OUT WITH THE OLD

Inside the Doctor’s massive beach house loud music pumped out of the hi-fi system, filling it with a huge roar of noise. Jean-Marc looked across the expanse of the living room at his beautiful girlfriend Penny. “Isn’t this great? Just you, me and one hundred decibels of music?”
Penny nodded. “Yeah, no Doctor to spoil our fun.”
“Ahem.” The Doctor coughed exaggeratingly and turned the music down to an acceptable level. “I know I was over three hundred metres away surfboarding but I could hear every misplayed note of this noise. I’m not running a disco, this is a home so could you please treat it as such hmmm?”
“Sorry Doctor.” Jean-Marc apologised.
“I’m not.” Penny snapped. “We’re young, carefree and wild. We have a right to be young and not two twenty year old OAP’s.”
“I see.” The Doctor said slowly. “I’m in your way. Well then I guess I’ll go then” She left the house and headed back down to the beach.
“You’ve really done it now.” Jean-Marc said to Penny. “You know how upset she gets when she can’t get her own way.”
“What about us?” Penny asked. “We need time for ourselves, we need room for our relationship to grow and blossom. Frankly having the Doctor around cramps my style when I want to, well when I want to be with you.”
“The Doctor means well and you two get on so well, I’ve never seen you like this before. I thought I was the insecure one in this relationship.” Jean-Marc hugged Penny and kissed her on the temple, then her ear and finally her mouth. “It’ll be fine.”


“Treat me as a convenience.” The Doctor muttered as she stalked back down the beach with her surfboard tucked under her left arm. “Only good for making the tea and taking them to all the theme parks in the cosmos.” She spotted her bike-riding friend Bobby on the beach sunbathing. “Hello there. You shouldn’t be out here, you’ll get cancer from the suns rays.”
“Hello Doctor.” Bobby looked up at the troubled fruit basket in female form. “Long time no see.”
“I’ve been away.” The Doctor replied. “A few things cropped up, you know how it is. One minute you’re rescuing a British celebrity from a right wing fascist conspiracy within a multi-nation armed peacekeeping force and the next you’re involved in a conspiracy to correct the course of future human history thanks to a bit of comical blundering by two amateur time travellers and even one of my other me’s wasn’t all that much of a help. Sure he stopped time from destabilising and saved the cosmos but I made the tea and defeated the Master. I’ve put a lot of work into that over the years let me tell you, he has this cute little twinkle in his eyes when he looks at me and you don’t want to hear the rest of that. If it weren’t for me this planet would have been invaded by at least ninety-seven different species, many of them more than once. I think they think it’s some kind of strategic stronghold to launch major offensives against their arch-foes from. Do you have any family here at all?”
Bobby looked at the odd British woman who was a lot more ditzy than she seemed. “No, we parted ways a long time ago, they all live on the other side of the country in Boston.”
“I have a friend in Boston.” The Doctor stated for the record. “So how are you at dealing with six armed one-eyed green skinned aliens that look sort of like a huge cucumber?”
“Why?” Bobby asked the Doctor. “Is someone following you?”
“No, no. I just want to know how you’d react under extreme circumstances, especially the unknown.”
“Well if he’s a gun toting psycho I’d have to find the biggest gun I could find and persuade him to surrender but if he’s just after a chat and a cup of tea I’ll leave him to you. That seems to be your speciality.”
“Very good.” The Doctor pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket. “Now you’ve just made yourself a cup of tea. Have you a) made one for me too, b) already made me one and this one’s just for yourself while I’m distracted or c) put the kettle back on to boil as you didn’t have enough water for two cups and you thought I’d prefer a nice cup of really hot tea?”
“Erm.” Bobby scratched his head. “I wouldn’t make myself a cup of tea, I’d only make one for you.”
“Excellent.” The Doctor put a big tick next to the question. “Now how would you feel about knowing the terrible future Earth has to face? Would you be tempted to travel back in time and meddle in affairs to achieve a satisfactory alternative future?”
“I don’t think I’d want to get involved in any of that. It should be left to the experts.” Bobby didn’t know whether to take the Doctor seriously or just play along with her delusions.
