Six or seven years ago now, my sister and I used to hang out with a group of teenage girls. (Since we were teenage girls at the time as well, this makes perfect sense.) Of that fairly large group, we now only talk to two of the girls from time to time and with good reason…

Our friends were dumbasses.

The biggest dumbass of our little group, and the one whom I most often wanted to throttle, was a stubborn attention whore of a girl who fancied herself a writer. This wouldn't have been so bad if, you know, she could actually write. But she was BAD - even for a 16-year-old.

A few months ago, Shawna and I were digging around in the computer desk, looking for a blank disk on which to save some crap. And what do you suppose we found? No, not porno…. Fiction. Horrible, horrible fiction written by that girl we knew long ago in high school.

It was SO bad that we had to inflict it on most everyone we know, and every single person we read this piece of shit to wound up laughing hysterically. So, when it came time to pick a terrible Halloween-themed piece of crap for the website's annual Spooktacular, we knew what it had to be.

Boils and ghouls, I present to you…

The Garden of Good and Evil.

Enjoy.

THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL ch. 2

N: A note here - the disk is kinda fucked up and sadly I cannot get to all the chapters. So we're starting with chapter two instead of chapter one. I don't think we missed anything important, so no worries.

I am Lilith an emortal , sent to earth to protect the humans from themselves , in lamins terms to stop the humans from screwing themselves over and this is my story ............

Kitten: Said all in one breath.
N: E-mortals, the latest in Internet technology! I'm not entirely sure what a 'lamin' is. Notice the punctuation. Or rather, the misuse of it.

I never saw a wild thing with self pity . A bird on it's perch will drop dead with out a day of feeling sorry for it's self. why can't we all be that strong ?

N: Why, oh WHY are we not like the noble sparrow? WHY GOD WHY?! Feel my angst!
Kitten: What does this have to do with the story?

Like I said before my name is Lilith, and I'm sitting here drinking coffee , Surprise!

N: Random capitalization, surprise!
Kitten: I hope she chokes to death on her stupid coffee.

I come here every once and a while to relaxes or to be with my thoughts, if thats the way you want to put it .

N: "Seeming as how I don't really have much rattling around in my head…"

It's called the Gerage it's were the so called "Hip" people go .

N: I think she means 'Garage.' I think.

But I'm here to be with myself not to come on to some coffee drinking, poem reading, guy with black hair and chin pukes.

Kitten: What the hell are chin pukes? Is that like chin pubes? Or did he vomit all over his chin? HRRWAARGH!

fighting and killing demons is well by it's self and all, but if thats all I ever did I would probebly go insain or something worse.

N: I can't imagine what could be worse than insainity.
Kitten: I can. Having to read this thing more than once.

So I was sitting there in my silence when it was dissterbed by some popcorn headed freak screaming,

N: Popcorn-headed…?
Kitten: Dissterbed?

"Some girl is being attact by some...some thing."

N: Attact. Whoo boy.

Oh good , a quiet day isn't complete with out some violance....

N: Violance and insainity.

I drop my coffee and run out side and when I get there I ottamatically see the struggle.

N: Ottamatically: when one reacts instantly to ottomans. I know for a fact that the author's computer had spellcheck, by the way.

A Werklerlock demond was proseuing a young girl , who by the way was screaming louder then God.

N: I'm not sure what's going on here, mostly because I don't know what a 'demond' or 'proseuing' is. It sounds like a crappy German gemstone is paying a young girl for sex. Or something. And God's a screamer, according to this.
Kitten: Nice.

So I reach for the sword consealed in the side of my jacket and make for the kill.

Kitten: *metal voice* Make for… the kill!

Incase you've never seen a Werklerlock demon there not that easy to look at.

Kitten: *snortcackle* "Like my face."
N: 'Werkerlock' makes me smile.

They stand at about 6"2, they have yellow skin and red eye's, no teeth, not to mention the sharp bones sticking out of it's back.

Kitten: So… it has nothing to defend itself with?
N: They give GREAT head.

In other words they don't fit in with most crouds.

Kitten: I hate it when I don't fit in with the crouds. I bet the Werkerlerkery demons have serious self esteem issues.

Once I reach them it's almost over, he's grabed her neck and is ready to brake it.

N: Her neck was accelerating too quickly!

I grip the sword titely

Kitten: TIT-ly! Boob of death!

and with a clean cut I seprate him from his arm and while he's screaming in pain the girl runs for safety.

Kitten: "I separate you from your arm!"
N: Maybe he gets visiting rights.

"You Werklerlacks are always picking on people smaller then you, well I'm smaller, so pick on me."

