It was the best of nights last night, but now it was the worst of hangovers this morning. Haana threw something at the alarm clock and seemed to hit it. The terrible ringing noise finally ended.
“Look at the state of you.” The Doctor said, looking down at her sleepy companion. “One pint of shandy and you’re hung over. You know you’re far more sensitive to ethanol than you used to be. I have a good mind to lecture you properly when you’ve recovered, however there’s more urgent things to do first. Make yourself presentable and for goodness sake drink tea next time.”
Haana yawned automatically as she tried to collect the fragmented memories from last night. She pulled the blanket down once the Doctor had left and managed to stand up on only her third attempt. “Woah.” She said when the room started to spin around.
Images of the previous night flashed through her head. A girl, a kiss, the restroom and then calling the Doctor her best friend in the world. “Omega.” She swore as she banged her knee on her desk.


Jean-Marc tried to leave the kitchen before the Doctor poured him another cup of tea. He stood up, only to see the Doctor putting another cup down in front of him. “I can’t drink anymore.” He said before rushing out of the room.
“How strange.” The Doctor commented before drinking the tea herself.


Haana finished touching up her eyeliner when she started to have more memories of last night. These were, stronger, more vivid than before. She was at the nightclub. The Doctor was sat in the same chair all night, nursing her mineral water for the entire duration. Jean-Marc was somewhere on the dance floor and she was enjoying being chatted up by a very gorgeous girl.


“This is a great club.” Haana commented.
“Yeah.” Rachael agreed.
“Really cool music.”
“Do you like Orbital?” Rachael asked.
“Yeah.”
“Do you wanna go somewhere more secluded?”
“Only with you.” Haana teased.
A few minutes later they were inside a stall in the ladies, it was much quieter now and they could talk more easily.
“I like your tattoo.” Haana said, running her hands down Rachael’s back.
Rachael moaned at Haana’s touch. “That feels good. There’s something I should tell you.” She turned around to look at Haana.
Haana kissed Rachael softly and seductively. “What’s that?” She asked, staring dreamily into the other girl’s eyes.
“I’m not human.” Rachael stated flatly. “I’m not even humanoid.”
“Cool.” Haana sighed, kissing Rachael again.
“I said I’m not human. I’m an alien being from another planet.”
“I heard you.” Haana said, casually unbuttoning her blouse. “You’re very sexy.”
“You want to make love to me, even though I’m not human?” Rachael asked.
“I’m only half human myself.” Haana winked. “Long story, genetic hybrid yadda, yadda, yadda.”
Rachael turned to leave. “This is wrong.” She said flatly. “I can’t take advantage of your human naiveté.”
“I’m a big girl.” Haana whispered softly.
“If you’re only half human, what’s your other half?” Rachael asked, her hands undoing the clasp.
“Gallifreyan.” Haana breathed in and out quickly. “I’m a Time Lady.”
“What?” Rachael asked, her body shimmering and shifting as she started to revert to her natural state. “You are from Gallifrey?”
“No, Miami.” Haana said, turning around.
“No, don’t look at me.” Rachael said. “I’m a hideous purple monster.”
“Hey, quit the self loathing.” Haana put her arms around Rachael’s body and hugged her. “As Thurpiods go, you’re a bit of a babe actually.”
“You don’t find me hideous?” Rachael asked?
“Now I’m not one to quibble over species.” Haana began. “You’re kind, caring, considerate and I’m ready for a close encounter of the fourth kind if you are.”
“No.” Rachael said. “I must go. I’m sorry, but a Time Lady? I do have my standards.”
“Can I keep these?” Haana held up Rachael’s underwear. “Something to remind me of you?”
“Sure.” Rachael responded before she was enveloped in a brilliant green light.
Haana returned back to the party she decided to get smashed and have a whole pint of shandy. “I’m just unlucky in love.” She told the barmaid as she nursed her drink. “No body love me. No one at all.” Then she spotted the Doctor and she walked over to her, her legs unsteady on the rolling floor. She draped an arm around the Doctor’s shoulder and said hello. “You’re by best friend Doctor. My very best friend in the whole Universe.”