“Ah wisdom in one so cute, I mean young. Can you put something on over your naked, oily, muscular chest? It’s very distracting you know. Take your time, though.” She waited until he pulled a skimpy little bodybuilders vest on over his beautiful bronzed skin. “Now how soon can you get all your stuff together? I’ve only got a couple of things to do and then we can be off.”
“Are you coming onto me?” Bobby asked the eccentric English woman.
“No, no. Just offering you a job. You will take it won’t you? Saving the Universe is a big responsibility and often quite thankless too.” The Doctor scampered back up the beach towards the house. “I’ve just got a letter to write, I think they’re old enough to leave the nest now. There we are, all done.” The Doctor put the seventeen page letter on the coffee table along with all the documents giving Jean-Marc and Penny new identities as US citizens, well she didn’t want the poor dears thrown out of this lovely house. “Now then, lets get you moved into the TARDIS. Is that everything you own?” The Doctor looked at the small bag Bobby was holding.
 “I have the bike as well.” Bobby replied. “Everything else is attached to that.”
 “Well then, there’s no time like the present.” The Doctor pointed along the beachfront to a small blue box. “That’s home from now on. Don’t worry, there’s enough room inside for everyone.”
Bobby looked at the small shed like box. “That’s a state of the art time machine? I don’t believe it.”
The Doctor opened the TARDIS doors and ushered her new companion inside. “See, what did I tell you?”
Bobby rushed outside. “I don’t believe it! That’s a state of the art time machine!” He started to run down the beach but the Doctor rugby tackled him before he could get away.
“Come on Bobby, it’s perfectly safe. As long as you’re not exterminated by a Dalek, turned into a Cyberman or used for illegal experiments by a Sontaran.” The Doctor picked her tall friend up and led him back inside the TARDIS. “This is a type 40 TARDIS. It can go anywhere and anywhen you want. Why don’t we start off somewhere nice and tame hmmm?” She closed the doors and began to program the flight computer. “I know just the place, planet of the sixties throwbacks. It’s very relaxing and stress free. Why don’t we get you settled into your room while we travel there hmmm?”


Penny cautiously made her way downstairs, thinking that she had heard something. “Doctor? Are you back?” There was no reply so she tiptoed further down the stairs and then she saw the note on top of the coffee table. “Oh my.” She gasped when she read it. “She’s gone, she’s left us. Jean-Marc get down here right now!” She shouted up the stairs. “It’s important.”
Jean-Marc cautiously crept down the stairs. “What is it?”
“It’s the Doctor, she’s left. She’s given us the house and a bank account in our names. We’re on our own, we’re a real couple at last.”
 “Did she say where she’s going?” Jean-Marc asked.
 “She just says she’s coming out of retirement and this time she’s not going to take any nonsense from the Universe.” Penny picked up the naturalisation documents. “I’m a US citizen and so are you. The Doctor wanted to make sure we didn’t get chucked out of the house by the authorities.”


“They’re awfully young.” Bobby said to the Doctor as she showed him around his room inside the weird time machine. “Aren’t you worried about them?”
 “Of course, they’re very dear to me, but I know that together they can cope with anything. No matter what adversity they face they can get through it, they’ll support each other and help each other through the good times and the not so good times. I’ve helped them all I can now I have to let them get on with it themselves. Sure they’ll make mistakes but they’ll learn from them and they’ll do great things. What else could I want for them?”
Bobby put a comforting hand on the Doctors shoulder. “Sounds to me like you miss them a whole lot more than you realise. Maybe we should drop in a visit them down the road aways?”
The Doctor nodded slowly. “Perhaps, but for now they need to start living their own lives while we have our own to lead.”
 “Well then, lets get to it then, you did mention that we have a lot of evil to fight didn’t you?”
