Several lightweight helicopters ferry numerous injured soldiers over a war-torn countryside near the front line, where the local people are but pawns in a larger political game. Two nations are going head to head behind thinly disguised masks of peace and friendship people are dying for their beliefs in a battle to determine which side is right. The air is filled with tension and the acrid cloying smoulder of bombs and bullets and death. The dead are the lucky ones in this hellhole, for them there is no more pain, no more suffering. But for those who live on, the rapidly tumbling walls of reality offer no comfort and no respite.
Their only hope for mercy lies in the hope that they are too wounded to return to the hell from which they were maimed. In this war of ideas and ideals the truth was the first casualty and humanity is rapidly becoming the second. Helicopters ferry the injured away to mobile army surgical hospitals, in a constant stream of flesh and bone the doctors have their work cut out for them because peace is a long way off and no one’s realised that all war is futile. Soldiers killed by their own comrades through fear, confusion and woeful mismanagement.
Thousands of innocent lives fed into the grinder by uncaring leaders to fuel their own delusional megalomania. These so-called leaders of men were nothing but playground bullies who forced others to do their dirty work, to justify their own conceits and prove that they are right and their enemy is wrong. The horror of it all is too impossible to believe, the folly of it all is too staggering to comprehend, and the tragedy of it all is that it’s true.
Into this arena of pain a champion of humanity arrives, she is a wonderer in the fourth dimension of time and space. A cosmic heroine who champions the underdog and fights for what others all to often neglect. If only she hadn’t let Haana drive…


The TARDIS, familiar to some, reassuring to others and an object of terror to certain inhabitants of the planet Skaro. On a casual glance it looks like a blue box with two small doors and some frosted glass windows too small to serve any real purpose. However go through these doors and you would find yourself in another dimension all together. You see insides and outsides aren’t the same thing in regard to this time machine come home for three friends. The inside of this realm is mainly off-white with roundels set into the walls for no adequately explored reason. The Doctor has tried changing things a few times, a green hue here, bowl shaped roundels there but currently the slightly pinky grey tone seems to work.
The TARDIS is full of corridors and rooms to explore and find a new wonder each time. Whole rooms can be lost for years before being found again suddenly quite by chance. Take the pot pouri room which has only been glimpsed three times in four hundred and seven years or the Zen room with its many beanbags and tranquil music which has almost been the Doctor’s room from room since she became a she. The console room is the nerve centre of the ship. From here switched can be flicked and buttons pressed which alter the TARDIS’s flight through time and space.
Judging from the pall of oily smoke coming from the burning console and the Doctor’s mannerisms it’s clear that she’s not in a happy mood. Judging by Haana’s guilty look she feels responsible for the accidental collision, which has caused the emergency landing. As the smoke begins to clear it’s obvious that the Doctor is expecting an apology of some sort from her friend.
Haana felt the Doctor’s cold, icy glare boring twin holes into her conscience. “I’m sorry ok. You said the ship wouldn’t crash, I didn’t see that asteroid.”
The Doctor shook her head again as another small cloud of smoke spluttered embarrassingly out of the fried mass of circuits, which used to be the navigation controls. “It won’t take too long for the TARDIS to repair herself. Luckily for us I managed to install that self-repair device from the Monk’s ship.”
Haana looked at her hands, they were still shaking and now they were dirty and one of her fingernails was charred and blackened by a discharge of artron energy. “I need a manicure.” She showed the Doctor her poor injured hand. “Do you have a press-on I can borrow?”
The Doctor glared at her confused, irrational young friend and found it in her hearts to forgive the poor thing. She had tried very hard to make a controlled landing and had actually done quite well considering the nature of the collision. “In my jewellery box, second layer down. Don’t use the soft pink ones, I’m saving those for a special occasion.”
“It’s my birthday next month.” Haana suggested hopefully. “Is that special enough?”
“We’ll see.” The Doctor prodded the charred circuits of the control column carefully. “It could have been worse, she could have called me Mommy. Then I would have been forced to kill her. See if Jean-Marc is hurt.” She called down the corridor towards Haana’s distant figure. Both her young chums had one thing on their hormone imbalanced mind, their teenage brains were not driven by logic and reason like a normal persons, they were driven by base desires like love and passion and wanting to be around young ladies. Haana was especially bad in this department, her gay companion was forever getting her hearts broken over some girl she hardly knew and expecting her to put all the pieces back together again. Same with Jean-Marc, although at least he was sensible enough to learn from the rejections each time.


Haana looked at Jean-Marc’s head. True it was bleeding and he was in some pain but it could have been worse. “You’ll live.” She put some healing spray on the cut before picking up one of his secret stash of erotic magazines. “Is this the best you can do?” She flicked through the pages at the pictures of partially clad women. “I’ve got much better quality stuff. Remind me to pass them on to you. She’s still got a bra on for Omega’s sake.”
“Great, you find my stash of magazines and then further humiliate me by offering me some of your gay porn.”
“Do you want them or not?” Haana asked.
“Sure, but can you try to not crush my ego quite so much next time? What about Brandi here?”
“Nice tits, but come on she’s obviously two months pregnant and been throwing her guts up all morning. I don’t know how they managed to airbrush all the vomit off her chin. Look at this picture, Chandelle and Yvonne.” Haana pulled a picture from out of the back pocket of her jeans.
“Sacre-bleu!” Jean-Marc exclaimed. “This is outrageous. Why would two women degrade themselves like that?”
“What do you mean?” Haana asked. “Claire And I used to do that all the time. She liked it when I moaned her name in all different languages.”
Jean-Marc stood up. “I think if I hear anymore of this I will be scared psychologically for the rest of my life.”
“It gets better.” Haana promised. “Besides it won’t hurt you to get in touch with your feminine side a little.”
“I am in touch with it.” Jean-Marc snapped. “But I don’t think you’re remotely near yours. You treat other women like objects to stare at and imagine romance with. It is disgusting the way you behave sometimes, I don’t know why the Doctor puts up with you after that incident with Sonya. That woman may never recover from the shock of finding you naked in her bed with a rose clenched between your teeth and a bottle of lotion in each hand. I think it’s best left unsaid where you had placed the bottle of champagne, don’t you?”
“Well I’m never going to put anything there that nature intended to have there, I am a lesbian after all. You didn’t complain about that can of beer I smuggled past the Doctor now did you?”
“Urgh!” Jean-Marc said with honest disgust.
“I lost my virginity to a ketchup bottle.” Haana confessed one of her deepest secrets. “I must say penetrative sex needs a lot of work if they expect any woman to scream the room down like some of the things I’ve had done to me by Claire. Take it from me a girl is faking it unless she sounds like someone is trying to clean her uterus with a large bit of wood covered in barbed wire.”
“I feel ill.” Jean-Marc felt his skin turn decidedly green.
“Anyway, enough of the small talk, the Doctor wants to explore where we’ve landed.”
“How do you know she wants to explore?”
“Because she always wants to explore everywhere whenever we land somewhere new.”
“Where are we anyway?”
“I’m not sure, I was driving again.”
“Great, we could be anywhere then.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“I have no confidence in your driving abilities Haana.”
“I’m going to go and change into something more comfortable and sexy.” Haana left to go to her own room and change into the cute black dress with matching 3” chunky heeled boots and cardigan. She was already choosing accessories before she was even out the door.
Jean-Marc shook his head after Haana had finally left. “I swear that one day…if I ever manage to understand women, I’ll never understand that girl.”