The Doctor poured Haana a cuppa when she finally entered the kitchen. “Ah the kraken awakes does she? Get this down you, you’ll feel much better.”
“Thanks.” Haana sipped the tea. “I feel like a Yeti who’s been shaved and made to eat all her own body hair.”
“Now Haana, I’m not one to pry in the affairs of others but I thought you were really going to give abstinence your utmost effort. I know you’ve been finding it a bit difficult but have you considered long walks or cold showers?”
“I didn’t kop off Doctor.” Haana snapped. “She turned me down when she found out I was a Time Lady. There I was waiting for her to take advantage of me and she turned me down. Women, we’re all bitches.” Haana complained. “I tell you I’m this far from eating chocolate.” Haana held up the thumb and forefinger, they were less than a millimetre apart. “Is it me?” Haana asked the Doctor. “Am I sending out hetro vibes? Do I look straight to you? It’s not like I was even after sex, well not much anyway.”
“You’re an attractive, charismatic young lady.” The Doctor said. “So highly oversexed you make rabbits seem puritan, but that’s nothing a couple of hundred years won’t cure. It’s just your hormones Haana, I think you’re going through puberty again.”
“Again?” Haana asked. “Not more hair to shave? Kill me now, please?”
The Doctor poured her confused companion another cup of tea. “You’re thinking too much about it. Just chill out in the TARDIS for a few weeks and immerse yourself in your studies. You’ll wonder what all this fuss was about.”
“Really?” Haana asked.
“Of course, now drink your tea and write a three hundred page report on the history of Gauda Prime.”
“Gauda Prime?” Haana asked. “Never heard of it.”
“I thought we’d have a nice holiday there, it’s a farming colony. There’s just enough time for you to write your report before we get there.”


“This place does not say farm to me.” Jean-Marc said, looking at the expanse of trees. “They are not even fruity trees.”
“I think you’re right.” The Doctor agreed.
“Where are we then?” Haana asked.
“This is, or was, Gauda Prime.” The Doctor stated very firmly. “I think we missed its farming era.”
“Oh great, now we’re on a world where crime isn’t a crime. We could be killed or worse.” Haana started to panic.
“Just stay close together.” The Doctor advised, “there’s a building over there.”


Jean-Marc looked at the steel silo cover. “How do we get it open?” He asked.
Haana studied the steel then she spotted a small rectangular hatch, which flipped open to reveal a keypad. Quickly she typed in the entry codes and was pleasantly surprised when the seventeenth one actually worked. “No flowers please, only your kind applause will do.” She said to the Doctor and Jean-Marc.
“Well done.” Jean-Marc clapped and cheered. “Now who wants to climb down those ladders first?” He wondered why they were looking at him. “It’s me isn’t it?”

“Oh you’re such a big strong and we weak little girls would plummet to our deaths.” Haana teased.
“Look at it this way,” the Doctor began, “it’s a vital and necessary duty. Haana opened the door, you make sure the ladder’s safe.”
“Oh very well.” Jean-Marc began to climb down into the abyss.


Haana spotted a rack of guns. Quickly she removed the ammunition clips and hid them before replacing them all with stun charges. “I hate weapons.” She spoke to herself as she ran to catch up with the Doctor and Jean-Marc.

“Why build underground Doctor?” Jean-Marc asked.
“Well it’s more defensible.” The Doctor entered lecture mode. “All that free protection provided by all that rock. You’d need a lot of heavy machinery to dig then out and there’s none of that on Gauda Prime yet. Haana’s the expert on this planet, well she had better be after I made her research the planet’s history.” The Doctor looked around. “Where has she gone now? Honestly she’s got the attention span of a goldfish.” She heard footsteps and Haana came running down the corridor towards them.
“Sorry, I was looking for the ladies. You haven’t seen it have you?” She used a little white lie to cover her small act of rebellion.
“Well you can just explain to Jean-Marc why this planet is in the condition it is before you use the loo.” The Doctor informed Haana.
“Very well. A long, long time ago in this galaxy there was a corrupt and decadent regime that called itself the Federation. It was a cruel and harsh dictatorship that ruled with an iron heel. Gauda Prime was thought to be of little importance so it was designated for use as a farming colony world. Families were shipped here from all over the Federation. As time passed the Federation sold the land to the farmers to get more money. Then a rare mineral was discovered here and the Federation asked the farmers to sell up and move on somewhere else. Well they didn’t want to move and the Federation couldn’t move them legally so they reclassified the planet as an open planet. The laws were rescinded and it quickly became populated by every criminal and psycho in the galaxy. The farmers were brutally killed and worse. No one seemed to care about Gauda Prime until recently. Now its being cleaned up, all the criminal vermin are being rounded up and arrested. This base is part of the law enforcement complex. Run by the Federation but used mainly by bounty hunters.” Haana’s words were interrupted by a loud alarm going off.
The Doctor found a computer control panel and after a minute or so the sirens died down. “There, that’s better.” She flattened herself against the wall as a squad of black dressed soldiers ran past, armed with hand weapons.
“Uh oh.” Haana said to herself when she saw they were carrying the weapons she had hampered with.
“I wonder where they’re going?” Jean-Marc asked heading the way the soldiers ran.
“Probably not much.” The Doctor said, catching up with her younger companion.
“I wonder if the loo is in this direction?” Haana mused out loud, keeping to her story before hearing the gunfire. Arms flailing at either side of her body she ran after the others as quickly as she shoes would allow her to.