 “Yes, A Universe of chaos and villainy and only the two of us to clean it up. I just hope you don’t scare too easily.” The Doctor smiled and laughed. “You get settled in here and I’ll go and put the kettle on for a nice welcoming cup of tea.” The Doctor made it out of Bobby’s room just in time to avoid seeing his well-chiselled pectorals again, almost. Much more of this and her libido may almost reach as high as that of a ninety year-old nun who’d been raised in a female only environment and had never even heard of men. But it was too late to consider a religious life now, she had a new companion to train up and the very first thing would be to get some proper attire onto him.

IN WITH THE NEW

“Well then, lets get to it then, you did mention that we have a lot of evil to fight didn’t you?”
“Yes, A Universe of chaos and villainy and only the two of us to clean it up. I just hope you don’t scare too easily.” The Doctor smiled and laughed. “You get settled in here and I’ll go and put the kettle on for a nice welcoming cup of tea.” The Doctor made it out of Bobby’s room just in time to avoid seeing his well-chiselled pectorals again, almost. Much more of this and her libido may almost reach as high as that of a ninety year-old nun who’d been raised in a female only environment and had never even heard of men. But it was too late to consider a religious life now, she had a new companion to train up and the very first thing would be to get some proper attire onto him.
Bobby flopped down onto the single bed, testing its strength. He was not particularly bulky but he was an avid body builder when he wasn’t out on the roads, well you needed a buff body to help control the bike at high speeds. The Doctor was rather puzzling to him though. On the one hand she seemed just like one of the guys, she acted and spoke just like a guy would from time to time but at other times she was like a hyper version of his kid sister, like a nervous breakdown waiting to happen but never quite getting there. Talk about stressed out; the Doctor was like a bright pink comet that streaked in and out of a room like woman plus. Maybe she was just being nice to him until they got used to each other? There wasn’t much to unpack, just a few sweatshirts, a pair of crumpled jeans and his leather jacket and pants. These were absolutely vital if you took a spill at seventy, you could get a dozen broken bones but he wouldn’t loose any skin on the highway. One or two scars were acceptable ‘trophies’ but no one wanted to see scars that made you look like a roadmap.
“Tea’s up.” The Doctor called down the corridor to Bobby. “How many lumps do you take?”
Bobby headed out of his room and followed the crazy woman’s voice. “Two please Doctor.”
“Sugar?” The Doctor asked as he found his way to the kitchen.”
“Huh?” Bobby asked.
“Just my little joke.” The Doctor winked. “Old Salyavin may have been over ten thousand years old but he had a razor sharp wit. I suppose I should have a long talk to you, tell you all about myself but I don’t want to depress you or baffle you with all the long turgid intricacies of my so-called life. Instead I thought we could just talk about my three little rules.”
“I’m not to good with rules Doctor, I have a small problem with authority figures and the law.”
“Snap.” The Doctor replied. “Me too, no these are just little things to help us get along much more easily. One, never, ever leave the toilet seat up. You think you know evil and cruelty, well you haven’t seen anything yet. Two, never make a cup of tea without making me one too, even if I’ve already made one. Three, well you’ll see what three is when you come to it.”
“Ok, I’m down with that.” Bobby replied. “The chances of me trying to work a teapot are zero anyway.”
“Well you’re certainly going to get a good education out of our time together then.” The Doctor grinned. “Digestive biscuit? Oh, I think we’ve landed. This doesn’t seem to bode well; we shouldn’t be there for another ten minutes yet. I haven’t discussed my former companions yet, you’ll like them, well some of them. You’ve already met Jean-Marc and Penny haven’t you? Well I know Hannah and Claire have settled down together too and David, he’s Claire’s brother, well he’s now part of a vast culture of cybernetic beings who are being very naughty on the other side of the galaxy. I should pop by one day and have a good long talk with him, her, whatever body he’s using to perpetuate his consciousness this week. It’s my entire fault of course, but I can’t go around destroying whole species just to cover up my mistakes now can I? Speaking of that, I’ll have to introduce you to the Master, he’s my best enemy you know and my ex. I know it was only one date and he’s trying to atone for his mistakes and he’s died more times than a soap opera character but well you know how it is when you have history. I’m talking too much exposition now, listen to me go on and on. I sound like Hannah’s friend Leo after he regenerated into that charming but very neurotic blonde girl don’t I?”