The 4077th MASH unit has a long tradition for the unconventional, it’s unorthodox surgeons may take liberties with the military regime but they’ve always saved as many lives as they can possibly save before sending those able back to the front to get another chance at dying for their country. Currently two of the 4077th's finest surgeons are doing what they do best after another long shift, get drunk and talk about naked women.
“I don’t care what you say, I like Marilyn Monroe more.” Captain ‘Trapper’ John MacIntyre said abrasively.
“I don’t agree.” Captain Hawkeye Pierce replied. “I’ve always preferred Ginger Rogers.”
“Well at least you have some taste, I mean you could have said Geena Davis and then I’d have to ask you to step outside.”
“You know, you’ve never been the same since you shaved that moustache off? You even look different too. Maybe I’ve drunk too much martini? No that’s not it. I haven’t drunk enough yet, that’s what it is.”
“Has Radar been able to get more olives yet?”
“I hope so, martini without olives is like this place without Duke.”
“So how come he got to go home and you had to return here? You just turned up with those MP’s.”
“They caught me with that jeep I borrowed. Turns out the Army takes exception to people driving off terrain vehicles off terrain.”
“At least Henry got you out of the stockade.”
“That was no banquet I can tell you, all I got was rice and noodles everyday. I tell you something, give me crispy bacon everyday and I’ll sew up as many of our boys as they can get hurt.”
“At least things should be quiet around here for another month.”
“Oh, why’s that? Have the Army run out of ways to get our boys hurt?”
“No, they’re releasing Frank from that mental hospital. Hot Lips was telling everyone about it this morning.”
“Lets hope he doesn’t hear about what Duke got up to with her while we were in Japan.”
“I’d like to see that conversation. In the meantime though Henry say’s we’re getting some top British surgeon to cover for Frank and Duke.”
“Well we could replace Frank with a mop and it would be more effective but Duke, he was damn good with a scalpel.”
“Well, a toast to our new surgeon, Doctor John Smith.”
“To Doctor Smith. Does that sound like a real name to you?”
“Maybe he’s a spy sent undercover?”
“Or a journalist wanting to get the real story?”
“As long as he likes a dry martini I don’t care if he dresses like Private Klinger and talks like my cousin Mary.”
“The one who thinks she’s General Patton?”
“That’s the one. Klinger is basing his whole section eight appeal on her.”
They both continued to drink themselves into an alcoholic stupor as a tannoy sounded out an important news item.

“Your attention please. Due to a lack of eggs, only one boiled egg will be served per soldier at breakfast. Any soldier found eating more than one egg will be fined twenty dollars.”


The TARDIS doors swung inwards before the Doctor emerged out into the sunshine. “It’s perfectly safe, come on out you two.”
“Hey!” Jean-Marc shouted. “She pushed me out of the door.
“You were in my way.” Haana emerged at last. “So where are we Doctor?”
“I’m not exactly sure.” The Doctor replied. “Somewhere on Earth but we could be anywhere from a ranch west of Hollywood to the middle of the Vietnam War.”
“I’m glad you know so much.” Jean-Marc replied sarcastically. “Can you get us away from here?”
“Of course I can.” The Doctor said, her tone obviously displaying that she was piqued that her technical expertise had been called into question. “I can do anything I like.”
“You can’t fix the light on the fridge.” Jean-Marc pointed out.
“Well you can’t put the loo seat back down after you use it.” Haana sniped.
“Look, lets just have a nice pleasant walk and explore for a little bit?” The Doctor looked at her two young companions and the thought lines on her face conveyed the feeling that she was wondering if they staged these fights for her benefit.
“Well it is a nice day for a walk.” Haana conceded. “Why don’t we go that way?” She pointed in a casual direction.
“I want to go that way.” Jean-Marc pointed in exactly the opposite direction Haana had pointed to.
“We’ll go this way.” The Doctor struck off in a direction perpendicular to where the other two had pointed. “Come on, hurry up you two. Last one to find something interesting makes the tea.”
“I hate it when we do this.” Haana complained to Jean-Marc. “We always get attacked by some slime ball monsters that imprison us and want to make me their wife. Hello, am I not putting out enough gay vibes already? Am I starting to lose my inner queerness?”
Jean-Marc shook his head. “Haana, without a doubt you’re the gayest person I have ever met. I’ve been thrown out of more places because of you coming onto some girl than I care to remember. Only someone totally stupid or blind could doubt that you’re the gayest woman on this planet. At first I thought it was just an act, like you were exaggerating but sadly it’s true and to be honest a little pathetic too.”
“Hey, I just asked for your opinion, not some abuse. I’m not pathetic really, am I?”
“Well you do tend to throw yourself at girls and none of them seem to be actually gay. I’ve lost count of the number of times you’ve been slapped or had drinks thrown in your face and there was that time you were attacked.”
“What about that soldier? She didn’t turn me down.”
“No, she was a psycho. She kidnapped me remember? She thought I was trying to hit on you and she was going to kill me.”
“I saved you didn’t I?” Haana asked. “I rescued you from the big nasty girl with the gun like you were a helpless little girl kidnapped by the big bad monster. One up for women’s lib I think.”
“Several million against though for your celebratory party I think. The way you treated those poor girl. Strippers have feelings too you know, that Amanda is still in therapy to this day after you undressed her with your teeth.”
“You weren’t complaining at the time as I recall. You were grateful for me allowing you to see a naked woman for the first time.”
“You don’t count Haana.” Jean-Marc pointed out. “And you slept with the one girl I did like.”
“She wasn’t your type, trust me.” Haana stressed. “Some of the things she did to me, to have stood a chance of attracting her attention you’d have needed a penis removal and a pair of fun bags.”
“Well at least I’d have called her then next day. What did you do?”
“Lets not have this conversation anymore shall we?”
“You slept with her sister.” Jean-Marc reminded Haana. “And her twin cousins and her best friend and her sister too.”
“That’s not true.” Haana hissed.
“Isn’t it?” Jean-Marc asked.
“No, I slept with Tanya nearly a week later.”
“It’s not something to be proud of.” Jean-Marc said.
“Well it’s more than what you got.” Haana went for the sucker punch.
“Will you two stop arguing?” The Doctor asked. “You’re spoiling the whole atmosphere of our trip out. As I’ve found someone interesting it’s now up to one of you two to fight it out for the fight to make me a nice lovely cup of tea.”
“Excuse me ma’am.” Corporal ‘Radar’ O’Reilly saluted.
“Don’t call her ma’am!” Haana and Jean-Marc shouted out at the same time.
“I’m the Doctor.” The Doctor introduced herself.
“I’ve been expecting a Dr John Smith ma’am, miss, sir, Doctor. A man.” Radar replied.
“Well that’s close enough I guess. I’m Dr Jane Smith. I’ve lost all my luggage when our jeep ran over a landmine. Luckily it was our jeep and not an innocent civilian though.”
“The MASH isn’t far from here Dr Smith.” Radar saluted again. “If you’d all like to follow me, I know Major Blake will be happy to see you. Although he thinks you’re a man too I should warn you now I guess.”
“I’m sure we can sort out all this confusion in time Corporal.” The Doctor smiled at the NCO. “You know, you remind me of a young Corporal Benton I once knew. Nice chap, went on to become a Chief Warrant Officer before retiring to run a car dealership.”
“We should stop her now.” Haana whispered to Jean-Marc. “She could be here for hours as she goes though the life stories of all the UNIT people she’s met over the years. If she mentions the Brigadier I’ll pretend I’ve seen a Cyberman and you scream like a girl.”
“Can’t we do that the other way around?” Jean-Marc asked.
“Why?”
“Because you are a girl.”
“Oh, ok then.” Haana agreed.
“We should really get going Dr Smith.” Radar said. “There’s choppers on the way. I can hear them before they appear you see, that’s why they call me Radar.”
“So how many other doctors to we have?” The Doctor asked.
“Well there’s Major Blake, Captains Pierce and MacIntyre and that’s it. Now that you’re here though I’m sure we’ll be able to save more lives.
“That’s what I do best.” The Doctor said with another of her smiles.
“Then we have a dozen nurses under the command of Major Houlihan. So we have enough medical cover for everyday casualties.”
“Excuse me.” Haana said to the bearer of great news. “Did you say nurses? Female nurses?”
“Yes ma’am.” Radar replied. “Or can’t I call you ma’am either miss?”
“I’m not fussy about titles. I’m Haana by the way, so are any of these nurses…available?”
“Some are married, but many are single.”
“Steady on now Haana.” The Doctor cautioned her hormone supercharged chum. “You don’t want to get your hearts broken again so soon after the last time.”
“I know what I’m doing Doctor.” Haana replied.

