07 december 1999
12:43am
realization of the insane

sometimes i really don't understand myself. like right now, for instance, i could be sleeping. or at least getting ready to go to sleep. i have no more obligations for the night- i got everything done that i wanted to get done. and i really should sleep, since i didn't go to bed until 4am last night, and plus i have to get up extra-early tomorrow to go to the photo1 critique at 8:30am. but for some reason i just can't make myself go to bed early these days, no matter how much i know i should. this reminds me of first semester freshman year, when i was so afraid of missing something, so afraid that something really important or cool or fun was going to happen if i went to sleep before everyone else. and consequently, my regular bed time was around 3am or so. and then second semester, i made the resolution that i would be in bed by 1am every night. which i was so good about sticking to, but it was hard sometimes, since my friends were so used to me being up so late, that they'd just come into my room after i'd already gone to bed, and would wake me up. ah well. i don't understand quite as much if i think i'm missing something now, because it's not like all of my friends live in one dorm these days. though i do have more friends in my dorm this year than i've had since freshman year. but i just don't think that's it. i don't know what it is. it's hard to analyze myself.

but have you ever really tried to do a self-analysis? i've been much more introspective this semester than before, and sometimes i come to the conclusion that i'm complete crazy. 100% fucking insane. these are the times when i realize that i can't apply any logic to why i do some of the things i do. when i realize that i'm so wrapped up in really innane things, things that, while benign in general, aren't good for me. as i stated to someone the other day, i'm fully aware of my psychological issues. so doesn't that make me not crazy? the fact that i'm aware that i am crazy? sigh. my brain hurts.

on another note, when the hell did it get to be december? where, exactly, has the semester gone? december stresses me out, due to lots of things being due and finals. and major anxiety about the fact that i'm coming upon my last semester here at swarthmore, and i have not a clue as to what i will do with myself come 29 may 2000. but i really don't want to talk about that right now.

okay, i think maybe now i can go to bed.

1:00am