The Doctor was bored, one of those rare occasions where she just couldn’t find anyone to save or meddle in the affairs of the governments. Forty-seven empty cups of tea and one semi full bladder attested to her boredom. Resigned to despair she switched the television set on and flicked through the channels. She spotted a nice looking man hosting one of those confessional talk shows.
“Hello and welcome.” Jerry Springer greeted the TV viewers. “Today’s topic is My Lover is an Alien. Please welcome my first guest, Ezri Dax.”
“Now Ezri you’re not human are you?”
“No.” Ezri confirmed. “I’m a Trill. We’re a joined species. I have a symbyant implanted inside of me.”
Jerry looked at his notes. “Now you’re in love with Doctor Julian Bashir of Deep Space Nine aren’t you?”
“That’s true Jerry. I’ve been seeing him for a year now.”
“Well let’s bring Julian out.” Jerry waited for Julian to take his seat. “Dr. Bashir, you’re a genetically modified human aren’t you?”
Julian nods. “Yes, my parents had me modified when I was young.”
“And now you have to resort to affairs with alien women because you consider yourself better than the rest of us?”
“What?” Julian gasped. “No. Ezri and I are in love.”
“Yeah.” Ezri spoke up.
“Well, that’s not quite true is it Ezri?” Jerry asked. “Lets meet our next guest, Commander Worf.”
Worf emerged and sat on a chair next to Ezri on the other side of Julian Bashir. “Hello Jerry.” The Klingon rumbled.
“Now Worf, you’ve been having an affair with Ezri behind Julian’s back haven’t you?”
“Yes I have.” Worf rumbled.
“I beg your pardon.” Julian shouted, getting in Worf’s face. “She’s my girl. What you messing about with my girl for?”
“She does not love you.” Work said. “She loves me.”
Jerry backed away from the stage into the crowd until calmness returned. “Now Worf, how long have you been seeing Ezri?”
“Almost three years. I married Jadzia Dax two years ago.”
“Jadzia Dax?” Jerry asked. “Ezri’s sister?”
“No.” Worf stated. “Jadzia Dax was the last host of the Dax symbiont. She was killed and Dax was implanted into Ezri. We tried to make it work and it did. Then she said she wanted time apart and we broke up. Then she started seeing Julian but shortly after that we got back together again.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Julian asked Ezri.
“I love you both.” Ezri sighed. “I like being with both of you. The Dax part of me lusts after Worf while the rest of me wants you Julian.”
“That’s not all though is it Ezri? Lets meet Quark.”

The Doctor tucked into a box of chocolates, this programme was very interesting. Suddenly Haana popped her head into the room.
“I’m off out for a couple of hours.” She told the Doctor. “I’ll be back before dinner time.”
“You shouldn’t use that Time Ring to go out shopping.” The Doctor responded, but she’d already gone. She returned her attention to the TV screen.


“So Quark when did you start seeing Ezri?” Jerry asked.
Quark explained the events of his relationship. “Well just three months ago. There I was cleaning up after a long day when she walked in, threw me on the floor and we made love right there and then.”
Worf threw a chair at him shortly before Julian threw one at him. The security guards rushed on stage to break the fight up and the crowd chanted Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Safe in the audience Jerry informed everyone that they would be right back after the break.


The Doctor watched the adverts with amazement. So many strange things available. She contemplated getting a couple of fashion magazines but decided she preferred the whole shopping experience to looking at pictures. She was against a new toothbrush but the wotsit with the wings looked interesting and she already had a room full of bra’s not including the ones that glowed in the dark or had built in tea makers. Her train of thought was interrupted by the start of part two.


“This is Stacy. She’s happily in love with Ssard, an Ice Warrior from Mars.”
The crowd gasped.
“Tell us about your relationship.” Jerry asked.
“Ssard is such a sweet guy. We met through a mutual friend of ours. We’ve been married now for four years.” Stacy showed off her ring.
“Now then I should mention that Ssard comes from a climate much colder than ours so we’ve prepared a special chilled box for him. Shall we meet him? Come on out Ssard.”
Ssard hurried out on to the set, into the refrigerated box. “Hello Jerry.” Ssard hissed. “It’sss wonderful to be here.”
The crowd gawped at the seven foot tall reptilian Martian.
“Now Ssard. You’ve been married to Stacy for three years. Do you think you’d know if she’d been unfaithful to you?”
“Ssstacy would never do that.” Ssard rasped.
Jerry looked down at his notes. “Lets meet Fitz.”
Fitz Kreiner walked out on stage and kissed Stacy until Ssard shot him with his sonic gun.
“No body takesss advantage of my beloved.” Ssard said. “Come Ssstacy, let usss leave.”


The Doctor had finished the chocolates and she hurried off to find some more. When she returned she found Peri was on the screen.