Inside the camp the loudspeakers crackled into life again. “Your attention please. Would all personnel please refrain from smoking in the latrines? It took seven hours to clean up the mess last time.”


The mess hall was its usual busy mass of humanity intent of consuming the inedible. Twenty soldiers, surgeons and nurses were packed into close confinement all focused on the small metal tray in front of them. This was not so much food as a poor imitation of it, manufactured to provide optimum nutrition but zero flavour.
“Can I sit here Major?” Father Mulcahy asked.
“Of course you can Father.” Mayor Houlihan replied. “Are you going to say grace?”
“Well I can if you want me to. However it seems inappropriate to disturb everyone else when they’re already eating.”
“I’m sure they won’t mind taking a few seconds out of their porcine imitations to say a few words of grace.”
“Major Houlihan!” Farther Mulcahy exclaimed. “I’m shocked that you could think so little of your fellow soldiers. “I’ll see you in confession tonight.”
“But, I was only making a joke.” The straight-laced army major stood up as the camp’s chaplain left to sit at another table. She sat back down and began to finish off the remains of her own lunch, while feeling two dozen sets of eyes staring at her.


“This is Colonel Blake’s office.” Radar said as he opened the door. “If you’d like to follow me.”
“Of course, after you.” The Doctor had to duck slightly as the doorframe had not been designed with any thought for practical use.
“Hey, I can’t see any nurses.” Haana complained to Jean-Marc. “I want to see some nurses.”
“I’m sure they’re busy somewhere.” Jean-Marc said casually. “Or maybe they heard you were coming and they all left to go somewhere else.”
“If they’re working then they’ll be all sweaty and needing a shower. Do you see any showers around here? I can be waiting in the showers for one of them to fall into my loving embrace and we’ll kiss and she’ll be in love with me forever.”
“Haana, you have got to stop thinking of the end before you even meet these poor unfortunate women you’re intent of stalking. You’re drooling by the way.”
“Am I?” Haana wiped her mouth on the sleeve of her cardigan. “Great now you’ve ruined my lipstick.” She pulled out her emergency lipstick and began to reapply the Prydonian orange shade to her lips.
“Colonel Blake, sir. I’ve found Dr Smith, only she’s a she sir and not a he.”
“Hello.” The Doctor extended her hand. “I’m Dr Jane Smith although Doctor will do fine as I’m her under the auspices of the United Nations and not the United States Army.”
“Well we must have had a mix-up in communications Doctor.” Colonel Blake apologised. “We’ve already allocated you a billet with two other male surgeons.”
“Under the circumstances it might be better if my aide Jean-Marc were to take that billet. He’s a good lad but he can get underfoot, he needs some time to bond with some guys. Oh and this is Haana Sinclair, she’s a very qualified nurse. I’ve never taken up a position without her to assist me.”
“Well I guess we can put you in quarters with our Senior Nurse Doctor and Miss Sinclair can share with some of the other nurses.”
“Thank you.” Haana said from the bottom of her libido. “Thank you so much.”
“It’s about time we had another surgeon here Doctor, we’ve been understaffed since we lost Duke and we had to recall Hawkeye seconds before he got on an aeroplane back home.” Henry looked at Jean-Marc. “You’ll be sharing a tent with him son and our chief surgeon, Dr MacIntyre. I’m sure you’ll all get on famously. They have a dry martini that goes down very smoothly.”
“Sorry to interrupt sir, but the choppers are a lot closer now.” Radar looked at his commanding officer. “Shall I take Dr Smith to pre-op so she can scrub up for surgery?”
“Radar, I want you to take Dr Smith her to pre-op where she can scrub up for surgery. I’ll be along in a second.”
“Please follow me Dr Smith.” Radar led the new surgeon and her entourage to the pre-op.
“We have to operate on people?” Jean-Marc exclaimed. “With knives and stuff?”
“You won’t have to. You’re the Doctor’s gopher. You get to stay out here where there’s not much blood and guts.”
“That’s ok then.” Jean-Marc sighed with relief.