Bobby just nodded blankly.
“Well you haven’t met either of him or her yet, but they’re a nice person. We should get to the console room and investigate where we’ve landed. Don’t worry it’s not always like this, I usually know what I’m doing. I’m just so excited that you’ve moved into the TARDIS, we can have a proper chat later on when you’ve settled in properly.” The Doctor stood up and led the way back to the console room.

The console room quickly became a hive of activity as the Doctor used each and every sensory device to examine, probe and investigate their destination. Admittedly most of it was just for show, but she was curious about where they had landed. “Quadrolax IV? That’s only a few billion space miles from Temazin Alpha, our original destination. What could have thrown us off course I wonder?”
Bobby looked at the weird display panels. “It says something about a quantum force field, is that important?”
“A quantum force field?” The Doctor all but knocked Bobby down as she nudged him out of the way to look at the readings. “No wonder, we actually hit a quantum force field and bounced off it. The TARDIS must have gotten confused poor thing and materialised here out of shock.” The Doctor patted the console gently. “There there old girl, I’m sorry.”
“So what are we going to do now?” Bobby asked the Doctor.
 “Oh I think we’ll just go outside and wander about until something finds us. It’s what usually happens. Just as long as it’s not Daleks, we’ve used up all our allowed stories with them already this season and we can’t afford a lawsuit.”
 “What?” Bobby wondered what the Doctor was talking about.
 “Sorry, just an in-joke.” The Doctor winked to the avid reader. “Now to get back to the story. Well are you going to offer me your arm or not?”
 “Huh?” Bobby looked at the Doctor. “Do you need psychiatric help?”
 “Oh never mind.” The Doctor opened the TARDIS doors and headed outside. “Trust the women’s lib to ruin the ancient and noble tradition of chivalry. I blame Sarah Jane, she’s ruined two whole generations of men in my view, she was an even worse menace than the Drahvins!”
Bobby shook his head in confusion but followed the Doctor out of the TARDIS and onto a disturbingly familiar landscape. “This looks like home, back when I was young.”
The Doctor nodded slowly. “We’ve landed on the planet of the 70’s throwbacks! I wonder if I can get some really classy flared jeans, you know the ones with the jewels sewn onto them. Jo used to have a few pairs, I wonder if I nip back in time, no better not. Don’t want to upset myself, I used to be quite the mother hen back then.”
Bobby was beginning to wonder if agreeing to travel with the Doctor was such a wise move after all. “Why don’t we just go back into the TARDIS and I’ll have a go at making you some tea?”
 “Maybe later.” The Doctor replied hazily. She spotted a waistcoat that was just to die for and a quick exchange of money and it was on over her blouse faster than Hannah’s mouth onto a poster of Pamela Anderson. “What do you think?” The Doctor did a little turn for her companions benefit.
 “I think I’m dreaming and I want to wake up.”
 “Ah so you’ve got that dreamlike feeling too?”
 “More a sort of nightmare really.” Bobby replied. “I half expect Mike Sanders to give me a wedgie and take my lunch money any second.”
 “Well I’ve got some money.” The Doctor counted out the spare change in her trouser pockets. “I don’t like the sound of that wedgie though. Hannah tried that once, she soon learned never to do it again. You can still see the slap mark on her face if the lighting is right, even after her regeneration.”
 “Are you deliberately doing this to me?” Bobby demanded. “Trying to unnerve me with bizarre and pointless stories that make you seem like a dim witted woman who is three apples short of an orchard?”
The Doctor nodded. “Well I wanted to see how long it would take for you to notice. I do like to natter a bit as we explore, usually about past adventures. Most people seem to take it as a compliment that I reveal a part of my past to them. Of course Hannah was more interested in me revealing other things, that poor misunderstood girl. I’m glad she managed to get back with her cupcake, I really am. The wedding was quite bizarre though, but enough about that. I still can’t believe I caught one of the bouquets and poor Leo caught the other. Talk about two galactic spinsters. Well enough of this, why don’t we explore over there?”
