N: You thought it ended there? FUCK NO BABY!

THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL Ch. 3

My name is Lilith an emortal, sent to earth to protect the humans from them selves. In lamins terms to stop the humans from screwing themselves over and this is my story...

N: In case you forgot.

And just when I thought I knew Artimas. I never thought he could love a mortal so deeply, in fact I didn't think he could love any woman ever, that he was to conseted for that.

Kitten: 'Conseted'? He's a con-artist set in his ways. Con-setted.
N: I'm confused. I think we missed something in that garbled crap of the last chapter.
Kitten: Yeah, him professing his love to the White Coughts. … White Cocks.

When we got to my house I let him sleep in the bed. And I had no idea my coutch was that unconfertable intill I had to spend the night with it.

Kitten: She slept with her couch?
N: No, her coutch.

"I hate this fucking coutch! ", I shreaked.

Kitten: SHRREEAAAAAKED! "Well You could have shared the bed with me, but I couldn't garrenty you any more sleep then what you had last night", he smerked, and I tried my hardest not to blush.
"You are such a whore", I teased.

Kitten: Nice teasing. "WHORE! SLUT! STD-raddled hose-bag!"
N: I take it this is the following morning. Despite there being no lead-in or spacing…
Kitten: Shyeah, nice way to start a scene. "I hate my couch. Now we are talking."

My coutch wasn't the only uncortable part of my house,

Kitten: I have many other uncortable places. Like my ass.

I only came there to sleep. The only furnature I had was what I could find in garage sales and flie markets.

N: These are obviously totally different from FLEA markets.
Kitten: Yeah, they're even scummier.

The dishes I owned where collecting dust in the cubbereds and I have never, up to this day, used them.

N: Then why did you buy them, you numb cunt?
Kitten: What, she doesn't eat? But she was having coffee earlier. Hey wait, if she only comes here to sleep… where does she go to the bathroom? The fucking street?
N: Probably. She IS fucking her couch - she's obviously not too hygienic.

Souly because there was no food to be found in the refrigrater. I left the house at around 6:30 pm. It was friday and the hookers started work early, all the wackoes seem to come out firday night. Go fig-yer.

N: What?!
Kitten: She would KNOW when the hookers would start work. Her couch is pissed off at her, so she needs to get some sugar some other way.

It was around 9:30 that things started to get messy. I could hear her, not screaming but cussing, vary loudly. So I pulled out my new sword, who I named "Mr Pionty",

Kitten: He's French! Hoh-hoh… mes oui, I am phallic!

and headed in the derection of her foul language. I turn the corner in to a recloues allie-way only to have a trash can thrown at me. And hard.

Kitten: GOOD! I hope it hits you sqau' in the nuts.

I could fell the breath leaving chest.

N: That's a bad Hong Kong bootleg subtitle right there.

Infact it left so fast I made a sound, on accout of the force behind the throw.

N: Sorry, what? *rereads* I don't even know what to say to that one.
Kitten: How about, 'thanks for sharing.'

Hitting the ground hard I look up to see the raging battle. But it wasn't the demond doing the fighting, it was a young girl, a street kid by the looks of it. She wasn't vary big 5''5 at best, she wore a short black skirt, fish net stockings, a white t-shirt(if you could call it that)which revield her slender middrift. Her hair was strawbarry blond and wavie, it was the only real thing about her.

Kitten: So she's got fake breasts?
N: As if the main character wasn't Sue-ish enough…

"Get the fuck away from me you wide-eyed phsyco", she blerted, swinging and throwing just about any thing she could get her hands on.

Kitten: Wide-eyed?
N: Yeah, harsh, I know.

So Mr Pionty and I decited to do something about it.

Kitten: "Oui-oui, cherie, we shall solve ze problem!"

The demond that was fighting with her is called a Ixion, they look like frogs with antlers adorning it head.

Kitten: Oh my god. This is one of the demons that was laughed out of the Underworld for looking so retarded.
N: While demons in traditional lore do look pretty funky… yeah. That's just… yeah. I suppose it's a giant frog? She never said, so it could just be normal froggy size. Oh, and by the way… GREAT English.
Kitten: Yeah, it's this tiny little frog with antlers. "Look out! He's gonna hop at us and overbalance!"