Haana was appalled at the smell of blood and infected wounds in the operating room. She shuddered every time she saw a scalpel cutting into the skin of a patient and felt like blowing chunks when the Doctor poked around inside some guy’s guts to take out the pieces of shrapnel, which were threatening the young man’s life. Luckily she managed to keep herself together by looking at the pretty nurses and imaging her reward after today’s stint in Shada. “What?” She asked.
“I said pass me a clamp.” The Doctor said. “Look Haana, keep your mind on your task or people are going to die.”
“I’m sorry.” Haana said as she handed the Doctor a clamp. “Why do we have to do all this icky stuff?”
“Sometimes saving lives takes more than just turning up in the nick to time looking gorgeous and saying a few stinging words to an unhinged megalomaniac. Sometimes it’s nasty brutal work standing ankle deep in blood for hours at a time.”
“Nice scalpel work Doctor.” Hawkeye looked down at the Dr Smith’s patient. “This guy is lucky to have someone with your expertise.”
“I’m just glad they got him here in time.”
Hawkeye looked at Dr Smith’s nurse, she seemed quite distracted. In fact she seemed to be checking out the nurses with a look on her face he had seen on Trapper’s face after too many martinis. “You’re not a real nurse are you? That’s ok. Anyone willing to work in this place for more than half an hour and not throw up gets my seal of approval. Just between me and you, I’d turn your attention to the brunette over on Trapper’s table, but not until you’re out of this guy’s guts first.”
Haana nodded. “Yes of course, you’re right.” She knew in her hearts that saving lives had to come first, but the pursuit of a relationship was a close second. Practically interchangeable really if she thought about it.
The Doctor looked at Haana. “We’re finished here, just sew him up and lets get the next one on my table.”
“We have to treat more than one soldier?” Haana asked. “How many more are there?”
“As many boys as they can ferry here sweetheart.” Trapper John replied. “Don’t worry though, we like to party afterwards.”
“I like parties.” Haana’s mood increased sharply at the thought of dancing with the sultry nurse with the come to bed with me right now eyes. “I can get my CD’s from the TARDIS.”
“Compact discs are a terrible anachronism in this era Haana.” The Doctor whispered. “I’ve got some nice gramophone records from this time period somewhere in the ship.”
“I think we’ll stick with my CD player Doctor.” Haana decided. “I’ve got all the latest house mixes. I can be the DJ.”
“No you can not.” The Doctor insisted. “One disturbance in the fabric of reality and they’ll have you in the vaporisation chamber quicker than you can say slow painful death.”
“At least I’ll die in a good cause.” Haana quipped.
“There is never a good cause to die for Haana.” The Doctor grabbed her friend by her cardigan. “Listen to me very carefully, no one dies on my watch, have you got that?”
“Wow, she’s good.” Major Houlihan said to Colonel Blake. “I like her a lot.”
“It’s her nurse you want to be careful of Hot Lips, if she likes you a lot you’ll never get rid of her until she’s found out how you got that nickname and asks for a demonstration.”
Houlihan pulled a sour face. “You mean she’s a homosexual? How disgusting.”
“Now Hot Lips, we’ll have none of that talk in my O.R. Remember she’s a civilian so she can’t be thrown out of the army for it.”
“Maybe not, and more’s the pity.  However, if she so much as touches one of my nurses I’ll see her put up on charges of conspiracy to corrupt the moral fibre of our great nation.”
“We don’t want to upset Dr Smith. She’s a very talented surgeon and fast too. She’s already on her fifth patient and this is only my third and I lost that stomach wound earlier on.”
The Doctor sewed up the wound and let out a sigh of relief. “I’m glad I got that seen to in time. That poor boy was practically dead.”
“You did a great job of saving him.” Haana complimented the Doctor. “Now I’m going to get out of these blood covered clothes and into something in a bathrobe and hit the showers.”
“We can’t leave yet Haana.” The Doctor said. “The others might need help.”
“Fine, you go play Doctor with the men. I’m going to play nurse with the women. I love the physical examination part the best.”
“Stay right there.” The Doctor took hold of Haana’s arm.
“Ow!” Haana squeaked. “You’re hurting me.”
“It’s for your own good young lady.” The Doctor replied. “Don’t get anyone into any trouble, this is a military base, they could put you in jail.”
“I’ve been imprisoned because of my sexuality before Doctor.” Haana reminded the Doctor. “Do you remember the planet Galena? Besides being in a female only prison with lots of sexually frustrated women is one of my more regular fantasies.”

The rest of the camp seemed unimpressive, there were lots of tents and everything seemed flimsy and makeshift. There was nothing to indicate the feeling of home here in this place. Sure people were a long way away from their loved ones but still people nave a habit of making places come alive with all the little things they put into their lives, along with the bigger things like their hopes and dreams and wants and needs.
Jean-Marc felt none of that here until he saw the notice board indicating that this place was a mobile hospital. This place needed to be packed up and moved on at a moment’s notice. The front line was always changing so the place had to move forward and fall back as the front line fluctuated.
However he discovered one this was permanent about this place, the influx of wounded soldiers was a constant drip, drip of injured humanity. As long as the war was being fought and people getting hurt this place would be here. Its surgeons doing their best to fix up the hurt and the crippled, sending home those too injured to fight and returning those lightly wounded back to the front even if they didn’t want to go.
Sometimes the scars were on the inside where no one could see them; scars that one-day could prove just as deadly as a bullet wound to the stomach. In all his thoughts Jean-Marc didn’t notice the Lebanese soldier dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte in front of him.
“Hey watch where you’re going.” Private Klinger said to the youngish boy who had nearly knocked him over. “I a Napoleon Bonaparte, the leader of the mighty French army.”
“Really?” Jean-Marc asked. “You don’t seem to have much of a French accent to me.”
“Well I was raised in Toledo, what do you expect kid?”
“Why are you dressed as Napoleon?” Jean-Marc asked.
“Because I want to get out of this war son. I’m trying to get a section eight declaration of insanity. What do you think? Last week I was Lawrence of Arabia but Major Blake just laughed at me.”
“I’m not sure there is anything mad about comparing yourself to one of the greatest Frenchmen who ever lived.” Jean-Marc replied. “Maybe if you dressed up as Napoleon’s wife you might get somewhere.”
“Interesting.” Private Klinger replied. “I can ask one of the nurses if I can borrow one of her frocks.”
“Whatever you decide to wear, I’m sure it’s a lot less offensive than this nonsense outfit.”
“You’re not Major Blake in disguise are you?” Klinger asked suspiciously. “He’d pull something like this to catch me off guard. Anyway I can’t stop now, I’ve got to get out of this costume and into something pleated.”


The base’s speakers crackled into life once more. “Your attention please, if anyone finds a delivery of midnight blue mascara could they please give it to Major Houlihan at once.”


