Depression had been burned into my brain as a small child. Being overweight was not easy for anyone, especially on me, in second grade. The other girls would not play with me because I was fat. The boys laughed at me, because I wore weird clothing to fit over my large set body.

 

As i got older, my weight went down, but the torment in my brain never stopped. Always I was hearing, "you're fat, you're lazy, you don't deserve to live." A few close friends kept me adrift. Although as I got older, the ties between the closer friends, dimmer and then grew bright again as the world turned with me. Just like a light bulb on the brink of destruction. It could be bright at times, but just as dim at other times.

 

With people coming and going in my life, I felt as it though, I was always going to be alone. In high school, I had a few boyfriends. No one ever lasted long. They usually were just in it to use me for the unspeakables. When they were done with me, the relationship ended. I was tossed awawy like garbage. Not saying much about teenage males, except they are sly and underhanded.

 

People still made fun of me; of course, it was more devious than ever. So you never knew when someone was your friend, and when someone was talking about you behing your back. Teenagers can be so cruel , worse than any other.

 

I do not remember much about my high school years. Basiclly, it was a period in my life I would like to forget. Too many haunting memories float through my mind, even as I write this. I forgot the stuff I could: my grades, teachers, people who didn't mean much to me. Those were all things easily earsed in my mind. Indented in my brain, however, were the people I really wished would die, and the people who would have died for me.

 

College came and college went. Nothing too bad happened here. The maturity level is so much higher, and people didn't judge you as much on your looks, weight, or popularity. One long term relationship happened to me during those years. A guy, handsome, with dark hair, and the most wonderful brown eyes, was the object of my affection. I could get lost in those eyes. He was as funny as could be. Although he was made fun of just as much as me, I think we made the perfect "nerd" couple. We would stay up till all hours of the night, just laying in each others arms, and dreaming of our future together. We spent a few together, and I started loosing some weight. Unfortunatly, he broke up with me shortly before my senior year. He then disapeared from sight.

 

The next time I heard from him was a couple years later, he told me that he never stopped thinking about me. He wanted to see me again, but he couldn't. He was in trouble, and he was being pursued. The Russian government was after him. The only man I had ever loved told me that he probably wouldn't live to see his 30th birthday. The Russians wanted him dead and soon.

 

I wanted to see him so badly. So I asked him where he was and went to him. It was like an old black and white movie. I showed up in Ireland, with the rain pouring down. I find his street with some difficulty, of course, after wandering the streets for a few hours. I show up on his doorstep, soaking wet, as the rain came to a halt. Typical.

 

Once our eyes met, our bodies had to embrace in a hug. He whispered how much he missed me, and how much that I should have stayed in New York. If they found him, I would be in danger too. I told him that I didn't care, I only cared about being with him, and nothing else mattered to me. I stayed with him a few weeks. Weeks turned into months as we forgot about the Russians, and my stomach grew large with his child. I had sold my things in New York, and moved full time in with my lover. We started planning the most beautiful wedding, June 6th was the date we planned on making our love offical.

 

As Christmas approached we both had high hopes for the future. The Russian spies had not found him, and we were told that they had stopped looking for him all together. We were so madly in love, and could not be any happier with life. My life was finally wonderful. I loved life. I loved everything about life.

 

Decemeber 25th, a day I will hate forever. I love my love, and my baby. Those I loved, and held dear, I lost. That day, oh that horrible day. It was bitter cold outside in the green land of our lives. He and I were preparing for family to come over for a holiday dinner. The doorbell rang, I sent him to answer. God, forgive me.

 

I heard him answer the door, his words still echo in my mind. "Sweet jesus, no." Gun shooting. Shots. Bang. Ringing in my ears. Another shot, another, more, more, the pain.  I ran into the hall to see my love, laying on the floor, in a puddle of crimson. Blood. Blood everywhere. Dripping. Flowing. Blood. Oh God, the blood. I looked up and saw the three faces of Death. One pointed the gun at me, and pushed my body into the pool of red.

 

There on the floor the three men beat me, laying in my darlings blood. Blood. All over me. My blood flowing into his. Mixing. The blood. Oh God. How can I believe in you, God?  He was dead. My love. He was dead. I wanted to be dead too. I didn't want to go back the way life was before he came into my life. No way I was going to put up with that again. He's dead. I want him. I want to be with him. I want to BE him.

 

I kept thinking, "Kill me! Kill me!" for I had no reason to live. My life was unimportant. I was all alone, and in the dark. As the group of men beat and raped me. I just wanted to scream out, "Good! I want to die! Kill me! Kill me!" Life was not worth it anymore, I thought I was slipping away, almost grinning becuase I wouldn't have to be alone. I would be with my lover.

 

Then I awoke in a hospital. Why was I saved? My love was gone, and as I found out later, my precious joy, my baby, was gone as well. Why was I the one to survive? Why save me? Why not just let me die? Why hadn't those men killed me too?

 

I moved back to New York, and lived with some friends for awhile. I stayed in my room all the time. I never ate, and I was never happy. I didn't smile or laugh. I thought of a lot of things. He never did tell me why the Russians were out to get him. After a year of being in the dark, I finally foudn out why the spies were after him. He had stolen some precious merchandize from one of the government's highest buildings. He had taken their Ethiopian Spider Monkeys.

 

The Russians still didn't have their monkeys back, so they were still searching. They had killed my love over it. Months will go by before they, the Russians, will be seen by me again. This time, I was ready for them. I knew what they had wanted. I didn't even know Ethiopia had spider monkeys. The more I thought of it, the more I started to understand everything that was going on.

 

My engagement ring, yes my ring was the Ethipian Spider Monkey. Believe it or not, that is the name of their most gorgeous diamond. My love had given me the ring with the diamond set in it. When they arrived, I held out my hand, and pleaded them I told them to forget the diamond, and to just kill me. Instead they let me keep the ring, and took me back to Russia with them.

 

Now, I'm more depressed than ever, because they took my right away, and now I'm married to the ugliest world leader, that's ever been seen. I'm gaining back all the weight I had lost, and I am despised by the royalty of other countries, just because of who I'm married too. I was forced into marrying him. I feel like I'm back in high school. My life is full of cruel people, with cruel thoughts, and a cruel self confidence that eats me alive. Why hadn't they killed me when they had the chance? I'm living a life worse than death.