He didn't see me coming intill I was practicaly on top of him,

N: Whoa, down girl.

so I had the begining advantig. He ducked and rolled accross the ground. I missed him by an inch but that didn't stop the andembitable.

Kitten: The what? What the hell is happening here? You know, aside from more shit slipping from my ass.
N: I really don't know what word she was trying for, there.

The battle went on longer then I'd thought, he was not vary tall so speed was with him.

Kitten: See? It's a normal-sized frog with antlers. Run for the hills, Bob Barker.

He dogged my early attemps,

Kitten: Woof-woof!

but you could sence that he was growing tyred. Then finaly a swing, a hit, and a piont for me.

Kitten: "Hoh-hoh, for both of us, cherie!"

The rest was simple.One clean cut turned into another and another intill his blood stained the concreat infront of me. He made no sound after that nor would he ever again. And thing's were comm, for the moment. Behind me I could her the blood running through her veins, she was so scared at the sight of me.

N: "On account of my hideousness and all."

"What the HELL! or in heaven was that, and who the FUCK! are you", she belowed trying not to look at the bleeding corps infront of me.

N: Heaven OR hell, eh? Just shut the fuck up.
Kitten: The two are easily mixed up. Angels and demons look a lot alike… they both have antlers.

I turn to face her and before I could say a word she fainted.

Kitten: Jesus, what a wuss.

Maybe it was the addirenalin,

Kitten: The what?
N: I think it's a drug.

or maybe it was the fact I carried more blood in my clothing then the fresh corp before us.

Kitten: "I stopped off at the Blood Bank before coming here."
N: She sewed some IV bags to her jacket?

For a girl her sizes she was unbelievably heavy.

N: Well, if she's several sizes…
Kitten: Fatass ho.

It was like carring two sacks of pottatose. As if her state of mined added twenty ponds to her dead wait body, frailing about my sholder.

N: 'Frailing' is so not a verb.

Once I got to a sirten piont, close to my appartment, every step seemed more difficult. But I wasn't prepared for what I was about to face when I opened the door to my apartment...............Dear god .........Artimas....

N: Put your fucking pants on!"

He had cleaned the house, my house.

Kitten: Not that there's much to clean, according to her earlier description.

Or at least it was when I left this afternoon. I could forgive Artimas for his betrayle, but for-the-love-of- god did he need to choose pastels?

Kitten: What do you mean 'pastels'? You said he cleaned, not painted, you dumb fucking whore.

I felt as if I walk into a barbie doll fun house. And let me tell you ken is probably rolling over in his grave, and being that he's a plastic figuren, he isn't even dead yet.

Kitten: So why the FUCK did you even utter that line?

Then Artimas pokes his head out of the kitchen.
"Oh, hi, you'r home", he grind,

Kitten: He's grinding in the kitchen?

N: "Honey, I made dinner with my special sauce!"

and I could have ripped his face off.
I didn't have the words to confront him, I was to tyred from all the walking and the 123 pound dead wait adorning my blessed little sholder, which had gon num about two blocks ago.

Kitten: Is ooo a bwessed widdle shoulder? Is oo? Ooo-bee-doo-boo!

N: I'm starting to sense a trend with numbers, here. The year 1123. 123 pounds. The author couldn't count any higher.

I sat the girl down on my new pink, gag me with a spoon, coutch and went to investigate the smell serounding the room.

Kitten: With him grinding in the kitchen, I guess it smells like semen.

Artimas on the other hand looked like Martha Stewart in tite lether paints.

N: OH GUY MOD!
Kitten: He's wearing fake leather paint on his tits now?

He was wearing an apprin and stiring a wooden spoon into some concoction of his.

Kitten: ConCOCKtion, eh?
N: You know, for the romantic leading male…
Kitten: He's pretty flaming queer?
N: Yeah.

"What the hell did you do?", I said, as I pushed out the words.

Kitten: *gruuuunt*
N: Redundant, much?

"I brightend it up alittle, don't you like it?", he smiled.

N: "It's like Trading Spaces, hon! I'm Doug and you're the homeowner."

"No! no I don't like it, it looks like a God damn easeter egg for crised sake", I glared stairt in to eye's.

Kitten: I swear English WAS the author's first language.