Haana looked at the Doctor. “I’d like to give it to Major Houlihan, just the once. I’d like to crack the mile thick crust on that icy bitch.”
The Doctor rolled her eyes and started to walk away from her gay companion. “I’m going to wash up and then I’m going to take you back to the TARDIS and lock you inside of it.”
“What?” Haana protested. “You can’t do that to me.” She knew that the Doctor could do what she said but she was confident enough in her abilities to escape such a prison mere seconds later. The Doctor was trying to warn her, in the Doctor’s usual clumsy and aggressive manner. Underneath all her feminine pleasantries lay over two thousand years worth of experience of someone who always got their own way.
“Just try to control yourself ok?” The Doctor asked Haana. It was bad enough when her hormones got the better of her instincts but there were times that Haana seemed to conveniently forget the rights and privileges of everyone else in the galaxy. Usually the women she tried to seduce with her ham-fisted come-ons and appallingly lewd chat up lines. “Don’t do anything you’ll regret, or more realistically don’t do anything that I’ll make you regret.”
“Ok, ok.” Haana agreed. “Sheesh, who appointed you moral guardian of the Universe anyway? It’s not like I’m going to kill anyone or stuff like that. I’ve never made out with anyone who hasn’t wanted me to. Ok, there was that nun but she wasn’t wearing her penguin outfit. How can any woman give me the eye like that sexy little minx and then tell me she’s a nun when I’m taking her bra off? It’s not right is it?”
“Haana, if you’d taken notice of where she was living you’d have discovered that she was living in a convent. You were too intent on discovering her biology to notice anything else. At least she made something of herself after they evicted her from the convent. Although why you made me watch every instalment of that television programme I’ll never know.”
Haana frowned. “Well I liked it. Now where are the showers? I badly need to get the blood of a dozen men out of my pores.”
“I think it’s this way.” The Doctor pointed towards a large plain looking tent. “Drat, it’s been allocated to the guys first. Looks like we’ll have to wait. At least that gives us some time to find herbal shampoo and a nice pumice stone. I really need a good skin scrub.”
“At least you always have great hair.” Haana complimented the Doctor. “My hair looks rubbish if I let it grow too long. Mom was always telling me off for getting it cut short but better neat than looking like a pile of dyed brown straw.”
“Have you tried papyrus extract?” The Doctor asked. “Romana took us all over ancient Egypt looking for some once after K-9 splashed her hair with tomato ketchup.”
“Oh my.” Haana exclaimed. “Was she able to get it out of her hair?”
“Yes, but we didn’t have anymore ketchup for the fish suppers. Luckily though there was HP in the cupboard and K-9 was left in the console room until we’d finished eating.”
“Still, ketchup on fish and chips that’s totally gross. I much prefer a slice of lemon and a big thick and creamy dollop of horseradish sauce.”
“Each to her own tastes.” The Doctor agreed. “I really hate lemon, although several of my earlier selves liked it, especially my third me.”
“You mean I might not like horseradish sauce in my next incarnation?” Haana was very concerned. If her taste in food could be altered so radically then her sexuality might also be changed and that thought was not something she ever wanted to think about.
“Regeneration is never predictable Haana.” The Doctor slipped into lecture mode. “For three me’s running I really liked cricket and then suddenly I hated the sport and much preferred a nice game of chess.”
“Anyway, enough of this idle chatter lets get some essential supplies and some dressing gowns too.”
“And the loo.” Haana added. “I really need to pee. I haven’t gone for nearly three weeks and we’ve drank a lot of tea since then.”
“I think they call them latrines in the army.” The Doctor said to her chum who now seemed to be standing cross-legged. “Oh look, there’s Jean-Marc with a man in a dress.”
“I know he’s never been with a girl before, but how desperate is he? You don’t think I’ll ever get that bad do you? When you said I’d chase anyone in a skirt you weren’t thinking of this? Oh my giddy aunt, I’m only going to date women who I know are women and definitely gay from now on.”
“Well I guess that’s a step in the right direction.” The Doctor muttered to herself. “Hey, Jean-Marc, who’s your new friend?”
“Oh, hi Doctor.” Jean-Marc walked over to where his friend and Haana were standing. “This is Private Klinger, I’m trying to help him get a section eight so he can leave the army.”
“Ssssh, not so loud kid, they could rumble me.”
“He doesn’t look anything like a woman.” Haana said to Jean-Marc. “He looks like a guy in a dress.”
“Yes, that is the genius of the idea. If Private Klinger actually pretends to be a woman then they could think that he’s sane or something. This way he has a much better chance.”
“I’ve got some make up he can borrow.” The Doctor produced a nearly used up lipstick. “It’s not really his colour but it would compliment that outfit.”
“I’ve got some blusher, it’ll make his cheeks really stand out.” Haana took out her small portable makeup bag. “I know I’ve got a curling iron in here somewhere.” The bag was dimensionally transcendental, so she could get much more gear inside of it than into a regular bag. “Hold this hand dryer will you Doctor?” Haana took out some tampons, a Draconian scale polisher, several dozen bottles of nail varnish and a large collection of hairclips and hairbrushes. “Hey look, I’ve got some bathrobes in here.” She handed the purple and red silk one to the Doctor while keeping the soft pink one with the delicate white lacy trim for her own use. “I’ve got shampoo too.”
“Lets go and get showered then.” The Doctor pointed towards the shower tent, which had just become a female’s only place.
“Just what the Doctor ordered.” Haana smiled. “So do you think it will be communal or separate units?”
“I hope its separate units.” The Doctor said.
“Oh, I was really hoping today would get better. What’s the point of showering together if none of the other women can check me out?”
“Privacy I expect. The army is a stickler for ritual and tradition.”
“It’s not fair, school was way better for ogling the naked chicks.”
The Doctor entered the shower area and discovered that it was indeed made up of numerous cubicles, although each cubicle seemed rather low cut. Everything from the breasts up was on view.
“Well this isn’t so bad.” Haana easily found the best of the great situation. She removed her clothes and stepped into her cubicle. The water wasn’t very warm but it felt good against her skin and soon she had a good lather going. She looked across at all the other women, checking them out to see who was also checking her out. She knew the Doctor wouldn’t approve but the Doctor was rather frigid towards the whole dating thing where as she was quite hot and excited about finding a woman she could love and be loved by. She looked across at the nurse Trapper had pointed out to her. She was very pretty and she was obviously gawping at her breasts. She imagined kissing her, holding her in her arms and pressing her lips to hers. She wanted to make love to her right here and now but she sublimated her sexual appetites for the moment. The moment would come, she was sure of it, and then so would she.

