In the tallest tower of his castle of fear, Professor Malicious paced about his over-sized laboratory.  “Soon I shall be the supreme ruler of the universe!”  He laughed manically, his glee bouncing off each wall with cacophonous dread.  He turned to his only trusted aid, Colonel Odium and a smile of cold pleasure formed on his lips.  “Unleash my newest creation, the K bomb.”

Colonel Odium nodded.  “At once Professor.”  The sadistic soldier walked over to the weapon of mass destruction and began to arm it.  “What is the target?”

“What?”  The Professor looked at his subordinate.  “Oh anything, anything.  It really doesn’t matter for a simple test demonstration of my power.”

There was a blast of light and with a swirl of wind and noise the dreaded blue box of Professor Malicious’ enemy appeared in the laboratory.  It opened and the evilest woman in all of creation emerged from it.  “The remarkable and malevolent Doctor Who.”  Malicious spat with all deserved hatred and bile.

Doctor Who, the queen of mystery, chuckled softly.  Her blood red lips opened to reveal pearl-white teeth as she spoke softly and sweetly.  “You always were such a profound idiot.  You think this is what it takes to rule the Universe?”  She shook her head.  “All this is a distraction.”  She removed her intenso-gun from her handbag and aimed it at the K bomb.  “Say goodbye to your folly and prepare to bow to you knees in supplication to your true ruler.”  She blasted the K bomb into nothingness.  “That was only level 2.”  She adjusted the settings.  “This is level 9.”  She aimed it at Colonel Odium.  “You won’t feel much, but what you will feel will make you wish you were dead.”  She fired and Colonel Odium began to mutate as the deadly delta radiation soaked into his body.

“Another one of your radiation soldiers?”  Professor Malicious asked.  “You will never turn me into one of your…abominations.  I am immune to your nefarious delta radiation.”

“I have something far more…pleasant…planned for you.”  Doctor Who popped her intenso-gun back into her handbag as she approached her sworn enemy.  She stood in front of him as she began to undo the buttons of her jacket.  “I’m going to let you kiss me, and then maybe let you ask me out on a date.”

Cautiously Alice popped her head out of the TARDIS.  “You were right, she has gone completely insane.  She’s doing something very strange with her head.  Eeuw, I think she’s kissing him.  I keep forgetting how gross biology really is.”

Mike dragged Alice back in the TARDIS.  “Erase the files; it’s your only hope.”

CHAPTER TWO – THE DEAL IS STRUCK

Doctor Who sat on the throne of wicked ideas and made herself comfortable.  “Now we should send in our troops to do battle with the forces of Major Valiant here, at Cold Heart Ridge.  We’ll ambush them and massacre the lot of them in an orgy of violence.”

“You’re an evil woman right after my own black heart.”  Professor Malicious smiled.

“Hearts.”  Doctor Who replied.  “I have two of them.”

“Even better.”  Malicious replied.  “Now who shall lead our army?  I fear that Colonel Odium is no longer able to command.”

The queen of mystery smiled.  “Why my military leader of course.  Michael Weston.”

“Not a particularly memorable name.”  Professor Malicious remarked.  “How many people has he killed?”

“Why don’t you answer him, Mike?”  The Doctor called out.

On cue Mike emerged from the TARDIS, feeling like a fool in the dumb outfit Audrey had made him wear.  “I am Brigade Leader Weston, commander of the armies of intrigue.  Behold my Robomaton.”

On cue Alice, disguised as a bulky early-model robot, emerged from the TARDIS and made bleep-bleep sounds.  “Kill all humans!”

“Excellent!”  Malicious walked over to the soldier.  “Well you certainly dress down for the occasion.  Tell me, Brigade Leader, how many people have you killed?”

Mike thought about the times had had been forced to defend himself and the Doctor.  “Not enough.”  He hoped he could lie better than he looked.

Malicious giggled with glee.  “I like you.”  He led his new colleague over to the weapons area.  “These are my doomsday weapons.  My spare K Bomb, the Flexi-Ray, the Imploder Cannon and my newest creation the Parrallaxifier Web.”

Mike nodded.  “We should deploy them at once.  Why waste time when there’s carnage to reap?”

Malicious put his arm around Mike.  “After this is all over I really must speak to you about being our personal bodyguard.  Whom else could I trust to look after the Mrs and myself?”