"Some thanks I get, do you know how long it took me to clean this place up, not to mension I found your cat."
"Artimas! I don't oun a cat", I look at him with pusalment, and he returns the vary same look right back at me.
"You don't?", he asks.
"No!", I answered, with as much volume my diaphram will allow.

Kitten: Which is a really stupid way of saying, "I'm yelling."

He puts down the wooden spoon and takes off his apprin, carfully makeing his way to the living room, grabs a black ball of fur"(which I thought was a pillow) and hucks it out of my 5 story window.

Kitten: Oh, NICE.

I could here the pour fielies wale on the way down and the commotion it made once it hit the ground.

N: You mean the SPLAT?

"Who's the girl? she looks like a hooker", he abserves.

N: "I dunno. Some hooker."

"I don't know who she is, but she can't be that old",

Kitten: "I like em young! Heheheheh. Get em before the hair does."

sure she had more make-up on then close, so she was walking around in the dark of night, in a city were god knows what can attack you, but hay! she could be doing that for a number of reasons. right?,

N: Yeah, she might not be a hooker… maybe just a crack-whore.

"And why would you want to know if she's in that occupation, are you looking to be her new custumer?'', I ask him, but he had nothing to say.

N: Honey, your boyfriend doesn't LIKE girls…

"I'm going to bed now I can barly stand strait",

Kitten: *lisp* "Me either, honey!"

I complained, and it was true my feet felt like ceament and my head felt like it was stuffed with cotten balls.
"You don't want any of my western chili", he asked in a surprised voice. I didn't answer him I was to exosted, I was out the minute my head hit the pillow.

N: If Jesus loves us, this will end here.

memory time

England 1592

N: Dammit, Lord!

"Artimas I do appriciate the thought in the gift but you know how much I hate these dresses, they inch, this period is such an unconfortable time".

"Oh, I don't know. I'm getting rather confortable in these tites, they keep every thing snug and in it's place, if you know what I mean."

Kitten: Gay. GAY. GAY. The only way this guy could be any gayer was if he walked around with his dick in some guy's ass.

"Only you Artimas could injoy himself in a time like this. I hate today, of all days, why does it have to rain."

"Cheer up, it is your birthday today."

"Ya, I'm 54,737 years old, Her-Ra!"

N: Was that a failed Kemetic cheer there?

"Well if it helps at all for me to say this, you really don't look your age. If it helps."

N: You don't look a DAY over 54,736, dear.

END

I woke up this morning in knots, my feet were asleep, my eyelids were glued shut. I felt so hung-over. The girl was still asleep. And boy could she sleep, she slept like she hadn't slept for days.

N: Wow. Look at her sleep.
Kitten: She slept and slept and slept some more. And I watched her slept. She was very slepty.

I even checked twise to make shure she wasn't dead or any thing, not that I blam her, looking at that coutch makes me want to die too.

N: She's ASLEEP, she can't SEE it, you numb cunt!

It wasn't intill around 1:00 pm she finaly started to come to. She didn't jerk awake or add the acoustom scream.

Kitten: Excuse me, but who actually wakes up screaming? That's only in movies, you dumb twat.

She woke up refreshed, from a good nigts sleep. Intill she saw me sitting no more the two feet infrount of her.

Kitten: Way to put your guests at ease - sit RIGHT THERE and STARE at them.

"It wasn't a dream?", she asks, in a serpired voice.
"Why would this be a dream?"
"This has to be, it's the only expanation, what other explanation is there?Oh my god, I'm talking to a total figment of my amagination. This isn't happening. It can't be.", at this piont she wasn't playing with a full deck of cards.
"I'm afraid it can, you see you were attacted by a lxion demond in an allie-way, I did saved you, and took you back to my appartment.

Kitten: "Where I proceeded to molest you, little girl…"

And yes this is my pink coutch.", I breathed heavly.

Kitten: "I sleep with it."
N: Her couch is pink. WE GET THE POINT.
Kitten: The piont.

"If your real then, who are you?"
"My name is Lilith

Kitten: "I am an e-mortal and in lamin's terms... Oh, sorry, this isn't the intro?"
N: Highlander!

and the man in the apprin is Artimas. So now that we have established who we are, what's your name?", I asked, she stared back at me as though it servprised her that I could speek as well as she could. May be it was the shock.