Jean-Marc tried to ignore the loudspeakers; they were very loud when they churned forth their garbled messages. He tried to ignore the message but could not.
“Your attention please, would all personnel gather in the mess hall at seventeen hundred hours for the welcoming party for Dr Jane Smith of Britain. That is all.”
So there was going to be a party, he hoped that it wouldn’t be an excuse for lots of heavy drinking and gambling. Not that he was opposed to people drinking and having a good time, but still drinking to excess was never a good thing. He was especially worried about Haana, after only half a pint of weak shandy she would be twirling a bra above her head…either that of the girl she had hooked up with or her own to try and attract a suitable girl to hook up with. With some trepidation he entered the mess hall to find that he was the only one there, apart from an overweight nurse eating what looked like a sausage in a bun.
“Oh great.” Melissa got slowly to her feet. “I was beginning to think that this was another one of Hawkeye’s practical jokes. There’s lots of food if you want something to eat. I’m Melissa by the way, Melissa Furrows. So you’re Dr Smith’s aide are you? I have to say all the girls are impressed by her abilities.”
“Well the Doctor likes to put on a show to impress people.” Wasn’t that the truth? Sometimes he wondered if the Doctor used to be one of those people who talked people into doing crazy things to appear on television. She could talk just about anyone into doing just about anything, she had once persuaded a drug dealer to turn himself into the police with a smile on his face and a song on his lips. Of course she hadn’t been so happy to hear that the police had beaten the dealer up because one of the policewoman’s sons had nearly died of an overdose. “I’m Jean-Marc, it’s nice to meet you Melissa.”
“It’s nice to meet you too Jean-Marc. That’s a French name isn’t it? I started studying French before I was drafted over here. The military were sponsoring me you see and they said I could either come here and return to an education or have nothing and let my country down.”
“That was not a nice thing I think.” Jean-Marc’s hand brushed lightly against Melissa’s hand. “I could teach you some of my native tongue if you like.”
“I would like that a lot.” Melissa replied softly.
“Me too.” Jean-Marc took hold of Melissa’s hand and then not quite sure what to do he softly kissed the back of it.
“Oooh, somebody’s got a girlfriend Doctor.” Haana pointed at Jean-Marc and the slightly overweight but still attractive in the right lighting nurse.
“Don’t point Haana, it’s rude.” The Doctor wandered over to the table of nibbles and selected one at random. “You can point at this though, it’s ruder to call this selection of grotesque inedibles food.”
“At least one of us has scored.” Haana tried to be happy for Jean-Marc but not too happy. “Does he have any condoms? Do you think I should go and get him some?”
The Doctor took hold of Haana’s wrist. “Stay right where you are Haana. I won’t have you showing Jean-Marc up just because you’re feeling jealous.”
“What if they don’t use precautions? I thought you were all high and mighty on the no interference thing.” True she wanted to interfere quite sexually with a woman, but at least neither of them were going to get pregnant as a result. Just one more benefit of a queer lifestyle. She’d had a baby once and while she’s loved the baby, she hadn’t liked the pain at all. “Seems to me your principles are looser than my virtue Doctor.”
“Hardly, I know I can trust Jean-Marc to be a perfect gentleman. I wouldn’t trust you anywhere any where near as much as I trust Jean-Marc.”
Haana pouted, why couldn’t the Doctor trust her? She never went out of her way to hurt anyone or risk getting them pregnant. She was a much nicer person than that boy and she looked prettier too. “I hate you.” She stormed out of the tent in a rage.
“I’m sorry Haana.” The Doctor apologised but she was too late. She winced as the door slammed closed so hard it fell apart before it hit the ground. She turned to see Jean-Marc and his lady friend looking at her. “Don’t mind me, kiss her hand again Jean-Marc it was terribly romantic.” Taking a big hint from the look on her companion’s face the Doctor turned around to leave, only to be confronted by the happy faces of her new fellow surgeons.
“You!” Trapper exclaimed. “You’re the best surgeon here. If only you were stationed here permanently, I’d gladly let you have the honour of being the chief surgeon here.”
“Well she can be the honouree chief surgeon and rule over us all in Trapper’s name your majesty.” Hawkeye suggested. “Martini’s all round for the queen of the 4077th.”
“I don’t drink.” The Doctor said but found a glass of strong smelling alcohol in her hand none-the-less. “Well one glass won’t kill me and I used to be fond of a good sherry you know.” She reluctantly swallowed the dry martini. “Well it’s not as bad as some I’ve endured. If I was feeling quite charitable I’d call it a cut above the average paint stripper cocktail I was expecting.”


Haana wandered though the darkening ‘streets’ of the camp. Streets was a very polite term for the ramshackle mud paths that connected the haphazard collection of tents. She was searching for the tent she had been allocated so that she could get an early night and try to forget about the unpleasant things the Doctor had said to her.
“Excuse me.” Vicky Townsend said to the sad looking girl she spotted earlier in the O.R. “Are you Haana?”
“Yes, I’m Haana.” Haana mumbled a reply to the ebony skinned nurse. “Am I under arrest for something?”
“Only for being so pretty girl.” Vicky rushed over to where Haana was standing. “I’ve never been with a white girl before. I know you’re like me. You like me don’t you?”
Haana nodded. “Yes, but everyone hates me for who I am. Even the Doctor doesn’t like me being with other women. I only think she puts up with me out of pity, I really hate that.”
“I’m Vicky and I don’t hate you.” Vicky said carefully. “What’s the matter, don’t you smile girl?”
Haana couldn’t help but smile at Vicky’s remark. “Ok, so do you have any idea where I’m supposed to be? I know it’s one of these tents.”
“Don’t bother yourself with that honey, you can come back to my tent. All the other girls are at that party for your boss anyway. We’ll be all alone for best part of the night.”
Haana let Vicky take her arm and escort her back to her place. She felt like a proper woman for the first time in ages. “Isn’t it illegal to be what we are and in the military?” Haana asked.
“You’re ok girl, you’re a civilian. Me, well they can’t afford to send my ass to jail or throw me out of the army. Nurses are in short supply around here, most they could do is move me someplace else. That’s not so bad, no one else here is halfway as pretty as you sugar.”
Haana couldn’t help but giggle as Vicky chatted her up. She wanted to take notes on her technique and delivery but to be honest she was more interested in their first kiss. Her first ever kiss was with Maria, aka the bitch who screwed her and then screwed her over by stealing all her things. However since then she had learned to appreciate every first kiss and determine how quickly they should proceed to the naked part with all the nervous sweating and tingly orgasming screaming. “It’s not like we tell them what they do is totally gross and disgusting is it? We could be all 'urgh that’s gross' and 'don’t do that it’s offensive to gays' and more stuff like that too. But no, we have to set the higher example, we have to take the moral high ground because we’re a minority group.”
“At least you don’t have half the base calling you monkey girl and the other half calling you a nigger bitch.” Vicky said to the lily-white girl.
“Hey, I’m not a racist.” Haana protested. She was against discrimination of any sort on general purposes and with specific reasons too. “What if I was to tell you that in fifty years racial hatred would not only be a crime but as detested and abhorred as crimes such as rape and murder? I’ve seen the Promised Land sister, I’ve been to Zion, I’ve had sex with other women and I’m proud to say, so what it’s who I am and it’s not a crime.”
“You sound like my cousin, he’s still in high school right now but all he talks about is this dream he had. I’ve got one of his postcards he sent me somewhere in my footlocker. I’m going to right to Martin and tell him that maybe his dream is not so impossible after all.”
“Great.” Haana enthused and tried to ignore the feeling that she had just altered her planet’s past a bit. “Now kiss me already.” The kiss, wow the kiss. What a kiss. Their lips melt, soft and eager. Their tongues touched and it felt like lighting. They held each other in their arms and felt each other up in all the good places. They broke their lips apart and looked deep into each other’s eyes, into each other’s souls. Haana felt a connection to this girl, deeper and more profound than love. She felt like she was kissing Claire all over again.
Vicky looked at Haana. “What is it girl? What’s up with you?”
“Nothing.” She couldn’t tell her the kiss reminded her of her ex. That was gross and really weird and totally gross. She couldn’t hurt Vicky like that. “I think I’m falling in love with you.” She kissed Vicky again and this time it felt even better.


