach, somewhere near Cromer.  “She’s still here.”  Yargrin said to Lucy.

“I think she’s grown attached to us.”  Lucy replied.  “She seems, lonely.”

“Hello you two.”  Geokai said to her two friends.  “Shall we play that Frisbee game?  Not for too long though, I think Raphael might call me soon.”

The Doctor sat on the psychiatrist’s chair.  “I just can’t get her to leave.  She’s blind to hint, subtle and obvious.  I think she’s mentally unbalanced.”

Sigmund Freud nodded.  “Ja Frauline Doctor.  I think you are correct.  Now, tell me again about this reality television.  It sounds most interesting.”

The Doctor sat up.  “I’d rather not.  Last time I was in a coma for three days.”

“98…99…100.”  Geokai opened her eyes.  “Coming ready or not.”  She saw that the TARDIS had gone.  “Oh, right.”  She sat down in the sand and started to cry.

Lucy was enjoying a cup of warm oil when the Doctor walked into the room.  “Can I get you anything?”  She tried to put her head back on but couldn’t quite get her hands on the two handles.  “You couldn’t just, erm…”

“No problem.”  The Doctor helped her friend out.  “You really shouldn’t take your whole head off like that, what if something got inside of it, hmmm?  You’d be complaining about the rattling sounds for weeks.”

Then the TARDIS began to shake about, really shake, as if someone had picked it up and was playing it like a maraca.

“This isn’t good.”  The Doctor held on to Lucy for stability.

Lucy held onto the Doctor to stop herself from over balancing.  “Oh no!”

Yargrin managed to separate the tangle of arms and legs.  “What’s going on?”

“It can’t be good.”  Lucy paraphrased the Doctor.

“We’re in the vortex, I have some very nasty concerns about what it could be.  “I only hope I’m wrong.”

“When are you ever wrong?”  Yargrin feared for the worst.

The Doctor shrugged.  “There’s always the exception that proves the rule.”

Lucy collided with Yargrin.  “Sorry.”

The thing that had once been known as Cardinal Geokai screamed joyously as she flung the TARDIS away into the coldest and darkest part of the space/time vortex.  It had been hundreds of centuries, a thousand life times that had passed in a fraction of a second as her body had been torn apart by the chaos and remade.  The great winged worm flew through the eddies of time storms and temporal hurricanes in pursuit of her prey.  Only one thought filled the monster’s mind, revenge.

The TARDIS landed, after a fashion.  A sort of combination of a skid and something that you’d only see as part of an ice-skating routine.  The twin front doors opened slowly and the blonde haired head of the Doctor pushed out slowly.  “We’re safe, although I have no idea where we are.  Maybe I can find a local.  Maybe I can find a supermarket, or a cobbler to fix the heels on these.”  She took her shoes off and threw them back into the TARDIS.

“Please do not throw shoes at me.”  Lucy complained.  “It’s not like I’m only six foot four.”  She drew herself up to her full seven feet and four inches once she was outside of the TARDIS.  “It’s not very busy.  My eyes don’t reveal anything, even at maximum scan.”

The monster approached the planet at high speed.  Intense flames of re-entry lapped coolly over her impossibly tough wings.  Her body could withstand the death-cold of space and the nuclear furnace of a supernova so this was nothing to her.  The mild climate below provided a thousand different menu items as she let loose a thunderous roar of predatory power.  She was so confident of her hunting skills that she cared not who knew of her approach and within seconds her belly was filled with creatures of all sizes from massive dinosaur-like reptiles to smaller elephant-like creatures.

Lucy looked up to see the massive creature.  “Erm, Doctor.”

“What?”  The Doctor looked up.  “I hope that thing doesn’t ruin this jacket.”

“I think it’d more likely crush a small village.”  Lucy replied with her trademarked dead pan wit.

“What are we looking at?”  Yargrin asked.

The Doctor tilted Yargrin’s head up.  “That.”

“Fu…”  Yargrin was cut off when the Doctor accidentally elbowed him in the stomach.

“Ooops.”  She started fishing around in her handbag.  “I know I have your gun in here somewhere.”

“It wouldn’t make a dent.”  Yargin replied.  “Erm I suggest a hasty retreat into the TARDIS.”  Above the creature bgan to dive down on their location.

Lucy dragged the Doctor and Yargrin into the TARDIS.  “You two need to learn to run faster.”

“I can only run in heels.”  The Doctor replied.  “Well ok trainers too, but I refuse to dress like a chavette.”

“You’re wearing a Burbury check hat.”  Yargrin pointed out the Doctor’s fashion faux pas.

“I didn’t notice.”  The Doctor took it off.  “I thought it was my big floppy sun hat.”

“I was wondering why you were wearing just your swimsuit under the jacket.”  Lucy replied.

“Yes, I must admit I was hoping to get in some quality beach time.”  The Doctor admitted.  “However first we must defeat this strange and very big alien creature.”

“Or we could just run away from it.”  Yargrin suggested.

“Maybe.”  The Doctor conceded as she fished out her over-sized sunglasses from her cleavage.  “Or maybe I can pull some trousers on, it’s not quite skirt season yet, get some ass-kicking shoes and kick that creature’s scaly rear.”