Soon all this would be his, once he’d changed everything of course. The sickening multicoloured landscape of free hippy love would be swept away by the glorious panorama of conforming utility wear. He would create an army of willing slaves dressed in his own image and conforming to his own ideals. The Fashion Baron would turn this diseased haven of filth and depravity into a utopia of intellect and wisdom. Even if they were unwilling to change he would change them, for their own good. He had drawn that free thinking champion of radical and ostentatious immorality here to this pit of vice and gaudiness. The Doctor would become his willing slave; she didn’t have a choice in it really. The Fashion Baron had created the ultimate bait to secure the servitude of his nemesis, a pleated skirt suit with gold buttons on the jacket cuffs! It was a masterstroke and a credit to his visionary genius.


Bobby looked over at another part of the clothing market. “That’s the mens section. I’m not wearing any of this rubbish Doctor.”
“Why not? Anyway I thought I could pick up a little something for Geo, she prefers to wear mens clothing for some less than adequately explained reason. Those trousers are just her size. Why don’t you get something for yourself while we’re here hmmm? That Day-Glo purple shirt and orange kipper tie is just screaming your name.”
“It’s screaming retinal damage on my eyes.” Bobby felt a headache coming on.
“Oh go on, you want to blend in don’t you?”
“No Doctor.”
“You’ll attract all the ladies looking like that.”
“I’d attract insects wearing that getup.”
“Oh don’t be so soft. Look I’ll buy them and you can try them on and in a years time you’ll be wondering what all the fuss is.”
“I’m not wearing those articles of clothing Doctor.”
“Look Bobby, you can either try to appreciate the other civilisations we travel to and learn from the experience or you can sit inside the TARDIS all the time while I’m off having really cool adventures and you’re left making tea non-stop just to find something worthwhile to do. So here’s the money, just buy the clothes and you can take them off once we’re back in the TARDIS.”
“Oh very well, just to get you to shut the hell up.”
“I thought you’d see it my way.” The Doctor beamed with pride. “Now hand the nice man the money and say thank you.”
“Thank you.”
“Now once more without the icy glare and look of venom.”
Bobby looked at the Doctor.
“Maybe not, come on lets explore this way.” The Doctor took hold of Bobby’s hand and dragged him over to a street theatre display. “Come on, put that shirt on. Yes, now let me button it up for you. My, that is a very muscular chest you’ve got, and a genuine six pack too. It does feel firm doesn’t it?”
Bobby fastened his hideously coloured shirt himself. “Just watch the mimes Doctor, not my abs.”
“Sorry.” The Doctor turned around to watch the funny mimes going through their routine. Then across the plaza she spotted a truly stunning skirt suit. “I must buy that suit.” She said to herself and she let herself be drawn to its gold buttons like Claire to the spray cream shelf in a super market.
“Where are you going Doctor?” Bobby chased after the Doctor.
“I must buy this outfit, look it’s got gold buttons on the cuffs.” The Doctor paid the hefty price tag for the suit. “Just wait here and I’ll change into this.” She hurried over to the changing cubicle and returned a few seconds later dressed in her new outfit. “Well what do you think?”
 “It’s rather subdued for what I’ve seen you wearing.” Bobby thought of the bright pink silk suit the Doctor had stashed inside her plastic carrier bag.
 “Gold buttons.” The Doctor replied. “I need gold buttons, they have a sense of dignity, a sense of purpose and a sense of alien possession by a life form masquerading as a skirt suit. Help me Bobby, please take my clothes off!”
“No chance Doctor, I’m not interested and besides you’re a friend.”
“Would it make any difference if I was a stranger?”
“You’re not my type Doctor.”
“That’s nice to know, now please help me. I can feel it burrowing into my body. Hurry before it takes over my body. For the love of Rassilon Hannah would be more use right now than you. At least she’d do as I ask, even if she didn’t believe me.”
“Yeah, well I’m not this kooky Hannah chick. I’m me and I’ve got standards.”
“Look, I’m not asking you to strip me naked and make hot passionate love to me, just take this suit off. It’s paralysed my arms, I can’t move. It’s not clothing, it’s an alien life form pretending to be clothing. Oh my, it’s got tendrils. Hurry Bobby, please hurry.”