The Doctor knocked back another one of the nice drinkies and wished she could sing a couple of ABBA songs loudly but the first law of time was preventing her from doing so, or was it the second law? Not to worry, she could still sing along with the cute guys. “So this is a perty is it?” She ignored the fact she was slurring most of her words and getting the others ones wrong. “It’s a great perty. I think I might have had too much to drink, but I don’t care anymore. Bring me men, I want to see men.” She looked across at Radar. “You there, the timid brunette with the glasses. Let me see your naked chest. I want to see nupples muster.” The Doctor readjusted her plastic tiara while she waited for the corporal to remove his shirt. “I need another drinky, someone get me another drunky.”
Mercifully for Radar the Doctor passed out so he quickly buttoned his shirt back up. “I’d better get back to the radio, I don’t want to miss anything important.”
“You do that son.” Henry put a fatherly shoulder on Radar’s shoulders. “I’ll get Hot Lips to take Dr Smith back to their tent.”
“Why do I have to take care of her?” Hot Lips protested.
“Well she’s your roommate, she’s a woman and you’re a senior officer on the base. I trust you to carryout this task with professional acumen and besides do you trust Hawkeye?”
“Good point sir.” Hot Lips couldn’t trust Hawkeye as far as she could spit on him.
Jean-Marc saw the senior nurse struggling to carry the Doctor’s unconscious figure out of the tent. He wanted to help, really he did, but Melissa seemed more interesting and maybe they could kiss any time now.
“If my husband saw us now, he’d really go crazy. He’s a heavyweight boxer you know. We have two children, twin girls.” Melissa took out the pictures of her babies. Even though they were both seven now they were still her babies. “That’s Ruth and that’s Paula.”
“That’s…erm…nice.” Jean-Marc realised that nothing could happen here. There was no way he was going to risk breaking up a family, no way was he going to do that. “You must excuse me, I’d better help that Major carry the Doctor back to their tent.”
“Ah there you are, your friend is surprisingly heavy.” Hot Lips let Dr Smith’s aide take half of the dead weight. “Does she often get like this?"
“Not really, she’s never touched alcohol for as long as I’ve known her. She mainly drinks tea and eats chocolate biscuits.” Jean-Marc helped carry the Doctor back to the tent and once inside he placed a bucket near her head. “It’s Haana who’s usually the worse for wear, she gets wrecked on half a pint of weak shandy but the Doctor’s never had a drink, well ever. Will she be ok?”
“She just needs to sleep it off, she’ll have a major hangover in the morning. You should leave now and get some sleep.”
“Of course, good night Major.” Jean-Marc left the Doctor in the care of Hot Lips. He hoped she would be ok in the morning, he knew how crabby Haana could be and the thought of the Doctor like that was not a good thought. His own quarters were with the two nice American surgeons, they both seemed pleasant enough to be around and he hoped that they didn’t snore or feel the same way about guys as Haana did about girls.

Haana’s eyes opened slowly and as they quickly got used to the dim twilight of the room she felt a warm body move slightly next to her own and an arm was draped across her stomach. She remembered the previous night, the closeness of two people trying to find love in the middle of a war, the rush of excitement as the hugged and tickled each other, the sticky sweet ecstasy of joy as they undressed and began to bond on an intimate level and the dizzy afterglow as they held each other and fell asleep together. She didn’t want to leave this place ever, she knew she would have to but right here and now she was content to be with someone she loved and was loved by.
Reluctantly she knew she would have to get up, get dressed and find the Doctor. She knew she would be breaking Vicky’s heart by leaving so soon after they had found each other, she didn’t want to go. She could die here in the middle of this war but as long as they were together it didn’t matter. Vicky’s eyes opened and she smiled at her. “Hello gorgeous, I didn’t want to wake you up, you looked like an angel sleeping there.”
Vicky groaned insensibly. “You have to leave, last night was great but I can’t afford to get attached, girl. You’ll be gone in a few days and I don’t want to fall anymore in love with you than I already have done. We can’t do this to each other, this war is not the place to form attachments, I’m so sorry sugar.”
“I don’t want to lose you now that I’ve found you.” Haana kissed Vicky who eagerly returned the kiss. “Can’t we have today just for us? You’re so yummy I could cover your with honey and eat you up with a spoon. Forget the spoon, I’ll make do.”
“I want there to be an us too.” Vicky replied. “You know some stuff that shouldn’t be legal but felt so damn good. “There can’t be an us though sweetheart, I’m sorry.”
“Well then we’d better make this a goodbye kiss.” Haana embraced Vicky for one last time; tears were rolling down her cheeks as they gave themselves over totally to the other. However they parted and Haana got out of their shared bed. “How did my panties get all the way over there?” She retrieved her underwear and quickly pulled the high cut garment up to her hips. “Once this war’s over, why don’t I look you up and give you a call?”
“I’d like that a lot.” Vicky scrawled her parent’s address and telephone number into Haana’s little black book. “Stay safe girl.”
Haana nodded. “Keep your head down, when the bombs explode near here I mean.” Vicky had certainly been keeping her head down last night. “I’ll miss you Vicky.” She left the young black nurse to get ready for her shift and went in search of the Doctor and Jean-Marc.


