It was a quiet day at the BBC.  The show was on its mid season hiatus and in the canteen three fans sat and discussed the show.

“Anyone else think the show’s retreading old ground?”  Bill asked the others.

“There hasn’t been a good Dalek story for years.”  Kevin sighed and sipped on his mocha.

“I like the new direction.”  Lindsey mused.  “It’s taking the show into new areas previously unseen.”

“I think it’s too violent.”

“Bill, you always say that.”  Lindsey replied.  “When they did the planet of the hippies you said it was too violent.”

“The Doctor shot a hippy.”

“He was trying to garrotte her with his love beads.”

“Sometimes the violence is justified.”

“Yeah, like how is evil supposed to be evil if it’s not allowed to be evil?  You can’t show good unless you show evil too.”

“Have you been reading the novels again?”

“I had to, I hate these mid-season breaks.  It’s too American, what’s with all the repeats anyway?”

“It allows them to show more episodes per season.”

“Ones we’ve already seen.”

“They have put back in all the deleted scenes.”

“They’re not canon though.  Only the material transmitted on the first broadcast is canon.”

“It’s canon if it’s transmitted, it’s just material cut for running time, not because it’s extraneous to the plot, the intention was for those scenes to be transmitted as part of the story, that makes it canon.”

“I only buy the original DVD’s.  I’m not spending another £20 on a story I’ve already got.”

“And the audios, they’re so boring these days.  I remember the first one, so full of ideas and the cast sparkled; now it sounds like they speak their lines while they’re on the loo.”

“Well there was that story where the characters were all possessed by the evil diarrhoea parasites and were all on the bog for a whole episode.”

“What was with that anyway?  Was it a unisex loo, because the Doctor was in the next cubicle to Yargrin and how could Lucy, a Cyberwoman, even contract the illness?”

“They explained it as a structural anomaly of her particular design.”

“What about the new book, the one where she goes to the planet of the shoes?”

“Shaddup about the books already.”

“The books suck.”

“You’re both jealous because I have the full set and you two don’t.”

“I’m not jealous, besides I had to buy an emergency box of panty pads.”

“That’s no excuse; you just didn’t like the cover with the cute pandas.”

“I borrowed it from the library.”

“You cried for a week when all the pandas died.”

“Did not.”

“I had to bring you an emergency box of tissues.  At first I thought you’d found a boyfriend.”

“Yeah, right.  Relationships are for losers.”

“You’re nearly thirty, don’t you want kids?”

“Yes, but it’s hard to meet guys who aren’t intimidated by my life size Paul McGann doll.”

“The one you equipped with that certain something?”

“Hey, don’t go there.”

“So what about the episodes they announced in Heat magazine?”

“About the Doctor battling ultimate evil?”

“That sounds so cliché.”

“Everyone knows that the Master is the ultimate evil.”

“No, it’s the Valeyard.”

“You’re both sad losers, it’s the Black Guardian.”

“He isn’t even black. And anyway it’s offensive to equate being black with being evil.”

“That’s the liberal 70’s for you.”

“Rassilon was evil and black.”

“Darth Vader was evil and he was voiced by James Earl Jones.”

“They killed the only real black guy in the film.”

“Let’s watch that scene from Pulp Fiction.”

“I’ve got something better than that.”

“What?”

“The brand new extended DVD version of The Ten Doctors.”

“Yeah, but Chris refused to appear.”

“He was lost in the Amazon jungle at the time.”

“That’s no excuse.”

“The stand in did a great job.”

“She looked nothing like him.”

“Sinead did a great job and that leather jacket really suited her.”

“Oh my god.  Look over there.”

“Where?”

“There!”

“It’s her.”

“Oh my god, do I have lipstick on my teeth?”

“Just a bit.”

“Great, I meet my idol and I look like a nerd.”

“Use this napkin.”

The Doctor approached the three humans.  “Are you using this salt?”

“No, it’s totally yours.”

“We’re your biggest fans.”

“Really?”  The Doctor was puzzled.

“We watch your show all the time.”

“You do?”  The Doctor removed her fob watch from her clutch purse.  “I seem to have landed in a parallel reality again.”

“That’s so cool.”

“Isn’t that from your fifth season story?”

“Whatever.”  The Doctor wondered what the three possibly mad people were on about.  “I must dash, I’ve left Yargrin unattended in the lobby.”

“Are you recording the new story?  I thought you were on a break.”  Kevin took a few pictures of the star with his mobile phone.

“Just a little holiday, that business with the Gel-huth was rough going.”

“They must be the new alien baddies they’re on about in the chatroom.”

“They were rather difficult to defeat, yes.”  The Doctor sat down.  “I tell you it’s no easy life to lead.  You go for a holiday and you end up in the middle of an alien invasion.  You go to the gym to tone up and mindless killer mutants start killing everyone.  You take another holiday and the taxman arrests you for evasion.  Once I even went to the loo and a weird robot adopted me as her owner.”

