WEISS KREUZ JOB INTERVIEW           PERSIA *sigh* Next!           GABRIEL That would be me.           PERSIA Good Morning Mr…           GABRIEL Gabriel.           PERSIA That’s a rather unusual family name.           GABRIEL It isn’t. I don’t have one.           PERSIA No family name?           GABRIEL Just Gabriel, like Cher.           PERSIA No problem, we will have to find you a cool sounding last name. You may call me Persia.           GABRIEL As in the old name for Iran?           PERSIA No. As in the breed of cats.           GABRIEL Interesting.           PERSIA So you were sent here by the temping agency, correct?           GABRIEL Yes, they send me here because I am very interested in your "Florist by day" vacancy.           PERSIA Actually, from our side, we were also looking forward to the second part of the job description, namely "Assassin by night."           GABRIEL Uhm… The information I got from the temping agency didn’t mention night shifts. And they certainly didn’t mention anything about assassins.           PERSIA Well, yes… that’s the agency’s fault for not having a complete list of professions on their forms. So I had to go with "Florist" instead. But since you are here we might as well go through with the interview. Let me explain. You are a possible choice as the fifth member of a combat cell called Weiss Kreuz. We work for a huge shadow organisation that, unlike other huge shadow organisations, is working towards a better world.           GABRIEL How?           PERSIA By killing its opponents.           GABRIEL Have you ever tried writing a polite but firm letter?           PERSIA No. That is not the Weiss Kreuz way. We are the living, breathing anger of those who have suffered injustice. We strike fear and terror in the hearts of our enemies. Our sole mission statement is vengeance. Lethal, white hot vengeance with a capital "V". And vengeance shall be ours. Rivers of blood will be spilled and no mercy shall be given to those who cross our path.          GABRIEL …           PERSIA I even have a catch phrase. Do you want to hear it?           GABRIEL Sure. I don’t think my pants can get any wetter at this point.           PERSIA "Knight Hunters! Deny those dark beasts their tomorrow!"           GABRIEL Apparently I was wrong about the pants. But it is a great catch phrase. I like it. Very William Shakespeare. And those Knight Hunters are…?           PERSIA Here are some pictures of your possible future colleagues, the Weiss Kreuz team.           GABRIEL Let me guess: Ginger Weiss, Posh Weiss, Sporty Weiss and Baby Weiss.           PERSIA Oddly enough those were the original codenames before we decided to go with cats instead. Which leads us to the next question: your favourite cat?           GABRIEL Buyo from "Inuyasha".           PERSIA No. Favourite breed of cat. As I said earlier, I am called Persia.           GABRIEL The fluffy ones.           PERSIA "Fluffy" is not a breed of cat. And before you go on, neither is "Stray" or "Top".           GABRIEL …           PERSIA Okay, we’ll skip the cat name for now and talk payment.          GABRIEL I like payment. Payment is good.          PERSIA Well, you don’t really get paid.          GABRIEL Assassination is volunteer work?          PERSIA Not quite. You will receive a generous amount of spending money. And we will provide you with a very cool sports car or motorbike. What are you driving now?          GABRIEL A Vauxhall.          PERSIA No, that just won’t do. You need a car that reflects your personality.          GABRIEL Oh, please no.          PERSIA Or you can choose one that reflects the personality you would like to have.          GABRIEL That sounds better indeed.          PERSIA So we need to establish your personality within the group’s dynamic. Do you have any personal preferences?          GABRIEL I could be the angry, moody one.          PERSIA Hmm, no. That position has been filled.          GABRIEL The womanizer?          PERSIA You are kidding, right?           GABRIEL The hot head?           PERSIA Taken.           GABRIEL The rather upbeat but harbouring the darkest past one?            PERSIA I’m afraid that one is also taken but it brings us nicely to my next question. Were there any traumatic experiences in your past?           GABRIEL Traumatic experiences?           PERSIA Yes, we need them because we need you to brood a lot.           GABRIEL You do?           PERSIA Yes. The brooding is indispensable. We can’t have a group of happy assassins running around now can we?           GABRIEL We can’t?           PERSIA No, we can’t. It just wouldn’t make sense. So, any traumatic experiences? Something along the lines of having your family killed and your sister is in a coma. Or you’ve killed your best friend. Or your long lost girlfriend has amnesia and is now fighting for the enemy. Or you’ve been abducted as a child and been torn away from your unloving family. Did you have a similar experience?          