Bobby finally relented as the Doctor started screaming at the top of her voice. “Ok, ok. I’m helping.”
“It’s trying to absorb my mind, it’s trying to take in all my thoughts.” The Doctor tensed up and suddenly the alien parasite stopped trying to invade her body. “I think its dead.”
Bobby pulled the jacket off and it crumbled to dust in his hands. “What the hell is going on? Clothes don’t do this.”
“No the don’t.” The Doctor pulled the skirt off and it too crumpled to dust. She quickly dressed in her original clothes. “I’m going to find out who created that thing and I’m going to take out all my anger on them. I’ll teach them to violate me with that, that, that.” She took a deep breath and leaned against Bobby’s shoulder for a few seconds. “It was inside me, inside my mind. It knew everything about me. It was too private and personal to describe, but it was like being opened up and everyone seeing everything you’ve ever done in your life and that thing just didn’t care. It couldn’t care, it was just a thing created to do what it does.”
Bobby breathed in slowly. “You’re ok now Doctor, we’ll find whoever’s responsible and we’ll make them pay.”
“It’s worse than that. I felt it in my mind. There are more people out there who couldn’t resist. We have to help them, we must free them and make whoever created these parasites pay.”
“We will.” Bobby promised the Doctor. “We’ll make them pay big time. Then I’ll make you the best cup of tea you’ve ever had. Well the most awful probably but if it’s the thought that count’s it’ll be the best cup of tea in history.”
“I’m sure it will be.” The Doctor took Bobby’s arm. “Lets get out of here, I want to go somewhere quieter.”


Curses, so near and yet he had failed. The Fashion Baron punched the wall with his fist, knocking a considerable dent into the steel bulkhead. “If I can’t have you serving me Doctor then I’ll just have to destroy you utterly.” He laughed for a few minutes before stopping and wiping the saliva from his chin. Then he laughed some more.


The Doctor looked around as she spoke to Bobby. “Now if you were some sort of evil super villain, where would you put your evil headquarters?”
“I have no idea, some sort of hollowed out volcano lair? I’m sure I saw that in the movies.”
“What about a large corporate building that’s rather bland and restrained in its appearance?” The Doctor pointed towards a large corporate building that was rather bland and restrained in its appearance. “Why don’t we investigate in there?”
“Don’t we need backup?” Bobby asked. “For instance the US Army ad the Marines?”
The Doctor shook her head. “No, no, no. Military solutions are always bad solutions. What we need is intelligence, cunning and an idea so original it’ll make your gums bleed.”
Bobby looked at the Doctor. “Are you sure you’re ok? Why don’t we just go in there and start kicking ass until we win?”
 “Sounds like a plan, but wait…THERE WILL BE NO FIGHTING!” Sorry about the shouting but violence is not my way, not now, not ever.”
 “Ok, ok.” Bobby replied. “No need to shout. Specially as they now know where we are.” He pointed at three bland corporate types who were headed their way.
 “Oh dear.” The Doctor held her hands up. “Looks like they’ve won. Alas they’ll take us into the heart of their lair and lock us up in a poorly guarded room and leave us alone long enough to escape.”
 “You really know what you’re doing don’t you?” Bobby asked with a smile on his lips.
 “I’ve had two thousand years to perfect my technique.” The Doctor replied.
 “That’s a whole lot of candles.” Bobby stated as they were bundled along the corridor towards their cell. “When’s your birthday again?”
 “The 43rd of Julember, why? Oh no, you wouldn’t. No, not that many candles on one cake. This me is only five and a half, I’m not that old. I’m young and beautiful and I’ve chipped my nail polish!” The Doctor inspected the nail closely. “Look at this.” She said to one of their captors. “Look at it, I’ll sue!”
 “The Fashion Baron accepts no responsibility for the mistreatment of prisoners or those who resist his plans for global conquest.”
 “Oh yeah?” The Doctor asked. “I’ll see him in court.”
