SCENE ONE (ext.)

Howling wind

a desolate cry of an alien bird

the sounds of running feet

a stumble

a grunt of pain and exertion

a gunshot

a cry of anguish over an injury

another gunshot

a louder cry

a body slumping to the floor

footsteps approaching.

KORVELLIAN SOLDIER

The target has been eliminated

KLEP

Confirm the identity

The body being turned over

KORVELLIAN SOLDIER

It’s the Doctor, he’s dead

KELP

Finally…

Opening Theme Music

SCENE TWO (int.)

That old TARDIS hum

DOCTOR

Ah there you are Adam, I was thinking we could visit a rather interesting planet.

ADAM

(upset and tired)

What is it now? 

DOCTOR

What’s wrong?

ADAM

I was about to got to my room and get some sleep, a lot of sleep actually.  Unlike you I do need to get some sleep every now and again.

DOCTOR

(speaking passionately)

Where’s your sense of adventure Adam?  I’ve found the perfect planet, Sornax Four.  I was there twenty years ago when I visited it just before we met.

ADAM

(tired, speaking slowly)

I hate it when you talk like that.  Great, now I have a headache.  Right now I just want to visit the Land of Nod for six or seven hours.  If this was Disney, I’d be dressed like Wee Willy Winkie right now

DOCTOR

(his tone ignores his companion’s frailty)

That can wait, don’t you want to see the famous Sornaxian Gravel Pits?  They say it’s the 344th wonder of the Universe.

ADAM

(upset)

A gravel pit?  Are you taking the micky?  Everywhere land is a gravel pit.  Why do you insist on taking me to the most boring places in the Universe?  You’re like my parent’s planning a holiday when I was a kid…only you’re better at it.

DOCTOR

(realises his companion is serious)

Well I suppose we can have a look around, see what else the planet has to offer.

ADAM

(yawns)

If I didn’t know you better I’d swear this was a nightmare.  I’m going back to bed, don’t wake me unless you misplace your diary again, or the cat gets itself stuck inside the console again.  Not even if you misplace your favourite coat, again.

DOCTOR

Adam, I…

ADAM

Doctor, please.  I need rest.  I’m a human being, I don’t have your ability to forgo sleep when I choose.

DOCTOR

(reluctant and showing it by being crabby)

Very well Adam.

SCENE THREE (int.)

A damp stone room, water drips softly on the floor

KANDY

Kandy Heart snuck into the secret treasure room of her mark.  Carefully she replaced the real item with the perfectly manufactured fake and that idiot Lars would never tell the difference, until he tried to use it.  Seen one weird stone thing, seen them all.  One up for Kandy Heart, intergalactic rogue and part time fashion critic I think.

KLEP

(coughs loudly)

You love the sound of your own voice, don’t you?  Don’t move Kandy, hold it right there (beat) thieves only lose one hand but in your case I think my Lord will make an exception.

KANDY
I should hope so too, the amount of times I had to pretend to love him.

KLEP

I think he’d rather take your pretty head off your shoulders, so he has something of you to remember while the birds feast on your rotting corpse.

KANDY

(angry at being caught by Klep of all people)

Frell!

KLEP

(Confident)

There’s no where to run to girl.

KANDY

We’ll see about that

Sounds of a scuffle

A small stone plinth falls over and smashes

KLEP

You’re strong, but I’m stronger

KANDY

Oooh, you’re handsome when you’re physically dominating women, kiss me.

KLEP

(distracted)

What?

Sounds of another scuffle

KANDY

I can’t believe you fell for that Klep.

KLEP

Guards!

KANDY

(calls out as she runs away)

Bye Klep, see you later

SCENE FOUR (ext.)

A light summer breeze

The rustling of trees and plants

The TARDIS lands

SCENE FIVE (int.)

DOCTOR

(Waspish)

That’s not fair Adam.  I did not persuade Kitty to do anything to your bed while you were sleeping.

ADAM

Then why are three empty bottles of milk and a tin of cat food carefully hidden in the dining room?  I had to shower for half an hour to get the lumps out of my hair.

DOCTOR
(concerned)

At least tell me if Kitty is ok.

ADAM

She’s fine, she’s sleeping it off in her basket.

DOCTOR

Where did you put the basket?

ADAM

(laughing)

I’ll tell you later

The doors open to the world outside

SCENE SIX (ext.)

ADAM

In her new home, along with all those dumb toys you made for her.  It’s a lot more than you deserve

DOCTOR

I’m quite sure I don’t know what you mean?  Now which way to investigate first?  Left?  Right?  Left or Right?  We’ll got left, no right, so left it is.

ADAM

(world weary)

Why me?

DOCTOR

I hope that’s a rhetorical question.  Now don’t dawdle, lets put our best walking feet forward.

SCENE SEVEN (ext.)

A crowd murmuring

KANDY

(breathless and apologetic)

Excuse me (beat) c’mon shift the camel

A camel protests loudly

The crowd gets more animated as the woman barges her way through them.

SORNAXIAN SOLDIER

(shouts from a distance)

There she is!