N and Kitten: Okay, Wolverine!

He turns around to face me then with out fear he charges. I rase my sword and let it down only for the demoned to catch it in his hand.

Kitten: *as demon* "Oh, FUCK, why did I DO that?!"

Shit.

N: That's this story in a nutshell, folks.

with out my sword he picks me up only to let me down on the concreat.

Kitten: Well. He really didn't do much then, did he?

then grabs the back of my pants and pumals me into a near by wall.

Kitten: Whoa, that's late-night!
N: He didn't even buy her dinner first.

Leaving a nasty gash on my forhead. But with no time for pain I roll to a corner were my sword is waiting, and he fallows.

N: O-kay….
Kitten: No time for pain. No time for thinking, either.

N: Fallows?!

It was over with one hard thrust to the heart, he rests.

N: Sounds like bad erotic poetry.
Kitten: It was over with one hard thrust. UGH. Baby. You smell like beer.

There was a fue minets of silence but only a fue.

N: What the fuck, is this French or something now?

Behind me an adence of one claps in onner of my victory.
"That was inpresive Red....",says the formilier vioce.
I look into the dark allieway and see a dark figure standing to great me.

Kitten: It was dark. In his hand he held a dark thing. In the dark. It was dark. Did I mention it was dark?

So I call out the only name I can give to that voice,
"Artimas?"

Kitten: Yo, shadow-dude, do you know how to spell 'Artemis'?

N: I lost count of how many times she's changed tense so far.

memory time

Scotland 1123

N: We'll assume that's AD.
Kitten: 1-2-3-4… I can count!

A man and a woman act out on there love, like a fire they ignight the passion. And she feels his warm breath apon her neck......

N: Did they just set the bed on fire?
Kitten: "God, invent Listerine, pal…"

"You make love by the book."

Kitten: "May I please return it to the library?"

"And you are one of the better woman, out of many, that I've slept with"

Kitten: Is that supposed to be a comeback line? Because it fails miserably.

"Please, the scraches on my bed posed far out number your, I am 3000 years your elder."

"Well 3000 years isn't that long, in our standerds anyway"

"You flert!"

N: What the fuck?
Kitten: Is this supposed to be witty banter? Because it's more like shit streaming from out of my ASS.

END

N and Kitten: YAY!

"It's been for ever",

N and Kitten: Dammit!

I said in a surprised tone, while I went to hugged him, like a brother

N: A brother you SLEPT with you perv.

"Maybe even longer", he answered.
"So tell me how you've been"I coulden't what to here one of his rediculous stories he always used to tell me.

Kitten: "Like the time he got stuck in prison and some guy named Bubba made him his bitch. That was HElarious.

"So only a fool would try to arest us twise in one day, and so of corse deing fools they say,"gentalman come quietly", there was 6 of them and only 2 of us, so they were our kind of odds, we gave them a chance to sirender of cores. I mean fare is fare rigth?"

Kitten: What the fuck is going on? Like, WHO is talking?

The one thing I loved about Artimas was his ability to make me laugh and not alot of people can do that when I'm sober.
"Those were the good days, Ha?"

Kitten: See? I laughed! HAHAHAHAHA!

"Well it's no screat that the worlds gon civilized",he agreas.
"You meen dull?"
"Sometimes", he grins

Kitten: WHAT?
N: I'm just in awe of this spelling. Like, wow. Makes my typos look AWESOME in comparison. Screat.

It was fun to see him again , he was just as charming as ever and he still had the same head turning good looks. Some women might find him attractive. That is if that woman had eyes.

Kitten: That's retarded. Shut the fuck up.
N: Redundant much?

He had dark brown hair and blue captivating eyes that captured me from the begining.

N: Hence 'captivating' you jackass.

He had abbs like a wash board, in short he'd give a dog a bone.

Kitten: What the FUCK kind of description is this? It's like some fucking YM magazine.

"What have you been up to all these years, we lost touch after Grease",

N: BWAHAHAHA! "Yeah, after that mess with John Travolta we never spoke again…"

I tryed to start a new conversation.
"Oh, you know how it is, the life style, the travel, I needed to get away for a while", I could sence the disscophert in his voice.

N: Disscophert?
Kitten: He should go to a doctor. Disscophert is a nasty inflammation of the throat.

"Did some thing happen?", I asked, trying to sound informal.
"No why do you ask?", he answered, trying to aviod the subject
"You've just changed thats all", I begin to look him up a down and we go into an ocward silent moment, the worst kind.
"Well I have to get going there's something I have to do, it's kind of important so I can't be late."
"Ok, well we meet here tomorrow", I mutter.
"Sure, say around 5:30pm."