Kitten: "Or maybe it was the fact that I look like I have Down's syndrome…"

"M.....my name is Sky. But I still think that so-called "demond" that attacted me is total bull shit", she said in a defensive tone,

Kitten: "It was just a frog with antlers!"

Some thing I had become accustom to not tallrating.

N: What, defensiveness?
Kitten: Don't get defensive with ME young lady!
N: Lilith has control issues.

"Every thing you ever convinced your self wasn't under the bed, is all real.", I said. (find a come-back for brat)

Kitten: Your vibrator… is real. That big dust-bunny… is real.
N: I think the stuff in parentheses is a note to the author from herself. Too bad it didn't read 'DELETE EVERYTHING'.

"So did you order the time-life serise", she fired back at me. And I decided to chang the subject.

Kitten: What? Is that a witty retort? It doesn't make any sense!
N: Like the rest of the story does?

"Who takes care of you?'', I ask.
"Well, who takes care of you?", she answers,"because I take care of myself. There only two people I trust, the first is me and the other sure-as-hell isn't you."

Kitten: Oh, GOOD answer. Dumb twat.

She was such a bitch.

N: Look who's talking.

I save her life, take her into my vary pink home, and this rud "fuck you" attitude is all I get back in return. I think I like her already.

Kitten: I like em fiery! *lewd gestures*

She's like a smaller, blonder, version of me.

N: Oh, fucking great.
Kitten: Two-TWO Sues for the price of one!

Then from out of noware

Kitten: Noware sucks. Almost as bad as NoWhere.

there's a nock on the door. It wasn't a friendly one, it was cold and distant, more of a pounding bang, really.

Kitten: Then why didn't you say that in the first place?
N: I've yet to hear a cold, distant sounding bang.

I stood up and Artimas came out of the kitchen with his wooden spoon out to defend himself from what ever might be on the other side of the door.

Kitten: "I'm tho tharced!"

I gentaly look though the peep hole

Kitten: As opposed to forcefully. You know, slamming her eyeball through the glass.

and it was Mrs Webster, my land lord from down the hall. She look alittle wased, like she had been chewing on paint chips or something.

Kitten: Wased? Wasted?
N: Who fucking knows? And PAINT CHIPS? Dude. I think the author was one of those kids who huffed rubber cement in art class. … Did she?
Kitten: I didn't watch her every minute.

I wave to Artimas that every thing is ok and he heads back into the kitchen.

N: Where he proceeded to queer it up.

I unlock all 6 of my dead balts and open the door ready to ask her how much surger she needed,

Kitten: 'Surger' is a code for 'drugs.'
N: Or possibly paint chips.

when her stiff and lifeliss body falls infront of me. And before I can look up something hits me and another throws me, full force, on to the ground.

Kitten: If she's such a badass warrior, why didn't she notice the woman was a CORPSE through the peephole?
N: I wanna know how she missed the thing hiding behind a little old landlady.

For some reason, I can't explain, most of my fights start with me hitting the ground.

N: Slut.
Kitten: Maybe because YOU SUCK?!

Almost automaticaly Artmas runs into the room carrying his wooden spoon.

Kitten: She means 'cock.' Holding his cock.

There must have been at least five of them.

N: Cocks?

It was an entire pack of lxion demons,

Kitten: Oh my god, RUN! All the little froggies are hopping in!

probably there to aveng there colleges untimely death by my hands.

N: They take their Alpha Mater very seriously.

Right away Artimas has the advantage of fear, as he jams his wooden spoon into the first one's ear and in though it brains, scareing the others, forceing them to spred out.

N: Let me recap: he just jammed a SPOON into a frog-demon's brains.
Kitten: *shakes head*

While I role to the door to grab aholed of Mr Pionty, then the odds are alittle more on our side.

Kitten: "Hoh-hoh-HOH, cherie!"

When I started by beheading the closest one to me, not watching my back intll it's to late.

N: She is a really shitty fighter. Like, wow.

I didn't see the one behind me, nor did I expect the gun shot that shot the demond dead.

Kitten: It shot it, by the way. The shot shot it. With a shot.

With out time to figure it out, I turn to face the next kill and take off his arm. No more figthing was nesisary because the rest of them knew there diffete and had already left.

N: "Buh-bye, thanks for coming!"
Kitten: This story is like bad sex: messy, embarrassing, and anticlimactic.