“Erm, first of all we have to escape from it’s stomach.”  Lucy pointed to the screen which showed the inside of the monster’s insides.

“It ate my TARDIS?”  The Doctor was angry.

“Calm down.”  Yargrin started moving all breakables away from reach, grab and throw range.

Lucy tried to offer calm advice.  “Why don’t we dematerialize first and then sort it out?”

The Doctor handed her jacked to Lucy before she looked at the controls.  “This is all wrong.  That’s a time sensitive creature out there and it’s blocking the ship’s sensors.  I have nothing relative to lock onto.”

“She’d have looked far more convincing if she wasn’t dressed like a Baywatch lifeguard.”  Lucy said to Yargrin.

The monster felt a strange sense of satisfaction as it digested it’s latest meal.  As if it had completed something grandiose and vital.  A part of it’s mind was suddenly swamped with memory as its personality reasserted itself and the near-mindless predator, once concerned only with the hunt and the kill suddenly began to worry about larger concerns like honour and decency and shoes and a billion other things.  It’s simple carnivore lifestyle suddenly became vastly complicated when she remembered her name.

Geokai work up and realised that somehow things had gone very, very, very wrong.  She screeched in pain as something burned inside and she vomited forth her last meal.  A familiar blue cabinet flew across her field of vision and suddenly she forgot how to fly.  “Oh bugger.”

The Doctor scooped up the pale, broken frame of Geokai.  “Don’t say anything.”

Geokai felt strangely tired.  As if all her energy had drained out of her body.

The Doctor carried Geokai into the TARDIS.  “You’ll need the old girl’s strength if you’re to survive this.”

Geokai felt a strange tingle in her skin, her toes, her finger, her everything.  She was not and then she was again.

The Doctor smiled down at the newly-regenerated Time Lady.  “It’s over now.  The ebony really suits you I think.”

Geokai opened her eyes and felt like a whole new woman.  “Oh, it’s you Doctor.  I know we’re not exactly best friends but I don’t suppose I could prevail upon you to help me out of this bloody outfit before it cut me in two?”

The Doctor nodded and helped the over weight younger woman to undress.  “I’ll, erm, I’ll find you something more your new size.”

Geokai felt ashamed that a near total stranger had seen her in the all together.  “Lets never speak of this again.  Especially to my sister.”

“I’m sure I can agree to that.”  The Doctor left quickly.

Lucy wondered why the Doctor had put her in charge of the help Geokai get dressed committee.  She supposed that Geokai, the new one anyway, was rather shy of boys so Yargrin was out of the question, even though he was an alien.  And the Doctor had prior issues with Geokai’s lack of boundaries, so maybe that did make her the best choice.  “What about the green?”

Geokai looked at the green dress.  “It does show off my breasts.”

“Then why don’t you wear it?”

“Because it does nothing for my rear.”

Lucy wondered if she could get some sort of overtime for this hell on Earth called personal shopping.

The Doctor was frankly relieved when Haana and Leokai turned up.  Even though she hated the obviously evil Leokai, she still preferred her to her twin sister’s new persona.  “Finally, I was wondering where you two were.”

Haana tried to explain.  “Claire was feeding the baby.”

Leo rolled her eyes.  “You didn’t have to stare for a whole hour.”

“I’m a boob gal.”  Haaha replied.  “What did you expect me to do?”

“You didn’t have to take pictures.”  Leo remarked.

“About your sister.”  The Doctor got the conversation back on track.  “She needs therapy and lots of it.”

“Everyone says that to me.”  Leo replied.  “I’m quite sane I can assure you.”

“You destroyed a planet last week.”  Haana said quickly.

“It was overrun by Daleks.”  Leo explained.  “I had to destroy it, for the good of the cosmos.”

“Just because they didn’t arrest you for being an evil psycho, doesn’t mean they like what you do.”  Haana sniped.

“The others are too weak to do what must be done.”  Leo looked at the Doctor.  “You know it’s true Doctor.”

The Doctor shrugged.  “The end sometimes justifies the means, but not always.”

“What?”  Haana was appalled.  “When I was dating Jo Grant you said that the end never justifies the means.  I queered her up real good, ‘nuff said.”

“She brought charges against you for stalking her and her girlfriend Maxine.”  Leo quipped.

“Claire and I were filming a documentary about relationships.”

“Is that what you’re calling it now?”

“It was never supposed to be the number one seller in the galactic adult video charts.”

“You think?  Human girl meets Dalek girl for hot nudie sex and you thought it was just a documentary?”

“Claire won best director award.”

“From the cross species breeding society.”

“This is just a saga now.”  The Doctor muttered.

Finally Geo emerged from inside the spaceship.  “You brought Haana?”  She turned to run but Lucy blocked the door.

“Very nice.”  Haana approved.  “Love the huge tits.”

“HAANA!!!”  Geo screamed in shock.  “How can you be so…so…you?”

“It’s just a compliment.”  Haana replied.

“You never said mine were nice.”  Leo grumbled.

“Grow some and I’ll get back t you.”  Haana replied.