GABRIEL An ex-girlfriend made me watch "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood."          PERSIA Not quite the traumatic experience we were looking for. Haven’t you lost any family members?          GABRIEL No.          PERSIA Too bad.          GABRIEL My dog ran away.          PERSIA That’s better but still not what we are looking for. What happened? Did he get run over by a truck or was he killed by organized crime?         GABRIEL No. He came back after a few hours.         PERSIA That’s it?         GABRIEL It had been raining and he had fallen into a ditch.         PERSIA So your most traumatic experience is missing your smelly, muddy, wet dog for an afternoon. That just won’t do.          GABRIEL I don’t want to be rude but besides driving a cool car, the job doesn’t seem to have any other perks anyway.          PERSIA I wouldn’t say that. You will be swarmed by admiring girls.          GABRIEL That’s good.           PERSIA And there is a fair chance one at least one of them will fall deeply in love with you.           GABRIEL That’s even better.           PERSIA And you will fall deeply in love with her.           GABRIEL All right!!!           PERSIA Then she will get killed.           GABRIEL Uhm… excuse me?           PERSIA Oh yes, it seems to be a recurring pattern. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Girl gets killed. Boy kills girl’s killer.           GABRIEL What about boy saves girl?           PERSIA We don’t do that. As I said before, we’re in the vengeance business, not the saving business. This brings us to your trademark weapon.           GABRIEL Trademark weapon?           PERSIA Yes. You need to choose a weapon that gets instantaneously associated with you. You are not going to be an assassin who fights bare-handed are you?           GABRIEL No. Fist fights really aren’t my thing.            PERSIA Unless you should have psychic powers.            GABRIEL Not that I am aware of. Although I do have the uncanny ability of picking out that one single item at the supermarket that won’t get recognized by the cashier’s scanner.            PERSIA That’s too bad. It would be nice to have a paranormal on our team for a change.            GABRIEL I would have to go up against people with paranormal powers?            PERSIA Well yes. Precognition, mind reading, a smidge of telekinesis. You know, your average, everyday, run of the mill, common paranormal powers.            GABRIEL Oh… if it is just the common paranormal powers…            PERSIA But you still need a weapon. The following have already been taken: katana, claws, wire and bow/darts.            GABRIEL Aaw, that’s too bad. Than I would go for the next logical choice.            PERSIA An axe?            GABRIEL I was thinking more along the lines of a very powerful, extremely long distance sniper rifle. Or possibly a Sherman tank.            PERSIA Weiss members usually use a more up close and personal approach when it comes to interacting with others.            GABRIEL Under normal circumstances I really am a people person. But I am rather apprehensive when it comes to being up close and personal with people who I have to "interact" with that are probably surrounded with armed guards who can’t wait to "interact" with me.           PERSIA We’ll try to find a middle ground, like a really long spear or something like that. I’ll need some additional information too. How tall are you?           GABRIEL 185 centimetres.           PERSIA Do you think you could reach 190 centimetres if you stood on your toes? Because we need someone who is 190 centimetres tall. Or 140 centimetres. 140 would work out too but 190 would be visually more attractive.           GABRIEL So I would have to stand on my toes or crouch down while assassinating?           PERSIA No of course not. That would be silly. But we do request the height of our members to be a round number because otherwise the lines on the measuring wall will look all wonky.           GABRIEL I’ll pretend to know what you are talking about.           PERSIA I also need you to fill out this form with information like your blood type, favourite flower, hobbies, likes and dislikes.           GABRIEL To get a deeper insight in my psyche and create an elaborate profile?           PERSIA No. To fill out the background in the eye catch. So far we only have your first name and we need a bunch of useless crap about you. And I think we are done here. It’s been an… interesting conversation. We will contact you very soon. You may go out through the flower shop. Just make sure not to piss off "Ginger Weiss."           GABRIEL Not piss Ginger off. Noted. I hope to see you soon, Mr. Persia. _ _ _             GINGER Shi ne !   _ _ _             PERSIA *sigh* Next!   * * *