 “Doctor, is this really the time to quibble over chipped nail polish? We’re about to be thrown into a prison cell and your only concern is your appearance? It’s not like they beat you to within an inch of your life with barbwire covered 2 by 4’s is it? They haven’t set you on fire and beaten the flames out with their feet now is it? It’s not like they even spilled your cup of tea.”
 “I suppose when you put it like that it’s only a minor offence.” The Doctor looked at the smug mindless drone and punched him as hard as she could in his face. “Apology accepted.”
 “Now what?” Bobby asked the Doctor as she massaged her knuckles, trying to get some semblance of feeling back into them. They were locked up inside a boring room with very drab paintings on the walls.
 “Well, now we wait a few minutes. Then I get out my sonic screwdriver and hey presto we escape.”
Twenty-seven minutes later Bobby looked at the Doctor. “I thought you said you were an expert at this?”
 “I am.” The Doctor hissed in a voice that could freeze hydrogen solid. “This lock’s just being stubborn. Come on dear; yes let the nice Doctor and her impatient friend out. Typical, an old fashioned lock. I’ll have to use the fifth setting and burn around the lock. It should only be a few more minutes, maybe ten.”
 “Stuff this.” Bobby took several steps back. “Get out of the way Doctor, you don’t want to get between me and the door.” He ran at the door and slammed his whole body weight into it as hard as possible.
The Doctor picked her surprised companion up off of the floor. “Not very stylish but it got the job done. I suppose I can give you a gold star for effort.”


The Fashion Baron watched on as the Doctor and her lumbering minion successfully escaped from their escape proof cell. How was he supposed to cope when they didn’t do what they were expected to do? Never mind though, he pressed a button and sent a dozen highly trained security guards to track them down and bring them to him.


The Doctor skipped along the corridor, dragging Bobby along after her. It wasn’t easy in high-heeled boots but she managed it and it was a lot flashier looking than simply running along the boring old passageway like she used to do. “Soon be there now, these obsessive compulsive egomaniacs always have the top floor all to themselves and their mountain of TV screens. Typical control freaks, they just have to watch what their minions are doing because they’re paranoid, highly strung and almost certainly an only child.”
“You were an only child weren’t you Doctor?” Bobby asked.
“Well yes, but they did try for more children. They were just incompatible.”
“You mean they couldn’t stand the sight of each other?”
“Alas no, my mother was human and my father was never there when I learned to walk, when I said my first words, when I wrote my first dissertation on the dysfunctionality of my parents and he never even turned up when I graduated the Academy. No, he had to be somewhere else doing stupid things that no one cared about. We only spent one quality moment together, it was a warm Gallifreyan evening and we watched a spectacular meteor shower burning in the thick atmosphere of home. After that he sort of lost interest in me so being the brash headstrong youth I was back then I set out on my own in the big wide Universe.”
“You stuffed up didn’t you?”
“Big time.”
“Did your folks help you out?”
“Sort of, everyone was too polite to say I told you so, when what I needed most was them to say I told you so and then tell me how to make things better. I went into a bit of a decline, I rebelled and after a lot of rebelling I left. The rest is old history; it’s in the past. Best to just move on and be the best Doctor I can be. Enough of the touchy feely stuff now though Bobby, we’ve got an evil maniac to stop.”
Bobby shook his head in confusion as the Doctor pulled up outside a set of double door. “Is he in there?”
“I think so.” The Doctor pulled the plain plastic doors open and stepped inside.
Bobby whistled when he saw the classy set up inside. “This lot’s more organised than the TARDIS Doctor.” There were lots of large looped magnetic reel-to-reel computers each one blinking away furiously and to one side there was a huge video screen wall, which was showing the Doctor’s face. “I guess you were right about the psycho bit though.”
“Welcome my dear Doctor.” The Fashion Baron entered his lair from a room on the opposite side of the large lair. “It’s so nice to see you again.”
“Erm we’ve never met before.” The Doctor replied.
“No, but I’ve had my eye on you for quite some time now. You are my nemesis, my evil opposite. You flaunt your crude fashion statements wherever you go and with each new body you just change your look totally. It’s annoying, it’s frustrating, it’s not good for the Universe and I’m here to finally put a stop to it.”
