Opening Theme Music
PRIESTS
(Chanting religiously in the background) Alleluia! The
glory of God is life after death.
CARDINAL NAMROS
In the name of the Pact, and the Codex and the Undying
Spirit, we pray for the soul of your son, may he transcend this mortal realm to dwell with you always, in your loving arms.
Amen.
EVERYONE
Amen
BISHOP RANLIN
I Ranlin, do humbly swear to follow the path of the righteous
and begin my ascendance from the world of men into the realm of the heavenly Father.
Leaving behind all sin and mortal ties, renouncing temptation, the Devil and all his works, now, forever and ever.
Amen.
EVERYONE
Amen
An angry sound fills
the room, like a plague of locusts
BISHOP RANLIN
Cardinal, are you well?
CARDINAL NAMROS
It is my time…thank you for your assistance, brothers…(he
screams) It is my…I remember everything…it’s all a…
The angry sound blots
out all other sounds for a few moments
BROTHER HUGO
The Cardinal is dead!
BISHOP RANLIN
No! I live on, Brother Hugo. This humble body shall serve me well, my brothers.
BROTHER HUGO
How do you feel, my Bishop?
BISHOP RANLIN
Quite like my old self, although grieved that I must retain
the rank this body has achieved.
BROTHER HUGO
The others do not understand this most noble sacrifice
that you make. Denying yourself heaven so that another may take your place.
BISHOP RANLIN
It’s a shame the legs on this body are so thin.
BROTHER HUGO
Well as Cardinal Yarvin always says to me, the first time
is always the hardest.
BISHOP RANLIN
Yes, well all he does is sit around in his orchard all
day meditating.
BROTHER HUGO
No doubt contemplating his service to God. When I ascend
next month I hope I shall find half as much peace of mind with the good Lord as the Cardinal does sleeping under his favourite
tree.
BISHOP RANLIN
I’m sure you’ll find all the answers to your questions. Have faith Brother Hugo, as is required to achieve true salvation.
SCENE TWO
ADAM
Not even a crowd of angry natives to greet me with pointy sticks and a big cooking pot. The Doctor
must be slipping…
CARDINAL YARVIN
My son…
ADAM
(Startled)
Bloody hell, you nearly gave me a heart attack you old git. (beat)
I’m sorry, you startled me. Hey, don’t chuck your food at me. I hate Golden Delicious. No I don’t want another one thank you.
CARDINAL YARVIN
Attend me, the rites of Ascension must be obeyed.
ADAM
Jesus, you look like death. I mean, hell, oh God, erm,
heck.
CARDINAL YARVIN
Attend me, my son…
ADAM
You really don’t look well. I should get you an
ambulance or something. I think I’ll fetch the Doctor, he always knows what to do.
Did I mention he’s my best friend?
CARDINAL YARVIN
No time, come closer.
ADAM
You’re not going to try anything are you? Only there
was this old priest near where I lived got fifteen years for unwanted attentions. I
think the goat had to be put down in the end too.
CARDINAL YARVIN
(Angry) Attend me…please, the time grows near…
ADAM
Keep your shirt on, grandad. (beat) Hey, get off, you’re breaking my --
The angry sound is heard again
CARDINAL YARVIN
Prepare this unworthy sinner for ascendance.
ADAM
I’ll ascend you in a minute, mate if you don’t get off --
CARDINAL YARVIN
Receive me now!
The angry sound blots out all other sounds
ADAM
(Sounding a bit odd) That’s better. (letting out
a grunt of exertion) This body is strong, and flexible. I had forgotten…
The attire never did suit that old body. Better put it back on or they might mistake me for a sinner.
SCENE THREE
DOCTOR
Adam?
(doorhandle rattles)
Locked.
(footsteps)
Adam?
(doorhandle rattles)
I know you’re around here somewhere.
(footsteps)
We’ve landed. Don’t you want to explore? You
always like exploring. It’s your favourite part of the day. That and sitting
in your room listening to your music. Must you have it so loud all the time?
(door handle rattles)
I was sure I unlocked all of these. Are you hiding, Adam? I’ll try not to namedrop so much in the future. It’s a terrible habit.
(door opens)
Well you could be having something to eat I suppose. You
do that a lot. (Gasp) Kitty!