KANDY

Watch out (beat) whoa…

(she falls over and lands roughly on the cobbles)

Owwww! (beat) right on my dignity too.  (beat – as she stands up) Got to get out of the city.

SORNAXIAN SOLDIER

This way, hurry

KANDY

Bloody kids (beat) watch out (beat) coming through

SORNAXIAN MAN

Mmmm, where’ve you mean all my life?

KANDY

Eeuw, get your hands off me creep.

Sound of a hand being slapped

SORNAXIAN MAN

C’mon darling, how about you and me get to know each other?

Sound of a knee connecting with a very tender area

SORNAXIAN MAN

Ooof

KANDY

I’m in a hurry and you’re really ugly (beat) excuse me (beat) coming through

SCENE EIGHT (ext.)

Low muttering of beggars

DOCTOR

As capital cites go this one is rather smaller than I remember.

ADAM

I thought this was a kibbutz.

DOCTOR

Not far to the Gravel pits now.  You should have brought your camera Adam.

ADAM

Believe me I don’t want any reminders of this.  It’ll take years to repress all of this.  Next time we’ll just go to the Eye of Orion, no matter what I say.

BEGGER WOMAN

(Louder than the others)

Alms, alms.  Alms young sir?

ADAM

Yeah, right.  I look like I’m made of money?

DOCTOR

Good morning madam or is it afternoon?  One loses track of time on a day like this doesn’t one?  Please forgive my young friend, his manners were removed before I started tutoring him in the finer points of etiquette.

Clink of coins

BEGGER WOMAN

Thank you kindly sir.

ADAM

Doctor (beat) why did you have to show me up like that?

DOCTOR

Show you up?  I think you manage that quite perfectly yourself.  Did you look at that dear, sweet woman?

ADAM

Yes.

DOCTOR

(More forcefully)

Did you?  Did you see the dirt on her bare feet?  The dirty rags she was wearing?

ADAM

Yes.

DOCTOR

You can’t go around making snap decisions about people, especially when you know nothing about their culture.  Begging is quite legal here, in fact it’s regulated.  They see it as self-employment, it’s quite ingenious in its own way.

ADAM

So why did she pick your pocket?  Silver fob watch, question mark design, ring any bells?

DOCTOR

That’s what she thought too.  Luckily for me I’m far more adept at slight of hand than even my good friend Ali.  Did you know he taught me everything about slight of hand?

ADAM

(sighs)

Whatever.  Now if you’ll be so kind as to tell me where we’re going?

DOCTOR

All in good time.

ADAM

It’s the quarry, isn’t it?

DOCTOR

(tries to put a good spin on things)

It’s very nice this time of year.

ADAM

I knew it.  So why come here, to this town?  I use the term town in its most generous sense.  It’s like Hartlepool if you took away the Prozac.

SCENE NINE (ext)

Heavy boots on cobbled streets

KLEP

(Full of anger and swagger)

There she is

KANDY

(Upset at being discovered)

Frell!

KLEP

Stop her!

SCENE TEN (ext.)

The crowds grow silent

DOCTOR

I wonder if there’s some sort of carnival on today?

KANDY

(Distantly across a plaza)

Help!  Let go of me!

ADAM

(sarcastically)

I see Homeland Security has spread to other planets.

DOCTOR

(Flippant, but concerned)

They often have quite harsh penalties for breaking the law.

ADAM

You think?

DOCTOR

It’s not our play to judge the social policies of other worlds, other cultures, no matter how benign or distasteful.

ADAM

(Upset but resigned)

Beating a woman senseless in the middle of the street is just distasteful?  I call it police brutality.  It’s like Rodney King all over again, but with a Baywatch twist.  What words of wisdom do you have for the woman?  I’m sorry I couldn’t help because I don’t believe in helping people?

(disgust taints Adam’s voice)

You can stand here and be as moral as you want, I’m going to go and help her.

DOCTOR

(Anger in his voice)

Alright Adam.  Enough.  We’ll soon see about this.  Excuse me, yes you madam.  Let me through sir, I’m…a doctor.

KANDY

(we hear her pain, as someone had grabbed her hair)

Get off me Klep!

DOCTOR

(his best hero voice)

I rather think this young lady has suffered enough now.

KLEP

(matter of factly to one of his soldiers)

Get him out of here.

GUARD

(young, stupid and eager)

Yes Sarge

DOCTOR

I’m a doctor, there’s no need to hold her hair that tightly.

KLEP

(in a mocking voice)

Get back to your blood letting, sawbones.  Get him out of here.

KANDY

(whispers)

Please help me

ADAM

Hi, I’m Adam

(lets out a grunt of exertion as he punches the soldier)

Come on you, while metal head here lies down on the job

SOLDIER

Stop that boy, he’s helping a wanted criminal…

KANDY

(mock playfully)

Bye Klep

Swords drawn from scabbards

DOCTOR

I don’t suppose we can be reasonable about this?

KLEP

I’m going to gut you like a fish…

Closing Theme music