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This Little Piggy There are 5 little piggies. The 1st piggy walks into a bar and asks for 1 glass of water. When he is finished, he asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender says, "To your left and down the hall." The second piggy comes in and asks for 2 glasses of water. When he finishes them, he asks the bartender where the bathroom is. He directs him to his left and down the hall. The third piggy comes in and asks for 3 glasses of water, and the bathroom too. The fourth piggy comes in and asks for 4 glasses of water, and the bathroom. The 5th piggy comes in and drinks 5 glasses of water, but doesn't ask for the bathroom. The bartender was confused, and asks him, "I don't understand - the 1st pig asked for 1 glass of water and had to go to the bathroom, and you asked for 5 glasses, but don't need to go to the bathroom, how's come?" The fifth piggy replied by saying, "Don't you know the story? I go 'wee- wee-wee' all the way home!"
•Van Gogh Family Tree After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: His obnoxious brother.........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt .........................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes................................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia...................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white......Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois................... Chica Gogh
His magician uncle............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.....Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .........Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle .......................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst....................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin......................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking.........Wayto Gogh
The little nephew.............................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco......................Ahgo Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie B. Gogh
•20 years, 2 wishes Two men were sentenced for 20 years to be confined in single rooms with only one wish in each 10 years. The first man asked for as many books as he can put in his room, so he can read these books in the next 10 years alone. The second one was a smoker as a habit. He asked for enough cigarettes for the next 10 years. After giving the men their books and cigarettes, the guardians closed and locked the doors. 10 years later it was the time to ask the prisoners for their second wish for last 10 years. The first man asked for books again and a pair of reading glasses. Then, they opened the door of the second prisoner and found him with all the cigarettes...he was insane. They asked him for his second wish for the following 10 years. "A Lighter!!! ...A Lighter!!! ....A Lighter!!!", with a screaming voice.
•WHY WE'RE SO TIRED For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this e-mail!
•Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
There is a monastery in Greece perched high on a cliff, several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery is to be suspended in a basket which is pulled to the top by several monks who pull and tug with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket is terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered serenely: "Whenever it breaks."
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says: What's the problem officer?
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Dammit woman, shut your freakin' mouth!"
Officer: Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Actual Business Signs ===================== On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push." On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission" On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you." At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?" In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here." On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin." At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!" On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.) On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up." Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop." In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want." On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."