“Definitely a psycho.” Bobby whispered to the Doctor.
The Doctor nodded in agreement. “Any deranged halfwit with an army of mindless minions can become a galactic super villain these days. It doesn’t matter though, they all have a disturbing habit of loosing when they kidnap, imprison and generally annoy me and my best friend. That’s you Bobby, say hello to the villain.”
“Hello.” Bobby felt that things were getting too surreal again.
The Fashion Baron pressed a large red button on a nearby computer desk. “Now lets see you stop this little parting gift.”
“What have you done?” The Doctor asked as loud klaxons started to blare out an annoying alert.
“I’ve armed my failsafe, a rather large and very dirty nuclear missile. This whole planet will be destroyed unless you agree to become my mate, I mean servent, my willing servent.”
“You’re attracted to me?” The Doctor was genuinely astonished. “You’re only the third man to ever say that. Thanks to a certain unnamed person I had plenty of offers from other women when she dragged me to all those coffee houses. Ok then, stop that annoying racket and I’m yours forever.”
“No Doctor.” Bobby was shocked, appalled and totally grossed out.
“I’m sorry Bobby, my boyfriend might let me keep you as a sort of servent type. However your best bet is to join our army and help us conquer this world for us. It can be a wedding present; we will be having a wedding won’t we? I want to wear a lovely white bridal gown and we can have flowers and bridesmaids and Bobby can give me away.”
“You can have her now.” Bobby commented.
“We can move in together now, I’ll get my stuff from the TARDIS. I’ll get rid of all those boring clothes and show you how to dress properly. Purple is very you and I think we shouldn’t wait until the wedding night to consume our relationship. Come on then gorgeous take me to your bedroom.”
“I, erm. This is going too fast.” The Fashion Baron backed away quickly. “This is not what I wanted.” He deactivated the bomb and ran out of the room.
The Doctor grinned like the cat that got the cream. “Well that worked well. Haana was right about using your sexuality as a weapon. The poor thing just wasn’t ready to cope with a real relationship. Now to stop all this nonsense. You destroy all the computers over there and I’ll destroy these ones.”
Bobby still couldn’t believe the Doctor’s display of hormones. “You’re not going to try that routine on me are you?”
“Oh of course not, you’re my best friend.”
“Phew.” Bobby set about destroying the computers.
Inside the large corporate building and outside it too the parasitic clothing suddenly released its grip on the minds of its hosts and they all turned to dust. No one noticed the tiny rocket that roared overhead out of the atmosphere and towards a new planet.
“A good days work.” The Doctor said to Bobby as they left the building. “Evil doesn’t always come in large doses, sometimes it’s small and tiny and that too must be fought. Never think of this as a burden, think of it more as an adventure and a chance to do some shopping.”
“You want to buy more of this stuff?” Bobby gasped as they passed a market stall filled with bright pink ponchos.
“One of those yes, but its you who really needs the clothing Bobby. It doesn’t have to be here but you are going to need a few things if you plan on staying for a while. When you’ve been caught up in as many wars as I have you soon come to realise that clothing gets damaged too easily and sometimes you have to sacrifice a suit to save your life. Come on Bobby, we’ve got shopping to do.”
“Doctor, you know you talked about these other lives of yours, well can we meet one or two of them? I’d just like to see them, to see how you used to be.”
“Of course Bobby, they all like me. They’d be delighted if we popped by for a visit. Now hold still while you try your poncho on. There we look like two peas in a pod.”
“Peas are green Doctor, not bright pink.”
“Oh stop complaining Bobby, just immerse yourself into the culture. You look fine, now lets try over there and then back to the TARDIS for that cup of tea you promised me earlier.”


The Fashion Baron patted the mothersuit on its lapels. “I know they destroyed your babies but we’ll find a new place and start all over again. This time we’ll do it right, we’ll learn from our mistakes and we’ll win.” He didn’t have a chance to scream as the mothersuit wrapped its fabric around his body and quickly possessed his brain. “This time I’m in charge, my children will not be used like pawns in your games. I shall conquer the Universe and everyone we defeat will become my children.”