“So Peri, you were married to the warrior king Ycarnos for a while?”
“Yes.” Peri replied.
“Is it true that you’ve had more than your fair share of alien beings trying to form lasting relationships with you?”
“Oh yes.” Peri laughed. “Every man I meet is more interested in my breasts than me as a person. It’s very pathetic.”
“Let’s meet Ycarnos.”
Peri went ghost white when Ycarnos walked out.
“By Ractor’s very bowels, there you are my queen. Veroonik!” Ycarnos quietly shouted to Peri.
“Hi.” Peri said.
“Now Peri, you divorced Ycarnos after only four years, why?”
“I didn’t have a life. Ycarnos tried but I couldn’t do anything. I was trapped and I just didn’t love him.”
“I love you with all my heart.” Ycarnos shouted very loudly.
“I’ve met someone else.” Peri said. “Someone I love with all my heart.”
The cameras focused on Jerry. “Lets meet Haana.”


The Doctor almost chocked on a caramel cream as Haana walked out on stage and kissed Peri before sitting next to her and holding her hand.


“Now Haana, how long have you been with Peri?” Jerry enquired.
“Three years today.” Haana replied, a grin on her face. “It’s our anniversary.”
Peri kissed Haana. “She’s perfect. Intelligent, witty and not an alien.”
“I belive that Haana has something to say about that.” Jerry infomed everyone.
“Peri, I’m only half human.” Haana confessed. “I’m half Gallifreyan, on my mother’s side. My full name is Haana.”
“What?” Peri shouted. “I thought you were normal.”
“You didn’t notice that I have two hearts?” Haana asked in wonder. “I thought you might have noticed.”
“You lying harpy!” Ycarnos shouted before Haana picked a chair up and hit him with it.
“I love you Peri. I want to be implanted with your fetilised eggs and carry your children.” Haana held Peri’s hands and gazed into her jewel like eyes. “I really do love you.”
“I’m not sure.” Peri admitted. “I thought you were the one for me, now I don’t know.”
As Ycarnos struggled to his feet Haana kicked him as hard as possible in the groin. “And stay down this time.” She shouted. “I’m her fluffy rabbit, not you.”
Peri started to cry and Haana comforted her. “I need time to think.” She sobbed before running off stage.


Jerry looked at camera three and a caption came up saying ‘Jerry’s final thoughts.’ “Well sometimes inter species relationships are possible but other times they’re a recipe for disaster. Who ever we choose as our partners in life we shouldn’t accept that things will be simple and easy. If we work at our relationships then they have a chance of working out. Goodnight.


The Doctor turned the TV set off. “I’ll kill her.” She hissed. “I will. I’ll kill her.” She stalked off darkly towards the kitchen, determined to imbibe a lot of tea.


“Doctor, I’m home.” Haana shouted cheerfully. “Where are you?” She asked.
“In the kitchen.” The Doctor replied coldly. “Why don’t you join me?”
Haana bounded into the kitchen. “Did you do anything interesting while I was out?” She asked the older Time Lady.
“Not a lot, watched a little television. How’s Peri these days?”
“She’s fine. Oh.” Haana realised she had been rumbled. “How did you find out?”
“Do the words Jerry Springer mean anything young lady?”
“Oh.” Haana exclaimed. “That was years ago.”
“It was thirty minutes ago.” The Doctor stated. “I just watched it.”
“Years ago my time. Peri and I split up shortly after it. I had a successful movie career to get over her. An assumed name of course, I don’t want them to trace me and end up starring in an alien autopsy video special do I?”
“Hand that Time Ring to me.” The Doctor said. “Right now.”
Haana slipped the bracelet like temporal device off of her wrist. “Spoil sport.” She muttered.
“You can have it back when you’ve shown enough maturity to deserve it.”
“I’m almost fifty Doctor.” Haana said. “That’s almost anchient for a human.”
“You’re not human though anymore. We don’t age and mature as fast as they do. You’re like a kid let loose in a sweet shop. You need to learn discipline. If you don’t learn it from me then it’s back to Gallifrey with you. Cup of tea?”
“Yes please.” Haana replied. “I don’t suppose there’s much chance of me moaning on about my relationships is there?”
“I’m always here for you Haana.” The Doctor poured herself a cup of tea. “I just have the rest of causality to think about as well.”
“Yeah. I’ll try and be more responcible. It’s not as if I planned on falling in love. It just happened. Our eyes met across a crowded Ambassadorial function. She talked about her failed relationships, I comforted her. Then she got hysterical in the ladies and given the choice between slapping her and kissing her I chose the familiar option. After that it was a full eighteen hours of, well you don’t want to hear the details.”
“Yes well it’s obvious that you didn’t get my asexual nature from me isn’t it?” The Doctor mused.
“Actually that’s what did it in the end. She would want hot passionate sex and all I wanted was a cuddle and a cup of tea.” Haana finished off her tea. “That’s when she left me when I told her once a month was too much of a commitment.”
“Oh well. Maybe you’ve got it all out of your system.” The Doctor observed. “When you get to my age all you’ll want to do read a book in bed.”
“You really need to get out more.” Haana jumped to her feet. “I have an idea. You’re going to see the Chippendales.”
“I do like antiques.” The Doctor mused.
Haana handed the Doctor a wad of dollar bills. “You’ll need these.” She said before going to the console room to set the co-ordinates.