Jean-Marc opened his eyes as cold water dripped down on his face. “Hey, cut that out.” He turned over and tried to go back to sleep. However someone started kicking him. “Hey, I’m trying to sleep.” This was responded to by a large bucketful of water being tipped over his head. “Right, that’s it.” Jean-Marc jumped up to his feet, intent on hurting his fists on the practical joker’s jawbone.
“At last.” Haana complained. “I thought you’d never wake up.” She passed Jean-Marc his trousers. “You should put these on, nice boxer shorts by the way.”
“Go to hell Haana.” Jean-Marc cursed as he started to get dressed. “I was having a nice dream. My parents were still alive.”
“I’m so sorry.” Haana apologised. She knew that Jean-Marc’s parents had been transformed into Daleks and she had helped rescue him from the Daleks when he had been forced to turn to crime to feed himself. “We’d better find the Doctor and get out of here. Hey what happened to your girlfriend?”
“She wasn’t my girlfriend.” Jean-Marc replied. “She’s already married with a couple of kids. The only reason she isn’t with them now is that your army drafted her. That’s not very nice in my book.”
“Oh well, never mind.” Haana hugged Jean-Marc who was like a sort of adopted little brother to her. “I’m sure you’ll find someone special someday. We should find the Doctor and get out of here. I think we’ve done enough work here.”
“Ah, well that might not be so easy.” Jean-Marc scratched the back of his neck in a guilty way. “You see the Doctor had a little too much to drink last night. Those two sleeping people got her to drink pure Martini’s. I had to help that nurse Hot Lips carry the Doctor back to her bed. She was out of it, really out of it.”
“You let the Doctor drink alcohol?” Haana hit Jean-Marc’s arm. “You know how sensitive we are to that stuff. Goodness sake Jean-Marc, one half pint of shandy and I turn into this months centrefold for shameless gay sluts. How could you let it happen?”
Jean-Marc stuttered. “I…I…I…I couldn’t stop her.”
“How many drinks did she have?”
“Three.” Jean-Marc replied. “She passed out before she could manage the fourth.”
Haana hit Jean-Marc again for being so useless. “Come on, we’d better find the Doctor and detox her system. If anything has happened to her it’s your fault.”
“Hey, she’s a grown woman.” Jean-Marc replied. “She’s old enough to look after herself.”
“Would you keep the noise down there?” Hawkeye muttered still half insensible.
“Sorry.” Jean-Marc replied. “Come on, you can yell at me outside if you want to.”
“Sounds good to me.” Haana hissed. “I’ve still got some choice insults I’ve been saving for a situation like this.”
Jean-Marc and Haana emerged from The Swamp to see the Doctor walking past them wearing her bathrobe and her hair up in a towel.
“Good morning you two.” The Doctor said to her dearest chums. “Up at last I see. It’s almost six o’clock. The showers are unisex until revalee. You should hurry up Haana, it’s guys only after then.”
“I’m fine Doctor.” Haana replied. “I can shower in the TARDIS.”
“The TARDIS is a good half an hour away.” The Doctor replied. “We’ve got lots of lives to save yet.”
“We want to leave Doctor.” Haana said earnestly. “The real Dr Smith could arrive here any second now and besides if I say here any longer I’m really going to get my hearts broken.”
“It is true, I do not wish to stay here either. I am not liking all this injuring of healthy people. Surgeons should only need to operate on ill people, this place is all wrong I am thinking. Healthy people should not need to come here. Besides how many people can we save here, compared to out there in the stars? This place is not what we should be doing, it is a folly, a thing made to do that which should not be done.”
“Ok, I can take a hint you two. However there’s only one complication, there’s helicopters on their way here with wounded. Haana get to pre-op and have everything waiting for me. Jean-Marc, wake those two sleeping beauties up and get them ready.” She watched her two companions spring into action before she removed her bathrobe to reveal her bright pink silk suit underneath. “I just hope this stuff dry cleans.”


The O.R. was just as awful as yesterday. Haana tried to ignore the stink of sweat and infection as she helped the Doctor pull shrapnel out of bodies, stop bleeding and save limbs that would otherwise have needed amputation. She knew a lot of basic biology, which organs were which and what they did but there was no way she knew enough to attempt what the Doctor was doing. She recoiled as blood splattered up at her face before using the suction tool to clear up the site where the blood was spurting from so that the Doctor could suture it up in time.
The Doctor looked across at Haana. “How are you coping?”
“Fine Doctor.” Haana replied automatically.
“Not about this, there’s no way anyone can cope with this. Best just to forget about it once they’re sewn up and saved. I mean how are you coping with your friend over there with Hawkeye. You want to be with her don’t you?”
“No.” Haana replied. “Yes, maybe. I know what I want but it’s not what’s practical right now. Maybe one day if we comeback this way and the war’s over but this is where she wants to be, this is where she can do some good. This isn’t where I belong, I’m still a student remember? Sure I’m on a bit of a sabbatical since I burned down part of the halls of residence but one day I’ll return there. Right now my place is with you, helping to save lives, do some shopping and right a few wrongs out there in the stars. I don’t think I could stand to be confined to just one planet and just one time. I can’t go back to the life I used to lead, not now. No matter how great she is in bed, it’s not what I want anymore.”
The Doctor nodded. “I know what you mean, not about the bit involving your love life, but the lifestyle. You’ve grown as a person so much Haana; you’re not the timid girl who was too scared to walk on an alien planet anymore. You’re a determined, intelligent and amiable young woman and one day you’ll find what you’ve been looking for without knowing what it is you seek.”
“I know what I want Doctor.” Haana sighed. “I want Claire back, I want her never to have died, I want to hold her and hug her and tell her I’ll never let her go.”
“I know Haana.” The Doctor replied. “I wish she was still with us. The lives we lead are like nothing anyone else leads. No one else does what we do but sometimes things go wrong. I’ve lost too many good friends Haana, I resent it but I have to accept it because I know that their lives had purpose and that they died because of me. I know it’s dangerous, I’ve died twelve times myself, but losing a dear friend hurts a lot more than words can express. If there was a way to save her I would have taken it, the Time Lords be damned, but there are some laws that not even I can break.”


Jean-Marc stiffened up as a tall man with silver hair and a large nose walked towards him.
“Excuse me son, I’m looking for the office of a Colonel Blake. I’m Dr John Smith, I’m your new surgeon.”
“Colonel Blake’s office is over that way.” Jean-Marc gave the surgeon the directions that would take him out of the way.
“Thank you son.” Dr Smith set off in the direction the young French boy had given him.
“Sacre Bleu!” Jean-Marc said loudly. “I must tell the Doctor at once.”
“Tell me what?” The Doctor asked, as she emerged from post-op still dressed in her surgical whites.
“The real Dr Smith just turned up. I sent him the long way to Colonel Blake’s office.”
“Smart thinking there.” Haana said with genuine praise.
“Oh well, at least I saved some brave young men.” The Doctor headed back into post-op and emerged seconds later back in her bright pink silk suit. “Come on then, don’t dawdle Haana.”
Haana waved to Vicky and blew her a kiss when no-one else was looking, after all she didn’t want to out the poor girl when she needed to stay firmly in the closet or risk losing her friends and position. She caught up with the Doctor and Jean-Marc. “I miss her already, she has a tongue like an electric eel and she loves the taste of a woman’s tonsils.”


Hawkeye and Trapper watched as the enigmatic Dr Smith and her two companions left the base.
“I wonder where they’re going to.” Trapper asked.
“I don’t know, but I know they’re not coming back.” Hawkeye turned away. “Want to see if we can see Hot Lips naked again?
“Sure.” Trapper agreed. “Sounds good to me, I’ve got nothing else in my diary for today. I guess I can fit her into my schedule, we may as well get some Martini’s too.”
“A man with a plan, I like that a lot.” Hawkeye smiled. “Maybe we can get Father Mulcahy to bless the event?”
"Maybe, tell me again how he got the nickname Dago Red."