Then I look in the direction of the gun shot fired, to see Sky still holding the gun in her hand, not moving from her positoin.
"I'm not dreaming", she says to herself, finally clueing in on her suroundings.
"You have a gun?", I ask

N: "You have a bird? Can I touch it? Does it bite?"
Kitten: If she had a gun before, why didn't she pull it when she was first attacked? Oh, right. She's a moron.

"Ya, you never know when some dilinkwent punk-ass might try to steal your shows when your sleeping.", she wispers, still in the same position.

Kitten: Shows? Does she mean SHOES? And if so… that's retarded! "I don't want your wallet. Or even to rape you. I want your shoes!"

"Why didn't you use it the first time the lxion attacted you?"Iquestion her again.

Kitten: Oh. Well. That's what I wanted to know.

"To much adrenalin, I guess", she answers, still in the same position.

N: Thanks for mentioning that she was "in the same position" THREE times. We didn't catch that.
Kitten: That wasn't adrenalin, babe. It was mental retardation.

"I think we have alot to talk about", I say. And I told her everything I could. About my existance, why I was hear, about mave, my family, and just a small portion of my past.

Kitten: So… she told her everything or not?
N: This little talk must have lasted a few hours.
Kitten: And you know, for a powerful "emortal" this chick sure spills her guts quickly to someone she just met.

And for the first time since I met her she was speachless, she didn't know what to think. Luckily Artimas birsted in the room to call us in for a late dinner, say by about 5 hours.
"DINNERS REDY! it's creish with extra cheese.''

N: Does she mean quiche?
Kitten: With extra sperm. Cheese means sperm.

Nobody talked over dinner, exept for Artimas, that was to be expected during any meal.

N: Then SOMEbody talked!

I didn't sleep a wink, and nether did somebody else.

N: Who? I don't know.
Kitten: THE SHADOW KNOWS!

She was sitting on my pink coutch watching the sun rise around the filthy inner streets of the city. The light was in her blond hair and a sad look painted her face.

N: Oh, that's so poetic. By poetic I mean it sounds like something a wannabe poet 13-year-old would write.
Kitten: Sorry, I was too bust gagging on clichés.

She said nothing although she knew I was there, nothing needed to be said at the time. She just staired into the distance as if she was looking at the world for the first time. I could sence her discomfort. So I sat beside her and saw what she saw.

Kitten: "And slowly slipped my tongue into her ear…"

"We're not going to make it are we.", she asked, Not looking away from the window."Human's in jenral I mean".

N: What brought this on?
Kitten: Those frogs are really fucking scary, man.

"Humanity is a funny thing, human's are ment to distroy one another, every thing you create is sometimes used to distroy, it's just in your nature.

Kitten: Like Kleenex. That's totally meant to destroy.
N: You leave a lemon long enough and it'll turn into a nuke.

It's no ones falt it just real, painful, or unfair. But you live it every day of your life", I say, trying to explain the best I can.

Kitten: And failing miserably. Stop trying to sound smart and philosophical.

"What about the diffrence between good and evil, the war that is being fout, to keep good in power", she says, trying to conteradict me.
"The war between good and evil is piontless,

Kitten: "I hear my name, cherie! Hoh-hoh! We fight ze good fight, non?"

you live as long as I have you figure that out. It's a war that nether side can win. There apart of eachother. Good can't exist without evil by it's side. It's less of a war and more of a sibling rivalry", I higher my voice an octave

N: Why? We dunno.
Kitten: That's the stupidest analogy I've ever heard.

"But good is nothing like evil, I'm not evil, you have no right to blame the human race for universal mistakes", she screaches, as a tear runs down her cheeck, and reality beginds to set in alittle deeper.

Kitten: "Stop shreaking, dear. My gay boyfriend needs his beauty rest."

"Every one has evil in them, even if it's hiding on the inside it's still always there. And even in a demond like the ones we saw last night they have good in them even if they don't want to actsept it, just like your doing now",

Kitten: "Every Sunday those little froggies go and read stories to old ladies."
N: And then eat them.

I wipe the trease away from her cheecks.

N: Ew.

She then nessals her head on my shoulder and take a deep, but shaky, breath.
"Well that sucks....", she wines, her nose makes a small sniffle sound.
"Like I said Humanity is a funny thing.................

To be continued....