CHAPTER THREE – MAJOR VALIANT SAVES EARTH

Major Valiant stood at the helm of his space saucer, his hands never flinching as he piloted a desperate course through the rocky canyon.  This was the only safe approach to Professor Malicious’ castle of fear and only this ship could traverse the safe path trough the laser minefield that floated around the castle.  “We’ll soon be there.”

At his side stood his peculiar new best friend, Audrey Auton, the purest and noblest protector of humanity and part time shop window dummy.  “We must get there exactly on time.”

“I know the plan.”  Major Valiant replied.  “Once we spring the trap we will rid the universe of Professor Malicious once and for all.”

“More importantly than that, I get to make my grand entrance.  This dress does suit me, doesn’t it?”

“Of course.”  Major Valiant replied.  “You are the most beautiful Earth woman.”

Audrey lapped up the compliment but secretly wondered if Valiant was totally sane.  She was after all more department store display model than human woman these days, ever since her horrific transformation three years ago.  “Erm, whatever.  Now turn left at the swamp of nightmares, a right past the pit of unspeakable horror and go around the cave beast of a thousand nightmares.”

Major Valiant flew past the various hazard, his love of Earth and sense of duty were his inspiration and his strength as he avoided the hazards that Audrey pointed out to him.  “We’re nearly there.  Only my space saucer is small enough and manoeuvrable enough to weave through the laser minefield that surrounds the castle of fear.”

Audrey held on tight to her chair as the saucer dodged through the minefield.  “We made it.”  She let Major Valiant hug her as they celebrated.  “You’re the best pilot in the universe.”

“I was just doing my job Audrey.”  He piloted the space saucer into the hanger bay and led the way to Professor Malicious’ laboratory.  “Stay behind me Audrey.”  He burst into the laboratory and aimed his defenso-pistol at Professor Malicious.  “Don’t move Malicious, I arrest you in the name of Earth and I’ll see that you get a fair trial for your crimes against humanity.”

“Save me my dearest love.”  Professor Malicious approached Doctor Who.

“You only have yourself to blame.”  Doctor Who replied.  “You’re not man enough to be ruler of the universe.”

“Nooooo!”  Professor Malicious screamed as he ran through the hidden archway and escaped in his solar cruiser.

“We won?”  Audrey asked.

“I won.”  Major Valiant replied.  “Now I shall be ruler of the Universe.”

“That’s not the plan.”  Mike said to Alice, who still disguised as the robomaton.

CHAPTER FOUR – VALIANT’S BETRAYAL

“I shall rule the Universe.”  Major Valiant declared.  “There is no one left to stop me.”  He paced around the laboratory.  “With these weapons I will defeat all who oppose me.”

“Excuse me.”  Doctor Who, queen of mystery, tapped Major Valiant on the shoulder.  When he turned around to look at her she punched him in the face as hard as she could.  “I hate egomaniacs before lunchtime.”  She quickly removed his defenso-pistol and popped it in her handbag of a thousand unknowns.  “Maybe it wasn’t Malicious I was sent here to stop?  That crazed idiot couldn’t take over a cheese shop if he tried.  This maniac however has all the makings of a real dictator.”

“Can we play games now?”  Alice asked Audrey and Mike.  “I want to pretend to kill all humans.”

“We can play that another time.”  Mike replied.  “Right now we’re on the side of Earth.”

Molly emerged from the TARDIS, took one look at her motherboard and ran back inside.

“You’ve scared Molly.”  Audrey said to Alice.  “You should go and say you’re sorry right now.”

Alice resumed her regular shape and went back into the TARDIS.

“So, did I look pretty?”  Audrey flirted with Mike.

“You looked ok.  Your hair could use a little more work though.”

“Men!”  Audrey stormed back into the TARDIS.

Mike frowned.  “You’re welcome.”  He walked over to the Doctor.  “Well we should take him back to Earth for some kind of therapy.”

“Lock him in the dungeon of pain, Brigade Leader.”  Doctor Who sat back down on her throne of wicked ideas.  “Now the Universe will bow to the queen of mysteries.”

“Erm…no.”  Mike replied.

“I should jolly well hope so too.”  The Doctor grinned.  “No one should have that much power, it’s bad for the karma.”  She buttoned up her jacket and helped Mike carry Major Valiant back into the TARDIS.  “You know, it’s fun to let your hair down once in a while, don’t you think?”

Mike rubbed his shaved head.  “I don’t have any hair.”

The Doctor smiled again.  “Well I have enough for both of us.  Come on Mike, lets have a pizza to celebrate.”

“Now you’re talking my language Doctor.”  Mike finally felt like he could connect with this future incarnation of the Doctor.