Kitten: That last sentence was probably the most well-written thus far. Everything before it was shite.

It's imbarrising to admit this but I began to fallow him.

Kitten: I hate it when people fallow me. It's imbarrising as hell.
N: I think she just called him sterile.

Some thing was wrong and if he wasn't going to be a man and tell me, I'd find out for myself. Beacuse I knew him so well I can tell when he's hinding some thing from me or him self. I fallowed him for about an hour and we ended up in china town. Were he enterd a madisinal specalty store, he and an old man went in to the back room fallowed by two other called giant man, who carried balges in the jackets.

Kitten: *CACKLES* Honey, I don't think you wanna 'fallow' him anymore.
N: That last line just makes me stare blankly at the screen as I try in vain to figure out what the FUCK is going on.

So of cours I fallowed, but I had no idea what I'd find. It was a sarimonial room, it was dark, the only thing lighting the room was the many candles sirounding it.

N: Not really the ONLY thing then, was it?

And I new were I was. There called White Coughts, a secret siseity bent on taking the place of all immortals. There big puch line is "We can do it better", if only thats was true. But thats not the question. Why is Artimas, an emortal, even giving them the time of day.

Kitten: Let alone giving them head.
N: He's safe. He's an E-mortal, not an immortal.
Kitten: White Coughts, eh? Sounds like White COCKS.

"The job is don, I'm meeting her tomorrow at 5:30",

N: Donny, no!

he answers, as if he was talking to his mother.

Kitten: What?!

"But you didn't need to send the Werklerlack out on a joy rid".

Kitten: I love joy rids. They make me feel so good.

"We dissagre", said the old man,"We thought it nesisarry to test the girl, if she was as resorsful as you described her".
"And?"asks Artimas.
"You were correct, she is worth the effort, but will she turn to are advantage".

N: This is like, a rejected Buffy script.

"I'm meeting her tomorrow,she will join us."
The old man stopped, and glairded at Artimas,"weath she likes it or not."

Kitten: Don't glairdededed at me.
N: I'll do it weath you like it or not. Bitch.

Artimas looked up at the man now sittihg in the wodden throne like chair,"

N: Oh guy mod. Is he taking a shit?
Kitten: She'll-ughhhhhhhhhhh-join us-errrrrrrrrr.

I thought what happend to her was up to me."
"Plans chang, pray I do not alter them any further",threttend the man.

N: Now we get bad kung-fu subtitles or something?

At there words an invisable hand seemed to slap me accross the face, never in a milliun years did I ever believe that Artimas would betray me in such a way.
The man upon the chair seemed to be one of grait importants.

Kitten: So grait that 'great' wouldn't suffice.

The other two White coughts, who had at this piont not said a word, respected and at the same time feard him.
"She will join, once she hears the logic of the propesal she will see the good in it",he tride to convince him.
"I seriously dout that", I could hear no more of the conversation with out acting on my inpulse to pummal something close to me.
They turned to see me standing there.

Kitten: Who's talking? Sorry? What? I couldn't tell because you're a DUMBASS.

"Red?", cried out Artimas.
"Don't you speek my name", I answerd back in a cold tone.

Kitten: No speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeking!
N: It's not even her actual name…

"Get her !", order the leader.
The two silent White coughts charge at me with there swords high in the air above there heads and mine.

N: Leaving their vital parts totally exposed!

Like a gut reaction I draw my blade and deffend my self.

Kitten: Well no shit. I thought you'd just stand there like the dumb twat you are.
N: I wish.

The fight was on, and over just as fast.

Kitten: Well, that was exciting.

So with out his man the strang leader, who's name I never came accross, had retreated into his little dark hole. Leaving Artimas and I to fight in privet.

Kitten: Mmm. Privet.
N: Hee. He's retreating into his dark hole. Pervy.

"How could you, of all the people I have known, you where the last I thought I would ever have to worry about when it came to trecherry.", I ecohed at him with anger.
"You wouldn't understand", he tride to expain.
"I don't need to

Kitten: So there! Neener!

N: Here the document craps up and we just get a bunch of boxes until…

ing and it tairs me appart."
In that moment he falls to his nease and starts to cry, with more pain and suffering in his screams then I've ever hurd. I never thought I'd live to see a brave man cry.

To be continued.....

Kitten: Count the number of spelling mistakes in that ONE paragraph. If you spot more than two you get a cookie.
N: Braaaave men dooooon't crrryyyyyy…..