(the cat meows)
I was saving that kipper for my supper. Was this Adam’s
doing? I know he likes to think he knows everything but this is too rich for
your little stomach. You’ll get poorly and I’ll have to look after
you again, like last time. We don’t want that again do we? No we don’t.
(plate picked up off the floor and put onto the bench)
(the cat meows again)
I’m sorry Kitty, this is for your own good and the good of the carpets. Oh, don’t look at me like that. You know I can’t
resist that look. Be strong Doctor, it’s for her own good! Why don’t we go and find Adam? I’m sure he’s
around here somewhere.
(door opens and closes)
(footsteps)
We may as well try the console room, it’s only one floor up and three rooms over. Left past the swamp and take a right at the cow field
(the cat meows again)
Well where did you think all that milk comes from?
(footsteps)
(door opens and closes)
Adam? The outside door’s open. I haven’t been in here since we landed. You stay Kitty.
I’d better go and see what’s going on outside. Adam’s probably
getting himself into all sorts of mischief without me around.
(footsteps)
Adam? I hope he hasn’t been captured by an insane
criminal genius again.
SCENE FOUR
Several sets of footsteps approaching, on a cold stone floor
NOVICE 1
Halt, stranger. Where did you get those robes?
ADAM
(Sarcastically) From the gift shop, Novice, where do you think?
NOVICE 2
This is a sacred and holy house of devotion, no tourists allowed.
ADAM
I am here to see Cardinal Namros.
NOVICE 1
The Cardinal has just passed away.
ADAM
Then I shall speak to his successor, this is a most important matter of (beat) faith. I have been called to the Lord.
NOVICE 2
(awed) Well why didn’t you say? Come with me, Brother…
ADAM
You may call me Holy Father
Running footsteps approaching
BISHOP RANLIN
Forgive the delay, my son.
ADAM
Forgiveness is a virtue, my Bishop.
BISHOP RANLIN
(Embarrassed) Return to your duties
NOVICES
(Together) Yes your grace.
(footsteps walking away)
ADAM
(With venom) Fools
BISHOP RANLIN
You never had much time for the necessary deception, did you?
ADAM
So, you recognise me at last then?
BISHOP RANLIN
As well as you recognise me. The bodies change, but we go on. So you taught me, once.
ADAM
I taught you many things. I cannot be held accountable for how much you understand. The process changes us, how can it not? However I am the one
needed to perform the tasks required for our noble brother to ascend.
BISHOP RANLIN
You wish this body to become the most beloved Brother of Brothers?
ADAM
If I must endure the trials of faith again then I must, but there is no time, The approaching task must be given top priority.
BISHOP RANLIN
I shall take you to the assembly of Cardinals. Your claim
to the throne of light will of course be a mere formality.
ADAM
This is not the time for intrigues.
BISHOP RANLIN
(Commandingly) Alleluia! The Holy Father has returned to us, praise be to God!
VOICES
(A bustle of whispers from the novices) The Holy Father…
ADAM
Praise be to God!
BISHOP RANLIN
I’d better take you to the Cardinals before that lot start demanding blessings.
ADAM
The Cardinals will demand miracles.
BISHOP RANLIN Your renewal should
be miracle enough. It was for me.
(Footsteps)
(Badly oiled door opens)
CARDINAL RODNAR
Who disturbs our prayers?
ADAM
Don’t you recognize me?
CARDINAL RODNAR
How dare you enter here, return to the place of novices at once.
ADAM
Sit down and shut up.
BISHOP RANLIN
(Excited) Don’t you see, he is the Holy Father!
CARDINAL RODNAR
Nonsense, one of us will be the next Holy Father
CARDINAL PALLIN
Oh be quiet you old fool, can’t you see he wears the most sacred vestments? Holy Father forgive my lack of humilty, I beg your forgiveness.
ADAM
Forgiveness is a virtue.
CARDINAL RODNAR
Well you speak, like that old fool. But why should we accept you as the Holy Father?
ADAM
One serves the role the Lord intended us to serve. Your
lack of faith betrays you, Cardinal Rodnar.
BISHOP RODNAR
Now there’s no need to be hasty, Holy Father. One
must never accept anything at face value, without time for reflection and meditation.
