ReadingLirael, As You Like It, The English Patient, Heart of Darkness, Suikoden III, Candidate for Goddess
Watching House, Rick Mercer's Monday Report, Gilmore Girls, Scrubs, Corner Gas, Aishiteruze Baby, Prince of Tennis, Hikaru no Go
Playing The Bard's Tale, Katamari Damacy, Curse of Monkey Island, Final Fantasy VI, Disgaea: Hour of Darkness, Pretty Barbie Dressup Party Final Fantasy X-2(group gaming)
Back-burner Star Ocean: Till the End of Time, Star Ocean: The Second Story, Final Fantasy Tactics: Advance, Baldur's Gate: Tales of the Sword Coast, Planescape: Torment, Final Fantasy VII
Obsessing Firefly, Erik and Ray, Impulse/Bart Allen, Ford Prefect, Monkey Island, Nostalgia.
Upcoming Things of Importance January 5 First day of classes January 14 Birthday party January 16 Jaryn and Matt Are Old Day
layout
Is by Meimi, that wonderful Goddess who brings joy and happiness to the hearts of Ingrids.
This time, Meimi brought joy by doing a layout of Isumi Shinichirou and Waya Yoshitaka, of Hikaru no Go. It is full of wub.
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It's weird
6/2/2004 07:42:56 PM
I post stuff like this because . . . it's important to get it out, I think, even if I can't talk to anyone about it because who would care? I wouldn't care and I know what the people I sometimes talk to would say, so I don't say it to them either, but I say it to notepad and it's all someone like me can do.
Is it strange to be angry at someone about something that hasn't actually happened yet, but you know will happen, because that's the way your life always goes, and it doesn't matter what you do or say, that's how things will turn out, and maybe you wonder if your conviction that it's going to happen is part of why it turns out that way, but you know there isn't really anything you could do about it even if you wanted to, and you sort of want the thing you're angry about to happen, because you don't deserve good things to happen in your life, and so good things never do happen?
I think it must be strange.
I don't know why I thought my life would be better after I moved out of my parents house. In their way, things are worse now than they were this time last year. I don't have those few people who knew just what to say to cheer me up, to make me forget that I hate myself, to make me just stop thinking, around anymore. They're gone, and it's at times like this, when I'm all alone with no one to talk to, but I'm too miserable to do anything to occupy my mind, that I remember, and I feel so alone it hurts.
I wonder why I thought if I could just stay in the apartment over the summer, just get a job here, things would be okay. I thought other people wanted me around this summer, I thought they'd miss me if I wasn't in town, don't know why, because I wouldn't miss me and obviously neither would they.
I went out for a walk. It was raining, but just a gentle kind of rain, and I only got a bit wet, and I went to the empty place. But it's not empty anymore, there's lots of grass, really green grass, growing thick and heavy, and dandelions and little weeds with tiny white bunches of flowers on them, and it's not empty.
There's flowers on some trees around the Park, white ones and bright bright pink ones, and they're pretty and I kind of like to sit and look at them for a bit, and wonder what kind of trees they are.
My mother would know.
In a couple days, my mother's going to be bald. And it's weird. And it makes me feel kind of sad and weird, too, and I don't know if it's because my mother who's always had her long long hair her entire life is going to be bald, or because I'm not going to be there when she gets it all cut and shaved off.
I got an e-mail from my mother, at the beginning of the week, talking about her dance recital (for a school that's now being shut down, a dance school I attended in it's first year and a member of my family's attended every year since, and now it's closed and I wasn't there for the final final recital) and the big church potluck that she danced at, and my brother and one of his friend played at. My brother got a guitar for his birthday, and his friend's an accomplished bassist, and apparently they sang their own songs and were good and everyone had a lot of fun.
My family's actually becoming like a family now, and it's weird, because it's a family that doesn't include me, and I know if I were there, it would be all yelling and shouting and my brother would be miserable and my mother would be stressed and my father would seize any chance he could to be out of the house. It's weird.
I think articulating your feelings is good. You get it down in words, and then you can deal with them.
It seems like all my friends are either out of the state or out of the country, and even when they were here, it was hard to find a time to meet with them because of our varying schedules and geographical distance. I don't think I'm particularly good with friendships, but the older I get, the less I care about having friends that are always there. It's good enough that when I call them or e-mail them, we can talk as easily as if it hadn't been six months since we'd last had contact.
It helps that I don't live alone. Even though my family often annoy(s) me, they keep me from isolating myself too much. There are people who can be solitary, but I'm not one of them. Too much time for thought and self-hatred and to get into a state when you don't do anything but exist. I just need some room to decompress at the end of the day, because I'm not a social person either.
If I might suggest, find something "noisy" to do. When you're busy and active, you won't have time to think much, and you won't feel as if all you do is mope about and bother your friends. (And it always seems that way if you have more free time than they do.)
Make new friends or acquaintances, so you have some kind of social network to fall back on. It's usually easier to bond if you share in an activity, so try volunteering or joining a club. They don't have to be good friends, but at least you know them and they know you, and you never know where that will lead. In my case, it has led to several rides home, for which I was most grateful. In my mother's case, we got a lot of furniture and two banana trees. (That sounds so mercenary ^^ Social connections make the world go round. They're good for favors and knowledge and new experiences. And trading.)
I was about to say much the same thing as your friend here said, but then she said it, which is good, as you're more likely to believe it coming from someone you know.
Just trust that if you give people the opportunity to care, many *will*. Strangers are just friends you don't know yet, and all that talk. I don't know you, but just hearing about you makes me care, and I wish you well. I know that doesn't mean as much coming from a stranger, but it doesn't make it any less sincere. The human condition binds strangers together at the same time as it keeps even the closest friends apart.
There's a lot good out there in the world. Even in Saskatoon. :) It can be hard to keep looking, but I encourage you to invest the effort, to say the least.
Let me know if you want this overly nosey and noisy stranger to stop posting comments in your blog, btw. I figure hearing from a complete stranger on occassion might help. If it doesn't help, I can disappear. :)
I think living with someone else would help at times like that, because I never really minded being alone just reading or playing on the computer when I was in my parent's house . . . I think maybe a roommate might be good to stop the insane cabin fever, but I think most of the time a roommate would just irritate me. So suck it up and yeah, maybe try to get out more. Dunno about the volunteering, but even going to work and being subjected to stupid stupid people breaks the tedium of just sitting at home kicking my heels. And yeah, it's made worse by the fact that all my days off seem to come in the middle of the week, when my friends are all working or in classes.
I think it would have helped if I was in the middle of reading a book, but I'd just finished my reread of "Dark Lord of Derkholm", and hadn't really started anything new . . . Ah well.
Mercenary volunteer work, eh . . . ~grins~ Maybe something'll pop up in the neighbourhood. Something that doesn't involve me standing.
And Firefly DVDs yay! I . . . still haven't found anything but "Radio Fifth Grade". If I just got the morning shift at work it would be easy to walk over to the bookstore and get some new DWJ books. I'm going to have ot schedule a walk on one of my days off, I guess.
