GENERAL REALITY:

You make a fashion statement by wearing your sharavary to school one day.

If you can't dance, play soccer, tennis, volleyball, or ski by the age of 5, you'll be left to die in the wilderness.

For exercise, you know aerobics has nothing on a good polka community

Your phone bill exceeds $200 a month due to calling your "close" >friends in different cities/states

You've ever hung out at a cemetery with 400 other people and caught up on the latest news on the side of the road

You're relieved that Sluzhba Bozha on Saturday was only an hour and a half

You question how a propovid during liturgy transitioned from Jesus to Ukrainian politics to Heavy Metal in 20 minutes

Your grandmother gives you a guilt-trip about not being married yet and tells you she's dying soon

You have a nickname because your regular name is the same as 40 other people in your immediate community

You've ever bought electronics and packed them in your suitcase for your family in Europe

You've ever been served a shot of vodka for breakfast

You've ever hit someone with a switch of pussy willow in a fit of religious passion

You've justified hosing down a priest on a certain Monday in the springtime

If you think that Halloween is bad, try getting someone to answer the door during Kolyada season

You love those surprise "I've come to bless the house" visits by the priest

You've confessed your sins to the priest you were drinking with the night before

You drink twice the amount than playing at a sporting event

At the age of 25 your hips just suddenly widen while walking down the street

You swear using words that translate to different diseases

Your history teacher cowers at your knowledge of Eastern European history

You hang your head in shame after finding out that Michael Bolton is half Ukrainian

You think the power of the Internet is nothing compared to the power of the BBC (baba babi skazala)

You've forgotten the name of the person you drunkenly hooked up with last night, never fear, baba will know

Before you start dating someone you double check with your baba to make sure you're not related

You've seen the blank expression on an American's face after you've spent over an hour trying to explain what a zabava is

SOCIAL LIFE:

You wake up in your hotel room after a party weekend and find 10 people you don't know on the floor and another 10 you don't know in your bed

You have the urge to eat garlic sausage at 3 AM after a night of partying

You've ever crossed the us/can border and declared 10 cases of beer

By the age of 28 you need a liver transplant

Your camping list checklist consists of: tent, sleeping bag, OJ, vodka


DANCE:

You travel 8 hours for a malanka and don't remember much from the weekend

You walk into a zabava or malanka and can name at least 5-10 people you've hooked up with in the past

You spend $300 on a dress for a zabava or malanka and it ends up on the floor the next morning

You've spent an entire Saturday getting ready for a zabava or malanka

You've ever consumed a case of beer and went on the dance floor and spun around at 100 mph without intention of vomiting

You've ever worn or own a pair of red boots

Your knees are shot by the age of 25 due to folk dancing

You've spent 4 hours doing your hair/makeup/costume for a 5 minute dance

Your local folk dance instructor is referred to as a god


SCHOOL LIFE:

On the first day of English class your teacher pauses before trying to pronounce your name and you immediately say, "That's me!"

You start fights with the following:
"My Babtsya's pyrohy are better than your Babtsya'a!"

"My dance ensemble is better than yours!"

"You call that a cross stitch?!"

"So...you are from Russia, right?!"


FOOD:

You can incorporate fried onions into every meal

You can't imagine life without sour cream

You claim "Samohonka-its not just for breakfast anymore"

"Chut'-chut'" and "Na smak" are acceptable standards of measurement

You scoff at an American mere 5 course Christmas dinner