ADAM
Of course not, Cardinal Rodnar, of course not.
CARDINAL PALLIN
Please do us the honour of leading our prayers, Holy Father.
ADAM
Of course, Cardinal Pallin, of course.
CARDINAL PALLIN
What are you dong?
ADAM
I’m sitting down of course.
CARDINAL PALLIN
But that is the Throne of Light, you must be consecrated first.
Groan of an old wooden chair being sat upon
ADAM
Just as uncomfortable as ever.
CARDINAL PALLIN
This is most unusual.
BISHOP RANLIN
The Holy Father leads us, do you dare question the sacred path God sets for us to follow?
CARDINAL PALLIN
Forgive me Holy Father, I am but a humble and confused old man.
ADAM
Yes, (beat) of course, Cardinal.
SCENE FIVE
Nearly tuneless whistling
DOCTOR
(muffled footsteps on grass)
Adam? Honestly,
that boy could win an Olympic gold medal for getting into trouble on alien planets.
(more muffled footsteps on grass)
Hello? Oh
my. At least I’m not the first to find the body. Although who ever did took everything.
(muffled footsteps on grass)
This is Adam’s shirt…
(muffled footsteps on grass)
That’s his sock.
Unwashed. (beat) His trademark.
(muffled footsteps on grass)
Now his trousers.
Adam?
(Soft thud)
The apples are ripe, but there’s nobody to collect
them. Waste not want not.
(crunch of an apple being bitten)
Rather sour for my taste.
(muffled footsteps on grass)
Maybe he went in this direction? Maybe I can find someone at that church to see to the body. I
miss having someone to tell all of this to, what’s the point of being clever
when there’s no one about to hear? Perhaps I should have brought Kitty.
SCENE SIX
Low murmer of indistinct voices
ADAM
(religiously) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to offer
prayer for the sudden and unexpected passing of your dearly loved brother, Pallin.
OTHERS
(as one) Amen
ADAM
Verily we rejoice at the life of duty and service our most
noble and dedicated Brother Pallin lived. Did he not rise from a humble novice
to a deacon in less than thirty years of contemplation and study? Then after
a lifetime of dedication and faithful service did he not teach others as a learned Cardinal?
That his work be fulfilled so soon saddens us, but we also celebrate his passing and begin a weekend of mourning in
his memory.
OTHERS
(as one) Amen
DOCTOR
(Faintly, in the distance) Hello?
ADAM
However this time of great triumph is tainted by an unclean
soul that walks among us.
DOCTOR
Adam? What
do you think you’re doing?
BISHOP RANLIN
Please leave, this is a house of worship, we are performing
sacred rites.
DOCTOR
Adam, what are you doing in that ridiculous outfit?
ADAM
Heretic, unbeliever.
You offend our beliefs with your unclean beliefs.
DOCTOR
I did ten laps of the swimming pool just this morning.
BISHOP RANLIN
What manner of gods do infidels believe in?
ADAM
Such superstitions do not concern us, Ranlin.
BISHOP RANLIN
I don’t suppose his answer would bear the listening
anyhow. The primitive mind cannot grasp the universal love of God.
BROTHER HUGO
I don’t know, I’ve often thought that the primitive
mind in its ignorance is closer to God.
BISHOP RANLIN
That is heresy my boy.
BROTHER HUGO
We study God, but are we not by our attempts to understand
pushing ourselves away? Perhaps this brutish simpleton might somehow be closer
to God by the very nature of his primitive and unenlightened mind?
BISHOP RANLIN
You go too far Hugo.
You shall be punished for your sins. What is your command Holy Father?
ADAM
Have the novice flogged.
His soul might yet be saved from his errant curiosity.
(footsteps leading
away)
However this unclean creature has an unclean soul that
can never be pure. He cannot be redeemed.
It cannot even be scourged clean by the fiery litany of the sacred pyre of purification., and we all know how effective
that can be! He is opposed to the very sanctity of life itself. Let him be put
to death for his crimes against humanity!
DOCTOR
But I’m not human.
Can’t I just let me off with a slap on the wrist and a stern talking to?
ADAM
(Sinister) No, you must be put to death, for the greater
Glory of God…Amen!
OTHERS
Amen! Amen! Amen!
Closing theme music