“What?”  Leo’s anger went to Cosmopath on the evil madwoman scale.

“I’ll be in the TARDIS.”  The Doctor said, ushering Lucy back inside.  “Leaving.”

“At least I have a great ass, right?”  Leo asked Haana.

The Doctor shook her head as she relaxed on the beach.  “Some things from the past should remain in the past.”

“I liked her.”  Yargrin replied.

“Which one?”  Lucy bet herself that Yargrin couldn’t remember any of their names.

“The honest one, Leo.”

“You liked Leo?”  The Doctor’s face clouded over like a thousand year storm.

“Not the evil doing bits, but the honesty.  She doesn’t hold anything back.”

“Yargrin’s in love.”  Lucy teased her friend.

“Am not.”  Yargrin replied quickly.

“Thank Omega for that.”  The Doctor relaxed.  “Now can we relax and enjoy this holiday?”

“Sure.”  Yargrin replied.

“Of course.”  Lucy added.

“Hello.”  The Doctor said to his older, girly self.

“Hello.”  The Doctor said to her younger, blokey self.

“Hi.”  Audrey said to Lucy.  “I’m Audrey.”

“Mike.”  Mike said to Yargrin.

“There’s been a bit of a mix up here.”  The Doctor said to his older self.  “I’m supposed to have the beach holiday and you’re supposed to battle the evil Turmingtoks.”

“Are you a robot?”  Audrey asked Lucy.

“No.”  Lucy replied.  “I’m a Cyberwoman.”

“She’s half a robot.”  Yargrin explained.

“I’m an Auton.”  Audrey explained.  “I wasn’t always but I am now.”

“You must be the brains of the outfit.”  Yargrin joked.

“Leave her alone.”  Mike warned Yargrin.

“Just friendly banter to lighten the conversation Yargrin replied.  No offence meant.”

“None taken.”  Audrey replied.  “Hey, wait a minute.  You’re an alien!”  Audrey suddenly felt afraid.

“I’m not going!”  The Doctor insisted.  “I’ve waited ages to slim into this bathing costume.  I’m not going off on some 3 chocolate bar adventure just so you can have a paddle in the sea.”

“It’s worse than that.”  The Doctor explained.  “I have to go and defeat the Barleymen of Barlos Prime.”

“Swap companions?”  The Doctor suggested.

“Fine, but be careful with Audrey, she’s very new to all this.”

“Fine.”  The Doctor sulked and pulled Yargrin’s gun out of her beachbag.  “Make sure he doesn’t use this, unless he really has to.”

“I’m allergic to guns.”  The Doctor refused to touch it.”

Yargrin took his gun back.  “I’m responcible enough to use this.”  The gun accidentally went off and destroyed Lucy’s sand castle.  “Sorry Lucy.”

The Doctor confiscated the gun and put it back in her bag.  “You can have it when you get back.”

Audrey stood next to the woman Doctor.  “So you’re like him?”

The Doctor nodded.  “Yes.”

“But you’re a girl?”

“Yes.”  The Doctor smiled.

“You could wear a little less lipstick you know.”

“I’ll try to have her back in one piece.”  The Doctor promised her younger self.

“This is wrong.”  Yargrin said to Lucy as they followed the male Doctor.  “He’s wearing more make up than our Doctor!”

“Alien fashions don’t translate very well between species.”  The Doctor replied.  “This is all the rage on Kremiflox I’ll have you know.”

“We’re not on Kremi…floppy.”  Yargrin replied.

“Tell me about it the Doctor replied with a frown.  Earth is always so vanilla in comparison.”

The Doctor looked at her two new chums.  “Hello, I’m the Doctor.  I only have three rules, I’ll tell you what they are later.”

“Whatever.”  Mike replied.

“I have a surprise for you in my TARDIS Mike Weston.”  The Doctor winked.

“I think she fancies you.”  Audrey whispered to Mike.

“I’m cool.”  Mike replied.

The Doctor smiled again.  “One of the wonderful things about time travel is that you can always meet new friends and also re-meet old ones.

“Uncle Mike!”  Molly ran out of the TARDIS and hugged her favourite human uncle.

“Molly?”  Mike was astonished.  She looked about six in human terms and seemed ever so glad to see him again.

“A recent visit by a friend of a friend got me to thinking, well I have a lot of spare rooms in the TARDIS and a lot of friends who are down on their luck and a robot planet needed evacuating and they’re all pleasant company and I didn’t have the hearts to evict a couple of them once they got settled in again.”

Alice bladed out of the TARDIS on the in-line skates.  “Help, I have no brakes!”  Mike and Audrey caught Alice in time.  “Thank you, you’re a life saver.  Iron is such a bother to panel beat back into shape.”

The Doctor smiled at her four travelling companions.  “Well let’s get back to the ship, there’s work to be done, lots of jobs for everyone.”

“Don’t worry.”  Alice said to Mike.  “Molly and I won’t mind if you leave the loo seat up.”

“Me neither.”  Audrey added.

“I will though.”  The Doctor replied quickly, then smiled as she ushered everyone inside of the TARDIS.  “Now let’s go and save a world.”