09 may 1999
11:12pm
swarthmore vs. my life

so, here it is, 11:12pm on a sunday night, and here i am, beginning the ramblings of an online journal. it's in the midst of finals, maybe not the best time to be starting something like this out. i mean, i have a normal (i.e., paper book) journal that i try to write in as often as i remember to, and during finals week that journal gets filled with tales of woe and stress and lonliness. nothing like a good finals week to really get me in a good mood. but my thoughts tonight haven't really been on finals (although they most definitely should have been... calculus final on tuesday). i'm thinking about leaving here, and going home, and how all of that feels to me. i think this was sparked by the conversation i had with my mother tonight. while i'll be the first to admit that i get absolutely exhausted with swarthmore, i never bother to realize that it's the best i have right now. being here, with friends, with people i relate to and can talk to and understand. i just don't think there's much of that left for me in lafayette. there are small pockets- like going down to the outdoor school (june 1-4, i can't wait!), or spending time with marilyn and matt. but marilyn isn't coming home, and i haven't talked to matt in ages. it's these kinds of realizations that make it hard to leave here for the summer. or maybe not hard to leave here, but hard to leave the people here.

unfortunately, finals week really displaces all the energy i should be having for my friends during our last week here for the semester, and, instead, puts it all on tests and papers and presentations that are going to mean nothing to me a few years down the line. and this isn't just a phenomenon that happens to me- finals week consumes all of us. rather unhealthy, if you ask me. and damn lonely.

11:27pm