Tabloid Headlines

April 27, 2003: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:

PREDICTIONS & PROPHECIES -

Tommy Franks: Next President of U.S.
Michael Jackson: Dangles another baby - and drops it!
Martin Sheen: Becomes Iraqi citizen
Osama bin Laden: Hiding in Algeria
Saddam Hussein: Shot to death by woman
J-Lo: Marries Dr. Phil
Howard Stern: Kidnapped by right-wing commandoes
Tony Blair: Becomes Christian missionary in Mideast
Ringo Starr: Ghost-wrote Lennon/McCartney hits
General Custer: Survived Little Big Horn
Tampa Bay Bucs: Win 6th straight Super Bowl
President Bush: Gives the poor a 6-pack a week
Condoleezza Rice: Groped by Pentagon officer at press conference
Penguin found speaking Aramaic in Antarctica
'Unsinkable' New Titanic meets fate of namesake
Terrorists bring down Eiffel Tower
'Walk-in' TV introduced
Newborn baby girl speaks lines from John Wayne's last movie, The Shootist, in shocking new proof of reincarnation

                                                                                                                       [courtesy the Sun]

MONSTER BLACK HOLE
    EATING UNIVERSE

                  [courtesy the Sun]

BILL CLINTON GOING DEAF

                         [courtesy National Examiner]

LETTERS to the EDITOR!

FGDean@aol.com wrote Tue 22 Apr 2003 @9:31:17 PDT,
regarding last week's tabloid "RODNEY KING CRASHES
CAR AT 100 MPH, BREAKS PELVIS" from the Louisville
Courier-Journal:
The Courier-Journal must have been having a slow news
day.

Denisenoe@aol.com wrote Mon 21 Apr 2003 @16:14:55 EDT:
A friend of mine is mentioned on p. 44 of last week's Star
because she successfully completed a crossword puzzle. . . .
Editor's reply:
Ha! Ha! We are enormously ashamed to admit that we
bought that issue of the Star! But there she is! Please
give her our congratulations. . . .

Harper's Weekly BONUS:

Pictures of President Bush's twin daughters were found in a
palace belonging to Uday Hussein. . . . An ancient village was
discovered underneath Illinois. . . . A wild boar charged into an
elderly German couple's house and leapt into bed with them, wa-
king them from their afternoon nap. . . . Police in Berlin confisca-
ted an air-raid siren from a 73-year-old man who had been using
it to stun his talkative wife into submission.

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Borf Books        borf@borfents.com    Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210    War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

(270) 597-2187       Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor

April 20, 2003: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:

NEXT 9/11 IS NEAR!

                             [courtesy the Sun]

Judge clears JONBENET Mom & Dad

                                                                    [courtesy the Globe]

David Letterman becomes UN Ambassador

                                                   [courtesy Weekly World News]

TONY BLAIR & PRESIDENT BUSH ORDER
MUTANT TO 'FIND SADDAM HUSSEIN!'

                                                  [courtesy Weekly World News]

and, from the "THIS IS NEWS?" department:

ELIZABETH SMART RAN AWAY!
           . . . she WASN'T KIDNAPPED

                             [courtesy National Enquirer]

OSCAR WINNER CAUGHT
IN HOTEL ROMP WITH GROUPIE

             [courtesy the Star – by the way, it was
                Adrien Brody, star of The Pianist]

RODNEY KING CRASHES CAR
AT 100 MPH, BREAKS PELVIS

              [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Harper's Weekly BONUS:

Mecca Cola was selling briskly in France.

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April 13, 2003: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headline:

OIL FOUND ON MOON
   Gasoline will fall to 10¢ a gallon as
   Arabian reserves become obsolete

                                                [courtesy Weekly World News]

LETTERS to the EDITOR!

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 06 Apr 2003 12:21:06 PDT:
Did you also invite [to the Weekly World News Round
Table] Sharon Fullilove's cousin, Penelope Analove?
Editor's reply:
Yes, in fact, we did! We know her as Penny Analove,
and we had always thought that "Penny" was short for
"Penetration."

Harper's Weekly BONUS:

Administration officials continued to characterize the war in I-
raq as a "demonstration conflict" aimed at communicating the
new reality of international politics [Editor's note: Are any
of our readers old enough to remember the Korean "po-
lice action"?] . . . . A 12-year-old boy in El Paso, Texas,
was suspended from school for sexual harassment after he
stuck out his tongue at a girl who refused to be his girl friend.

DISCUSSION GROUP:

Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Elizabeth Smart,
Sharon Fullilove, and Penny Analove.

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

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TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
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April 6, 2003:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:

CAMILLA DUMPS CHARLES
             As she dates TWO other men!

                                               [courtesy the Globe]

                                        Editor's note: We think this is a typo. From what
                                        we saw in last week's Tabloid Headlines, we think
                                        what they meant is, "As he dates two other men."

    Weekly World News uncovers
top secret North Korean plan to
INVADE AMERICA
Thousands already on West Coast
   posing as insurance salesmen!

                         [courtesy Weekly World News]

Elizabeth Smart secretly met
    'kidnapper' SIX TIMES!

                                              [courtesy the Globe]

BOSTON ARCHDIOCESE SUED
BY SAN BERNARDINO DIOCESE

                               [courtesy New York Times]

CALVIN KLEIN SEEKS SUBSTANCE ABUSE HELP

                                                                [courtesy New York Times]

LETTERS to the EDITOR!

     Allende! wrote Mon 31 Mar 2003 @16:54:50 CST, in re
     last week's item "UFO is Saddam's secret . . . ":

          The report is "technically" incorrect.   Saddam has the
          Ark of the Covenant, which some believe has an alien
          origin. . . .

Harper's Weekly BONUS:

An American soldier was unimpressed with the ruins of Ur,
the birthplace of Abraham: "I've been all the way through this
desert from Basra to here," he told a British reporter, "and I
ain't seen one shopping mall or fast food restaurant.      These
people got nothing.    Even in a little town like ours of 2,500
people you got a McDonald's at one end and a Hardee's at
the other." . . .   Workers at a Russian marriage agency said
interest in finding American bridegrooms was declining be-
cause American men are "boring cold Martians with dead
eyes." . . . German scientists reported that human sperm are
attracted to pleasant odors.

DISCUSSION GROUP:

Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Camilla Parker-
Bowles and Sharon Fullilove.

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)

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