October 27, 2002: Things you would never
know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – today's headlines:
TERRIFYING
NEW ICE AGE BEGINS
IN 2004
[courtesy the Sun]
TWO-HEADED
GERMAN POLITICIAN
DEBATES
HIMSELF ON IRAQ INVASION
One head agrees
with Bush,
the other with Hussein!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
and, this week's special, headline plus article excerpts:
Tastes
like chicken
Jean Curtis walked into
the living room and
caught
Ian, her macho mate of six months,
wearing her clothes
and cheating on her – with
a frozen chicken!
"It's all right," Ian argued. "We can still eat it."
Jean filed for divorce.
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Harper's Weekly
BONUS:
"Scientists discovered the cause of teen angst."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers
interested
in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Jean and Ian Cur-
tis, Max and Niklas Kerkner (the two-headed German politician),
and John Lee Malvo.
October 20, 2002: Things you would never
know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – today's headlines:
Saddam strikes first!
IRAQI SUB PROWLS
LAKE MICHIGAN
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
edwinkagin@fuse.net wrote Sun 13 Oct 2002 @09:11:03:
Re this week's headline "THE EARTH REALLY IS FLAT!":
Hell, everybody knows that! I was expecting some real news
out of this service.
BONUS: Harper's
Weekly on line reported, "President George
W. Bush claimed in a speech that Saddam Hussein
could attack America 'on any given day'; he accused
Hussein of . . . stockpiling weapons of mass destruc-
tion,
and using such weapons on his own people. . . .
New
documents were declassified concerning tests of
biological
and chemical warfare agents that were con-
ducted by the
United States government on its own
soldiers in Alaska,
Maryland, Hawaii, Canada, and
Britain during the Cold
War. Among the substances
used on American soldiers
were sarin and VX."
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October 13, 2002: Things you would never
know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – today's headlines (ENVIRONMENTAL IS-
SUE – all headlines this week courtesy Weekly World News):
THE
EARTH REALLY IS FLAT!
LOUD MUSIC DESTROYING OZONE
LAYER!
'Turn down the volume before it's too late,' say experts
5
EASY WAYS TO HELP STOP GLOBAL WARMING:
1. Use headphones
2. Roll up car windows
3. NO OUTDOOR CONCERTS!
4. Soundproof your home
5. TURN DOWN THE VOLUME!
SMOKING
IS HEALTHIER! THAN
LYING
AROUND THE HOUSE EATING JUNK FOOD
NASA FAKED APOLLO MOON LANDINGS!
Blockbuster book
blows lid off another Nixon cover-up
'Gay Away!'
NEW
SPRAY WARDS OFF GAYS -- LIKE BUGS!
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
NBUTLER@mn.rr.com wrote Sun 6 Oct 2002 @06:19:00 CDT:
This morning's tabloid predictions were particularly
hilarious(:-)
FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 6 Oct 2002 @9:33:29 PDT:
I'd really like to know what the drug is that inspires
the
writers to come up with these fanciful ideas.
Sounds
like a lot of fun!
Lance Farrell wrote Sat 12 Oct 2002 @11:52:48 CDT:
Hey, Natty, the tabloid headlines are quite
interesting,
amazing that you can commit them all to memory while
you are on the line at the grocery store. Tell
me you
are
not actually buying those things?
EDITOR'S NOTE: Actually, we do usually buy at least
one
tabloid a
week,
and jot down on it (therby committing
ourselves to
the purchase) headlines from the other pa-
pers we
think
worth forwarding. We think it's
well
worth
the price;
it is obviously worth it to you, dear
readers;
and
if we are ever questioned about dissemi-
nation in violation
of copyright law, we can rejoin,
"But,
dear sirs,
we buy your papers, and our 'fair use'
quota-
tion in
e-mail to others is but free advertisement
for you."
BONUS: Harper's
Weekly on line reports: "A four-year-old
boy in
Austria called the police to
complain about his grandmother's
cooking."
[This issue dedicated to Steve Yates: Steve, we just noticed
that you were
not on the mailing list! Let us know at once if
you want back issues!]
October 6, 2002: Things you would
never know if you did
not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – today's headlines:
IT'S ALIVE!
3000-YEAR-OLD MUMMY
PREGNANT
Janitor
admits: 'I'm the father'
[courtesy Weekly World News]
and, this week's special, page 1 predictions from the Sun:
CONDOLEEZZA
RICE: First black female
U.S. President
JAMES
GANDOLFINI: Mob wants him as Godfather
MONICA
LEWINSKY: In Republican White
House scandal
OPRAH
WINFREY: New career as country
songbird
and page 1 prophecies:
BILLY
GRAHAM: 'End Times will last 7
years'
STE. BERNADETTE: 'I will return to battle
Satan'
and selected predictions and prophecies inside, from list of 100:
TIGER
WOODS: Wins tennis grand
slam
POPE JOHN PAUL II: Revealed to be author
of sex novels
STEPHEN KING: Admits he is illiterate
(hired teens wrote books)
CARDINAL LAW: Appoints self Pope of
marrying priest sect
JENNIFER LOPEZ: Has sex-change surgery,
weds JULIA ROBERTS
CELINE DION: Quits show biz for professional
poker career
DEAN MARTIN album cover spotted in Mars probe
photo
WAYLON JENNINGS: Ghost demands recognition
at Grammies
TED TURNER: Buys Montana and gains admission
to UN
GEORGE WASHINGTON DNA reveals father was black
slave
JOHN MADDEN: Runs onto Monday night
football field
in underwear proclaiming faith in God
DICK CHENEY: Has heart transplant and
joins JIMMY
CARTER building houses for homeless
SADDAM HUSSEIN: Had '70's affair with
American actress;
their son is member of Congress
Video found showing Hussein with Osama in
bizarre sex acts
Bigfoots civilization with written language
found in Australia
Australian jumper with kangaroo genes banned
from Olympics
Nation's water supply polluted with truth
serum
Genetically engineered mutant soy beans end
world hunger
Fast food chain closed for selling human burgers
Earthquake forces Hollywood to Texas; cowboy
movies reborn
Yale-educated chimp elected mayor of Midwestern
city
Florida returns to paper ballots and X's
NASA: Admits 1969 moon landing staged
on movie set
[courtesy the Sun]
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers
interested
in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Sainte Bernadette,
Waylon Jennings, Dean Martin, George Washington, and Edwin
(Buzz) Aldrin.
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane
crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work,
either.
We
have a special filter to detect that.)