“I feel so spoiled.”

“It’s totally ruined the new episodes for me.”

“I was going to buy the new book, now I’m going to hire a therapist instead.”

“What did I say?”  The Doctor asked.  “Oh and by the way sweetie, you have lipstick on your teeth.”  The Doctor got up and walked off.

“That was the best moment of my life!”  Bill exclaimed to the others.

“I’m never going to clean my teeth again.”  Lindsey smiled, showing the lippy to the world.

“The chatroom is going to be so busy tonight.”

Alice wandered by.  “Hello, my name is Alice.  Have you seen the Doctor?”

“She went that way.”  Bill pointed towards the door.

“I see they’ve replaced the actress playing Alice again.”  Kevin took a discreet photo with his mobile phone.  I can make a small fortune from the newspapers with these.”

Outside the building the Doctor and Alice met up with Yargrin.  “Here you are, fish and chips.  You’ll like it.  It’s a popular cultural dish of this island.”

“I got sticky toffee pudding.”  Alice said excitedly.  “I’ll go and share this with Molly.”  She skipped happily into the TARDIS.

Yargrin cautiously sniffed the food.  “It seems ok.”

“Just get it down your neck.”  The Doctor smiled.  “Where’s Lucy?”

“She went to buy shoes.”

“She doesn’t need them and this planet doesn’t do her size.”  The Doctor sighed.  “This really is a very strange reality.  “I met some people who seemed to think I was some sort of television star.  If only my life was so exciting.”

Lucy sauntered back, with a shoebox in her hands.  “I found shoes, that fit.”

“Let’s have a look.”  The Doctor wanted to see what sort of shoes they were.

Lucy opened the shoe box to reveal large silver moon boots.  “They were from this shop called Props.  They had tons of stuff for people of my size.  Look, I even got a broken Cybermat.  I’m going to fix her up and call her Betty.”

The three time travellers went into the TARDIS and it dematerialised.

“So are you going to fix me up with your brother?”  Lindsey asked Kevin.

“Only if you fix me up with yours.”  Kevin replied.

Dating is so passé.”  Bill sighed.

“I’ll fix you up with one of the girls from work.”  Kevin said to Bill.  “Statistically one of them will like you, maybe Michelle, although she is a trekkie.”

“Dating the enemy?”  Lindsey joked.  “Next thing you’ll be speaking Klingon.”

“Ha, ha.”  Bill retorted meekly.

“Get my agent on the phone.”  Jackie Riviera, the star of Doctor Who, said to her assistant.  “I want to renegotiate that book deal.”

“She’s so different out of character.”  Lindsey said to the others.  “She was really nice before.”

“You there, the talking girl, clean your teeth at once.  You have lipstick on them.”

“Oh my god!”  Lindsey covered her mouth with her hands.

“That was brutal.”  Bill sighed.

“Oh, you’re fans.”  Jackie relaxed.  “I thought you were extras.”  She sat down.  “I loathe extras, clumsy shy folk who get underfoot a lot.  I’m the star, not them.”

“You seem more uptight than before.”

“How’s the show going/”

“They’re going to kill off one of my companions.”  Jackie explained to the fans.  “They don’t tell me which one though.  How can I lavish extra care and attention on the one who’s leaving if they won’t tell me who it is?”

Kevin took out his notebook.  “Can I put all this in my fanzine?”

“Sure, whatever.”  Jackie took a pickled egg out of her Tupperware lunchbox.  “This should keep things interesting when I’m interrogated by the guy Gareth is playing.  I can’t remember a single name but I’m great with faces.  You can quote me on that if you like.”

“Are the rumours true?  About the return of Sinestra, the Queen of Evil?”

“I keep trying to suggest it but they say they want to keep the series fresh with new baddies.  I haven’t seen a Dalek in two years.”

“Well you do have a Cyberwoman as your assistant.”

“Dave is such a sweetie, it only took him three stories to learn how to walk in those heels.”

“Lucy is a guy?”  Lindsey felt disturbed.  “It’s hard getting women that size.”  Jackie gossiped.  “The first one we had left after one week, after that it seemed like they could only find midgets, until Dave volunteered.  I suppose he never forgave them for cutting him out of Episode VII.”

“Would you sign my CD?”  Bill pulled it out of his pocket.  “Could you make to ‘my best friend Bill, love Jackie Riviera’? I’m such a huge fan.”

“Sure.”  Jackie signed the front cover of the booklet.  “I’d better go, I don’t think much of this idea of the Doctor getting married but apparently she meets Mr. Right and has his baby.  I think they’ve run out of ideas, either that or they hired the girl who wrote EastEnders 2.”

“This is going to be the best issue of Terror of the Actors ever!”  Kevin grinned.

“We know it can’t be Alice who gets the chop, because they just hired someone new, unless she’s just a temp because the original actress quit and they want to get rid of the character once and for all.”