The Doctor looked down at the pile of bodies and felt for a pulse. To her surprise she found that each of them had a pulse but two of them. A brown curly haired man with a scar above one eye had bled to death after being shot repeatedly in the chest. The second was a woman who had also been shot in the chest and stomach region.
Haana finally made her way into the room. “If I knew I would be running, I’d have worn something sensible.” She wheezed before seeing the bodies. “I know these people.” She said. “They were the ones who dumped me on that planet with the Androgum. They took most of my money too. I earned that money fairly in a game of poker.”
“Who are they?” Jean-Marc asked.
Haana indicated to the others as she pointed them out to Jean-Marc. “The dreamy blonde one’s called Soolin, the dark-skinned girl is called Dayna. The one with the black leather and the studs is called Avon, that’s Tarrant and the other one is called Vila. They had a computer with them, Ar…Err…or…ORAC, that’s it. I wonder where it is.”
The Doctor left the room and returned shortly with a box of flashing lights. “Is this it?” She asked Haana.
“Yes. Are you working ORAC?”
“Of course I am. Please don’t waste my time with trivial questions.”
Haana thought for a second. “What’s the square root of minus two?” That should keep it quiet for a few seconds she thought to herself.
“The value of the square roots of any negative number is represented in mathematics by the letter i. Furthermore, since you were no doubt trying to trick me into thinking you are less intelligent than you really are suggests that are either very intelligent or very stupid.”
“I’d go with the first one.” Jean-Marc interrupted, “she’s really quite bright. When it comes to figures there’s none more dedicated than Haana.”
Haana shot Jean-Marc a withering gaze but saw that he was laughing too much to notice. “Yes well ORAC, when will they recover?”
“I trust you refer to the ones known as Avon, Tarrant, Soolin, Dayna and Vila? Avon and Tarrant will recover in time but the others will be fine in a few minutes. The other man is unknown to me but he will recover shortly.”
Haana handed ORAC to Jean-Marc and went to see how Soolin was. Carefully she cradled the blonde woman in her arms and examined her eyes one at a time. “Like sparkling sapphires.” Haana said.
Soolin looked up to see the crazy girl that had met three months ago. “You? How did you get here?”
“Be quiet Soolin, you’re ok. You were shot. Do you need to take your clothes off?” Haana realised that she had spoken this last question aloud.
“I’ll be fine thanks.” Soolin answered. “Now what are you doing on GP?”
“I think she means Gauda Prime.” The Doctor explained helpfully.
“We were exploring. We thought this was an agricultural world but we were too late. However I saved your life.”
“I don’t seem in undue pain.” Soolin replied. “How do you come to that conclusion?” She tried to sit up.
Haana helped Soolin to her feet. “I saw their guns and I changed the ammunition for stun charges.”
“Then we owe you our lives.” Soolin stated matter of factly. “Help me see to the others before those Federation troops return.”


Between the four of them they carried the bodies of the others to a safer location. Haana made sure she was standing behind Soolin every time she bent over, well it was all the reward she needed she kept telling herself.


“It doesn’t feel right leaving them there.” Haana said to the Doctor. “And Avon could have said thank you at least once.”
“He was in shock Haana.” The Doctor explained. “He wasn’t thinking straight. I thought you did very well.”
“You did?” Haana asked. “Neat.”
“Of course. Now lets get back to the TARDIS, I’ll make us all a lovely big pot of tea.” There was a muffled ringing and the Doctor took an alarm clock out of her pocket and looked at it. “Crikey is that the time? We have to be at the football match seven centuries ago.”
“I hate football.” Haana whined.
“I hate your American football.” Jean-Marc muttered. “It is just Rugby with padding.”
The Doctor looked aghast at her two companions. “You’ll both have a great time and that’s an order.”